Let's Talk About Dating: A Parent's Role

okay good evening everyone um it's a real pleasure to be here I'm going to give everybody a another minute and then we're going to get started people are being invented in one more minute and then we're gonna get started thank you so much okay good evening and we're gonna get started and um with the with our introductions and by the time everybody gets admitted to from the the waiting room um we'll all be here together good evening I am Shawna Friedman I'm the CEO of Sean task force and I'm thrilled to be here this evening to welcome you and have the opportunity to moderate this important conversation our hope is this the beginning of many conversation conversations our mission is on task force is to combat domestic violence and help Foster safe and healthy relationships in the community I would like to first start by welcoming Dr Jonathan Jonah Dr jonath started a charity called daily giving and if you don't know what it is you really should it is an incredible organization that leverages our joint power of sudaka and Community I'm personally a supporter from way in the beginning and I look forward to the Daily emails that share which charity we supported for that day as he will explain is the simple and effective way for us to take concrete steps in creating Community Sean task force is very grateful for being a recipient of daily giving it makes our work possible makes programs like this possible thank you Dr Donuts thank you so much for having me Shawna and it's great to see this panel and this important discussion tonight I just would like to be very brief and just like everyone to imagine if I could guarantee you a Mitzvah every single day no matter what it would take none of your time it would take zero effort and it would only cost you one dollar a day that's what we've created with daily giving we have over 14 000 Jews from 39 different countries giving a dollar to DACA together every single day and every day we give the money we give the entire amount of money to a different incredible Jewish nonprofit like children task force and we have every every it's a diversified portfolio of Charities so for one dollar a day you get to help poverty organizations and cancer organizations and Substance Abuse and Mental Health and life-saving organizations and Transplant organizations and on and on and on and Torah and kirubin and El Ms and so no matter who who you are no matter how wealthy you are you can't support everyone for one dollar a day with daily giving you can make a massive massive impact we are like I said giving over fourteen thousand dollars a day 365 days a year every day it goes up as more people join and daily given doesn't take a penny a hundred cents of your dollar goes to charity and like Shawna said every day you can email tell you where the money goes you're going to learn about incredible organizations you've never even heard of that you're like wow Mika okay so we have just it's just no no limit to what we could do and when we come together what's a dollar but we come together as a people it is a massive impact in less than two weeks we're going to give out our 10 millionth Dollar in four years and now we're giving out over 5.2 million dollars a year so I just want to leave one story because it's so pertinent to the conversation we're about to be having and that is that when we started four years ago I had someone sign up for daily giving for two dollars a day and I called her to thank her because she was sort of distantly related to me and I asked her why did she sign up for two dollars a day she was about 35 36 years old never been married and she said I signed up one dollar for myself and one dollar for my future husband and within six months she got engaged and then I told that story to wrap up and see in classical and he told that story on one of his his talks to singles and then he sent me a text from a woman in Chicago who texted him that my daughter was 29 years old and she's been dating since she's 21 and I heard your speech and I signed up for one dollar a day for her and one dollar a day for one of her friends who's single and I want to tell you that I signed up on May 13th and she met her husband on May 20th and then I was at a an ornava shabbaton and I met these two single girls I don't know 26 27 they came up to me and they said they're already daily givers can I set them up and I didn't really have anyone to set him up with I said but you know what why don't you sign up for a second dollar day this is supposed to meeting your spouse and just a few months ago I got a text from one of them it was only like three or four months after I met her she said Doctor Donut I can't believe it but I figured what the heck it's just an extra dollar to duck a day I figured it would take a lot longer but wish me a model so if I just got engaged and then this week just literally three days ago I got an email from another daily Giver who said I want you to know that I signed up for two dollars a day uh one for my granddaughter one for my great niece and they both got engaged so you know maybe daily giving is a solution to all of the whole crisis I don't know but but it can't hurt so um I I urge everyone the happiness factor of all our daily givers the panelists themselves I think all the panels themselves are daily givers themselves and it just takes one moment but everyone forgets if they don't do it right away so tonight either right now as in the next 30 seconds or write yourself a message or know below right now go to dailygiving.org sign up it takes 30 seconds you'll be so happy you did and you'll be supporting Sheldon task force and so many other incredible organizations thank you so much for the opportunity thank you so much it really is one of the highlights of my day I always I always check it and we shared my all my siblings signed up and it's something we talk about so thank you it's a wonderful opportunity um Central to our mission um of Sean task versus to provide education to community members of all different stages is in their lifespan to learn about healthy and safe relationships and how to be supportive in our different roles this webinar is to support parents of single men and women in our community many of your children have attended workshops in high school or their Gap year Seminary programs and we are available to go into your Seminary shoals-based measures programs college campuses or any other group to offer an array of different workshops our focus is always on how to build a healthy relationships and how to get best get help and help others we have over well I think when we first we got logged on when I wrote this was over 400 right now we're over 500 registrants from all over the Jewish community and as someone who lives in New York but I'm not from New York I am very happy to say that or proud to say that the vast majority people are not from the New York area and to that that really speaks to me because we at home task force are here to serve the full Jewish community and it is it's wonderful to see our community members from all over the United States Canada United Kingdom and even Argentina we have a group here from Argentina and we're doing some work down there and we're all together as a community working on this this topic is obviously important to so many this stage of helping our children find a spouse is exciting but can be a very anxiety provoking and stressful for both parents and children the response tonight is from the diverse from community and although dating may look different between different communities we all want our children to find spouses to build relationships anger and respect safety love to our values and care and that Journey it doesn't always feel so simple thank you for being here and thank you for your questions and input this discussion is based on the many questions submitted over the last few weeks we had more today we'll try to get to as many as possible and feel free to write questions um below it will be anonymous and as time permits we will do our best to respond and again this is intended to be a beginning of a conversation we hope to bring future programming to address more questions and continue this conversation so without further Ado I want to introduce our panelists tonight and get started um I'm Robbie I'm from Goldberg um the motor to Astra and Senior Rabbi of Boca Raton Synagogue BRS is a rapidly growing Congregation of over a thousand the numbers probably more than that now families in Boca Raton Florida the IRS is the largest Orthodox synagogue in the southeast United States by Goldberg's warm and welcoming personalities many of us know from behind edema has attracted people of diverse backgrounds and ages to feel part of the BRS Community reinforcing valuing Credo of valuing diversity and celebrating Unity thank you every gold for being here and for all your supporters on task force um Rachel tuckman is a licensed mental health counselor with over 15 years of experience she has worked with many diverse populations including children and adults with developmental delays behavior issues parenting skills divorce infidelity and infertility she's also a health at every size a line clinician and works with individuals with disordered eating and eating disorders and I have to say she's also a very strong and wise voice in the world of Instagram something I very much appreciate um currently she offers services in her Cedarhurst New York office Lisa elefant is a director as one of New York's premiered she's a driving force behind the countless beautiful marriages and the ever-growing adopt a shot organization our partner on this program tonight which began with a small group of dedicated committed to helping singles find their match Lisa has has and continues to spearhead some very Innovative approaches um of helping people find their bashariks including shul share Zoom rumors wedding reading which I love these names fretting did I get that right it's I pronounced that one okay prayer packed be my guest and adopt a shot of fun chat