Living With Emunah (Part 242) - A Member of the Created

okay good morning booker told welcome back to living with emunah our series is very generously sponsored by dr zavian bella morgan in memory of rabbi dr brian gabbard who's your site third year at site is tomorrow night and friday the eighth of uh ave continue to think about him and learn from him it was a incredible example of living with emunah it's appropriate we're so grateful to the morgans for sponsoring in his memory also in memory of bella's mother dr ellen shanza this morning's cheer is sponsored by uh sarah margulies in memory of her father mayor feign as yourself is the fourth of ave very very grateful to uh sarah for that thank you so very much um just a housekeeping note we will be off for the next few weeks so please pay attention to when we will resume you will know based on the email or the show weekly or if you're in the whatsapp group that announces the sheer and what room it's in and we'll let you know when we resume you could catch up on previous ones that you've missed i think we're at i don't know how many but many so you can review or hazard or take time off and live without a muna for a few weeks just joking shalom god forbid a jew could never live without a munna not for one day we're not for one moment we couldn't get through one day at all so we are in this text beyond the morgenstern not the safer we had been learning has really been proliferating more and more of his books that be published on a regular basis and this you may wonder why is this behind some omer why are we learning that on arab tish above because a chapter that he has on here i think is very relevant to the time of year in which we find ourselves and to a mindset in which many find themselves but before we dive back into where we left off i just want to thank the other day i had a frustrating day frustrating meeting and somebody who listens and participates in her sheer i think she may be watching right now with her daughter sent me an email she was at that meeting and she basically said don't sweat it and then she reminded me rabbi turn the page new page turn the page fresh start modani so i'm very grateful to her for her positivity and her positive feedback and for reminding me that you got to practice what you preach it's easy to talk it's a lot harder to do and barak hashem that's why it's a support group and we do it together i happen to be on the side of the camera sitting up here but really we're all in it together and i think when it comes to all of the irish kai all of torah and mitzvos all of meaningful living but amun in particular it takes it takes a group effort it takes reinforcing and supporting one another it takes reminding one another because it's so easy to forget it's so easy to go back into the mode of thinking we're in charge or we're in control or getting frustrated or disappointed it's so easy to slip into that negative place so to know that we have a spotter you know you go work out in the gym working out the neshama is no different and here of course i'm not speaking from personal experience but i understand that when you work out of the gym if you lift weights often you need a spotter you need that person to make sure you're not going to get crushed by the weight of the level that you're trying to lift you want to make sure that you're doing it correctly that you're not going to injure yourself you want to make sure that you remember to lift and you don't fall asleep while lying on the bench press best uh on the bench press bench so you need a spotter you need a buddy in the gym who's going to help you the spiritual gym of life you need a spotter you need to make sure we won't get crushed by our ambition try to lift more than we can then we have the strength to lift we want to make sure we don't fall asleep on the spiritual bench press bench of life we want to make sure that we have people around us so big gratitude to that person i thank her for always her positivity particularly that reminder and our notebooks are at the printer and please guide will be here soon our modani turn the page thank hashem for a new day notebooks we'll please god be here uh soon okay so back in where we left off we read the introduction just to remind you in case you weren't here we gave it four different names but really all describing the same phenomenon which is at times we're on fire with amuna at times you feel connected and close and plugged in high speed connection with hashem davening flows we can't wait for the next opportunity to talk to him and he's all around us and other times we feel disconnected where is he why is this happening is he even listening what's going on in my life so this is called akhor of kedem our back in our front his back and front panem it's called also ruts of the shove going forward and backwards the ups and downs of life it's called godless vicatness expansion and reduction it's called all these different names all these different names reflect the same phenomenon of that feeling and the first thing we did what we covered last week was simply validating that that's okay and that that's normal we spoke about it from shore's metaphor of a person's ekg you just want to be a flat line you say i just want to be steady eddie i just want the nucleus of nephesh i just want to be able to feel serenity and tranquility i just want to plug into hashem and just stay there with no static and no interruption and no noise but an ekg is flat what does it mean you're dead if you're alive in ekg by definition is ups and downs and on the shama our spirit and our amunah and our bitcoin and our connection to hashem if you flatlined you're dead if you're really alive it means there's ups and downs that's built into the berea that's part of the