Rabbi Efraim Glassman, Navigating through the Chinuch System

hi everybody welcome to tonight's share uh tonight is sheer number 80. we made it okay let's get real coach monachem berenfeld program and berkeley we made it to this milestone we're almost there we're almost there again i want to start off every week thanking everybody for really growing the platform and exploding and telling all the viewers for posting on the whatsapp statuses emailing people about it to friends and it's tremendous amount of people and we really appreciate every one of you for letting people know about it it's amazing if anybody wants to join the what's app group to get the flyer every sunday they could know about it just what's that me personally at eight four eight five two five zero zero six six eight four eight five two five zero zero six six and say my number and i will send you every sunday the flyer and you can post it around for all those watching the replay of this on youtube please click on the like button and click on my subscribe button so every week when the when the video goes out and check monday morning you'll get it i want to first start off with thanking all of our advertising sponsors one special thanks to the lakewood scoop for here on lakewood for promoting us special thank you to robbie and nichol hazak for morning stations and a special thank you to kylo california summer from jc and the jewish content network for always promoting us on all the digital platforms the coach menachem show is collaborating with okay clarity to bring greater health and wellness to the jewish community around the globe okay clarity is the online platform for mental health support in the jewish community ok clarity.com you can find the best therapists coaches nutritionists engage informs and stay inspired links can be found in the email show notes i said with a lot of enthusiasm by the way again for all the people watching this for the first time it's every sunday night at 9 30 on this um zoom id we have many different abundant therapists different topics and tonight robert glassman you are uh you're we're going we're going deep tonight i want to get to that in a second um next week much trim november 21st it's not a 100 confirmed because we're waiting to hear back from london uh we're going to have much hashem two world-famous masters of hasidis from bianchi tv for muncie new york and mordechai towerski from london two brothers this is michael twisty from milwaukee's sons provincia and torski's brothers we'll be discussing bringing warmth and love back into the sky with our children and giving them the finish of depth so it should be a very uh deep program hopefully they're both uh moscow to come and uh in london is willing to wake up at 2 30 in the morning to uh be mikazekas so uh we're waiting to confirm that and it's going to be an amazing program so please let people know about it and it should be really uplifting for everybody and tonight we have this host and honor of having world favorites with us tonight and we'll get back to him in a minute let's uh let's get into it first i want to say hi hannah if copernicus hello how are you and i also want to give a great shock for the amazing news last week i did a of my oldest daughter got engaged to the nicest boy tovia milstein from cleveland ohio so big mazeltov and uh such amazing cortana mark and holly muslim from cleveland such amazing people um and we're inviting everybody to coach from control 20 000 people to be by the waking wedding in lakewood on december 30th time to come enjoy it everybody is welcome to come we're going to do is coach zoom live we're going to have all the sheer room together combined but uh let's start with our host coach from behrenfield to open it up with tonight's very very powerful topic yes tonight's topic is is uh is powerful but before we start i do want to give uh a mazda talk to the gansa panda please send everybody the charity link afterwards so tonight's topic is you know if you're only able to see the emails that we got talking about um our the way we grew up and the moisture that we went to and um there are many people that it didn't work out and there's a lot of people that went through pain and the relationship between the the the schools and their kids did not work out and you should see the emails that we got these people that was nebuchad they made through whatever journey they had to go through which is is not an easy one but before before we start tonight's program i do want to say that we're not here to to knock any systems and the the truth is that the moisture has gotten much better whether it's education um for um individual education for kids that they're trying again we'll hear tonight they can't do everything but they're trying and to get them more education for the teachers and i'm i myself i'm in a school during the day and i see um the the what they give over and it's it's you could see a difference from 10 years ago 20 years ago you could see the difference the mahan from a really really um trying to give whatever they can but again there's no there's no doing the same you know the you have some sometimes you have the feeling that you just want your child to just participate do what you need to do just follow and why do we need to have all of this in our heads you know just do what everybody else does that's one hand the other hand you want your child to be creative and to have a mind on his of his own and he should be alive so the question is how does it work together you have a moist which you have 25 hopefully it's only 25 today there's much more sometimes in the class and you want it ever to be individual attention to each child whatever they need which even at home with uh fewer kids can be a a challenge and the in the leather and the moisture so bar hashem tonight we have with us rabbi frank glassman which has many many many years of experience and uh what comes to him on his desk on a daily basis i believe in mitsuham tonight will be able to get some of the answers but i know there are many parents out there that they want to get all the answers tonight maybe we'll see but we should have shamaya and we should be able to take out to get what we need to hear so that it should help us our kids and mitch and doris and it should be with a lot of atlantis this is a beautiful opening um again again tonight's overview of the share what we're talking about tonight is really the thinnest system and people that have different issues with it and people that have their own struggles and again questions or you know whatever we're going to try to get into general we're not solving anybody's one specific problem everything is very unique um i have to admit throughout the last one we did have over the the course of the 80 shooting before the 79 shooting before you anytime it came to the system or this and that was always shut down because that's something that nobody wants to touch so uh that you're uh opening this and it's a very important topic i have to tell you i think this is probably from the second or third most emails i've ever gotten for sure so there's definitely a lot of talk about this everybody has their own um thing which we'll get into tonight mr shem and um again i just want to mention menachem is writing a book we're still writing share 1 through 40. every glassman will be mentioned will be in book number three hopefully in 2025 so uh hopefully the the the the information will still be relevant then but anybody wants to be part of it or help please uh email coach manafort gmail.com uh for that number one and also i'm gonna learn tonight's share for the same from the same spot from last week tonight tonight and the thousands of people that will listen to this later on disclose for this person i'm going to read the refinement glasses bio to the best of my ability and then we'll uh we'll get into that okay remember frank glassman is the manager to play with us in brooklyn founder and dean of talmud torah or moshe and connecting sister nicaragua in brooklyn during his summer months he spends the vanilla camp or shraga campbell is home to several hundred bahram of course the united states of america another capacity he's dealt he's dealt with over a thousand men and women they've been suffering from various levels of different uh mental health issues ranging from ranging very minor to very severe the course of his work with a glass of notice that the average person is in need of help non-professional guiding them seek to experience large amounts of confusion a lack of information and understanding various emotional health issues and how therapy works for them again that's the therapeutic part which we're not so much going to talk about tonight but it could be but having rabbit farm glass with us here tonight the floor is yours to be honest i haven't done this before and i really didn't follow the show so i'm not sure exactly how it works but i guess there's a first for everything so we'll try you'll keep me guided as we go okay so i'll just give a little bit of a brief introduction as to why this topic came to mind and um and why it's i think something of utmost importance because like uh russia said before we deal with it day in day out we only talk about it when it gets very very difficult and at the time that we're ready to talk about it it's pretty pretty far down the line usually and it's something where you'll be at a similar you'll be at a a a vacation you'll be anywhere in the bahama calling in a circle it's always a central topic and there's more than more than enough to say about any place and every place and every yeshiva and so on and so forth and the question is what are we supposed to do with this the system the system and talking about the system is a very sensitive topic now you may think it's a sensitive topic because there are no answers you may think it's a sensitive topic because um no one wants to shoulder the blame and everybody would rather shift it to somewhere else but i think that it's really a sensitive topic because it's one that's fraught with a tremendous amount of pain imagine a person has his most cherished belonging it's his child we would give everything away for our children it's something that means more to us than anything else in the world and to watch that end up with some level even a minor level of disappointment let alone slipping let alone going very far let alone not coming to anywhere close that we drip that we we dreamt when he was still that little baby to watch the children suffering through the system that you've watched your own child go to school every day knowing he doesn't really have a chance to make it i hope he'll survive it who knows what this will mean to him in the future is nothing less than torture a lot of the time now it's true that for those that are successful in this in in in the system and there are many of those you can go through the system easy sailing and think it's the best i think today we want to try to address those that are struggling and let me tell you those that are strong that are not limited to those that are challenged in some academic area the top boys the elite as we call them even though i don't like identifying people in levels but what we're going to refer to as what people call the elites have their lion's share of struggles as well it may not be so obvious on the on the surface because they're walking the walk and talking the talk but if you know what's really happening inside of the emotional front of the and and it goes through their lives what they have to put up with it's not easy far from it but i want to first address the pain part pain has a benefit to it but it has a danger to it also for starters i feel very uncomfortable talking tonight to people that may be in a tremendous amount of pain and if somebody is to suggest to somebody who's in pain an alternate explanation orcid approach it's really not sensitive it could sound cold it could sound almost ruthless to tell the person that the pain that you've gone through is something which is quasi questionable negotiable could be dealt with this way or that way how can you take someone who's riding in pain and tell them you know even to minimize it the slightest to tell someone to accept that to move past it to make the best of it is adding more pain to injury the last thing khalid would want to do and the truth is this in and of itself really makes the entire evening tonight with some level of trepidation i'm afraid to hurt people and i'm going to ask you before i start that i look at it somewhat as the consular member that comes to the call and he sees the fellow on the floor that was hit by a car and the elena is bleeding and he's in pain and he starts to cry and says that person must be so much pain and i don't want to move him because he says much pain he can't help you can't help someone when you're going to feel the pain at the excruciating level that it is obviously we have to recognize it we have to be martial and it is and there's no underestimating the depth of the feeling that it goes that comes along with no underestimating but i think we want to be able to recognize the situation and be able to move forward in some way shape or form to be able to make the best of our lives their children's lives when there's so much pain it's hard to hear that there's another side when there's so much pain it's very hard to deal with those that are in charge that we perceive as those that are inflicting the pain and be able to deal with them in a way that can actually be productive the highly charged emotions automatically come out the other party gets defensive and the pain ends up being the catalyst that doesn't allow things to follow to the place of the more healthy um dealing with it later on very often the pain ends up being shared with the child himself and he becomes even more victimized and it as much as we can't hold it in it hurts the child to be viewed and to be seen as a victim at that level we have to be able to acknowledge and empathize with him but at the same time not to weaken him and to give him the strength to be able to get through this and maybe last but not least when there's so much pain