Living With Emunah (Part 200): Are You Emotionally Invested?

good morning boca tov welcome back to living with emunah so grateful that you've joined me on this wednesday morning to continue to try to grow to learn to improve to feel better connected more connected with our creator to live with emunah not just in theory and not just with lip service but in practice each and every day i want to thank our generous sponsors for the amuni series for the year our friends dr xavi and bella morgan in memory of the great rabbi dr brian and as well as bethesda's bella's mother dr ellen chandser who's nishama should have an alia if you'd like to sponsor a future class of living with emunah we've made it easier than ever go on brsonline.org sponsor brsonline.org sponsor you can choose the date make the payment put in the language all conveniently in one place thank you for your generosity and partnership in helping promote the principle and the life of living with emunah so before we jump back in to uh ravicha myers and the chapter on bitto that we've been learning that we've been studying about i want to tell you the other day something that happened that really struck me that really inspired me that really motivated me and i hope it will you too i had the privilege of participating in recording something for an organization and it had been a long time in the making to coordinate and to schedule and the technology and it was something just on the phone it wasn't with video so all the parties were on the line and they were about to press record for us to begin and the hostess the woman who organized the program right before we began she said wait one more thing and she said the words without exaggeration she said the words ho du la shem ki tov kiliolam we want to thank hashem for enabling and allowing us to have the privilege to record this podcast to try to make this difference and we ask hashem that everything should go smoothly everything should go well and it should have the impact that we desire and with that we were ready to go and she pressed record and it really struck me it really struck me because we talk all the time about living with emunah we talk all the time about not leaving god in the shul and not leaving god in the sitter and in the tehillim but taking him with us to every activity taking us with us to every aspect in every area of our life hashem i need to drive somewhere not a full fila but hashem let me get the green lights let me arrive there safely let me get there expeditiously let me get there hashem i'm about to put this cake in the oven hashem i'm about to negotiate this deal hashem i'm about to have this difficult conversation whatever we're going to do to daven that it work out i've shared many many times i'll keep sharing the gemara says wouldn't it be beautiful and wonderful if we can dive in the entire day and of course we don't really mean that because we need to balance our davening with so many other responsibilities and obligations we can't just sit in daven all day long most of us don't have the focus and the attention to do it and even if we did we have other responsibilities we have to earn a living we have to support and provide our family we have to shop and cook and wash dishes and do laundry we have to shower we have to go to the bathroom we need to sleep there are all kinds of activities we can't have in the whole day long so several beautiful commentaries explained halawa she is paula kolyankula doesn't mean that we sit in shul and darwin all day long or that we have a tahila mandala all day long what it means is halawa that all day long whatever we were doing we introduced it with it fella may this go well may this be successful may we feel your presence we have deliberations we have considerations we have things that we have to think about hashem please be part of the conversation hashem please come around the table spoke on monday night i gave uh 10 tips for parents of children in shidduchim you can find it online 10 tips for chilled parents of children at shidduchim and i said you know the morning condition says that shalom that they're not only two biological parents there are three parents for every child a mother a father and the senior parent the senior partner is hashem that child would not exist the child would not come into this world without hashem so we sit down to think about resumes or to think about dating in whatever world you're from and whatever mechanism you're employing for dating do we invite hashem to that conversation hashem you're the third parent you're the third party we want to make sure that you're happy with this suggestion you're happy with this you're happy with this process you're happy with this timeline do we invite do we involve do we welcome hashem to that process there's an opportunity to grow in a moon in vegas as a parent of a child in shidduchim as somebody who's in shidduchim themselves looking to find a spouse whatever area of life we're looking for fertility parnassa health whatever we're looking for to offer a little tifila halawai she is palo kalim kulo so i've been saying that viatora over and over for the last several years has a corollary we're going to say shortly when the month of elul begins the david says hashem i have one request from you hashem it's actually connected to this parsha yatam that mella god calls dove it out because david says i want one thing and then he lists several things so god says david nice try you said one thing but you listed several so david said you know where i learned that from i learned it from the best i learned it from you because you and our parties say and now you jewish people what does god want from you and then he goes on to list several things i learned it from the best i learned it from you so david says i want