Living With Emunah (Part 235) - Don't Panic

good morning welcome back to living with emunah wanted to thank our generous series sponsors for the year dr davian bellamore and member of our doctor brian galbin in memory of ellen's mother dr ellen shanzo this morning she was also sponsored by michelle diamond in honor of the first earth site of our beloved our dear friend we miss so much khaim diamond who uh displayed sacha muna in his life and at the end of it and we think of him and dedicate our learning to him it's also sponsored by our friend yvette album a speedy recovery of her husband aaron calvin was undergoing back surgery this morning she goes smoothie she'll have a speedy a painless or for shleima and to the earth side of her father herbert levine whose neshama should have an aliyah also if you've not yet signed up for our one-on-one campaign dollar a day of saka a minute a day of total learning in the merit of estotilla basariatsipora desti moscowitz the mosquitoes get alerted every time someone signs up it's very meaningful to them it gives them a lot of gives estee lauder 136 people have signed up so far but that is a tiny fraction of our shul let alone the people who listen online so everyone has a dollar a day and everyone has a minute a day to learn you can go to brsonline.org one and one beersonline.org one and one do it because it's right and it'll be in her merit do it because the moscow just find out about it and it's meaningful to them do it because it's good for you and you'll feel better about it brsonline.org one and one uh one housekeeping note the next two weeks we will not be live in person but we will continue the amino shear mirtashem online from an undisclosed location streaming live very special location for a special people and we're extraordinarily grateful so the next two weeks not live in person but live online same bat channel so you can make your own cup of coffee and wear whatever you want just leave your camera off and uh and join us online okay your camera is off it's on youtube that's why we're on youtube so we don't have any permits from mishaps okay we're still in by um we are learning maya morgan student vietnak mayor known lovingly affectionately as of ichat mayor avichi maya reviews like mayor morgan's turn and is by um we've been learning all about simcha simha serving hashem with simcha simcha having a joy for life we spoke last week halawa this would be one of the questions in the shidduchim inquiries does the other party have a simcha are they happy are they joyful are they generally a happy person a joyful person i have us on page speak now forever hold your peace that's what we're up to good that's where i'm starting anyway even attaching ourselves to the shallam namely to god who is whole who is complete by riding god's coattails and therefore we're supposed to make everything make sense even when we're lacking we're incomplete when we're struggling even when things are not entirely right even when we are not understanding but if we attach ourselves to him and if we ride his coattails and if we rely on him and believe that he does everything for a reason and to him everything makes sense still it's hard to not get sad because sometimes things are missing in our lives and it's hard if not impossible to not be sad about it there are people who are desperate to get married there are people who are desperate for children there are people desperate for good health there are people desperate for parnassa there are people desperately waiting and lacking for all types of things very significant very consequential that most around them take for granted and they wish they could too so how was not one brought down how was not one saddened the motors one of the methodologies one of the strategies of the etsahara is to get us to concentrate and think about and focus not on what we have but on what we don't have not on what's there but on what's missing it is a methodology of the etsara that means to say that even without our focusing on it it's missing and it's not there and it's hard to live without but now that that is a given now that those are the cards that we are dealt now that that is a reality what do we choose to focus on what do we choose to define us what do we choose to define and influence our day and our joy and our relationships and our happiness the answer the antidote the way to transform the way to pivot and to refocus is to practice it's the practice that takes practice and to condition ourselves to amuna to condition ourselves to ammuna it's just it is the solution again person who has diagnosed depression who needs intervention and therapy and help and muna is part of the answer it's not the answer i say that almost every class because i don't want anyone to misunderstand or misrepresent or think that i think that you just have to listen to living with a muna or learn the and all your problems melt away and it is the answer in the solution we're not talking about clinical or diagnosed level we're talking about the general feelings that we have i'll give you an example it's a petty small insignificant example it's nothing aloha it should be the worst thing that happens but i'll give you an example i have a it's ridiculous how much detail i'm going to give you but i have a backup old iphone