You Don’t Always Have To Ask The Question With Rabbi Zecharya Greenwald PART 2 (Ep. 251)

hi this is De olowski welcome to the r olowski show whether you're watching with our friends over at tour any time wherever you watch or listen to your podcast as always we're happy to have you along for the experience and uh I'm happy to present to you now the second part of my conversation with re Zakaria Greenwald about the mat dealing with balich Chua and his book that he wrote on the topic and things going on in society and this is sponsored anonymously as Aus for the hostages soldiers and all of is as my father used to say from your mouth the God's ears and it should be Aus for everybody all the Torah that we learn and all the good things that we do and as always uh thank you to all of our sponsors and uh to all of the future sponsors who I'm looking look forward to sending in their sponsorships so that we can continue doing the good work that we do and now the second part of my interview with r gedal now it's a trism I don't know if it's true but it's a trism that um a lot of the of the Der kids are coming from families that are balicha it's true yeah it is unfortunately true um and and if you why is that because anyone that goes to a different Society it's it's also true about Americans coming to Israel it's true about Israelis going to America it's true about anyone that is making major changes in their life and raising children in a world that's foreign to them is going to have these challenges because I don't know how to direct I don't know how like you said I don't know how to direct my kids I don't know how help them through the system I don't know how to deal with the things that I don't understand that I don't accept in the system how am I supposed to help my child integrate into is aot of it is it that the parents are projecting their own insecurities onto their children often that's definitely a part of it which is why I speak so much about the need to learn and to recognize the importance of integration is learning to integrate I when I move to ER my my wife is Israeli when I move to or when I decided I said I'm I'm going to speak Hebrew like an Israeli doesn't always help me there are those that can pick it up right away but for most people I said I have to figure this out I have to figure it out cuz I don't want my kids to be embarrassed every time I didn't realize that they were going to be embarrassed by other things they by by the fact that they could that they call me tati because I called my father tati because in America that was normal and here tati is weird only and my kids are not so my par my kids would call and when I would call them in school they would do everything they can to make make sure I didn't say the word tati you know it's there are other things Myaka is I didn't even know that Myaka was different than everyone around me because I don't see I don't see those things but um I I'm wearing regular American cloa and Israelis all wear velvet sure and I didn't realize that I was a I I was an anomaly until my kids after some of my kids were married they said to me that why are you wearing that I said what do you mean I'm wearing I don't know this the Al I'm wearing since I'm born more or less you and that night went to I went to sh and I looked around there was only one other guy with Y like and he was an American an older American Rabbi everybody else is wearing well we I tried but I I sweat easily I can't whatever I m the wine box said to me once one of my kids was having a hard time this you tried to raise an American family in Israel it doesn't work I said you didn't he says no we only speak Hebrew in my house they never heard English my kids are like all Israelis they hate Americans they tolerate me said that's I had a student once he says to me he goes I know if you wear a black velvet yamaka you're a and I know if you wear a knitted yamaka you Missi but what does it mean when you wear a leather yamaka I said you're an American right there's no they don't you don't come with that same you know things when I came to Israel so I mean my oldest was five so she went to school at four she went to the nursery program at the Hartman why in Far Rockway I'm a little teapot short like there was no has questions so I came here I didn't know anything about the system I didn't know anything I was an American I I didn't know anything about yeshivas you know so uh I check out the Bas yakob I said whoa that's pretty intense I went to the mamad I was like oh that's Hank I recognized that that I'm not going there it's too much you know so once I made that decision that was it first of all half the people in my building stopped talking to me you know who wanted me to go to the mad and after that they told me now I knew what I read and where I ate and which what I did all all the other decisions were made for me because there were things in society that you just you don't know I mean you're an American you come here you're you're a I I you know one of the things one of the feedbacks that I got from I gave the book to about 30 people to read I wanted peer reviews and I gave it mostly to balicha people who work at balicha or people who are both right and I gave it out to 30 people the manuscript over the years um the manuscript went to three different iterations the the the final one doesn't look I mean the outline is the same but everything is different um some very very extremely intelligent good friends who are both Bal um were very disturbed that I wrote We and I I wrote I wrote the book first of all I wrote many stories that were not bichua stories and they said no Bal chuu is a unique experience and you can't use other Bal chuu said this yeah you can't use other stories to bring out that point I disagreed with them but but I understood the the depth of their sense of the uniqueness of the Bal Chua experience so even though I felt that I was um I was in a sense in a sense I'm a balua in a sense and I definitely understand the world and I'm a part of it and I lived it and um actually one one one thing that validated me was when I first gave I started this by giving classes upstairs in this house by by yanii and and SD y yarmish they were their house was open and um Mrs orwick