Living With Emunah (Part 317) - Restoring the Relationship

okay good morning Boer to welcome back to living with amuna thank you for your flexibility as we've had to rearrange our schedule this week if you want to get bonus material extra ideas and most importantly be aware of our schedule join the WhatsApp group r.org WhatsApp the a series is generous sponsor by Dr zavi and B Bella Morgan in memory of our dear friend Dr Brian galit Z and in memory of Bella's mother Dr Ellen shanzer we remain incredibly grateful to the Morgans for their generosity so this morning Shear is sponsored anonymously in honor of the birth of our beautiful daughter mazov to the anonymous people they should have a lot of Nas from their Anonymous daughter who should not be anonymous and they should have only Sim we should all have only Sim and after a very very difficult day yesterday and a continued difficult day today we should please get here only bosos we should hear good news for CLA I want to begin as we always do with some emails we'll dive into a new text we're going back to a vire back to beautiful piece to get us ready for El and for these special days though whenever you're listening it's relevant not only to this time of year but first I want to share I got in one of our emails and I didn't I I I failed to previously share it so I want to read it to you and also made copy so you could take with you one of our amuna listeners wrote a poem about amuna based on her experiences and I want to share the poem and make it available to you my plans set up so perfectly in my mind but boom there they go with some plan you designed I can calculate and plan to my my heart's content but I can only work with situations that are Heaven Sent I just need to let go and let you take charge your plans overshadow mine they are so real and large every morning as I prepare to embark on my day I wish I could choose to live life my way if I could live my life according to my plan I would be lost because I'm a mere man if I could choose when and how everything would occur my life would simply B pass by in a blur I'd get rid of the sorrow the hurt and the pain but I can choose to dance in the rain no more uncertainty stress or doubt but I can choose to refocus on what life's really about if I was you I'd send to Yeshua my way without hesitation there's no time to delay but if I was you the world would be a big mess because I have no clue what buttons to press it takes superum strength to relinquish control and believe that each hurdle makes me more whole my brain is limited so I can't understand I'm so tiny yet you Encompass the whole land for thousands of years you've been running the show with love care and Perfection it's only you know the highs and the lows to reach up and down it's my job to turn to you and restore your crown Hashem you are my king planning what's best for me K I need to let your plans be I'm sorry my emotions block my clarity in sight but it's actually a sign that I'm doing all right I'm a mes how I want to know your ways like Moshe rabenu who was filled with your praise when I search for you struggle and even dare to question when I wonder what will be with a twinge of pain and rejection it's a sign I'm turning in your direction I know you're here I want to feel your protection Hashem please clear my mind of all these bushes and trees help me live with acceptance of your plan Sim and serenity written byes hasem trying to live with amuna somebody is going through challenging times in her own life and expressed it through this beautiful beautiful poem there are copies here if you'd like to take a copy reread it take another look at it again sing it say it write a melody to it but it's h it's worthwhile so thank you okay I want to share a few amuna emails the amuna emails are why you come back I know that not for me it's why I come back so I want to share them with you and then we'll get back into our text the new text for today I'm really excited about to get back to Ray hello go I've been listening to your she for a while and try to attend in person when I'm in Florida this past Sunday at 2 in the afternoon my husband asked me what's for lunch that question comes with a standard answer I quote from my good friend's mother for better or worse but not for lunch so I offer okay that's a new one for me so I offer him in a bowl and off we went to get them we ordered our size I went to sit outside at one of the tables one table over sat a young woman in shorts and a bathing suit top talking loudly on her phone I tried not to EAS drop her conversation but at one point I did hear her say Israel will take care of you my husband joined me with our lunch and she continued to talk on the phone when she hung up she approached our table she was very upset she was crying she asked if we heard the conversation I told her all I heard was that Israel would take care of it she proceeded to tell me that her grandmother was supposed to visit from Israel today and was diagnosed with cancer she continued to tell us that today's world everyone hates us at this point I noticed she's wearing a tiny mugan doid she looked up and there we were clearly Jewish my husband a big yamaka me a headscarf this point I said the first thing that came to my mind I told her it was a wink from God he would take care of her grandmother and watch over her he's always present looking out for us living on the mo gave me the right tools to answer this young woman I asked for her grandmother's name told her I'd pray for her she told me her name roas and she was named after her great-grandmother guess what I replied my name is also F thank you for amazing Shear helping us see the hand of Hashem in everyday