Living With Emunah (Part 250) - Why Did This Holocaust Survivor Still Believe in God?

good morning everyone welcome back to living with emuna so we're going to be together I want to begin by thanking our generous sponsors as always first of all the sponsors of the series for the year Dr Xavier Morgan a member of Dr Brian galbot and a member of Bella's mother Dr Ellen shanza we remain very grateful to this morning sponsored by Carol Wald where's Carol thank you Carol in memory of her beloved father Benjamin Ben Daniel also was sponsored by the Brody family Rabbi Joshua Simone Brody today Israel Brody's father's year atarama Brody Usher Yosef Ben Benjamin who's in the shama and Aliyah as well today's sheer is dedicated in honor of my beautiful daughter Tamar today is her 18th birthday she gives us a lot of knockers and she thinks we don't care about her birthday so today is in honor of her birthday today is an honor of her birthday and we'll find out if she ever so everyone should call or text her Tamar should I say her phone number Tamara Goldberg I'll be in big trouble but we love her she's amazing she packs a punch into a little uh into that little person okay we've been learning all about and we're trying to finish this topic so that we can move on how to find Hashem be made not only God bless how to connect to Hashem not only when all is going well and smooth and happy and high how to connect to Hashem when we feel far and distance when we've Fallen how to go back to our bat analogy not baseball bat the animal the bird is that a bird a bat but the bat that it's a map sorry it's a mammal but the bat that sleeps upside down the idea of that we take the momentum of falling and we turn it into flight we turn it into lift I gotta share a story I always love the ammonia stories please keep them coming so that I can share them with everybody this I'm going to share a story shared with me that says the following I left my knapsack with a lot of money in my whole wallet and Uber I was freaking out his language not mine no nothing was happening they weren't calling me back for 20 minutes I said the prayer for a lost object and so and so heard me say amen and that second they called they found it they were returning it so have a moon I have faith in Hashem and in Uber drivers and hopefully you get all of your things back so we've been learning about how do you find that Hashem last week we spoke description very powerful just like in a human relationship when there's a breach when there's a break if there is a divide that is sometimes when we can break through sometimes that is when we can actually get to the highest level sometimes it's when we feel we've Fallen that we say I've had enough you can fall and you can continue to spiral or you can fall and you can hit a spring that makes you have a bounce that brings you higher to where you were before so if we embrace the make Katniss if we embrace the challenging times and the distant times and we Embrace that fall and we allow it to be a springboard for growth that in fact the we can find ourselves in a higher and a healthier and a better place than we even were beforehand 167. we're trying to reveal Hashem even within the hiddenness when Hashem is revealed it's easy to find him you know it's an amazing thing to me having to go to the hospital last few days we dive and everyone should have here for schlemma so it's an amazing it's the same building and it's the same campus and it's the same white coat and it's the same hospital where in one word there are babies being born the greatest moment in people's lives the most joyous moment in people's lives a revelation of hashem's guiding hand a miracle every healthy baby that's born and down the hall in the same building there are people sitting next to a bedside and they're hoping and holding on sometimes Against All Odds same building same nurses same medicines same computer system same you know that's I talk about that in the context of not all to feel is the same we've learned we finished we did an entire series on Sharon bitfila ravpinkus is wonderful magnum opus charm bitfila the yakut shimoni quotes 13 synonyms for prayer Rina beats or Saka zaka there's 13 synonyms for prayer why because not all prayers are the same think about that hospital the prayer at the bedside of the person who's terminally ill is unbelievably different from the prayer at the bedside of the woman who's in active labor and about to give birth please God to a healthy baby there are two totally different prayers two totally different prayers so we just use that generic word Fila or prayer but if we do a disservice when we do that because there isn't just one Fila there's Philo when we feel close this feeling when we feel far this feel when we have hope in this feeling from hopelessness this feeling of joy and gratitude and thank you this is Fila of where are you it's not all the same it's not all the same at all so we have moments of Godless we have moments of feeling connected and happy and healthy and hi Hashem you're everywhere and I feel your presence and you're amazing and isn't he amazing Hashem is the greatest now we have moments of a Hester of Hashem where are you and why are you doing this and why would you allow this and why are you experiencing this tonight are participating