that has my shabbos alarm on it because the shabbos alarm app doesn't work for whatever reason on my new iphone and that's what i keep in my drawer and i set before shabbos for yantef so that i can wake up and give a drusha and the like so normally i charge it in time so i could set the alarm and air of shabbos and i'm good to go for shabbos morning it's a shabbos alarm it beeps a couple of times it's a shaolin bias alarm only beeps a couple times and it and it wakes me up and we're good to go might be i have to set a few of them but they each only beep a couple of times so this past heir of shabbos which also happened to be out of a three-day yantif that needed alarms set for sunday and monday too i had forgot to charge it it was dead when i plugged it in it refused to come back to life in time for me to go to shul so i was panicking so i come late tonight i've never been late to minnichon a friday night in my life i'm not late to minha i'm not coming late but it's not coming on it's not coming back to life it doesn't have the alarm set what am i going to do i'm going to sleep in i'm going to miss the yusuke russia and then the shul when i wake up one o'clock in the afternoon i will have missed having to give all the drushas i panicked i came to shul and i was panicked i was dominating and all i could think about was should i run home between me do i see if it came on do i set the alarm what's going to happen i'm going to oversleep i'm never going to wake up i'm not going to give the ischid russia the world will stop spinning on its axis and everything will come to an end if i don't give that yiska drasha how will anyone survive yantif or what will yiskar mean to them and uh and so i panicked and it was destroying my dominant friday night it was destroying my friday night and then all of a sudden i realized that is it often takes a little time lag to kick in i said buddy you're the guy who gives this sheer every week living with emunah and all of a sudden i said to myself if hashem had wanted it to come on in time to set it he would have and he didn't that means it's meant to be and he wants you to wake up anyway you'll wake up and if you sleep in the world will come to an end and if you missed every drusha everyone will be okay and jessica will be just fine and yantap will still be beautiful and joyful and it'll be the way it's meant to be and i took a couple of deep breaths and i remembered this is what i teach and preach every week i might as well practice it and it was unbelievable i enjoyed the rest of yamtif i didn't think about it i didn't care about it and p.s i woke up like four o'clock five o'clock six o'clock there we go but i woke up i woke up in time for i woke up in comedy i'm not telling that to you because i'm special i'm telling it to you exactly for the opposite i'm so not special that even though i sit in front of you every week and give the same exact torah every week same exact i also struggle i may be the one sitting here i may be the one delivering the message every week but i also struggle in that moment when the rubber meets the road when you're in a confront and i said this should be the most challenging situation of my life of my year of my week of my day it was a big fat nothing to worry about but you know you panic it's not working i won't wake up what's going to be i'm going to wake up and look at the clock and see what time it is i'll be humiliated i'll be embarrassed i'll be ashamed i'll get fired it'll be terrible and you panic and then you take a deep breath and you say well he's in charge he's in control there's a reason and a purpose this is what's meant to be it's easy to say this about an alarm that won't turn on it's not easy to say this about a person that you lose or about something that you long for and want that's part of life i'm not comparing and i'm not minimizing and i'm not over exaggerating this problem i'm giving it as a small tiny little muscle example in my life because i don't have an email to read you this week i'm giving you as a little example in my life of you can panic about a whole range of things that are on your plate who doesn't wake up every morning and have good reasons to panic if not about the usual russia about whatever else how will it get done and what will happen what the flight one's gonna do with my kids what will happen at the doctor and what will happen the livelihood what will happen with this decision what will happen this interaction what will happen who doesn't have take that deep breath and you lean in and double down on your ammuna it's either real earth's not real he's there or he's not there you believe everything is for a reason and a purpose or this whole thing is a joke and if he's real and we know he is and if he's running the world and he's in charge and he's in control and he is dominion and providence and all that happens is for a reason and go along for the ride and and you go from i'm not exaggerating when i tell you i went from a state of panic while i wake up to oh this is so exciting i'm so curious to see what he has in store like this will be so interesting how does this movie end do i wake up in time or not this is so fun this is so fun he's in charge he's in control i can't do anything more at this point there's nothing i can do so i'm so curious i can't