life gives us the tools the answer how to do for someone else this next email is from uh one of the sons one of the children of the person for whom the arer is dedicated each week one of Rabbi Dr gab's Sons hello Rabbi Goldberg can't begin to tell you how much I derive from listening to your Shear every week knowing how much Torah is being learned in my father's memory and inspires me to no end a few weeks ago I had a hash proest story that took place I want to share with you a friend and I decided we wanted to do something adventurous this summer being Yankee fans we decided to drive to Tampa to go to the Yankee game the night before the game I was walking out of mamar when I noticed a guy from my block who I thought could use a friendly word I felt the motivation to connect with him and wasn't going to let the fact that I was in a rush to get home stop that this is clearly Dr gabet son Rabbi gabet son because that was Brian always smile always a connection never in a rush when there was another Jew who could use a pick me up knowing that he's also a Yankee fan I decided to go over him and say something like go in a Tampa tomorrow to change our luck as the Yankees had been in a slum he immediately stopped and asked me dead serious you're going to Tampa tomorrow I'm driving up there myself with a U-Haul to bring materials for the a of there maybe you can help me I thought this was too coincidental to not be divine sign to help him who would have thought that we'd both be driving from boka to Tampa on a random Thursday in July bar my friend and I were able to assist him as it turned out the job himself would have been nearly impossible we Road Tri together in the UL heard a lot of great advice stories from him listened to the partial perspective living with amuna we got to Tampa dropped off the materials of the beautiful col there and of course made it to the Yankee game as well just wanted to share thank you so much for being an inspiration R daily yada yada yada but a beautiful thing all because he went over and saw someone was down and could use to pick me up and went to go check in on him and it turns out they were driving the same four-hour drive away and he was able to help him because nothing is coincidental random or chance everything is by Design next email from somebody who is here this morning in part of our amuna story dear B gogs you know I found my amuna and love for Hashem very late in life you know there's no such thing as late in life it's never too late to find Hashem it's never late to find ourselves it's never too late to become the people that we were meant to be it's a huge mistake that people make thinking I'm older and I'm Advanced and I'm set and I'm fixed in my ways and it's too late it's never too late it's never too late age is just a number it's never too late to be who you're meant to be it's never too late to lead the life you're meant to live it's never too late to do what you're meant to do the best our best is yet to come it's the saddest one of the greatest tragedies in the world are the people who live in the past who think their best is behind them their growth are behind them they're leaving a legacy is behind them they're forming their brand is behind them our best is always Yet to Come Frank Lloyd Wright is that his name the great architect I've told the story many Frank Lloyd Wright I've told the story many times Frank Lloyd Wright at the end of his life and the end of his career accomplished World winning award-winning architect was asked of all of your designs of all of your buildings which is your favorite one and he answered my next one my next one and for all of us our next daving our next learning our next our next rashash our next yum Kipper our next shabas our next time with a friend or time with our family is our best one it's not behind us so there's no such thing as late in life it's all when it's meant to be as such I've been working very back to the email as such I've been working very hard to find ways to connect with hem even more and to discover what he would like me to do with this tremendous gift of faith in the meantime I try to find his hand daily in my life life as I did this past weekend when I was in TR on shabas morning I had two usual thoughts one was that it was so uplifting to be surrounded by so many people expressing their deep love for God the other by the way that in itself we take for granted if you grew up going to sh it first of all you may not have been surrounded by people trying to connect to God you might have been surrounded by people that were just doing it because socially that's where they had to someone made them you know it's a beautiful thing if a person feels that in sure they're surrounded by people connecting to God that's a wonderful thing it says wonderful thing about the people and about that sh in this case happens to be ours but it's not necessarily it's not necessarily a given and we can lose sight of that think about it you could lose sight of that what a gift it is how many people outen there are living in a world when do they find themselves surrounded by tens or hundreds or couple thousand people on a campus who are there because they're trying to connect to God and to each other and to our history into our destiny into our Timeless Torah into our Traditions like that in itself is unb it's enough that's remarkable that's extraordinary that's amazing it's amazing I went to a Yankee game this summer I have a few stories from it which I'm not going to tell now but I will say that one of the reflections I had I have every time I go to a sporting event you know especially Yankee Stadium in the Bronx if you've ever been you know Yankees Yankee