Living With Emunah (Part 188): Breaking Through the Dark to Find Light

good morning boca top welcome back to living with emunah series each week where we try to get together and remind ourselves what we already know or should know that there is a creator that zeribani shalom is an almighty in this world that he created the world everything in it he created us and that he is intimately involved aware of everything in our lives and that we should rely depend and lean on him and our lives only get better and improve i want to thank our generous sponsors of the series for the year dr xavier and bella morgan in memory of rabbi dr brian galbet zucchinel of roche and in memory of bella's mother dr ellen shanzer thank you so much for your generous sponsorship this morning shira is also sponsored anonymously for their full slam of rafal aranakoin ben rifka alex krauss the cousin rabbi moskowitz and lila nishmas dr david dombeck thank you so so much to our generous sponsors if you'd like to sponsor a future class or episode please email lee at brsonline.org l-e-e at brsonline.org we're coming off the cha moon of the yantef of the yantef of faith we didn't only study about god we didn't read or learn or demonstrate about falling in love with falling in faith with hashem but rather we experienced it we lived it we went through our own yet is a straight and narrow place a constricted place and ahmets are karasiko we call god from that constricted place from amitrian and we set ourselves free setting ourselves free means that we go from thinking we're in charge we're in control we take responsibility we have pride or we have guilt to realizing we do our very best and then we let go let god once we've done our best then it is up to the almighty it is up to the rebounding from the master of the universe and when we go from a life of thinking we're in charge we're in control which leads to arrogance and envy which leads to anxiety and worry into a life in which we've set ourselves free then we have experienced what liberty and freedom and emancipation are really all about that is what this holiday and now we're in the middle of serious homer we've begun the count and we are on a trek 49 days seven weeks towards setting ourselves free so how have you challenged yourself in these seven weeks how have you challenged yourself for these 49 days in what way are we going to be better less arrogant less envious less anxiety written less thinking that we're in charge and we're in control less turning inward and more turning outward how are we reaching up reaching out and reaching in how are we measuring in these 49 days in day increments and in weekly increments evaluating have i grown have i changed have i improved am i better what are we taking upon ourselves to read and to study to learn every day to work out to exercise to eat right to be more mindful in what we say and how we speak in our effort to connect with others are we dedicating time to dhaba not only from a sitter but to open our heart and to talk to god about what's on our mind what we want to protest and object to what we want to express gratitude for and what we want to reach out for is help with what are we doing in these 49 days in order to truly set ourselves free and to be able to do so in a way in which we measure how we are how we are doing all right we're continuing our study of morgenstern and we are on the park of our gushes or of atomic bivacas feeling his light turning ourselves into a clean to a vessel to receive that light the light the countenance of the almighty is shining bright all the time god is speaking and god is shining and god is messaging all the time the question is do we pick it up are we hearing it are we picking up that signal that's the question that's on us are we a vessel are we a cli is our antenna extended have we updated our software are we picking up the signal of his light are we that vessel to receive and to live that light that light is everywhere the light is in every cup of coffee and that light is in every conversation and that light is in every human being and that light is in every mitzvah and that light is in every prayer opportunity that light from god is everywhere the question is are we looking for it and do we see it are we feeling it because when we do when we become that vessel and when we feel of that light and when we see that infinite and we touch the divine then we're elevated we're enriched we're alive our life is so much better and when we live in the here and now in the temporary we live in a world that is fleeting we live in a world which is filled with decay we live to a world which is filled with with death then we feel we are dead even while we are alive the more we contact the divine the more we contact that which is infinite eternal immortal than the more alive that we feel and we make that contact when we do mitzvos that is contact with the divine that is contact with immortality but we also make contact with our immortality when we find hashem's light hashem is immortal and his light can be found and connected with so many ways around us as we just mentioned through so many different capacities that's our mission that's our search that's what we're looking for we're on page study test page 99 the third chapter feeling the light and connecting to vegas attaching gluing ourselves to the almighty mask he makes a very very important and critical point here of ichimeier he says you know