wait to see how the novel ends i can't wait to see how the movie ends i can't wait to see what happens will i wake up or not hashem that a good ending but if it didn't that also would be what was meant to be again a tiny insignificant small silly example but it wasn't i could have had a miserable three-day yantif or an exciting let's see how this ends this is so fun let's see what happens now it's not so fun when you're waiting for lab resort results to come back not ooh i'm so curious this is so fun let's see let's see the lab results i understand that but on the small petty things which make up the majority of our lives if we're blessed on those put them in context and perspective take deep breaths and don't panic let go and let god lean in and realize he's in charge so this is fun let's see if we take off on time or if the flight gets killed that's so fun let's see if the bear gets delivered if the luggage was lost this is so fun so curious how this will turn out what kind of drushia material i'll get out of it can't wait to find out the amazing it's a beautiful thing some gilgal of someone who never came to shul some reincarnation of somebody who never came to shul and now can't leave can't find a way out stuck in shul forever we have to believe gives us everything i need in this moment at this time boso tikuno at each moment according to what's meant what's destined for me but what i want why don't i have what i want what the house i want the car i want the spouse i want the child i want the job i want the health why don't i have what i want hashem is hinting he's speaking to us he is communicating to us if you don't have what you want it's because it's not right for you right now we read last week that email person who wanted 150 jobs he applied for and got none in 151st that he applied for on a whim which was a dream job for him he never thought he should have gotten he got and if not for 150 rejections he never would have gotten that job he wanted so what do you mean but mashup who wrote that but i want it but i want that girl i want that man i want that job what do you mean no because it's not what's right for you right now so turn the page on god gives us a new day and let's see where the story goes let's read the next chapter of our book can't wait to see what happens next in this thriller in this mystery novel called life this mystery novel called life all that god does he's perfect he's omnipotent he's infinite and he's in charge and in control and all that he does is carefully choreographed curated organized designed from above there are no coincidences there's no chance there's no randomness there's no nature it's all from him it's all from him the circles believe show him so we have to lean in and trust him with the whole heart with the whole heart he knows what's right what's good what's true and he and he alone has the power to do it all so he keeps saying to us new relax i told you i got it i told you i've got your back just stick with me why do you keep not sticking with me why do you keep doubting me why do you keep challenging me why do you keep looking for other answers and other solutions and i give a muscle in a relationship which is purely hypothetical but imagine somebody is planning a big event and they're panicked over a lot of things they have to do so they ask the person close to them can you take care of these three things the person says no problem i got it i'm trustworthy you can be confident in me i got it take it off your list you don't have to worry about it then they ask you five more times and you say i said i got it it's done then you find out they asked three other people could you also help or work or make sure or take care of it he said why are you asking other people and why are you still following up with me and why are you worried about it do you trust me or not when i say it's done and i've got it when i say stick with me and i've got your back when i say it's under control it's it's tension in our relationship what does it say about your faith in me if you're not willing to let go and let me take charge of it when i said i've got it and i said it's done and i said you can trust me don't ask other people don't follow up with me it's done so krishna says what are you panicking what do you keep asking and what do you keep turning in other directions and what do you keep doubting that whatever's happening is the way it's meant to be you're challenging our relationship this tension you're introducing in our relationship if you're not willing to let go and like god if you're not willing to lean in and say god i've done everything i can i want to cross it off my list i've taken it as far as i can go we don't believe this is a big discussion somebody did contact me recently and ask if we can continue to revisit the balance between establish the effort the initiative we take and the ammuna when is it all up to us when do we have to go further work harder do more and when do we say here's the ghoul here's the boundary i've gone as far as i can go god i'm letting go it's up to you what's that balance we don't believe that you sit at home and say god will provide someone will drop off a brown paper bag with cash if i meant to have a living i don't need to work we don't say i don't need to go to the doctor if