in an Ohio webinar on pregnancy loss I'm not going to believe the point now those who want to tune in Ken but 21 years ago we had a stillbirth of a little baby boy that's a whole story and we're sharing it we've never done this before only to hopefully provide strength and physic to others and comfort and maybe some some take away you know practical ideas so I was talking to someone recently who's experienced terrible pregnancy loss terrible disappointment terrible pain he said to me you know the couple we're not the same people that when we got married having been through this disappointment pain hurt waiting longing wanting it's changed us we're not the same people we're not the same people that we were where's Hashem and why would he do this and why go through that why go through that pain and why I have to wait and not be realized so there are moments of Hester there are moments of Hester of hiddenness and even when we feel like where is he and what is he and is he he still exists you could still be found he can be found sometimes it can be found those moments I will share tonight we haven't even planned or coordinated yet but I remember from 21 years ago that one of the things that you have had said over and over during that terrible time and challenging time was I don't know how people do this if they don't believe in God if you believe it's for a reason I don't understand it I don't welcome it I don't want it and it's unbearably painful but it's for a reason there's someone in charge there is something we'll one day discover then you can find the resilience but to think that you're just a victim of Randomness a chance and the universe is just cruel and you're the Unlucky lottery winner of illness or disease or infertility I don't know how you get out of bed I don't know how you wake up in the morning so sometimes it's from that place of hiddenness it's from that place of terrible pain it's from that place of almost desperate despair that's sometimes dafka where you can find him that's where you can find him when you lean in when you reveal him when you latch on to him sometimes that's where you can find him the best when everything's hunky-dory and going well and everyone's healthy and seems good and the biggest problem in your life is that the Wi-Fi is down so then then sometimes you're not really connected to him you may think you are because all is well and good but when you sit outside that surgical five-hour surgery and the whole family's pouring over to hillem and they're just waiting for any sign doctor nurse someone come out someone say something someone tell us how it's going Hashem guide that doctor's hand Hashem so delicate so detailed this is the surgery every millimeter matters and counts and you're sitting there pouring over that tehilum it's in that moment when you say how are we here and how do we get here as a young person in that surgery and where were you but you know what we'll talk about that later for now I need you for now I can't afford to be angry at you or protesting you because for now you're in that operating room and I need you and I need you so sometimes it's in those moments happening when you feel I'm gluing I'm attaching myself to you I don't know any other way out I don't know any other solution I don't know any other future so I have no choice but to Vegas I'm gluing I'm attaching myself to you I'm sticking with you I'm sticking with you okay Miss barisha in London we have no existence on our own there is no independent entity we're all we're an illusion we're a figment of hashem's imagination we are we are a muscle the yes you know a parent never abandons the child not even for a moment the parent can be on vacation the other side of the world and the whole reason they went on vacation is to get away from those kids and still Wild on their vacation struggling to be away from those kids all they're thinking about at least the mother is those kids should we check in on them do you think they're doing okay we haven't heard from them in seven seconds is everything all right is everything all right at least the mother the father's like yeah who what where when what but at least the mother feels that so you could be far away and the whole purpose is to take a break and get away and yet your whole identity is so intertwined your whole identity is so much about the well-being the safety the security the happiness of your children so we have a father his name is Hashem is Barak and it's impossible you're not in that waiting room and he's on the golf course you're not you're not sitting at home sad or struggling and he's playing Mahjong or sipping pina coladas wherever he is and whatever he's doing we are always on his mind keviajo we are him we don't even exist outside of him but we are always on his mind so even when it feels like where is he and why why am I going through this sometimes in those moments we can lean in and find him the clearest and the most well we realize we don't have an independent existence there is no anything going on but him he can't abandon us not even for a second even when it appears that he's hidden from US Navy it's not possible so from the semuna that is found even when we can't see him that's the amuna now amuna I'll give you a little spoiler alert we rarely do this almost never do this