Going from Hypercritical to Hypercomplimentary (17 Tammuz, 5782)

it's that time of year again the banana mataram the three weeks it's a time of year that we dread but we dread for all the wrong reasons we dread because we dread fasting we dread no music we dread no meat we dread no haircut and we get such relief when tish above the day after tissue of cubs and finally we can go back and resume the life we knew were relieved from the dread and the misery of those three weeks but to focus on the externals and to focus on what we have to abstain and refrain from is to be missing the entire point is to miss the entire boat person god forbid has ever sat shiva and then they have to sit shiva again imagine they complain i can't believe i have to sit low to the ground and i can't believe i can't wear leather shoes you say that's what you dread that's what you're focused on i think this is shiva again is the discomfort of sitting low to the ground of not wearing leather shoes how about the fact that you lost a loved one someone irreplaceable that your life is so impacted negatively that there's a void and a hole in your heart of someone who's no longer there these bananas are in these three weeks being back in this place is not about what we can't do what we're deprived of how uncomfortable and how much it interferes with our summer plans or our vacation it's about the recognition that there should be a hole in our heart that something and not only something the thing is missing your xiaomi and yuma famously says no niv nabiyama of any generation in which the best is not built it is as if we destroyed it always points out people misquote this memory people very often distort and misquote this saying of chazal makes us feel better they conclude of as if it was destroyed in your day but that's not what said they didn't say if it's not built it's as if it was destroyed in our day like we're innocent we have nothing to do with it someone else you and i we we destroyed it if on friday if an hour of shabbos on the eve of benamid salmon were standing hashem would look down at our world he would look at all of us he would see the way we interact with one another and he would choose to destroy the baseline make dash today we're not passive innocent bystanders to its absence we're not victims or martyrs of the fact that we don't have it we are the cause it is because of us it is our behavior that's why we dave and bonne y yerushalayim in the present tense because it's up to us to be rebuilding it to be considering what it means that it's not here in our life so many times over so many years we've spoken that all the pain in the world all sources itself in the silica in the absence of the intense presence of the ribonucleolum we're missing something fundamental we're missing something core to who we are and how we're meant to be living we're missing that confidence that he's watching over us and instead we live in a world of chaos and confusion of doubt and of uncertainty and this three-week journey begins with that recognition that it's because of us that we need to do better we can do better and we must do better if we destroyed it if we would destroy it today then we also can rebuild it it's in our hands and it's up to us and the answer is to retrace our steps why would we cause it to be destroyed today and what is the opposite of that behavior how can we repair and to tone on that behavior so that we can merit for it to be rebuilt the gemara the famous bavarian yuma tells us first place samitas was destroyed three cardinal sins the second one was destroyed we all know we hear it and repeat it every year because of senescrimam because of baseless hatred what is baseless hatred hatred usually has a cause and a reason people hate those who look different act different have a different lifestyle vote differently come to different conclusions people hate not for no reason they don't arbitrarily out of nowhere choose someone to hate there's a cause or they think there's a justifiable legitimate cause so what does it mean what is baseless about the hatred that has brought us to today and it occurs to me maybe because it's on my mind particularly this year though it's baseless what's empty what's hollow and the hatred we have for one another is a failure to judge others favorably is a failure to understand to get all the facts to learn the circumstances to learn about the person and their background and who they are and what drives them to understand their motive and their meaning and their personality and their purpose that when we simply look superficially and come to conclusions and we write or we post or we speak about it our shabbos table we produce and we generate a sinner which is khinam it's baseless it's empty it's hollow and if we'd only take the time if we'd only make the effort if we'd only come to the opposite conclusion and start with the other baseline or default then we wouldn't have a sin in the end at all judgment judgment is built into the human psyche the bottom line is we're programmed to judge that's not a bad thing we judge our surroundings we judge our health we judge dangers and threats from the moment we wake up until we fall asleep at night we are using our judgment hopefully with clarity and hopefully in a good way and hopefully coming to good conclusions but we are designed and programmed to judge so it's interesting that the torah never says