said that she wants someone to give a shum on for balich Chua so we had 10 couples that came and it started in the house that now I I I live in this house now but that's where it it started the this year and another I think it was my brother or sister-in-law someone came back from a wedding and said oh you're name was discussed at the at the table I said really what was the discussion they said we're going to this class by a rabbi who's a b Chua and it's it's so good and they they were loving it so somebody said what's his name he said Rabbi Zari Greenwald so my relative said he's not a Chua he said no no no he is he said no no he's not I I know him for right he's not he says there's no way because he he he understands no no he is so that validated me that I I do that I get it at the same time I out of respect I pull back and I didn't and I I made changes in the book and I had to use from a bigger variety of resources that I have of stories and I often uh some stories are compilations of a few stories together but they're all real stories um and uh I made a change in the book that I I'm not happy with there's one thing I'm not happy with and that is I never speak to people you I always speak to people we right why is that a problem because I couldn't write we in the book why my editors didn't allow it it's not we you're not a b Chua you know this famous story with the G rabba you don't know it guy comes he comes to ask shil and he says uh don't get me wrong I'm not about Chua he says why not I bring that story you know who that was yeah remember fryan green bam errey oh that's who it was remember fryan green Bal went to the gbba about the tlma that he was writing for his father for his grandfather and um he said to him what do you do he says I'm but I'm not abouta and he looked at him and said why not why are you abouta this was the basis yeah um I don't I don't remember I think so I don't but that's supposedly he said the gates of gula opened in 1948 and we didn't take advantage only the zionists did now the gates of chuva have opened and we're not taking advantage only the Bal Chua only the F so the way I heard it from revola was that one of the maybe was the G rebba said that there are two Mitzvah that the from people left to the fry to the non-religious people and that's erish and chuva the only people that yeah so that yeah that's definitely a part of the but there you know the reason I disagree is because there are certain things that is that all human beings have in common I agree and that's when I talk to people who are not from who are not Jewish I have plenty of commonality that I can speak to them about because things about worrying about your marriage and worrying about your kids worrying about your parosa and worrying about your your your meaning in life and these are Universal things and it doesn't matter whether I took the story from a family or I took the story from a baluba or from a go the the the message Remains the Same that everyone has to wake up in the morning you know and and face face life I agree with you a th% and I I continue I continue to teach lecture and speak that way and when I go to speak to groups of people about you I always speak with the wi and the book it was I was out I gave in maybe because I worked on it maybe because I worked on it for years changed the cover of one of your books because you weren't happy with the picture they put up right the first book that's the book The they put for Success an androgynous picture of a child and you were like no no no they thought it was so clever you could think it's a boy you think it's a girl go no no no right that was uh so uh well wow you're starting to get old and mellow no I worked on this book for 17 years wow 17 years and it's um by the end I was more or less I was every every all the people gave all the people that that read it said to me why isn't it out why isn't out people need this book people need to read it it has to go out so I in the end I just didn't argue about a lot some of the editorial things and even Mosaic apress are phenomenal they are absolutely beautiful they they really worked with me very very nicely whatever this was one thing that had been said once before and it was repeated again and I just made and my my editor I is was also a BAL Chua so and end up I acquiesced on that point and it's the only thing I regret in the book that I really would turn to everybody and say everything in the we and um that's not the way it came out but wow if if there's a second printing maybe we'll make a change okay so now at 20 years is there a point where you're not aver anymore you stop at 20 years my my my there's a very bad joke that says you know he's not about you when he starts talking during during you know who who said this there was this I'm afraid comedian I'm trying to remember his name he was on Satay Night Live and he had experience there and uh he used to do a routine about becoming Bal Chua very funny routine you know say I come in Friday night to the synagogue and you know I'm feeling a little strange and suddenly everybody turns around and Bows to me I was like wow I what a way to make somebody feel welcome you know had a whole routine you know anyway a couple years later he had a followup you know routine new show and he was like I'm happy to announce I'm no longer B Chua I talk during daving okay so I I I would like to say that when you can cry on tiab then you're no longer aboutcha M but I can't even say that anymore because how many from people today people ffbs just can't are not connecting it's just so hard so um but yeah I would I would definitely want to say that when the opposite I tell you B Chua their emotion is is closer to the surface part of becoming from is you especially today you have to have a certain cynical Edge to you right you know very left one said you know in the Yeshiva World who's the biggest guy one who can everybody and everybody every God everything then your M the biggest guy in the world you know because that's what it is there's a certain cynicism I I remember every left I was there once on Tish and he was telling a story absolutely horrific story and this one person just starts sobbing like uncontrollably sobbing he was abouta and everyone's looking