it brings tightness it brings cautious it could even come to the point where it could weaken our own yiddish because we look at what we're supposed to aspire to what we're supposed to respect and we have strong questions strong um kindness how could you do this how could you run that kind of a system i think i'd like to put out there something that could be the beginning of of a comforting feeling that can get us to the point that we should be able to overcome this hurdle that's created by the pain that we didn't choose and that is as follows because they'll tell us that aina if a person has sour has pain and because of that he has cautious because of that he doesn't do what he's supposed to because of that he he ends up making ill-fated decisions his responsibility level goes down tremendously doesn't have a tight on him why did you do this or that when you were when you were in a massive tsar when you were in a situation of pain and the same cypher explains that when a person is in pain his mind becomes confused when a person is campaign he calls it bilbao hadas i can't think clearly i can't see clearly i can't make decisions clearly because of the pain that i'm in and if that's the case there's no time on the person because we took away his mind when the pain came the problem is that precisely when that pain is at its hardest and most powerful point that's when we need our sequel the most when a child is coasting through school that's fine we don't need to be on our game at that point as much but the moment the child is in pain and we're in pain because the situation is not working we need to have a tremendous amount of precision in our action we need to go to know a good plan of what we're doing to help them that's the time our mind is have to be the clearest that's the time we have to be the most on top of what's happening that's the time we need the most confidence and calmness in our lives and therefore the pain take removes that to the best of our abilities we want to be able to come to the point that we can undo that we can do come to the place where despite the pain we can hold on to our single despite the pain we can see clearly and despite the pain we have to come up to a plan b to manage the situation in the best way possible i want to give a little bit of a perspective about the system to um maybe to bring down or to soften the blow a bit there's a lot of talk out there you write an article against the system it'll be highlighted quite quite quickly you talk about it people have have sympathy but if you ask yourself this question who made this system who created the system we have a system of a school system we have a schindler system we have a a coveted system we have an honor system we all got to systems that are going around in our society you ever ask yourself who designed it i think i'm quite confident that no one designed it it happens as a matter of fact it's different than any other period in history that preceded this there was never a time in history where every child had to go to a mediterranean yeshiva there was never a time in history that everybody had to be so similar to each other there was never a time in history where the children were up to such decisions that our generation is facing there was never a time in history where the hidden type was as shallow and that the connection was so um um weak compared to what they would live through once upon a time the struggles that we're struggling with today from the top to the bottom from the strongest to the weakest something we didn't see in the past it happened we know that the one who designed it was a glitchboro nothing happens randomly nothing happens by itself nothing that happens to call you strong is by is by chance and the second thing i think we know is at least i don't know if the person there's no one person that can change the system can i know our clients all grew there are so many gilas so many uh different um places and situations that it's not something that's just going to happen by one of us on this call definitely not by me and therefore if we think that the only way we can survive and we can thrive and we can succeed is by changing the system then we may be barking up the wrong tree i want to have one more thing to understand in the system there's a good reason why the system developed this way what the system developed this way because of the needs that caused it to develop this way and it's not the leaders of the specific moistus that created this system but society created this assist every person is part of this creation i know many many rebellious yeshivas of teachers that run girl schools and halls and principles and the russian mices that open meisters they're putting in their monsieur snowfish they're trying to do the best that they can you may tell me that you're not equipped to deal with some of the problems that we have today but they're doing the best they can it's extremely difficult to run a mice i'm telling you from the inside and from the outside extremely difficult it's impossible to do it with anything less than mr established think about how hard it is to run a home with a couple of children multiply that by a hundred and just like you see in your own children differences difference in needs from one to the other imagine doing that by the hundreds that we have canine earth and everything up to thousands if you think you can do a better job running the mice the floor is open no one stopped anybody from opening your mic if you didn't open it just because you realize that it's difficult to do it it's difficult to penetrate the system it's difficult to survive in the system there are many people that have tried to open up meisters that were different than the regular system i know many many many of those didn't succeed to last that many years others had to change their mandate pretty soon if they wanted to survive keeping the mice and running within the system is a question of survival we'll talk about this as we go through some of the questions with hashem it's very easy on the outside to say that this should change your battery change now i'm not looking here to defend the system i'm looking to look at the system to understand the system where it came from the the the needs be at the competition be it the phone calls every voice system is is is fighting for its own survival every school is judged by the audience the audience is who creates the fundamentals of the school every school is required to be able to attract its feed we know that if we see something wrong in a school it goes around very quickly and the school can lose its level can lose its its ability to attract and people jump to the next one very very quickly tell someone who has a good uh a smart academically advanced student i want you to come to my school which serves yiddish guys so well but the boys do jump around we tolerate the adhd kids and and if a boy is slipping we don't we don't move him so fast are we all ready to say that we'll send our best children to those schools are we ready to say that we would tolerate our child who wants to do more to be in a class or something else that's disturbing him or are we going to say that the minute it's not surviving but what we need we're going to throw the school under the bus it's been it's happened so many times it's happened so many times the well-meaning people that got burnt by trying to be the good one and the same people that judge them didn't go so i don't think that we can throw everything onto the schools most schools today whether we like it or not are privately owned unless you're part of a kehillah that's out of town or if you're part of a facilis where the casitas has to take care of their own most schools are privately owned which means that their future is at risk and their demise could be at any given point the next school opens and draws their crowd away most of what the schools are offering if it's too much it's done as a way to be able to keep the place together the crowd created the systems much more than those that they help and those that are doing it or have them mr stanfish to be able to continue to keep it alive we have to be able to look at it and in a perspective from both angles and see how we're going to bridge the two there's no question that every rishi wants his children to be ma and there's no question that every parent wants his children to be we have to be able to make that bridge um there's a little bit more to go but i think maybe we'll stop for some questions we'll leave the rest of the end zone robert glassman that was home run whoa it's okay i think your answer is everything and i'm definitely not opening my mindset i'm just confirming with it now you're welcome the floor is open and i know people are open voices i talk them every day they're literally killing themselves there's no question they're killing themselves let's get into it there's so many questions i i think the questions will bring everything out so let's let's just jump into it okay let me give you a one minute break we're gonna take a poll the elm is gonna answer let's get a feeling and then we'll jump into it okay two questions here we go everybody when you had a personal struggle in the school system and you and you brought it up to the staff how did to the staff do you feel a they would you were taken serious and they would try to do anything once i gotta make a larger can't read it's a long answer they um they would try to do anything to help you did you feel like that with your message when you had a problem with your child b they tried but really wouldn't budge on what was necessary for my child or c ignored they said it's your problem not ours those are the three questions everybody based on your experience that you've i mean i'm sure everybody will have a kid that went through moses system had had something that they have to reach out to the school so this is a great question for anybody who went through that i'm curious what what they would answer and then the second question is if there was something specific you would you would want to see change what would it be first first answer is the school should be flexible with all rules that fits for my child that that would be amazing i want to go to that school the second option is more training for teachers around game to understand today's challenges in today's generation or number three don't try to fix it because the loss will be great at the game so if you try to do one thing good that will change it you understand there's always going to be a backlash for that so those are the two questions i think they're unbelievable questions and i would like everybody to answer it's anonymous and then we're going to review what everybody answered and ruby glasgow we're going to jump straight into questions again before we do that i just want to wait to know ezekiel to have a glassman here somebody who's expert in this for years or glassman confirming that you did not create the system is that correct but no no no no confirming and all the problems that were not created by you am i correct it's all for sure not no okay five seconds let's end the poll and then let's jump into it ready five four three two one here we go so now we're gonna share with everybody okay first question when you feel when you had a personal struggling school student for your kid and you brought up to the staff how did you feel they dealt with it thirty three percent of people said they were taking serious they would try to do anything to help you which is a very high number 42 said they try but really wouldn't budgets necessary for my child 24 ignored it's your problem not ours or last month pretty split into three if you see that yeah but but 24 is still a big percent for the bottom yeah okay second question second question is much more uh we're seeing something very clear over here if there was something specific you'd like to see change what would it be so let only 11 say the school should be flexible with rules that's fit for every child so i think people realize that's not really an option eighty-six percent of people are saying more training for teachers and remain to understand today's challenge for the kids and only three percent say don't fix it because they'll also be great in the game so uh the second one's pretty clear you could exit the screen we're gonna start with a few questions that came in just to get warmed up again anybody who once last question was like that river glass from here with us tonight please text us your partner so we're on the screen with your questions of course the people that will go live well the questions will go first anybody texts we have a huge huge list of questions over here so um if you want to get on the list isn't it but let's let's ask live and let's let's let's go this is uh something we really want to consider tonight okay um let's start with the first question okay first question i have here it seems as though this is actually from a rebbe it seems as though one of once the boys once many boys reach the age of bar mitzvah boys with excellent me those boys from the finest homes they become unable to control their behavior in school nothing seems to penetrate their mindset of i'm in charge no one can make me do anything not speechless from obeying no threats is there any hope how can teachers witness the daily and not feel like they're adults are part of the problem okay so first of all i think that there are levels of that i'm i'm going to yeshiva i don't i can't say that i get that feeling from the boys that they're not ready to listen i think um if you talk about me this and so on they will they will get there i want you to back up a second and explain a little bit what's happening there and why they're they're becoming like that and i also want to say that many of those children you should just know by the time 10 years rolls around they're going to be very different it's a stage that they go through it's a stage when they start becoming adults they they it comes from they start learning even they start being more successful they start seeing the world more clearly and they're still adding to their sejo without the maturity that really comes