fans are a unusual breed a rare breed you know they're banging on the walls and they're hitting the roof with the bat and they're cheering for the Yankees on the way in and on the way out and they're anyone's wearing a jersey of the opposing team they're taking their life into their hands and there's a whole energy in the stadium and I don't what does Yankee Stadium fit today 40, 50,000 30 th it's an enormous number and it's packed and it sells out and there you are in a stadium and the people are high-fiving and hugging when there's a home run and they're connecting and they're cheering in there and I really just felt like these are people who have nothing in common nothing to do with each other don't know each other and this is what's creating the bond on the one hand it's lovely and it's beautiful on the other hand it's sort of sad you know this notion of who is our community what defines our community there's nothing wrong with being part of the community of fans particularly of the most winning team in all history of sports clearly the team that Hashem loves the most there's nothing wrong there's nothing wrong that's for you Mrs mot there's nothing wrong with um with being connected to that but that can't be our Central Community or our core Community or our only Community NE when you when you meet people sometimes the newspaper has a story of the guy who had season tickets for 60 years and went to every game and sat in that chair and his all the memorability and his whole life is Def it's a hobby it's a sport it's Recreation sometimes it means more to these fans than it does the players themselves so everything has to be in its place but one of the things I always feel when you at that sporting event is how lucky and how fortunate we are that as much as we have fun when we go and there's nothing wrong with high-fiving and connecting and cheering as you're walking through on the way in and out of the stadium that's not our life that's not the some total of our life and compare and contrast that laav when you walk into sh I wish there was the same energy now that we have the hot and cold beverages and we're just getting started in the lobby of our scho you're going to see a lot more being rolled out please God but I wish we had that same energy that you're walking through the gate and onto the campus and through the lobby that there is laav at a sporting event that you're all going to connect and to cheer and to root and to lock ourselves into that same Destiny together it's incredible so the author of this email very special person and friend writes that how grateful she is to be discover to be able to be with people first thought one was that it was so uplifting to be surrounded by so many people expressing their deep love for God the other was that because I'd never learned Hebrew I have absolutely no idea what's actually going on during the service which is another thing that we take for granted if you are privileged and blessed to have had Jewish Education to have a Jewish Education and you can find your way through a sitter you are in the top whatever percent of Jews in the world how many have no idea which direction to hold the sitter and what page you're on and we have at the front of our room a page Turner which many os do not have last week there was a guest of visit and he pointed to the page he said is that the N the what is that he wanted to know why is there why are there numbers in the front of the room is that telling you sunrise sunset what what what time is is that telling you so I said no that's telling you the page and he looked at me like who wouldn't know what why would you need to know what page you're on but I can't tell you how often people comment to me who have a Jewish background who have a Jewish Education that still also tells you our Davin goes so quickly you could get lost but to know what page you're on the gift of knowing what page you're on the gift in life of knowing what there's a metaphor of the gift of knowing what page are on back to the email I Dar in the emails you know we learn the Rashi on the emails we we don't just read the emails because then you don't need me then I could just forward you the emails I have to give you an excuse a reason to come I mentioned to the woman sitting next to me I would love to have a transliteration version of The Sitter she so typical of the wonderful people at BRS immediately ran out and found me one it was indeed helpful but the page numbers of that Arts girl sitter did not correspond with the page numbers of the sitter that theu was using so I was still a bit lost later that night I mentioned to my husband that kabad Central had offered a six week immersion course reading Hebrew last year I told Michael I was going to ask the rabbi if they were thinking of doing the course again the next day I was looking around for something to read as I was eating my lunch and I picked up something from our mail pile it was the bethl chronicle which is the monthly member newsletter of the reform synagogue here in boo we joined years ago during our first attempt to reconnect with our yish kite soon realized it wasn't what we were looking for for some reason that we never canceled our membership I started reading as I was eating I was shocked to read it that they're going to have a one-day educational Marathon to help congregants read Hebrew I couldn't believe it my first thought was wow and the first words out of my mouth were hasem I couldn't believe that he heard my yearning to be closer to him that he sent me the blessing ironically provided his answer from what I would have thought most unlikely of places I didn't have to put on my amuna glasses to see the miracle I