don't judge torah doesn't say turn off judgment if we would turn off judgment would be in danger would be at risk torah doesn't say stop judging torah instead says learn to judge favorably let your instinct and intuition be for the positive for the good don't be drawn to a negative assumption or a negative conclusion judge by all means it's understandable it's natural but develop and cultivate a habit an intuition an instinct to when you see someone or you see something when you see a circumstance when you see an organization or an institution when you see something develop that intuition to judge favorably according to some the obligation to judge favorably it's not immediate it's not just a nice thing that we do it is a mitsubishi torah a fulfillment of our responsibility to invoke justice to be honest have integrity in the way that we look up and summarize circumstances in fact judging favorably seeing things like kafsrus is considered so important so significant the gemara shabbis lists it as one of the six behaviors that benefit us both in this world and in the world to come that if we want a better life and better relationships and we want to be more beloved by others if we want to in the world to come have a better position and a better seat if we want to be judged in a better way then the habit to cultivate is unlike what is natural for so many to see the negative and to be hyper critical and to assume the worst and to condemn and to criticize but instead to take a step back and say whoa do we know everything is there more to the story do we know the protagonist do we know the people that we're drawing conclusions about are we leveling a criticism without even the courtesy to have a conversation do we go right to post online or to text our friends or to speak at the shabbos table without even engaging the person to understand maybe there's more that we don't know the reason to judge favorably is not only the recipient the beneficiary is not only because the person we may look at more innocently we may exonerate them in our eyes when we take that time to really understand or to think but it's really for ourselves parachute base nasa navy comes to the mall to give him to give him musser but he knows that if he addresses him head on he'll be rebuffed it's unlikely he'll be heard and so nasa navi very creatively couches his muscle in a mushroom he gives david a parable he says there were two men one was very rich one was wealthy and the other indigent the other was poor the wealthy man had a flock full of cattle and sheep the wealthy man had in all the material possessions one could want and that the poor person the poor man all he had was one small sheep to his name the rich man came and took the one the lonely the single sheep that the poor man had the one little joy the one little possession the rich man came and took it from the poor man and nasa turned to dead what should be done what's just what's righteous what should be done and david incredulously said what should be done what should be done the rich man is deserving death how could it be so greedy so haughty he took the one thing that the other person who had so little had should be put to death he turned to him and he said that story that case was merely a muscle it was a parable but david david with all due respect you you are the rich man and uria he is the poor man all he had was batsheva and you took her from him according to the bashemtov by judging this rich man as deserving of death david was himself sentenced to death because hashem judges a person the way that we judge others so when david reacted and responded and didn't say is there more to the story why did the rich man take the one sheep from the poor man what was the circumstance what's the background what's the motivation by rushing to judgment and judging unfavorably essentially sealed his own fate so says the bashem when hashem is determining the proper judgment for a person what hashem does is he shows someone else who does the same mistake who violates the same idea the same hate as that person and when we see that individual who essentially does the same thing as us so when we judge them favorably when we say cut them some slack give them the benefit of the doubt i'm sure there's more of the story then hashem does that for us but when we sling arrows and we see that person and think the worst and assume the worst and come to the worst conclusion when we judge the other unfavorably that's exactly what the ribonus shalom do with us that's why the ham teach us to be so vigilant so careful so mindful in how we look at and the conclusions we reach and how we judge others because through our judgment we are essentially sealing our fate it's amazing we all have this tendency we love to find in other people the wrong that we ourselves struggle with i don't know what the psychology is behind it maybe it makes us feel better it makes us feel less guilty or less shame maybe it in fact even makes us feel superior or better but when we come late to schuler we're imperfect with our record of coming on time we see our friend who comes in little late and we say how could they don't they care about davening we see someone talk we see someone like kavanagh we see someone missed out on a sheer we see someone who doesn't show up to volunteer duchess said we don't see someone's name listed among those who are givers we rush to judgment