along with it and it's a regular adolescent behavior to think you know it all you know you learn to wow i know i can say over a variety so i'm somebody in the more yoshi a place in the other place i'm more athletic so i'm i'm i have what to be proud of in another place it'll be with his studies whatever it's going to be it's a natural instinctive piece of a child getting into that and lessen stage where this happens i'll say more so is and um i don't get in trouble for saying this but some people will tell you that in the more devout communities we'll call it more yeshiva or it may be a bigger issue than in some of the more out of town communities we tend to think that the out of town communities that children are more are better behaved so to speak and again i'm not going to label communities and say anything like that but part of it is we are training them when they get to that age that you're special you're bar mitzvah you have your twilight you have your view of him you can learn how to learn we pump them with aspiration we push them to do more part of the price that you pay for that is they take you seriously and they'll think of what you're telling them that message is really there so when they're giving you the the negative side of the the arrogance or the bigotry even possibly what's really happening there is they're taking a good kayak that we've tried to imbue to them and something that naturally happens at that stage in their life and they're just using it in the wrong place so what we have to try to do is be behind them and talk about it i think that we don't speak about read this enough and if we did we spoke about bernoull javert more we spoke about midday it would take us a very very far away i think even more so if i could if i may say i said there was a teacher that asked this i think in general we tend to teach the children about me this or about being mensch look when something bad happens they um got the english teacher fired they're going to get a schmooze about their hurts they uh they threw things out the window they're going to get a schmooze about um um why are you hurting other people um they made a mess they clean them after themselves and this matters was it was a mess they'll get a schmooze about cleanliness what ends up happening is that the message doesn't penetrate so well because it's looked at as yeah of course you're giving us the smooths you need the job done so you're using the tire as your stick to get the job done it goes a lot further if the meters are taught as a separate thing into themselves we learn we learn we learn how to fill it and help us meet this [Music] there are halachus that describe that if we turn that into something of us of of godless of aspiration not just as usage i think it will take us a lot a lot further i also think that it's something which is not taught so much through a speech but more through a consistent interaction we have so many opportunities to bring the idea into play you're learning you're interacting with the people yourselves um the way that we conduct ourselves is a way of life it's an attitude it's a way of thinking it's not it's not so much of a behavior which is totally a behavioral manner so what we have to do is we have to get them to understand this way of thinking and a person adopts a way of thinking through his experience much more than he does through his um listening to an explanation and therefore if we if we um find opportunities to drop these hints to drop these messages several several times a lesson in little ways here and there or or victorious to champions wherever it comes out that this because especially the parachutes that we're learning now it's so much to talk about and it became part of the limit i think it would penetrate in a much stronger way and obviously there's more to say but let's go to the next one okay let's go some live questions everybody wants to ask live we're getting tons of texts whoever wants to go live you go first you're first go let's go good evening um every glassman is it possible that it's not the systems that are at fault here but rather maybe parents who are not totally taking responsibility for what the reality is going on with their children definitely there's no one person to blame and definitely parents have to do their part that's not even a question i think what what a lot of the the spirit of the questions are coming are even from very very well-meaning parents even parents who really did all they could but they took responsibility they tried but their son can't make it in the system that we have and there's a tremendous amount of pain that's going on because here i did do that yes you're right a lot of the times it's coming from problematic situations it's true but a lot of it is there are many many parents who really give their life for their children they try their best but the child is hyperactive or the child is dyslexic well the child is um academically falling behind or lacking some social skills or or or or or has a an inkling to to um to you know other parts of the world which are not acceptable in our circles so i think that it's true some it's the parents issue but for very very many it's well-meaning parents that are really trying but they just can't do it my son can handle yeshiva day from the age of 12 from 7 in the morning to 8 o'clock at night 13 hours in the building he goes crazy so there is definitely both ends of the spectrum and it's true but yes for sure i think every parent has to have an introspection to himself and say am i just passing the buck by blaming the school or is it something that i can do differently i think that's something we should we really ought to um to want to visit especially like i said before that i think the parents you know have a big big part in the way that we um the way the system became designed because their demands and their interests also also have a lot to do with how the school is going to react yeah where is it okay let's go there's so many questions here when i'm mute there we go okay you're on hi so first of all thank you so much i enjoyed so far and i have a question based on the first part of your introduction about um the emotional pain piece so it seems from the world that i live in the people around me that emotional pain is at least understood and because i'll say at least from what i understand that it's the most painful kind of pain and how can you help well-meaning people friends relatives community understand more what it is and then it's a real thing it's not made up and it seems that the attitude is just let it go just move on they may not say it in words but it's the overall feeling let me let me tell you like this if there was so if there's one person in history that um endured enormous amount of pain in his life it was probably he looked through to hillary he was captured he was put down by his brothers he was a shepherd he he had a a life he fought wars his whole life he literally his entire being was one piece of tsar we looked through tehillim we don't find that i don't use the word quest but like he said i can't deal with this anymore we find it in one place there's one place where dr mello says marabou tsari my sorrow my pain is just too great how big is i can't handle it and that was the varchar of absolute night when his son of sheldon didn't turn out right that was the one place that david mello above all he was captured he was he was tortured he had all kinds of things that happened to him he never complained about it until it came to this point we see clearly that the pain for this is unequal to anything else there's no question there is no question and i i definitely think that it's felt by a lot of people unfortunately if someone hasn't experienced himself it could be hard to fathom the the level of what it is but i i think that the the difficulty in in being able to emphasize with people that have empathized with with people that have it is usually when there's a defense meaning if if somebody is coming to the yeshiva complaining or asking for something and they're pulling out the card that my kid's gonna go to the derrick and so on so there's a react there's a reaction that happens there is that i don't want to be pushed in the wrong place i don't want my arm to be twisted and therefore at those times i think is where the the um maybe the insensitivity is seen and this stubborn rigidity and the inability to allow any level of flexibility comes across as so unsensitive and almost ruthless but i think when it's not in that competitive position everybody feels the pain and everybody understands that this is something which is enormous and i don't think there's a single person that's in the system that walks by a child that was once in the yeshiva and they see that now he's not doing well and he's not looking the same and he's not acting the same he's not happy that doesn't feel his heart broke when he sees that okay last one let's go next question you're on let's go hello robert glass i'm sean malekam thank you very much for coming on the show um as a school owner in lakewood your introduction was uh like rabasha said out of the park um a question for you is i'm not an educator so i can't speak of the education part but in today's uh generation today's uh young people how much in in your experience how much do you do they appreciate what the school does and how much responsibility do they take as quote-unquote being partners in the education of their children i think that there's a diverse reaction from parents you have those parents who think they have the answers and they're unhappy you have the parents who know they don't have the answers and they're unhappy the ones who have the answers want the school to do differently because they have the right answers the ones that don't have the answer say what do you want from me i'm not the professional you're the one that should know how to do it so you should take care then you have those in the middle whose children are doing okay and they're happy so the the the answer is that whoever has the pain is going to think that the other person has is the one at full it's just the natural instinct that we all are we're humans um as far as your question as who should take the response how much do they really appreciate what's happening i think it's it's it's a lot less than what's really happening a lot less a lot less if if people would understand what it means to run a school how many different details have to go in to make it clock to make it work how hard it is for rebbe to sit in the classroom and what the expectation we have about rebbe is enormous he has to be a rebbe a teacher a counselor a psychologist a father a a disciplinarian and an interesting and a narrator and charismatic we want everything from the rebbe and he's about to do all of that at the same time that he's teaching and get to every last boy and be able to be on top of his game through obama trying but trying very hard what we're asking of a rebbe in all honesty is an impossibility the class is too large the problems are too many i've sat down with mr bae many times to help them go through their class so let's go take an inventory who in the class needs help almost every child on the list needs something the same time the rebbe is focused 90 of his day academics as soon as he's finished the english teacher comes in when does he have a chance almost to deal with anything we're giving them a task which is mighty murder they're trying their best so is it is it recognized you have to really sit and think and try to figure out you know how many times does a rebbe could even lose it at times because a boy got under his skin and under the pressure that he's under do we give him the the the understanding that he's human do we ask ourselves do we ever lose with our children not to answer but uh but the the idea is that we definitely have to give them a lot more slack and work with them they definitely are going to be rebellious they're not equipped 100 whatever reason you to say they're not equipped they don't have the talents they don't have the the the know-how and they may not even have the stamina and the keisha at this point in their lives it's possible but for the most part um i think the obey might try and try very hard and we definitely owe them a lot of recognition and if we come to a rebbe and there's an issue and we ask we first show him how much we appreciate it and then say but my child needs some extra or some different you'd get a much much better response that if you come in feeling that he's the problem is there any way to make the gap closer the the moisture than the appearance maybe we can get them to sit around the table before the problem starts if you did it on zoom it'd be a lot better because when it gets heated you can mute it's it's it's something which obviously has to happen but you really need good faith on both sides to create an environment of safety that there could be that level of trust and openness from both sides here's a question that came and my son is in the class where the rebbe is extremely tough with him my son is bright and expects him to do well on tests i try to explain that he is not a good test taker my son loves all his friends in the class but doesn't have a catch with the rebbe how should i address it would you say is that a good test taker that could have various meanings to it there are some children that are good test takers because their processing skills aren't that good there are some that have a hard time writing there's some that have no patience to do it and there are some that freeze up or get anxious when there are questions so really it really makes a big difference as to why he's not a good test taker it sounds here like we've assumed that taking the tests with some kind of help or some kind of a way is that an option secondly is we're saying that the reason why he has no question with the rebbe is because he doesn't take tests which is a question why that is and we're saying the third thing is that the rebbe expects to take a test it must be he's a tough ready i think verbatim has um have to have standards they have to demand and if rebbe makes it a test in