she lives in in um in Brooklyn with her family so we have a fantastic panel tonight I'm really honored to be here with you um I think we're just going to dive in we have many questions um and I'd love to hear and and feel free to jump in um and let's get started so there was a question that came in um and I thought it was interesting it said my 23 year old son cleans he's not ready to date but both his parents and his Remy disagree what should you should I do and I want to just make it a little bit more general of how do I know if I child ready to date and how do I and I help them feel equipped to start this next chapter uh remember Goldberg you wanna do you want to start I'll start though I might be the least qualified to start it's an honor to be here and to be on this panel and I'm looking forward to listening and learning a lot so Sean thank you for all the work that you do Sheldon task force extraordinary organization and we're so grateful we hope that your work is unnecessary soon but while it is we're so grateful for all that you do and Lisa that I've partnered or worked with it's really an honor to be together and Jonathan I'm a proud member of daily giving and I hope everybody joins it's astonishing that number is not much much higher what's giving out every day so I hope everybody does join um it's it's an interesting question that question my son says he's not ready there's fascinating Parts if you unpack the question which include his rebby and his parents think he's ready and he doesn't the fact that the questioner lump the rebby and the parents together is in itself worthy of an entire discussion who is best positioned to advise and Mentor a young person when they're ready and and there's a partnership obviously everybody has input and they know him in different ways but who does that young person turn to more for guidance and Trust more defer more to the rebbe or the parents who knows them better who knows them well the real question is that if a young person says I'm not ready why is anyone necessarily pressuring or forcing you know do the parents are they excited to make a wedding are they excited to say they're married off their child is that their definition of success at that stage of their life that they want to be able to be counted among those who've married off their children who have married children I think it's really really important to look in the mirror and ask ourselves why am I engaged in this why do I feel maybe even aggressive about it or confident about it is it about me or is it about my child are they ready or am I ready to be the parent of somebody's married as is there dream to walk down their aisle or is my dream to walk them down their aisle and and really to be honest with ourselves about where we're at and whose interests we're putting first is it the child or our own there's nothing wrong with parents dreaming to reach that stage of life there are natural progressions and you reach a phase and a stage and maybe you have friends and peers who are there and you've attended many weddings and you're always the friend and you want to be the parent not the bridesmaid but the parent of the Bride or the groom so it's reasonable it's understandable to to yearn to be there but you have to ask yourself when you are encouraging that young person what's the motivation is it about them and is it about you and I I would say I'm eager to hear the other greater experts but if the young person doesn't feel they're ready so maybe they lack self-esteem or self-worth maybe we need to coach them on what it means to be ready maybe they are ready and they don't know it but I certainly think that ultimately we shouldn't be pushing or pressuring them until they uh going into the going into this process which can be grueling and filled with stress and filled with questioning ourselves and others really feel that they're in a good place to be be doing it and in terms of the qualities that are important for young people to have to be ready as I said it's a it's a big question a lot packed in so I will try to wrap it up because I know we have a lot a lot to get to but I think that one of the big areas that's missing in general with our young people and dating I feel strongly about this and I've had the opportunity to speak about it is responsibility it's not matter we hold their hands and we cuddle them and we've disempowered them and we've taken so much away from them and understandable the reason a lot of those evolved and developed but in the end we want to make sure that we don't have children who are incapable of being adults because the morning after the wedding we're not living with them and we're not refereeing we're not in between we're no longer coordinating their dates their conversations what they should say when they should say it how they should feel so we need to make sure to prepare them not just to get under the khupa but the morning after the kropa do then how to be mature adults that have a mature relationship how to take responsibility and what it means to be in a marriage of the acharias that a husband and a wife bring to it so in in examining and evaluating is the young person and ready to begin dating it's not are they ready to begin dating like are their shirts pressed and do they have the right clothing and do we have a Photoshop picture to attach to a resume and do we have good references and did the parents volunteer enough in their communities so that when people make the phone calls we could say the right things about them I think we those are questions a lot of people are focused on but I think we have to focus on the person themselves are they mature are they developed are they do they have a healthy sense of self do they have the qualities that make for a good husband and wife I know they're ready to take a highest of what it means to be married saying prayer Rachel do you want to do you want to try them in a bit or what you see yeah I think that was a great that was you could totally join the practice I think that was a great answer um but I guess just kind of like piggybacking on that and maybe just fleshing out a couple points just I think that there is a lot of focus on getting our kids married versus setting them up to have healthy and fulfilling relationships and so if that's the goal I just need to bring my kids to the khapa and then like I can sleep now that's kind of like just the beginning so we really want to make sure that our kids do feel ready and you might think that your child is ready and that your son is totally in the right frame of mind or your daughter but if they're saying they're not anyone who knows any of my work just from online or any of my writing knows I am a big advocate for trusting your kids trusting that they know what's best for them teaching them when they're young that they are the experts of their own bodies the experts of their own feelings obviously we are there as kind of a support and a guide to help them make sense of those feelings but I find that when people are given the opportunity to talk openly about their feelings and they can hear themselves more clearly then they're able to kind of make sense of what they're feeling so if you think that your child is ready and they're saying they're not instead of being like no no I spoke to your Webbie and they said you are I would I would ask a question I'm curious about like what's holding you back what's going on and not in a way of like what's holding you back I want to fix it but I want to help you to gain Clarity in whatever is going on for you and whatever you end up deciding I'm gonna trust that you know that this is the right decision for you and again I think when we are very focused like Rabbi Goldberg was saying on like but my kid needs to get married and if you have that fear of like well the shotgun told me that the list of guys is very small and very like not so great then you're gonna feel like okay but hurry up like I know you said you're not ready but and that girl that was waiting for you she's not gonna wait and we really like the parents or we we just have to kind of take a step back and understand that the most powerful truths that people find the ones that they take the most seriously are the ones that they come to on their own so with your facilitation of asking those questions and talking to them they'll eventually come to a place where they feel that they're ready or they're not but again I really just believe that we need to respect our kids wishes and not force them into situations that we think that they need to be in that they don't feel ready comfortable safe to be in you know I was thinking we were putting at least I want to hear this perspective from a shot fund but you know you know I'm a parent of young children I often think that it starts with young children right like we're this isn't something you know we want to equip our children for their next chapters in life wherever that chapter would be and it has it has a lot to do with what you're speaking about really like responsibility for where they are up to um getting to know themselves being able to feel in the moment and have some agency around that um and not being forced onto the next stage because people have their own Journeys and then getting the support around it and I think that's something that that we recognize as parents is that sometimes we might not be the right person to move them into the next teacher help them figure out what their next stage is and how do we how do we find the right people around them you know um and to help them explore that in a way that feels is healthy for them and safe for them Lisa I would love to hear your perspective from the shot phone because I'm sure this is something you hear often very often thank you for including me so at adopt a shotgun we're basically a network of from all over the world um vetted screen gained and we we're basically we we speak to each other daily about different issues that come up and the number one issue you know that we have is like you know the the getting married versus