Aleinu Conference (London) - The Role of the Rabbi and Rebbetzin in 2025 - Rabbi Efrem Goldberg

so our topic this afternoon is a little less specific a little more open and we'll see where it takes us but the topic of the role of the rabbi the role of the rabbitson in the modern day and in the world that's rapidly evolving and changing but there are some Universal principles that no matter what's happening in the world they think can apply and I want to just share with you with no sense of Authority or monopo just some of the things that I think about and some of the things that work for me have worked for me and that continue to to inform and Inspire my rabanas and my KES and the work that we do my wife and I our family and our community in bokeh so I want to start with the abstract and I want to start talk first some principles and then we can talk specifics about the rabanas about sh about whatever organization or communal effort we're involved in but some some first some broad principles I think that it's critically important one of the critical important qualities Ines and the claw work that we do is to have Drive is to have ambition is to be energized is to be a mish to be hungry and thirsty to succeed to grow to be better to do more the work that we do is draining it's exhausting often it's not rewarding in terms and it's also not rewarding in I was having a conversation earlier of the very people whom we're trying trying to help and recruit to come to our programs and our classes to learn with them to try to move them in a certain direction and it can be very very frustrating and very very exhausting and so we can get to a place in which we're just going through the motions particularly when we're trying to combine what we do with also managing ourselves and our families the responsibilities we have at home to our children our marriage the responsibility we have to ourselves I gave a share last night on self-care is self-care selfish or selfless self-care to be a better caregiver and so a person also have to protect and preserve themselves our own learning our own growth the work that we do can be exhausting and frustrating and we can get into a place of being on autopilot we're on autopilot we mail it in we get it done we show up we do our work but we lost the edge and I think that we have an awesome responsibility we have an in The KES work that we do to never ever stop being a mes to never stop wanting it to never stop being hungry for it to never stop being energized by it to never be satisfied to never be complacent to never be apathetic and to never get to a place where we're mailing it in but to always remain hungry for it I would say to be a mes a mes I alluded to it this morning earlier but when Yakov taka sends yose to look for the brothers and he encounters and each Rashi tells us is in fact a Mal the p says M what are you looking for and Y answers the simple question with the simple answer I'm looking for my brothers but if you look at the ker the saer of his Tor the kar sayses is the key question in life it's the question to ask ourselves it's the question we should ask all the people that we're trying to inspire and learn with and love it's the question to ask our children and our family what's your what's your goal what's your ambition what's your drive what is your definition of success people have all kinds of push some people it's money net worth nicer car bigger house fancier vacations holidays for some people the be is gash for others what's the beus some people are driven by being healthy Health nuts constantly eating right working out working out more some people can be addicted to working out there's a beus what's the drive some want to be the best in their industry some want to get that job what's the be ker says this wasn't just a question the Mal asked y it's the question we are being asked each and every day what's your BOS what do you want because that's defining of a person that says everything about who you are is what you want what are the goals that we set what are the goals that we set for ourselves what is the ambition what is the drive that we have that quality I have seen it time and time again time and time again I could argue it's I've been a beneficiary of it in my own life it can compensate for what's lacking in Talent OR skill the strength and the energy of the beish of the drive of the ambition of wanting it can make up and more than make up for what a person is missing in Talent OR skill you see it sometimes most people aren't the best speakers they're not the best fundraisers they're not the most organized they're not the best delegators they're not the best managers but they want it more than anyone they're hungry they have Drive they have Vision they believe in it it's theirs they want it that of of mes and so the first thought I want to Poe to you share with you is that we approach what we do not not just as a career not just as a profession not just as a source of income or livelihood but to approach it as a calling as a calling this is why we're here this is what we're meant to be doing this is the definition of who we are this is intertwined and wrapped up with our identity this is what we dream about and think about what we have a vision for of a push our definition of success while other people want to close more deals land more clients make more money have more cars we want to impact more lives and whatever area of we're in however we want to Define it that's our beer somebody wakes Us in the middle of the night and says what's your dream what's your ambition what do you work on who are you mat our answer to what the kutser sees as the quintessential question is in the work that we do the difference between a vocation and advocation to not approach it as