his class is nothing important and if you're not interested you don't have to take it if i had to re write the script without being there the boy probably doesn't listen that well when it's taught and then when it comes to the test he doesn't take so seriously and the regulator feels somewhat threatened that in the class the test is being brought down in a level and if the rebbe probably thinks that the boy is pulling the wall over his parents and everybody else around them he's going to show him there's there's a lot that has to be clarified which could be clarified with healthy dialogue and um i think before we try to make peace with the rebbe and the child i think the parents in therapy have to make peace let's get to the same place where we're not attacking each other we have this this this difficulty can we brainstorm together how we're going to get to the place that we have to get and start by prefacing by really trying to understand the problem before we look to the solution it's not about how how many times do you twist the arm until it hurts enough to do the test a child that can do well on a test would want to take a test it's a good feeling to do all of the tests especially as a bright point he knows the material why would he want to do it so there's something there that's in the way so let's try to figure out what's in the way then let's think what we can do about it then let's sit down with the rebbe and have a discussion where we acknowledge what he's doing and we make peace within ourselves which is easier for adults to make sure advice than for child to do it and then let's see what we really need to do for the child because i'm not so sure that giving him a free ride and telling me that the rebbi should just acknowledge he doesn't take tests is necessarily the best thing for him so it's really specific you need to go through all those problems we're supposed to be on top of this this is the council of the school the manal there's a lot of work to do behind the behind the class you know yes i i i think i find that when the parents come across um with their hearts and hakaria sative the robe are more than willing to talk to them the ones who get sidelined and the ones who clicked ignore i can't say all the time because sometimes the problem is so good and they don't know how to deal with it ends up being there but a lot of the time is there there became a rift between the rebbe and the parents before they had a chance to even see each other and have and have a discussion about it the kid says some story that happened in the class i heard the other kid in the carpool said yeah that's really what's happened and we already start twisting or tainting our view and then it leads to automatically giving off certain vibes which escalates the problem we want i'm not saying the rape is right very very often it's not the case but let's first um get to a place that we have a working relationship a respectful relationship and then let's try to do this together go through piece by piece now very often you'll need somebody at a professional level to try to ascertain what the issue is but a lot of times two good people working together the ms can bring out a lot of good all right we're glad from scratch looks great okay there's so many more live let's go you're on live uh this is a two-part question um first of all is it fear to say that nowadays there's uh there's the parents there's the rebbe and then there's the the kid himself is that a question who do you want to take out there ready so so so it's not really a question it's really leading up to the second part you me i think i don't know what you mean do we do we do we put the child as somewhat responsible yeah yeah yeah so i think as follows you know there are different um places in the world which are treated differently for example let's say a person is coming to a a show or a concert so what's the what's the job of the person that's attending he has to book a ticket he has to pay for it you gotta get some transportation to the to the venue where it's being shown he has to get through security he's got to get to his seat get some popcorn sit down and now he did his part the rest is the is the the producer whoever's whoever is is supplied entertainment has to supply the rest you go to medical school if somebody goes to medical school and he comes out and he wants to be a doctor and he has to pass his uh his his exams and so on he says well listen i came every day i did my part i don't know anything at the end because i was dreaming because i was sleeping because i was doodling but so what i came i did my part and i paid i paid tuition for the teacher to to teach me i don't think anybody's going to that search for surgery um just because he was there now when you send the child to yeshiva are you sending him to the entertainment show where your job is finished the boy's job is finished when he comes to the classroom or he's sending him to a place where we don't give entertainment here we offer it um we offer lessons you can take it online now there's no question that once upon a time ninety percent of the acharyas was on the child no question there's no question that today's days between all the articles that have been written we're shifting much much more we may be even almost 90 percent in the other direction they say a difference between once upon a time a boy came home from crader his father asked him so does he rebbe like you today in charlotte do you like your rebbe that's the difference that we're we we are sub consciously implanting that and if you read the articles about what the rebbe should be doing and how many courses he should be taking and and and all the time is about the people writing about what he didn't do and the anger that we have towards the ones who messed up and so on well really giving the message to the child is you're going for entertainment it's his job to get you going when a rebbe is popping a god preparing a lesson and teaching and all we can do when the kid comes home knowing nothing is say i think he'd be a little warmer you know he'd be able to reach him very nice to say that but you know is that the case or is the job of the child so no question in the world for that of the child the more is that he carries the more responsibility he carries by himself the more he'll take out of the lesson a superstar rebbe that has all kinds of talents is able to turn on children who came in as spectators and turn them into students that actually put their effort in the job the responsibility once upon a time was that the child comes in and the rebbe teaches that's the way he always used to be and that's the way the parents expected it and that's what we always did today it shifted and believe me if there's one thing that we're suffering for most in the system i may say that that's what it is the children come in feeling entitled to um i have to like my rebbe asking ourselves how many times do we ask our child do you like your rabbi he said what's the gishmaker day today do you say a good story was there something else happening what you're really telling the child is that you're the one that's going to give the rate for the rebbe you know well you'll decide how much tip he deserves it's it's a certain mentality that has shifted which is a corbin so question how to do it is not gonna be like telling your son you're responsible necessarily but it's by interacting with him whether rebbe is special if you have the opportunity to be in the rebbe's class you need to utilize that opportunity to come back with something for sure go ahead okay that's that's i want to cover a few more i have a bunch of questions i really want to cover i have a glass with a little something from that okay what are your thoughts it says first grader but let's just globalize what are your thoughts on a student who doesn't want to listen to the teacher and she acts up and the teacher sends her out to calm down what is something else that can be done what can an assistant do with her outside to recognize that she's disturbed in class besides trying to catch her doing well which she's already tried like hey the first part of the question is the kids like not behaving and like making noise only optionally i was just throwing them out is there any other thing we could do i mean when the child is out how do you like let her recognize the reason why she's out is because of the way she's behaving it's like saying um could you tell me quickly how do you do heart surgery just quickly the kids are like how do you just do that um you're asking me the entire card you got the insurance card you're asking me the essence of teaching teaching is not a technique that you follow steps abc every child is different every situation is different generally speaking i'll give you a little bit of general but generally speaking a child doesn't want to be make trouble child doesn't want to be sent out and if they're doing it there's there's some kind of a reason that's underlying there um and um especially at a young age if it's if it's some type of of a you know a lack of development in some area not necessarily is the classroom the place for it you really have to see decide is that is a child too bored as a child missing social skills there could be so many different things that are happening there that it's it's not good the the problem with sending a way of sending a child out of class is that you can do that it's a once twice he's going to get used to it the principles are not to do with him it's going to end up being a solution that doesn't really work for much because it may help you that the class can function which is a consideration at times for sure but it's not going to get you anywhere because it's a type of solution that's going to run dry rather quickly so um it's also a solution which has very little to it it's a very simple simplistic way to do that you know you don't have to go to school for that you don't have to think about that much it's the simplest way of you know there's a problem here let's just get rid of it i don't think our our view should be how do you how do you get rid of a problem by just sidelining it usually we have to sit down and try to think through what we can do with that child and and and help them through it um there are there are endless number of suggest that can happen you know depending on the situation um however there are going to be times where there are children that are so disruptful and need much much more um um time time-staking uh interventions that you want it won't be possible to leave him in the classroom even if you know what to do with him but when you're running a class not always is it possible and there are some rebates that have special techniques that are able to do it yes there are some but for for most probably it becomes very very problematic there's no choice at which point you start thinking about alternate solutions and how you deal with a child that can't be in the classroom but before we before we we stamp him and label him can't be in a classroom there's really plenty to do with plenty to explore murray dick very last one okay let's go to the live question you're on hi there um so one thing that i noticed with my son was that he was staying where they didn't it wasn't as much all the time the classroom it was also like for shabbat it was very hard for him because it was very institutional and they didn't like go to the rebbe's houses and they had to be somewhere at all times like and they didn't really relax and so he couldn't really enjoy shabbos and so i think i don't know like there's probably lots of issues that aren't like that but um you know i think that it's also important that the kids enjoy it on their own terms or be able to make some choices um in order for them to to feel like it's for them you know because it's not that you know you want their kids to learn and everything but at some level you know they also have to buy into the system and so with the warmth of being in someone's house you know on shabbos or making their own choices might might help and that's just a comment that i wanted to bring up i don't know if you have any comments on that yeah no definitely choices um is is is an important thing we have to realize that in a in a system um if everybody makes their own choices if every child will decide what time we should start class and each election will decide what we should learn today and how fast we should learn and how much we should learn you don't have a school at that point you just send them to the local shul and they can spend the day there as they feel um in terms of choices i think the achievements definitely try to leave areas where the child can have some choices but for the most part during those years of yeshiva the choices are less now if a boy resents the the situation that's not a question of choices because if um if the yeshiva is doing what they think is best for the child and that's the type of system that this boy signed up to like i imagine he knew that this was the way it worked before he went there so it wasn't a surprise so if you know what you're getting yourself into and then you you go there and take it and then turn around say well i want it to be run differently is i go to a hardware store and say why don't you sell milk this is what we serve here this is what's this is what's happening and there are various types of yeshivas that a person can choose one that will work for him now as far as the resenting the lack of ability to make choices i think if i may that if there was a warm casual with the rebbe this wouldn't be such an issue because he would understand and feel that the redmi directing him is really the best choice that he can make for himself because the arabian means his best benefit and the rebbe knows a lot better than him what's really good for him um but definitely there could be areas of choice in different places and so on and um it's important for word to happen as well the child probably didn't choose to go to school his parents took him there oh well usually the parent that wants to give him choices will let them choose the school because that's the first place to start with choices