My Heart is in Israel...And So Is My Child - Presented by Ohel

[Music] so much for joining today's webinar my heart is in Israel and so are my children thank you for joining from wherever you are joining from today's program is for parents of Gap here students for parents of single and marri married adults children and learn soldiers we are here to support you I am Dr khi namdar resilience programs coordinator at ohal K bound Family International Children's Services at ohal really at the moment there are really no words that that we have to encapsulate how we're feeling and managing day to day as this crisis unfolds in Israel ohel is here to support you and your families I want to thank the efforts of my colleagues Dr blumen fall CV Ryder the director of trollman children's services Cheryl chernowski Brar rap David Mandel and everyone here at ohal that makes our work so available to you all and so that we're able to provide whatever support and assistance that you need we are experiencing right now an Outreach of support I want to let you know about how you can reach us if there's anything that you need for community members you can reach us at traumacore leadership at ohal family.org and we've set up a helpline that you can contact us at in order to get support for yourselves your families or your loved ones you can reach us at 9420 ohal also has a dedicated helpline for teachers Educators youth support professionals at um 718- 686 3230 and we've exped expanded our helpline hours so that we're available around the clock to support you and your school communities um we're going to be hosting a number of webinars in the near future and we want to be able to get this information out to you as soon as possible we're also going to be launching support groups and we will be giving all this information over in our email Outreach to you you know when I was thinking about moderating this panel I was wondering how could I possibly how could I open tonight's presentation and and it led me back to when I was in seminary and the inata broke out and I remember the pandemonium and I remember the panic and I remember the tumult that ensued but we didn't have smartphones back then so it was a really really different experience and what I want to say here tonight is that every single person that has shown up to this webinar today tonight this evening this morning wherever you're signing in from around the world every single person's experience here is unique and we none of us here can pretend to have the answers for you and and to know exactly how to handle every single situation or every single circumstance that each of us are facing what we're hoping to achieve today through this webinar is to offer you support to offer you some guidance from someone that is on the front lines from Dr aiva Goldstein live in Israel and from E from Goldberg who is Al supporting so many families and individuals with one of his own children in Israel at the moment I'm going to introduce you right now to our esteemed panelists uh Rabbi E from Goldberg is the senior Rabbi of the boar ratan synagogue um a massive Congregation of over a thousand families in boar ratan Florida and Dr Aviva Goldstein is an educator lecturer and therapist based in Jerusalem she works with Children and adolescents including Gaper students and the people who raised them um as it says on her social media profile y here is my jam and I think that we're really honored to have aiva here with us tonight um you know they say a parent is only as happy as their unhappiest child and I know I've been speaking to a lot of parents um and I'm hearing from a lot of different people over the last few days about some of the things that are going through their minds some of the things that their children who were abroad of calling them about um and what I'm hearing is um some of the following concerns I'm hearing concerns about you know parents of Lone soldiers many whom cannot access their phones cannot contact their families and you know parents as parents one of the things that we feel is Our obligation to do is to keep our children safe and many children feel like you know we don't know how we can do that right now many parents feel that they don't know how they can achieve that right now and the lack of being able to contact their children is making that even more difficult um being so far away again not knowing you know appar we might watch what's going on on the news and on social media and unfortunately there's been a barrage of really horrible things that many people have been exposed to over the last few days and um just really wondering are our kids really really safe and even those with mental health issues they seem to be really EXA bated over the last few days so we talk about IMA we talk about having belief having faith we talk about resilience um and we think about our kids abroad and even the children here too and the communities here too so it would be really wonderful if you could shed some light for us on supporting ourselves and really being there for our children um the way that this is going to work is Dr Riva Goldstein is going to speak um about her her lived experience right now in Israel she is doing the work um she is a a therapist and herself an educator in a seminary in Israel um and can speak to us about what things have been like the last few days in her experience being on the ground um and offer us some insight um based on her experience on the ground and then we're going to Pivot to hear from Rabbi Goldberg what I would love for everyone in the audience to do is please drop your question in the Q&A box after both rebbi um rebbi Goldberg and Dr Goldstein have spoken then we're going to start Fielding um your questions to the panelists I'm G to open now Dr Goldstein please share with us your Insight thank you so much for having me tonight as I keep saying I wish it were for other reasons and under different circumstances um I'll open with with two caveat yet uh one is I apologize in advance if you know at the last minute I have to sort of disappear um from the screen God willing it will continue to be quiet here um and I also apologize for the dark circles under my eyes um I think it was saying that that that's just kind of making its space um around all of us today um I take my boundaries very seriously typically I really work very hard to have a separation between like the doctor Aviva professional um and the Aviva in rest of my life but one of the things that I've been starting to notice this week um is that I can't I'm a mom um and so I'm I'm wearing all of the hats at the same time I'm worrying about your children and I'm worrying about my children um and so I'm hoping that some of the things that we'll be able to to speak about tonight we'll we sort of incorporate both of those there's a concept that's somewhat prevalent in therapy these days um it comes mostly from DBT dialectical behavioral therapy the details don't matter but the concept is that we can replace but with and because when we have but in the middle of a sentence what we're saying is only one of these things can actually be true but what we know from lived experience um is that sometimes opposing truths can both exist at the same time and so I think we're in a moment of and um profound and um it's there is pain and hurt and fear and anger um and there's also hope and commitment and responsibility and faith and love and I mean like deep deep love um and and we're sitting in the an of both of those um I'll I'll share one little anecdote that might be able to um demonstrate what's going on you know the the Hebrew term for a funeral is well in America you say Laya and in Israel we say Lea Ora um but it means escorting that's really what it is and so that is taken