staying married you know everybody is feeling this pressure and feeling this rush and there's a lot of pressure on him you know people like to paint the picture that's just kind of am I pressuring you well a lot of you are pressuring us and we see that it's it's backfiring because a child could be ready at 21 and there could be children that are ready at 23 and there's no magic number and it's really where the child is and we are now initiating a huge program where we feel like it should be mandatory there should be a mandatory cross-the-board dating formula dating you know module that you have to go through but when you come home from Yeshiva from Seminary I'm not talking about before when you come home feed on the ground listen you know take some courses know what you're getting into and you know I very much appreciate like you know what Dr tuckman said about like trusting your gut but in a way we feel like there are a lot of kids that come home and like they don't know if they should trust their gut or not they just don't have the right tools and a lot of it is from like Robert Goldberg said like the coddling and you know we see it like even when the kids are in in school you know it's like they come home and right away it's like oh I'm calling that teacher you know oh that teacher she he's on my Hit List versus maybe we should be thinking like okay what did my kid do wrong let me think of that place a little bit so we all need to come together to the table to figure out how to equip our children to date healthy because if a child is not healthy and you just want to marry them off you're just passing the book over to some core unfortunate young child who barely has the ability to help herself or himself and you know and then help your child like it's just it's just unfair it's just not right on any level Rachel did you want to respond to that at all I feel like or um I mean I think that just I don't know if I misunderstood but just in terms of trusting the gut I don't I don't know that trusting the gut means that you're always right but it means that our bodies communicate to us so we want our kids to know hey when you're six years old and you're uncomfortable with something I'm not gonna say no no no that's not because then if you're in a situation where it is legitimately objectively uncomfortable I've created a doubt for you that you cannot trust yourself so it starts when they're very young and I understand that probably a lot of the parents that are here are like well my kid's not six anymore they're 19. so Rachel your help is like useless right now but it is something to think about to even have the conversation with your kids to say you know what I know that at this time in your life as much as I want to kind of be in control of your decisions I can't and as much as I want to protect you from making all the mistakes in the world I can't but I still want to talk with you and I still want to help you sort things out and if you're one of those parents that did not have this relationship with your children until now so when you start saying this they're going to be like what therapist are you following now that you're this is very foreign you could say I know that this is a really important time in your life and I don't want to do anything to mess it up I do want you to be empowered and so I want to have the right conversations and I want to help you ask the right questions and I want to help you to feel comfortable and I want you to trust that when you're going into a relationship so I think trusting the gut again it starts very early where we teach our kids from a young age I believe you I trust you you're feeling this kind of way let's talk about it that even now yeah so you went on a date you're not really sure how you feel about this person I don't have to say well continue going out until like you just hate them I can say okay let's talk about it do you think another date would be a good idea what do you think about this what was something that you like what just asking questions being curious but also honoring that there's a confusion or there's a doubt or instead of being like no stop it you're just nervous you're being too picky we really just want to hold space for all the feelings and again it doesn't necessarily mean that they are correct or that they are spot on it just means they're valid and I think certainly going into a marriage young kids getting married like we marry kids off young in our communities 20 21 23 25 even 30 is very young in the non-jewish world when you're 35 with four kids they're like I'm like just dating for the first time right we're babies when we get what cult are you part of right they like they cannot understand it and I mean if you think about it like I was married very young and and it's ridiculous how clueless we were and in a way it's beautiful you grow together and and you become wiser together and you realize how dumb you are together but again we have to just have that in mind that we are still guiding our kids and we are still supporting and and we don't want to leave it all up to them but again we don't want to take control we just want to be curious and we want to notice when we're projecting onto them what we think they need and if we believe they're old enough to get married we need to believe that they're old enough to make this decision themselves you know again with our guidance but themselves can I just follow up on something that Rachel said that I think is really important I don't know the we don't know the age demographic of the parents who are tuning in or the young people that we're talking about but by the time they're 19 20 and 21 it's not too late that's for sure but it's very late in the game to be talking about what do they need to be married what we really need to do is think as parents reverse engineer when we're raising our children from when they're two and three years old what are the qualities as they're growing up that will prepare them and position them to be mature adults and successful in every Arena of life but including if they're a candidate for marriage including marriage and including their parenting do they have the skill set what Rachel's saying is trust their gut we're raising them to Outsource their gut to always defer to others and surrender to others to tell me how do I feel how do I think what do I do what do I wear where do I go so it's from a young age you can't necessarily develop a gut to trust when you're 20 and in the throes of things if you you've been if you've been until now taught to Outsource it so it's from a young age and really there's a story of coming to godolam you know when pregnant what do I need to do a parent you're nine months too late you know all these stories but but we really need to be thinking when a young age what qualities do I teach my children about being financially responsible about being helpful and not waiting for others and taking responsibility how do I teach about the being foregoing and forgiving and making space and room for others how do I learn to listen to my inner voice and communicate and resolve conflict and all these skills that are necessary for life you can't wait till 19 20 21 we've protected and cuddled and now wake up and say think we're going to be able to do some cram session in to get them ready or wake up the day after the wedding when there's dysfunction and wonder where it comes from and we haven't prepared them all those years in advance just just to underscore is that you know very often like will meet singles for the first time and we are shocked on a daily basis um about the disconnect from what the parents tell us the single is looking for and when we actually meet the single and they tell us what they're looking for so really this has to start not when they're dating you need to have a solid strong relationship with your child and for whatever reason you don't or it's it hasn't been possible up until now then you can't be the one um in charge of their dating then you need to give it over to somebody or get somebody else involved and I think one one comment that might I I don't know what I'm hearing from Goldberg and Rachel's and if we're old enough to ask people to get married then they have to be involved in their dating like it's nobody else should be in charge I mean they certainly can be helpful maybe I'm misunderstanding but I think it'd be helpful they could be guiding they could be an advocate but the person who's going to be hopefully getting married needs to be an adult and that's situation and take ownership of of that and that might look different for different people in different families which brings us to the next question because I don't know if anybody wants to immediately comments we could do this all night but you know but to be an active person because once they're married they have to be an active member of that relationship it's not anybody else's relationship um okay uh when I next question is it's a it's also a mishmash of a number of questions I'll try to make it short so we can get to it but when I do my research and make calls what should I be asking what should I be listening out for um so that's interesting I mean it's interesting and we put it together with if my child's not in the shutoff system what if the due diligence kind of be doing what are the boundaries I should be studying at this stage and the the dating process I think there's an interesting question you know how do we support our children and that dating process through this reference tracking or the questions uh you know interesting to hear what people say um say about that um what are important things and what should we be looking out for um in that Arena um and if our children are not in that kind of more conventional traditional system what are other ways we could support them who wants to jump in Lisa do you want to jump in there so there's like a big you know difference of opinion haluque deos we're not going to name names of certain people who feel that the whole research situation is is silly um