Living With Emunah (Part 275) - Emunah Emails

okay good morning good morning Booker Tov welcome back to living with emuna I want to thank our Siri sponsor as always our dear friends avian Bella Morgan in memory of Rabbi Dr Brian galbot in memory of Bella's mother Dr Ellen shanzer very grateful for their generosity this morning sure is also sponsored by Rabbi George and Lisa Lintz in memory of her beloved father moshead of Fishel Dr Morris lofman and by Debbie gorland is in memory of nira's mother who's 15th year side Leia basnasa now approaches of you and your family by Debbie roslinski to commemorate her father Nathan Ben barack's First Heritage today his nashama as well so thank you to all of our very very generous sponsors okay we have a lot of learning to do and a lot of emails and letters to catch up on as always which is I know the real reason that you come here so just to share a couple with you quickly dear by Goldberg for quite some time I've had to deal with a toxic relationship with a certain family member over the past few days things escalated considerably leading into lashing out with an extremely angry and hurtful WhatsApp message that I am still struggling to process this morning I thought to myself perhaps one of you living with a minister might give me the Boost I needed I scrolled down and opened a random share it's my favorite words random a random share it happened to be the one who gave before pesach in which you spoke about anger and Redemption as I listened I was astounded it was as if you were speaking directly to me in my situation you spoke about someone lashes out at you in Anger that is reflecting of their lack of amuna that you should not respond to the text and while it's necessary to deal with the relationship ultimately we should attempt to do so from a place of pity for the other person rather than get caught up in their failings you suggested to Daven for them rather than react to them those words exactly what I needed to hear of course they're no quick fixes it's an ongoing painful issue reframing the issue from the perspective of a Muna gave me a huge amount of so I share that for two reasons number one because it really reiterate creates the strategy that we shared then previously and reiterate now that strategy of when somebody mistreats us or lashes out at us or acts inappropriately with us to not absorb their negativity you know if we get caught up as if we eliminate or erase Hashem from the equation there is no God there is no Hashem it's just about us and that other person then we start to doubt ourselves then we start to want to lash out or get even or Revenge at them but the moment that we can have a context and a perspective and we can realize is a bigger story here and the way they're behaving is saying much more about them than it is about us and of course we have to constantly take stock of who we are and how we behave of our midos and can we with pride look in the mirror with how we interacted with that person but if the answer is yes we believe we did what was appropriate and right that we haven't done anything wrong the fact that they are lashing out nonetheless says so much more about them than it does us and the amuna the Leaning into the amuna the leaning in to realizing that there's Hashem and there's a reason that we were meant to experience this that WhatsApp message that email the way that person spoke to us in public or private we were meant to hear something for us to learn there's a way we're meant to grow from it then we won't feel a need for revenge or to match or to elevate or escalate they're lashing out because we could see it in that in that context so I share it because it's a good opportunity to review that lesson and mostly I'm reviewing it for myself that when someone sends or speaks to you in that harsh way said pause take that deep breath and to say is there virtue or Merit to the message even if I don't like the messaging and even if I don't like the messenger I don't like the messenger and I don't like the messaging of the way they communicate it but maybe the message there's something I need to hear maybe there's something I need to take away maybe their way I need to grow from it and even if we conclude no I reject the message the messaging and the messenger but you know what I'm not going to have the rest of my day ruined or spoiled that person's not going to have real estate in my head I'm going to lean into a Muna that there's a reason I need to hear that how can I grow or improve or change from it but what I loved about this email is and now we've received several like it which has nothing to do with me or us it's something to do with him of people who said you know I was feeling or experiencing this and I put on a random Shear mine or someone else YouTube or the algorithm of the podcast player last week I got a voicemail from somebody I was going through something and I never heard of you but on Spotify I happen to stumble across your living with a moonashire and now I've listened to several in a row again because the emails that we're reading in the Torah that were simply transmitting from others but nobody happens to hear something on Spotify no playlist or algorithm randomly suggests something for someone if we know what is above us if we know that there is a choreographer a curator above us if we know that he's carefully determining and picking the exact perfect playlist for us the playlist that we need to hear then we were meant to hear we were meant to overhear we were meant to see we were meant to listen I'm not suggesting that you should you know every day open a podcast player and try to randomly pick something I think that we can still with a certain level of intention and intentionality make our own playlist in life literally and figuratively we can still take responsibility and personal responsibility to curate our own playlist of what will inspire