an amateur but to go professional to go professional and whatever is holding us back in lack of talent or skill and a lack of resources I can't tell you how strongly I believe that that be that drive can more than make up for but sometimes it takes a difficult gut check and looking in the mirror and being true and honest with ourselves sometimes it takes nourishing and nurturing that drive in ourselves who are the people what's the Torah that we learn who are the ream we turn to what's the podcast we listen to sometimes maybe there's a podcast or there's a book in productivity efficiency something that's going to make us on fire wake us up once again get us going to change lives what nourishes us maybe it's going through a file of old beautiful letters you've gotten of gratitude from people whose lives you've impacted maybe it's remembering the people who give you a but to constantly review what's our goal and how are we going to get it if you have no goals you'll never get anywhere what's the goal what's the ambition what's the drive what's the metric what's the measure of success and how we're going to get there a storyz great rash of the was a young B learning in grna he went to visit his uncle who was the rash of Nar ya and during the visit when he visited the Yesa Nar he asked his uncle who is the best B in the Yesa who's the best B so his uncle pointed to one b and he said this is the greatest Amin he plums The Depths his pren insights his this is the greatest he pointed to another B his uncle Thea and he said this is the biggest Masid he's here all hours he's here through the night he's so focused nothing distracts him this is the biggest Masid it's the most diligent and then he continued he pointed to another bak and he said this one this one is the best and he went one by one this one has the best the most greatest Piet this one is the greatest beus has the greatest working knowledge of Kula one by one he pointed out each of the highlights this one's the best at this and that one's the best at that asked his uncle he turned to his uncle and he said you mentioned all these great B this one's great at this one's great at that no which one is the greatest B in the Yeshiva so theiva looked and he said none of them none of them none of the above taken back none of the above the greatest the greatest L the greatest the greatest M what do you mean none of the above if not them who's the greatest B so took him to one of the corners of the B Med and he pointed he showed him a b and he said this one is the best B in the whole Yesa so his uncle he said he's the best B in the Yesa he's not the biggest am the biggest bck the biggest Mas the biggest how what makes him the best so his uncle looked at him and he said this B is the biggest mes he wants it more than anyone else and he may not be the best of this the best of that the best of the other thing but he's the biggest mes and that makes him the best B in the Yesa and that mes ended up being the stier gone of Yakov kvki being a mes Mish may not be the best of this or the best of that the best of the other thing we can all point to people colleagues of ours who are are better than us in so many things that we do but that doesn't have to hold us back the question is are we a mes do we want it do we want it not only will that get us farther and accomplish more and Achieve greater results but it'll give more satisfaction to everything that we do it's a that appears twice in say for and it's in our P every morning let the hearts of those who seek hasem rejoice and the explains that when a person searches and seeks something they're not satisfied unless they successfully find or obtain what they're looking for in general if you're trying to solve a mouth problem you're trying to make a certain amount of money you want to be able to buy a watch or a piece of jewelry when you're mes for something physical tangible unless you receive it unless you obtain it you're not satisfied that b is not satisfied the exception said from the business you find pleasure in Joy from the actual search just from the exercise just from the search our work becomes more satisfying and more gratifying our work is greater our work is greater just when we maintain that attitude that ability to be a mes be a Mes in whatever you do and whatever we do have drive and ambition set goals measure results be a mish be a mes be thirsty be hungry want it want it you know that may water is is compared to Torah Torah one unique quality of water is that it lacks taste water is Bland water has no taste so water is delicious based on how thirsty you are for it nobody reaches for a delicious glass of water paired with their steak it's bland it has no taste you're not in the mood for it if you're looking for a fine glass of wine Scotch a soft drink but after a run after working out at the end of a fast there's nothing more delicious or refreshing than a glass of water so Torah is like water if you're a mes Tor is delicious if you're not it's bland to you and the work that we're in building Torah growing Torah teaching Torah inspiring Torah if we're a mes it'll be contagious others will pick up on it too others will share that hungry that hunger that thirst that desire to get to the next level and to do more that's number one is to be aish to be hungry and thirsty and if we're not check ourselves why not if we're burnt out m is recruited by the the it doesn't consume so I once heard someone say that leadership m is recruited he's the Paradigm of leadership he's rabenu in perpetuity forever and why is he recruited through the image of a bush that's on fire but never the burns because the leader can never burn out we have to protect ourselves we have to ensure that we never burn out add fuel protect the fire don't let