one thing and what is the one thing he wants shifty beves and again the salaamu is bothered are you kidding he's the king king has responsibilities king has obligations king has to go to war and the king has to legislate and the king has to adjudicate and the king has to rule the people and the king has to provide financially the economy the king has a plethora of responsibilities the king can't afford king doesn't have a license shifting hashem to sit in the base hashem all day long he has to go out and he has to do so islam says that's not what david was asking was asking is wherever i go and whatever i do let me feel that i'm sitting they sachem let me take the house of hashem with me sean is with me in the car he's with me at work he's with me in the kitchen he's with me in the supermarket he's with me in the gym and oh yeah he's with me in the basement and he's with me in the shul so halawaishi is sharing all this with you because i was so moved i was so moved that before she pressed record she said wait one more thing how grateful we are to hashem for this opportunity and how much we turn and lean on him that it be successful she was manifesting she was fulfilling she was actually executing and applying this principle this root this idea this beautiful insight of inviting and involving god in all that we do our days and our lives would be absolutely transformed imagine with our children okay we're sitting down to do homework wait child little kinder let's first say hashem let the homework go well let it go quickly let it go easily let it go smoothly let us come to the right answers hashem studying for a test let it go well let it go smoothly we have a tradition in my family when i was a child back many centuries ago and the dinosaurs roamed the earth before my sister my brother or i went for a test in school my father gave us a raw noodle and a raw noodle would sit on our desk and it would remind us while we took the test to use our noodle my father was concerned that we'd rush through the test and we would just want to get it done and hand it in and be the first so that little raw noodle on our desk was a reminder use your noodle when taking the test and i still give my children on days that they have tests big tests all tests they get a raw noodle they bring it to school they put it on their desk but what could we give them to put on their desks that would remind them that when they take out their number two sharpened pencil when they're about to take that test an ap or s.a.t or a regular hummish test to remember hashem alabai she is paolo shem turning over the paper i'm about to start my test please help me do well please help me think of the right answers please allow it to go smoothly please allow it to be frictionless halawai we teach our children alive we practice ourselves and through that teach our children that we involve and invite hashem to be part of every activity of every single day let the car i'd go well at the airplane ride go well let the negotiation go well let the cooking go well let the recipe go well let the conversation go well let the homework go well let the test go well let it all go well this woman taught me and reminded me it's not only an idea to share wednesday mornings living with amunah but it's an idea to put into practice in our lives okay we go on with biyan we are on page nun gimmel still in parikh aleph habitu the nature of nullifying ourselves and the idea is not to erase ourselves this is the ultimate cancel culture not just to cancel people around to cancel ourselves that's not what revitamire is endorsing we are not canceling ourselves in the service of hashem what we are doing is realizing that when we are with hashem which is always we are in the presence of such greatness such greatness so all-consuming that we are subsumed under him we realize and recognize that telling elohim the godliness in us and when we do that we tap into him bitter we are mavato that life and the world are not about me they're not about my ego my wants my needs my desires i am not the center of the universe he doesn't work for me i work for him sometimes a person can be in the presence of such greatness such power such a person who has such a skill whether it's a person who's a super genius a nobel prize winner a guddall be israel persons with a politician or a powerful elected official and they walk out and they forget they existed in that moment they didn't feel hunger or thirst they didn't feel a need to go to the bathroom they forgot that they were breathing they forgot they existed because when in the presence of someone something so great we don't even have an awareness or recognition of our own existence not in a way in which we're canceling ourselves but in a way in which we are most fulfilling ourselves because the true us the greatest us is that tsalam elokim is that godly soul and godly spirit within us so we continue we cannot arrive at that life and lifestyle of bittel of going through life and realizing i'm not going to lose my cool and get angry because the world's not about me i've nullified me it's about god how does this fit into god's plan i'm not going to be envious or jealous i'm not going to be anxious i'm not going to be arrogant because it's not about me it's all about him but getting to that level it's not easy getting to that level is an effort it's a lifetime ambition so he says sorry about that we cannot get there in one moment we have to go incrementally we have to go step after step bedal and madrigo sabito and there are four levels four levels four steps towards living this life of bittel of that capacity to nullify shamed four levels of where we can involve where we can integrate this attitude into our regular into our regular lives by the way continue to share your stories with