unnecessary um so I I disagree to a point and again yes I agree that people who put references on their resume those references better speak super super highly of the person and yes you're totally trusting that this person is being honest and in front with you ask direct questions just ask it straight up don't call somebody and say tell me about the person you know don't I'm not saying start off interrogating the person but like if there's something that's bothering you or you really want to know you know does the person have nice me dose how does he or she interact with each other how does he or she um work Under Pressure like there are just certain things that you can ask and if you ask two or three people you'll kind of get the vibe you can you know obviously as discussed when your child goes out on the date they have to should be going in with proper tools that they should be able to pick up after one or two dates certain red flags or like Rachel said you know you've got we'll tell you something I'm not okay with this I'm not comfortable with this but I feel that reference checking should be very very much apart as much as we can um part of a system and also you don't have to get all your FBI CIA investigations done before the first date you can also just do basic fact checking and then if the child continues two or three dates in you can cool more and you can find out more Mary Goldberg do you have any but maybe I'm the uh Anonymous person at least I was alluding to yeah I'm not against the reference checking and it has a place and it has a role and particularly in my interpretation of what's happened is um I'm not that old but when I was younger people set up people that they knew and so the people who were being suggested being ready trusted the person who was making the suggestion and didn't feel the same level today because Baruch Hashem Lisa and others are working tirelessly and selflessly and endlessly to try to to help make sure which is incredible and we owe them so much but working so hard often working on behalf of people that we don't know and we don't know well so then that single or their parent or whoever's helping with their vetting can't necessarily trust the person making the suggestions so they have to do the research so there's a place for it because of sort of where we've put ourselves how have I and I think Lisa agrees we can get back to people setting up people they know advocating for their neighbors and their nieces and their nephews and their friends and young people advocating for people that they know and we can in we can insert trust back into the system we could take away some of the need to do this so I think I I agree there is there is a role for it right now but they should be productive and useful and reasonable questions I'm on many many resumes first of all when you put someone in your resume let them know that you did maybe share the resume with them so when they get a phone call maybe they haven't seen you since they gave you a gift on the beam at your bar mitzvah and they haven't kept up entirely but now you're on the resume and your family moved and they didn't know so first of all let someone knows it and let them let them know the best parts of you so they can best represent and advocate for you but I think the kind of questions we want to know are what make good marriages is this person a person is can they compromise they have a spirit of compromise is it their way of the highway is there somebody who takes interest in others or always needs to assert themselves is this a person who's a micromanager or a person who's open to influence what kind of a listener are they how do they resolve conflict maybe in the way that they grew up in their home is this somebody who brushes conflict under the under the carpet or likes to talk things out work things out before they move on again you have to leave something to talk about still and to get to know each other when you if you actually pass the threshold of making it on the date which today is the source of the same simcha that it used to be when people got engaged now if they just agreed to go out the dancing in the streets so there is a room for references I think that we should ask responsive ones we shouldn't ask questions that we know we're never going to get an honest answer so when you call the rabbi and ask questions about medical history and you're looking for lab results the rabbi doesn't have access to it nor do friends any reference I'm only speaking on my bath the Rev doesn't have access to the lab results and if he did he would be grossly irresponsible to share it and also when people ask me inappropriate questions I'll say if I was your of and I know about you would you want me to share without permission so we should ask questions that are reasonable questions that we can reasonably expect an answer to come to questions that the answer will influence whether we think that's a good idea or not and make sure to encourage people more to explore with curiosity and to build maps to discover about each other when they actually finally meet right it's not they're asking questions it's not asking you know when you when you say yes you're not saying yes to get married you're saying yes to meeting and then you have an opportunity to get to know each other then and that's where you know the individual is dating needs to be really actively involved and being curious by the other person to get to know the person the mental health I don't know if it's one of the questions that we're going to get to the role of mental health in in but as an example so one of the questions we regularly get is someone asks is there any mental health issue with the person or in the family and it's a complicated question because certainly there are diagnoses and there are people who are who are encountering certain uh challenges that should not be you can't hide it's irresponsible not to disclose but the question is is that coordinated is it communicated who discloses it how what's fascinating is they expect the reference to answer before they even agree to go out whereas the boy or girl themselves the post-game are saying it's not till the third the fourth the fifth date so they should keep it to themselves through the first few dates but the reference was supposed to close this close earlier without permission so if we have to remove the stigma around some of these issues because right and again I don't know if we're going to get to this later I don't want to take the time myself now we have experts here to talk about it but there are different levels and different issues that people have and we can't have an environment where if somebody needs some help to navigate add or anxiety or others which is most of the world today all of a sudden going to be eliminated from a conversation that's going to be held against them when by actually addressing their issue they'll make an amazing husband or wife mother or father so we need to really frame the questions productively usefully in a way you can learn in a way which won't add stigma but will make transparency so that we can set people up for the best marriages later I just want to make one comment um like I feel personally because I'm in it from both ends I'm a parent I'm a shot fan like just because you're looking into somebody doesn't give you the green light to ask every type of question Under the Sun you know there's got to be some kind of boundaries here that can't and shouldn't be crossed and questions that shouldn't be asked before a first date you can't go ahead and and put people on the spot like Goldberg said and ask them their deepest darker secrets and between me and you like namely one family that doesn't have some kind of mental health issues and I'll tell you that's a mental health issue in itself because if you're telling me that this family is perfect I you know yeah no comments on that Rachel did you want to add anything I mean I think that when we do research as a way to like assure Perfection of the person we're looking into that's like a recipe for a disaster and I think when people are answering asking questions they want a lot of their uncertainties answered and again you have to ask yourself why am I asking these questions and I think a lot of the time it seems to me I'm Not So Pro the references just in general I I again I understand it's necessary at some level but I find that a lot of time people it seems to me are looking for like what's wrong with her what's wrong with him that's what they want to know and and so when you're asking a question frame that way you're not helping people be honest so we push people underground and then we crutch that we were duped I was just asking if he's on Wellbutrin like what but I know how you were asking me that so I'm not telling you that right now because I know you want to know he's uh he's depressed forget it off the table right he had anxiety in sixth grade he didn't hand in His science project done what how are you asking the question are you allowing people to be honest with you and I know that I've gotten some calls about friends or friends kids and the way that I'm asked the question and granted yes you're going to call me know that I'm very cynical when you're calling me already I'm like what is this right so I'm not a good person to call but I already consent from the questions like what you're trying to get out of me and so I'll say like why is that an important question or what information what is that going to give you to know that you know and I think that again people are kind of like already pushing people out of it's not for I'll go on the date but it's not for me I know it already so you go in with this like pre you know conceived idea of it's not gonna work and again I kind of miss those days of where you could meet in a more natural setting your friends set you up and you trusted your friends even a shotgun that you know in the neighborhood that knows you or you're a rabbi or I just feel like now people are a lot more hesitant and looking for perfect Flawless whatever