god wants me to get better i will spontaneously have a refusal aim at we don't say that you have to take initiative but once you've checked it off your list by having taken it as far as you can go once we've done all that we can god i've gone as far as i can go i want to take it off my list and now i'm ready to let go and that's it there's no tension between me and you i don't know what i did wrong let's fly there's a message figure it out i'll figure it out so we introduce tension in our relationship with him when we doubt him when we keep questioning him when we undermine him by by counting on elsewhere we have to do our initiative we have to go as far as we can go we have to do what's reasonable and what's responsible and then we have to let go and then we have to let god believe shaolin with a full heart kirakuyo de amato vemmas he knows what's right what's good and he has the power he has the control he has the ability to organize everything as long as you are dependent and reliant on other people or other things you will be sad you leave room and an opening for stress anxiety worry and sadness and sadness the one place where there's genuine happiness true authentic real and whole well but i don't understand the surgeon is the one who's going to do the surgery i shouldn't depend on rely on be grateful think about him and the answer is yes and no the surgeon is the shem the surgeon is the agent the ambassador sergeant is the one who's going to do the work for god but as you're wheeled into surgery it's i hope the surgeon's successful because i hope hashem guides his hands hashem wants the surgeon to succeed he will and if he wants the surgeon to slip and mess up that's what will happen does that mean we don't hold other people accountable we do it's malpractice insurance to cover that but of course we hold people accountable particularly if it's negligence but ultimately ultimately it's from hashem so everything we could do in life from appearing before the judge or jury to coming before the surgeon or doctor and waiting for that lab report to our professional life at work our private life at home we realize that all the people we interact with and all the people whom we rely upon are agents of hashem they're agents of hashem so while we're grateful to them we should buy them a gift and say thank you and they saved their life and they represented us in court and they did good work for us with tremendous gratitude and we're grateful and show appreciation but they were agents they were the hand of hashem they were the end of hashem davindavan and then you lie in the gurney worrying surgeon the surgeon the surgeon the surgeon the surgeon is the handy extension of hashem so when you think it's all to the surgeon then what's going to happen you're going to lie on that gurney while you're prepped for surgery they've taken your phone so you have nothing to do but lie there and worry lying vulnerable in a robe under a cold blanket in a hallway and all you have to do is worry what if the surgeon didn't get a good night's sleep what if he partied too late last night what if he's in the middle of a fight with his wife or his child what if he's addicted to substances what if what if what if what if what if he's gonna this morning all of a sudden get a tremor in his hand what if what if what if there's room for worry there's room for sadness because you think it's all up to the surgeon but if you're grateful to the surgeon you meet with the surgeon you're kind to the surgeon but you realize the surgeon is just an agent of hashem then you're not going to be sad because hashem doesn't get tremors and he doesn't stay up too late at night and he doesn't get in a fight with anyone and he's never in a bad mood everything that he does is perfect everything that he does is by design everything he does is with the ultimate expression of control so it gives us a sense of calm calm it's a lot harder to have calm lying in that gurney than it is about setting your yant of alarm it's a lot harder admittedly but still in every situation of life as we've said countless times one thing i know is you don't make it better by worry and you never improved anything with your sadness that never made anything better no relationship improved no result improved because you were worried or you were sad it only compounds it makes it worse it never ever ever makes it better doctor doesn't say oh you're really panicked you're really worried you've called my emergency line 17 times in the middle of the night i guess i'll try really hard in this surgery it never makes things better it never makes the traffic move faster the flight go more on time never makes the people around us act the way we want them to it never makes anything better it only compounds our problems and makes it worse so let go and let god hashem i've done everything i can i searched out the best surgeon in the country because jews only go to the best i flew to the best hospital i got in because we only go to the best i've done everything that i can to prepare to prep to be ready to line up the follow-up and now i present myself to you with no worry no fear and no sadness smile smile on my way in you know um the shear is dedicated in memory of rabbi dr galbet i talk about him often but when he went into his first major