whatever you are so drawn to judge so quickly is likely just a mirror of what we need to work on ourselves so bashem says when we judge we're essentially judging ourselves through the other what we see in the other is really what we need to work on and if we learn to judge favorably we're kind and generous and we give the benefit of the doubt we cut slack and we give explanations and understandings then the ribonucleam does that for us and when we don't when as too many do we sit in judgment and we draw our conclusions about the other person the other people the other family the other institution those leaders and the kaijbar who judges us in that way bashar says that's absolutely familiar we often invoke and we're davening for those in crisis we describe hashem the almighty is our shadow and says just as the shadow entirely mimics it follows exactly the person the shadow is exactly what we do so he is our shadow if we judge favorably he judges us favorably if we're strict and exacting we see the worst if we're hypocritical and duplicitous if we're drawn to judge hypercritically then who looks on our file and says who do you think you are are you kidding me you speak as much la shanhara you're just as stingy you're just as greedy you're just as late to shul you just have as many challenges and following but if we look away and if we explain away and if we excuse it if we give the benefit of doubt if we seek to understand that hashem will be that way with us as well that's why the german shabbos that saint-germain understands that a person who judged their friend favorably they are judged favorably but why maybe in fact they're innocent but maybe i'm guilty why should their judgment impact me and the answer is the glasses the prism the perspective with which we bring the world is mirrored back on us the gemara tells three stories there we don't have time to elaborate three examples three stories exceptional stories of people who went above and beyond beat down the cafes to judge favorably they didn't have to it wasn't the obvious conclusion to come to but in these three circumstances the three stories the gemara tells these individuals chose as if a game as if a riddle as if a mystery to say hmm how could we creatively explain this in a way that would shine favorably and in all three cases the person who was the subject of judgment turns and says your creativity how you explained it away is exactly what happened thank you for judging me favorably you were right your most creative idea in order to explain why it happened the way it did you were right the gemara concludes with a beautiful tephila in all three circumstances the individual turned to the one who was judging favorably and said vyata kashem and you the same way you judged me favorably the same way thank you you made a phone call you asked you read somewhere something about me you heard something about me but instead of coming to a conclusion you gave the benefit of the doubt you came to me you asked you were open to understanding the same way who should judge you favorably as well simple understanding of the gemara it's a bracha it's a bracha satsila you judged me favorably you should be judged favorably me that can i get me though what a beautiful thing but that's not what it means based on the bashem based in the bashem it's not it's it is a statement it is a fact ah you judged me favorably now the ribonus will keep his end of the bargain he will judge you favorably as well he will see you the same way and so conditioning ourselves to not jump to conclusions to not see the worst to not be hypercritical to not label or name or marginalize or dismiss but to take the time to understand if we really are going to draw a conclusion taylor's secret you don't have to draw a conclusion you don't have to have an opinion about everything not everything is our business in this area we don't have to be so well read i have to know everything that happened every detail i have to read every article and every report i need to know not everything is a mitzvah to know every single detail of other things if it doesn't affect us if it affects us of course we can and we should there's not always a mitzvah to draw a conclusion but if we're going to we should condition ourselves then our default our instinct is to judge favorably give the benefit of the doubt assume the best in someone assume the best it's amazing thing we come late to shul there's always a good reason none of us have ever said you know this was just not justifiable i'm just a no good what can i tell you i'm a failure i came late to show there's always a reason we were helping somebody in the parking lot decided they had to back into the space and almost killed three people there was a backup on montoya's circle there were whatever we ate the night before fast because we thought somehow it would make the fast easier we paid for it all day and came late to min whenever we always find the excuse we always find the rationalization when it comes to ourselves but you know the word rationalize where it comes from the etymology rationalize our rational lies they are rational lies that we tell ourselves when it comes to ourselves we get we're the most creative people on the planet but when it comes to other people when it comes to other people we don't spend one moment to assume maybe they also ate the same thing i had last night maybe they also got