when they themselves are not perfect and Flawless and they themselves have issues but somehow they want a partner who doesn't have any issues so I just think that we're just not being realistic and these questions that's why I just want them to stop or just completely be revamped they're not realistic and they're not helpful you know and they're not strength based you know they're not looking for positive qualities um which is something that we need to be doing um I was looking for positive apologies in each other and recognizing that nobody comes to say well is perfect and and very imperfect people make wonderful Wonder beautiful Partners yeah um but it does bring us to uh you know a number of questions that came in and I guess something that we or not guess something that we work with a lot here at charm task force is this idea of red flags right so one of the questions that came in was despite Mutual connection between a boy and a girl their families and I I prefer we say young men and young women but that's a whole other conversation I think just language and boy and girl um you know again doesn't allow people to be adult to mature in this stage but um their families don't approve should I interview um intervene I don't know anything about the situation these are anonymous questions but I think often about what are the red flags you know why is it that the family doesn't approve um what things what can be said um if people don't approve if they see red flags um what should people be aware of so it's like multiple questions which is like uh-oh and you're like a therapist but we're not supposed to do that but you know what what is it what are we you know there are times when they've met right people have met we've gone through this they've already met and people aren't approving um or there are red flags what do those red flags look like um what do you think what would you recommend people do when they see red flags um and um do you say something so um yeah start please I think red flags I think that um they should give us pause right I think that sometimes they can indicate a larger pattern I don't think red flags are so clear-cut obviously there are certain things that are really very obvious like very angry or disrespectful or you know constantly bashing your family or violating physical boundaries or emotional boundaries consent issues like those are very obvious things um but then there's things that like are not so obvious and then people kind of feel like iffy about but then you'll have your friend who's like no but I saw a post on Instagram that said it's a red flag ditch him ditch her you know and it's like again we have to see is there a larger pattern here does this Behavior make me feel unsafe or uncared for or do I feel bad about myself and I think what's important is red flags I feel like are more obvious I think we also need to look at green flags right we're always talking about like look what's wrong look for all the scary things but let's look about let's look for someone of the good things which Rabbi Goldberg did mention a lot of them I always say personality capacity emotionality are they patient are they curious about you do they ask you questions are they interested in you are they flexible I think that's something Rabbi Goldberg said are they agreeable do they have depth to their personality do they have a range of self-expression or do they have basic communication skills are they happy are you happy and safe with them do you know their friends like I know people that have come in my office and they're dating for months and they've never met her friends or her or his friends and I'm like this is this is very important information who your person surrounds themselves with you need to know who their friends are and they need to know who your friends are so their friends are important um I think that that people put a lot of emphasis on family on like their parents or their siblings and I would say while that is important because it gives you information about how they grew up I really think that a lot of people are quick to Chuck someone away because I heard their brother or I heard their sister or I heard their mother and I always go back to like if we were like back in the day going to the imaho and and the Avo like they did not have wonderful out resumes their families were not star getting the Mikvah award and the community leadership there was none of that so if we if we're basing how we're choosing a partner on like their brothers lifestyle choices or their parents or were really knocking out potentially amazing Partners so I think again it's not something to ignore if there's a lot of dysfunction in a family but you do want to be curious because some people grow up in a home and they say I will never do that I've been in therapy I want to know people that live in dysfunctional families that build the healthiest families better than the ones who don't admit that they were in dysfunction so I think just looking for green flags are they aware of themselves are they honest about their issues do they want to work on their issues do they take responsibility for themselves are they always blaming other people for other things that's a big one too someone's who's always fetching about being a victim in their life that's like a very hard personality trait to live with so those are the things that you kind of want to look for how do I feel when I'm around them am I happy to be with them do we laugh together do we smile right like am I excited to be around this person and it doesn't mean fireworks all the time I think it's more of a calm relaxed like I just feel like I'm with my friend kind of feeling um but that's important and again that goes back to that like trusting your gut like how do I feel with them do I feel yeah you know a lot of what you said it really resonates with me and the work that we do with like students and young people at our agency around talking about red flags and we all always say red flags does not mean break up or or break engagement or get divorced it's just time to be curious and to slow things down and again then get the support you need to process what's going on so you know maybe the parents it may be someone else maybe a mental health may be above but to know to not have something that makes you feel and some people do have a feeling some people do not for whatever their background do not have that gut feeling they don't you know they never have been trusted to you know if they're not trusted to trust themselves that they haven't talked to be trust themselves and how would they get it then but to have the people in their lives to help them and then pause because and I hope this is okay for me to say um but better to date two more weeks right and we all we got tons of questions how many dates how many 10 Dates too much is it better to date two more weeks and feel either more comfortable with the decision you're making or not get into the wrong marriage right like those are the those are the two outcomes right become whatever that two weeks or that name like it's better to take a little bit more time and feel more comfortable and and explore how you're feeling and make sure it sits well it doesn't mean you can't feel nervous people feel nervous with next stages but is it fear is it does it feel unsafe like those are things you know is there just like kind of like something doesn't add up this isn't making sense to me but I'm feeling so much pressure and we have to name that like we have to name there's so much pressure you know better to take the time and pause and be curious and either make a decision from a place of more safety and comfort or make a decision that isn't the right one and and that's a better decision to make um you know that's how we think about it um we don't ever say you know break would you say okay slow down slow down get support and and I think that's an important place and we often use that language I'm curious I think it really um you know just makes it less scary um it's okay to be curious we need to be curious we need to be curious through our lives right that's how we have growth and you know that's really an important important point I don't know if there's anything you the other panelists want to add or we can move on I would just like to add one thing just literally just happened last week I actually had a couple that was dating they were going at nine ten times and literally instead of the Feeling Just progressively just getting better and more exciting and kind of like plateaued and I actually encouraged them and it was very instrumental in breaking up the shutoff and I was very relieved and I was able to sleep much better because it's not about you know making another shutoff it's about being comfortable and having them in a good place an exciting place and this is like the time like if you are not excited and over the moon and just really looking forward to this and all that would you agree with that statement I think that so so that is something that I think is pushed a lot about like you'd be so excited and then I have people that are like but I'm not and does that mean I'm not supposed to and I say you don't have to necessarily feel those fireworks and like oh my God I can't wait I'm gonna maybe you're really anxious and nervous because this is a really big decision and you might be terrified and especially if you're someone that maybe came from a background where a healthy marriage was not modeled to you and that's all you want for yourself then you might feel really really nervous and you might feel like oh my God I don't want to mess this up so I think even to have nerves and not be excited is totally fine and I've had clients in my office that were dating that were like they were there because they're like why am I not excited like is something wrong you know and it turned out in some of these cases there was a reason not to be excited but in some of them it was just nerves like healthy anxiety that happens when you're doing something big and important you know and