i definitely think that to to to it's significant for a boy when he's choosing the yeshiva to go to to be positive about the choice i can't say that he has to be the only one to choose it obviously um but he should go with a positive feeling if a boy goes to yeshiva when he knows his parents force them to go there and he didn't buy into it a lot of times that creates a lot of issues especially this is a real issue where the parent thinks the child is much more advanced the boy doesn't think i'm up to that level yet and the father says for my prestige you need to be in a better place and i'm really doing with your goods i know you could do it that could bring a lot of resentment a lot of problems and service that happened later on so we have to really be honest with ourselves and our children what's really really best for them not thinking what's really going to be best for us okay let's go to the next question you're on [Music] hello am i on you're on okay first of all we'd like to think of asha and coach for such great chiurum it's really something else cut above the rest i want to thank you have a glassman for coming on tonight um we have a question like this you really mentioned it in your introduction but today not every bucket is the olive walker and a lot of bakran try and they try very hard and if you're not labeled to get into that yeshiva there's a lot of use that's involved and people just you see a lot of balkan flowing through the cracks and this and that how do we explain or give over to our children that even if you're not that out walker there's nothing to feel bad about then you keep on going strong what corrects for the first you told me that not everybody's an ala i disagree i don't think we put labels on bahrain i don't think people should be uh put into um categories it's not um it's not different quality meat you know you don't pay by that pound it's it's you talking about a human being it's in a shama that that's the way they used to made him this whole idea that we're going to rate people and then classify them by their ratings and then treat them according to the classification and then um everybody else has to feel less than is is is really a big big problem and i think that for starters us as parents we have to stop using that terminology and we have to stop even being much of that terminology you're you and you're going to be the best you can if the parent really doesn't mind which issue the boy goes to then the boy won't mind it as much either i can't say it not at all because in the classroom they talk about it a lot and however that would be something that would be you know changed in our system and i think we're talking about that changing the system not to use the language yeshiva that we create a label that tells you that if you're not this you can't be anything the second thing is the last one i want to clarify a little bit the macias is at the end of the day we don't we could use all the nice words that we could believe in our kids and that's but at the end of the day if 10 of my books from my class are going to brisk and i'm not going th the mathias is that i'm not at risk i'm just great that's right correct but we also created the idea that it's all or nothing if i'm not in the isle of sheba then i'm a loser i'm not a loser there are plenty of yeshivas and there are issues the problem really comes is if a boy is very weak academically and he can't get into the we'll call it the base or kimmel for lack of a better terminology then it gets even more painful so i think the the starters the the the the the the the um the idea that if a boy by by eighth grade by beginning of eighth grade by seventh grade he hasn't yet seen the light to be inspired to be this big time he's basically we could write them off for life that notion is so far off the mark it's unbelievable so the question is what do you tell the parents the questions would he tell the children the idea that if i go to a certain yeshiva i'm guaranteed to be a certain level of success and i go to another yeshiva i'm guaranteed a different level of success is a mistaken premise it's a totally mistaken premise there are plenty of boys that go to we'll call it um yeshiva b and end up doing a lot better than voice mushiba a there are plenty of boys to go to shiva a and end up doing a lot worse than boise yeshiva b to think that just because the label of i got in there and now i can feel like i can walk around with it with the with it with the metal that i'm this type of a boy is going to get us very far is such a mistake it's just it's part of the mistake and the person has to know that you had slushes abs just going to put you and the where you're going to whichever ship you're going to end up in is the best one for you and we have to implore that moon as being true now as far from a social aspect how do i face my my friends if i didn't get in it's going to be the same if if his friends are better athletes it would be the same if his friends are taller it's going to be the same if his friends do who knows what he has to know that your future the ambition can make you who you have to be regardless of where you end up you have to understand that you can wherever you're going to end up being babysitter can make you come out a lot better the abc doesn't need that yeshiva to make you monthly it has to we have to we're hitting them we believe that's what it is and mama the idea of years is ridiculous and i think from the get-go we tell the children if you know he can't get to that place and it's not going to be for him then don't make that an aspiration for you helping and very very many boys are much better off for the yeshiva that will cater to them more yeshiva they'll be able to be the top rather than a yeshiva where they're going to have to struggle to beat the bottom there's so many other factors that go into it for what's really going to make a difference for his life and not so much there's a little bit of a name they have to get over in a short amount of time i think that if we had the proper attitude to it and we give off that message from early on which you should be going through doesn't change who you are which issue you get into doesn't define your value if we really believed it ourself we'd be able to give it over and then it would be a lot easier for the children to do it and you'll see in the families where the parents are really okay with it the children have a much easier time very very smells beautiful okay let's go the next live question you're on okay thank you you could hear me yes okay great okay thank you robert glassman for addressing this important issue um i'm not sure that i have questions i think i have comments um and i wanted to he you know to hear what you have to say about that so i think before we solve anything we have to identify the problem i'm not sure what problem we're identifying today that we're trying to solve um speaking for myself as a parent um hashem is a you know is a clown addressing those who are delayed very well by hashem with all services that are available these days in most places not all places but wherever we can um my issue as a parent let's say was what to do with kids who are too much and i found that you know too smart but i'm above the average and i found problem for me as a parent is that there is no place for boys like that um that they're being you know put into an average and they're being pushed into an average and they're not at this you know the smartness is not being encouraged so to say um you're referring to various from five year old to 15 year old and where do you see it being a problem uh what do you mean where in which age oh why is that still problem so he's with average so he'll have time in his life to to us to to get to bigger better places who said that somebody who's smarter that's in the class that's not so smart suffers maybe not not maybe everyone i hear points not everybody suffers but those who do suffer those who do find it boring and don't want to go because it's a waste of their life um those who are bored and start misbehaving that creates problems right so it's not necessarily for those who don't suffer it's niche concussion right it's not a problem there's no we don't need a solution because it's not a problem yeah but even with those are suffering you have to be sure that their suffering is because of their um academic abilities and that's really the reason why they're suffering i know many many smart boys and that went through the system and did beautifully the attacker were smarter i think what we have to do with those children is is supplements i know very often i'll tell parents that you know just like for the delayed children you have to get a tutor the same thing if your child does it is it advanced get him into the russell or extroversion for extra mario they're extra curricular stuff there are things that can be done for children like that but usually the child is misbehaving because he's bright which does happen it definitely does happen that children that are bored that at least in this behavior and for them just like we dealt with delayed children we have to deal with them as well and get them the help that they need to be able to um put their coix where it is but usually if there's something it's because there's another aspect to it also it's not just their abilities so exactly wonderful thank you for saying this because this brings me exactly to the next point and the point being is that we as a kahila do i mean where i live uh we do not allow this extracurricular activities and anything that kids do beyond lehman becomes a problem and so you know it's even then the rules of the moistness can't go there and can't do this again to the third so if that is the case what happens is we as uh i know as a professional so that was my problem as a parent but as a professional i'm seeing in kids in general is that we do not let them feel the success um competitive competitiveness is a natural part of us as humans if we don't let them compete in other things sports whatever it is right what happens they complete compete in limit and becomes a peer pressure oh this is like we were just talking about you know olive boy and whatever it is it's natural it's not not going to go anywhere this is how abhishe made us if we don't let kids develop these other talents that hashem gave that we are sort of healing these talents we're not letting them succeed we don't let them taste this success and then spill it over onto other areas where they can succeed so that's a problem too i see it as a problem it definitely could be a problem at times but when someone has a talent that he doesn't have the ability to to allow it to grow it could be painful that's for sure um in the in the question of how the the different tequilas work and what they allow what they don't allow you know there's always a reason why they don't allow something and there's always a loss when you um when you uh pick one side of an extreme it's going to be a game there's always going to be a price to pay for it and obviously that's the price that that's going to come along with it but a person as a parent has to try to be creative within the system to try to really be creative and figure out something that the children can do um that's what it is yeah okay here's here's another question it's a little bit long so bear with me thank you for addressing this issue i'm sure so many mothers like me are dealing with this i live in a firm community where it's all about superficial yiddish guides as long as you maintain your dress code and lifestyle you can fake it and make it this does not resonate with my kids who are very deep sensitive sensible inshamas especially my 16 year old daughter who is much more authentic than that she hates going to school sitting through abstract tashkoff's lessons that even the teacher can relate to let alone the students and her classmates who fake it are appreciated by the principals and teachers her mises amis is causing her confusion she happens to be in balasmith and hides her feelings towards the teachers and classmates but she's bursting out of herself to me as a parent i try not to aggravate her against the finnish system while i try to show her compassion and understanding how do i support her with strength to survive the schooling and changing schools is not an option this um this truth to the fact that um at times there is a certain superficiality to to the yiddish kind however for somebody to be seen in the classroom and feel like i'm busting and look down and judge everybody around them and look down at them because of their lack of authenticity is not a problem with the other people alone we have to be able to have a tight value and be able to see in every bit of of superficiality and every bit of learning which sounds like it's fake there's some level of truth it may not be to the level of truth that they want to say you know um take all of us we doubt it every single day we believe we're talking about we get distracted in the middle i'm going to say that i'm superficial you're gonna say that i'm not dominant no i'd like to dive in i'm trying hard what should i do that the the target's the better end of me so when we look at people that are coming to school and they're learning and they're doing the best that they can and they're trying we have to cut up some slack and give them credits feeling lofty feeling holier than feeling better then and because of that getting irritated by others is something that a person has to work on on their own that'd be able to be down like schools but you be able to tolerate them they have to be able to see the good in other people looking down at other people doesn't get anybody anywhere and therefore um they have to be able to take it with a with a with a good eye to the others and it goes step further if you give somebody abraham that they're deeper so then you can't take your milo and say that i'm better than everybody else because this barf who gave me a brah we're in goes part and parcel of goddess especially is going to be where people are shallow people are distant people are fake this is what the ghazal tells us it's going to look