Living With Emunah (Part 194): Checking Our Ego

good morning welcome back to living with emunah hope everyone had a beautiful and a wonderful and uplifting and an inspiring and an enriching shavuous great to be back together again taking the experience of revelation at sinai that we had the last two days and carrying it forward to live with emunah each and every day i want to thank our generous sponsors the living with emunah series for the year dr xavier and bella morgan in memory of dr brian galbit and in memory of bella's mother dr ellen shanzer thank you so much for your generosity it's truly greatly appreciated if you'd like to sponsor a particular share of living with ammuna or any of our other shiram you can email lee at brsonline.org l-e-e at brsonline.org okay i want to continue with uh something new uh we were learning in bay um morgenstern we were learning his um chapters on vegas on clinging to hashem and feeling his presence in our life attaching ourselves to him realizing he's always involved he's always invested he's always watching which is both a source of support and also a source of accountability in our lives i want to move over really backwards in the safer to an earlier chapter that he has on the concept of mahusa the notion of bittle the notion of trying to nullify our sense of self trying to think of ourselves less not think less of ourselves but think of ourselves less bitter is to nullify the ego you know ego it has been said that ego is an acronym for edging god out the more that we express the more that we emphasize our ego the more that we satisfy and we pursue our ego the more we feed and nourish our ego we edge god out there isn't enough room both for us and the ribonus alone for us and the almighty are we serving him are we expecting him to serve us are we meeting his needs or are we demanding that he meet ours are we interpreting the world according to his infinite omnipotent view or are we asking him to conform with our finite limited view of the world ego when our ego gets in the way we edge god out ego leads to arrogance and envy and anxiety ego leads to all these uh terrible qualities whereas a life of a munna a life of faith a life of belief in god leads to calm and tranquility satisfaction it leads to a life of happiness and so raviche meyer introduces us to the concept the importance the emphasis on bitter on that quality on that capacity that doesn't mean to erase or neglect who we are what we're meant to do in this world a person has to live and say bishvilinev the entire world was created just for me it would have been worthwhile for the almighty to have created this entire world and everything in it just for me for my purpose for my mission for why i am here so a person shouldn't think of themselves think less of themselves as if they're insignificant or inconsequential or they don't make a difference for shalom god forbid the caduceus labor of libyatric or baddicher says this was mistake this was the failure of noah noah was he didn't ascend he didn't go into the tava mikatnayamunarashi says he was small of faith which some interpret to mean he waited for it to rain he didn't believe god when god said he was bringing a mob of flood he didn't get into the tava just on the instructions of god he waited to actually see the rain because he had a failure a crisis of faith but caduceus labor of libya itself says no means noah didn't believe in his ability to transform the world no i thought who am i what difference do i make do i really matter would the world notice if i weren't here what is my capacity what is my capability what difference can i really make in the world katneyamuna not he lacked amunah in god he lacked amunah in himself the priet sadak ravshaddhika koin of lublin says that a jew is obligated to have two ammuna a dual amount a dual faith in life we have to have faith in god but because each of us is an expression of god we also have to have faith in ourselves god has faith in us god your faith in me is great how do i know that because i woke up this morning so the notion of bitter the idea of trying to nullify our ego is not about seeing ourselves as insignificant or inconsequential that's a mistake it's a malady that is an illness that is a violation of our very purpose and having been created we have to have a muna god believes in us we should believe in ourselves god understands the impact we can have we have to recognize the difference that we could make we cannot follow the footsteps of noah being a munna of being small or diminished or compromised in our faith in our muna in ourselves we have to know who we are and what we're capable of our mission and of the difference that we can make but that is not in contradiction to bitter the idea of bitter is to be aware of our ego and to try to break our ego to try to squash or quell our ego and to not allow our ego to drive us to not allow our ego to influence our decision-making to not allow our ego to overcome to not allow most importantly our ego to edge god out because the person is driven by their ego person who flies off the handle gets angry because other people don't act the way they want person who's arrogant and things that they're all that person is envious who thinks why do you have what you have i deserve it i deserve more all such people all such people have edged god out and leave unhappy lives lead unhappy lives those are the three things the mission and perceivers tell us these three things remove a person from the world what are they kenneth and kavod envy and following one's lust and desires indiscriminately and the pursuit of honor all of them at their root is ego so a person who lives life listening to their ego following their ego concerned with satisfying their ego mutinas it removes a person from the world it absolutely violates the very reason that we are