very very little literally very often here in Israel um and so a few nights ago um the sort of the neighborhood watap had an announcement that there was a a boy a young man from the neighborhood that was killed um and they asked people to come with flags to the main intersection to line the streets and to sort of really L vot to escort the family on the way to the cemetery um and the oddest thing happened it wasn't odd that at the last minute hundreds of people lined up and I mean hundreds of people and it wasn't odd how many of them just had flags and it wasn't even odd that a week ago standing in an intersection in Israel with a flag either meant one thing or another and all of a sudden it means something completely different what was odd is that the the people driving through the intersection had what no way of knowing that we were there for a funeral procession they thought we were there so let odad to to sort of make um a moment of support a take a public stance on support and so the hundreds of us that were waiting in the intersection um were sort of weighed down and heavy and sad thinking about this family bringing their young child um to to his funeral and what ended up happening is all the cars were beeping and blasting music and Amai and shouting out the window and high-fiving at the red lights and it was it was the most bizarre combination because it was a moment of and it really really was it was both it was both heartbreaking and inspiring at the same time and I think we're seeing a lot of those kinds of moments and I'm assuming that your children being on the ground here are also seeing the and um there's the fear maybe even the terror when Sirens go off and do I know where to go and do I know how to follow protocol and do I have somebody with me and can I walk back back to my dorm by myself or do I need somebody to come with me am I safe in this neighborhood um and so many of the school schools are doing such incredible work with the students um one of the things that I think is important for us to to know about just in terms of our role as parents um is that we know that we tend to Faire better in the face of uncertainty or trauma when we go from passive to active when we go from passive which is why is this happening to me to active which is what is my role here and I I have witnessed unbelievable am of what is my role here um particularly with the yeshivas and seminaries um everything from what seems mundane like they can cookies for KY and making cards which really really really is not mundane to going as an entire Yeshiva to give blood um to breaking down suot in the local neighborhood because not to be like super gendered but you know the dads and the brothers have been called up so people my sua is still up and so there are yeshivas and seminaries that are going around taking some people suas for them um and and every opportunity we have to empower our children to ask what is my role and how can I play a part in this we are giving them the gift of saying I I own this um I'm a victim because we're all victims here but I refuse to remain a victim I'm going to take that empowerment and little by little by little build that muscle of resiliency that we talk about so often um and so you can you can feel really good about the vast majority of the schools that you're sending your kids to um because they're doing an incredible job not only of keeping them safe and teaching them what they need to teach them in terms of amone and safe rooms and all those things but a lot of them are also doing an incredible job in helping your your children your young adult children um build resilience um and that's that's something that I think we can all be very very proud of because I don't think it's a given um I also wanted to say that this is not normal and I don't use the word normal very often at all um but the circumstances that we're living through are not normal and because the circumstances are not normal I don't think it's helpful for us to have normal expectations and assumptions and I'll give you two silly examples but but I think they demonstrate something bigger um I live in Jerusalem I have access to all kinds of wonderful supermarkets the ones that import the American things and the ones that bring you know produce from the south in Israel um and I have certain expectations that when I go to the supermarket the things on my shopping list will be there and over the last few days I've been to several stores just trying to you know stock up on the things um that not everybody had and one store I went into had no milk none zero zero milk um and when I went to the next store all they had was um 3% and they had it in abundance but they only had one kind of milk and I come from a family where we have 97 different kinds of milk one is the lactose-free milk and one is the almond milk and one is the 1% and one is the 3% we have a lot of milk in the house um and and it was one of those moments where I was like wait what do you mean there's only 3% and then I had to say to of course this is not normal I can't have normal expectations because what we're going through is not normal um and just another silly example um even though somehow we are the startup nation and we're probably going to cure cancer we're going to put people in space and God knows what else as a as a nation we're going to be able to um accomplish here we have an inexplicably a terrible Postal System I don't really know why um and so on a good day our mail delivery system is not great um but the other day somebody posted like a really angry message on Facebook you know I I tracked my package and I saw that it arrived at Ben guran airport you know three days before suus why hasn't it arrived yet and obviously you know everybody on Facebook kind of attacks this porel um but on a good day our postal service is not great how much more so when everybody running the postal system has been called up um and so you can't expect that you're going to get your package when you thought you would get it so these are two very sort of superficial and silly um examples but I think if we take that and apply that to where we're at emotionally we might be able to connect some dots um what we're going through is not normal so therefore what we're feeling is not going to feel normal um we don't typically walk through the world with a sense of fear and instability and vulnerability and exposure those are really uncomfortable feelings for most of us um and so one of the opportunities I guess you can call it that we have here um is to be able to sort of do like a systems check um and to check in with ourselves and say are are the emotions that I'm feeling a match or a mismatch to the situation because I'm not going to ask is is what I'm feeling normal because this is not normal but if I'm going through something very scary and I'm feeling scared it may be uncomfortable but it's a match and the good news is that my system is working if I'm feeling scared um and the same thing with I'll call it angst because I don't want to get into anxiety um or frustration or anger or or whatever the emotion might be and so when we think about what role you might play with your children whether they're you know barely legal um or if they have children of their own is enabling them to do that systems check with themselves obviously to validate when they share their feelings with you and to share their you know experiences with you but in some way it can be a source of comfort in a weird way um to know that like no it makes sense that I'm feeling uncomfortable it makes sense that I can't stop crying it makes sense that I'm not sleeping it makes sense that all I want to do is sleep um because the the question is is it is it a match or a mismatch um and given