at him like could you stop we can't hear the rabbi it's like TI he's telling this unbelievably moving story and they're annoyed of this B who's crying you know on the other hand I I tell the story to my students that I had an aunt Tanta Hannah Tanta Hannah left Europe when she was 12 years old she was born in America went back when her mother passed away was raised by aunts and uncles or something in Hungary at 12 years old she came back by herself she went through the sweat shops she she she went she three married three marriages no children really hard hard hard life she could curse in seven languages but she didn't read Hebrew but she didn't read Hebrew she she was a but she Hada and that we one day I'm walking backa we're walking back from sh and she's holding theas that are beaten she's holding them and she's crying the whole way just give me a give me a good pit of Life give me a life I'm 15 years old maybe 16 and I'm standing next to her and I'm saying to what's her problem what's her problem and all of a sudden it hit me she's Jewish and I'm a guy I'm a from gu but she's she's Jewish she knows what a sharaba is and I don't I learn gorah but I'm not connected right this lady she left when she was 12 years old and she left because she was miserable and she was looking for a good life and she lived here for 60 years after that 70 years after that and she's still crying on shaba from what she what she nursed what she grew up with and and we don't have that now you know this not everybody knows this not everyone is B kirv yes I know yes in fact years ago when I was running ncsy I was shabas meal bya you know RAM and Yeshiva and his wife said what do we need these bicha they just mess up theas and somebody said to me another from person goes I don't know we need all these balua as it is we don't have spots in the school for our children we can't find parking we can't that we need more Jews that that that's that's a kind of cynicism and and and evil you can find it you can find so I was assassa and this is the question that people ask in a different form and MTI Burger was there for and someone said why are we spending all this money on balich Chua he says our own kids need help our own kids we don't we have to build our own institutions and take care of our own kids and there's so many of them falling through what do we have to go over Reach Out Bal Chua for and he gave an answer which was unbelievable he said we need someone who still believes in this we don't believe in it anymore you know what I mean so when you find about Chu is like oh my gosh this guy really believes it like at at the sad story he'll cry yeah but but if if you go to to to to the vast vast vast yiva World there are tens of thousands of people who really believe it who are not probably who who have it because a Dom it's no it's it's it's in their it's in their blood and it's in their bloodstream and it's in there thoughts and and M we have a very very beautiful beautiful form world with all of the problems there's so much good and there's so much that that's real I says take away our La Evan and give us a la BOS right says we need a b how do you get how do you get through all the suffering with a with a regular heart you would die that's right and that's what killed R Bulman I was convinced of it R Bulman he would he just he took everything right in the heart he was just he you he would start to talk and he would start to cry and he would hear a story and he would start to cry it was just you can't you can't you know that that's the hard world was the same you know yeah so that's why uh he says if you haven't got a stone heart how you going to get through everything that's why we ask for at the end of days when mashia comes hem says now I can take away now I take it away now I can take away the heart I don't think we're there yet Stone I don't know I I hope we're really close you know balich Chua take it take it very like for real this is like for real for them you know um do you ever see the letter it was the copy of the speech by the fellow who was uh it was at Lincoln Square synagogue had a beginner's minion for people didn't know anything right and they had a graduation and this fellow speaks you know he says I'm going to interrupt this you know this party of self agulation how wonderful you all are he says I'm an ffb let me tell you what we think of you we don't like you and I'll tell you why he says Rabbi bual comes up to me and says can I take a couple of his beginners home for Friday night since he asked me in front of them I have no choice you know he says usually I go in the elevator and I wait for someone to push it they said oh no no right bald says you shouldn't do that sure right bwal lives on the second floor I live on the 12th fine we walk up 12 floors you know says my idea of a Friday night is to eat quickly and get into bed as quickly as possible these people all want to make their own kidish at three words a minute and then they all want to sing zirus every zmer in the book and then they they want to say sh three times because that's how every bwal does it and then they want to say d Torah every DV Torah they ever heard and he goes on and on like this he says now you see why we don't like you he says because we you force us to ask ourselves could we give up everything in our lives turn that back on our family in our life and change it all around for the truth beautiful we don't like the answer beautiful beautiful beautiful but it's it's so beautiful so threaten much threatening you for some people it's threatening yes because for some people it's threatening and then like for for others for those Builders who are marar and for those Builders who are out there doing it the real the the big people that are out there doing things it's not it's not threatening to them this is what they're they're trying to bring them towards because that's where they're that's where they're from with the Chua movement having been around 50 years with the exception of your mother right so what percentage of the from world are balich Chua if you had to guesstimate I would say 20 to 20 20% I think it's more like 40% maybe 25 because a lot of people were from because they went through the day school movement and when