like at this time this time in history they're going to be those amongst the group that are going to be luckier than the others so feel pride and feel proud and feel lucky and see to try to share it with the others but to look down and feel like you're busting that's your problem that when we sit with other you we should never get to the point that we can't stand them because they're not as good as i am you can find something that works for her whatever a teacher teaches should uh resonate and be ms for her i imagine that when the teacher's teaching she's saying over with hazal so that's ms so even if the children can't incorporate it into their lives as it yet or they're just taking notes and spitting it back on the test let's say but it's true and some of it goes in some of it definitely goes in and you never know when that stuff that goes in will come to help that person in their time of need in their time of messiah so i don't think it's fair to discount it i think we could say that it's not as as as tremendous as we'd like it to be but it's not uh not something to to belittle or to make away with and we're not interviewing them on you because who knows what each year thinks and how much how real they take it and how much emmaus is there i don't think we have the i don't think i know we don't we don't have the ability to understand who's who and who's what and therefore we have to be able to look at them with a good eye and accept them as people and um and and be happy to be part of them and try and try as hard as you can to actually be part of them otherwise you're going to alienate yourself you have no friends it'll take you to a very very bad place okay you're on next live question let's go let's cover i'm noticing i'm just as an educator and as a parent i notice a disparity in education there are different educational goals and standards for girls and boys um that means how we teach them muscle how we teach the medos i'm asking this question because parents have to deal with expectations raising girls and boys and they want to back their schools and yet expectations for the girls and the boys are different and this also is a problem when shidduche arrives and we're supposed to match these girls with these boys if rabbi glassman could unify educational goals for schools so that the girls and the boys their education seem to be more in sync what would that look like the problem with education of girls and boys being in sync is that the the the education of the girl system is something which is relatively new the pisciaco system is rarely uh 89 years old it was done at a time in history where there was trouble before that girls never went to school so the whole idea of the girls learning system is different than the voice system intrinsically the boy's focus the way the yeshiva system worked today the boy's focus is on learning tomorrow in and of itself and they're hopeful that the children they'll get everything else that they need from the gemara itself the girls can't learn tomorrow the girls have a lot more time on their hands the girls are faced with different types of messianis the girls are faced with different type of thing and therefore their their their learning is focused on different areas i think that a good girl and a good boy that each did their own systems are able to get married and have a wonderful connection and they complement each other and they move forward with that if it's becoming if it's becoming an issue then the issue is because one of the sides didn't do what they were supposed to meaning he went to yeshiva but he didn't really learn so now yeah of course the girl who did well in her system is going to be lacking for the boy who didn't do well in his system so i'm not sure what you mean by we should put the two they're two different there's two different goals there's two different enterprises of what they're both doing the the girls are learning life skills really and the boys are learning how to throw themselves into learning in just in learning the type of learning doesn't allow for the other type of of work but if they both do what they're supposed to or what they're expected to do so to speak throughout their system they will both end up in a good place and we see that their planet should work beautifully if it's not working it's usually because one of the sites wasn't successful what they were supposed to do i'll say one more thing which maybe this is the underlying what you mean to say it's easier to find a good girl than a good boy and a lot of the girls coming out of seminary are much more um gung-ho and advanced and stronger and about their convictions than maybe some of the a lot of the boys coming out of the other system and there may be some truth to that i think a lot of that has to do with the fact that a boy's eat sahara is a lot stronger because he has a fear to learn to automatically needs her stands up against it much much much stronger and the demands that are made of them are much much harder they they they're sitting in the ship for many more years than a girl has to and maximum was one year of seminary where the spanish been there for five six years and therefore to maintain that level is hard for a longer period of time there's a lot to say within the subject that make it not so simple to make them congruent to each other but having said that um we're not changing the system and therefore we have to just try to see that they should each be successful where they are and then be able to mesh the two together when the time comes okay every glass and i want to jump on this quickly i'm going to globalize it some quite a few things i want to clap around before we go to closing um i was wondering what robert glassman's opinion is about about boys in middle school detention or other former punishment for being late for chakras my son is approaching middle school and he's sweet smart wonderful boy but he struggles with time management the shiva he's in now is very strict policy in school being on time for shockers and gives attention for lateness i'm worried that he'll be continuously penalized for being late with with possible uh just dysteric destroying this results any advice would be appreciated so basically the question is a boy's a good boy this and that and the shivers gets a very map around a certain thing whether it's a dress code whether a chakras whether it's this and that but the boy's a batsman boy and he'll he he's lagging in this mida whatever it is he likes to wear the sneakers that have the white stripe or he doesn't wear the jacket with the button or he runs always late so what's the mahala with dealing with that nanny vice how to deal with that with the school and with the child so so again most schools will work with the the parents but before we get to the school to work with them right let's think ourselves for a child to learn to be on time it's a wonderful thing it's a responsibility it's a way of showing us to something it's it's important victory belt to do that so why should we give up before we really give a chance and we're ready a year before he had a chance to do it we're already trying to cushion the blow and see how we're gonna help him get out of it time management is a very very important skill that a child needs to learn and therefore for starters is there a bedtime does he go to sleep on time at night um can we make some arrangements to help him get up in the morning can we create some incentives can we do something now i'm not going to say if there are some children that mornings are murdered for them it's true but before that let's make sure that we really tried everything else and didn't jump to that conclusion why are we having rahmanus for him before we gave him a chance to succeed why are we helping him opt out before he had a chance to to um try to make it make do make do there were many children that couldn't get up in the morning when they were in sixth grade and then at seventh where they have to come to chakras it's exciting they go in the morning you make a big deal out of it it's basic and they do it beautifully now in the event that you feel that my child has this issue it's impossible we tried everything and it's not working you just can't get there i think if you go respectively to the menal and say we're trying give me an aids and we work together let's see what we can do usually there will be some level of of of of ability to work to work with it but um [Music] sometimes we're gonna have to look at it and say hey this is the syst this is the way the world comes and sometimes in the world there's no no free rise and you have to just live up to what it is and take what it comes with it and then tell us so you have to stay for the tension you know detentions detention and that's what it is we can't um get alarmed for something which he which is good for him in terms of his lessons even learning in terms of life that you have to take what comes you know what comes my way is also something to help a child be able to understand i think a lot of it will depend on our attitude towards an hour looking to solve it long before we look to get up for it but if it's what if his father gets up late so you should save his attention maybe it's because his banal didn't do it maybe he did do it i don't know which one but um if if it's a family situation which is is often an issue there's some level of you know lacking structures so to speak so that's gonna be part and parcel of this kid's muzzle when it came down to this world that he's gonna have to be in this kind of predicament but um let's try let's let that get up so fast let that protect so fast let's build resilience rather than than give in to um something like that trevor glassman a bunch of questions came in here that are not fair but can i ask them to anyway those are the best ones okay here we go so i don't i don't know what you're gonna answer them but here we go i don't know either good luck okay first one it's very hurtful for a financially struggling parent who applies for high schools for boys or girls they don't seem to return the phone calls or even get accept the child the children from more wealthier families get calls back accepted much faster with much more respect while i have all my relatives who are abundant begging to get me in what can you say about that so so the first question is the first the first part of the answer is why are you setting your mind so much you need to get into that yeshiva and you're creating an elite status that you have to live up to number one number two is from the money angle is a very very smart topic that people have a hard time with but i want you to think about it from the uh the freshman that the owner of the moist is thinking to himself i i need to run a mice i have a big budget if i can't cover my budget i can't have my i can help 100 children i took in my 20 30 children that don't have money and now my voice will be able to continue without it when i'm taking in that fellow that has the money what i'm doing really is i'm giving the ability to the whole 100 students be able to exist they're looking at it because they can't live otherwise they're not taking that money and going on a nice vacation devices aren't rolling in money they're getting it from month to month to be able to make it work so what they're doing is they're keeping themselves alive not that they're respecting the money just for the sake of the money every mindset takes in a significant number of children that are not paying properly no question in the world every single license and every single medicine took their share when their few slots that are left at the end that's when they're going to say look for the money take any class in the older mice just you're not going to find a whole class of rich kids i don't believe it but yes they're going to be those that they take at the end simply because they need that for their survival that's part of the the way that it's going to work now you want to look at yourself so why should my son have to lose because i wasn't a big wheel because marco didn't give me that money part of the reason of the spirocles plan in your life and the child's life is that he should be and in a family that's not that high roller and don't get me wrong having money is not always such a raja and plenty of the kids that come for families that have money have to suffer with many other issues that come along with having money so therefore it's a package deal to look down at the yeshiva you have to understand where they're coming from um the and and i think that if a person doesn't get into a place he has to look at it that's a similar shaman who doesn't belong there it's not the money that kept them out it's their buddy someone kept him out and let's keep going back to that let's not create this this this environment and if i don't get what i want and don't do what i want then everything is going to end up in the worst way shape or form you don't know what's good for you we don't know which achieve is good for my child if my child doesn't get into a certain yeshiva after benjamin will borrow hashem he didn't go to the wrong place because he didn't get in there that's not the place he belongs okay here we go next one you ready oh why is that the mainstream yeshiva still don't see these sheets like water bearing and others which are struggling for teens and getting for struggling teens and getting more and more packed and crowded and their yeshivas which are for the mainstream boys are struggling to keep boys under yeshiva is yiddish only meant for mainstream boys are all others not cared about and fall through the cracks they have made to feel as their outcasts and don't have a place on our religion how has this come to be how has the system failed for so many of our youth this is not to tear away i always learned towards talmud who didn't understand anything 400 times this is not really described by any standards teaching by example is not only about learning the material non-stop and nothing else counts how about showing youth how to treat others especially young kids by example and not being tough and threatening them all the time so they have the tools to