the circumstances that we're in I'm assuming most of our emotions are a match even if they are um deeply uncomfortable um I also wanted to just share and then I'm happy to pass it over TR Goldberg and then I think we can do more of a conversation um that a lot of a lot of what we need in order to get through this um unfortunately we learned ory learns during coid um how uncomfortable we are with unpredictability when we are not really sure who we can trust um when we have a sense of a loss of control what do we do when we don't have routine what do we do when we can't stick to the the the regular things that we do on a daily basis and for better for worse most of us adjusted to very uncomfortable not normal normal um and in some ways if we can sort of dig back to the parts of Corona I don't want to say that we're positive because it wasn't positive you know it wasn't net positive but there were so many lessons that we were able to learn about the value of community and the value of knowing what's good for me and the value of um you know touch touching base with each other um to know oh it turns out I am a person of routine good I know that about myself and so that means in order for me to endure the next unpredictable period of time I'm going to need to establish routine for myself or the opposite turns out I love spontaneity I didn't know that about myself and the routine of every day was you know exhausting for me and now in coid where I don't have the routine you know I actually really appreciate the sponton ating and the same thing here um most of these things are not right or wrong yes or no black or white um I really really really don't think that we're copy paste I don't believe we fit into a box um I don't think we're one siiz fits all and so what might work for your friend's kid in Israel is not necessarily going to work for your kid in Israel and what works for you is not necessarily what's going to work for your aunt um but I think we can take opportunities to sort of tune into the moment and say what is okay here I can make a long list of the things that are not okay but what is okay and how can I maximize that because I'll I'll just go back to the beginning of how I started um it it really is an end um there is Devastation and horror and and Trauma that I'm not even sure how we're going to get through to the other side and um there's tremendous hope and love and commitment and Faith um and so I I'm choosing at least both as a mom and a Dr Via to to try to put my energy there and to empower other people to put their energy there to go from that passive why is it happening to me to the active what is my role here and please God we will get through this quick um and the next time I see you it will be for very very different reasons thank you so much Aviva for for sharing your experience I think your lived experience being on the ground is just so you know enlightening for all of us you know what when you're talking about when you spoke about um the both end and the pivot that so many of us had to experience during Co you know you remind me of the there's this idea um there's a book called the end of trauma by George banano that talks about this idea of resilience and Trauma like a moving Target right it's just we there's no five or seven predictive factors that will tell us who will be resilient who will manage you know how will we get through this trauma it's really as you're living through it continually pivoting continually being flexible and just focusing on the Here and Now now moment to moment um because things seem to just constantly be changing and just getting through things you know one at a time right now um I'm gonna ask rebbi Goldberg to please share with us um some advice some of his experience being on the ground supporting so many community members as well as having a child in Israel on the ground at the moment thank you re goldber thank you so much thank you to ohal for convening this discussion which clearly is resonating and many people feel connected to and need and Dr Goldstein aiva thank you for your always uh insightful wisdom and and and guidance so I'm not an authority unlike Dr Goldstein I don't have a degree in particularly in dealing with with these issues or or the psychology of it I'm speaking to you as somebody who's been trying to guide others and be a support system for others and someone who himself uh together with my wife uh had to figure out our daughter who's in in her Gap year in Israel who's in M um and I have married children who actually are back they came back for sukus and for a friend Sim but are trying to get back to Israel as well and and navigating that it's one thing if you're there do you leave it's another if you are for whatever reason weren't there do you go back and I think one of the most Inc critical things to think about in this whole conversation is that it's not one- siiz fits all as Dr Goldy spoke about you've got you've got married children who are there and we've got single children who are there we have Yeshiva and Seminary gaps students for the year we have those who are in University and studying we have those who are lone soldiers we have those who are who are uh not young but maybe single or married there's all kinds of different demographics that might be your children whom you're worried about and you're offering guidance to and you're being supportive of and there's not one size fits all there are those who are there and do they leave there are those who for whatever reason are not there do they go back and each one is filled with different variables and different questions uh that come to it and it's critically important to stay really thoughtful really mind really present in each of these conversations and really focused not on competing and comparing to what other people are doing and not on feeling the peer pressure of what other people are doing but what's right for that particular child of yours we're speaking to a group of parents whose children are in Israel what's right for those children whom we love one of the challenges that I've seen and I've spoken also to a lot of of dear friends and colleagues who are leading the seminaries and yeshivas and playing different roles over there is how quickly people left and it's not that they left necessarily because they thoughtfully made the right decision it's that once a couple were leaving then all of a sudden it spiraled and it tumbled and it became the in thing to do and even if it wasn't the right thing for that particular child who may come to regret leaving or may come to regret staying in other cases it shouldn't be a result of peer pressure what everyone's doing everyone's doing now what the cool kids are doing everybody different age different stage different place needs to do what's right for them what's right for them the main point that I want to communicate as as a parent who who has a child there is that it's not necessarily for us either we're we're worried we're watching we're entirely tied to the news um I like you have struggled to focus to feel like I'm getting anything done to concentrate for periods of time to tear myself away to do things I I gave a Shear the other day I gave a paral Shear every week for an hour and it was torturous um I hope the parer wasn't torturous but for an hour of giving the pares where I couldn't check the news and I wasn't tied into what might be happening and I couldn't pour myself into a peric of tum was really hard that's my job giving a parasher whatever your job may be formally in a career or profession informally at home taking care of the rest of your children self-care of yourself going to Sho and not looking at your phone throughout the doing but the the experience of trying to disconnect to be