me i welcome and i invite your emails telling me how you've lived with amuna so i can share it with archevra i'm inspired and inspires others if you fulfill like this woman taught me hodola shem kitv she is paula introducing your activities you have a great story with that please share it so level number one madrigal number one shlav one first step and the first level hamadrigari the first level the first step is a level that applies to every jew the inanimate and the idea is that we recognize the existence of god kim step number one is cognitively rationally intellectually to know that if the world exists the sophisticated complex detailed world filled with these minutia that it didn't come to be randomly and it didn't come to be by accident that it takes more faith to be an atheist than it does to be a believer that there is a king of the universe there is a creator and that he's involved in our lives and to realize that if there indeed is a creator if the indeed is a king that we serve him and therefore it's not about my need my want my interpretation of the world it's about his blueprint for the world it's about his vision for the world it's about how he designed and created the world in the cabal al-atsumo and though we accept upon ourselves that first act of bittor is to realize the yoke of heaven upon ourselves my life is about serving him he doesn't serve me my life is about submitting and surrendering to him gam kishes and negedratsu knows who i really want to eat that but god says it's not good for me not physically spiritually it will corrupt it will compromise me i really want to look at that god says that's not good for you to gaze at to look at but i really believe the world should function this way my philosophy my attitude my felt on chung is different god says that's not the total way of life the torah for the torah vision this is how i created the world i know i am the creator the programmer the designer the manufacturer it's my world but i really want to go there do this eat that doesn't matter are we willing to be me vatel or ratzon so no are we willing to nullify what we want for what he wants for us because what he wants for us comes from a much higher place a much broader vision a much more perfect want oh madre goes unique bitter but kabbalah's old so level number one of bitl net level number one of submitting surrendering to god is to realize that what i want will not always be compatible with what he wants for me what happens when the rubber meets the road what happens when there's that tension in that moment what happens this can be true in the area of halacha in the area of jewish law and the area of jewish law can be how i spend my shabbos it could be the rules of kasras could be business dealings it could be in so many aspects or areas of life it's incompatible what he wants or asks of me with what i want so what do i do in that moment what do i do in that in that conflict and in that tension am i asking god to bend to defer to me or am i willing to bend to submit to surrender to defer to him that says everything about me the famous footnote 4 talks about religion is submission though we think religion is about it's about him religion is about spirituality and singing and song in this mirrors it's about a sunset and religion has all of that and it is geshmak it feels good and religion moves me and religion fills me and religion is spiritual and beautiful but sometimes it's going to demand and ask for submission sometimes i want to do this but god says no what happens when god says no when it's incompatible am i going to ask god to defer to me or do i defer to him if i ask god to surrender to me then am i really serving him to begin with am i really in a relationship with him am i really in a relationship with him or am i using him as a means to pursue my vision and my perspective of the world so bitter bacabala's old do i accept that kabbalah's old kabbalah soul can come in a minor fashion which means that i want to eat this but god says that haksha is no good or you can't eat it right now you're felix or whatever it is and kabbalah soul bitter can come in a enormously consequential way where god sometimes says no to it fella when a person is diving for a loved one to have a recovery and the answer was no person davin's for fertility person dominance for a shadow of a person for that particular job and the answer is no and in that moment we're asked submit surrender accept that there is a master plan that there is a purpose that nothing is random that god is in charge stick with him and attach herself to him in that first level the lowest level the first step the first rung on the ladder a person continues to feel their independent identity the person knows i am who i am i exist independent of god but i also recognize his position his his existence that there is a king of kings there's a reborn shalom is a master of the universe there's an omnipotent infinite all-perfect all-knowing providential god and i exist and he exists we're categorically different and in a conflict between our two wants our desires i defer i submit i integrate mine i mold mine to conform with his at that level who's he merits to know to live she merits to know or live that there's a manig there is a driver and i'm a passenger there's a king and i serve him who knows so that first lowest level is to make space for god to make space for god that me i my sense of i my sense of ego my sense of honor does not flood and fill the universe everything is about me you know the narcissist syndrome which exists both those who have been clinically diagnosed and many have amateur armchair diagnosed people around them that they see and know to be narcissists every conversation's about them everything has to be the way they want it everything is