sometimes anxiety is just that I'm about to do something really big and important and I feel scared and that's okay you can feel scared but also feel like you really like this person and you do want to go ahead and so we kind of have to like make room for both of those feelings you might feel super duper excited but you might feel terrified and neither one by the way we know people that we're like in la la land honeymoon he's the best she's the best and then it was a disaster marriage and a lot of the time that like honeymoon phase right where like all of our our vision is kind of blinded by this love right like on a physiological level that's how it works importance yep then we miss those red flags we think he's perfect or she's perfect and we miss a lot of the the red flags that we should have seen because we're ignoring them or we're poo-pooing them like oh it's not he's just like that he just makes those kind of jokes or oh she she just gets in these moods but she's fine and then when you know all of that goes away and real life sets in then it's like wait a minute that's not so Charming or cute that's scary or annoying or not healthy or so I I don't I don't know that you know there's any one reaction that like you should have but again I think the safety and the feeling good about yourself and people has to be right like General like excitement you know it's just like an overall excitement well so for some people that might feel I mean I think for some people that might feel calm I mean I think there are people that that in between a red flag that hasn't come up which at least I think this is what you're getting at and I totally agree because I recently had had something like this too was a red flag that we haven't described yet which is when when I have to see him again or her again I dread it when the date right I recently had a young lady not from our community who who called me who was engaged but was describing to me I don't know if something's wrong but I really can't stand can't stand spending time with him I'm so relieved that they're them that limit how often I have to see him and speak to him the whole time we're together I can't wait for it to be over and I dread when the next time is do you think that I should go through with the wedding so there is a red flag you know I like to think of it as and I challenge people what I call the caller ID test I don't know that'll be outdated soon but when you see the other person's name come up on your caller ID when you see a text coming from the I mean you could go from the extreme that your heart flutters and you're and you have a physical physiological reaction you're excited to just oh I'm excited I'm curious to hear from them or to connect with them or to share with them or have their share with me so I think that's an enormous red flag of if you see it and you just press ignore and you and you you know get out of it you say call you later and you say oh again I have to talk again and that's a red flag when you say oh yes I'm excited and I want to share and I want to be shared to and with I think that's a that's a big sign so the caller ID test I think is one of those that's interesting but you have a great list of flags in there sort of the more extreme ones um but I think that basic one that says that's going to tell you what your gut is telling you someone taught me a long time ago when you feel that you're conflicted whether you want to do this or that take a coin and flip it in the air and name Heads This entails that and while it's in the air your gut's going to tell you which one you really want you think you want them equally 50 50 while it's in the air when your gut tells you how you want it to land you're going to know which one you want so the caller ID is kind of telling you what's in your gut how do you feel that doesn't mean that you're always super excited every time you're going to spend time with someone all the time but it does mean that generally speaking what is what is the trend in that case at least I think that's what you're describing this young lady broke her engagement and that was absolutely the correct thing to do much better than later breaking our marriage it would have been inevitable given the lack of feeling affection curiosity connection that she had with him all together I think that's an important the other thing I'll point out just make quickly is when we talk about it the question was um seeing what red flags when should we intervene are they are son or daughter's red flag or are we projecting our red flag is that our hang up our personality our preference what we would want is a red flag for us a red flag for them and that's a theme tonight in several of these questions is our responsibility is to guide and support and love and encourage and and Empower but not to project and so I think it's important to identify is the red flag a red flag for us you know or for them and and we don't always have the expertise to know what's a red flag so for example you know we may see the person that our child is is is really falling in love with and say you know they're way too weak they're way too passive or they're way too strong they're way too powerful well maybe that personality wouldn't mesh with us maybe there would be direct conflict for us but maybe our child that's exactly what they need maybe they want to type A personality who they will will take care of them or maybe they want someone that they can take care of so I think it's important to ask ourselves is that flag a flag for them or a flag for us and and remember that we're not the one who's entering this marriage we're trying to set our child up for their success so that's going to bring us to our next question um if I want to be mindful time and somebody these are really important and when I think red flag is I guess from the perspective of you know being in the Sean task force world I often think about a lot of the flags that Rachel were talking about you know jealousy possessiveness isolating the other person you know things that us you know we see as kind of predictors for later abusive behavior and and perhaps that's that's a little bit different maybe there's another language you should be using or we're thinking about the red flag other kind of what they're called by flag just positive and negative markers of what's what's going on for the person um I love this idea of caller ID like does a caller ID even if you're the office and the person calls and you can't get to it do you smile knowing that the person's reaching out to you or just like oh no I dread having to call him I think it's an interesting thing that's a little bit of different kind of red flag to me than you know the isolation jealousy boundary Crossing things that we're talking about but in the sense of like does is this a good fit like it does does it feel like a good fit if I'm dreading a phone call and has something to be again curious about like if I'm dreading a phone call why is that is it because well that's why I think the red flag discussion is like a little bit it it I think it creates a lot of like panic in some where it's more just these kind of questions do I feel excited around them do I feel happy around them do I feel happy talking to them you know because you're respected can I have my own independent you know information information how do I feel around the image of the green flag is a great image which means yeah yes you know these are things to consider be curious about still learn about but are you generally excited do you look forward to the next date an opportunity to talk or to share what happened in your day right let's point out and highlight the green flags too that's really excited and that's much more important to marriage than some of the things in the resume references he's not going to give you a sure Chloe at your Shabbos table but you are going to want to be excited to spend time together and not dread is coming home from Yeshiva or work so in terms of the green flags I think that's a great image too right so just as a shotgun and like at adaptive shock and you know what we what we emphasize is is our red flag and that's what I meant when I was saying over the moon is our our indicator is if the couple is calling the shotgun if the couple is calling me more than they're talking to each other and or they're involving me after date six or seven or eight like incessantly it's no good I'm not getting married with you I'm not going to be walking down the aisle with you I'm not living with you like it's just not and and I feel sometimes you know depending on the age like if you're 22 like should I hunt him like we shouldn't be trying to patch things up it shouldn't be so so hard in a typical average case but sometimes I think about this and maybe I'm just playing Devil's Advocate with you is that some of that is just people don't have skills we don't teach people skills like we see that all the time we don't teach we don't have communication skills I always say young people I'd say many of us you know we depend on text whatsapps and you know Instagram posts um to communicate our however we do that but if we people might simply they might be in a good place but they don't know how to talk to each other about what they want to do next because they've never been yeah I always get engaged yet they figure this out before you you know before your relationship skills are like in Hassan and kala classes where I feel like in high school we should be reading gottman books and we should be reading for real but we should be reading non-violent communication kids they need these skills for friendships we should be giving them these relationship skills not 19 20 years old right before you get married 21 years old suddenly we're having all these talks about intimacy and sexuality and relationships and finances we should be doing this when they're entering high school and they're starting to think about mature relationships and and connection with people and you know so I we toss it on them and we expect them to suddenly like