connected to what we're doing is really really hard we're we're tied to the news and and we're worried we're worried if if you're not worried you should wonder whether you love your child because we're worried it's a world that's changing rapidly and even if you thought y was safe there was a terror attack in Yim today and even if you thought this place was safe or the sirens couldn't reach there or the missiles couldn't reach there it's so unpredictable it's so uncertain when all of us as the gates were closing of the of this yum Kipper and the rabbi wherever udav said trying to inspire everyone in the those final moments to dig deep when they were tired and thirsty and hungry and said we don't even know what we're ding for everyone ding hard because we can't even imagine what could be this year none of us none of us imagined what is what has been these last five days six days the images that we're seeing the news that we're getting the numbers that are climbing and it's not over it's not over please God it's over the tragic loss of life but it's not over the fear the worry as this as this episode as this war might escalate and go into its next stages so why is it worth it the worry if you have the means and the resources why not just make the phone call pull the trigger our governor whom I love and I'm grateful for his support of Israel just an hour ago a couple hours ago actually uh is sending planes and the state department has approved to bring any Floridians who want to come home get them out of Israel I don't love the Optics of that as if Israel is a place that America needs to rescue people from um but but why not why not take advantage why not say oh that option's there so for some people that's the right decision and there should be zero judgment as I started with everyone needs to figure out and decide what's right for them it is so important for us to not judge one another you stayed I can't believe you would leave your children In Harm's Way your child left I can't believe you abandon Israel in her time of need we cannot sit in Judgment of one another that's true by the way for all of us as we're going through this what's working for us to be able to process and find the resilience for these unprecedented access to images in real time to news and data to people that we know don't judge how others are finding their strength to get through it how much tum you said versus how much tum they said how many rallies you went to how many rallies they went to just do what you need to do and live your life and lean into what will help you get through it and find meaning and purpose and be of service and find your your answer of what you need to do now don't judge others and that's true for our children don't look at the decisions others have made and sit in judgment each family each child with their parents and whatever guidance they have children with whatever they were doing need to decide for themselves Do not sit in judgment absolutely do not sit in judgment and don't be resentful don't be resentful and it's important for us to inspire our children too not to be resentful of those who've left not to be resentful of those whove stayed who maybe make others feel guilty or question their decision don't judge others don't compete or compare with others don't be resentful of others each person is a world unto themselves as begins what is our duty and responsibility in our world doesn't say we don't all live or have the same world we all live in our own world each person has to make that decision but if your children are still in Israel if you have a child or children in Israel and you wonder why why did you leave them there I want to tell you why because it makes an enormous difference it is an incredible statement it's a statement to Kamas who you'll say have a lot distracting them now they're not paying attention to who stayed and who left but it's a statement if not physically metaphysically the energy Terror seeks to terrorize and terrorizing means that people live in fear and they run it broke my heart like it did yours yesterday the false alarms in the north that left millions of people running to running into their shelter fearing the worst of an infiltration from the north and oh should we be relieved it turns out it was only a a false alarm computer or manually driven whatever the case may be the answer is no that that Terror of running to those places it terrorizes it terrorizes and for each person who it was right for them to stay is making a statement to our enemies you will not drive us out we will not go anywhere we will not be terrorized to abandon our homeland our brothers and sisters and our family it's a contribution it is a contribution I see this war and what's going on as a series of concentric circles of how we're all experiencing it and how we're all called up as reservist to contribute to it and at the center of the circle are our soldiers our heroic heroic Brave IDF soldiers Hashem should protect them and watch over them they should all come home safely and securely and they should be successful in their mission they are the center of the circle the center of our attention and the center of ouros in the center of our support they are that Center Circle and outside of that Circle are their spouses in some case that they've left to raise their children their parents who are worried about them being on the front lines that next Circle are their family members and the circle outside that are the people who live in Israel who are getting those sirens and running to those shelters and who are living with empty shelves in the supermarket or businesses that are shut down and the uncertainty of the economy and its impact and what will be is that next Circle but there are concentric circles and we may be 10 or 20 or 30 circles out but they continue to expand and if you have a child who stayed in Israel they're in one of that inner circles they're part of this story and Narrative of the Jewish people they're also going into subject to potentially sirens and shelters and uncertainty and that's part of the Jewish people's story that's our destiny that's a level and a layer of a heroism for which they should be acknowledged and admired and rewarded and we too if you have a child in Israel are also another layer of a circle further out and we should never ever mistakenly know which Circle we're in should never confuse where we are but if we have to live with the concern the decision- making do I bring a child home the concern about that child is there that's another concentric Circle that we're in there's a psychologist who I admire her work she wrote Susan Silka clinical psychologist she wrote an oped once years ago and I adapted it in an article that I wrote called The Ring Theory and in her ring Theory she talks about she talks about comfort in and dump out you have to know the concentric Circle she's talking about General loss or crisis and you have to know where you are which Circle you're in and anyone who's further in you comfort and if you feel need to dump out if you feel a need to unburden your nervousness your anxiousness your concern your woe is me you're in need for support that you do further out you comfort in and you dump out and that's true for people you know who are going through illness you don't tell the spouse of someone you know who's got a terminal illness I just can't bear to watch I just can't bear to see I'm in such pain by what's happening with your husband you comfort in if it's hard for you as somebody a friend an acquaintance or a further family member then you you you dump out and you comfort in and I think that's true here for us as well knowing which Circle we're in and knowing that our children the attitude we we focus in versus what we