but I have this webinar tonight with oh well so the interview the conversation with our behind the beam a guest was yesterday it was recorded I'll be streaming and posted today spoiler sorry don't come behind Vigilant conflict so I'll give you a little a little Force Base a little appetizer to this conversation with David sacks David sacks is an Emmy award-winning Golden Globe winning writer for famous Hollywood shows also what you've heard of but I'm not going to repeat because I don't want to distract you ignore my endorsing the particular shows but he's an amazing person he's a person who's about juva and he talks about in this conversation how he became about chuva and reconciled that with being smashing success in Hollywood and balances all those values and in the world today and what he had to almost give up of a career and chose Shabbos nonetheless really an outstanding person he also is a co-founder of the Happy minion with Stewie wax he also is a person who teaches five shiram a week loves and shares incredible insights in this conversation it's really well worth listening to you don't have to tune in live you can't be both places at once Hashem for technology you could listen to both whenever you want so one of the things he talks about such a powerful image so happy he shared it he spoke about the fact that people like to talk about do you have a Muna I have a Muna do you have a Muna and a moon is not something that you have it's not something that you have it's not a couch you have a couch you have a car you had lunch they don't have a Muna amuna is an ongoing experience a moon is something that you work on a moon is something that you practice and the fact that I had amuna yesterday has nothing to do with today you had lunch yesterday okay do you need to eat today tomorrow that's okay I don't need I had lunch last week I've never heard anyone ever say I don't eat lunch I'm good I had lunch last month I had lunch last week I had lunch yesterday people after lunch say I'm ready for lunch you have to have a Muna and moon is not something that you acquire or you possess or that you have it's not part of your permanent collection it's not something that you could set on the side because now you own it it's in your repertoire amuna is an ongoing experience it's an ongoing practice amuna is a muscle that we work out as soon as the air that we breathe no any more than you can say to your children or your spouse I have love for you I loved you yesterday I loved you yesterday and I have love you have love I don't want you to have love I want you to to love me love is a verb not an adjective I want you to love me I don't want you to have love I want you to love I don't want you to have loved I don't want you to have loved me yesterday I want you to love so a moon is not something we have and the Moon is not something we feel in the past and Muna is an everyday experience and everyday exercise it is an ongoing effort and an ongoing sometimes struggle an ongoing experience with Hashem amuna that is amuna that is racist and I want to get back to still Mr judovitz I left you off with a teaser with the Cliffhanger last week about his five thoughts on why he still believes in God even after he lost everyone and everything in the Holocaust but first back to riverchameyer Lamas in this place when we feel that place of sadness despair when we're in the surgical waiting room when things are not going our way when there's another month with a disappointment and not realizing that child like Rachael emmanu says in this week's Parsha am I in give me a child of not I'm dead I'm dead that pain that pain with oven for all who are trying to have children Hashem they should realize all their dreams and get tremendous gracious love and shall I can't see Surah says that Katniss even a place of smallness even a place of hiddenness even that place of Brokenness even that place of of failure even that face some place of unfaithfulness even that place of disappointment in ourselves is also a place of Revelation that Hashem could be revealed his success it can only be transformed into something positive it can be only be the fall that gives you flight if what if you have mindfulness and self-awareness above of it if you sit and you think about where am I and how do I feel and what am I going through and where am I in the relationship and what do I want to do with it but if you say let's binge watch something let's go shopping let's be distracted let's go just distract let's just occupy myself with life so that I don't have to think and I don't have to experience then you will not be able to turn the fall into flight you can't create the momentum into into lift into lift so number one is there has to be an awareness a presence and a mindfulness and in that experience of understanding where am I where am I going who am I what am I feeling what's triggering me what energizes me what depletes me of energy what enhances myamuna and what compromises just those questions and just that self-conversations that self-talk that self-awareness will create a closeness to Hashem that's all number one shame is number two is Hashem I don't I don't understand it I don't like it I don't want it but I'm surrendering to you anyway I'm angry at you I'm protesting to you I'm objecting to you I'm