know how to communicate and then yeah when they're calling the shotgun and the shanghans like lead me out of this already you know it's I I I I think I could own this and I imagine that people here can also that like are we modeling that in our own lives you know we depend so much on on a short text to someone you know we don't even call people to invite them for Shabbos anymore it's just a text in a WhatsApp chat like you know we don't do we just don't do that kind of work where we don't and I don't think that our children really see us having conversations so how would they know and I don't know that that's an Indica is that a red flag or is that something to be curious is it because of a skill like there's a lack of skill and they need coaching modeling whatever or is it really a problem in the relationship and I I can't answer that from here but it's something again to figure out and flesh out because you you don't want to dismiss a potential match because of that but people do need to be empowered because in the day-to-day of marriage they will need those skills um to have you know to flourish um okay I'm gonna get to the next one because our time this is fantastic obviously it's the beginning of a conversation but I think this this is something for it's important for us to do and and you know Goldberg you stepped you you started this you know one question was my child's currently dating someone I have negative opinions and biases is it okay for me to share them with your my child and I I really liked your point it's like is it my issue is there a real issue like flushing that out and I think it also goes back to why you know the first question of are do we need them to write a date for my need to have a child dating and getting married or for their need but let's say legitimately there's something there that just feels newer you're and you're able to say it's not about me this is really about just something just doesn't sit right what what should we do um what do people you know so word of caution yeah this is true from siblings friends parents when you object too strongly and that person's not necessarily going to follow your advice you will have a lifelong resentment held against you because you so definitively and confidently conclusively said that this is a terrible idea would be a disaster your heart will be broken it's going to fall apart and you will always be that person who said that so be very very careful and keep an eye to the Future Bureau as I know lad that if this were to proceed and progress nonetheless how can you say it in such a way that you've not marginalized yourself from that person's life going forward or at least from this relationship and also know that if it does progress they're likely going to share it with their spouse how you always felt about them and what you warned that doesn't mean that you shouldn't speak up when you feel you need to you should but it does I think very much inform how you do it and and it goes back to what we were talking about earlier I think many have chimed in you can do it from Curiosity and say hey you know I've noticed this a little bit have you seen that how do you feel about that you know and and more you're you're curious you're planting a seed you want to hear whether they've even noticed it if you make it as an accusation then the other person is going to get very defensive of it pretend it's not an issue it's an adorable it's a secrecy it's even actually charming and a wonderful quality they have you're wrong and you're off so I we could give many examples of it some things are much more along than others in terms of what we see but assuming it's not something that is what we were calling a red flag alarming uh you know a deal breaker something you think that's threatening the Safety and Security emotionally physically of your child but assuming it's just Behavior or a trend I just think we should be a thoughtful and strategic how we raise it raise it more out of curiosity how do you feel have you seen it I've noticed how do you feel about that than it is from saying look this is terrible it's a disaster I've seen this this is wrong you're going to be miserable you're going to be unhappy so I think it's really careful to be mindful of how we raise it and present it yeah spot on Rachel did you want to add anything to that and you Shayna you can attest to this thing completely that if we do those kinds of things this guy what do you he's terrible for you and then they end up with them and then let's say there's a real issue the likelihood of them reaching out to you if they're in a dangerous situation right we really jeopardize that because they don't feel safe to reach out to you Shane you told me this was gonna happen he was right he said you're not going to be there for me so we never want our kids to be in a situation where they feel like you know what you warned me and now I'm I'm embarrassed that I'm in this situation I should have listened I'm such an idiot and then they're stuck so we do want to come from that hey I noticed I'm curious about what's that like for you I noticed this like here's what I'm thinking but maybe it's just my nerves like tell me are you okay with this and if you are I'm trusting you like really keeping it open because we never want our kids to be in a situation where they feel like they can't contact us and they can't say I'm in trouble like I I need help you know perspective I'll tell you that we find that when you do that when you take a very harsh perspective against someone um then they always align themselves with the person that they love at the moment right so this you know it matters where in the relationship it's a first date and you see something that might be very different but they're emotionally attached to exactly Rachel is saying I could come from a place of curiosity and trusting them and engaging them because later if they do need help and they've already feel cut off then you're an important resource that's no longer available to them and and it makes it even harder for them to get the help they need later so it's a really hard balance and I would say if you're in that situation I think it's important for that person to get support um because it can be so painful to to watch something unfold that feels so scary to you and to really flesh out and you know there's Extremes in it you know certainly you know if you have to figure out but you don't you don't want to have that person feel they have to choose between you and their family their nuclear family their their family of origin their parents and this person that they they are in a relationship with because when I have to make that choice then often they'll choose not you know they'll choose the other and then they're alone um and they're alone and we see that a lot um you know where they they come to us and they're only they're coming to us for support because they have no one left in there and their family to get support um and we're here for that but really um we help we want to help them re-engage their family um there's one last question and then we're gonna have to do this another time because we have many that came in but um I think this is um I'm interested to hear it on your response I pressured my daughter too much to take a proactive approach to dating now she refuses to discuss dating with me how can I handle the situation I think this reflects other questions that came in about relationship of parent and childhood on the stage how does one manage this how does man and let's just call what is how does someone manage the peer pressure the anxiety the fear the sadness um that is so real during this this chapter as well so you want to go for that first tell me uh okay I'll go ahead I just feel like I've been like jumping on the questions but I'll go ahead I think that in terms of the peer pressure and the anxiety um and the fear and the sadness we have to just validate it you know it's there's a real pressure in this world and even if you're your daughter or son is only X you know 20 21 and you're like what on Earth why do you feel this pressure saying that to them is not helpful it doesn't make them feel less pressure so instead you say I get it that you know we live in this world where there's a lot of pressure on you and all of your friends around you are kind of obsessed or even going on like jumping on that train and and you're still stuck here at the stop like you don't have the ticket to take the ride too so just validating them not blaming them that's a big one a lot of time parents will think they're offering advice well you just need two or you should call more or you should go here and then these men and women start feeling blamed I'm doing everything I can mom like it sounds like you think I'm not trying and so I think that's really important never to like to always ask do you want me just to listen or do you want my advice and when you give advice to be very mindful of what that advice is so it's not you're not trying hard enough or you're you're not open or you're too you're too picky or it's just it has to be even more just practical things that you know that they won't feel attacked and again it's sensitive because they're feeling very lonely and they're feeling very misunderstood and they're feeling you know very left out and so I just think listening without trying to fix I think that's our role as parents in general also is just to listen without offering advice a lot of the time our kids just want to like dump it's called externalizing I want to like get all my stress out so that I can face the world and so that's kind of like you know the joy of parenting that we are that emotional Dumping Ground but that's what we're here for and we say I'm not scared of those feelings I know you're terrified you're never going to get married but I'm not even though maybe I am but I'm gonna dive in that I that I retain that fear and I don't spill it everywhere but I know you're a great girl you're a great guy I know you're going to find someone and I know that you feel terrified