#7: Iggeres HaRamban (10 Minutes of Meaning) - Spare Yourself

Gooding Gan want to thank our generous series sponsor in honor of their parents and children we're incredible grateful for their generosity please help yourself to coffee and to cookies as we continue the words of the ran in the letter to his son but really teaching every one of us words that we're told if we read every week let alone every day will transform Our lives our relationships our meaning and our sense of purpose transform ourselves not casually not occasionally but consistently and constantly to train ourselves and condition ourselves always speak gently always speak softly always speak kindly always to everyone even to him even to him even to her even to her even then even then speak to everyone at all times condition and train be incapable of raising your voice incapable of getting excited the strategy the methodology to improve and to work on anger is not to focus on anger at all but rather to train ourselves to speak gently and kindly not only outside our home but the place where we feel most comfortable and the people with whom we feel most comfortable with our family themselves why do we want to spare ourselves from anger because anger is a categorically bad quality we spoke last time the r the ran both WR that while we look for the golden mean while we live mid that belong Aid measure everything belongs in some measure in our recipe in our repertoire anger and arrogance don't belong at all they are the cryptonite they undermine and they absolutely sabotage whatever success whatever happiness whatever meaning whatever purpose that we can have and therefore the Mas in his new commentary in Garris said one of the strategy a suggestion a strategy to get to a place that you could speak to always speak gently and softly and kindly to habituate and train and condition ourselves is to be done as that wherever you go and whatever you do someone disappoints you someone angers you someone frustrates you someone does something that is upsetting judge them generously assume the best assume there's something going on that you don't know and if if you live in someone else's shoes if you assume the best if you try to challenge yourself to employ your imagination to come up with a circumstance that would explain why they did what they did Even If It's upsetting then you won't get upset then you'll be capable even then and even in that moment to always speak gently and to always speak kindly that's our mission anger doesn't belong anger is categorically bad anger is anger is destructive and that's what he continues to ran you'll be spared and saved even that formulation is fascinating the ramban doesn't say don't get angry because it's not so simple it's not a decision that we make if we actually could zoom out the lens if we could have self-awareness and step out of ourselves in that moment and see how flying off the handle is unhelpful of course we wouldn't get angry the whole idea of anger is our brain and the animal part of our brain gets flooded we stop thinking like a person and we hurt ourselves so anger is not a choice and it's not we can make the choice don't get angry what do we need to do we need to be we have to be spared and saved from anger how do you get spared and saved from anger by becoming a person who never gets angry how do you become a person who never gets angry become a person who never raises your voice speaking softly speaking gently speaking calmly in all circumstances in all places and at all times the other day I was waiting I had arranged for my car where you pay extra the car should have been there I did everything I was supposed to do and I'm waiting and I'm waiting and it's taking time and it's taking time and I feel myself getting flooded with wanting to absolutely just attack the person in charge this is why you pay the premium it's supposed to beer it's supposed to save time what's the point where are you what happened what went wrong don't you think there should be a discount and then I remember I'm supposed to be teaching a Garrison and ban right now and to be UT in a because it's a mid so I said softly and gently to the guy it's not about you it's not your fault but you know isn't this why just when you speak more gently and more calmly even when you're angry inside then you're not expressing anger you're not giving in and you're not surrendering to anger and anger is a says every other Mida is a Mida belongs in some measure it can be used positively it can be used negatively stubbornness stubbornness is negative unless you're stubbornly clinging to Torah and stubbornly clinging to a Torah way of life then stubbornness is fantastic every other quality can be good or bad but anger is always bad why because it's it causes us it causes us to be a is a miss a missed opportunity we forfeit relationships we forfeit business deals we forfeit ourselves and the best version of ourselves when we give in and we surrender to that anger so we want to T not sell we want to save ourselves in the way to save ourselves is to condition ourselves to always speak calmly so anger is not just going to solve itself and anger is not just something you can make the decision for now on I heard a great schmoo and I walked out and made a decision I'm never getting angry again that has worked for exactly no people ever in all of history it works until the next person angers you so the methodology and the strategy that raan is telling his son and all of us is don't make a decision never to get angry again it won't work instead make the decision to always speak calmly don't work in the negative passively I won't get angry work in the positive in the proactive I will learn to always be calmly and gently and the result of a life and a lifestyle always speaking calmly and gently will be spared from anger the m a person not only do we have to work to be calm to DAV particularly if a person is a predisposition to getting angry if a person sees and suffers the negative consequences of getting angry d DAV to be spared from anger because it is and then the continues says we want to try to overcome and eliminate and spare and save ourselves from anger because if you succumb if you give into anger if you get angry you are you put yourself in ganam you put yourself in ganam and notice and notice that the gamar does not say that if you get angry in this world if you get angry in this life if you get angry now you will pay the piper you will go to gam H double hockey sticks the gamar doesn't say you will go yeso in the future it'll be a consequence it'll be a punishment what does the gamar say k if you give into anger in this world you are in now bashov in the present tense in the present tense you ever see someone flying off the handle you ever see someone indulging rage yelling saying all kinds of things that they can't mean and that will be irreparable and that will'll ever come back from they've created their own gehenna they've driven away the people closest to them they've ruined their reputation they hurt their business dealings a person who indulges anger puts themselves in geham not will put themselves it's not about the future what will happen it is in the present tense they put themselves in gum we don't realize it while we're doing it we think we're yelling at the kid who left their book bag in the middle of the floor and you just came for school and school's over and you're supposed to clean it out and the quintessential Lego in the middle of the night and it's dark I give this example someone texted me the other day it finally happened I said what are you talking about he said I stepped on the Lego and now I understand why you always give it as the example if you've done it know exactly what I'm talking about middle of the night the dark room you're not looking and you step Barefoot on a Lego That's Schult andb that's rough that sting is rough so you want to fly off the handle whoever left the Lego there what do you mean you pick up my dry clean what do you mean dinner is not ready what do you mean you didn't finish the report what do you mean you didn't get the job in time what do you mean and then you lose it and a person who loses it in gentle soft if you are determined to never lose it to always speak softly you can't get Ang Ang you'll be spared and saved and you don't want to be in remove Anger from the heart and eliminate the from the flesh from the flesh what is ra ra is gam evil remove putting yourself in gam but you have to take anger out where does anger get need to get removed from from the heart what does it get replaced with take the anger out of the heart and replace it with what continues the so if you can condition habituate yourself to always speak gently and softly and therefore to be spared from anger again you didn't work on anger you didn't make a decision to not get angry but the result of a life ofas is you'll be the result passive result is you'll be spared from anger what will fill your heart if your if you remove now there's room in the space for what what will go on your heart instead instead of anger will come humility if anger is categorically bad if anger is destructive if anger doesn't belong in any measure then what is the greatest and that's appropriate for this week's where Moshe is described as of he's the greatest most humble man of all time I mentioned in the P we didn't get to answer it I posed it as a the question we'll get to it next year MIT will all be in but who wrote who transcribed the Torah Moshe so Hashem dictates Moshe is the most humble man of all time and Moshe sits and writes Moshe is the most humble man of all time how do you spell humble how did I get that right is that humility for mosha to actually write and transcribe MOS is the most humble man of all time but humility humility is the goal humility a life of humility that's the greatest quity we could have we could have admired Hashem could have admired countless qualities of Moshe he excelled it countless but what in our par does the Torah admire he's un of it's his humility because humility is a humility is the king of positive qualities to what we're trying to do there's no room in the heart both for anger and humility so when you remove Anger from the heart and you're spared from anger now there's space for humility that's where we're trying to go that's what we can achieve if we are committed we're off next week but will continue two weeks from now we should hear B toas