immediately signed up for the class thank you always Rabbi for everything you do y y blah blah blah thanks to the BRS members for welcoming so warmly into the community so all we have to do is ask Hashem and very often he answers but we have to take that first step we have to show that yearning we have to ask and often he will then provide the answer we'll read one more for today and then get into our text I'm really excited about please keep sending the emails even if I can't get to it yet please keep sending it moves me deeply you never know when I'm going to read it when it's going to come out when it's going to appear in a book who knows but PE keep sending them because I also think it's good to write it just writing it even if it sits in your draft is an experience of keeping a diary of hash just writing down I feel and saw Hashem in my life today is incredibly powerful incredibly powerful to do that hi Goldberg I live in such and such Community I listen to weekly mun I was turned on to the podcast by room is from BRS I always find from the she it's my weekly reminder blah blah blah blah here's some background of my life and therefore the amuna story but if you plan on reading the email summarize when I was a certain age my father passed away and my whole life was turned upside down I moved away and then moved back home at my mother's request and then I moved out of the house and I found myself without a home for a few months I finally got an apartment roommate a job and some savings and started to feel like the ground was back under my feet started therapy was working on my relationship with my mother my mother then got involved with a financial scammer who threw away her children family and friends I have no relationship with her anymore very complicated for the past few years my main personal struggle has been finding my sh and starting my own family due to the family struggles I've had over the years this goal has been especially important so I can start a family of my own well this has not yet been happened to me I have a happen at the right time today I was thrown another cor Bowl in life my youngest sister who is my best friend was diagnosed with cancer she's kind caring joyful she was about to get engaged I'm struggling to keep my amuna I have to believe that Hashem has a plan but in this instance I'm having a hard time accepting it I thought the past number of years of my life contained enough bad things more than a lot of people go through in a lifetime and I thought I was done and now with my sister but I will keep trying to maintain amuna I'm working and fighting but it is hard and again why did I read that email because it's one of the emails not of and it worked out and I find and I connected and I it it was perfect and here's the amazing ending here's the email that says I'm going through a rough and a hard time but where else do I go to find the strength where else can I lean in what else can I can I pull on to be able to to find the strength it's auna it's auna doesn't make our problems go away but it gives us the strength and the resilience to be able to navigate our way through them because life is not easier without amuna if you think it's random and chance and everything that happens to you you're just a victim of circumstance you're just a victim of Randomness that doesn't make it easier it makes it harder when we realize that there is a choreographer and there's an architect and an artist and there's an author who's writing our story and that this adventure is made up of many chapters and these particular chapters or this first half of the book has been challenging and difficult and painful but we don't know yet what is to be written then we can find the strength to endure to endure those emails I always find very powerful and they inspire me to no end because when everything's going wonderfully well in life to say and it all worked out and Hashem is amazing and it's all perfect it's lovely it's nice amuna it all worked out it's beautiful I have an incredible amuna story that I'm sharing I'm waiting I'll find the right opportunity uh I can't wait to share from uh I heard recently paying a Shiva call to the foxes an incredible amuna story I'm going to share it but when things worked out well and someone was saved and they were spared and they were healed and it's an amazing story it's an amazing story but the bread and butter of amuna is when it doesn't go well and when you don't know how it's going to end yet and the next part has yet to be written and yet to lean in and dig deep and find that strength that is beyond inspirational to all of us and we can lean in on it as a hot spot to find the amuna ourselves when we don't know what the next chapter holds for us when we don't know what is to come to see and to remember there are such people that we can be like them and we can lean on their strength okay we're back Inay the beautiful series of there have been more and more and more that have been coming out Morgan is a great sad in today very holy person it's important to know when you're reading a text and learning someone's Torah who are they when did they live we've shared about him before and even as a young man his own teacher saw his greatness and what would become of him he's a person is a great and is a righteous person and he was in many ways not from this world I had the privilege to meet with him and to see him and to DAV in his b medish he's a very very special individual and he's trying to lift us all up with him to not live down here but to live up here to not be stuck in this mis material physical world of Temptation and drive and distraction but to be able to live in a higher plane to not be a body