the wind come don't ever let it burn out don't be consumed we have to stay on fire the day that you're not on fire the day we're mailing it in the day that our B is over is the day we'll be unsuccessful in what we're doing be a mes because that compensates even if one is not the best in other areas what do you want and do you want it badly and do you want it most and do you want the best and what are you going to do to go get it what are you going to do to go get it we'll come back to one of the things I think we don't do enough of but it's critically important is setting goals and not goals in the abstract not conceptual goals for ourselves but Peter drooker who is a management Guru taught what gets measured gets managed what gets measured gets managed so do we measure and track to see if we're going to meet those goals I would humbly add what gets measured and recorded gets managed what gets measured and recorded gets managed if you set goals but have no measurements metrics for them you'll never achieve them if you set goals and you have measurements and metrics but you don't record them and analyze them and compare them and see them then you won't set those goals so what gets measured and recorded gets managed person has to set goals we have to have vush even more fundamental than that even more fundamental than that is the incredible importance of taking a we're living in a door we're living in a generation where people want to pass the buck let somebody else take responsibility let somebody else Step Up let somebody else take care of it it's somebody else's problem it's somebody else's responsibility we want convenience and comfort and pleasure we want our own happiness but the work that we do and why we are all here today is because we're taking AAS for cl we're taking AAS for K which is no small no small fee no small fee if your fire is beginning to extinguish if the B is beginning to go out I find that the fastest way to light that fire again to fan that flame is to focus on taking a is to think about the Jewish condition in the world to think about the statistics there's a lot of conversation about anti-Semitism for good reason and I will share with you I'm humbled coming back to London because I'll tell you not proudly that for years we looked at you and we wondered British jury French jury what's the matter with them what are they thinking why are they staying there can't they see the future and where it's going the stories we saw what was happening unfolding in the streets some members of government but we've caught up what's going on in America what's going on in Time Square what's going on in Columbia University what's going on in some of the offices in Congress anti-Semitism the explosion I don't have to belabor the point some of you I met yesterday outside your front door on college campus incredible threats and dangers you talk about mysterious neish for I'm in awe and we should be incredibly grateful and anti-Semitism indeed is a big threat but the threat of anti-semitism pales pales in comparison statistically to the threat of assimilation I I can't speak to the statistics in the UK but in America anyone here know what the intermarriage rate is in America today it's over 70% put 10 Jews in America in a room and seven of them are going to marry out of Judaism Hitler could not have dreamt of that success I'm sorry to speak so bluntly that kind of a result that kind of a return our greatest enemies in their Wildest Dreams could not have imagined the success in Exterminating us the way we are Exterminating ourselves and all the focus and all the attention on anti-Semitism is warranted but it shouldn't be at the extent or to the distraction of the real danger because with all the danger and I've been told that there are places in London you may not want to go or places where you may want to wear a cap but for the most part this is what I was told the average British Jew is not experienced or doesn't regularly experience anti-Semitism and the same is true in America as much as there are areas Pockets that are hot beds and of grave concern the average American Jew is not suffering or struggling and certainly there's not a danger to our lives our children our future physically but if seven out of 10 Jews are marrying out seven out of 10 the assimilation the into marriage rate danger the threat what we're doing to ourselves exponentially greater far surpasses in multiples what our enemies are trying to do to us we should focus on them and stop them but not be distracted from pouring most of our energy into ourselves and that's look who I'm talking to that's what you all do and what you're mfish for what you've dedicated your lives to that's a taking a for clel caring about clel thinking about clel when I was in yiva one summer I went to work in ishor as a Madan Discovery program a friend of mine and I was an amazing summer that was back before everybody struggled with attention deficit so Discovery was two and a half days long now I don't even think it's two and a half hours long and we had the very difficult task of finding people that we could recruit to come on Discovery so who's in Israel with no plans that could drop everything and just come for 2 and a half days and is interested in exposing themselves to teachings that might force them to radically change their lives that's not an easy job that's not an easy task and that's what my friend and I the two and a half days the seminar went on we put out the soda cleaned up the garbage I don't want to we didn't teach the classes we were the m but the rest of the week we were busy to recruit people that was our job so we came up with all kinds of ideas we hung out in the cotel plaza we made a fake survey so we could walk W up to people and say I'm taking a