but I'm going to be here with you and I'm going to help you and I'm going to support you we really just have to be a sturdy presence and if you're getting dysregulated and stressed from your child's dating life I would say please reach out to a therapist I would say maybe support from friends but I feel like sometimes friends fuel the fire with their stress like it could be a disaster talking to other parents about it so I don't think that's a good idea but maybe just thinking about speaking to a professional to manage your anxiety around your daughter or son's dating life um but really just thinking you know I'm here to listen I'm not here to fix I'm not here to offer advice and again you can always say do you want to hear what I'm thinking and they might say no I just want to talk and again next but I'm your mother but I'm your father don't okay that's what I'm here for I want to listen you know I'm listening I'm here I'm not going anywhere and that's really important for our kids to hear is the same daughter is the son or daughter keeping it to themselves is this the way they always are or is this a departure from their usual Behavior meaning do they sit and talk to you all about school and friends and life and this and that and all of a sudden in dating now they're not talking to you now they're not disclosing now they're not confiding I would think that that's a pause to consider why if this is a personality there are personalities there are very private people there are people who are mature and who want to express their being mature and taking responsibility um and their sort of Counter Culture where the parents are overly involved so maybe one indicator is is this fit into their normal behavior in other areas of life or is this a departure from it and therefore a reason to be concerned that they're not sharing why aren't they sharing it's importantly to do it yeah people ask me like yeah I want to become a shotgun like what are the what would you say is like the number one piece um about being the chocolate and I say the number one part about being a good shotgun is to be a good listener just listen listen to what they're saying listen to what they need it's not about you and parents have to play that role also it's not about what you want and what you think is you know what you think it's best for them listen to your child listen to what they're saying and then they'll come to you children see they want their parents approval that's all they want so make sure that you're giving over like the right priorities and and the right focus and you'll be okay can I just mention one other thing something that comes up in a lot of podcasts with singles about singles with and it's important for parents of singles to reiterate is that your child your son or daughter this man or woman has an entire life outside their identity of being single yeah maybe the reason they're not talking to you is because it's all you talk about with them and it's all you want to know and it's all that you ask about and it's all that you demand information on and maybe they're yeah The Vault against it is to say I'm cutting you out because I want you to connect with the other part of me that is a is an avid Hashem that is that is a professional that is involved in academics that is there's so many facets to who I am and how I live and my identity my not yet being a married child of yours is not the sum total of who I am and sometimes a child will push back on a parent because they don't engage the rest of who they are and maybe the way to get them to open up about the dating is to also be curious and interested and proud of the total picture of who they are I feel like that's such an important point to parents and it's important point to community right that we don't only um categorize people as married and unmarried that people contribute in many different ways they come very come with so many different parts and assets and facets and like strengths to our communities and to be able to to Really embrace them as a whole people I mean it's not the only defining characteristic of any of us um we're coming to a close for tonight um I was asked each panelist I don't know which order we should go into just if you have one tidbit one something you would love to to impart to to our audience today um Lisa do you want to start um as I would say is that you know the person that your child might end up with might not be what you dreamed of what you thought about but like please let's just focus on what's right and what's what's good for your child and sometimes it might mean involving a coach involving an outside source and it doesn't um it's not actually sorry for you as a parent it's only a plus you know you take the the most successful or a band like they have to hire tomorrow tutors for their own kids that's just the way it is and just Embrace that and just to give a shout out to Adaptive and if you really really want to hear more in detail about what we do tune in to behind the bema um I did a podcast two weeks ago by Goldberg and I think it was freaking awesome yeah you Sheriff a final tidbit or final takeaway I'm gonna check it out um I think I think parents need to just remember that at the end of the day your relationship with your child is what matters the most and your kids are going to make choices that you don't necessarily agree with and that scare the you know what out of you but you have to just remember I never want my child to think that I will not be there for them in the good choices and the bad choices even more so in the bad choices I love you unconditionally and even if I don't understand or I'm nervous for you I am always here for you and I think that's so important because even if they're not in an abusive relationship but they're struggling with something else in their marriage with their kid in their life they have to know that you're there for them we always want our parents and this is something you said Lisa and I was actually just saying this in a session the other day I hear clients say all the time they know their parents are dysfunctional or unhealthy and they always say why can't they just be normal we always want connection with with our parents we're always wishing for them to Hold Us close even as adults not just little kids even 50 year old 60 year old men and women why can't my mom be this why can't my dad be that be that for your child be there for them connect with them and tell them you love them all the time and not no matter what I love you even more with all of these choices and things you're doing I love getting to know and understand you more and that's it not like well I wouldn't personally do it but I love you anyway you are your own person and I am totally supportive of you and I just want you to be happy and that is my goal you know and I think that's the most that's a message that I think will help give our kids the confidence to make the right decisions and make healthy decisions but also when they're in a position where they realize they haven't that they have the tools to get out of it because they have you at least to help them you know that's really what I would emphasize a lot thank you I'm a Goldberg maybe really piggybacking and complimenting the other things that were said firstly so that was the best endorsement I've ever heard of our podcast thank you and we will link it we're going to link it don't worry I appreciate that I really appreciate that and Sean you're the one we haven't had on we had Rachel and Out of the Shadows okay I need time to follow up on that too um but but I think it's important for parents and and my wife often encourages not to really wrap up their identity with their child to remember that once you've raised your child if they're old enough to be dating and getting married support and mentor and coach and teach and love and all the things that we're talking about but never confuse them with you you're a person and they're an independent person who has free will they have and you're trying to help them Empower them to use their bahira well but ultimately their bahira is not you it's not your idea today it's not your happiness it's not your life and it may not be your choices so as much as dating is a time that we're encouraging younger people or whatever age they're dating to know themselves the parents of those who are dating also equally can use that time to know ourselves and to explore and look in the mirror who are we what are our strengths what are our Hang-Ups how is that going to play into this dating into managing the dating into the advice we're giving and dating into how we react to what's going on with the dating and just to remember that our our children have identities and our nishamas and our people independent in their marital status that is not the sum total of who they are and that the choices they make ultimately are a reflection of them not necessarily of us we'll do the best we can to get them to the best choices we can both be the most proud of but whatever the choice they're our child and we love them and they are not us they're not we have an independent identity thank you thank you I want to thank our panelists for their time passion and commitment to community and the health of the community and for joining us tonight um thank you adopted for collaborating with us on this project all the participants tonight every registrant will be receiving recording to this event along with a link I'll add a link to behind edema um to make sure everybody gets to see that I thought it was it was awesome um a podcast um and we're also going to have an evaluation survey we really we we take your input seriously it's a chance to share your feedback and help us form future programming so please when you get that tonight or tomorrow morning please just take a few moments and fill it out um and if you know anyone who needs to help Sean's task force I would say um we're here for you um you could call text or Whatsapp us at 888-883-2323 thank you very very much and have a wonderful evening thank you thank you