EGO is the Enemy: How to Go From Self to Soul

Thank you so much. So grateful for the opportunity at this time of year in this holy place to be together to learn to grow to challenge ourselves to try to prepare as we can for the days that are very very rapidly and quickly approaching. I want to thank my dear friends Akila become truly close and dear friends partnership in so many ways for this opportunity yet again. Thank you. I don't take it for granted. A big thank you to the ka the learning that goes on here as we just heard tremendous tremendous should only continue to grow and our learning should be for comfort's kindness and please God for her family to find strength through what I understand is a difficult time. I want to spend our time tonight and thank you for being here. It's not early in the evening. Thank you for being here and I want to talk about something that weighs heavily on me that's on my mind a lot that I think about all year round particularly this time of year. It's what I think Russia in many ways are about. It's how we are evaluated. It really very much is the core of defining our lives and that is the concept or the challenge the topic of ego. ego. We're living in a generation where ego is out of control because with all the brahos that technology as you see in front of you bring, including the connections over technology, social media, the Torah that's taught and that's learned, it's so easy to get caught up and infatuated with our our followers and our fans or how viral we've gone or how much attention we're getting or whether we're an influencer and we qualify to get free things or for people to care about our opinion. And underneath all of that is an enormous danger. The danger of the ego. And the ego is in so many ways the core the source of what sabotages so much success in our lives. It sabotages happiness. It sabotages health. It sabotages relationship. It sabotages dreams. There's so many people and I'm happy to share source books or I'll send the link afterwards for those who want to see it. I'll just read to you a couple quotes of people whose names maybe you recognize or don't who described in their own lives when things imploded, when things came crumbling down, at the core of all of it was ego. What drove them? What clouded their judgment? What made them make those monumental mistakes in a way that compromised their entire legacy it all was the issue of ego. I don't know if in a schem some of these people have ever been quoted before but Mike Tyson as we know great successful boxer but also someone who was in prison and had declared bankruptcy said quote to some people the ego is evil. It gives you so much it gives you everything you want but it takes back too much in return. Lance Armstrong who of course won defeated was was incredible record holder as a cyclist but in a doping scandal destroyed his whole legacy said quote that defines that attitude that arrogance you cannot deny it. Elliot Spitzer governor of New York says on a personal level the lesson was that hubris is terminal. Hubris is terminal. People who fall prey to hubris to arrogance end up falling themselves. And this is something I think infected me. me the fall from grace is incredibly painful and it's something in which you learn. Bernie Maidoff, I made a terrible mistake, but that does not excuse me allow myself to be trapped in the greed of others. And the list goes on and on. Tiger Woods, who was in the news yet again. Can't drive a golf cart for five years. His license and was suspended. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted. Right. Here's an individual, by the way, the greatest golfer of all time. The goat in golf. No offense, Jack Nicholas, but the goat in golf. He can't drive. you can't drive a golf cart because in his own words ego get in the way. I thought I could get away with whatever I wanted to. I felt I had worked hard my entire life. I deserved to enjoy all the temptations around me. I was wrong and I was foolish. Charlie Sheen ego was like rocket fuel for me. It burnt hot and then it burned everything down. Ego is the enemy as an amazing book by Ryan Holidayiday is called. Ego is the enemy. It's the enemy. If we look at our lives and we want to identify what is leading us astray, what are the obstacles that get in the way of our happiness and of realizing our dreams of relationships being what they want them to be? Ego is underwriting and ego is under so much of it. What I want to talk to you about tonight is the definition of ego and some of the methodology and strategy. What can we do to confront it? How can we navigate our lives to not indulge or to not give into it? Because it's only natural. It's only human after all. We each have a sense of self and that's very healthy. If we didn't have a healthy sense of self, if we don't know who we are and what we're about and what we can accomplish, if we don't have dreams and ambition and drive, what would we be and what would our lives look like? So, how do we define ego versus self-confidence? How does one properly contain or negate a sense of ego while maintaining a sense of ambition? How does a person have a mission and a purpose? And this is something I said I struggle with because I think about it often. I I was humbled and frankly somewhat embarrassed when I was walking here on the block and I saw hanging outside. I was grateful it wasn't a posh putting me in at least it was just announcing the shar. I told Alex at least that was a relief but you know to see that outside I'm humbled by that and it raises the question which I struggle with often as a person who tries to teach Torah. What's the fine line between teaching Torah, sharing, being a mouthpiece for Hashem, having a mission, but also trying to be humble? Who says? Why make a flyer and why put it up and why promote and why record and why put online? Why not just sit and learn in a corner? If anyone finds you and wants to learn with you, they learn with you. That would be humble, right? Isn't it arrogant every time a sadic publishes a safer? Isn't it arrogant every time a Torah teacher man or woman stands in front of a room and presumes I have something to say that you should listen to. I am worthy of listening. Isn't that arrogance? Isn't that ego? Isn't that hubris? How do we create that balance in life with whatever mission or purpose we want to serve? Whatever difference we want to make. How do we find our mission? How do we advance a cause? How do we serve our people but without it being an expression or without it being something that inflames our sense of ego? This is something that I did and I do struggle with and I think about and that tension each time we do every time we promote, publish, share, teach, write everything that we do. So I spoke to I went around and I spoke to the rashiva and I spoke to my y jacobson. spoke to many prominent people who are proliferating in their teachings right now and half of their teachings are about bal nullify the sense of self and I struggle to understand if we're nullifying a sense of self would we be publishing and promoting or would we be shying away retreating hiding in a corner how do you reconcile the two so these are some of the things I'm thinking about and I thank you for coming tonight and I hope it doesn't indulge my ego but rather we can learn and share together about it So what is ego? When we talk about ego, let's define our term so that we can be on the same page as we take a look at it. We're not using the Freudian definition of ego, the sense of id and ego and super ego psychology. We're not using Freud's definition of ego. I want to read to you the definition of ego I want to use comes from that great book ego is the enemy by Ryan Holidayiday. And he writes the following. The ego we must see most commonly goes by a more