here so we should believe in ourselves because there's a telling of kim there's a godly soul god is in us there's a peace of god manifest in us so we should believe in ourselves because we believe in god we should believe in our capability and capacity we should believe in the difference that we can make but at the same time bitter nullifying the ego and making sure that we are not driven by our ego they're not a contradiction but rather they work together very very beautifully tonight i'm behind the bhima we have the great privilege we're going to be hosting we're going to be interviewing rabbi grossman ray grossman is known as the disco rabbi because this hasidah shayd from maya sharam in his youth went to migdala amec an entirely secular city and uh didn't compromise his hasidis garb his hasidis ways and transformed the city today is the chief rabbi and he built mig dal or this network of of homes and organization for young people he has 22 000 graduates and another 10 or 12 000 who are there right now and he's a living legend he's an absolutely extraordinary person it's like david gross from the disco rabbi so tonight you'll hear him on behind the beam at 9 00 pm we'll interview him and will ask how did this young hasidis a jew from may shaaram who didn't even know that there were jews outside of maesharam how did he have the confidence and how did he have the drive and the vision to go transform a city and to go transform the lives of 30 000 young people where'd that come from in him who were his sources of inspiration how did he get it done and how did he do it but it starts with his believing in himself if a person says it's someone else's problem let someone else take care of it let someone else solve it i'm not smart enough i'm not charismatic enough i'm not creative enough i'm not a good enough orator i can't get it done then a person could be violating the very reason that they're here every one of us is here for a reason for a mission to believe in god is to believe that god is in us and to believe in ourselves so bittel the quality we're going to study right now in our victor mary morgan's turn in this quality of bitter is not in contradiction to the belief in ourselves and in our capacity but rather it's trying to have a little less ego we're living in a world where our egos are inflated we struggle every day we struggle every day social media tries to convince us post more about yourself post more pictures of yourself you want to be an influencer to be an influencer you want people to see what you're wearing and how you do your hair and where you go and what your dessert looks like and what's happening in your life share share share put a spotlight on yourself more more and more and social media is the platform that promotes and encourages that not only that platform whatsapp all the platforms technology as a whole and we have to be much more judicious and much more careful scrutinizing to be connectors not promoters how can we use these gifts of technology to uplift to inspire but not in a way that's feeding our ego can we behave ourselves and yet teach i struggle with this all the time as a public personality and trying to teach and write and post inspirational thoughts you have to ask yourself you have to have good people around you who keep you in check whether you want it or not to make sure that what you're doing is to advance god's cause and his brand and not your own that's bitter how do you practice bittel in the age of technology is it complicated thing we'll speak about it as we learn this chapter so we're on page memrise page 48 in biamdi and rivitra meyer morgenstern's wonderful wonderful book and he has an introduction to bittel and he talks about its importance rabbi mode is many of those who serve god faithfully and who toil in his torah genuinely margin we feel in the ms even though we're trying very hard i learned the daffy me and min and mishna yomi in the and i come to shul and i make minion and many people who dive in at home women who aren't able to make sure they dive in at home and they say tell them when they volunteer for khasid and they're doing and they're acting with sneakers we're doing everything check check check check check down the whole list all the building blocks about what it means to be inevitable we're trying really really hard and yet but nevertheless not feeling it the way we hoped the way we dreamt the way we aspired i want to be on fire i want to be feeling it in my kishkas in my bones i want to be elevated and spiritual and we're doing all the right things and yet sometimes it doesn't seem to be adding up or resulting in living the right life and feeling the way that we want or dream to feel yes arose some say i'm doing all the right things i dive into stuck i'm doing all the right things and yet i'm still struggling struggling not to get angry struggling not to feel envious or struggling not to be arrogant i'm struggling not to look at the wrong things or say the wrong things or listen to the wrong things vietnamese some miscables and some say i'm doing all the right things i learned the amunisher i subscribe to the yamuna emails and whatsapps i'm doing all the right things and yet i'm not connecting with my davening i'm still struggling to feel present to be moved by the words to feel that i'm heard and others are struggling with desire with lust we're driven to eat an unhealthy way and to look at images we shouldn't look at and to share gossip we shouldn't share and to want to have more money we're driven by more and more and more material things there are many jews who are looking to feel whole to feel complete who are looking to make progress to grow in the service of hashem kamehameha but it feels so far away even though we're doing all the right things it still feels so elusive and so far away and struggling to connect to