and be magazikas but know that when we don't or rely on what someone else does that that too is from that that too is from Hashem so that is one email I printed a few others and they're sitting in the printer in my office right now because I forgot to bring them but the laptop in front of me so I could read them to you from here so so here is another one wrote you a couple months ago about my anger towards God for creating a very frustrating and seemingly unfair parnasa experience for me I felt validated I was allowed to tell God I was angry at him after my anger and confusion subsided I noticed that something interesting happened now why is this person saying that I felt validated because again we've discussed previously none of these ideas are my own we have much precedent for it but the idea that not only is being frustrated or kiilu angry at Hashem not a breakdown or failure in a Muna in some ways it is a very high and lofty expression and manifestation of amuna because you're not disappointed or frustrated or angry in people or things you don't believe in you don't get angry at a figment of your imagination you don't get angry at your make-believe made up friend you don't get angry at the doll sitting in the corner of the room you don't get any you do when you stub your toe on it in the middle of the night but you're more angry at whoever left it there than at the doll itself but you don't get angry at when you're disappointed or frustrated why because you say avinush you're my father a father doesn't sit by and let somebody get hurt a father doesn't passively be a spectator to the pain of a child when they could intervene and intercede so where are you and why are you letting this happen and why are you allowing me to go through this pain where are you I'm frustrated I'm upset I'm disappointed I'm hurt where are you now that where are you and those feelings are not in fact as I said a breakdown of their Muna they are in many ways an incredible sophisticated profound expression of that emuna and if you'll say Goldberg were you getting such computer ideas from where are you spewing such heresy did avrah mavina when he heard when Hashem says can I keep from Abram when I'm about to do the stone I have to tell him so he tells them does aphram say well you're Hashem I guess you know what's best I guess you know what's right so go for it good luck no what does avram do he says whoa whoa whoa whoa that doesn't seem righteous to me that doesn't seem fair to me I don't accept that I'm in a protest I'm going to object I'm going to push back there are 50 righteous people 45 40 all the way down to 10. I'm from Aveeno battles with God he fights back with Hashem so did avram have a breakdown of the Moon in that moment is the Paradigm of emuna he is the Father the avham avram avinu is the father of our people the father of monotheistic religion ethical monotheism he's the Paradigm the Paragon of emuna because the Muna doesn't mean that you passively simply accept who sometimes does and he says no push back no give me a counter offer no what do you think it doesn't mean he's going to Pivot to do it our way but it means sometimes he's doing what he does because he's trying to call our attention because he wants us to wake up because he wants to engage us in a conversation and in a relationship because he wants us to respond from avina do you need a greater precedent than that well if you do you have Moshe rabenu when Moshe albino is frustrated with all the challenge and pain and crises and hurt that he sees among the people he loves his flock that he dedicates devotes his whole life to and cares about and he says to Hashem what's with all the pain hariosa the word harios is why all these bad things for good people I can't take it Hashem show me your face show me your face show me help me understand why let me understand your reasons explain to me why bad things happen to good people why good things happen to bad people give me a glimpse give me a look give me an Insight is there a greater Insider than me says Moshe Rabino has anyone entered more than I have if you really trust me then trust me and let me look through your glasses let me see the world through your eyes let me understand your Matrix your calculations and what does Hashem say them you can see the back of my head but you can't see my face you can understand after the fact you could try to put the pieces together in retrospect but you cannot prospectively interpret and understand life as it's happening it just doesn't work that way I think we must have quoted but the example has been given countless times of the um magnificent tapestry that when you look on the threads on the back they just look like loose threads randomly sewn doesn't come together any picture it's ugly it's messy and when you turn it around you see a perfect picture on the other side so after the fact we get to see the perfect picture on the other side sometimes in this world you didn't get that job Hashem you got a much better job it fell through with that person you desperately wanted to marry Baruch Hashem would have ended in misery sometimes in this world we see that when the door closed we spoke about it you just spoke about it special I don't remember what Pasha went up to what did we read Pinnacles no we read which is coming week Belk yeah there's Pet Shops we read sometimes what feels like a Satan is sometimes who put something in the road and he's blocking our road there's an obstacle we say where are you why don't you love me and you've abandoned me I really want to go there that's the destination I want to be that's the community I want to live that's the house I'm trying to buy that's the job I'm trying to get that's the girl I want to marry where are you what's with the obstacles why are you blocking the path it feels like the Satan it feels like the Satan is blocking Us in the translation Hashem says you think