surgery for his brain tumor as they were wheeling him down the hallway to the operating room he had his sons by his side and a gemara open and he wanted the last thing that he would be saying or speaking or doing or experiencing with them on the way into surgery was learning torah with joy it wasn't will say to him together we'll panic together and we'll say i love you together and we'll leave nothing unsaid together what's the gemara we're up to we're going to continue we're going to leave off of the surgery we're going to pick up right after and that was the attitude that he went in with that was the joy that he had and those were the words on his lips literally a gemara open sun's on his side learning gemara on the way in it's superhuman i'm not telling you that everybody's capable of that but that capacity to have that to have that that sense and that attitude we go through challenges and hard times and we shouldn't beat ourselves up if we're not on that level but we should know that we have it within us and it makes things better not worse it's not a cop-out it's a solution it doesn't compound our problems it helps us with them we have the ability happiness is a decision not an emotion it is a decision you have to catch yourself to make that decision when you panic over the alarms with things much much much more significant to catch yourself you have to take that deep breath you have to remind and remember that no i don't want to and i don't have to feel that way i don't have to panic i don't have to be sad i don't have to compromise every yant of meal because i'm going to be sitting there and spill cause while i wake up no i remembered and now i can let go and now i can enjoy the ride and now i can find that simcha so even when there are things missing and even when there are things challenging and even when there are hard things happening we have that ability when we make that decision when we've put our focus on this will continue the physical reality of this world its root is in the element of earth of dust the world the physical world is made of earth and dust mamish earth and dust or this past shabbos yantif mud there are four elements and they correspond with four emotions or feelings and four services of hashem in this world so afar earth which is the lowliest element earth the ground the soil the earth the dirt is the weightiness the heaviness of life the sadness of life sheamus the earth the emotion of earth the spirit sense of earth earthliness heaviness sadness so hashem put us and planted us in this whole physical world in the physical universe he housed our soul in a physical body in order for us to transform and to elevate it so sadness is rooted in our animal soul not our godly soul it's a very deep idea so listen carefully it's a very deep idea when we feel that sense of weightiness and heaviness and sadness slowness of life that's all coming from the animal soul in us that's coming from the earthly component of us it's coming from the physical definition and character of us we're made up of these two dimensions simultaneously on the one hand we're animals animal instinct animal impulse animal appetite on the one end we like animals eat eliminate what we ate we procreate anatomically biologically we have so much in common with animals we're part of the animal kingdom the animal world and we have a level of an animal so called the nephesh but while an animal stops there we spoke about i don't remember when a few weeks and months ago maral an animal is called the behemoth what you see is what you get the animal walks on all four because the animal faces the ground is drawn to the earth the animal is earthly and the animal's physical and the animals the hero now and the animal gives into its impulsive instinct and the animal only pursues what it wants with no does not discriminate that's the animal soul that we have but we also have a godly soul would say we have a godly souls the peace of god literally inside us and that godly soul is not the nephesh but the shama it's that second layer the second level is the higher level and the neshama is the disciplined and the shama is in control that neshama is in charge the neshama is driven by intellect the neshama is the much much higher level so when we're overwhelmed with sadness with heaviness with weightiness when we become helpless and hopeless that's that animal soul that's that earthly soul that's the physical boundary limitation soul but the godly soul can kick in and say let go and let god and don't worry don't be sad and don't be drawn down the symmetra offers if you feel that you're sad if you feel overwhelmed with sadness i'm not talking about grief legitimate grief from the loss of a loved one not talking about legitimate grief from the loss of a loved one just talking about sadness you wake up one day and you don't know why you're sad you're down you're low energy where does that come from comes from the animal soul it comes from the earthly soul comes from the sort of offer inside us and what's the answer or antidote what's in our power or control how can we repair or fix it by remembering that we are empowered to transform and to transcend we don't have to be satisfied with the animal in us we can and we must express the godly in us we can transcend that animal instant instinct