casual definition. An unhealthy belief in our own importance. Arrogance, self-centered ambition. That's the definition this book will use. He writes in the introduction. It's that petulent child inside every person. The one that chooses getting his or her way over anything or anyone else. The need to be better than, more than, recognized for far past any reasonable utility. That's ego. The child, the immature undeveloped child inside us that wants attention, that wants credit, that wants to feel better, greater, more recognized, that's ego. It's the sense of superiority and certainty that exceeds the bounds of confidence and of talent. So where does it say that ego is a bad thing? Ego is the enemy. That's the name of that book. But if we turn to our book, the Torah, where in the Torah does it identify or say that ego is a bad thing? Is there an Iser? Is it one of the tayag? Well, Mosha Raen we know is identified as the most humble of all people. He is the greatest. It's one of the one of 13 fundamentals of our faith is to know not just to believe that Moshe is categorically different than anyone else. And what made him different? Mosha Hashem himself endorses or testifies about him. He's the most humble. So that's lovely. That's nice. But maybe it's optional. If you want to be like Moshe, work on being humble. But who says that if you have a healthy ego, it comes with some healthy ambition and drive. Who says if the desire for that attention is going to lead you to do great things? Where does it say? Where does it say it's wrong? Where does it say it's wrong? So of the Torah tells us the Torah there describes it says you should consign the images of their gods in the fire. In other words, don't simple understanding the simple title of the PK is no idolatry. Don't worship idols. So take their images and burn it. Destroy it in a fire. Don't covet the silver and the gold on them and keep it for yourselves lest you be ins snared thereby for the it is an abomination. Don't bring this into your home. So what's this? This abomination. The Torah uses that word in many places. We mo know it most famously with one, but it's many. Anyone who does things that are dishonest in business, dishonest weights and measures, the Torah calls a toe. It's abhorrent. It's an abomination to Hashem to be dishonest in business. Person who eats non-cos, the Torah calls it if a person is not careful with what comes out, goes in their mouth, that's called a toeva. So here the Torah says, don't bring that toea. Leave it at the door. Check it at the door. Don't bring it into your house. What's the [clears throat] TOEA? It doesn't name it. It just says that toeva, that abomination, don't bring it inside. Don't bring it into your home. So what is the toe? So the Ramban and the Rambam both understand what's the Ramban writes or any form of an idolatry. Don't bring it into your house. And idolatry takes many forms today. Idolatry we don't think of as some graven image. We don't in our time see people bowing down to stone and to rock to a graven image. But there are other types of idolatry that we have to be cautioned and warned not to bring into our home. And that's what the writes writes. You know what the tova that you're not supposed to bring into your house is the worship of Adam Mono. Don't be obsessed with your money. Today we don't worship images and idols. We worship the mighty dollar and Bitcoin and the market. People today worship. They bow down at the altar of money. Now, money is important. We're not supposed to eliminate and burn our money. That would certainly be wasteful and we need it as a resource to serve Hashem. But when people when people are attitude towards money changes from a resource in the service of Hashem to something which they bow down to which they worship which they're impressed by the most wealthy most opulent that is something that they admire and that they revere they bow down to then they've turned it into which is what calls that for money is So the and the say the talking about is says a specific money person has to have a correct attitude towards money which parenthetically explains something that we're going to say often in this season which is when Alex gets up and belts out as I'm sure he will. I don't know which tune he uses. Maybe the Vegas one. It's a classic. It's great. But one is always troubling. And I don't want to get on too far of a tangent because I know I'm on the clock here, but I understand it should be roer. Person who does the hard work of changing and transforming themselves. Great. Should be deserving of a new decree. Chuva. Person who do harm and through davining doing hard transforms. Great. How how does sucker work exactly? You go slip the judge a couple hundreds. You go drop a brown paper bag of cash off at the judge's house. You say, "Look, Hashem, I don't want to do the hard work of changing." And daving a long time. That's exhausting. I'm not interested, but I'll tell you what. What's your ven what's your zeal? I I'll forward you. Can I wire you some cash and we'll call it good and you'll scribe me for a good year. How exactly does the stuckle work to be mirrors? That ever bother you? You're paying off the judge. judge. You're going to bribe the judge without doing the hard work, without changing or transforming. You're just going to bribe the judge. The judge who we call the source of justice, of truth, and we're going to bribe him. How does that work? It's a topic for another time. If depending how if I end on time or not, and if I get invited back, we could talk about how stuck works. An illusion is the word stuck does not mean it's when you rightfully and justly give to others what they deserve that was never really yours. What we do is we demonstrate we have a proper attitude and understanding of money. There are people who would give me I have to do a fair amount of fundraising in my life and in my multiple jobs and institutions is an enormous help in that. Great to see you. So, I can tell you in meeting and soliciting people, there are some who would give you their kidney before they'd give you a dollar. There are people whose fists are closed so tight they're unwilling to let go or give anything. And we demonstrate, we demonstrate, we get and we understand money by what we give, not what we hold on to. In your death, you can't take it all. The Mamm is bothered. You can't take it all. What do you mean you can't take any? I've never attended a funeral where there was a U-Haul attached to the hearse. I've never attended a funeral where people were able to take with them some of their most prized possessions. Doesn't matter who you are. We had time I would tell you the Roman story with the socks. It doesn't matter who you are, you can't take it with you. So what do you mean? Says the you can't take everything. What can you take? He says you can't take anything you hold on to. You can only take ironically what you gave away. What you keep you can't take with you. But what you gave away comes with you because what you gave away defines who you are. That stucker you gave the difference you made the legacy you leave that comes with you. What you held on to tight that you have to leave behind. So stuck is because we demonstrate our attitude our understanding of money. And therefore we don't bring that the worship of the mighty dollar the worship of the richest people. We don't bring that into our homes and into our lives because we understand that money doesn't buy you happiness. You know who recently tweeted that? The wealthiest man of all time, the first to break the trillion dollar barrier. Elon Musk, the greatest, the trillionaire, tweeted a couple months ago, they say money can't buy you happiness. And they're right. Trillion dollars challenges in his own family or unhappiness in his own life. Don't