connect vehement i don't feel that he's accessible and that he's present i listen to the sheer and i want to feel every time i'm about to lose my cool or get angry or anxious i want to feel he's right there his arm is around me he's making me calm and yet i forget almost every time and there are many people who feel going through all the motions i live as an observant jew i check all the right boxes and something fundamental is missing something is missing it's like everything is right there but the battery missing or the power is out with him and says that instinct that intuition is correct you're right something's missing because once you're living an observant life once you know the motions of what to do and you know the dream of where you want to be and how to do it what's missing is bitter avodah mitoch to consciously and mindfully try to grow and to progress in the area of bitter how can i have less ego bitter is all about ego it's all about ego habitually is so fundamental it's such a core it's the root of growth until we can say after hashifos tovos even if a person's dreams and ambitions their aims and aspirations are good the time yakarama owed and we're very driven to do it and the means to do it but if we've not acquired this attribute if we don't have a working understanding if we don't have a goal for ourselves of how to work on our ego the truth is we're not at all working on the inner essence we're not at all making a real and legitimate move we're not making real progress if we don't also work on um an ego being aware of our ego why do i want to do this and why do i want people to see me doing this and why am i posting this and why do i want to play that role is it ego or is it genuine is it ego or is it for hashem so if we're doing all the right things externally but internally at the center of that circle i had a review of blackman and karen biable used to say sometimes we have this circle i've shared this before and on the outside of the circle all the points on the outside of the circle are all the right things learning davening stucco working on my midos i'm doing everything right so how could it be doing everything right and yet feels so empty doing everything right and yet the result feels so wrong doing everything right and yet not feeling connected uplifted enriched not having that high not feeling like not being on fire not feeling the calm and the love that we want from hashem how could it be on the outside of my circle every point is correct i'm doing all the right things so rav lachman used to say probably still says the question is what's at the center of the circle all the spokes on the wheel all the points on the circle are they pointing towards the center of the circle what's at the center of the circle is it god or is it you are we doing all those right things because they will bring us closer to him because we're making him the center of the circle of our life or are we doing all the right things that are ostensibly about god because we're serving ourselves we want to feel good we want the honor and glory we want to feel enriched what's at the center of this circle us our ego or him that's the gut check that's the question we have to ask so whether the points on the circle all add up to the result we're looking for is determined not by the points on the outside of the circle but what's at the center of the circle what's at the core of the circle what is what are those points of the circle all pointing towards what are we trying to achieve god wants if you're benealia many people aren't tuning in wednesday mornings living with ammuna or whenever you listen later many people are living life going through the motions focused more on work material things binge watching whatever else are their ambitions and aspirations in life but those who are together we're a chabura where ever we're a group we're a community we're a family or benealia we're striving and we're struggling and we want more for ourselves and those around us we want to live in a higher plane we want to live a transcendent life so we need to work on our ego avodah it cannot come from a feeling it cannot come from the ego cannot come from the sense of self we just read on on shabbos kabbalah satora we received the torah we didn't celebrate that we received the torah 3 300 years ago it's not that we were nostalgically commemorative of a moment of history that's not the jewish notion of time the jewish notion of time is that we had a kabbalah torah today we received today it's brand new each and every day shavuous it's not that we commemorated we lived and relived receiving the torah so when god gave us the torah he began i am the lord your god who took you out of eretz mitzrayim the very first word sadia gone says that all of mitzvos all taryak all 6 13 are encapsulated in these ten the asara sadibros and all ten can be summarized or encapsulated in the first one anno i'm the lord your god and the entire anoche is encapsulated in the first word so the whole torah is consolidated into the ten commandments the ten commandments can be consolidated into the first commandment and the entire first commandment can be captured and consolidated into that opening word means i i the only anoki in our lives should be god the only thing that truly exists is god the rest of us are are figments of his imagination so to say the rest of us are extensions of him inaudib so we have lives as an expression of god in this world and we have capacity capability we can make a difference we believe in him we have to believe in ourselves but ultimately all that exists is his anohi now there's a competition there's a tension between hiza and our annohi he's the lord our god who took us out of egypt and our is our ego what do i want what do i need what are my priorities how am i ego driven is our ego but it says in the torah