Living With Emunah (Part 197): We are Just an Instrument

good morning welcome back to living with emunah our wednesday gathering to remind ourselves that we don't exist on our own we're not independent but rather there's a creator of the almighty ribonus there is no one in nothing but him that he loves us he's invested in our lives and that our lives are so much richer and better when he is in it i want to thank our generous sponsors for the year dr xavier and bella morgan in memory of rabbi dr brian galbet and in memory of dr ellen shanzer thank you so much to the morgans for their generous sponsorship if you'd like to sponsor a future share or episode of living with the moon please email li lee at brsonline.org we are learning ravicha meyer morgenstern's by amd we continue to make our way through the chapter on bittle the notion or the quality of how to nullify our sense of selves how to not think of ourselves think less of ourselves but think of ourselves less often to be vata to surrender to submit to recognize we're not in charge we're not in control we're not to blame we're not to take pride or credit but to realize that we do our best we do the most with what we have we recognize and appreciate the gifts that we've been given and ultimately we surrender we submit to hakuras to the almighty the third step of the 12-step program we spoke about last week within the recovery world the notion that there is a higher power and only when a person realizes that i cannot i cannot on my own i need him i rely on him i lean on him i submit and surrender to him that is when we are able to conquer that's when we're able to take on the world and all that it will confront all that it will challenge us with we're in the middle of a long footnote on page nun isle of page 51 in beyond i try to share with you the emunah stories that you our beloved listeners and watchers share with me it strengthens us the stories themselves not only the torah content not only the deep meaning and ideas but the actual stories so a woman in our shul i ran into actually shared with me an amazing story i said i haven't seen you in so long how are you and she said listen to what happened to me she had been going for a walk in the park near our shul with her husband and she fell flat on her face she passed out out of nowhere absolutely passed out lost consciousness fell flat on her face so much so she had to get braces on her teeth in order to repair teeth nearby walking by was a cardiologist in our community cardiothoracic surgeon who saw what happened they came over to her of course checked on her made sure she was okay when she came to but said i saw the whole thing happen you didn't trip and you didn't fall and you didn't fade from dehydration i saw what happened and i'm pretty sure that you need a pacemaker i'm pretty sure it's a cardiac problem and you need to solve it she ran to the hospital low and behold it's exactly what she needed and thank god she had the procedure she's doing well and essentially he saved her life here's the amazing thing he never he was coming back from shul but he never goes to that minion for whatever reason that day he woke up in the morning and chose to attend the minion that would end at exactly the right time that he would be passing by when she had this episode once she passed out so she said look at the greatness the graciousness of god look at the kindness of hashem of the almighty who put him in the exact right place when she needed it to be able to give her the advice to diagnose her problem to be able to save her life and to be able to help her hashem is absolutely amazing thank you hashem okay back to bianda richard morgenstern so we've been learning about the media of bitl the notion that when a person realizes they're in the presence of greatness we can be so immersed in what we're doing so entranced by whom we're with that we don't think of ourselves at all in the context and the presence in the practice of what we're doing we don't think of ourselves there is no i there is no ego we can forget to eat or drink we can forget that we exist we so surrender and submit to being in the presence of that one to being in the presence of that thing to be engaged in that activity we relate to it we've talked about it countless times when one is following some form of recreation entertainment person is so lost on that plot and the unpredictability of how the sporting event will end that a person cannot even think they don't even realize something about themselves so halawa a person is such an awareness person is living with such a sense of the greatness of god as hashem he created the entire world nothing here is coincidental the details the minutia the magnificence of this world all testify they are a testament to the greatness of god i feel his greatness and in that presence i'm in nothing not i'm a nothing bittel means that i don't realize what are my talents and skills what i can offer the world it means i recognize them i identify them i realize them and now i channel them and now i use them in the pursuit of god's vision for me not on my own so in this footnote that we began again on page nun alef we're in the first chapter by um we are on page nun alef and in this footnote ravicha meyer has been telling us the following that when a person is margin when a person really feels not academically and not intellectually and not just conceptually or theoretically but when a person truly feels that i'm in the presence of god who is so great that there is no i there is no me i submit i surrender entirely to him it also is a very very protective measure first of all protects us from being arrogant to realize whatever gifts or talents we have they are unknown they're not part of our permanent