be jealous of the trillionaire because money can't buy you happiness. And so says the don't bow down and don't worship it. But the is another understanding. Don't bring this this abomination. Don't bring it into your home. Doesn't belong. Leave it outside. What's the abomination? Says the you know what you have to leave outside? Ego, arrogance. When you cross that threshold into your home, when you kiss that muza, remember that there's someone bigger. that there's more to life and understand to leave your ego and your arrogance outside. It has no place and no belonging inside our home. Leave your ego at the door. And I'll tell you very briefly Mosha bin Jacob of he wrote a safer. You've heard of it called the safer mitzvah. So for short the acronym the smag. He wrote the smug and in it he identifies and enumerates all the tells us what will be the code of every luggage that Jews will have for all time. 613 and there the gar just says enigmatically 613 mitzvah and leaves it like that doesn't count doesn't give us rules to count. So the rishon have a lot of fun being the mitzvah from the and the smag and the smack and the raam and the ram and many others. What are the rules to use to squeeze all the mitzvah we have many more than 613 into 613? Fascinating fascinating area of study. So the smug in his safer safer mitz gdolos he explains how he arrived at them and towards the end of the introduction to the safer he writes something remarkable. He says he finished his safer and he went to sleep. When he woke up he revised his major work to include the prohibition of arrogance and he counts it and he writes the whole story. He went to sleep. He had a dream that he left one out. woke up and he recounted and he realized he omitted one of the tayak that there's an actual love. There is a negative prohibition in the Torah to be arrogant. Don't be driven by your ego. It's not all about you. Ego is the enemy. And he counts it therefore as one of the mitzvah of the rusher. And he writes, "These are the things that distance yourself because they will bring death and they will dim the light of this world." And number one, be extreme. The Rambam writes us in the Rambi the Rambam in the letter to his son the Rambam the Rambam writes in Deos that there are two areas even the great Rambam the golden mean be moderate in all that you do writes the Rambam two areas be extreme and they are be extreme to never get angry and be extreme to never be arrogant in other words be extremely humble and be exceedingly patient and the truth is the zazak it's one and the same because arrogance comes from ego why do we get angry why do we lose our cool because someone didn't do what we wanted because the world didn't operate on our expectations, our timeline, the way we planned, the way we wrote it up. So we find ourselves getting angry and underneath all that anger is ego. So those are the two exceptions where a person should be extreme to be in the other direction be run away as far as you can to go in the other direction and to and to avoid this this behavior. The author of Kelm author of Keelm therefore says that if ego is an isser if being arrogant and having an ego and having that be what drives everything we say and do and decide and think and post that it's all underneath driven by our ego says the author of we have to learn up that same way you learn and chauffeur if ego and arrogance is an is and we have to learn up the suga to understand what's underneath it, what it's all about, and how we can avoid it with all with all costs. Because in the end of the day, no matter how many followers or friends you have, no, how much money you accumulate, none of us are taking any of that with us. The things that nourish and feed the ego are the things that are fleeting and temporary that we leave behind in this world and that we can't take with us, do not become our do not become our legacy. The peloitzo writes in ga he says all bad qualities anyone anything we see within ourselves that we know we need to work on anything it all comes the source of it all is ego it all comes from ego is the Oos of midos rose ga arrogance is the father of all negative character traits and whatever other negative character trait we see see in others which usually reveals what's in ourselves. So whatever it is that we need to work on, whatever we dislike within ourselves, it's all coming. The core of it all, the source of it all, those are all symptoms of the illness. And the illness itself is the ego. And that's why it's something that we have to work on and work on with everything we have. Ego. Ego. That's why the gar says that Hashem looks down and he looks at us in our lives and he says, "It's you or me, but there's not room for both of us. Either I created the world and I'm the source of it and I run it. Or if you think that you do, that's fine. I'm just going to pull back and I'm going to go have a relationship with those who want to make room for me in it. Ego in the recovery world, they say ego is an acronym for edging God out. The danger of ego is that when one lives with an ego, when their decisions are driven by ego, when their happiness is based on ego, when their attitude and their world philosophy and the way they interact with the universe is all driven by ego, by me, my honor, my happiness, why I want it's all ego. Ego results in edging God out. It pushes Hashem out of the equation. When we take credit or blame, when we think it's all about us, when we think we're responsible for our talents, we think we get the credit for our successes, or we think we're to blame when something went wrong. As if it isn't part of some master plan that's beyond us, something that goes beyond us, then we've edged God out. Which is why the second par goes so far as to write that one who is denies Hashem. They're a kofhe. A person who lives with ga with arrogance is a kofhe. You'd say what does one thing have to do with the other? Can't you be the first one in take the longest to say have the longest give the most be the strictest on the kashra standards? Can't you keep it all? And okay, but you have a healthy ego. You're a little bit arrogant. You like a little bit of it means you're a kofur. You're doing all mitzvah is keeping all of the ra is writing something so powerful so penetrating. He says no. If underneath it all you're driven by ego, then all the rest is all about you, your honor, your glory, people praising you, you're feeling good about yourself, that you're the best or you're better than others. If it's all ego, you've edged God out, says the rambler in writ of you, you lose it. There's not room for both of us. Some of you know and I'm so honored you learn in our Jeremy Morgan. Thank you to his family for sponsoring. We talk about all the time that what the stipler here is writing. You can't claim to have amuna. You can't be living with amuna if you're living with ego because there's not room for both. You've edged God out. You've edged God out. So if you panic or you're anxious or you're worried about what will be, you're worried about your ego, if it's going to be in a way that makes you happy or everything's going to work out the way you want, you've edged gone out. That's not living with amuna. No matter how much you say, you say all the lingo, you got all the swag. You're talking about amuna all day long. You subscribe to every WhatsApp group and newsletter. You're singing every Thank you, Hashem song. But at the end of the day, you're living with envy and arrogance and anger. If those midos those offspring of ego are consuming your life, then the truth is that you have a long way to go in amuna and that's the area that needs to be worked on the most. Alisha writes he says that humility is the core for constant growth. This ego that drives that pushes so many And and a person