bring out I think we have to balance our worrying and our wanting to protect but also not wanting to exacerbate or compound or make our children more nervous to a certain degree we could be more nervous here than we are there I'll tell you without their permission that my parents are also in Israel my in-laws are in Israel my siblings are all in Israel my wife's siblings in Israel we all have a lot of family members in Israel so I I commented to my sister how surprisingly calm my mother seems to be every time I check in on her and and my parents who had a schedule to have a ticket back next week are staying by the way it's not just parents worrying about children there are children who are worrying about parents and grandparents in Israel as well maybe that's another webinar or it's part of this one as well and and my sister said you know she's she's my parents are staying and my sister said she's much more calm they're much more calm here than they would be if they went back to America because when you're in Israel and you're living that experience in living it with everyone else certainly you're following the news non-stop but you're also needing to whatever degree you can go on with life you have to CU you're living it and when you're not there and you're not on the ground and you're not part of Ground Zero you're more tight in you're more connected you're more obsessive over the news you're more perseverating maybe even more anxious and we need to know that we need to be careful how we're processing that for ourselves but we're not making our children more anxious making them more worried making them feel more insecure that we're not projecting onto them our experience let them have their experience as they're going through it their it is their experience they're in a more Inner Circle than we are don't project your experience how much do we in our conversation with our children trust trust their judgment and how much should we try to impose our will on whether they should come home again it's complicated we're talking about are you talking about 17 year olds are you talking about Gap year students are you talking about those in University are you talking about those who are married are you talking about it's complicated Lon soldiers obviously a different category all together we should trust our children need to learn how to make decisions for themselves they need to learn to trust their Instinct and intuition we should teach and instill that sense of responsibility on the other hand they're not necessarily sophisticated mature and don't have the life experience to trust maybe their roommates leaving and their immediate impulse was to call home and say my rat's left book me a ticket instead of slowing them down I I know one person whose child was eager to leave everyone around them was leaving and their parent walked them through it and the child concluded that the right place for them was to stay and when the child wrote a beautiful note a couple days later to the parent they said thank you for helping me press pause thank you for helping me press pause sometimes the momentum is moving so fast the things around us are changing we just impulsively want to pull the trigger that's a poor term impulsively want to make a decision and a move press pause press pause press pause and have the space to reflect and think and decide what's right and that could change this is changing every hour every day how we're experiencing our feelings our children's feelings can change and validate that to our children you don't have to decide forever you don't have to decide for next week or even tomorrow for today you want to stay so today you're staying maybe tomorrow maybe next week maybe in a month you want to come home all you need to decide is is for today I'll tell you that it means something it matters it's making a difference I uh have a podcast and interview Two Soldiers happened to be my nephews last night and their wives who stayed and their parents my sister and and brother-in-law and each one of of them said that everyone who stayed what a boost it is to the morale it is a contribution to this war effort it makes a difference Yesa Seminary students in particular but everyone else because I know they're spending their time now writing notes and delivering food and sending packages it boosts the morale It's Not Invisible or inconsequential it matters it makes a difference and the and the daving and the the merits that you earn there you can't compare the merits you earn Ines and in eres in then you're in the place where Mitzvah matter and count as opposed to where we're just practicing for when we will be there so know that know that and if you're the parents of someone who is not on the front line and not even on a the next line or the next line but is on a line of of contributing simply with the presence of saying we won't be defeated or def deflect we're not running away and our doing and our mitzvos matter and we're staying and boosting morale parents need to know your willingness to absorb that tolerate that and live with that you're also making a contribution it's not just the soldiers of course they are the the center piece and the focal point of all of our love and attention and support and deserve it but we're all called upon we're all reservists we're all getting that call and each of us in our own way and parents of children in Israel are being called in our way we need to Pace ourselves we need to not project we need to know the Situation's going to change we need to not judge others compete or compare but let our children in a mature and a sophisticated way be present after pressing pause to decide what's right for them knowing it's not in indefinite it can change at a moment decide what's right for them right now have our full support comfort in dump out and please God we'll all get through this thank you so much Rabbi Goldberg um thank you to everybody who's putting your questions in the Q&A I see we have a number of questions here I'm going to pose this question to Dr Goldstein um a parent wrote In that some adolescents aren't always so great about sharing how they're feeling um and again some parents themselves might be having their own Panic their own you know their own angst as you called it um what would you recommend for parents who genuinely want to check in on how their kids are doing you know how Are there specific questions are there suggestions that you could offer for how parents from afar could really check in on their kids again we also have this idea that you know children may not want to worry their parents so how do we really get a sense of how our children are doing without imposing what we we might be feeling on them and really giving them the space to tell us what's really going on for them it's a great question and if we had 100% certainty then we should win the Nobel Prize for just solving Parenthood um so so there are a lot of proposals um one is just to check in that your child is speaking to someone and it might bruise our ego a little bit if that someone is not us but if they have someone that they can speak to a teacher a RV their aunt who's in Israel whoever it might be ideally not their friend um because then you end up with a whole bunch of people in a similar boat that they can validate each other but they may not necessarily be able to guide each other but number one I would check that they have someone that they can speak to to number two is um I think we need to recognize that there are steps there's a process there are phases to things like this and we're not we're not done yet and so it's a little bit too early to be processing that doesn't mean we can't speak about what we're feeling presently but it's going to take us some time and some