navigate very confusing and scary world out there i'm not a mechanic of course just a parent who has gone through this system and sees how a boy who struggles in learning was treated and how much more can turn off a boy especially when there's so many more temptations out there in the world the last said it wasn't just a question it was a i think that was somebody's life story which and you can hear the pain and the tears dripping from that letter it's it's a very very unfortunate feeling and phenomenon with something that happens and as painful as this to watch something like that happens i don't think that that is something which is the shita or the the the ideology or the the goal of any mice no one is looking to send kids khalil in the wrong direction the the question on how to run a school or have to run a yeshiva where there are boys who need a waterberry style yeshiva in a regular mainstream yeshiva is very very difficult i'd like to ask how many people and now don't don't don't don't wait waterbury is a wonderful place the people that run waterbury asadiki i know them i know many many many wonderful stories and many boys that have gone there michaelis river chaos is one of the biggest yes yes yes there's no questioning that's not the show a lot of people wonder they're doing wonderful work but if we were running yeshiva the regular mainstream yeshiva the way we're dealing with it's run for boys that need that type of special then you're going to be hurting all the other boys that don't need that type of issue meaning to say is that now the only way you can have a stronger taina is if there's a boy who's a good regular good kid but he just can't academically achieve and he gets smashed because of his lack of academics which is no fault of his own that's even more painful but in general a lot of the children are not ready to to to go through a regular ishida system because the yeshiva system which is by definition the word system means you're working with a certain average or a certain direction system means automatically that many people almost everybody is going to get hurt because let's say most people are from zero to a hundred and you you make the system let's say between 60 and 80. so all those that are below 60 are getting hurt or those that above 80 are getting hurt that's just the fact that we spoke before so a system by definition means that people are going to get hurt not to have a system many more people get hurt the system that we have aspires to be a loving and caring system no rebbe will tell you i don't love and care for my tummy it doesn't exist they they will tell you that they can't tolerate someone that's going to undermine them they can't tolerate someone who's who can't possibly go along with the program they can't tolerate something which is going to bring the other boys down and i'll say more than that let's say a parent is a good boy when i say good i mean academically advanced and he's looking for yeshiva and he walks into yeshiva he looks into the classroom and there's one boy walking around the back and there's a little boy that's sleeping there's another boy playing with some kind of a gadget and turns to the redmi this is your class says yes so then where's the discipline this boy's walking that place head down will you tell well this boy's walking his adhd with his head down he's going through a little bit of hard time at home the boy that's that's playing with his gadgets um he's overly bright so therefore he doesn't give me his attention what chances are that you're sending your child you're attending your strong child and that you shave up i'm telling you that a parent that sees that walks away it's in somewhere else no one will send their child that's it emily advanced to waterberry even though you want the yiddish kite and you want everything else that they're giving there which is tremendous the answer is because to be able to supply the needs of the the the the the the one like i said before who has the child that wants to send the board to this yeshiva was the advanced child we need to create some kind of a system otherwise it's going to everything will fall apart to teach harvest israel absolutely there's no question in the world that's that's the goal and that's the dream of everybody that some end up falling out it's very very painful and and and and definitely these shoes have to try to be as sensitive as possible and there's a lot of talk about this and they're obeying them definitely try to go as much as they can i think when we notice that it's not happening it's when they feel that it's it's undermining either because it's gonna have a bad impact on other children or it's going to have an impact on the whole moisture which can come down together so the pain that's there is tremendous if there's a specific remedy that hurt a specific child that's that's that's very painful if there's a child that couldn't get into any yeshiva because that he ended up slipping off that's a terrible terrible feeling but i think that today there are more and more wasters that are opening to try to be able to supply for those children and um part of the xaire is that that's what's going to happen yeah there's another question there's another follow-up on this what can we do to give off our children the love of yiddish guide even if they're struggling at school and learning what can we do if they're just not gonna what can we do just to give them that that yummy warm feeling even though the same thing that you do for the boy who's doing well in the shiva it does the difference if we give off that yiddish guy is everything to us and and and we we we live our year distract those are messages that a child gets through um through culture he doesn't get those messages by being taught it's something that he that go into him automatically and giving over yiddish is is something that has to be um learned from modeling learn from experience and um there's plenty that the yeshiva offers about yiddish fight also that we have to make a big asic out of and if we make a big deal out of it the children get that get that feeling that meaning i will say that what the person probably means to ask is that if he's not in the top yeshiva so to speak where there's so much learning going on so he's going to be with other children who are not learning so strongly who are academically challenged and it's more likely for children to academically challenge to end up you know with the technology stuff and the other exploration of the rest of the world and then he gets drawn along with that and then the yiddish guy ends up getting tainted and and dulled because of that that's a real real issue that's a real issue that i don't think we really have a good solution for that is a real issue why would they grab a glass and everything okay last live question tonight we got one more and then we'll go to closing go you're on you hear me loud and clear yeah okay so i'm married for a short while and i went to what's considered an open-minded high school and a seminary that's considered more right-wing one second one second slow down slow slow start again sorry um so i went to open-minded high school in a seminar that's considered more right-wing and whether the teachers were far removed from reality or delusional is not my call to make but i definitely heard some fanatic statements throughout the year whether teachers saying that certain things are us or that totally aren't or you know bringing merely hashgraphic conversations into halacha um as the product of like you know judgmentalism and superficiality for example a certain length states a little certain type of shades all wearing a hat and jacket not wearing head and jacket what type of boys are like you know the ideal boy still be looking for you know when to shut off um whatever boys from you know then they're not um certain styles or music that are very much ruach torah and not things that should be taught as black and white and i'm lucky that i was able to filter out and take the best of what i heard to become the person i wanted and the reaction i got at home wasn't you know what i think is ideal i got attacked by parents i got attacked by peers um as you know being brainwashed being fanatic etc um but because i'm not the only person who experienced this there's obviously many teachers who say things that you know i as a parent wouldn't want wouldn't know how to react if my child came home because i'm not someone who wants to you know undermine authority and you know make a very big clear um you know ready student teacher student disconnect and make like you know i don't respect the rebbe and the kid you know gets ends up being confused my question is what's the appropriate response as a parent who wants to maintain the teacher to student respect while teaching their child to challenge things that don't make sense to them and be respectful for that growing person you know like certain things like yeah my teacher said that this is us sir so why why do we do it or or why why do you wear this if it's just it's us totally not and the focus is just you know off so in general for the last one can you clarify the question for everybody because i'm having a hard time do you clarify i think the question is if i got it right you'll tell me is that a lot of times especially in seminary the the messages are given over in somewhat of an extreme format and um it was listed as fanatical statements or mixing with adding judgmentalism to it and then the child comes home to to their house and they see hey my parents aren't really doing what my teacher said is is adamant basics and the parents say well we go with a different sheet just so to speak and we're we're comfortable where we are and um at the same time we want to say that your teachers make up stories is that right did i repeat the question correctly okay so so i think in general when it comes to these areas um everybody judges draws their own lines so to speak we think that anybody who's more firm than me that's my sugar from that's like fanatic that's uh that's too much anybody who's less than me no that's bummy that's that's not where i that's how it should be and everybody draws their lines so the teacher draws their lines somewhere the seminar draws their lines somewhere and the the you know parents of different backgrounds and different places in life at that time would draw their lines differently ultimately most children hear what they hear in school and most parents don't mind if their children want to be better than they are if it's for good reason meaning we understand that there are is is uh the examples you gave there's a shade to let a certain length and a shade with a different length they're a bundle of given speeches and rushes about shape shapeless lengths and they definitely encouraged a shorter length rather than a larger length so if someone is going to say that we hold the longer length is better you're not saying that it's better you're saying you don't want to aspire to that level because you look at that level as something extreme somebody else doesn't look at that level of something extreme so the question is do we have to dictate to our children that they have to stay at the level that we chose for ourselves or do we allow them choices like we said before that they can choose on their own for what they want so i think in general we have to talk about what they teach about in school as respectful we have to talk about it as various levels and everybody is going to pick a level for themselves and we can say that we pick the level that fits for us and allow our children to pick a level that's going to work for them um i don't think we have to be afraid that our children be better than we are i think ultimately no one will be very happy however if you feel that your child is choosing something above your level or above her own level and she's going to regret it in a short amount of time or she's not going to live up to it and because of that it's going to backfire so at that point i think you want to encourage them either to discuss it with somebody whether it's from school or you want to tell them to take it slowly and to recognize it as a level and not something that has to be jumped to in one second but something they can they can aspire to get up to that point but if it's coming from a healthy perspective and it's it's comfortable that's their decision i don't think we should stifle our children to say that they can't be better than we is that are okay we'll go to the last question over here there's somebody something um that they personally suffered from was that one of the kids went to a specific school they had to go to that school and then my first daughter went to a great high school it was good for her but my second daughter was smarter and we wanted to send her to a different high school they refused to take her since her older sister was in the other school at the same time the girl from the same grade which failed most of the classes was accepted just because her sister her older sister was in that school so the question is who made up this concept and how can we help schools realize that each student is an individual and not take it as a family just because your sister came to this school so we'll accept your next sister but if your sister didn't come so we're not accepting the next sister i i i'll be honest i didn't hear this rule exactly and i'm not sure the reason why the schools do that is it from a financial perspective like uh you have to be part of i'm not sure i'm not sure i don't answer the question because i don't know the question is in certain places i'm not going to say names yeah demand of schools the way the school system is set up is that if you're in the school your siblings are accepted in school if you're not not so could be a child that really belongs in a much better school won't get into school because you already belong to that school a but what what but why don't you want to send you if the school was nice enough to take your child that was weaker why don't you want to send them your strong maturity let me understand because not only stronger students the better some schools are just better