who has an ego walks around as if they have nothing to learn from anyone else. We know that the real wise person is the one who learns from everybody. And at the core of our inability in the core of our stubborn obstinency to be willing to learn from others to be close to influence is ego. How many marriages break down and fail because one of the parties is not open to influence. They're always right. It always has to go their way. they're not willing to listen to maybe there's another opinion. Maybe there's another way to see it. Maybe there's another solution to this problem. Or maybe there's another alternative to the choice that has to be made. Or maybe others are entitled to think differently and have different taste. When a person thinks it's ego, it's me. You can't vote differently than I voted. You can't wear a different yarmaka than the one I wear. And in our home and our lives, everything has to happen on my schedule and according on my menu and according to my itinerary for life and the way I drew it up because it's all about ego. It's undermining my ability to listen to learn to be open to influence. I recently wrote we talk often about John Gottman the expert on healthy marriage where he talks about one of the greatest indicators of a failure of marriage or any relationship is not being open to influence. I encourage people who are dating that one of the things they should look for. Nobody's ever called me get lots of phone calls on the fun parts of the job of and all kinds of questions some of which you could never imagine or believe. And no one has ever asked me even since writing the article is is so and so are they open to influence? Are they easily influenced? Are they open to influence? Are they willing to hear or see another side or perspective? That is the critical question. That is the greatest indicator of what kind of marriage you're going to have. Are two sides willing to listen, learn, to be open. And when they're not, says Ravula, it's because of ego. Ego gets in the way. Why would I listen to you if I have all the answers? Why would I defer to you if I'm always right? Why would I do it your way if my way is always the best way? And all of that is ego that undermines. So there's nothing to listen or learn. First person with the ego, obviously not you. They were here late on a Tuesday night. But they never learn. They never listen. They never read. They never open. There's a great quote Ralph Waldo Emerson who believed in learning from everyone. He said, "In every man there's something wherein I may learn of him. And in that I am his pupil. In every man or woman, he would write in a politically correct world. In every man there is something wherein I may learn of him or her. And in that I am his pupil." He was really just paraphrasing what our said much earlier that the ability to learn but that's predicated on being able to control our ego our ego and that's what gets in. So point number one is that ego edges got out. If you're a real balamuna, then the first thing to work on is to be humble, to be a student of Mosher Rabenu, to recognize that yes, 100% Shabas and Kash and all of are critically important and yes, midos are important. It's not enough. We'll talk about it's not enough. You know, some of the people who work the hardest to be humble are the most arrogant. Being exceedingly humble can be an expression of arrogance. of arrogance. I was once in a conversation that included somebody who was very wealthy you call it ver and he wanted to make a very humble wedding and the person made the point to said you know everybody knows who you are the stuckle you give the life and and not to the detail but the capacity that you have if you make a wedding that is too simple you'll call more attention to yourself than if you make one that's ostentatious. So you have to find the right find the right balance of the wedding to make that won't call attention either because it's over the top ostentatious or so simple that you want everyone talking about how simple a wedding you made because that's incredibly arrogant to make too simple a wedding would be incredibly arrogant. You could debate it. Fascinating topic. I'll leave it to you if there's such a thing. But it means that sometimes excessive humility can come from a place of arrogance and ego, not a place of humility. Not a place of humility. And when it does, whether the ego and arrogance are out loud or they're operating quietly in our hearts, but they've edged God out because Hashem says there's not enough room for both of us. CS Lewis, I sound really educated tonight. CS Lewis also had a great quote. Only my parents heard this. A proud man is always looking down on things and people. And of course, as long as you're looking down, you cannot see something that is above you. Isn't that amazing? A proud person is always looking down on things and people. And of course, as long as you're looking down, you can't see something or someone that is above you. When you walk around arrogantly looking down on everyone, then you'll never look up and see him. You'll never find Hashem. So ego has the horrific result of edging God out of knocking him out of the equation. That's why it's so important the way we start our day from the very beginning the moment we open our eyes the first words on our lips are. Now grammatically you know better than I in Hebrew that's incorrect grammatically it should be I am grateful. I am grateful. So we butcher the grammar every morning our entire lives. We're teaching our children some of whom Hebrew is not their first language but we're teaching them mod an should be the first words on their lips every day and we teach them grammatically incorrect instead of mod so brought down in the says you know why because you cannot wake up and the first word you say is I so we say it incorrectly grateful am I we would rather rather butcher the language than destroy ourselves. So we say grateful am I even though that's unnatural and inaccurate because the first word we say in the morning can't be I we wake up we greet the day ah good morning world I I am here I I am awake I am ready to take on the day the first word we say can't be can't be say in a lot to say on that in another context but Again, I saw a beautiful shot in the moi. If your whole life is I is ego, is arrogance? If your whole life and everything is all about, do I have the right seat? Did I get the right attention? Do I have the right honor? Did it happen my way? Is it the I want to leave the dening? Did the rabbi speak just the length of time I've allocated for him? If a person looks and lives and in every aspect of life is all about ani that's the way they interact with their spouse, their children, their parents, their family, their neighbor, their friend. If everything is about ani, they've created a life which is it can't be an which is because we know the thing that stands between us and God is says when he comes down with the luc. Oh, thank you. [cough] Thank you so much. says now the literal meaning is I am standing between God and you relax don't worry he's not revealing himself anymore you have no reason to panic I'm here I'm an intermediary the all reread the and say you know what's you know what the biggest obstacle the biggest impediment to a relationship with Hashem is an isi when it's all about me and I and ego that's what stands between us and Hashem and that's something to think about especially this time of year we're about to coronate the king we're about to stand before him and even here two days of yiff and long dings and if we're struggling and we're not connecting and I often have conversations with people say I'm just not connecting I'm not feeling it it's not flowing it's not working the first thing to explore to think about is where's my ego in that is ego