I'm blocking your path I sent an angel of compassion I'm rerouting you I'm redirecting you I don't want you to sit in traffic and I want you to fall into the pothole I don't want you to have a collision with another car I'm rerouting you for your own good it feels like there's something in the moment but trust me it's a Malachi bilim doesn't feel it and he hits the donkey three times and then he says because I didn't know we quoted the svarna says which is it is it a sin was it a mistake or loyadati or did he not see the angel which is it and this foreign the angel was invisible it's not billab's fault he didn't see what was blocking the way but he should have known that something extraordinary happening here there's a donkey that's talking there's a talking animal animals don't talk but he doesn't reacts he doesn't react and fall off the animal and say whoa this is crazy what's happening there must be a message from above is coming he gets into a ridiculous dialogue and debate with the Donkey it's absurd it's absurd because when we are so set on what we want and we've knocked Hashem out of the equation when we're so determined to be able to get to the destination and the journey the way we planned it that we take Hashem out of the GPS then we'll end up talking to a donkey acting ridiculous because our determination is clouding our vision and our judgment the grass says the words Hashem appeared ten times in the sukum because 10 times Hashem hi I'm here I'm rerouting you I'm redirecting you blocking this way because I want you to go that way for you I've closed this door because we're opening that door for you and ten times billum says I can't hear you I can't hear you I can't hear you this is where I want to go I don't want to hear it and in our lives it feels like he's sometimes closing a door someone else bid on the house higher they got the house that we thought was the perfect house for us the person didn't want to continue dating us or didn't agree for the shiruch to even go out with us but on paper we thought this was going to be the one that job they passed us up for somebody else where things don't happen in the timeline that we want the satano it feels like this is compassionately compassionately taking care of us but in those moments that it feels painful it's okay to say Hashem I trust you we're going to get to this more in a moment but I trust you I'm along for your ride and part of your plan I want to do it your way but I got to tell you this stinks painful it's frustrating it's miserable it's uncomfortable it's inconvenient you're not supposed to be Whistling Dixie sitting in the hospital room or waiting for the biopsy results or being unemployed waiting to get the job or trying to hopefully find that off that companionship for the rest of your life you're not supposed to and Muna doesn't mean you're Smiley and you're happy and you're whistling and you're skipping your step because oh it's all from Hashem he's rerouting me this is amazing it's okay in those moments to say I got it I'm with you I'm along for the ride but it hurts it hurts and where are you and why why this way I'll go on the other route but what was wrong with the original plan why why anyway all that back to the email so the person says I felt validated I was allowed in quotation marks to tell Hashem I was angry at him after my anger and confusion subsided I noticed something interesting happened I began to say things to God like God you made this terrible situation happen now give me the clarity how I can make the most of it how I can fix it completely I need in capital letters you to fix this by sending me clarity so interestingly the author of this email I think very brilliantly and I'm so grateful to her for it says in fact when you pivot and allow yourself to be frustrated or angry at Hashem now instead of pretending you're not angry at Hashem just not being close to Hashem you could use that to get closer how by say Hashem this stinks and it's painful it's uncomfortable it's inconvenient and I don't like it and it's unfair but I understand this from you I got it but the same way it's from you the solutions from you so new let's let's get on it what's the solution give me the clarity help me understand what to do next help me have that breakthrough let me let's pray on it I told you let's pray on it the Starbucks woman let's pray on it let's pray on it I went we didn't have share last week because I went to Tennessee for three days with one of my daughters we went just to find Hashem in nature and go hiking and experience the world and it was very beautiful we also found Hashem on the way there and on the way back with a four hour delay on the way there on a seven hour delay on the way back muscle kicked in and you know it was great because on the way there there's another prominent Rabbi from South Florida not another that I am but a prominent Rabbi from South Florida who was in the airport online and he said are you going or coming I said I'm leaving we're delayed it's fine he said I am also the difference is he was on a one o'clock flight that was pushed to 6 p.m which meant he would miss the wedding he was going for that night so he was canceling his flight so I said to myself I'm whenever time I get there I get there I'm not missing a wedding I'm not missing a SIM card I'm not missing uh it's all good it's all from Hashem it's all amazing but anyway I was paying for the parking at a park that we're gonna go on a hike in and what seemed like a teenage girl that was taking my money at the end said have a blessed day I love that expression yeah yeah so thank you so much you too have a blessed day a lot of a great day have a good day have a blessed day just felt like such a different expression have a blessed day but anyway so whatever the Hashem I accept that this is from you the flight delay the Satan is blocking my path towards whatever goal or destination