we have this thing called spirituality are you on fire young people love to use the fire emoji oh that was fire that joshua was fire how was your seder it was fire how are you feeling fire so at times we feel the spirituality we're on fire we're on fire we feel connected we feel alive we feel we're striving we're stretching up at times we're on fire we are deriving the joy the pleasure out of a life of connection to god but at times the pleasure is not there at times we're asked to open the sitter on daven even though you're not feeling it even though you're not in fire even though you're not filled with faith even though you're falling apart even though you're exhausted sir richard says a person needs to be so committed to dwakas a person has to be so committed to the notion of attaching ourselves to hashem that even in those moments too we stick with it it's not just about the pleasure we derive from it but it's about a commitment to being and i liken it as we always do to the metaphor of marriage because the relationship with hashem is not even a metaphor of marriage it is a marriage that is what we're told is the relationship in fact the kabbalist the mystics told us that the whole institution of marriage in this world is so that we have an understanding of what it means to be in that relationship with hashem it's not that our relationship with hashem is like a marriage is that we have marriage so that we can have an insight and an inkling and understanding of what we're supposed to feel when it comes to hashem so marriage often you feel on fire you're in love it's amazing all you see is the good and the connection and the romance and you're so angry that there aren't even enough words to communicate or capture the sense of love and devotion and oneness that you feel attachment it's not a coincidence by the way the same words vegas that we're learning about the mitzvah of attaching ourselves to god is the same word that's used in the context of marriage torah tells us of isis of the vesimo a person is meant to graduate their parents home the davak bishto attach and cling themselves to their spouse that is the nature of marriage the nature of marriage is to cling to feel you have one another's back to stick together like glue to be able to feel the rhythm of life to finish each other's sentences to be able to intuit what the other one wants to have such a level of loyalty and fidelity that you're interconnected as one the davak bishto so here you have the exact same word in the context of marriage is the same word that is the mitzvah of the relationship with hashem why not because the relationship with hashem with god is like a marriage we are married to god and just like i'm not on a vacation from my marriage even when i'm on a business trip or a vacation but marriage is part of the core definition of who i am it defines my status my identity it defines who i am and i never unbreak from it so to my relationship my marriage to the almighty means i don't take a vacation from it i'm not on break on a business trip on vacation he comes with me we're never apart that identity that status of being married to one another that divekas that devec that connection is something which is part of my core identity it's part of who i am so in marriage sometimes you're on fire you're in love there are no words to describe the romance the fireworks and there are other times that you're not feeling as connected that's healthy that's okay that's a part of rhythm of marriage maybe you're feeling distance maybe you're both exhausted maybe you're both overwhelmed maybe all you talk about are the things that bring anxiety and you never invest enough in yourselves and you need to return and recover that that's okay but even in those moments where you're not feeling on fire and they aren't feeling the fireworks you still have to remember you're married you still have to cling and be loyal you still have to have one another's back you still have to care about each other's needs and wants and the same is true in the relationship in the marriage to the almighty vakus that clinging that davak gluing ourselves to god it's wonderful when it leads to the fireworks with god i'm on fire and i love and i'm spiritual and i see him everywhere and hashem is amazing the world is amazing and life is amazing and let's just have a comes it's and a kumbaya and isn't life amazing but there will be and there are moments that you don't feel that and that's when the rubber meets the road that's the test of is the devacus real us the pleasure of the joy the fireworks cannot be the goal of clinging to god the goal of clinging to god is because i'm married to god and being married to god marriage has to mean something there's loyalty there's fidelity it has to be commitment there has to be devotion there has to be willing to compromise and sacrifice those are core definitions and criteria of marriage so the talmud is not the matara the byproduct of a healthy marriage with god or with another human being the byproduct of a healthy rewarding marriage is that it also feels good but that's not the matera that is not the goal he continues the next section it's not just that the light can't be the goal elasha there will be times that the light doesn't shine through you're in a dark place you're in a dark moment you're living in a dark time and it's very difficult to see the light it's cloudy it's dark and there are times when you are trying