upset at you and disappointed in you I'm in pain from you but every sentence ends with with you as long as it ends with with you there's a connection there's still a high-speed connections I do a lot of unfortunately marriage counseling I'm not a marriage counselor I do a lot of marriage Consulting and then I refer to a marriage counselor I think we have to all stay in our lane and do what we're strong at but add whatever we can but I can tell you that when there are two apathetic indifferent checked out we don't yell we don't scream we don't fight we just have nothing then that marriage is on life support if anything at all but when there's some passion some anger some disappointments some hurt when there's still some some energy being exchanged there's hope there's repair possible there's a lot of repair possible so with our Kurdish Barclay the same as the true when you're apathetic and indifferent and checked out and and then then you're in life support your faith but when you're angry at Hashem when you're talking to him about how angry you are with him when you say where are you and you're hidden from me then there's a lot of hope that is a tremendous expression of Faith because you don't get angry or disappointed in things you don't believe exist so when you're angry and disappointed you are essentially affirming that you believe he's there when you're in conversation with him when you're afraid of him when you feel you disappointed him when you're looking to him for help and strength when you're asking him where are you where were you that is in itself a exercise and an expression an affirmation of Faith sometimes from that place of Katniss is the revelation of Faith it's deep and it's inside us and strong and even though it doesn't have the light and the countenance and the happiness and the joy of our yes but there is a sweetness a inside sweetness of sometimes it's after the most heated fight in a marriage that you have the greatest romance and connection and closeness and love when you've repaired shlish is the third thing the Katniss Miss galleys the the sense of feel of the most heartfelt authentic that sense of feeling that you could have from a place of Katniss can't compare to any other Fila when you think you're high and close and connected and you're davening and it's beautiful and it's wonderful and maybe you've got the biggest skip in your step maybe you're clapping the loudest maybe you're singing the loudest in those moments it pales in comparison to the the profundity and the depth and how authentic the experience of FILA is when you're in a bad place with him when you're real when you're genuine when you peel back that mask and you peel back those layers and you peel back the veneer and you're just real you're Raw when a person's raw with Hashem absolutely real and raw with Hashem that's that's authentic and that's real and that's real okay because that that conversation that's as real as it gets that's as genuine as it gets and I don't want to make I don't want to make you sad but my friend our friend Chaim those raw and real conversations he taught me and he taught us that you could be going through the worst and you could use it as an excuse to cop out for conversations with Hashem a very legitimate excuse to check out or you could take off the gloves and go toe-to-toe and have the most raw and the most real conversation with him and about him and to have the Merit to have been in the presence or participate in such a conversation that's that's to be present for something that is as real as anything in the world I don't even know how to express that I'm not doing a good job putting it into words but it's raw and it's real and it's genuine and it's authentic so when is the Baruch Hashem I heard you won the lottery Hashem I won the lottery everything's amazing yes I'm so lucky that's also real and we should say it and we should feel it and it's real and I don't want to take away from it and we should always it's the only thing we ever say but there's nothing more real than someone taking off the gloves and telling you how they really feel about what he's doing how they really feel about where he's at and where they're at with him that's raw and that's real and that is deep and that is emuna that is Vegas that is Bittle that is bitachham that is genuine me when a person feels I have no choice I have nothing else there is nowhere else and there's nothing else to turn to then a person really feels I'm angry I'm hurt I'm disappointed I wonder where you are but you're all I've got and I'm going to read to you Mr judevitz's words in a moment because that's another expression of this in a very raw and real way even after losing everyone and everything is father I know you're with me even when I can't see you feel you hear you I know you're there Hashem is always by definition he's always found because by definition there is no one and nothing else but him the whole universe is his imagination it is his creation we are all a muscle he is the name show um so when we submit and surrender when we modestly recognize that whatever we think we're independent whatever we think we take pride in really the whole world all of it it's all himself we lean on WE rely on WE defer we submit we surrender entirely to you there is nothing genuine there's