definition of creation and the way that we know that's richa meyer is the highest the very angels and celestial beings who don't struggle and are born without challenge and to a degree have a sense of perfection they also have this notion of the back and forward the up and down it means it's built into the bria we mentioned you see that in every form of debris every part of life the vegetative world too look at a field and look at plants and vegetation you plant and it blossoms and it grows but then there's a period in which it dies and it lays fallow and that's necessary for the cycle of the field and our life operates in a cycle much like that field there are times that we blossom and we grow and we're sprouting and we're everywhere it's lost pastures and it's covered in different color there are times that it is empty and barren and fallow and dead and seems to be dried out that cycle of the field is our cycle in life rats of ashov it's all the same godless and katniss it's all the same but why why did hashem create the world in that way and why are we in that place right now these three weeks these nine days tish above could you get more empty and barren could you have a further sense a greater sense of katniss and the fact that this mozai shabbas were going to be sitting on the floor crying and grieving over the calamities of history not only the collective national ones but the individual personal ones which also all stem from qurban-based from silica the fact that hashem's divine presence is not felt his divine protection is not immediately over us the result of that are the tragedies that we suffer and that we see we're going to sit on the floor reflecting on our katniss we're going to sit on the floor reflecting on unworthiness how small we are how inconsequential we are we're going to bemoan and we're going to grieve i'll give you a little preview i say it every year at kinos you might say how do i tap into a connect to a loss 2000 years ago you know someone says to you today's the yurt site of your great great great grandmother cry say cry what's her name again cry tell me something about her is anyone named after her that i know i don't know anything about it do we have a picture did she paint anything we have a diary give me something it's very hard to mourn and grieve and cry over something you didn't know someone you didn't know none of us none of us were alive at the base of none of us knew what it was none of us feel it missing so how do you cry so every year i suggest that part of our tears part of the driver the motivation of our tears part of what we're sitting shiva what we're feeling and grieving a loss of is ourselves tisha but we look at that last year and we say wow how much time did i waste how much energy did i waste how many resources did i waste the gross famous insulin did my the grass says you know we say tells us that we should always be acutely aware before whom we are going to have to give a din and a hajj bon din means judgment means an accounting what's the difference between judgment and an accounting you owe the irs you're accounting and if you didn't do it or didn't do it correctly you'll be a judgment but they're the same thing you're judged for the accounting what's the difference between a judgment and an accounting the bill has a magnificent insight he says you know what the difference is one is where you went wrong the other what you could have done right every time we did something wrong there was a moment there was an opportunity there was energy that was used that could have been something right every time we spoke and we said la shanhara we could have been offering a compliment every time we spoke we offered a criticism we could have been making we could have been offering its fila we could have been lifting someone's spirits so therefore there's a dual guilt with each mistake we make what we did wrong which we'll be judged for but also an accounting of what we could have done right in that same time period so in ello we're going to focus roshanim kippur is goddess adam yum kipper and tishbo are two sides of the same coin yom kippur is we wear white we're angelic who needs food who needs leather shoes who needs physical pleasure we're angels for a day walking on earth just a little bit below angels we're a little bit below god we're angelic on yom kippur for 25 hours we live as if we are not grounded here on earth but we live like we are in the heavens like we're angels the greatness possibility potential we live the best of who we could be but tishbo is the opposite sit on the ground you lowly worthless ice bath reject look at how low you've fallen you're not a little less than god you're barely a little above an animal an ant an iguana a lizard so sit among them sit on the floor with the lizards and the iguanas because that's all you are that's all will be is worm food one day look at how much time we waste look at the itsahara we give in to look at how we can't stop fighting and judging and marginalizing and criticizing one another which is the root of it all and why we're not yet in the base of miktash so this is the time of the year where we're filling our cacmus the katniss i feel very small very very small now even a yid can't do that for very long so by khatsus already we stand up and we sit in a chair even a jew can't sit on the floor it's the shiftless adam that lowliness you know we got to get back to our godless we got to get back to our greatness and our potential that we could be so a jew doesn't sit on the floor for very long just half a day bye get up sit in the chair we're on our way back we're on our way back storming back with two above one of the happiest days on our calendar and rolling right into ello with godless of them the greatness of who we could