to practice vegas trying to cling to god you're not feeling that light and you're not feeling that upper pleasure and even after you merit to feel the pleasantness of attachment to god and the sweetness if you taste torah ta'amuru ukitov hashem if you only taste if you only try you will see how delicious a relationship with god is but relationships work in cycles there are ups and there are downs we hope like the stock market that it trends up even though there are ups and downs there are variations but relationships all contain those so we've tasted the sweetness and we know how delicious a relationship is and we've seen the light but the light doesn't always shine through sometimes there's dark sometimes we're in a dark place and sometimes the world is a dark place lomar geshem there are times when you are on fire shabbos is coming so excited counting down preparing cooking lakova chaba's kodash i love shabbos i live for shabbos and there's sometimes if we admit you say oh it's another shabbos to cook again another drusher got to set the table got to get ready gotta disconnect again but sir shalom began a level if you want to evaluate your level and where you're at when it comes to this media of quality of clinging to god you need to know that this too the real measure of a person is not how well you're doing when you're on fire it's not how well you're doing when everything is going well it's not how well and smoothly it's seamless it is when the light is coming through your real test of your marriage is not when you're on vacation or celebrating your anniversary or you have won the lottery the real test of your marriage is when you hit a road block when you when you struggle the real test of a marriage is when you're not feeling it do you persevere do you work it out do you work it through do you come back is it stronger than ever is it stronger than others or that's the real connection when you fight through when you persevere when you're really devoted when you're willing to cling when you're willing to have a back even when you're not feeling attached when you don't feel like working out do you anyway when you don't feel like dieting and being disciplined are you anyway when you don't feel like doing the daf or learning or tuning into the shear do you do it anyway it's easy when you're on fire i never missed that show i love it it changes me working out is the greatest i don't understand why everybody doesn't work out it's the greatest thing that ever happened it's so much fun everybody loves it that's great you know what's gonna happen you're gonna hit a wall and you're gonna say working out is the stupidest dumbest i hate it i hate every moment of it it's torture get me out of it and do you do it anyway do you do it anyway ah i would never eat that poison i'd never put that in my system i only eat healthy that's good in two weeks you're going to be back to wanting the corn chips but do you eat them or do you discipline as we spoke about this morning in our mesilas asharam sheer do you realize that there's a pause there's a space between the urge the appetite and the action and in that space do you express the discipline do you express the discipline even when you don't feel like it the reason it's and every one of us is an agent and ambassador a messenger of god la sos lo dira and we are here in order to be a vessel so that god has a place to dwell down here on earth so it's not that god is only living in the heavens the heavens are a place of spirituality the heavens are a place of the divine and here on earth it's a place of animal living it's animal house no we are his agents we are his ambassadors we are we are you know it's as if heaven has an embassy on earth where is the embassy in heaven america has an embassy in israel israel is an embassy in america and the israeli embassy in america has the sovereign status of israel the american embassy in israel's the sovereign status of america so where is heaven's embassy on earth through each and every one of us we are the embassy we are the the ambassador the agency of god he wants a dear but god doesn't want to just dwell in the heavens he doesn't want spirituality to be something which is far away and far apart and is in the heavens god wants dhira betharton god says i'm in the food i'm in the intimacy i'm in your relationship with time i'm in your relationship with culture i'm in your relationship with work i'm in your relationship with what car you drive dear but on this godliness the spirituality available accessible everywhere that everywhere you look you see the kingdom the royalty you see the dominion you see the providence of god he's in every bite every morsel we eat he's in everything he says and everything we feel he's never where we go he's in everything we look at he's in every chair every desk every computer every smartphone hashem is everywhere that light is shining through but only through us through the power of our agency through our autonomy and our effort and our interest and during these times kasama adam when it feels dark out yes there's a battle there's a war that takes place in the soul of a person so again the same thing again with marriage you're not feeling it with marriage the fireworks aren't there the romance isn't there so what are you still devoted are you still all in are you willing to work it through or even when you're angry or you're in a fight or you're feeling distance or you're not