nothing authentic there's nothing real there is no truth but you he talks about David Sachs he went back to he went to Harvard he went back to speak at Harvard and he talked about how when he was young he thought this was Ms but it's not truth and then when he came to Harvard he thought this is truth but it's not truth and then he went to Hollywood he thought this is truth but it's not truth and then he found Shabbos he said this is truth and I won't give you the spoil I want you to listen what happened when at Harvard he said this isn't truth what someone in the audience did listen tonight there is no truth there's only one truth there's only one interpretation of the world there's only one approach there is only one I on my own can't do anything it all depends on him he guides the surgeon's hand he's the one who decides what the judge will conclude is the one who determines everything so if I abandon him if I give up on him if I walk away from him and my helping or hurting myself because the reality and the truth is no matter how it makes me feel he is everything he is the world and he decides everything in the world so I can pretend he doesn't but I won't be helping my cause that is our mission that is our goal that is what we're trying to do and so everything we just learned I want to read to you now everything we just learned I want to put it into practice by listening to by reading to you from Mr judovitz many in this room at the Merit to know him and to know him well so these aren't just words you know posthumously for eulogy these are his words he wrote in his lifetime after this is the addendum he has This Magnificent Memoir called Holocaust and rebirth which really summarizes his life he was an ironicle of the deja love if you look at the pictures of you know Mr judovitz it'd be maybe Blown Away see in the back he has pictures from his youth [Applause] this is Mr juvitz under on so if you knew Mr Judith it's it's a little boy on the left that's Mr judovitz who grew up in who grew up in daesh and they're called the dejarov he lost everything his whole life was Holocaust but that was in his whole life some people their whole life is Holocaust that's it that's it Holocaust some people's Judaism is entirely defined by the Holocaust that was true and now with anti-Semitism On The Rise you know they say There's No Business Like Show our business some people say so the Holocaust some people that Judaism is entirely informed like the Holocaust but that was only part of his life that's not his whole life the Holocaust Holocaust and what's the second half Holocaust and rebirth let me read to his words they're much better than mine as a holocaust Survivor I'm often asked the following question do you still believe in God you lost your parents and your entire family and the Holocaust for the soul reason you were Jewish and you knew you're often during enlavement by the Nazis because you were Jewish did that affect your belief in Hashem do you ask yourself why did God allow this to happen here's the answer listen carefully with regards to the question why did God allow this to happen I cannot answer for God that answer can be given only by God himself the hidden things are known only to God with regards to the question how could I still believe in God after I was liberated I was anger I was an angry man it's hard to picture if you knew him he was gentle and sweet and soft angry man you can't even picture it after I was liberated I was an angry man and many years afterwards I was still angry I was depressed and I had many doubts I thought a lot about it I was looking for answers and these are my thoughts to this question thought number one well I was a prisoner in the labor camps I experienced numerous personal Miracles I survived many close calls with death as described earlier in the book there's no question in my mind that it was the hand of Hashem that saved me in all those close calls there were times when I was already very sick and without any strength I thought it was the end I would die there were no doctors no hospitals but there was God who kept me alive that was thought number one I could focus on all that I lost and all the times he wasn't there or I could take stock in my life and say there were countless times I almost died and I saw he's the only reason I'm alive thought number two my parents believed in God and they showed me the way to believe in God they learned it from their parents and grandparents all the way back to avram anyone who denies the existence of God is merely expressing an opinion therefore God forbid if I should Express such an opinion I would be boasting I'm smarter than my parents and I'm smarter than my ancestors expressing such an opinion would be blasphemy and spitting in the faces of my parents it's also a fascinating thought I miss my parents I honor and respect my parents I love my parents I want to dedicate my life to honoring my parents who were murdered by the Nazis would I honor their way of life if I walked away from God if I act like I'm smarter more informed than fascinating if I were telling you this you wouldn't believe me these are his words thought number three is a child of modern parents I considered myself a lucky person and I'm proud that I was born to my wonderful Jewish parents God forbid I had been