the thing that's omin did something happen in my life is my attitude to the world in such a way that standing between my ability to serve Hashem is the ego in the way. So it brings us to the question that I started with. So if all this is true, if the smog is right that there's a mitzvah, a negative prohibition, you can't have an ego, you can't be arrogant. It's we're told the don't bring it into your home at any measure. Be extreme excessive in the other direction. Humble that if you live with an ego, you've edged God out. that the ani you can't start your day and say and is and that is if you in introduce if you impose an I in everything then you'll have a life that's more bitter than death if all that's true does that mean I can't ever I don't know we finished I'm going to leave my daughter Estir so happy to spend time with her I'm going to go back my wife she's gonna say how'd it go so if I say I think it went well so is that ego am I allowed to be proud and prepared I worked hard thought about today what I wanted to say I stood in front am I allowed to be I think think it went well not done yet jury's still out but let's hope we can finish well so am I allowed in life to be proud of anything we look back on our accomplishments at the end of the year and before we go ask for the things we want in the next year we have to press pause and be grateful for the things that happened in this past year been speaking a lot about this lately I'm trying to practice it myself I've even given people an exercise open your calendar and go through since last rashash this last 12 months, the places, the people, the things, the experiences, the events. Before you go ask for the next year, do we stop and say thank you for this year? How many things that 12 months ago we were dominating so hard for, we barely think about now? Are we grateful for the past before we ask about the future? So, when we look back on this year and we say, you know, that went pretty well and got this done and met that goal and I'm I'm feeling proud going into Russia Shana, it was a real growth year. We set some goals. We made some kabalas individually as a family as a we allowed to be proud. So I want to tell you an amazing an amazing says the following. The warns us we just read it recently. The danger Moshe cautions us. He warns us lest you say in your heart it's my power, my might, my talents, MY SKILLS, MY ACHIEVEMENTS. I got this done. It's all about me. Person should not say that. God forbid. God forbid translates. It's true you chose which stock to buy and go long on. It's true you know whether to go long or short the market. It's true that you made a good investment or you worked hard and you brought in all those clients and customers or you figured out how to market or you did the preparation to give that great shar whatever achievement you're proud of. You put in the time you used the energy you put in the work and you should be proud of that. but points out the drashes based on this las who gave you the IQ, the intelligence, the memory, the skill, the insight, the analytic ability, the energy, the strength. Who gave you the talent and the blessing to get that done? To get that done. So the tells us something brilliant and he says, "Hashem never asks us to not be proud of what we've accomplished. What he wants us to do is say whatever we got done, it's only because Hashem was kind to us." In fact, that's the end of the Yes. What we're supposed to remember is don't say what we should say is he gave us the skills and the talents. He lent them to us. And just as he lent them to us, he can easily anytime he wants take them away. They're not kohadi. They're not my talents and my skills and my ability. I was just before this we have the reason I'm here so close to Y is the birth of our grandson tomorrow morning here in so we had the we gathered we said I got to go to the shar everyone was having dinner said you going to eat I said no I can never eat before she I'll eat afterwards I'm always ravenously hungry afterwards why can't eat before I said I get a little nervous I have some butterflies before a shir so someone there said you get nervous you speak a lot you still get nervous yeah absolutely every time I speak because I try to live with this run and I know that whatever gifts or talents, whatever we have, it's on loan from Hashem. It's never part of our permanent collection. I could get up and stand before you and altogether forget how to speak, not find the words, not come out coherent. I could stand in front of you and become exhausted or have to run out to use a million things can happen that can make it not go well. And whatever gifts or talents, whatever is going right or well in our lives, it's not it's not my talents and my skills. It's who it's on. is never part of a permanent collection. And if you don't believe that, just look around at the world and I'll give you just quickly again a few examples. A few examples. Any remember anyone remember Chuck Knoblock? Any Yankee fans? Judges back. Any remember Chuck Knoblock? Thank you. Thank you. God bless you. Chuck Knoblock was a former Yankee All-Star, rookie of the year, won several World Series rings, gold glove winner. He went to four All-Star games in 1999. I remember it. Out of nowhere, he started having problems. This allstar all-star infielder for the Yankees, rookie of the year World Series champion, he couldn't throw the ball to first base. You remember that? It was so sad and pathetic to watch. There was actually a point in his career that he started to underhand. This is a major league professional award-winning baseball player on the Haley Yankees, and he had to underhand throw the ball to first base. He ultimately had to retire. He had to walk away from the game. They tried to move him around to different positions to see if they could save his career. And he had to retire from baseball. You know why? Because even the ability to throw a ball to first base, it's never permanently yours. It's only on loan from Hashem. They're brilliant people tragically get memory loss. One of the biggest challenges of our time. We see people with dementia, Alzheimer's. Brilliant, brilliant people who all of a sudden couldn't remember in every arena and area of life. singers whose career ended because they lost their voice, laryngitis. Something happened. They had to cancel concerts. We've seen it in every area and arena of life. People who thought that that talent, that skill, person whose driver's license is suspended and can't drive a golf cart anymore, was on his way to surpassing all the records. But that game was elusive. It was on loan. It was never fully his. He never fully owned it. And the truth is with all of our gifts and all of our talents and whatever we have the attitude we have to bring is the that it's not we can be proud. We should be grateful and we can take joy and in our accomplishments but always all with the caveat that whatever we did and whatever have that good that's going on it all comes from Hashem. So why is ego so bad? I know I'm on the clock here but bear with me. So I want to give you several reasons. The book Ego is the enemy enumerates them, but they're all of course sourced in Torah. Torah says it earlier, more authentically and more articulately eloquently. It keeps us out of touch with reality. Number one, the says that a person who has an ego writes that a person who has an ego is not in touch with the reality around them. You know what that's like? Because we all know the the person with the biggest ego, they think they have all these friends, but the truth is nobody wants to be near them. Nobody wants their relationships are all superficial and the relationships are all fake and everybody's walking on eggshells and everybody's tiptoeing around them and their their um self-awareness