feeling connected do you say but this is the love of my life this is this parent of my children this is my future this is my other half this is the person who makes me whole and therefore i'm going to fight through persevere work it out and come out stronger on the other side the same is true with the almighty so again what ravichammer is trying to communicate and transmit to us is that the real test of our devotion to vegas the real test of how much we believe in this quality and in this practice is not when it's going smoothly or well or we're on fire but when it's challenging and difficult we are revealing the lies and distortions the untruth of the external world um mashallah god can be found even when the world is hiding him so corona was hiding god isolation quarantine distance illness sickness loss financial challenge where's god where's the rebonus shalom the world externally was kind to suppress hashem trying to make it that you couldn't see him where's a god amidst among all the suffering and all the challenges and the answer is it was up to us the way we treated one another the way we extended ourselves to one another the level of selflessness of kindness of support to one another it's up to us to reveal that light even when there are layers and layers of dark that are trying to hide it so there are people there are things there are places there are conditions there are natural events in the world which make it a dark dark place a complicated place a place in which it's difficult to access and to expose and to see god but those are the moments that are most up to us those are the challenges for us to stand up and to step up and to reveal him to be that light black ish so you're going through a difficult time a person medically financially relationship emotionally psychologically or you're worn down and exhausted who doesn't have corona fatigue who's not just tired already of masks and calculations and concerns who's not just tired of all this already of living in fear of if or when you're going to contract the illness what it will look like what it will mean how will it spread within your family who are the vulnerable members of your family who is not exhausted from all this who's not tired of it who's not in a dark place from it but those are the moments of uber to nevertheless attach ourselves in our thoughts and in our hearts gambling or even when you're not feeling the light element you have to know that hashem is with us there's nothing to worry there's nothing to fear there's nothing to be concerned do what we have to do and then the rest is up to us my daughter is going back to eritsera today back to her seminary to continue her year in israel so grateful that ribano shalom decided in the last moment she was able to come back and be with our family hashem we were all together what a joy what a gift what a blessing so she took a test yesterday because you need a test in order to train in order to go back and she doesn't have the result yet and the lab this morning is saying they're not sure why it's taking so long but our flights today what it's going to be i don't know we're in the middle of this year my phone is on airplane mode i have no idea but i said let's daven we got a daven we did everything you're supposed to do you took it in the time you're supposed to take it took it with a wonderful reputable company and for whatever reason it's at the lab and now it's in hashem's hands so why stress why be frustrated why be worried why give up your happiness why give up the last moments that you're at home let go and let god if he wills that the lamb will have the results it will all go smoothly and if for some reason he doesn't there's a reason that's what's meant to be that's the way it's designed now you'll say well it's easy for me i'm not supposed to go anywhere believe me it's not so easy for me if it doesn't come back life gets very complicated but that's the gift of what emunah means you're stressed you're struggling halaway this should be the darkest place she or we ever go through halawa this is nothing gornished it's a nothing but you're in a dark place you're in a concerned place that's when you have to fight through and see the light that's when you have to re-focus one's thoughts that's where we have to be really really committed in our heart and in our head to faith in hashem and to say okay did i do everything the best i could yes did i do it with the best that i could yes is there anything more for me to do right now no okay so then what's left stress frustration anxiety worry what good will that do will that make it better will that bring about positive results will that create success not rarely never never if there's more to do than just do it but don't do it with angst anxiety or worry that never ever helps usually it just hurts the situation certainly it forfeits our serenity tranquility and the last moments that we have here at home the isma aren't you curious now for the sheer to finish and find out what happened so am i here and be happy with hashemi's barak balyar gasha you're in that dark place you're in that concerned place you're in that worried place you're in that place where it's hard to feel his presence find an ability to break through and to be happy with them even when the feeling's not there hashem is always with us even when you don't feel it he's always there even when it looks like there are layers that are blocking him so i want to