benue tells us and the ballet mustard has explained if you want to know what is the barrier to connecting to god what is the barrier to living with faith what is the barrier to feeling his presence what sits between us and god is our ego our sense of self our arrogance our ego our ego is edging god out everyone knows i love the recovery program the 12 steps there's brilliance in it not just for addicts every one of us is addicted to different things and if we were humble and modest but like people in recovery we would recognize how much we could benefit from it and that ego edging god out comes from that recovery world and so much is submitting to a higher power and so much of the effort and the exercise and the work of those in recovery which all of us should be in recovery each and every day trying to recover trying to overcome trying to be better is realizing that at the core of so many of that kryptonite of the obstacles of the addictions of the self-sabotage is ego is ego our ego leads us to lash out our ego leads us to be envious our ego leads us to get angry our ego leads us to add friction to relationships that sometimes make them non-recoverable it's ego ano made benesham what sits between us and god is ego and if we'd have less ego if we check our ego at the door if we would think not think less of ourselves but think of ourselves less then there'd be more room for hashem there'd be more room for a life of faith and that life of faith as we talked about over and over and over again that life of faith leads us with calm and tranquility and serenity with hope and with happiness and as long as a person has not acquired for themselves how to in fact work on their ego if the ego is flaming and flaring if the ego is on fire then there's no room not only for hashem there's no room for others we all know that we all know we all know people in our lives who have big egos and they think they have relationships but they don't they don't the people around them have a very superficial relationship with them because they're concerned they're worried they're navigating the other party's ego so the person who lives with an inflated ego inflated sense of self that's all that matters that's all they pursue that's all they care about others recoil from them or others aren't real with them and that person is living an illusion it's so sad it's so sad to see and god forbid maybe we're that person maybe we're that person who is living an illusion and we don't really realize what people think of us we have to work on our ego we have to be learned to be vatil ourselves to be vatel bittle to cancel to nullify to overcome the ego in our relationship with god and in our relationship with others again so much of torah and mitzvah so much of the framework of what we do how we behave what we believe is to help us is to encourage us is to not feed that ego whoever merits to understand and to live this made by malay they will testify a person who lives this we as a group we're going to start to work on this for the next few weeks or months we're gonna every week be working on our ego check our ego why did i blow up at my kids why did i have a fight with my spouse why did i make a mistake at work let me check myself let me evaluate myself was it ego was it ego what drove me was it sincere was it genuine or was it ego to be working on our ego the meshes a person who merits and who achieves this you'll have a new life you'll be an altogether new person your relationships will come alive koyama basim you'll be happy it's not about your ego so you didn't get invited you didn't get put on the mizrah you didn't get the best seat in the house so what they didn't feature you in the magazine they didn't follow you they didn't promote so what if you have no ego nothing gets you angry nothing gets you upset nothing gets you jealous me to leave us and if we've nullified ourselves if there is no ego and realize this is what was meant to be this is from hashem this is the way it's supposed to be if there's no ego and you're not edging god out it means that there's plenty of room for god there's a lot of room for him to be present for and our life is entirely different we come alive we're genuinely alive because even within ourselves we're not struggling with the ego we're not alive when we are fighting with our alter ego we have an ego and an alter ego and they're in a battle but if we can surrender and submit that ego and really live based on live for other people then then we come alive it's not like oh it's a nice thing to do bittel get rid of that ego it's an additional liar do all the right things and then on top of that it's really worthwhile try to get rid of the ego no hudav this is what all the quality of our life depends on you want to have good relationships your spouse your children your friends your co-workers your neighbors then the ego's got to get out of the way you want a good relationship with the almighty the ego's got to get out of the way so that's the end of the introduction that's what we're going to be working on we're working on overcoming ego is ego driving us is it pushing us is ego what matters so are we making poor judgments are we misguided is our judgment cloudy because the ego is getting in the way or have we learned have we adopted and adapted to not having to listen to our ego to not listen he writes here in the footnote on the introduction now we have to be very very careful because there are people who so have no ego they think of themselves so little that they let people walk all over them and they're harmed they're dang they're damaged and they're injured as a result that's not what god wants of us don't sublimate your ego so much that people walk all over you take advantage of you exploit you that's not what god wants for us so it's only natural that you know the is that our life