about the relationships in every part of their lives. They're not in touch with reality. We can't hear critical lessons. We're not open to influence. It creates unrealistic expectations and a sense of entitlement. Ravula writes that ego makes us assume that we deserve we deserve we deserve that outcome we deserve that job we deserve that bonus we deserve that raise we deserve that promotion we deserve to be treated in that way we deserve that seat we deserve we deserve whatever it is it gives a sense of entitlement ego brings with it entitlement and entitlement right is something that has a tremendous negative impact in undermining people's happiness number three it makes is dependent on external validation. A person who lives and driven by their ego never feels gratified or satisfied internally is never comfortable just in as long as Hashem is happy with me as long as I'm bringing to the then I'm good. But a person who's driven and lives from ego lives also dependent on external validation writes this in rather writes this in as well. He goes on and on and he writes and he describes that uncovered that a person who lives for is only ever happy or satisfied or satisfied when they're getting the honor they want. Did I go viral? Do I have the likes? Do I have the friends? Do I have the follows? Did I get the comments? Am I an influencer which somehow became a a profession in the firm world? We always admired and we elevated and we aspired to be people who have positive influence dava the noun of the influencer who succeeds only based on how much attention they're able to garner and therefore it undermines the judgment and the clarity of what to do because everything is ultimately all about how much attention they can get. It's a very dangerous slippery slope and a dangerous game to play. It's all external validation. external validation as opposed to understanding that we live for Hashem's validation to know that we brought to Shalom. If you let ego take too much control of yourself, you become dependent and that validation has to come in all these other forms, people's praise, the honor you receive, the recognition that you get and so on and so on. Ego needs recognition and that's problematic. So how do we get rid of it? How do we purge it? So the tells us that a person has to be exceedingly exceedingly humble beautifully describes there writes on that Mishna all about how to be the extreme to be excessively humble to realize and recognize that we don't come here from nowhere. We're not responsible for who we are. We can take pride in what we've done with the gifts we've been given. But those gifts that are known, they're not part of our permanent collection. And the sadik and we don't have time tonight to learn through together. As I said, I'm happy to share share these source sheets, but Ravid Morgan Stern is and many others today emphasize and focus and walk us through practically how to practice BL, how to nullify, how to get rid of that sense of self, how to not live for a me, an I, an ego, an arrogance, a need for that attention and that validation. But of course, the question that's left is so what is there? What is there if I don't have if I don't have a sense of eye? if I don't have a sense of self. This is a big part of the notion of the hard work of recovery. My friend Manak Pasnanski wrote a book stepping out which is stepping out of the abyss. It's called the Jewish guide to the 12 steps. And in the introduction he talks all about the ego the root of spiritual sickness. He sees as the core of all addiction the ego. The ego is what got in the way. The ego thought the same ego that got the person into the problem thought it was going to get them out of it. And it's only when a priest is willing to practice nullification, surrender, submission. When a person is willing to surrender to a higher power, in our case, of course, the higher power is Hashem. Only then is there hope for that person. The broken wrench can't fix itself. He writes, "All the spirituality in the world cannot penetrate the wall of self-p protection, gratification. The alcoholic becomes so obsessed with me cannot make contact with or experience anything outside of himself or his own self. problem with ego and selfishness goes even further. They're not only at the root of the problem, they're also the greatest roadblock to a solution. And that's what we see. The people who are struggling, egotist, egotistical people, what do they often say? I got this. I got this. I'll fix this. I got this. I got this. I'll make it right. Same person who created the problem with their poor judgment and bad behavior brings that attitude of I got this. I can make this right. But that's exactly the problem, the obstacle. That's what's standing between. That's why we need this B that ability to enter this world of B that he writes so much about person should always be focused not on what they did until now but what do I need to do next? What's my mission? What's my purpose? What's my why? Why am I here? And what am I meant to serve? And that's my real message for you tonight is that there are two alternatives about how to live our lives. We could live either based and driven by ego or based and driven by elocus. Ego or elocus. Ego or elus are the only two choices. I'm here because it's all about me, my honor, my pride, my joy, my life, my wants, what I need. Or is it all about Hashem? I'm here to serve him. I'm here for a mission. I'm here for a purpose. I'm here because my work is not yet done. Now to be clear, the second choice, which is of course the right one, doesn't mean a life where you surrender all pleasure and happiness and joy and fun. Hashem wants us to enjoy the ride. He wants us to eat well and sleep well and have fun while we're on the ride. Person could be on a business trip. They could be sent by their boss to go accomplish a goal. And on the ride, they stay in a nice place and they're transported in a nice way and they enjoy a good restaurant, but they never lose focus on what the mission and what the purpose of why they're there. It's never about them. They're not there. Imagine that person comes back and has had the meeting go. Did you accomplish the goal? I totally forgot about it. I forgot the hotel was so great, the amenities, the food, the restaurants. It was so fantastic. I forgot to do what I went was supposed to do. our lives. We can enjoy the ride, but we have to remember why we're here, what our purpose is, what it's really supposed to all be about. Supposed to be at about a sense of anova with a healthy dose of Roma. Anava with Roma means humility. Mosher Rabenu didn't say, "I have no talents. I have no skills. I'm a nobody." Humility is not thinking less of yourself. It's thinking of yourself less often. Humility is not thinking less of yourself. It's thinking of yourself less often. Mosha didn't know that he was a leader of Of course he did. He didn't know he was gifted talents and skills from Hashem. Of course he did. To be in denial of the gifts and talents that we have is not a expression of humility. It's foolishness and it's also a failure to fulfill and pursue our mission and why we're here. We need to know and identify the gifts and talents, the resources that we have and how best to use them to serve Hashem, to help repair and redeem his world. Not to serve ourselves, but to be in denial of those that's a failure to have that relationship with Hashem all together. It's a beautiful insight I saw in the safer the fun of he says tells us When we bow down, we say the word and we stand up tall. We stand up straight and we say Hashem's name. Why? We bow into all these calisthetics, all this exercise, all these stretches. We're bowing, then we're standing up straight. Listen to what he writes. He says, We have to know that when we bow, we