space to be able to really process and understand and digest what it is that we have experienced experienced and are experiencing right now your kids may not be ready to talk yet and that's okay um I'm in a group with some other um some colleagues of mine um and someone was saying mamash today that they know about themselves even as a professional that they are relating to this um professionally and they are relating to this intellectually that they have not yet gone into relating to this emotionally and they know that about themselves and at some point they will and they will shatter and they will break down um but they know that they're just not there yet and and that's okay because really this is all still very new um so th those are just two things I mean I could say a lot on the topic but I don't want to take up so much so much oxygen um one last thing I will say because this came up in a similar conversation I was having last night with parents from a specific school um somebody was saying what am I supposed to do with my kid we have a ticket we book the ticket for two weeks from now and every day I check in and he she um is not saying if they're ready to go and like why why can't like every day we're having this conversation what am I supposed to do they haven't made up their mind yet and humbly because I don't know the answer but humbly I suggested maybe stop asking right meaning the ticket has already been purchased the child knows what day the ticket has been purchased for and so they know that's the deadline to make the decision now by the way if they make the decision that they don't want to go and then three weeks later they decide you know what I regret it I do want to go so you'll get another ticket somebody will help you get another ticket but maybe we can stop checking in with them so much and just saying tell me about your day I love you so much do you want to hear about what's going on here um it it's almost counterintuitive because we so want our kids to open and talk um but maybe maybe they don't have to or certainly not yet and and maybe not to us I hope that's like not too harsh of an answer thank you thank you another question that just came in is um many parents are dealing with this roller coaster of emotions first of all their own roller coaster of emotions um with their children being over there um but you know they'll get a call from from one of their kids in the morning everything's great you know I'm doing okay and then half an hour later they're an absolute mess um and then just you know the parents needing to be available all the time to be able to just field whatever is coming their way from their children Rabbi Goldberg if you could offer us some insight for parents on how to help navigate this just pingpong back and forth of helping kids support you know whether they're whatever they're doing in Israel University students whatever position they're in obviously with loone soldiers it's a different situation but if you could give some guidance as to supporting children in this roll of coaster that they might be going through it's a great question I I think again it's it's critically important that we're not projecting on to them how we think we would feel how we would be experiencing it what we would want to share um even even to tell children which I I I've made this mistake of saying you need to know that you're going to for the rest of your life remember this it's going to transform you you'll be there with the Jewish people and there's a piece of me that very much believes this but you can't promise to your child how they'll experience it for the future you can't tell them how it'll affect you what you can tell them is that they are impacting and affecting the Jewish people in Israel by being there right so there there are certain objective truths that I think you can share to reinforce to bolster to support but to tell them or promise them what it will mean for them in the future it would be an irresponsible thing for for us to do so I think we should be available and accessible I think we need to validate um I know one of the people asked you know if a child says I'm not particularly scared so if they're recklessly not scared if they say I'm going out as if nothing's going on and they're acting recklessly because they're not scared then that's something that should be that should be followed up on but if there just says you know I have trust in hm and the people around me in the security forces in following the rules and there's nothing more I can do so I'm choosing to not live with a state of panic and I'm good then also let them experiencing it in that way you don't have to say what are you crazy you're not afraid and you don't hear the siren you don't think about what could be and you don't picture and so I think um in both directions we shouldn't project we should validate we should make space for them to experience it the way they're experiencing it we should be available and accessible but also not in a way which is allowing drama drama sounds like a harsh word too um but sometimes particularly young per people thrive off of drama and drama drama can be um almost addictive and the drama begins to compound and and grow so I think that just bringing things back to calm pressing pause even pressing pause on how you're feeling right now what would help you do you want to take a nap you want to take something to eat you want to read a book you want to watch something do you want us to talk again in an hour where are you feeling checking in but that ability to slow down and press pause and experience what you're experiencing and do so being validated and having space to do so legitimately I think that's our responsibility and but but to guide it to guide it in a way that validates it when it needs validation but also to identify when it needs further support as Dr Goldstein said even before this coming out of Corona and long before Corona there was the epidemic of of mental health of anxiety we've all spent a lot of time all in particular all of us on working on that so to think that it wouldn't be now on steroids of course is is absurd so sometimes we're going to see where it's beyond what you'd call it within the parameters and the spectrum of what's what's an ordinary way to experience this extraordinary and when you need to speak to somebody do you want to have a zoom meeting with someone do you want have a conversation with someone is there someone you'd like an appointment with there are children who maybe historically have taken or now need to be introduced to chemical medical options that could help them figure out how to get through this so and even there we have to not pro reject what we would need what we need to be prescribed or who we need to speak to and force our child to have that we need to listen we need to make space we need to know when something sounds like there needs to be a little extra intervention we need a professional that's Way Beyond us that we're not positioned they don't have the education to guide and when we need to bring a professional in and I think that's our that's our role that's our I can't emphasize this enough that's our contribution to this so if you wanted to go to the tah hilum rally but you were on the phone with your child in Israel so you couldn't don't try to hang up on them to go to the rally because that's where everyone is who wants to feel good they're doing something for Israel your job your responsibility Your Role is to be there for your your child your parents your cousins your niece your nephew whatever degree you're being supportive of those who are on the ground and in Israel that's your contribution each of us are in this we're each called upon we're each reservist we each have a role