comes first when the when the oxygen mask falls you have to put it on yourself before you help others we have an obligation responsibility if we were so selfless that we helped others before ourselves we wouldn't survive our first responsibility to take care of ourselves that's healthy that's righteous that's moral that's the correct thing to do but there's a difference between our self-preservation there's a difference between not letting others step all over us which is exactly what god wants but having a inflated ego and being driven by the ego begam adam adriegesma even the person who's serving god faithfully even the person who's not driven entirely by ego and is really asking themselves lashma what does god want there's still that healthy inner sense of self the inner sense of self that has satisfaction that is enriched that is gratified those are good qualities they encourage us they give us positive feedback they make us keep going we have that capacity we have that ability to escape always thinking about ourselves to not measure everything against ourselves valesko shalom to not even be thinking about ourselves the less ourselves the more room for god and then we cling to him and then we come alive god really wants to shower us with everything and to give us so god really wants us to live a very virtuous life and elevated life so why does he make this so hard why is it so difficult allah this is the key ingredient this is what's missing could do all the right things on the outside of the circle we have to get to the right things on the inside of the circle we have to work on our ego on checking our ego evaluating our ego and making sure that while we're self-preserving and not letting anyone take advantage that we're also not pursuing with honor and glory that we're not running after our ego we have to do the right things and we have to do them for the right reasons not for the wrong reasons i want to end up this morning i love it when you our holy amuna family and community share with me your stories i always ask you please email me let me know how you've been applying the living with amuna the lessons we're learning from ravitch meyer and others and how that's impacting your life so someone shared with me i'm not going to mention their name the following story said before corona i was at the office i was suffering with workplace anxiety i got a prescription called into cvs next to my office my wife has her prescription called into cvs across town which requires me to drive to get her medication i always tell her change where her medication is delivered to the pharmacy closer to us which is walkable on a rainy night my wife asked me to pick up her medication and needed to pick it up before the cvs closed at 8 00 pm i get in the car and make my way to the pharmacy across town not the convenient local one as i pick up her medication and a pharmacist asks me if i want my first dose of the vaccine this email came many months ago before it was so readily and easily available they were closing up and if i didn't take it it was going to be thrown out i had a discussion about passively jumping the line i thought although i thought i wasn't eligible i figured contributing to hurt immunity was still a good thing i wasn't taking the vaccine from anyone the opposite it was my civic duty to get it they had to see if i was in their system and told me if i wasn't they weren't going to give it to me after a couple times they couldn't find me but i remembered i got anxiety meds from cvs they found me i got my first and second dose and barak hashem i'm fully vaccinated so he says the moral of the story is always run errands for your wife and go to the location that she chooses but the point he has in the story is he was aggravated and frustrated why didn't she call in her prescription to the easier more local one the one he needed his prescription but it was because there was a reason there was a reason hashem wanted him on that rainy night going to the other location where they would would have been throwing out a vaccine unless they gave it to him so he was able to hop it so again in our life how many times do we lose our cool at someone or in general what a pain what a mistake why do i have to go to the other place why can't you ever listen to me why didn't you get it right why didn't you call it into the one i wanted to go to sometimes it becomes obvious like when we then have access to a vaccine other times it's a lot less obvious and we never never learned why we needed to be there but there's hashem and he has a plan and things work out the way they do because he's in charge and he is in control and everything happens on his timeline not on our own chateau munzlakas i have a daughter whose due date was a couple days ago but she expected to go early and every day she and we are waiting and i keep reminding her and myself with great excitement it's up to hashem it's his timeline and if we have to choose between our timeline or his are we going to go with our finite fallible timeline or should we go with his infinite omnipotent perfect timeline go with his any day of the week so we have to be patient and persevere and we have to be vatel what we want what's convenient for us one would work out based on the way we want our calculation and our calendar we have to be vatel we have to nullify and instead realize anode melvado that we serve him and we operate on his time line please if you haven't yet subscribe to our youtube channel you'll be notified in real time every time we go live so you can continue to learn with us each and every learning opportunity tonight behind the beam at 9 pm as we've been talking about rabbi grossman the great disco rabbi you do not want to miss this conversation he is an extraordinarily inspiring individual 9 p.m until next time stay happy stay healthy and stay holy