collection we cannot take credit for them they are from god protects us from being envious why would i be jealous why would i be envious i have what is destined what is designed for me protects me from getting angry why would i ever fly off the handle why would i get angry even when something doesn't go my way or the way i want it to go why would i get angry i have to recognize this is the way hashem planned it is a yo servio we know it intellectually we know that god takes up he is the entire universe he lets us live the illusion that we exist independent from him but really we are all only in his imagination but to feel that to know it is one thing to feel it to palpably feel it is different to get to the point that there is no one and there is nothing but him if i eat and i drink and i sleep if i exercise if i laugh if i have fun if i take vacation if i all else i'm doing is in the context of being of service to him why am i in this world why did he create this world why did he put it in me it would put me in it what is his plan for me what difference am i meant to make taina shalom a person has to not get bent out of shape after what happened it's not that we go through a challenging time a person's stocks went down a person lost a job a person goes through a terrible terrible challenge in life whether it's in the quest for fertility or the quest to find their up to find their significant other or whether it's in a career or whether it's in their own spiritual growth or whether it's in their own health or mental health it's not that you wait for the crisis or catastrophe and afterwards part of the way that you find support is to see it in the context of bitter that i nullify myself to god i submit surrender and therefore i now have what it takes to persevere it's that even when going through it to begin with mithrila when encountering it when going through it that's your feeling that's your feeling last week i was having a meeting in one of our local local restaurants and there was uh somebody who was talking to me somebody stopped by the table was talking to me and at that point turned and when they turned they knocked into a waitress and when they knocked into the waitress who was carrying a scalding hot cup of coffee the waitress accidentally of course spilled the scalding hot cup of coffee directly on the arm of the individual who had been turning to me you saw the steam was without exaggeration you saw the steam coming off of his arm hot coffee all over his arm on his pant leg and you saw the steam coming off and the whole area the whole restaurant went as they saw it what would he say how would he react was he okay how would she feel and you know what he did he raised that scolding arm in the air the arm with the steam coming out of it and he said and he said gamsula tova he screamed out gamsula tova this is also for the good this was meant from hashem it was that waitress's first day on the job she was a little bit nervous she obviously felt absolutely horrible and this very special sad like this very special person told her it's not your fault it's my fault i turned it happens to everyone and they gave her great advice which is a great lesson by the way in how to try to help someone through a hard time he said to her this is the best thing that ever happened now you got it out of the way you don't have to start your career in this industry and worry when will you first spill coffee on someone you got out of the way the first day now smooth sailing from here and he made her feel much more comfortable it was a generous magnanimous thing that he did and he had uh i actually had to meet with him a couple days later about something altogether different asked him how his arm was and he showed me the red marks how probably first or second degree burns on his arm and yet because he was working on this quality of bittle he actually demonstrated it it was on display i wish i could get the security camera from the restaurant and be able to share it he put his arm in the air with the steam coming at him and he said gamsula tova anod this is also from hashem that's what a victor meyer says we're capable of if i didn't see that with my own eyes last friday morning i would say maybe we're capable of we're capable of in theory we're capable of in potential but i saw it with my own eyes i saw it with my own eyes we have that capacity not only after the fact when we're trying to how do we absorb and integrate how do we make sense and understand how do we find the strength to persevere and endure oh let's embrace amuna oh let's lean in and try bitter let's submit and surrender let's go right to that third step and see if it helps while we're going through it we have the ability mitrila while actually going through it if a person hurts you injures you i don't mean by accident with a cup of coffee i mean in business i mean in friendship i mean in social circles i mean in life somebody injures you someone harms you someone hurts you madrigus as it's not that first you're insulted and you're hurt and then you calm yourself down with the concept of a muna de shayikanis but rather to begin with you say i'm not going to be hurt i'm not going to be insulted sashem's plan this is what hashem intended as many agents and god has many ambassadors they come in the form of a waitress they come in the form of a business associate or client they come in the form of someone who supposedly was a neighbor or friend shlokum got as many agents so when something happens we can be distracted we can absolutely lose focus by concentrating only on who was the messenger or we can think about who sent the message and what has it meant for me there is no one else there is no party who injured me now again if somebody hurt you