but to be a soul and to live in a place where we feel Hashem and we're in anoing dynamic energized relationship with him and that's the theme of all of his far is to live with that mindfulness and that intention and that Consciousness and as we spoke about a couple weeks ago to make bids for connection to Hashem to feel hashem's bids for connection with us to feel when hem is winking at us and smiling at us and giving us that hug to not neglect it or ignore it but really to embrace it and lean into it and to reciprocate it to reciprocate it with our with 100 blessings a day each of those blessings is to realize hem this coffee or walking out of a bathroom or understanding that I'm healthy and counting my blessings literally each blessing is you winking at me none of these blessings am I entitled none of these blessings am I deserving none of these blessings do I take for granted but every one of them is a gift from you we're reminded yesterday yet again if you have the same headcount in your home at the end of the day count your blessings it's not a given it's not a given shortly right now there's a funeral beginning of one of the the six of hsh and all each one and the three police people who were killed tragically yesterday because a checkpoint was open and we were rewarded with the humanitarian gesture of opening a checkpoint that within minutes three police people were slaughtered one of whom lost a daughter on October 7th in stot whose family now has to suffer two losses within a year nothing is a given nothing is a given nothing is a given this morning is the funeral of a young Soldier 20 years old from Pak who was killed on chabas in janin who was in Yeshiva and Shar with my nephew in his hezer program and Katona who they let his classmates out of the army so 20-y olds could go to the funeral of their of their classmate of their friend nothing we could take for granted so every day that you're alive and you're awake there are frustrations and there's miserable you know you talk to people doing renovations on their home oh it's a disaster it's miserable it's such a pain and you know every renovation is is complicated and difficult and people don't show up or follow through and the choice didn't work out and it's the biggest blessing on the planet if you're doing a renovation on your home you should sing and dance the kazaka every day what a blessing that that's your biggest problem that that's your biggest problem that it didn't match exactly that it came and it was missing the part that the person said they'd be there at 9:00 am and they didn't come till 11: a.m. and that's your problem dance it's annoying it's annoying but let's use the right language let's put everything in perspective and in its right place let's not call things that aren't a disaster a disaster let's not say something is a disaster when it can be easily fixed and when it's a blessing to have that very problem to begin with I tried ordering it and they were out of stock I wanted that clothing and they ran out it's a disaster it's a you're so you if that's your disaster you living the Most Blessed Life on the planet on the planet so is winking and nodding and smiling and hugging us every day with every parking spot and every gleen green light and every flight that takes off with every morning that everything in US is working in our hands and our feet and our eyes and our ears and when we see children we're blessed to have children we're blessed to have grandchildren the knas of that of that moment my kids are going back to Israel today and they're alone also you know you first they announce because we're gonna pay back Kamas somehow by shutting down the country not exactly sure the thinking but uh they're going to do a big strike so right when all the students are coming back to Israel for the year and the Yung go and their families they're going to shut down so there's panic because I don't know if you know but there's only one Airline flying in Israel and you can't get a flight for the month of September it's not you can't get a cheap flight or a good flight or the right time flight you cannot get a seat on a flight in the month of September so first there's the Panic they announced they're going to strike the airport shut down now the airport's going to an exclusion no everything with the airport no not the American flights no that's a roller coaster ride which can agid you very quickly unless you say Hashem this is so fun this is such an adventure I have no idea how it's gonna turn out will we fly will we not fly you know part of my family was rooting for the for the strike to happen in the airport so that our beautiful babies can stay in our house for a few more days or a few more weeks the those who want to go back are rooting for it to be open but you say hasem if this is my problem I'm so blessed everyone's healthy and well and it's just a question of when they'll fly what a blessing figure it out whatever is meant to be if it's fixable and solvable it's a blessing it's a wink and a nod and a hug from Hashem and how do we respond that's the 100 blessings a day is how we respond because as we spoke about two weeks ago if a person makes a bid for connection and they're ignored instead of turning towards you turn away or turn against that bid for connection that marriage is on its way to being dissolved that is the beginning of a predictor of divorce the ratio of bids for connection being responded by turning towards versus turning against or away is a predictor of divorce Hashem is making bids for connection all day he's making a bid for connection it was pouring rain except for when you had to walk to sh for 15 minutes it stopped raining right when you