be but that's exactly this rhythm this pattern is that sometimes in order to get to the place of godless you've got to pass through katniss sometimes in order to be ratsa you gotta be shoved sometimes in order to see kedam you gotta go ahor sometimes in order to break out with the best of who we could be to see our potential in our greatness you gotta hit that rock bottom you gotta feel that humility modesty and lowliness you got to be able to find god even when things are going wrong not only when they're going not only when they're going right so why why do you create the world like that why are the ups and downs why can't we flatline even while we're alive why does being alive have to mean ups and downs you get whiplash spiritual and emotional whiplash of life these ups and downs we have these koofas i'm in and i'm out i'm connected i'm disconnected and if we're honest hopefully they're you know they're regulated you don't want i don't know how to read an ekg but in the stock market you don't want enormous swings up and down you want them to be moderated small ups and down and you want them to always trend up so little up and downs but trending up and if we're honest with ourselves that's the truth of all of our relationships in life if we're honest there are moments where our children are the apple of our eye they could do no wrong they're the cutest and sweetest and their shortcomings are adorable idiosyncrasies and we have all the patience and we're just so grateful that they're here we just want to hug them and smother them with kisses and tolerate everything that and there are other times that not so much just leave it at that not so much and you have to remember oh yeah i'm supposed to love them they're my children i have to see the best in them i have to believe in them and there are times even in marriage there's lots of in marriage there's countless and godless there's moments where you just you're you're resentful that there's no better word than love for how you feel it just doesn't capture it i just feel so connected and intertwined and how you look our effort and we're two halves becoming a whole and we're so ah and there are other moments that are we're going to work this through but right now i don't feel so connected it's the nature of every relationship but why why omega in your page thank you nancy oh my gosh the reality is being a member of creation being a part of the nivra party what is a nivra created among those who are created a beaure what's a boray a creator is the beaure the almighty is the creator we are the nivra we are the created being created means that you're living too much of him two circumstances simultaneously given his bonin on the one hand when you are created you are in existence on your own thank you for bringing me into being but now that i'm here i'm me now that i'm here i'm independent now that i'm here i have a personality and i have a reality but that is a contradiction and a conflict with god kinera kiso because when we live here in the world when we live here on earth and we present and we perceive this illusion that we are independent creations but now operating on our own that as if places a distance between us and hashem as if he didn't create us if as he doesn't as if he doesn't have to still will our being makes us look like we are nifrad thank you shkaif you got me started but now that i'm here i got it i got it from here i'll take it from your god you go back to whatever you were doing go take care of other people go create another world you go focus on other things you brought me into this world i got it now i've got it shaney davka idea but on the other hand specifically because we're a member of creation realize wow where did i come from had i come to be why is that i woke up this morning and i'm alive how is there breath and breath in my lungs and blood flowing through my veins there's a bore there's a creator there's someone something so much bigger than myself who's running this world who wills my existence because if you're created then by definition there is a creator that's one of the arguments of the existence of god we've spoken about it in the past i think towards the beginning of living with ammuna i gave you everything i had from my introduction to philosophy class in college saint thomas aquinas is evidence of god's existence and the first cause evidence of god's existence do we really need evidence is there overwhelming evidence we analyzed all of that early on you can review over the next few weeks but one of the arguments for god's existence is that if there are created there is a creator the third law of thermodynamics that order turns to disorder so whenever you see disorder turn to order what does it mean meaning the natural law of thermodynamics is that order turns to disorder there is decay there's death this coffee will get cold because the water molecules will spread out and the heat will diminish order goes to disorder that's why things rot and they spoil it's why people age and die order goes to disorder that's the natural order so what happens when you see the opposite when you see disorder go to order what do you know when you see materials turn into a house you see paints on a canvas turned into a painting you see ink on the page turn into words and sentences and a book when you see a block of marble turns into a sculpture what does it mean there was a creator someone did it it didn't happen on its own because it doesn't happen on its own left alone order goes to disorder left alone it would go in the opposite direction so whenever you see disorder turn to order you know there's a god this is the most simplistic argument for god's existence also probably the most compelling because if you sit in this room and i'd say to you you see