they bang into your car you have a right to kick their insurance information you have a right to be compensated and made whole financially we have something called a based in we have a proper place to go to adjudicate to resolve conflict but it means emotionally it means spiritually it means in our hashikafa to not be consumed and fixated to not perseverate on who was the one and getting even and i got to stop them but realize that was from above that was from hashem it couldn't happen if it wasn't by design so what am i meant to learn how am i meant to improve how am i meant to change how am i meant to take it on maybe i have to meet with someone maybe i have to engage someone maybe i have to repair something there could be there's an action item for me to do but as i am absorbing it spiritually as i might i am experiencing it i don't have to first be devastated hurt and traumatized and then say oh yeah i go to i listen to the amunisher now i'll calm myself down and engage yamuna but we can all get to that point we get to the point that the literal or metaphorical hot cup of coffee spilled on us that we could yell gamsulitova i don't know why i don't know how but gums even this is for the good and even this is from hashem now i'm going to put ice on my arm now i'm going to try to heal the burn now i'm going to try to make the waitress to do this accidentally feel better and even if a person did it on purpose maybe their actions maybe there are things i need to do compensated to be mid-whole to reconcile to repair but as i experience it it's only ain't odd melvado there's nothing but god what am i meant to learn how am i meant to grow the chamois that just like every quality every area of growth there are many levels and we can't skip steps if you try to skip a step you trip and you fall try to skip a step toro tells us you run up the ramp you reveal your nakedness because it's corrupt it's hollow can't skip steps so just like every area of a voda every area of personal growth spiritual growth incremental steps slowly but this is the goal this is the end game even when you're going integrally even when you're going step by step if you're training for a marathon tonight behind the beam at nine o'clock betty deutsch record winning marathon winner even when you're training i don't know this from personal experience but i understand when you're training for a marathon you don't start out by running the full length of the marathon down incrementally slowly but you start backwards you know when the marathon date is you know how many miles you need to be ready to run and now you can train we know what the matara you know what the game is the goal is to live with a clear and precise sense that everything is from above and that i submit and i surrender and this is the way it was meant to be don't fight it don't resist it what do you need to do what initiatives you need to take how do you need to improve but don't resist the will of god all i see is god so i don't say well i guess i'm sick i meant to be sick you go to a doctor of course we're not suggesting one should become passive a spectator fatalistic what we're saying is that even as i take my initiative but emotionally and spiritually i understand whatever initiative i must take i'm doing in the context of this is all from the very bonus room i go to the doctor but while waiting for the diagnosis the test result while going through whatever therapy taking whatever medicine there has to be the recognition anode malvado bittel i submit surrender and it's only when i put myself in your arms it's only when you carry me from place to place that i can endure the year of a yargesh baby to see and to feel with a decisive clarity how the whole creation this entire world and everything in it are caleb they are utensils they are simply instruments and vehicles for god to interact with us so god could use a cat or a lizard or an iguana god could use a person god could use wind or sun or rain god could use the stock market there is no shortage and there is no end to the agents that god could employ they named they're not doing it on their own just like the iguana just like the squirrel just like the bolt of lightning the sunshine the wind just like if a boiler would break and flood what are you gonna get angry at the boiler you're gonna take it out on the boiler you're gonna start to feel i'm so hurt by the boiler i don't know how to bring it up moved me to tears after all i did for that boiler can you believe the boiler is hurting me boy is an inanimate object the same attitude we have to inanimate objects says meyer we should have all all people all objects all forces of nature to everything colibria all of creation and all of the world are agents and ambassadors carrying out god's will i have to react i have to respond i take initiative don't be passive don't be fatalistic but as i do it just like i got to replace my boiler i got to clean up the flood of the water that spilled that overflowed into the garage or into whatever room i've got to replace the boiler and i've got to clean up but i don't get bent out of shape i don't lose my cool i don't punch the boiler i don't call it a name i don't get angry i don't feel hurt similarly everything in life leos in order to make room for god in order to allow him to overflow in order for him to fill our whole universe we have to be with something we have to be willing to let go of our ego to let go of our ego in recovery community it's all about the ego ego gets in the way why did i say that why did i insist on that why did i go there why was i tempted impulsively to do that ego how do you check the ego how are we constantly evaluating and re-evaluating reflecting and re-reflecting on why am i doing that because