born to a Nazi murderer would I be proud of my parents would my Offspring be proud of their grandparents or would any decent person be proud of their behavior so thought number three is I want to follow their way of life because I'm so proud to have been born to them and not God forbid I could have been born to the perpetrators thought number four the Holocaust Survivor excludes God from his life because he or she is angry at God for allowing this to happen that person is only adding to his or her losses and loneliness the parents are already murdered the brothers and sisters are gone and now God should be gone too number four let me read that one again if a Survivor excludes God from his life because you're angry at God for allowing it to happen that Survivor is only adding to his or her losses and loneliness the parents are already murdered brothers and sisters are gone now God God should be gone too thought number four that's Katniss from that place of Katniss if you if you deny that he is everything If you deny the actual truth the ultimate truth the only truth you're only adding to your loss and your loneliness you're going to make things worse not better thought number five the final thought after Liberation I was able to come to America Hashem was good to me and blessed me with a good life in this new country Coming to America was in itself a miracle I had no one in America who would send me papers but somehow someone who is a stranger to me at the time sent me papers Hashem was good to me then I got married Hashem bless me with a wonderful and beautiful wife then we are children Hashem bless us with wonderful and healthy children later on Hashem blessed us with beautiful and gifted grandchildren in later years Hashem blessed us with wonderful great grandchildren God has granted me a long life he's blessed me with productive good years God has been good to us all these years for all those blessings I thank Hashem and I believe and trust in him so he's basically saying his life is made up of the two parts the Holocaust and the rebirth should he Define his relationship with Hashem by the Holocaust he chooses to Define it by the rebirth was it a tough life unbelievably tough life unprecedentedly tough life nobody suffered in the history of humanity like survivors suffered what they suffered with but he focused and we're not judging anyone who deals differently he focused not on the Holocaust component but the rebirth component he found he looked in his life and he's has credibility because he's honest and saying that after the Holocaust he was angry he was angry and he was angry at Hashem and he distanced himself from Hashem but after thinking about it he came to these five conclusions he had these five thoughts and when he added them all up he was the Mr Universe that we knew and loved that we learned from who was literally the pillar of our community designed the architect of our of our community so he spent a long time on this now well next week we'll please God start something new andamuna but the notion of Katniss the notion of Katniss that we don't only feel close and connect to Hashem when all is going well when we're feeling happy and high on him we can find them and arguably can find them more authentically in a deeper and a more meaningful and more lasting and more authentic way one word when we feel that we see his back and let his front on this dark not light when we're falling not flying when we feel small not big even in those moments especially in those moments we can find him and the image I leave you with is that image of the bat that even when we feel we're falling because of our own actions mistakes we've made disappointments we've created or because you're disappointed in him the feeling of the flow of him to us take that fall and turn it into flight create lift create lift and amuna and bittaj do what Mr Universe did find the bandwidth to think go for a walk without your phone go on airplane mode and sit and think where am I at where are you at how do I want to feel how do I get there what am I feeling work to find him in life he at the end of it all says again you brought me to America gave me a wife gave me children gave me grandchildren gave me great grandchildren and gave me all in all a pretty good life even after everything lost we could focus on what we have we could focus on What's Missing the choice is ours choice is ours focus on what we have or focus on What's Missing focus on what went right or focus on what went wrong could focus on the car accident or focus on Against All Odds the miraculous survival and please God recovery you could focus in everything in life on the wrong or the right what's missing or what's there the Holocaust or rebirth so to say of life and when we look and we find we'll find Hashem we'll find Hashem everyone can everyone has something to find of Hashem and to connect and to not compound their loss of loneliness by also choosing to lose him don't lose him lean into him lean in lean and stronger lean in deeper and lean in closer lift and fix and repair and Amit Hashem we should all take flight tonight you can either listen to behind the bema or join that webinar or tomorrow or at your own Leisure listen to both whatever you do have a great day stay happy stay healthy and stay holy thank you