I'm trying to make my way towards significant or insignificant consequential or inconsequential I trust that I believe it's from you good but now I also rely on you to figure a way out so Hashem give me the clarity help me know what to do next send the messenger or the malach who's going to unblock the path you close this door show me the open door you block this direction open another Direction I need you to fix this back to the email I actually had this whole conversation with god while I was unloading my dis dishwasher shop this morning cleaning up my house for arsuda and I thought about how you always mention the importance of talking to God even when you're engaged in the mundane not just reserving our thrill of time for the standard fixed dominating time from the sitter so I poured out my heart's Hashem while I was engaged in this task and something Divine happened I actually received tremendous Clarity from God and I felt I had a way to handle the situation as best as possible the next week I went back to my boss and explained to him that I was willing to do something that I previously not wanted to do but I'd really like as much as my salary to be restored if possible an amazing thing happened my boss actually said I'll give me back my entire salary I actually was so stunned at the turn of events that never would have happened if I hadn't received the clarity from Hashem that I needed to make a minor sacrifice well I'm still not well I'm still compromising by doing something I thought I didn't want to do it was so obvious to me that this compromise was something that Hashem wanted from me what's amazing to me about the story is that had I turned away from Hashem when I was angry I wouldn't have stayed close enough to feel like I began demanding from him to send me the clarity I needed the anger I expressed Hashem kept the lines of communication open without the open lines I never would have felt it was appropriate to ask Hashem for clarity thank you for enabling experience blah blah blah blah my faith allowed me to see hashem's hand in a very obvious way and see how he helped me through my struggle to come out on the other side with my personal restored and more importantly with my connection to God stronger than before basically I don't give the immunosheer I just read the emails of the people who give the amunisher because this email is a share this email is a living sheer because it's a living example not just conceptual or theoretical and what this author of the email is saying is had my anger made me turn away I'm not daviding I'm not saying to Helen I'm not baking kala I'm not doing the things I'm not doing the things that I used to do that made me feel the connection to action because I'm angry he ruined my paranas I hear me in this way that way the other way I'm done I'm out then Not only would have you lost the relationship with Hashem but would have lost the ability through the relationship with Hashem to ask for and to find the clarity for how to navigate the very circumstance that's pushing her away from Hashem so the answer in the antidote is not don't ever feel angry or frustrated or uncomfortable or wish it were different it's okay we're validating validating validating we're a group founding one another it's okay to feel those things but don't use those things as the excuse as the cop-out to walk away or at a distance use them as the propeller to lean in Hashem frustrated I'm annoyed I can't believe you did this but you could also get me out of this so now give me the clarity where do I go what do I do next who are you sending my way what's the next step how are we fixing this how are we fixing this there are things that can't be undone there are losses and tragedies in pain that cannot be undone World dominating today for the family of the soldier was killed yesterday in Janine in the uh the funeral that's taking place right now it's beautiful you see the pictures of these young victims of terrorist soldiers pure sweet good well you could see it all just from a picture that pain somebody left his family just to go fight for the Jewish people and didn't come home some things can't be on undone some things can't be fixed but we can ask Hashem for the strength to nonetheless find our way through them how to not move on but how to move forward and to ask Hashem for that strength to figure out how to do that you took away someone I love or you created a situation that can't be undone that's so hurtful but the same way that pain was introduced you can give me the strength you can give me the perseverance you can give me the will you can give me the comfort you can give me the next what do I do next that's going to help me find meaning for what I'm going through so this email is a massage thank you if you're watching for sending it this email is a musashmus to not not not get angry I remember we read the story of revolba reflector was on the way home from the chevical and he said this Rasha Shiva who during Shiva everything's from Hashem and I'm happy and I'm just grateful for the time I had my wife he said no no he's gonna he's gonna collapse he's gonna collapse we can't hold ourselves to a standard that's not only not realistic it's not expected of us it's not righteous there's nothing wrong and there's a long list I can give you that well beyond throughout our history our precedent for being disappointed and hurt and finding our way to navigate none the less so that was the second email I'm going to share foreign get back into a text I want to share with you a third email because these emails stimulate discussions they are the shear of emuna and this one is a tough one this one's a tough one I'd love to hear your your impact your input your Insight on it we'll skip the part blah blah blah I've listened to many of you in general many of the living with the moon at specifically I'm reaching out because lately I've been