stuck in the same traffic on montoya's circle i got stuck in maybe they also had something happening at home that delayed them and made them late instead we say they're always late they don't care about davening they don't care about shule they don't care about minion they're not serious they're not a urethra this phenomenon this phenomenon is a name 50 years ago psychologist ned jones and victor harris coined the phrase fundamental attribution error or correspondence bias and they basically found through countless research i won't share with you that when it comes to other people and the mistakes they make the failures they have we place undue emphasis on internal characteristics that's just a reflection of who they are they're always late they're not punctual they don't care about people's time they're not a real year as shamayim we always ascribe their mistake or failure to something internal but when it comes to ourselves we give ourselves the benefit of the doubt it's external factors it's called the fundamental attribution bias so when someone runs a red light or speeds past us see that person's a maniac they're reckless they're crazy instead of saying maybe they're driving someone to the hospital maybe there's an emergency you see someone kick a vending machine you assume they have an anger problem when you kick the machine it's because your snack got stuck when they kick it's because they've got an anger problem someone's impatient in line in the drug store they're nasty you heard the way they spoke to people they're nasty when you're impatient you've got a child at home with 104 fever it's understandable someone else's cell phone goes off during shul the gall the chutzpah they don't value davening your cell phone goes off i'm a conscientious person i have to be responsive there could be an emergency you know who i am we tend to when it comes to others it's an internal flaw when it comes to ourselves there's an external factor there's always an excuse there's always an excuse we have no problem judging ourselves favorably and excusing our shortcomings and explaining our mistakes but we're not willing to cut the same slack to other people we're not willing to give them space we look for the worst and that leaves us easily insulted and easily angered i've had it myself where someone says rabbi you walked right by me in public this was years ago and you didn't say hello and i know that was on purpose so if i knew the way you were talking to me now it would have been on purpose then but i didn't know it wasn't on purpose i said to the person do you know my child's at home with a high temperature and sick and i ran to the pharmacy before it closes to get a medicine and i'm so worried on my mind and i didn't see you of course if i saw you i'd stop and greet you and say hello of course i would when someone doesn't answer our text or our email or our phone call we assume the worst they're a bad friend and they're a rude and a nasty person and they're irresponsible and they don't have it together when we don't get back to someone you can imagine my phone my whatsapp how many messages i get so sorry i was away and i wasn't checking because i need a break and down time and vacation sometimes you just have to disconnect we're the most creative and the most favorable and the most kind and the most generous when it comes to ourselves and sadly too often we take the opposite when it comes to others and perhaps that's the sinner that we're talking about that is baseless it's not necessary it's inaccurate it's not true it's a sinner which is khinam when we come to unfair and unfavorable conclusions when we don't bother to understand when we are unfair and unkind it is mr nava says don't judge someone till you get to their place and the bartender says about it you know what that means don't ever judge anyone why because you can never walk in another man's shoes you could never be in another person's place partner until you're in their shoes you know they're nicionos you're married to their wife you have their children you have their medical conditioning you get the same lab report you have the same personality the same mental health assessment everything about you is the exact same as that person you know their peco you know their baggage you know their nissan that you could sit in judgment you know that you would react or respond differently you know that you would have prevented something differently you could never be in anyone else's place don't ever judge anyone don't ever judge anyone unfavorably so never fail to give the benefit of the doubt one of my favorite quotes is from a 19th century scottish author ian mclaren i was not happened to be reading but i saw the quote be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about and that is the message of these three weeks just be kind just be nice be nice in front of the other people and be nice behind the other people's back be nice because everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about i happen to be the rev of the shoe of this community i know a lot more than others and i know nothing about the battles people are fighting and the little i know i can promise you don't judge them you'd give everything you have to not be tested with what they're being tested with so just be nice just be nice these three weeks we want the base to make this rebuilt it's not rocket science chastitans and