survey and use that as the opening point to have a conversation but to find people I learned so much that summer I don't have time now but walking up to people Backpackers the people how did you identify someone you thought was a good candidate worth engaging who was the most likely to come for the two and a half days how'd you do it so the people we were working for suggested you know you're in the wrong place don't just go to the Cotto you need to spend time on Ben so I was from back then and I said Ben Yuda there's no way yes yes guy I'm not going to Ben Yehuda it's PR there's no chance they said okay R Noah wants to see you so my friend ABI pal and I went to R Noah Z and he had a conversation that was not unique to me I understand he had it with many and he said I understand you don't want to go to Ben Yuda I said well you know I'm inan Yeshiva B I'm learning I'm growing I'm trying it's not exactly where T hang out so theot all the Jewish people hang out I'd rather not go to benur he looked at me said okay said let me ask you a question they're loading the train to aits and a woman sticks out her hand and you have the opportunity to pull her off do you say I'm a b I'm AIA or would you pull her off the train would you grab her hand and pull her off the train I'll never forget that conversation like I said I understand it wasn't unique with me I'll never forget it the way he looked in the eye and asked that question and essentially pulled back the curtain on everything you thought you knew and you were and the next day I was on Ben Yuda I didn't pull any women anywhere but but we did recruit people to come to Discovery seminar in that one question I didn't I'd love to tell you that summer I went to him for a shabas meal I spent the whole summer with him if there was one or two other interactions they were each one sentence long I wish they were more but that one sentence changed my life that one question what he essentially asked was are you ready to take for do you want to look the other way are you only caring about yourself your kadus your tahara who you are or are you living a life that you're ready to take a for for cl is are you ready to take a are you willing to take a that's what drives and informs everything that we do why we do what we do that's our is because we're ready to take a because we care because we want to make a difference because we're the front line we're the front line if we don't who will if we don't stop the enemy of assimilation how far will it penetrate into our people we are those soldiers on this front line and the is on us alenu and if we become indifferent or apathetic or complacent if we become tired or burnt out then who's going to guard the line who's going to hold the wall it's on us it's on us so to in the fourth per of bros this week's passion yov tells yehud that then malus will always come through Yehuda MAV will come from Yehuda why do yud wonders the TOA I thought I brought I wish I could find it maybe I have it somewhere here the TOA wonders why did Yehuda Merit malus why was he worthy why was it given specifically to him so tosa offers a few explanations a few suggestions the first first is that Yehuda was the one who who spared Yosef instead of killing him instead of leaving him in the pit to die he was the one who said let's sell him so maybe because Yehuda said let's spare yose in that Merit he got M says no that can't be why because in the end of the day he didn't say let's bring Yosef back home let's figure it out let's go into family therapy let's work this through he still said let's sell him so it can't be he was rewarded forus because is notar it can't be because of that so TOA has a second possibility TOA says okay maybe because I don't have to repeat for everyone the story line his daughter-in-law how she presented herself Yuda was with her she took his objects he accused her she said whoever these belong to too and in that faithful moment that moment when he was confronted his an moment when he saw those items he said man she's more righteous than I he was mod he made a incredible admission and through that through that admission maybe he was because we want our leaders to be people who are capable of admitting so again the I can't be in the end of the day it's wonderful that he admitted he was wrong but he was wrong so you don't get rewarded for being wrong even if you admitted it so to is still left with the question why was why was the answer is something amazing because Yehuda had a great-grandson a grandson whose name was when CLA stood at the shore of the sea with the Egyptians in Pursuit from behind and the sea in front of them stuck in the literal not only proverbial Rock and Hard Place of life and everyone else you can only imagine the scenes the Committees that were formed the directors gathered and met everyone had their idea of what someone else should do or who its fault it was that they got into that place and everyone's debating and arguing and back and forth and pointing fingers and deliberating and one man takes off his shoes and starts walking didn't wait he took a he got and stepped into the seity and the SE didn't split and again everybody knows the kazal went up to his knees and his waist and it went up to his shoulders and it went up to his nose before it split and the rest of the story we know Kaz walked through we know CLA walked through that yam what did yud do what did he demonstrate that moment what did do concludes the TOA because Yehuda was the progenitor Yehuda in stilled in the DNA Yehuda created a lineage who were prepared to take to take for cl that's our role that's our mission that's our purpose that's our why we're taking a in a time that clol are in grave danger it's never been easier to be a Jew in many respects in many