struggling deeply with myamuna and hoping you have some advice or perspective it's been most recently related to dating but it's relevant to how I relate to Hashem all around and here's the context I'm not going to read the whole background and the specific details but here's the the question in most of the relationships this is in dating I have been in I was the one to call it off that's a lot of responsibility how can I say was hashem's plan that the relationship didn't work out when I'm the one who chose to end it I try so hard to make the best decisions that I can one decision at a time from saying yes or no to a suggestion to go on another date or to ending things I try so hard to make my bahriracha seriously put an effort do whatever I can in a given situation to make it work or navigate it properly and I take full ownership from my decisions but when I reflect back on my relationships when I'm down and struggling with dating I want to give up control and trust that Hashem is running the world and my world with a plan but it's hard to do so when I seem to have so much control over what happens I decided this relationship should end I decided to walk away that feeling of responsibility feels like it's holding me back from trusting Hashem and then gives a specific example of having ended a particular relationship in was that me or was that Hashem do we look back and say Hashem got me here to this place or no this is a result of my initiative and my bahira and therefore don't blame Hashem or don't a tribute to Hashem when it's really a result of of me so this is not the first time I've been in a relationship like this I feel like the person from that story when there's a man drowning in a flood in a boat helicopter all come to save him but he says he's waiting for Hashem to save him and only the end does he realize Hashem was saving him by sending those Messengers the whole time in my life are these amazing guys helicopters from Hashem and my decisions to reject and cause me to block causing me to look back when I'm older and say silly so-and-so Hashem sent you so many great people and you passed up and you found excuses to end each one of them so do you look back and say it was all from Hashem and that's why I'm here or it was all me and my decisions and my responsibility and my bahira and that's why I'm here there are certain things in life where it's easy to make the distinction between what I'm responsible for and what I'm not right when the fight's delayed it's easy to say this has nothing to do with me what about when you miss your flight when you miss your flight do you say well it wasn't meant to be from Hashem that I'd be on that plane Enrique Wilson now we're on a Rivera saved the his safe the life the greatest save of his career so when do you when you miss the flight do you say it wasn't meant to be from Hashem for me to be on that flight I'm not going to game by another shape I'm not going to get frustrated I'm not going to get upset it wasn't meant to be I'll figure it out and what do you say hey yuts you you didn't wake up in time you kept getting delayed you always assume you have enough time to get there you were running late it's all on you it's on you you missed the flight take responsibility when do you say which when do you say which let's take illness for example the author writes illness could be brought on someone's decisions in this world let's say somebody smoked for 60 years and got lung cancer did they say the lung cancer is from Hashem or they say what made you think that you could smoke for 60 years and not get lung cancer most people have not made a decision that led to that illness most people just get it out of the blue so when someone gets sick it's easier to put my hands up and say this is part of hashem's plan I'm upset I don't understand but I know it's Hashem running the world but dating is all about everything about dating is should I say yeah should I say no should we go out should we continue are we ready to get engaged not get engaged everything about it is I mean you could ask for signs and you could find some woman at Starbucks to hold hands with and pray on it but in the end of the day it's all about the decisions you make so it's hard to separate out those thoughts so you look at the results and where you are and say this is where Hashem wants me to be or do you say this is my bahira my initiative and this is how I got here so don't blame it on Hashem this is about my responsibility wow that's a tough one right it's a tough one any thoughts typically um but at the same time there has to be his topless so there's a balance between establish and and everything is from Hashem we have to do initiative that's for sure Jewish people stood opposite to see the Egyptians were in Pursuit and what did they do what we're told to do which is Daven and what does Hashem say what are you doing close your tail and close your sitter you think the flight's gonna wait for you when you're going to leave 15 minutes before the plane's supposed to leave what are you doing you're gonna sit at home and say to Hellem instead of driving to the airport and make your flight what are you doing close your sitter close your to him start acting start taking initiative do something so we learn from there you have to take initiative initiative is a form of we dive in with our feet we dive in with our hands we show us how more partnering with him by doing what we need to do by taking our initiative by doing our part so on the one end we have to take initiative we have to take initiative we have to do our part we have to do our part on the other hand we've been taught you got to have a Muna you can't do excessive initiative excessive initiative is to knock Hashem out of the equation I'm going to work 23 out of 24 hours a day Hashem wants you to make a parnasa you can make it by working a reasonable amount you can neglect your health