give you a muscle i want to give an example right now that just jumped into my head i once read from a marriage expert that when a couple's in a fight when a couple's in a fight a very good thing to do assuming it's an appropriate time an appropriate place an appropriate venue is one to go over the other and just give them a hug so what do you mean you're in the middle of throwing things at each other's head you're yelling and screaming at each other about it you ruin each other's life you're frustrated disappointed or hurt by each other's behavior you're in an enormous fight and you can go over and give a hug and the answer is yes because what that hug does or what putting a hand on somebody else even in the middle of a fight does as it says we're going to work this out at our core we are connected we are one we are in love we have a future we're on a detour we're on a conversation we have to work this out but let's remember that underneath it all and what we will come back to is that we have a fantastic and phenomenal connection so that hug aside from the endorphin release and aside from what it does the sense of touch but it builds a connection and it sets a reminder and it says i'm saying maybe even harsher hurtful things i'm throwing things at you literally or metaphorically we're going at it and we're battling right now but i interrupt to bring you this hug first of all it's very hard to then speak harshly it's very hard to still kick it up to the highest level of the nuclear fight when that hug or that placing a hand on the other person what it communicates that sense of touch or that connection why am i giving you this mushroom first of all it's good to know not that any of you ever have fights in your marriage but it's good to know in case you know somebody who does it's very good advice but why am i sharing it i'm sharing it as a muscle as a metaphor as an example in terms of our relationship with god it means that sometimes god i'm throwing things at you literally metaphorically god i'm frustrated i'm disappointed i'm hurt i'm withdrawn i'm distanced there's daylight between us god i don't see you in my life i'm frustrated i'm angry where are you why is this happening interrupt and give him a hug and realize you know god i'm feeling this right now but it's temporary in my core i have such faith in you and love for you you are my father you are my spouse you are my everything and we will be back but right now here's how i'm feeling resume the fight if you want so that's what ravichammer is suggesting is to know that even within the darkness even within the chemist is always with us and that we can cling to him and feel connected to him and give him a hug and feel his hug even when we can't find him anywhere even when we can't find him anywhere even as a parent you have to discipline a child you're about to take away the technology or you're about to ground them you're about to tell them some disappointing news because that's what's best for them give them a hug and then give them the punishment because what that says is i love you i love you i love you unconditionally you're my child i love you because i love you i have to do what i'm about to do but i give you a hug before i give you a hug after you have to practice tough love the ultimate love for a parent to a child so even in these moments there's darkness it's difficult to find him there is a light and we create and we crack open in order to create that light but sorry we have to have we have to place carefully in our head we have to know not just to search or look for the light and not just to depend the relationship can't fluctuate and depend on our feelings because their relationship with god is how they're feeling i don't feel like davening with kavanagh today i don't feel like putting filling on today i don't feel like making a bracha today it doesn't do anything for me there's an enormous challenge in yiddishkai today i've spoken about this many times so you'll forgive me if you heard this little rant but there's an enormous challenge today particularly young among young people who will tell you that i don't do the things that don't do anything for me so there's a group of young men i once spoke to about phillyn and they said tiffin doesn't do anything for me film doesn't do anything for me wrapping leather on my arm on my head it's doesn't do anything for me so why should i do it because modern man the 21st century says i don't do things that don't do anything for me just do it obey your thirst pleasure only the things that make you happy and i give you pleasure so why do i have to do anything that doesn't do it for me kosher shabbos filling doesn't do anything for me why do i have to do something that doesn't do something for me but the core of yiddish kite the court of religion the core of faith the court of a relationship is a willingness to do imagine i tell my wife that kind of garbage doesn't do anything for me and i know you asked me to help with this that it doesn't do anything for me so i don't really care if it does anything for you it does something for me and i asked you to do it so do i do anything for you do you care about me are you invested in this relationship with me do you want to know what i'm asking you to do even if you're not feeling at this moment it does anything for you clearing the table doesn't do anything for me helping with bedtime doesn't do anything for me okay that's nice imagine