and don't try to do someone else's role it be you wish you could be at the tillum r you wish you were finishing the book of tillum you wish you were going to the extra learning you wish you were going to pack those those goods and send them over but right now your child just needs to sit with you on the phone right now your sibling just wants to unburden themselves by talking to you about how their parents are so nervous and driving them crazy and and no one else could play that role but you and understanding your parents having that relationship lean into that that's your responsibility at this time can I jump in and make an and can I can I add an and not a butt everything reaber is saying I agree with 100% And um you said what happens when I call you know my my daughter calls me in the morning wherever she is and she's a disaster and then I speak to her in the afternoon she's fine or the opposite I wake up in the morning she's fine all of a sudden she's a disaster a lot of the things that we're finding the questions that are coming up now have almost nothing to do with the situation that we find ourselves in this is something that sort of perennially comes up um for Camp directors sleep away camp directors um for anybody who's running a program in Israel um you know my daughter will call me and say I'm starving you know there's nothing for breakfast everything is gross and you know the the the mom the dad spends all day saying oh my God how they not feeding her she's going to be so hungry and I want her to develop healthy eating habits and you know you go in a million directions and they call the director and they WhatsApp the mad and they do all these things and you've spent your day as the mom worrying about your kid because that's our job to worry about them but it turns out they ended up with a granola bar 10 minutes after they hung off the phone with you and they're fine but you've now spent the entire day you know a stressy m um and so that that's what saying it's an an because everything reab Goldberg said is true yes it's our job to be there and listen to our kids and and also sometimes it's okay if you don't jump at at at everything that they're saying yeah I I think one of the things that we hear a lot about is this this remarkable capacity that we have to compartmentalize right and um how helpful that can be um I just want to we have another question that came in what is the best way to handle a situation where a child may want to come home but the parent and the guidance they've gotten from their leaders is that the child should stay or when one parent wants the child to come home and the other parent doesn't want the child to come home I think that this could be a a very relevant question for a lot of people and Aviva if I'd love for you to share some advice with us here on that maybe this is cheating my way out but I would say call your R like call RBI Goldberg right but the idea is when we have moments where we don't know the answer we're supposed to turn to people that can help us find the answer um I really really really hesitate to give a response to a wh if because like both of us have been saying the whole time none of us are one siiz fits-all none of us are copy paste and what will work for one family may not necessarily work for another family but I would say those are those gorgeous moments where we get to be vulnerable with somebody that we admire and Trust and say hey we're struggling with this question how can you help us figure this out not even can you give us the answer how can you help us figure out what the answer is um I don't know RAB Goldberg would you would you agree would you say something else no I would agree but I also think you know sort of relevant to your last answer which is this is specific to what's going on there but it's also a general question of how do you build consensus in a family how do you make decisions it could equally have been true of the child wants to go to this college the mother wants them to go to that college the father wants them to go to that College how do they reach a decision now obviously the stakes are higher when we're talking about safety and well-being although on many college campuses today we're also talking about safety and well-being maybe as threatening or certainly very threatening um but but it's really a process question how do you communicate how do you build consensus how do you hear other opinions how do you seek to to understand before being understood and how do you come to a conclusion together and navigate those differences so it it feels very acute and it's in a crisis mode but it's really a general process issue about families parents and children couples themselves how when they see something differently about it um you know I'll I'll one could have a child I'll offer a theoretical one could have a child in Israel and they want to be able to go away for chabas and the school wants them to stay in and maybe they're not on the exact same page as the child maybe the couple themselves AR on the same page how do they not allow that to compound the war issue by having a war in their family it will not add anything to to add tension now where there's fighting and resentment and anger and people aren't talking so how do you respectfully listen how do you hear the other side how do you talk it through how do you look for compromise how do you figure it out together and how do you going back to the specific question I think this whole question comes down to why does the child want to lead if a child says I'm anxious I'm concerned every time that siren goes off I'm not sleeping at night I can't concentrate on anything I am anxious and this is having a terrible negative impact I'm not eating I'm not I'm not sleeping that's a very very serious uh decision that that child maybe needs to come home I think by the way also a child who says I'm in Israel to study and learn and I can't focus on not studying or learning anything and I can contribute more if I leave but I can focus and study and learn all day maybe that's a consideration maybe that's also a reasonable reason to live but if the child says well everyone else is you know all all the cool kids all the kids I was friends with there's no one here I want to hang out with anymore so it I want to leave is not one statement it's the why do I want leave and that's where responsible mature people can dissect that I want to leave well why what's underlying it and maybe when you dissect it then you can lead the child themselves to realize either I certainly want to leave for the right reasons or you know what when you put it that way and when we've dissected it in that way I realize that I I think the right thing is for me to stay thank you um we realize also that parent of Lone soldiers um that that is a real area that we would really like to provide support in so we are going to be hosting another webinar please God next week that will really talk to uh this unique um experience that families might be going through aiva Dr aiva if it's okay I'd like to Pivot a little and ask you a question um and if it's okay to put on your parenting hat for a minute I know that there are parents who are here tonight or today with us on today's presentation um par who have children in Israel with their own children so grandparents and one of the questions that we're rece we just received is my daughter and son-in-law live in Israel with many children of all different ages what should we say to our children when we speak to them um you know we speak of mundane everyday things like we usually do but how should we Comfort them and do we talk about the war do we pretend everything is okay I hope it's okay to ask you this as your living through this but perhaps you could tell