your spiritual your emotional health your family your life you can't have excessive initiative either excessive initiative is a lack of a Muna it's all about the scales and the balance the right of initiative how do you find that so it's very interesting it's very interesting when it comes to the area of in particular and this is not a shiran it says but when it comes to here in general tell us that what is Hashem doing since he created the world he's been occupied and preoccupied with since creation he is the ultimate and this is what he's doing and therefore the film The Golden writes famously is it and the moons in our generation that we are excessively involved in the one area of life that we should be less involved and leave it more up to Hashem we are excessively and overly involved and don't leave it enough up to Hashem other areas of life where we should get more involved we are too little involved and we leave it too much up to Hashem when it comes to parnassa when it comes to taking care of ourselves you say I believe in Hashem Hashem is amazing Hashem will provide hey buddy get to work hey buddy get off the couch and go for a walk and take care of yourself because yes Hashem is part of the equation but he wants to take initiative and he bemoans and he says the areas that we should take more initiative and must be talking we have too much too little initiative and the area we should have more be talking to a little initiative we take too much initiative and have too little bit so on the one end this is an area of tremendous on the other there is enormous enormous that we have to express that we have to express so how do we balance between the two so I think there are a couple approaches that we could have and I give the disclaimer that this is very difficult and very complicated I don't claim to have all the answers and there's not one way of looking at it but with that said I would suggest the following I believe not as a cop-out I think I told the story in living with amuna but we've been doing this for many years so if I forgot surely many of you have as well but there was a summer that I was very into originally first started working on this journey of learning more about him putting into practice so some of my family was married to Israel and I read the book living I read the book Gordon of amuna Roush and I decided to go visit him I had some questions packed into the car that we had rented that summer that didn't fit our kids but we put them in anyway and we made our way to go serious now the problem is that we were very low on gas and we were very late to this meeting so she was saying you gotta get gas we're going to run out of gas and we're going to be on the side of a road in a bad neighborhood on the way in a heatwave you gotta get gas to which I said Hashem will get us there she's red living with emuna living with the garden of amuna like what are you talking about we're going to meet the author the mahaber of the garden of amuna Hashem will get us there don't worry that little line even though it's past that red little line it's okay because Hashem could make that gas last one mile they can make it last A Thousand Miles so hashem's gonna get us there so we're gonna keep driving that was really really really good for themuna really really really not good for showing bias but anyway we got there with enough gas but in our discussion you haven't thought that she would ask Rochelle marush this question if we ran out of gas and we were on the side of the road and we were late or missed the meeting altogether and our kids were fetching or we're in danger because it was a busy highway and there was a heat wave and there was no one coming to bail us out or help us was that hashem's will that we would be going through it or she asked for confirmation that her husband was a but when Hashem designed the gas tank that tells you when you're about to run out of gas chose to ignore it and keep driving nonetheless that was her question she's a much better person than I am so she did not ask it that way maybe that's just how I interpreted it and heard it but ravarus don't you agree my husband is a and you have to get gas to not run out of gas you cannot blame Hashem for when you run out of gas answered not so simple this is a very deep breath of sort of an extreme approach to the issue of emuna an initiative he answered the following he said again I'm paraphrasing he didn't say it this way but he said essentially your husband was acting like a but why would a otherwise rational normal intelligent person act like a it must be for whatever reason Hashem in that moment put in his head to decide something so foolish and moronic so that when you're on the side of the road you look at yourself and say you know I acted like a and I need to learn a lesson I need to take responsibility I should have gotten gas and next time I'm gonna listen to my wife and next time I don't have to wait people don't know that you don't have to wait until the light comes on to get gas you're allowed to get gas when you're at like half a tank a quarter of a tank a third of a tank you're allowed people don't know that they think you have to wait until you're scrambling and sweating and wazing where's the closest gas station they don't know you're allowed to so in case you didn't know you're allowed to get gas even before it's on empty so so yeah you have to take responsibility and ownership and you have to learn a lesson from it and pledge and promise going forward you're going to improve with it but in that moment part of your processing what happened is to say I don't know why I acted so foolishly I don't know why I was so moronic but I I think that it must be from Hashem that I acted this way even while I take responsibility and even while I will learn from it going forward Hashem is part of that equation show is part of that conversation Hashem is part of that