needed to walk he's winking at you he's giving you a hug he's nodding at you so did you just say oh what a coincidence is stopped raining when he need to walk to sh did you not even notice and you just walked to sh and then you were there and you were dry and you didn't have to take the Poncho out of the packet and you didn't even notice that's Hashem calling hello and you're just head down and you're still scrolling and you don't even hear him you're not even answering him you're not even answering 100 bras a day is Hashem yes I heard you loud and clear and I'm responding to your bid I'm talking right back to you I'm connecting back with you so I want to learn on but if you're listening to this because I constantly me people who say Spotify is the greatest sh in my life Spotify I don't know exactly how the algorithm Works people are in Spotify and they stumble across living with auna and they start listening wherever they randomly picked it up so if you're starting now and it happens to be January but you're listening to our Shir on don't turn it off this is relevant all year long it's relevant whenever you hear we're on page says the following we just turned the page already he says the problem the problem comes in El the problem comes because people walk into this time of year we benches rashes is tonight tomorrow on Wednesday Wednesday is the first day of el and we've got the month of el to get ready for rashash we've got 40 days till yum Kipper yum Kipper is 40 days from Wednesday it's time I heard R say yesterday if we knew if we knew what these last 11 months would be if we knew what yesterday would be and we could go back would we not do ell differently think of last ell that we coasted through and we took our time and we said we'd catch up and we'll improve and we'll change and we'll grow and we'll transform we'll get to it we'll get to it but if we knew then what we know now what these 11 months would bring Would we not have lived differently last El so this El don't wait who knows what next 11 months will bring and who knows what's going on right now don't wait right now live this El but the problem is when people hear the word the month El what do they think it's' got to be perfect got to dive in perfectly and never gossip and slander and not look at the wrong things and dress the right way be mindful of every BR and I've got to never raise my voice and get angry and I've got to be absolutely perfect and Perfection is the greatest obstacle to good because if you think I have to be perfect I have to become perfect so you're not even going to get started I have to eat perfectly sleep perfectly I have to be perfect in my communication and conversation so the first second you encounter imperfection which is going to be after a couple minutes because we're after all mere mortals and humans so then you give up all together that's not what ell is about ell is not about looking at every aspect of life and holding ourselves to the standard of being perfect that is a misnomer a misconception El is not supposed to inspire fear and awe I'm afraid lightning is gonna strike if I don't do the right thing then another terrible October 7th is gonna happen something gonna happen in my family there other shoes GNA drop in my home so I have to be perfect because I'm afraid of lightning striking that's not what 's about is about love it's about love it's about connection it's about yearning it's about a relationship it's about a relationship you know a person could come to their spouse and say I've had it you're impossible you don't care about me the way you mistreat me I'm filing for divorce unless you radically change then I'm out of here and that's one approach and the other is a person can say you know I miss you and I want something special and I want to take our relationship from good to great and I want our home to be filled with greater love and what can we do and what can we how can we make a commment and what can we adopt and what can we begin that will bring greater love that will bring greater love both of them are trying to create transformation but the transformation can come from a sense of ultimatum threat fear punishment or the change can come from love affection and the yearning to come closer so we think El is the first K saying be a good boy be a good girl this is it your last chance turn it around be better be perfect your lightning is going to strike that's not what hasem is saying what Hashem is saying is I love you and I see the best in you and I know what we're capable of having and I want to be close I'm here be close to me be close to me the truth is of chuva is what chuva is really all about is returning to hem May says you know what El is all about what Chua is all about it is about connecting and gluing yourself to Hashem loving Hashem and feeling Hashem and having a relationship with Hashem the core aod the core effort of el is improving our sense of amuna to feel hasem talking to us and to start talking to him to feel the presence of Hashem all around us and to cling to him and to connect him and when that alert comes through that says airport shut down strike in Israel to say okay Hashem I surrender to you whatever your plan is for whenever you plan to bring me back whenever I'm meant to get there is when I'll go not what's going to be and it's a disaster and it's devastating if a person responds that way that is a failure of El El El El should invoke a sense not of awe and fear and trembling and crippling and debilitating El should be filled with love and affection and connection and trust and faith and yearning and closeness and intimacy and what's the measure what we've been learning the last several months msun