for certain kids and sometimes they're not they have one kid that's struggling and needs to so again again i'm not sure who made the rule i'm not sure what the reason behind the rule is it's a little bit hard for me to answer but i imagine that there's there's some judgment to it in the in maybe from financial perspective way or whatever it is but i don't think that we have to be the part that bothers me from the question is the fact that somebody else got in as a problem good for them like like like why do we have to look at this as as as a status piece how much of a difference does it really make as to which school you go to all schools are good and that we're told that it's within range and they're they're they're giving over good stuff and so on and so forth so she'll turn out just fine in the other school as well and the fact that other children got in there that didn't deserve it it's good for them but maybe now that schools are weaker schools they took the weaker students in so what's the problem i don't think we should turn schools into into value that was my i made it or didn't make it should depend on my school it depends on who i am okay let's do one more question then we'll go to closing i want to get into this question how can the schools be more equipped with suggesting to us to get proper help and guidance for a child who's struggling the mainstream before it's too late what what advice creative glasses i guess for them the schools right some schools are very there are schools most of the most principles when they have to make a phone call to a parent and tell them that your child needs help they do it with trepidation because they're ready for the parent to tell them my kids all the yes he was doing fine they used to ready to hear that it's going to be thrown back on them and therefore they're hesitant to say that there's a problem very often simply because they don't want their own backlash because it's going to reflect badly on them that they weren't able to be behind the students if we give the school the understanding i see my child i see he's struggling i see he has this issue i'm here to help can you just give me a real honest evaluation of what's going on in school so that i could i could be able to to help him i think um you'll get you'll get response like we asked before who's the one that's responsible the parent the child or the school and this in this aspect when the child needs help the one who's most responsible is the parent the child you can't blame because he's the one that needs the help the school you can't blame because that's how many children they have to deal with the parent is the one that takes that that takes in because he's got his only few children doesn't have a few hundred at the school and at that point when you notice your child is struggling be proactive go into this shiva tell the rebbe tell them i see my child has a problem i know something to do with you it's my problem i'm taking the ownership of the problem i'm here to solve the problem tell me what is it about that you see and what is it that i can do that could be helpful murray dick robert glassman tonight share was off the charts tremendous feedback okay let's go to closing and uh whenever we have we're gonna have a surprise well yeah i'm sorry for all the people the questions we didn't get done why we have a glass when we'll come back every single sunday and answer your questions no problem so uh sorry for all the people that we can get to okay let's go to closing and we have one surprise person wants to say a story and then we'll uh go to there first of all go subscribe right before i'm glassing coming out tonight giving some physics device posture i love the way you took the whole anglings and also explaining the moisture side and that you know how it looks i thought it was a tremendous eye-opening thing um again tonight from have been anastasia for success and every endeavor breakfast layman health for shendul sara basmir mirka again if anybody wants to join the what's up uh the the the flyers every week just text me at eight four eight five two five zero zero six six save my number and um i'll send you the fly every sunday again the first the if anybody would say the first time every sunday night at 9 30. we have another murray cashier with either a therapist something murderic um next time they mention we're going to have the torso frisky brothers gonna be amazing sheer the one first of all hopefully much from everybody yankee turkey from muncie and mordechai from london hopefully we get them together two twisters in the room uh i hope to hope zoom can handle it it should be pretty amazing we're gonna talk about bringing warmth and love back into the sky for our children and giving them it should be an amazing program and powerful so please everybody come and join and uh tonight's share is going to be all on monaco brentford's website at from burnfield.com if you have any questions at all please send it to coach monaco gmail.com we'll forward to rebecca glassman any questions for him that's true hopefully it's time to respond to some of them tonight's share is sheer number 80. we're up to 80. um if anyone wants to listen to it on the phone it'll be available tomorrow on our personal phone line on our special phone line eight seven seven seven grow g-r-o-w aggressive liquid scoop thank you to rabia and zach special thank you to kylo calf and schmoon summer from jcn and from always promoting us on all the digital platforms also to the coach monaco is collaborating with okay clarity to bring greater health and wellness to the jewish community around the globe okay clarity is the online platform for mental health support and jewish community okay clarity.com you can find the best therapists coaches nutritionists engage in forms and stay inspired links will be emailed after this year we're first going to hear closing words from coach monachem and then we're going to hear from our behind-the-scenes director arne fried who runs the whole show from from from underground in the tunnel he's going to give a little closing statement and they're at the glasgow okay thank you thank you very much happy glassman and uh i'm sure many can take take away practical things and one thing that i'm i'm thinking about is the open communication is whether it's the parents with the mostest and the relationship with you and your child obviously if you have to start when they're struggling it can be a little harder but the the open communication the open relationship that you have with your child and the the most important one is the open communication with yourself the self-awareness of what's going on inside of yourself when these struggles come up and how you take it and your approach how you're going to talk to the voices what what you do like what you don't like and sometimes you have the things that you wouldn't want to do but it's better for the child which is very important and the last thing is every day you get up in the morning you have to stay at phila and darwin and david because without that seattle ishmael like we heard everything is everything is from hashem and whichever school he goes through and whatever happens we're only doing our estados so to keep on dabbing and with the shame we should be able to see naka um easy in an easy way not to go through uh these struggles i know you're afraid let's hear let's go come closing freed i'm it okay do you hear me yes we do let's go all right several years ago before i sent my oldest son to messifta since i was in the minsk at almost i went to speak to no minsk and before i went to speak to him i had a whole reshima whole list of various yeshivas that i looked into i live in lakewood so hashem alaikum i had a number of mercifuls that you had in mind for my son with different mindless different characters which i thought about the various massiveness i went into the rebels and i started discussing with them the different names of the mesiftis and different violence and different cernus but the and i was sure the devil was going to guide me which which was sifter my son should go to but not but the rabbit instead stopped me in my tracks and he told me you're getting carried away he said let me tell you a clown i'm a sifter which could be the best in the sifter for a certain bachra could be the worst in the sister for a different bachelor and the messifta which is the worst the sifter for sitting to be the best of her for november so i stood there and said okay i understand which messenger should i send my son to he said which means sister you should send your son to do yourself a favor and go right now to this radish and stay a few kapitar tillam and have them mind that the ambition should guard you that your son should go to the right in the sifting which evidence 50 is going to go to he's going to be mad at hashem so i did as you told me i went into this radish and i said which take away the next day a neighbor of mine called me up and directed me to certainly which i didn't think about beforehand and barakasha my son wow it's a beautiful story okay we have a glassman please leave us with leave us you know to go with such such a powerful topic tonight that was so beautiful let's leave it with a with a positive note okay so ultimately back to where we started we said that in order to be able to be successful in this endeavor we need to be able to deal with the pain and suit it so that we get our cycle back so we get our ability to see straight to things straight and to be able to act accordingly especially at a time and place where we need our our sharpest minds to be able to know what to do with these very very very intricate difficult situations so ultimately we have to realize that everything is by sharing children that are born into a system in is bashert when we don't choose something we have to realize that we're not guilty if my child was born with difficult academic challenges living in a certain neighborhood where only elite can get into certain places and because of that he wasn't he wasn't so much that's part of what was destined for him before he came down to this world it was destined to how much her way and how tall he'll be and how much how much success we'll have in his business one day and this is part of it i hate it sarah we have to look at it that's the decision we were given we weren't given a child that's going to be easy we look at other people that have easy children that's what they came down to this world for some people have money some people have children some people should know something about everything everybody everybody has to struggle with something no one can hold your child back from hazard not that if you don't have money didn't get in somewhere not if because i mean he's weak academically if a child gets lost from the system we have to understand that that was xero that was put onto him before he came down to this world obviously is that an excuse for the halal because they have to do their christ i'll show you right we find this in hassan but it's it's something we have to understand something we did it's not something that was done to him this is part of what what's the xero that was when somebody came down here there's a mitsubishi that a person has to put a maca has to put a fence a gate around his roof and the turret says the reason for it is because somebody else may walk up to the roof and he'll fall down and die now what does a person think if i didn't put a mica up i didn't put a gate around my my roof and somebody walked off the roof and died i would look at myself as being responsible the turret doesn't say that victoria says the faller will fall and rashi explains you should know that whoever fell was meant to fall the last of the murderers he's meant to focus his vibrations it didn't he wasn't meant to fall from where i did it so what's the taina to me the title to me is why did you not put up a gate not why did you kill the person the person was supposed to die it's your fault that it came through you i think if we look at it understanding as follows what this child went through he had to go through he had to end up wherever he ended up he had to go through and be whatever he is the suffering that comes along with it that's part of the seriousness that we have today if he has the hardness science the emotional health that we deal with the weaknesses the shallowness everything we discussed that's all part of the study that he was given this is the picture of what is the mashika looks like don't minimize the success that's out there it's true the citizens and the system has a lot of problems but hashem they're about the mid russian that are full knocking away they're yeshivas that the boys are learning non-stop they're kylo and they're doing unbelievable they're about to they're taking on new initiatives and learning and old mushroom there's so much coming on going out all that is a product of the system also the parts that are not is the hester upon him that kashbar who put at this time that we live in let's not be fools to think we can change the system let's not relieve ourselves by bashing the system let's not get upset and lose our cycle by being angry at the system let's learn how to navigate through the system with as much happiness as much creativity as much as davos that we can do and mainly with the feeler on ashir which is the real and the only gestalts that we can do to make sure that we're doing we're not ruining it and we're down on this barracuda to help us make the best the last one give everybody a breakfast for for raising the children abroad if you came on to this show tonight it's because you care about your children and if you care about your children then that itself shows that the devotion shows you're looking for answers this wasn't entertainment this was um i guess introspection and thought and so on maybe she hoping that the established and the russ that we have and that feels that we make should should be the wrong side and have in mind not just for your own children with the gun stolen so you're done with somebody else then you name it i mean everybody pleasure sunday night november 21st it's robert whiskey here bianco care