result and part of that experience that we went through that was his answer that was his answer may not be fully satisfying and it's not the one authoritative approach there are different approaches but that was his answer to that to that question his answer to me on the general question of how to reconcile initiative was he said meet basar is kosher khala of milk it's kosher when you mix them it's not kosher so learn about and work on initiative and learn about and work on but don't try to mix the two because when you do you get boss now again not fully satisfying to a certain degree he was saying don't think about it which is not the Jewish way we think about it we ask questions about it we're not afraid to try to tackle it and confront it and explore it to a certain degree he was saying don't think about it or maybe what he was saying is don't feel entitled to have an answer with it because you won't find it these are difficult complicated so we'll explore it more going forward but I'll just end today by saying to the author of that email I think that you can't you can't blame Hashem we have to take responsibility because we are the ones making the decision in each moment you say yes say no go out continue don't continue lean in or pull out of the relationship we're making the decision so ultimately it's up to us but I think that part of making that decision is trying to have a conversation with Hashem that says why am I making the decisions that I'm making and helping make the decisions that will get me through the door that you're opening down the path that you've paved for me help me have a Clarity a vision of what the right thing is for me and help me explore what might be blocking me from walking down the road that you have opened up because I believe and I don't want to be too descriptive but I have a good friend who doesn't live here I have a good friend who got married later in life in his early 40s Everything's Relative I don't mean to uh stigmatize but relatively later and he will tell you and he went out with many many girls many of great girls had many great relationships and many of them could have gone great places and for whatever reason always ended it couldn't break through couldn't make the commitment and it was only at a point of his life when he was ready to tackle why that he got the support and had the conversation with the trained people who could help him understand why was he struggling with commitment and there were very real reasons in his life a woman in his life we love very much died very suddenly out of nowhere and he lost and he created tremendous trauma and and it was it was not fully explored and that feeling was subconsciously blocking his ability to ever become fully vulnerable to someone else who could disappear on him again and cause that pain again and when he was willing to go through that experience of exploring and working on and tackling that original trauma and pain and how it was manifesting itself now we got married is a beautiful family is a beautiful very inspiring person so that means to say that part of in each moment exploring why am I saying yes why am I I have to take responsibility it's on me a lie I'm the one saying yes they're saying no I'm the one continuing it or ending it it's on me but Hashem help me help me understand help me have Clarity help me explore help me heal help me see the path that you're Paving help me understand why you're not blocking it maybe I'm putting impediments I'm putting obstacles maybe I'm blocking it help me pave that path and bulldoze that way that way forward so I don't know if we can truly reconcile an answer you know is it Hashem or is it you it's both first of all you can apply rabarusha's answer who's the one who put in your head to keep saying no or keep saying yes or keep doing it it's Hashem so look at where you are don't beat yourself up realize Hashem you got you here and now just figure out what's next and what's forward but I guess that's my my takeaway and what I'm trying to communicate is I don't know that demand that we do an evaluation in retrospect to unpack and understand how we got here I think what we need to do is know this is where I am and what do I do next are all about what's next I don't know that we're ever going to get clarity on the answers of how we got here and I don't know that I'll make a difference what's it going to solve but I think what we need to do is figure out okay but now you're here so what's next how are you going to position yourself so that you're dating is best going forward that you're clear in what you're looking for and what you want and whether you did the right thing or wrong thing by continuing by ending and so on are you doing what you need to do now for what's next rather than spend your energy and time and emotions and trying to interpret and understand how you got here what's next and that's talking to Hashem and davening and asking for the clarity and the confidence in making those next decisions starving to Hashem and asking for the healing and working through whatever might be going on subconsciously that's keeping you from getting on the helicopter or taking the Rope or accepting the different rescue options that he's sending so I think it's not about interpreting what happened or how you got here but it's figuring out where you go and and what's next and we didn't fully tackle it we'll continue this conversation with emuna it's an usual week we didn't get into the text whatsoever but the emails themselves were the amunisher so grateful keep them coming we have more emails to share in the coming weeks we uh tonight are going behind the Beamer with Natan sharansky a person who lives with greater moon in order to endure what he did the lessons of the Soviet jury movement for modern anti-Semitism today and many other conversations that's tonight and until next time stay happy stay healthy and stay holy