they came into the day school movement they were not including if you're including the children whose parents sent them to day schools when I went to when I went to they're not B okay that's why know from kids in the school and they all came from conservative that I would say 70 or 80% and because when the the day school movement in America started 90% of the kids were not sh shabas when the bako school started in America you if you were well we begged people to come just come I don't care if you keep shot just come now we look at everybody with a magnifying glass but we didn't do that in the in the F in the early days so if you want to include that I would say yes probably 60% is is so such a strange thing so we're talking about Bali Chua when in fact that's the majority of the firm Community yeah but but everyone's hiding well no I I think that that that a kid that went to day school and was went from first grade to to Yeshiva I wouldn't I wouldn't call him a b he's not he's not experiencing everything the same way my family was not sham shabis they sent me to Hank and I ignored everything until eth grade because it was all in Hebrew and I didn't know what they were saying it usually had nothing to do with me you know we we would do whatever we wanted and then eth grade I Reby was maky me and I became from but I was the minority in this in the school the majority of people never became from you know what I mean I don't know they did afterwards but I went to terus okay right which was three times the size and and and like I said there were maybe two other kids in the class whose parents with bichua who one parent was bachua right I remember who they were everybody else their parents were again I whatever level of of religiosity but they were from people they were shabas that was unusual that was no I'm saying in the from world was but in majority of of the the day school majority majority of people are from today came through the day schools yes and the majority went to day schools we from tus Ms I'm not including in the day school that was a Yeshiva but but but yeah I know but but there were 12 of those schools in in New York when I was growing up there was Stalin there was Carin and there was there was I I can't remember now the all the names of the but there were there were at least 10 other yeshivas like that we weren't we weren't the only ter Comm was not the the only yiva Samer and and and then there was a place on 13th Avenue I remember wear some of the school maybe there were there were a lot of other Yas and and they were a majority so there were again in when we when we to when I'm referring to balich Chua in this book I'm referring to people who became from at later stage in life right who made decisions definitely differ to become from someone who left something to become kid went to a day school and had turned them on right that's one thing comes comes to Judaism in a different way than who 18 years old 19 years old 20 years old and is actually leaving family friends Society girlfriends Etc and and changing their life that's that's extraordinary that's extraordinary there's no there's no words to describe the Beauty and the intensity and the the the the the the it's it's it's it leaves me spechless Time After Time After Time because these people really like like you said how many of us would would know that I would take everything and change my life inside out and upside down when I find the truth and that's a very I speak Friday night at a Bas Yakov uh yeah I wouldn't say as good as Mo I don't know if any place is as good as Mo but it was a a very respectable Bas Yakov and I said over an idea that I said if you are from Jew because you were born from Jew then what you're basically saying is if I was born Christian I'd be Christian if I was born Muslim I'd be Muslim I happen to have been born if from that's why I'm from Jew okay that was at the suda at the end of the suda two-third of the girls pull over their chairs and they say you're right I'm a I'm a from Jew because I was born a from Jew and if I was born a Christian I'd probably be a Christian actually and I and I say this to my girl think about I said to my I said to my girls all the time I said excuse me and some people will like this some people will absolutely not like what I'm saying but I said you know what does ffb stand for I said you all going to tell says from from birth it could also be false from birth fake from birth fearful from birth facade from birth it doesn't have to be from from birth it depends if you've connected if you've if you own it then it's yours but if you don't own it then it's time to start thinking about what you're doing and start owning your life because if you don't own your life then then it's not yours you have to own it you have to take something on yourself one of my popular Expressions is everybody does what everyone does cuz that's what everybody does and if you ask the average from person why you do it you know so I was teaching in a seminary and I taught the girls how to think which is a dangerous thing in this Society especially if they have to go so the guy with a boy he says I I want to learn long term and they said why like cuz everybody learns long term that that's what I don't understand the question go well do you plan on learning for the rest of your life do you plan on becoming rash Shiva do you plan on learning for a couple of years then going to college getting a Jama what's your plan and they couldn't answer it they just know you say I'm going to learn long term because if somebody had a re then he would answer the question yeah and there are thousands of boys that know how to answer that there are boys that don't know how to answer the question a lot of people don't ask questions but there are many there are many people that know how to answer that question you know there my boys that are learning made those decisions that they're learning the ones that are not not not bad against for against just that decision is a decision and but my is unusual no not my that's true not only my children I'm talking about my children's friends my my children's friends who were going to goodas that went to to to they they had M that opened up their brains that opened up their minds