us what what you feel would be most helpful for others to hear sure I I recognize that not everybody has um Superstar grandparents I recognize not everybody has grandparents but those who do have a tremendous Braha in their life because grandparents can provide and there's actually tremendous research on this and there's also a lot of really to we them on this um grandparents can provide a completely different Outlet than parents can um we know a grandparents love is different than a parent love right they can sneak the chocolate late at night not get in trouble for it right all all the different ways that we can we can spoil our grandchildren um and so the first thing I would just make sure is that you're just stoping them with the I love you so much and I'm so proud of you and and all of those things that come very naturally I think within the the the grandparent grandchild relationship I also think it's a really really nice opportunity to to sort of um to defer to your children who are adults as parents and to ask them um in Your Capacity as parents what do you want me to be doing is there one kid that you want me to be asking these questions to is there dco one kid that I shouldn't be asking these questions to um and it can be one of those you know was talking about sort of like the cohesion of a family uh something shifts when the kids become parents um and when the grandparents can recognize that and turn to their child even if their child is in their 30s or 40s and say look you're the expert on your kids you tell me what role do you want me to be playing um do you want me to be having the serious conversations should I be sending them funny cat videos you know whatever it is the parents probably have a thought about ways in which the grandparents can be help helpful and I I'm guessing parents also have a thought about ways in which grandparents are definely not helpful um and so deferring to the kid to your kids who are the kids parents um you know it gives them an opportunity to to know that you respect them um and enables them to admire you as as the grandparents even more so I would I would again sort of you know STP them with the love and and then defer to the parents and find out what they think would be good for their kids thank you our time is coming to close soon but we have so many questions that are coming in so I'm just going to ask a few more if that's okay I know Dr Goldstein it is very late for you in Israel so we'll try to be to be mindful of that um any tips any advice for the siblings of students in Israel my this is a parent is asking my younger child is having a very hard time with her older sibling being away and I think this question could really apply for you know whether your child is in seminary in University I think loone Soldier too you know we have the children back at home that are really worried and and want their siblings to come home Rabbi Goldberg if you could just shed some light on that that would be great sure you know again every situation is different and siblings you could be talking about older siblings married siblings younger siblings a nine-year-old sibling versus a 22-year- old sibling but I think again parents' job and responsibility is a lot of listening a lot of validating a lot of pressing pause why are you feeling that way are you worried for them are you worried for you do do you trust them and their decision-making about what they're doing and how they'll behave there and they're following all of the protocols to ensure their safety um do not um we haven't even brought up at all in this webinar you know the notion not as a criticism it didn't lend itself but Hashem and amuna and his role in this so what opportunity are there to talk about with our children with grandparents with siblings you know where where we can direct that angst also into amuna and lean into our relationship with Hashem to to our daving to our doing things on their behalf to channeling that that concern into action for them um a sibling can certainly register their thoughts with their sibling I miss you I love you I wish you were coming home but I trust your decision to stay and uh I'm concerned about you but I'm not going to I'm not going to project that onto you and again I think that you know that the theory the ring theory is so so important of comforting in and dumping out and knowing how to relate a sibling in America their their job is not to make their sibling who's choosing to stay more nervous um give you an example of we're all choosing different degrees to expose ourselves to the images that have come out some are mindfully not looking don't want to ever see them uh others can't help but see absolutely everything and it's horror and and we should not be also projecting or sharing or judging people who are choosing to do that differently we're telling them they need to live a life in Israel I was talking to to to I mentioned I interviewed my nieces whose husbands are off now back in in the Army and they're living with my sister with their parents and they said when they're young children among the two families there are four very young children the news is not on in the house while those children are awake and there's no talk of the war whatsoever I'm sure Dr Goldston could speak about this herself her own experience right so if you have young children in that house you're not even having the news on and you don't even talk about the war children are perceptive they know their fathers aren't home um but you don't choose so someone who in Israel is is navigating this in the way that works for them it's not a a sibling or parents or grandparents to dictate how much they need to be aware how close they have to follow the news what images they need to be exposed to our own experience is our own experience don't projected on someone else be supportive of those who are further there and on the front lines and if you know and believe that they've made the decision in a responsible way if you think they're not making a responsible decision if they think they're not making it in a responsible way their judgment is off or their or the people advising them are off or they're not or they're acting recklessly that's one thing to intervene but if they're reasonable people making a reasonable decision in a reasonable way back off it's their life and it's their choice and don't project your own concern anxiousness or insecurity on them thank you thank you so much Dr viiva Goldstein and Rabbi Goldberg we urge you to reach out to connect with people that will provide you with the compassionate support um that you feel you need and also to really engage in in activities and and to do what you can to contribute whether it's spiritually or in any other way to do things that are restorative that are meaningful that will really feel like you are having a role in helping in the situation um that is going on and impacting all of us so profoundly um again thank you everyone for joining us here we have so many questions that have come in um our team will do our best to respond to questions that people have sent in as long as you haven't sent in anonymously and we are going to continue to provide support through these webinars um again the in the chat we have posted how you can reach out for support whether it's as an educator or youth support professional to our aroundthe clock teacher helpline we also have our Trolla support available for you for your families and please don't hesitate to reach out to us if we can be of support or of assistance for you and your families in any way Dr Goldstein we are thinking about you we wish you and your family well and uh Rabbi Goldberg thank you so much uh both of you for giving us so much wisdom and insight here today goodbye everyone