telling your boss at work you're giving an assignment a project something to do nah give it to someone else that doesn't do anything for me i don't remember asking you if it did anything for you it needs to get done and you're the one who needs to do it and so the core of religion the core of spirituality the core of of of being in evidence of avodah it's not that it does something for me it's not the feeling that we have it's the commit to doing it even when i don't feel it i think brushing my teeth every day does something for me but you got to brush your teeth whether you're feeling it or not ella leo so i told that group of young men you know tonight it's tonight wednesday tonight tomorrow yamashawa holocaust memorial day so there's a chuba mima makimura who was a rav in the covenant ghetto and collected he wrote on scraps of paper and he buried him to the covenant ghetto and he collected it afterwards and it was the questions that he was asked in the covenant ghetto and he was asked a question by a young man i've shared this and taught this before a young man who comes to the oshari and says you know i'm not going to make it to my bar mitzvah the odds the statistics the likelihood is that i'm never going to survive to my bar mitzvah but i need to know what it's like to put on to finland i cannot go to my death i cannot go to the next world and never have had the experience of putting on philly so even though i'm not bar mitzvah and i'm not even close to it may i start wearing twillon because otherwise i'll never know that experience because the likelihood is i'll be murdered beforehand and revolt she has several pages of achuva about why we wait to put on to phil until the bar mitzvah and how close to the bar mitzvah do we begin to practice a day a week a month what are the different customs and traditions and ultimately concludes that this young man if he has the proper mindset he can be mindful of uh protecting observing the filling that he's allowed to but forget the answer how about the question how about the mindset of a young man 12 year old suffering a slave imprisoned in the covenant ghetto who doesn't say god where are you was there a darker place on earth than the holocaust was there a greater cloak of darkness than the sho'a and this young man in the holocaust doesn't say how can i run away he says how can i run too he doesn't say i can't see god so i'm out he says how can i make a crack how can i break open an opening so the light will still come through he doesn't say i guess i don't have to worth filling or do anything else because god abandoned me i'm abandoning him he says how would it be possible for me to go to my death and never know what it's like to worth filling what a question what a question he didn't ask does it do anything for me he didn't say does it do something for me he said what am i meant to do what a different question not what does it do for me but what am i meant to do and so that's what rewitcher meyer is applying to a world of mindfulness a world of a world of faith a world of devacus do we practice it do we live it even when we don't feel it even when we don't feel it even when it's not doing something for me do we ask ourselves what are we meant to do to be those who serve god faithfully who are searching for an inner connection we're trying to break that open we're trying to create a hole or a crack so the light can come through bli kesher the high hagasha's forget whether we're feeling it and forget whether it's doing something for us forget whether it's letting us feel we're high on god but are we committed to do it because it's the right thing because it's what we're meant to do none the less we'll continue as a very important conversation and this is the measure of our commitment to emunah and to vacas not just in the lofty and the high and the happy times but in the week and the eve of yamashawa the people who live with tremendous faith in our local yamaha program which will be online virtual our local survivor martin judovitz one of my heroes at our seder this year with the privilege of hosting him he's vaccinated we're vaccinated from a distance and during the he shamdah he shared his experiences and talked to my kids about how he maintains his faith he's given the most extraordinary answer he said i lost my mother and father i had one parent left should i lose him too and therefore i chose to get closer and not further from him after the war after he lost everything so he'll be sharing some reflections tonight i'll be interviewing judge coleman a holocaust survivor tonight later tonight i'm behind the beam at 9 00 pm we'll be interviewing mrs ruth lichtstein the founder of project witness and the great granddaughter of the guerrera the editor-in-chief of hamodia newspaper she's also an extraordinary woman she'll talk about project witness which is collecting the testimonials from a spiritual perspective the spiritual resistance and heroism during the showa the people who maintain the religion and faith in those extraordinary circumstances so i encourage you to tune in 6 p.m is our yamaha program 9 pm is the behind the bema interview and we'll pick up with this conversation please guide next week if you would like to subscribe to our youtube channel you'll be notified in real time every time we learn together be part of our community of learning simply hit subscribe and you will be alerting alerted until next time stay happy still healthy