if it's ego it will lead to no good but if i let go of my ego if i surrender my yacis my sense of self my very existence and i realize i am an instrument of god others are an instrument of god towards me this doesn't all lead by the way and i and i have to express this because i know why someone could mistakenly conclude based on what we're learning that what god with torah whatever meyer are suggesting is that a jewish or a total way of life is one of misery just surrender just accept whatever happens just be of service don't have joy don't have happiness don't have life don't have pleasure that's not what he's saying we learned half an hour ago medicine on wednesday mornings but we learn similarly the goals to get high on god listening the word means pleasure feel pleasure get high on god that's the goal that's the mission that's why he created us but the point is what do i get high on by my ego am i getting high on things that feed my ego is my ego getting high or do i get high on letting go all the research will show you that you'll actually find more happiness more pleasure a greater high not a not a high from substance but a greater genuine high from being of service to others volunteering giving you know there's one research they took two groups they brought them to the mall gave each some money to one group they said go buy something small for yourself to the other group they said go buy something small that you're going to give to another they measured people's angst anxiety happiness levels before and they measured after and what do you think they found who was a happier group who let go of more anxiety and worry who had more pleasure the one who spent a little bit on themselves or the one who spent a little bit on others not surprisingly the answer was the one who spent a little bit on others the countless studies that one of the ways to try to tackle depression to climb out of sadness and despondency not to go shopping at the mall not to take a vacation not to allow lounge by the pool volunteer go to a soup kitchen go habitat for humanity go chesterton go volunteer because getting out of oneself getting out of one's ego getting out of one's insatiable appetite for pleasure that's when you make contact with the divine in you and that's when you most feel alive and happiness again don't take any of my word for it we live in a gifted time called google go google go research on your own don't take for granted don't take my word so when we learn bitter the notion of submission and surrender to god is not in order to deplete or distract or take away from our happiness it's actually the most direct route to it the fastest way you'll get there how many people you know who are consumed by pursuing pleasure and they never get there they're the most unhappy they have to numb themselves with addiction to those substances it's when you let go and let god it's when you submit and surrender it's when you realize it's not all about me what difference can i make in this world yes i could still enjoy the finest parts of life and the great pleasures god designed into it but how can i be of service to him and to the people around me how can i let go and realize i'm not in charge i'm not in control how do i feel his presence so much so consuming so encompassing there is no me compared to him there is no my ego compared to what he wants to think and to do this throughout the day you're confused there's a dilemma it's a complicated decision to make pray on it hashem help me give me some clarity to when there's a decision to make to ask ourselves what does hashem want me to do in this moment what would give hashem the greatest if i stay up and watch this if i go to sleep if i do this activity if i go there what will make hashem the most proud not about my ego not about my mission not about my agenda what's on his agenda for me today now on his agenda could be a wonderful lunch a beautiful dinner a great barbecue anna's agenda could be spating around the mall window shopping on his agenda for me could be taking a sporting event or exercising a round of golf or a game of mahjon it's not to suggest his agenda will never have fun or recreation his agenda almost always will have it because he designed us that it's what we need but are we doing it because we've asked ourselves is it on his agenda not ours is it about our ego or bittle are we willing to submit and to surrender we have to be willing to let go this chapter i doubt riveter meyer ever attended or read up on what happens in recovery but it's exactly that community who are tackling so admirably their challenges it's exactly exactly the notion of let go let god of submit and surrender it's possible it is possible it's not easy and we have to grow you could run a marathon you got to start out by taking a few steps you got to start out by walking and then jogging and then running you'll get there it is possible to live life where we submit and surrender to him and our lives will be so much richer and so much better when we do it's possible um and as we take every action don't think we're doing it alone we're only doing it because god allows it he partners with it and not we therefore don't deserve honor for it whatever achievement whatever accomplishment don't have an ego don't walk around arrogantly with honor it's all him it's a gift from him wow i just made contact with the divine i had great mazel god was good to me business is good my relationships are good my family's healthy everything is good that's not a reason to take pride to feel arrogant to walk around and say give me honor look at me i'm successful look at me the deals i've closed look at me the family i've raised look at me the volunteer positions i have look at me the difference i've