Ms is just yes I know Hashem and yes I've heard that yes I can even repeat that and yes I go to that share and yes I sign up for that newsletter and that what's Happ and that yes but amuna what happens when you get the alert that your flight's canceled what happens when you get the alert that there might be a strike are you peaceful and tranquil and Serene and you say Hashem whatever is in store whatever you have planned whatever it is meant to be or do you panic and fear and anxious El is about Chua is about what's the root of the word Chua Chua means answer to a question we are the answer to the question but the root of the word Chua means to return and what are we returning to we are returning to live a a life of souls not a life of bodies if you're living a soul existence and your soul is yearning and connecting to the source of All Souls Hashem then you're living one plane one way and if you're living the body existence then you're living a place of material and physical and you're living a different existence we want to return we want to I do a fair amount of u supportive marriage counseling what I mean supportive is I always refer to a competent therapist trained licensed I just whatever play whatever role that I can to be supportive but I often often when sitting with a couple who are in crisis I'll ask each of them why did you marry the other what did you made you fall in love what did you see what was redeeming what did you admire what Drew you close what was the connection and and it's been a long time in many cases since people remembered or thought about that in many cases it's been a long time since they articulated it since they said something nice or saw something admirable or gave something praiseworthy to the other and then I'll ask was there a time that you did feel the love and the closeness and the connection was there a time that you were happy and that you dreamed of growing old together when was it and what made you feel that way and how could you return to it chuva is how can we go back to that relationship with Hashem was there a time that we felt his presence was there a time that we were connected with him was there a time that we were on fire in our daving in our learning in our Jewish lives in our Jewish practice the chabas meant something and Y meant something and bras meant something and amuna meant something and now in El we're working on our marriage to hasem in El we're working on our marriage to Hashem and Chua is it's to go back it's to return it's to restore it's to reboot and even though there are technical mechanics and there is a formula of chuva the rambam's formula of chuva is that in order to truly repent you have to have regret about the past and you have to confess what you did wrong and you have to accept upon yourself not to repeat it in the future those things are really only about the conditions of repentance but the core of Chua is I want to go back to living with you I want to go back to feeling your presence I want to go back to seeing you in everything I want to go back to feeling a connection if a couple's in crisis so the mechanics of repair if a person particularly if they violated a boundary if there was an infidelity a distrust which doesn't just mean in the extreme example could be a financial infidelity it can be all kinds of things so of course you have to go through the mechanics of confessing admitting of apologizing of sincere remorse there has to be regret there has to be accountability there has to be a commitment to not repeat it in the future one needs all of those things in place but that's not what restoring the marriage are all about the foundation of restoring the marriage is there's been a a barrier there's been a wedge put between us and I don't want it there I want to be close I want to live and breathe I want to be two halves a whole I want to think about you and you to think about me I want as my life happens to be desperate to share it with you and I want you to confide and share yours with me I want to to grow old together I want to laugh together and cry together ah in order to get back there I have to go through this formula and these mechanics I have to admit what I did wrong I have to apologize I have to express regret I have to make a cabala except that I won't do it in the future for sure I can't just come and wipe this leg clean and say you know I really love you let's just pretend that didn't happen let's make things better let's move on that doesn't work that doesn't work doesn't work that just pushes it under the carpet and makes it pile harder and it's going to make it erupt even bigger that doesn't work those mechanics are critical and they can't be skipped you have to go through this formula that's what the rabam says it's true in a marriage and it's true in our relationship with Hashem person has to go through that formula of admission of remorse and regret of accepting responsibility and of making a commitment here's what I'm going to do to work on it to make sure that doesn't happen again but why is that all happening the background the backdrop the foundation the canvas of all that happening is because I want to go back to being connected I want to go back to this emotional and spiritual and physical intimacy that we and we alone share and the way the path the wrot the road map back there is this formula but that's where I want to be and that's where I want to go sometimes in a relationship sometimes you're meeting with that couple and they're checked out and you say where do you want to be in a year from now where do you want this to end how do you want this to end it's a question I often ask a couple that I'm trying to be supportive of