this book this paper you're not going to believe it i had a bottle of ink and there was a blank paper and i knocked it over and look words it's uh come on what are the chances what are you talking about impossible you see this building we're sitting in this room we're in you won't believe it there's a pile of delivery that came from home depot from lowe's and there was a hurricane and it whipped everything together and now we're in this isn't it amazing you'd say impossible never happened it's the watchmaker argument also see the watch with all the dials and all the everything that goes into the watch just came to be say impossible i say oh you see this human being factory takes in food eliminates food holds the nutrients has the capacity for reproduction has a brain thought mindfulness you see it just came to be yeah that's possible i believe that that's where you draw the line the human being is the most complex creation much more than a piece of paper with words or a building or sculpture or a painting but the human being were able to say yeah it's just chance it was a big bang there's a creator if you see created there's a creator so therefore we live our lives knowing both of these truths simultaneously on the one hand as a member of the nivra as a member of creation i feel okay i'm created good shine but now i'm on my own now i'm independent now i've got it from here now thank you god i've moved on but simultaneously i realize i'm mindful of well if i'm a member of creation if i'm created what does that mean i have a creator there is a creator to whom i owe everything you're still involved in my life who's my mocker who's the source of my life um and just like he originally created me then he continues to will me now because what's the reason what determines if i get hit by a car die in my sleep have a massive heart attack and drop dead why are we here not everybody is and what merit who determines who decides it's only the goodness and the graciousness of god that we woke up this morning he says in the footnotes we know that we don't have existence that is on our own how do you know that because before god's kindness to create you you didn't exist so there's no part of your existence that you could claim is really entirely independent this is deep stuff hope i hope you had your cup of coffee there's no part of existence that we can claim is really fully independent why because before we were created we didn't exist so clearly we depend on and rely on entirely him and he wills us to continue to be here i've told you before the muscle of the balatanya balatanya says everybody close your eyes for a moment i want you to picture a red ferrari lamborghini whatever sports car of your choice you see it see the hood you see the rear view mirrors see the logo on the cover on the front see the trunk some of you can't close your eyes too scared what you might see you see it bright red beautiful nobody's lying on top of it just a blank car see the car good now open your eyes and now start thinking about the cup of coffee the taste the color are you still does the car still exist no the car is in your imagination when does it exist when you imagine it the moment you stop imagining it it doesn't exist the balatania doesn't talk about a red sports car but he does say that we are the imagination of hashem this entire world is a matrix it's an illusion we think it exists but it is simply the will the imagination of hashem when he continues to imagine us we are here if he would cease or stop to imagine us we would disappear which means that every moment of existence we only exist because he continues to will our existence if he'd get distracted of course he can't he's the omnipotent almighty infinite but if he'd get distracted if he'd want a cup of coffee if he'd think about something else then we would poof we'd cease to exist we only exist because he wills our existence we are the image in his imagination much like the sports car was for you and the moment you these last two minutes that you stopped thinking about it doesn't exist anywhere the same is true with hashem so we have these two realities at the same time on the one hand i feel shikaya he got me started thank you but here i am now i'm good i got it i'm independent of you on the other if we stop and pause and think about it we realize if we're honest with ourselves we can never be independent we only exist because he wills it we never existed before he created us of him and therefore we have two realities so when i focus on god i only exist because of your will i am your agent and ambassador here on earth i am your shliya i'm your messenger to help repair and mold and shape your world in your image the way you want i feel so deeply connected intimately integrated with you that's what's called punim face to face that's what's called kedam that's what's called a moving forward that's what's called godless expansiveness growing when i'm in that state of hashem ah i love you i feel you every breath in my lungs it's not that my neshama is calling out and praising you nishima's breath with every breath my neshama praises you hashem i feel you we talked about this a lot in corona which was a respiratory disease and people were put on on ventilators and and how grateful and appreciative we should be every breath in our lungs every breath we take every breath is a testament hashem willing us to exist so he first brought us into this world he breathed life into us with every breath we take we restore our shema that's why not colanes hashem i feel you every breath you're with me and i'm your agent i'm your ambassador i'm here to serve you how can we take on your world today that's godless i'm growing i'm expanding i'm running i'm making progress but but sometimes we wake up in