made rather we should recognize what a gift with a bracha what an absolute bracha from hashem hashem wow the deal went through hashem can be found here i look and i have healthy children shhh hashem can be found here i have a happy life a happy marriage a happy hashem can be found here for who's that osavan iraqi low i'm his instrument i'm his vehicle while there was success there was success in this community project this was a successful drasha or article this was a successful endeavor it's not me it's not me it's hashem hashem and i'll tell you something personal i'll tell you something personal every week i need a little break and i can't wait to take it starting after our class is next week but every week bar hashem the greatest greatest privilege and pleasure in life to teach torah to write torah to share torah but i'll tell you i live every week i live every day knowing that it's really about his generosity when i open the safer and we start learning together will the words flow will the ideals ideas and metaphors be available and accessible to me when i sit down for a drusha will i find the vort quickly will the perfect story come across my desk when i want to write do i have an idea do i bang it out quickly or do i sit over it because i just can't make it flow i don't take credit for it that's not me and the way i know that is from one day and one week to the next this time it went so easy hashem gave me the whole package opening story the great joke the torah he gave me the perfect article he allowed the perfect metaphor to come to my mind and other days strike out other days it just wasn't there other days just don't feel it so anyone who could get arrogant to think i'm a great speaker i'm a great writer it's all me i'm changing lives it's not us it's not us cli we are a cli we're an instrument we're a utensil we're a vehicle whatever reason hashem has given me the privilege and pleasure at least for this time to put words in my mouth to put words in my fingertips to type to write to share he could stop doing it he could take it back it's on loan it's not permanent collection he can make it go quickly and easily and be effective and successful he can make it fail he can make it flop and it's true for every one of you whatever you're in in life whether at home with family or whether at work professionally if it flows comes easily other times it comes difficultly with difficulty and the answer is because it was never us we are the vehicle we are the instrument we are the agent but it's really all from hashem we should live with that awareness it should humble us it should bring a happiness it should relieve anxiety it should prevent us from ever getting angry so that this isn't just a coping mechanism it's not just you know let's do this because it's the opium of the masses but rather it's true there is a god anode melvado and he runs the entire world and when we submit and surrender to him our lives are so much better um and if you can merit to live with this if you can scream gamatova when the steam is coming off your arm because you realize you are an agent in that moment for the whole restaurant to see how you would react you were the agent to see would you make the waitress feel better would you make a kiddish hashem and marabek for him that everyone saw wow there's somebody living with bittel charlavaros wonder of wonders it's indescribable to live this life to achieve this level and we're saved from all the negativity in this world living with bitto submit and surrender it's all him it's not me i've got my mission i've got my charge i've got my cause i've got my marching orders i know what i've got to do to make a difference here but but it's not me we can be spared and saved from guyva which is so pernicious guyva which is so poisonous arrogance which absolutely sabotages relationships arrogance sabotages material success arrogant sabotages judgment arrogance sabotages health arrogant sabotages connection with hashem the number one wedge or barrier from feeling close to god is arrogance arrogance is the number one driver of anger sadness the arrogant person doesn't say in that moment must be god there's a message let me work on let me think let me figure it out arrogance leads to the three behaviors that remove a person from the world arrogance leads to the behaviors that absolutely violate the reason that we were created kinah taiva and kavod they leave to envy and to lust and to honor they take us out of this world vitov focus on the good and the blessing and the gifts that we have recognize where they come from remain rooted to god who expresses himself in us and as we discussed in the past when we practice bitter when we nullify ourselves we are actually nullifying ourselves to ourselves because this is because there's the godly soul in the godly spirit in us we're nullifying ourselves to the best of ourselves don't think of it if i need to submit and surrender but don't i deserve what about me the answer is submit and surrender to the best version of you so tell them hello kim and you not to the the negative version pick up tonight 9pm behind the bema beattie deutsch learn her story her emuna her faith her sneeze her modesty in every which way hope you join us tonight and we'll continue next week is the last week of classes before our summer break so please make a note if you still like to sponsor you could always be in touch with leah petersonline and if you'll want to know when we're back the easiest and best way if you've not yet if you've not yet subscribed subscribe to our youtube channel and you will be notified every time we go live you'll know we're back with our programs our learning our conversations and so until next time stay happy stay healthy and stay holy