how do you want this to end because it's only if you want it to end in that result now we could talk about how you get there but if you say you know I think I want it to end we part ways we have irreconcilable differences we've Grown Apart I need to go my own way it still may be important particularly if a boundary has been crossed or violated to take responsibility regret remorse apology and so on and so forth but what's the backdrop to it is the goal to be together soay here is reframing what chuva and you could do chuva in January you could do chuva in September you could do chuva L and you could do Chua in the middle ofes in the middle of K in the middle of Tav so this is relevant all year wrong but chuva repentance is not about some formula it's not a God we nobody did this intentionally but the people in our early life who painted a picture and an image in our minds that what is chuva God is SC and he's punishing and he's going to catch us and he's going to get us and we're going to pay the piper and things going to go wrong in our life and once a year we come to him and say I'm really sorry for being a bad boy a bad girl here are the things I shouldn't have done and I'm gonna try to do better even though we both know I'm gonna go back to the way I always do it and I'm just saying that because I don't want you to punish me I want to get out of timeout I want to get out of this punishment this consequence I want my phone back I want my debit card filled I want my so I go through this exercise of coming in front of you and saying I'm so sorry but I don't really mean it and that's what's prepared right because otherwise he's ready to strike he's ready to punish he's ready to take us down and that's what we've been taught with this image of of this fear but that's not the image we should have says Rich the fear is a loving Hashem he's loving and he's waiting but he can't want a relationship with us more than we want one with him it depends and relies on us we have to want that relationship takes two parts parties to have a relationship and a healthy marriage and Hashem is waiting and that's our Challenge and that's what we should think about these next 40 days and well beyond is not just as I go through the list of actions what have I done wrong what have I done wrong right what could I do better which we should do because in a healthy marriage in an amazing healthy marriage you go for coffee at Starbucks and you sit you say I love you you're amazing I just want to bring to your attention not because I'm catching you or criticizing you but because this would make me feel better if your socks went in the hamper instead of next to the hamper then I would feel that you really care about me because I've been asking you for 27 years to put the socks in the hamper not next to the hamper you know what that's important to you I love you and that makes you not feel loved because I'm ignoring something you've asked so many times I don't want you to feel that way absolutely so yes there are taking stock in inventory of what could I do better what can I fix what can I be more of aware of what can I be more intentional to but all of that is to contribute to to feeling connected and intimate and in love and that's the goal in our relationship with Hashem Chua is about so a Chua without working on am is not Chua to just say I don't make bras and I gotta work on my dress and I've been gossiping too much and I'll and I'll and I gotta do this and I gotta do this but I still never talk to you or hear you talking to me or feel connected to you or have a relationship with you and I'm not really involved with you that's not chuva the core and Foundation the prerequisite to Chua is I want an ongoing intimate close communicative relationship with you Hashem I want to live a life I'm talking to you and I hear you talking to me that's what I want how do we get there let's get to work let's read a book or go to a seminar let's meet with a therapist let's get to work I'm ready to do the hard work but that's the goal that's the destination that's what I want to get just like the says return you know when a person ignores or neglects or hurts their spouse so they'll find themselves distanc from their spouse if you were asked to take the garbage out and you ignored it you were asked to put your socks in lamper and you did if you were asked to not raise your voice but you kept losing your cool if you were asked to not call a name but you kept calling a name you're going to be distance the other person is going to withdraw they not want to be connected they don't want to spend time they don't want to physically be close they're not going to confide they're not going to be connected and Hashem is the same way Hashem says I have this ongoing love with you here is what I'm asking you to do and when you neglect it when you ignore it when you violate it so I I pull back I don't feel close I don't feel connected and what's CH I want to come close I want to be connected I want to confide I want you to confide in me I want to be much more intentional and responsive to your needs to your asks we're supposed to return to hasem Hashem is waiting for us we are returning to him we'll pick upem next week with o with the next piece in here but this was the foundation we're in this time PA we're working on things don't get lost in the details the details are critically important but don't get lost in the details at the expense of what this is really all about and we hear please take a copy of the poem If you like please remain for 5 minutes we can finish all of safer tum in five minutes and who knows if it's your tum that will make the difference so please remain for a few more minutes