about their micromanaging their power their control they are at the center of the whole universe the world according to them they're always the victim they're always the damaged party they're always the one who needs to be deferred to they're always in charge such a person such a person thinks they're the center of the universe ego edging god out there's no malcolm there's no space there's no room for god so the lowest level is to do a gut check the lowest level is to once in a while stop and evaluate and measure have i made space have i made room for god have i made room for god and how do i know if i've made room for god is god involved in my life how do i know because i look and i see what happens when i want to do one thing and god wants me to do another does it always go my way if it always gives my way then i have an ego and i've edged god out but sometimes i'm willing to all the time i'm willing to when there is that conflict not make it go my way which by the way again critically important reminder what god asks of me is for me not him so when i make it go god's way i'm not in fact doing something that's not good for me and deferring to what's right for him all that god asks me for me is for me but anyway that said so do i make a space do i make room it's the same in relationships on that 10 tips for parents of those in shidduchim this other podcast i recorded also had to do with dating and shidduchim what to look for in dates what are red flags and i said i'm not an expert by any measure by any definition but in my experience as a married person as a parent of a married married children and as a rav who does a significant amount of marriage counseling what to look for in dating is the question that was posed to me was is it okay to disagree disagreement's healthy or debate disagreement different opinions does a couple have to be entirely the same in sync ultimate compatibility that they never disagree i said disagreements are part of the natural order the gemara khazal tell us the same way that we have no no two people of the same dna we don't have the same face we know the same facial features we're on the same appearance the same way that god designed and created us to look different he also designed and created us to think differently we have different personalities and we have different filters and vision through which we view the world we have different opinions and of course within dating within marriage within life there has to be some level of compatibility in hashgaffe in lifestyle but there will be disagreements you like flake shakes let's rephrase that you like milks and i like flake shakes you like vanilla and i like chocolate you like this and i like that you like how do we navigate those differences so my answer was the difference is there's nothing wrong not only is there nothing wrong it's natural for them to be there and a couple who act like they have no differences are in fact living in a relationship which is in black and white not in color it's not dynamic it's not vibrant it's not alive it's not there's no room for passion and romance it's the differences and the way you navigate and negotiate them that create the love the bond in marriage that create the up and down and the vibrancy of marriage what we do need to look for what is a red flag is do we have a healthy discussion does the other party have an interest in hearing what i have to say do they make space and room for me to have an opinion do they validate do they acknowledge do they follow through or do they interrupt do they shut me down do they close me off is it always their way am i never allowed to have an opinion am i not dignified to have my own position those are the red flags that's what need to be looked for so the same what's true in a relationship is nothing wrong with sometimes things not being entirely the same but what happens when there are those differences is it the others person is it their way or the highway do they not dignify with a difference do they willing to listen they interrupt and so on so do we make a mockum do we make space the first bittle is the bittle of kabbalah's old the bittle of simply a concession a submission admitting there is a god there is a king of the universe i am not the king and you are not the queen that we are here in this world we have a mission we have a purpose we are here we have duty we responsibility we have obligation it's not about what we could take it's about what we give it's not about what he owes us it's about what we owe him it's not about what we want it's about his vision for us so this first level this lowest level is where many of us are it's where many of us start which is i exist i recognize my existence i feel i have a healthy ego i really know what i want and i pursue it and i have drive for it but i also make space and have room for god for the king of kings and when what he wants is in conflict with what i want i'm willing to defer i'm willing to submit i'm willing to recognize that it is that i have to defer to what he wants that is all level number one let's start with level number two it's what's called bittel bemidos so we're trying to climb that ladder first level is i exist and i have a healthy self-confidence and i know i exist independent of god i have a place here in this universe i know what my wants are i know who i am but i also recognize make space and when necessary defer to him level 2. the second level is the madriga that applies to this those of service of god of those who love god and those who serve god we have such recognition in the existence of god viera vidvacus it doesn't remain cognitive it's not just upstairs it's not just when i have a yomiun it's not just that when we have a day that we analyze and study we the bible codes the evidence of god's