surrender to Hashem. There is no I. There is no self. This is your world and everything in it. And I'm just an expression of you. You breathe life into me. So we're going to mark and celebrate in a moment with Rashashana. And I bow down. I surrender. I submit to you. There is no I. There is nothing in the world but you. Then I say Hashem's name and I remember that there's a piece of Hashem in me. I remember that I'm not like a piece of God. I literally am a piece a unique expression of Hashem in this world. How can I not stand up tall? How can I not stand up proud? How can I not stand up with a sense of mission? So every time we dive in, we bow and we rise. When we bow, we surrender. We submit with the recognition there is no eye, there is no ego, there is no self. But when we invoke, when we say Hashem's name, immediately we stand up, we stand up tall and proud knowing there's a piece of Hashem in us. Famously writes, we think that amuna, living with amuna is all about belief in God. But living with amuna is not only believing in God. There's another level of amuna. It's believing that there's God in me. Sadly, neb so many people, so many crises in mental health. They come from people feeling so inadequate and so unworthy and so invisible. People who beat themselves up so much who are willing to forgive the world but are unforgiving to themselves. They just don't believe that they're worth anything. They don't believe they're worth anything. They don't believe that the world will notice if something, God forbid, happened to them. So much of the unhealthiness comes from that sense of I don't matter. I don't mean anything. I don't make a difference. Says a Jew has to have faith not only in God. You have to have faith that God is in you. There's a piece of Hashem inside each and every one of us. We have to believe in ourselves. That's why he writes to the appears after the afterm warns us of what will happen if we're not compliant and obedient. The mitzvah of come what's your what's your worth? Because every yet every Jew has a worth. Every Jew has a worth. The sofa writes the keshm that sits the coin wore this headpiece on it. It said kodashem to atone for arrogance. Gumar tells us each of the big day kahuna atoned for another negative quality. How come on the headpiece it said kodashem? Because the need to know our sense of self is for kesashem. Arrogance. The opposite of arrogance is realizing that I direct and channel my whole sense of self. Everything in my life is keshm. It's all dedicated and it's all focused as being towards towards Hashem. The parish such a beautiful he says wakes up after that fateful dream and he says he says because I had the dream and I thought where's Hashem? He's at the ko. He's in the he's at Boceron synagogue. Hashem is in. He's in the base. He's when I'm doing religious activity. But you thought Yakov running from his brother now facing the real world. He thought in that world at the gym and in the supermarket and at work, there's no Hashem there. But now that I realize that Hashem is everywhere and therefore since I see Hashem everywhere and I know that he has a mission for me, That same the ego, the self, the I no longer know the eye. It's no longer about the self. Hashem is with me and he's with me everywhere I go. So therefore, we need to know that humility is not a lack of self-confidence. Humility doesn't mean when someone comes over to you and says, "Can you dab in for the n I don't have such a good voice. I don't need." Humility is knowing I've been given a gift and I have to share with the world in Hashem's way. And when people after Musf say that was outrageous, that was incredible. I don't say yes it was. I say thank you. Hashem gave me this ability. I'm so grateful for it. I hope he never takes it back from me. That's humility. I found an article in Harvard Business Review. How will you measure your life? It's a worth article to read, especially this time of year. How will you measure your life? But I'll just read to you one paragraph, and I know the clock is ticking. We're winding down. As long as I keep saying that I have more time. He says the following. It's a little rabbitic trick for you a little bit. Some of you are already getting a good deep sleep so I don't want to wake you. And the others hopefully it means you know something worth still listening to. He writes the following. How will you measure your life? Clayton Christensen also probably never quoted in the show before. And he writes the following in Harvard Business Review. I got this insight when I asked to teach a class on humility at Harvard once that meant something that place but I don't even know if you're allowed to say it in front of Kodish. I asked all the students to describe the most humble person they knew. One characteristic characteristic of these humble people stood out. They all had a high level of self-esteem. They knew who they were and they felt good about who they were. We also decided that humility was defined not by self-deprecating behavior or attitudes but by the esteem with which you regard others. Good behavior flows naturally from that kind of humility. For example, you would never steal from someone because you respect that person too much. You'd never lie to someone either. It's crucial to take a sense of humility into the world. And so one of the ways that you'll measure your life is how humble you were and humility. He says in this informal study the correlation that the most humble people also had the highest level of self-esteem. You ever notice the opposite correlation that the most arrogant people have the lowest level of self-esteem. The people who have the most inflated ego who it's all about them. They need all the attention. They suck all the air out of the room. Those people it's because they have this lowest self-esteem. Humility doesn't mean having low self-esteem. Humility is how you get the highest self-esteem. It's paradoxical. How does humility give you the highest self-esteem? Because when you fulfill the sat of charge, when you have amuna, not only in Hashem, but you have amuna that hashem is in you, how could you not have self-esteem? When you recognize and realize these talents, these gifts that I woke up this morning, not I woke up this morning. He has renewed my contract for another day because I'm not done yet. There's something for me to give or do in this world. There's a mission for me to pursue and fulfill. There's a reason I'm still here because I got the ultimate endorsement. I got the ultimate praise not from my boss, not from my parent, not from my neighbor. I got the highest endorsement from Hashem himself, the creator of the universe. Extended my contract another day. That's why how do we end modi? With two words, Rabbah, which is kind of peculiar. We described not our amuna. We talked about we have to have ine we have to have in ourselves and ali ends with hashem has amuna too. Who sees amuna in? If our in America money says in god we trust in whom does god trust what's you have faith who does god have faith in there's a reason we start our day with because if we woke up that day god has amuna in us. He's in our contract another day. God believes in us and he believes we're not yet done and he believes we're here for a reason. He believes we have more to do. And how could you not have the highest self-confidence? How could you not have the highest self-worth which are not synonymous with arrogance and ego? They're the opposite. A person who practiced, the sadik I spoke to understood that when they're publishing their accepting to speak and to teach, even if uncomfortable posters are going to be hung, as long as it's not all about them, it's about the Torah they're sharing. It's not all about them any honor, any glory or even the leftover rug. It's all about