the opposite shiloh humayuni sometimes you say hashem if you don't mind i've got some personal things to tend to today hashem today is about me my existence my happiness my comfort my convenience my indulgence my existence you go take care of you and your existence i got me independent my existence my happiness my priorities my wants my needs um now instead of being face to face we're back to back heading in different directions katniss small instead of expanding um [Music] because the moment that you disengage and disconnect the moment you feel independent and on your own the moment you stop with every breath realizing it's only the graciousness and goodness of god zakatness that's smallness that's smallness it's a small way of thinking it's a small way of being and it's a small feeling to have yeah it's adolescence it's rebelliousness we all went through it maybe we have kids now going through it or grandchildren going through it what is continuous what is a cut on what is a minor don't tell me what time i can go to sleep and don't tell me how to think and i'm on my own and i see things the way i want to see it and who are you to tell me i'm my own person by the way i have some money i want to go to the mall but i'm my own person and i'm my own that's the way a cotton thinks adolescent immature undeveloped adolescent a cotton thinks i'm my own don't tell me how to thinking how to be and what to do and i don't need you except at what i entirely need you and they utterly need you but then what happens ironically ironically the more independent you get the more you're appreciative of your parents who brought you into this world ironically you'd think the more independent you become the more educated and the more you're on your own the more you earn your own living the more you build your own family you say you know mom and dad thank you got me started i haven't needed you since i was 13. i'm good to go now i've surpassed you in every which way but we feel the opposite you feel the opposite when you become a goddamn and you become mature you say you know what no matter what i have or who i have or what i am no matter how it compares or competes with you none of it would be here without you you brought me into this world and you changed my diapers and you put me in school and you got me started and you paid my tuition and you continue to love me and shower me protect me and inspire me and guide me and i'm nothing without you it's counter-intuitive it's backwards but that's a cut on versus a guddall and what's true in our relationship with our parents is true in our relationship with hashem when you're in that place of ani ego me i i take credit i take responsibility i'm in control i micromanage life yesis i'm a yesh i exist i'm a somebody then i've pushed myself away from hashem so we have these periods of katniss and godless why do we have them on the one hand you're receiving and receiving and receiving but you have no recognition and no acknowledgement of who's giving you're getting and getting and getting there's absolutely no recognition or acknowledgement of who's giving so this is this tension that every member of creation lives with by definition and by simple by virtue of being a member of creation simultaneously there's competing feelings of being a nivra on the one hand on the one hand i'm independent i'm created now i exist let me go let me roar let me fly let me soar but on the other hand i'm a never i'm created if i'm created it means what i have a creator i have to acknowledge i have to appreciate i have to connect so why don't we just have one without the other we can't they're both built in they're both realities of being a nivra are created and that's why you have ups and downs and that's why they have ups and downs if you think about it he doesn't spell this out mr meyer but it's true in our other relationships as well why does that happen in marriage why does it even happen with children why does it happen in all our relationships there's roots a show there's running too and closeness and romance and connection and to as being a whole i can't imagine life without you and you complete me and blah blah blah blah blah blah blah there's that and then there's other moments that are like oh i can't breathe and just let me be and we don't see eye to eye and i don't feel connected at all right now i don't even recognize you we're madly in love and it'll be okay in an hour but right now in this particular conversation i don't even know who you are why does that happen for these same two reasons in marriage in particular because you feel on the one hand you say we're two halves that became a whole we're one that's godless the godless of our perception of our marriage the greatness in the moments of greatness and marriage there is no i independent of us there's just us our lives are so connected integrated don't worry about it our lives are so integrated they're so connected to so overlapping our souls were we're destined to be together we're reuniting to become one in those moments it's godless it's punim upon him but then there are moments of countless why because i remember you know you existed and i existed before we stood under the hoop we were raised by different sets of parents and different backgrounds went to different schools we have different opinions so in marriage there's a sense of on the one hand dependence and independence there's a sense of coming together but also being a part there's a sense of two halves becoming a whole but i also have my own identity and how do you juggle and balance that celevec has a magnificent essay on this about marriage about in marriage not forfeiting your individuality and identity but simultaneously blending and becoming one how do you do that how do you do that this