respects where yeshivas and K and grow seminaries and learning opportunities it's never been easier you could buy a popup Suka you could buy your pre-prepared glasses of oil for the Bora and you could buy your pre-made I don't they have it here in America they sell believe it or not they sell pre-made salt water for the Seder they now sell 10 pieces of bread foras each one labeled one through 10 soon they'll have a GPS device on them Su you throw in the air and it lands and it's it's a Suka nobody picks out their Hadas anymore because they're seal and the it's never been easier to be a yid it's all packaged it's all prepared it's all convenient it's all easy and it's never been harder to be a yid because of the opportunities that the world offers us the invitation to assimilate and integrate to disappear we have to take AAS 1946 the world was desolate Lenin survived with others from the mirror that came to America for a short time and he told the story of Kat that he was sitting with other survivors and they were reminiscing tell them about the best learning of their years of their lives the best learning years of their lives were the years that they were in Shanghai the year they were running for their lives the years that they were in transit the years they were in Shanghai their learning and their doing they described was on an altogether different level a different D soat said this was his L sham over there in Shanghai [Music] over there we were learning not because we were St learning you see they got reports in Shanghai that Hitler had finished off the Jews you there was no internet headlines WhatsApp alerts they were sitting at Shanghai and they thought the whole Torah world was wiped out they thought they were the last hold out so he said they were learning that their learning had the it was the only learning if there would be learning again it would be on them they took it on themselves it was on them to take responsibility to take responsibility not just to take any responsibility to take extreme ownership to take extreme ownership on our lives we see this in in many places story who also wants to pass the buck gar talks about the mus that he got from the most unlikely of places that caused him to run to flee and the tells the story how he turned to the mountains and the stars and the river asking everyone everything to intercede on his behalf once it was declared that he couldn't havea and it's only when he crouches and sits on the fetal position and he declares that it's on me Al ALU only then he was able to acquire his portion of the world to come in that one moment and he was no longer Al he was re Al the excuse me another say that when he was looking to everyone else the mountains is a mush for his parents saying to his parents helicopter parents or past helicopter parents we used to have helicopter parents who flew to rescue children now at least in America we have bulldozer parents they bulldoze a path and clear it out so children don't have to experience any discomfort any any effort so he turns to his parents no helicopter parents bulldozer parents he turned to the harm to the HM and he said come rescue me he turned to the Stars the stars are the constellations luck come on luck come on my side he turned to the river to Nature and he said it's not my nature but I can change my nature come on nature kick in and it was only when he accepted B it's only when he recognized and accepted that the matter rests it lies with me alone Al alenu it's on us it's on us to get it done and if we don't get it done who will do it if we don't get it done who will do it it won't get done it won't get done there's a um a fantastic book you could just read a summary of the book it's called Extreme ownership by someone named jao willink who was a Navy SEAL I want give around it he liked the maros I'm not sure how much of it he understood but I sent it to him the title of his book is Extreme ownership extreme ownership and I can't emphasize strongly enough how much this changed my rabant in my life to not look at life and say I'm a victim to not be a spectator to our own lives to not watch it from the outside to not feel helpless and hopeless to what happens but to take to take AAS to take extreme ownership over our lives I have a lot I'm happy to share that sh it's many many pages long it's a lot a lot of Torah I'm happy to share with anyone who wants to see it but the theme the thesis of what he writes is is the moment you take extreme owner not just ownership not just responsibility not just extreme ownership ownership to the extreme to look at our lives look at our our work and say whatever is not going right whatever I want to change whatever I want to be done better whatever I want to add what would it take to get it done and if I took it on myself what do I need to do what do I need to do extreme ownership too many people look around and point and blame and feel as I said helpless and hopeless and victims victim I don't have the right chairman I don't have the right directors I don't have enough funders I don't have the right colleagues I'm not working with the right people I don't have the right spouse and my children are impossible and my nature and my and my life and we can point to all we can point to the whole world and blame the entire world stepen C writes responsibility is response ability what's your your ability to respond what's your ability to respond that's response ability do we watch are We Spectators do we blame are we victims or do we take extreme ownership do we take AAS in our lives to look and to work and to change and to change to fix what's broken to execute a vision and a plan to make it and bring it to a reality Winston Churchill see what I did there Winston churcher once said the price of