existence philosophy 101 advanced philosophy so then yes i come to the conclusion i read permission to believe and permission to receive and i read every book of the evidence of god's existence and i've come to the conclusion he exists there's a space for him when necessary i deferred him now level number two is not only do i know cognitively intellectually rationally that god exists that knowledge filters down into my heart and into my soul and it generates feelings it generates connection it generates love and it generates awe and it generates my desire to cling to him to stick to him it generates passion and romance and desire it generates an emotional connection and yearning for god so there are those who walk around and if you sit them down and stop them and ask them about god they can have an intellectual conversation for these reasons this is the evidence i believe god exists and therefore i try to follow his laws follow his rules to further him in my life but is there a love affair is there awe is there a healthy dose even of fear of your sauna is there vegas do you cling to him do you think about him is he in the room with you do you consider are you driven to give him that's level number two so there we are we submit we surrender a piece of who we are we submit and surrender a piece of our emotion we give god our heart and we give god our soul um you know back in the old days you would pin somebody you'd give them your heart you'd give them your letter so do we give god our letter do we give god do we pin him do we give god our heart not only to say god i recognize your right to exist i could have people in my life that i recognize the right to exist i don't love them i don't have all of them and i'm not seeking to cling to them yes they exist and yes i have a keen awareness of their existence and their role their influence in my life but that's as far as it goes that's level number one level number two kicking it up a notch getting it to that next level advancing and progressing is not only to intellectually know but then to have a connection a genuine real connection uh madrigal nick ray's bitter bemidos this is bittel this is giving god by heart nullifying bittle i'm giving in my heart i'm giving a piece of my soul i'm giving god a piece of my kishkas i'm giving god my emotions bitto bemidos in this level a person enters into being tied emotionally tied to god emotionally invested in the relationship with god one can be intellectually invested in a relationship with god but there's a level of being emotionally invested you know we walk around many in the certain community we'll call it the modern orthodox community and i'm not going to get into right now my article or my feelings or how i define i don't apologize for of course the parts of my life that are defined or compatible or consistent with the philosophy of modern orthodoxy but i'm not limited by that definition i wrote a whole article about that but sometimes we pride ourselves in being academic scholarly in using fancy words like ontological and axiological and eschatological and everything fancy word about religion and what we've done is we've generated an atmosphere of an intellectual religion of an intellectual connection with god and that's nothing wrong with that that's beautiful and in some ways that enriches however is that at the expense of an emotional relationship with god of the emotional relationship with god the intellectual component should supplement and complement it should enrich but i think the core the foundation this level two has to be the emotional relationship the emotional connection a living a breathing god a god i talk to a god i'm grateful towards a god i answer to a god i'm connected with a god i confide in are we willing are we intellectually invested academically invested or are we emotionally invested god is not external to my life but he's part and parcel of my life he comes with me everywhere i go when i'm home when i'm on medication when i'm in shul when i'm at work i have a love and i cling to him i'm connected to him i can't stop thinking about him he's bob he's part of my calculation of life there's an emotional connection so even here too on the second level they're still in ex i exist he exists like i exist and my wife exists but i love her and i think about her and i want her to be happy and i cling to her i'm connected to her and my heart skips a beat when her name comes up on the caller id so i exist and god exists but i'm emotionally connected with him so level one and level two we'll stop here but level one and level two in both of these first two levels i have an independent existence from god level one i just recognize his right to exist it's intellectual he is the king i carve space for him and when there's conflict i defer to him level two is not just intellectual rational i've studied about him there's evidence for him therefore i make space for him and i defer him but i love him there's passion there's romance there's dynamism there's an actual relationship so i still exist and he exists but there's passion there's a relationship between and we'll get to next week is the third is i actually nullify myself i actually submit and surrender and integrate my very sense of self into him the bitter i have no ego there is no i there is no i there is just god and i am an expression of him but there is no i independent of him we will begin with that hashem next week again if you'd like to sponsor a particular sheer made it easier than ever beerusonline.org sponsor brsonline.org slash sponsor you can choose the date you can write the language you can make the payment all conveniently in one place thank you again to the morgans for sponsoring the series for the year and wishing everybody a fantastic day stay happy stay healthy and