is not a show on bias talk so it's not for now it's a mistake a marriage that demands a blurring of individuality is an unhealthy marriage but a marriage which is two peoples two individuals just happening to in a corporate sense live together and divide the chores is also not a marriage marriage demands the balance of the two it's rats of ashov it's panama it's the same phenomenon parents and children it's the same thing on the one hand you are me you know a mother can say you literally i'm the factory that produced you you are manufactured inside of me you are an extension of me there used to be a cord for some people it continues long after birth but there was a cord that you were nourished through and that once connected us on the other hand i'm not defined by your actions anymore children grow up and they make choices for themselves and sadly in our time i've counseled more and more people in this way whose children are making radically different decisions than they would necessarily make or want made from their religious lifestyle to whom they marry to choices about their own orientation or identity or gender there's more and more going on and how do parents how do parents deal with that who on the one hand feel my child is me this choice this lifestyle it's me but on the other hand need to know no it's not yes you are the beaure in this case they're the nivra and yes they owe who they are their existence to you but now they're independent and they're making a choice and it doesn't have to reflect on you or define you there's a you independent of the choice of your child complicated issues but this is a reality that's built into the fabric of creation that is about our relationship with god and our relationships with each other and it's by definition because the world is designed in such a way that there are creators and created we definition therefore by definition we have these two maths of him these two realities on the one hand feeling connected godless on the other hand feeling katniss ratza running two running two and shove retreat a little i need some space upon him face to face intimate and ahor back to back not heading in the same direction that natural up and down is built into creation because of this reason so therefore in life we will live through these rhythms in our marriage in our parenting and in our relationship with hashem by definition we will endure and persevere and we are destined to live through these ups and downs and through these cycles and rhythms the revelation of god so therefore in every created and every receiver yes these are established in the creation the essay de avoda mata godless so the first thing is that we last week we acknowledged that we validated it we don't have to feel bad it's not just you it's not just me have ups and downs it's not just you or me in marriage and with our children and with hashem and in life none of us are flatlined we'd be dead all of us are ups and downs it's not just you or me it is built into creation your marriage is not bad if you have ups and downs your relationship with hashem is not bad if you have feelings of being connected and disconnected that is by design don't feel bad don't beat yourself up don't feel guilt don't feel shame that is the way the world was created good point number one point number two why why is that the way the world was created because we're a nivra and by definition of your inner if you're created you'll live with those two components created being an extension of another brings about those two realities sometimes feeling independent sometimes dependent sometimes entirely integrated sometimes apart sometimes running two sometimes needing some space and being away that was point number two philosophically why that is definitional to being creation point number three which we'll get to in a few weeks from now we're taking off a few weeks is good now what now what how do you serve hashem in godless that's almost easy it's not easy but it's almost easy he's everywhere every breath isn't he amazing and i love him fantastic when you're in love in your marriage and romance and cards and thinking about you and texting you and i can't stand being away from you and all i do is think about okay wonderful but what does your marriage look like in the days of katniss what does your marriage to hashem look like in the days of katniss how do you continue to connect with your children in days of katniss of achor of retreat of needing space of feeling small what's the avodah how do we serve in those moments how do you say i love you when you don't feel it should you say i love when you don't feel it i'll leave you with that question to ponder for the next few weeks this is a good question in marriage some marriages someone will say say i love you i can't say it now i don't feel it right now or do you say i love you because there's a value to keeping the communication of i love you open and the the backdrop the power level of i love you changes but i love you has to be consistent should they say i love you even if you don't feel it in that moment to your child to your spouse to hashem which is really the question should you daven when you don't feel like it they put it differently is there a value to when i love you when you don't feel it is there a value to a dharvening when you don't feel connected what does the avodah in the days of katniss look like for that and more stay tuned next time that we are together are our guests on behind the bema tonight their son gilad was kidnapped and murdered several summers ago you remember the three boys they are our guests behind the bema tonight at 9 00 pm enjoy the next few weeks of a break from me but not a break from him continue to live with the moon until next time it's the happiest day