greatness is responsibility the price of greatness is responsibility if you want greatness if you want to achieve great things if you want to be a great person then you need to take AAS great people take AAS and there's so much to take AAS for there's so much going on in the world there are so many challenges that we face that we need to confront that we need to fix that we need to make better how do we do it how do you take a so I once heard Shapiro from Florida he once said the following take a look at the word AAS itself first letter ofas is Al the stands we have to look at he's the one who gives us the responsibility he's the one who gives us the to be able to achieve whatever we do the is who begins with him and the is also that it begins with us we alone extreme ownership it's on me the next letter is the letter Al spell brother only after we've been successful and taking care of ourselves we begin to take responsibility for our brothers for the people around us for our family for our relatives to see to care to take for others after is the letter once our immediate family is secure take we use our our platform and our skills and our talents and our blessings to take for the other for the other after is the turns turns into means this is the motto of the IDF unlike other armies where the higher rank you are the more you're in the back in the IDF the higher the rank the more you're in the front screaming AAR Follow Me by Example realas is by example not asking other people to do things we're not willing to do not speaking one thing and acting differently but practicing what we preach and modeling what we're teaching after me follow me follow me the next letter is V which is after him which means you're going to create as Lord Rabbi Sak said about the what made him great is he didn't only create leaders he didn't only create followers he created leaders he created leaders how do we learn to delegate how do we learn to empower how do we hold back from micromanaging how do we engage others to achieve those goals by taking that sense of a that sense of excitement that sense of B of being a mes and creating an army A team of volunteers and professionals who are willing to do it so not only AAR after me but AAR to not only create followers but to create leaders and the final letter tough because begins with Al and ends with t the last letter of the alphabet from beginning to end so each letter of that word AAS is a message and a lesson of what we need to do and how we do it and how we get there to take that responsibility and to change the world so I didn't get into specifics branding and marketing and conflict resolution and managing people and building out a team and a staff and all the elements that can go into sh life Rabbi life rabbitson life and there's a lot to talk about in each of those areas I'm excited about I'm still learning and living and curious that's myush I love learning and listening productivity efficiency Vision goals strategy what's next what's next never we've arrived but what's next what's next our best is always yet to come you can never feel your best is behind you your best is always Yet to Come Frank Lloyd WR is an award-winning AR architect in America famous architect he was once asked in an interview old and age accomplished award-winning which of your architectural designs which of your buildings is your favorite to which he answered my next one your next Shear your next program your next interaction we spoke about earlier casual conversation your next personal your next sadar and learning your next act as a spouse or a parent person has to always live with that ambition Our Best Is Yet To Come that we're just getting started that we are on fire and we're taking a to change the world and when we take extreme ownership over anything we can go so far we can achieve so much and their Stakes are so high because the dangers and the threats to the Jewish people anti-em ism is enormous but it is the lesser of the two great threats we Face there is so much work to do but I'm confident with the talent and the in this room with the spirit of a that we're ready to take with a to hear the Mal asking us every day what do you want what's your goal and how are you taking extreme ownership to do it when the people who I work with or I work for complain there's a problem there's an issue so I have a general rule in life don't bring me a problem if you're not also prepared to be part of the solution if you can't suggest a solution don't bring me the problem this was thees of Y interpreting power's dreams the also knew it was a dream having to do with an economy and Cycles what made yoseph stand out what made pyro realize he was was because he didn't only come with a problem he interpreted within the Dream Within the interpretation was the solution I'm a Big Y guy the problems I'm I see all the problems I know all the problems in me I know all the problems in my community I know all the problems of things we need to fix I don't know all of them I know many of them problems I got I'm good come if you're also bringing a solution when you raise a problem when you see an issue are you willing to take extreme ownership to to be the solution what would it take what would need to haveen happen to get the result that you want what would it take to get more people to minion what would it take to more people to attend that program what would it take to solve that problem on that building in that campus what would it take to work together what would it take what would it take and after dreaming what it would take are we willing to do it are we willing to take that so I'm confident with the talent the m in this room with the B that we have and the that we're willing to take and all that we're thank you so much [Applause]