what impression, what impact, what influence, what difference. How can I fulfill the mission of what Hashem gave me of why? I told me when I asked him this question, he's prolific and he's incredible. And he said that the Reb is the Reb says that when Hashem tells about what he meant, what he told a was not you're going to be the biggest influencer of all time. You're gonna go viral like nobody's ever seen. I'm gonna give you the biggest name. I will be great through your name, says Hashem. We have a great partnership here, says Hashem. I'm the hidden partner. I'm quiet and I'm hiding. But if I want my message and my lessons and my values and my vision for this world to get out, then your name needs to be made great. So you're going to be prolific because says Hashem, I can be great through your name. So when we when we are interested in having an impact, we're interested in our name being out there so to say, but not about us only as a channel and a conduit for Hashem's name. Then that's what it's all about. That's our mission. That's our purpose. That's our why. That's what we're trying to accomplish and achieve. There's a contrast between two olives. The olive of Adam and the ALF of Mosha Vikra is the small olive of Moshe as opposed to the al of and those are our two choices two types of B. The Reb has a do something don't try to be somebody. Our mission in life the bumper sticker maybe we'll create new swag for this which is do something don't try to be somebody. There's a huge difference between them. When I turn my eyes to the mountains, the right means from you know where my help comes from. When I'm able to succeed in living or it's either about me or I nullify the sense of I the ani that'sin. I can kill the sense of ego. I can get rid of the writes the Reb. What is the desolates? If you want to learn Torah, the only way to do it without making it conform to you, your ego, your honor, your world view, your preconceptions, the only world to authentically learn Torah is when you're miss. We have to get rid of the ego. Learning Torah is how? When we learn Torah and we come as a blank slate and we don't try to impose ourselves on Hashem, but we let Hashem inscribe himself on us, then we're killing that sense of atmo in ourselves. And that's the only way to do it. We have a choice. We can try to be somebody impressive or we can try to do something impressive. We can live for ego or we can live for elus. Which one is it going to be about? And the way to do that is to focus on effort, not the outcome. The outcome is up to Hashem. That's living with amuna. That the result, the outcome is up to Hashem. Embrace your place. You are where you're meant to be. Let go. Let God. All of those are to remind us that the outcome is up to him. Our focus should not be on the outcome. Ego tries to get us to focus on the outcome. That's ego. Our focus should be on the effort, not the outcome. That's humility. Do your work and do it well, then let go and let God. The recognition, the rewards, the outside, that's the ego talking. And that's what we can't ever listen to. Make other people successful. That's how you nullify the ego. Being part of something bigger than ourselves. That's a beautiful shame. We're out of time, but an incredible who describes that ability. How many in this country over the last three years? How many holy soldiers serving who in the army? Well, they certainly have a name and we should know them and dab for them. Also, our number they're serving. They're serving. They had to surrender that sense of self. Leave what's comfortable and convenient. Leave whatever they were busy doing in order to focus on fighting on a front line for us. Not only you here in Israel, us all over the world. That's how you that's how you nullify a sense of ego. When you connect and you recognize we're here for a mission and a purpose that we serve, we serve others. In order to manage your ego, focus on making other people successful. And so to conclude, well, there's so much more to say and thank you for staying all this time. To conclude, ego, ego tells us, ego tries us to get us to play God. The answer is to play our part for God. Our ego tries to edge God out and make us feel like we are God. But to live a life of elus is to play our part for God, for Hashem. To let go and let God and stop trying to micromanage and control everything. Your ego is a liar. And so our job is to be able to elevate the people around us, work hard and be proud of our success, but realize it's not but it's who is the one who gave us that strength to work on practicing to press pause and ask myself why am I posting this on social media? Why am I sharing this in this WhatsApp group? Why am I volunteering this position? Is it for a sense of ego or elocus? Am I doing it for a mission, a purpose or am I doing it for myself? To work on our ego, the Rambam writes the purpose of all. Every time we make a before food we eat is to practice humility to recognize that I only have this because of him. This grew from the ground or I bought it from the supermarket. I only have access to this gift because of Hashem. In all of Hil's is an exercise in that humility and that to overcome that sense of self. Every time we bow down remember that we surrender. I bow. Hashem, it's your world. Everything in it. I'm a nobody and a nothing. I bow. I'm nothing. But I say Hashem's name. And I remember Hashem is in me. And I stand tall and proud. And I ask, "What's next? What's my mission in this moment? Where do I go from here?" Do something. Don't be a somebody. Make sure you focus on the effort, not the outcome. Make other people feel successful and part of what we do. Focus on what's under our control and what's not. and build those relationships in that way. And I'll end just with this story. 2001, Indra Nui was named president of PepsiCo. I'm a Coke guy, but I'll mention Pepsi anyway because it's a good story to end with. Five years later, she was promoted to CEO. In 2007, she became the chairman of the company. Even though I'm a Coke guy, Pepsi is not a small company. At the time, she was appointed president. It was 166 billion dollar company. I mean, that's not Elon Musk, but it's not bad. It's not shabby. So that night, that night that she was appointed to all of these prominent positions, her parents were visiting. And here's how she described that night. Quote, "I'll never forget coming home after being named president of Pepsi in 2001. My mother was visiting at the time. I've got great news for you," I shouted. She said, "It can wait. We need you to go out and get milk." So she goes out and she gets milk. And she says, "When I came back, I was hopping mad. I said, "I have great news for you. I just been named president of Pepsi, and all you want me to do is go out and get milk." Then my mother said, ' Let me explain something to you. You may be president of Pepsi, but when you step into this house, you're a wife and a mother first. Nobody can take that place. So, leave that crown in the garage. Leave your crown in the garage. Don't bring your ego and don't bring your sense of eye into your home. The mizuza reminds you when we touch it or kiss it that leave your ego at the door. Leave it at the door of sh. Leave it at the door of your home. Leave it at the door of work. And if we can leave our ego at the door. If we can live for elk, not ego. If we could ask what's our mission and our purpose, what's next for me? It's all about him not I would be signed and sealed for an incredible year of will continue to renew our contract so we can serve him for many many years to come. A year filled safety and security, a year of good health, a year of prosperity, a year of a year of a year of children, a year of shalom, a year of a year where Hashem answers call. Thank you so much and have a good night.