impulse appetite fear worry anxiety envy jealousy arrogance and we can express the better or best part of ourselves not the nephesh but the neshama that godliness that is inside each and every one of us that's filled with possibility as we said the morale describes the animal walks on all fours drawn to the earth but the human being walks on two legs because we strive and we reach higher and higher we elevate and we lift higher and higher we're not satisfied with the here and now we don't look down with a sense of of fatalism we look up we stretch up we reach up higher towards the heavens human being walks on two feet not four legs because we're growing and we're reaching we're striving the shaman the heavens hashem you're in charge you're in control and when i let god i don't have to feel weighed down drawn to this earth the gravity that makes me feel so heavy so weighed i could defy the physical and the spiritual gravity i could defy gravity i can fight gravity i can elevate over gravity and when you're feeling that it's a sign that you have to make the decision to be happy on the average day where you could go either way and it's just an average day okay you're smiling a lot not smiling out whatever it is but on the day that you wake up specifically specifically on the day that you wake up feeling heavy the day that you wake up feeling sad the way the day that you wake up feeling drawn to the physical and low to the ground that's the day that dafka you gotta smile and you gotta overcome it with happiness overwhelm it with happiness we have the ability we control the chemicals in our brain we can release them we read last week you need sunglasses because the sun makes you frown when you frown this is remarkable science shows that when you frown the micro muscles in your face when it experiences a fram make you feel sad because it thinks you're frowning because you're sad so you become sad so that's why there's a correlation between not wearing sunglasses looking up at the sun which causes you to frown which causes you to make you feel sad but the opposite is also true if you turn up the corners of your mouth the micro muscles in your face think oh you're smiling you must be happy and it releases the chemicals that make you feel happy so if you want to feel happy it turns out you don't go to neiman marcus if you want to feel happy you don't have to go to nordstrom's at least go to nordstrom's rack have some rachmanis it turns out if you want to feel happy you don't have to drink anything or imbibe or inject god forbid anything turns out if you want to feel happy you just have to smile there are chemicals that can make you happy but they're not outside your body they're inside it and if you smile you'll feel happy and if you focus on god and you say i'm not walking on four legs today i'm not going to be drawn down to the earth to the soda afar to the nephesh in me to the animal in me i'm going to stand up tall standing up tall i'm standing up on two legs i'm reaching for the heavens reaching for the stars i'm letting go i'm letting god i'm inviting him into my life i'm submitting i am surrendering to him he is in charge and he is in control and therefore i'm going to smile i'm going to smile and when i smile i will have that positive result of smiling i'll have that positive result of smiling we have that power we have that control it's in ourselves don't relinquish it don't let go of it don't let no one else control our emotions we can't control the people around us but we can control how they make us feel we can't control them we wish we could we can't we can't we can try to inspire them try to positively influence them try try to be good role models for them but as hard as we try we can't control them but we can control how they make us feel we can't control how we react we can control what happens with the rest of our day we can control do we respond do we have to match their decibel level do we have to match their hostility do we have to match their obnoxiousness or pushing buttons do we have to match their envy or their arrogance or their ego we don't have to match we can't control the people we control how we react we can control how we respond and we can control how they make us feel do we have to walk away feeling down or bad about ourselves or feeling hopeless or powerless no we don't have to we can control put a smile put a smile and we'll feel happy we'll feel confident we'll feel powerful we'll feel in control and then we'll feel we don't need to be in control because he is we do the best we can and then we let him take care of the rest and we take it from there we're going to stop here we pick up next wednesday online please note the link you can watch live on youtube or listen later tonight we're going behind the beam with ellie chevalis who's a fantastic marriage and family therapist author lecturer she's really great is the guest host with me so we're gonna have a great conversation with her about what to look for in shidduchim the love languages and key ingredients of a healthy marriage how to be somebody that others can disagree with all kinds how to teach modesty and sneeze to our daughters and sons so looking forward to an interesting conversation behind the bema tonight until next time stay happy stay healthy and stay holy