all kinds of other they're beautiful they're wonderful we participate we host them they're great this one's easy this is your homework for three weeks it's fairly easy be nice judge favorably don't judge at all or take a moment to be creative and to try to come up with the most creative explanation that would enable and allow you to judge favorably to see the good because that's what it means to be a good friend what is the mishna how does it all tie in because what makes you a canelo what makes you a friend the menachem synonyms points out the reason this is all in one mishnah is what makes you a good friend is your capacity to be done so they didn't return your call so maybe you didn't even get invited back so you didn't get invited back for a shabbos meal be down like we made a simcha recently barack hashem and as we've always consistently done we invited the whole shul and several people stopped me and they were very hesitant and reluctant and they were felt very guilty and they apologized and they explained exactly why they couldn't be there and i told them that i reacted with a full heart i said of course we know you're doing the best you can anyone who could be there we're grateful if you can't i know you're doing the best you can here's the thing would you do me a favor please try to remember that your kevin and i are also always doing the best we can i know you're doing the best you can you can make it you can't make it you recognize it you don't remember all of us we're all doing the best we can and we ever fail to show up for one another it's not because we're unloyal or don't like or don't cherish or don't value have you done it it's because we're all doing the best that we can you'll note says act it doesn't say yes the person what makes you a good friend when you're capable of judging as kolha adam when you narrow in when you zoom in the lens on the one circumstance the one text message the one invitation that wasn't reciprocated the one nasty comment the one time they walked by you insurance didn't say good shabbos if you make that the sum total of your relationship if that becomes everything then of course you won't judge favorably but if you zoom out the lens and you're done ask you look at the whole person and you say you know i have 20-year relationship of loyalty and kindness and love i'm going to write off that comment i'm going to write off that failed return to my text message because i'm looking at kola adam and when you look at the total person you know what happens then the kafsrus then you're able to see favorably once told the man who came to see him he said it's better to lose an argument and win a friendship than win an argument and lose the friendship you have to decide what matters more what's more important in our relationships and are we building the base i make dash one block at a time or not we have to pivot from hyper criticism to hyper compliments people desperately need to feel good and feel good about themselves to know that they're valued and they're valuable to know that they matter do you know the meaning you put in someone's life and you give a compliment for no reason at all when you say something kind you've built the entire person up you've restored their life you've given them everything and the choice is ours we can look at the world through a negative lens and hyper criticism and judgment and complaints or we can look at it positively and we can see the good we can destroy the base on mikdash or we could be the reason it is rebuilt the choice is entirely up to us i'll end with the story of a young successful couple who found their dream home and shortly after they purchased it the couple sat their kitchen table they sat down everyone buys their new home to sit in the kitchen nook a cup of coffee a breakfast ah wife looked out the window and to her surprise she saw the neighbor had a clothing line she couldn't believe it they're hanging dirty laundry on the clothing line the laundry's not clean she told her husband the laundry's dirty who hangs dirty laundry on the cleaning line so she sat there and said to her husband about her new neighbor whom she never met someone really needs to teach her the difference between clean and dirty how to do laundry a couple days later the couple sat down at the table for another meal and now the wife looked through the same window and saw the clothing hanging on the line was clean she said wow i guess someone taught her she learned how to do the laundry she learned the difference between dirty and clean someone must have taught her how to wash the clothes without raising his head from his plate the husband responded he said actually honey i just got up early this morning and i washed the window and so it is with life we sit and we judge other people's laundry we determine it's dirty and we put all kinds of labels and judgment on it and the truth is the only thing that's cloudy is our vision we see the negative and we see that which is worthy of criticism when we wear glasses and a perspective which is cool negative but if we can learn not a sin but if we can condition ourselves to react and respond to instinctively give the benefit of the doubt to be as creative and explaining and rationalizing for others as we do for ourselves hashem three weeks from today we will not be sitting on the floor but we'll be enjoying the rebuilding of the basal nectars in your shallow