that that made them think and they gave them thing again did everybody connect to that no and one of the percentages I don't know the percentages but I do know that there are thousands and thousands of of jungite that are out there learning because they made that decision not because everybody else is doing it they made that decision are there some who are doing it because that's what everybody else is doing absolutely but there's a very very big fir world out there of people that are dedicated and inspired and really working on themselves and their MOS and their hasem but but look at the amount of of of of of that are coming out now and and in perim and cabala and and in and and but really really Advanced farm that that people are buying and learning I want to be you when I grow up you have such a positive outlook to life I'm the average i' i' I grew up in the none from home but I've worked really hard to become the average cynical yiva guy and my father always always said that we we deal a lot with the problems and we have to deal with the problems and he spent most of his life dealing with problems that's what he did you know he says but we're never allowed to forget that there are thousands and thousands and tens of thousands of fromen that are that are building future homes and that are continuing to do and and and to do things properly because they want to and that's what that's what they're they're set out to do and yes there are problems in the system and there have always been problems system and every system has problems and there's no question that that some of us have to deal more with that than than others but to to to you know wipe away the whole uh the whole form world as being cynical and and and and and not uh not connected would be a great disservice to CLA every OWI says the same thing I on the other hand I like this and if they took away the draft no you only dress don't need deferment don't need anything and you did not have uh in-laws buying you an apartment how many guys would stay in learning how many guys are in liid how many guys in the mirror how many guys how many guys in from America are learning in a TR tens of thousands I don't think so you feel it wouldn't really change the situ I think it it would probably make a difference for some people maybe for 20% right 10% but for the masses wouldn't make a difference kly doesn't learn TI because of the draft I don't I don't believe that at all I don't have a single friend and I have Israeli friends I don't have a single friend that the reason they're learning because of the draft when they're when when so they left maybe they stayed another year to to get past it but that's not why they're learning they're learning because they're learning and and and and go to the B medish go to the B medish near our house any night of the week you'll find go now go go to go to emry shefer tonight tonight go to for at 11:00 at night there 200 people learning there no draft no no no no yes it's man manim is is is is Alive and Kicking is lucky to have you let me tell you Unfortunately they got me too anyway so but your area of expertise that you're known for is really what's the difference in the challenges of being a regular fir kid and abouta no difference none I had a Yeshiva for the boys that were the bottom of the barrel and now I have a Yeshiva for the girls who are and there's no difference is helping a person face themselves recognize themselves take responsibility for themselves and there's no difference it's a different world than 50 years ago Bo girl it's it's a different world because we're starting in a different place but the the same thing is the yes I expect less I have I changed certain expectations from 25 years ago when I knew that I could break through really breakthrough within two months and now it could take six or seven months Raa Raa shabir told me really you need two years one year is not is not enough and we opened up a second year program where the girls get a ba but they also they come out more solid it's it's the girl everyone the world is disconnected and is connecting is making a connection it's connecting a person to themselves you connect to them and help them connect to themselves that's what is I say the biggest challenge in today is when I was growing up you never told your parents no wasn't even wasn't even a hav you could Mumble and Grumble if they weren't looking behind your back and he didn't say no you know but today A kid will say no so once the underlying princip I of I'm the parent and you are the child and I tell you what to do is broken then none of the class that works on help you anymore because all of them are descri describing how you tell it to the kid what you tell it to the kid but not that the kid is not even going to acknowledge you as the as the parent and listen to you and that's the I think the biggest challenge today is that parents you know they'll tell a kid something kid says no no there's no Authority if you want you can throw me out I have places to goes to there's no Authority in the world we're living in in in a world with right there's no Authority that's exactly what happened and that's why that's it's a whole different book so your book on has to be completely different than rol's book on no no rol's book on is time is timeless my book has built on many of those things but my book on which I wrote 20 years ago 15 years ago is is also it's not different than what I write it now because I I wrote I didn't try to give do a b and c I try to understand what is the Dynamics between you and your child and then work from there so the the S the the the mechanics are the same the the tools are the same do you need a longer screwdriver or a shorter screwdriver do you need a bigger hammer or a smaller hammer do you need that changes but the the dynamic of is is the same but if kids don't accept parental Authority person first of kids don't accept themselves right I'm okay with that when it but when it's when it when a child when a person accepts himself he can accept his parents when a parent accepts themselves they can accept their kids when when there's acceptance and then love and and structure and respect everything changes and yes it's harder Now to create that structure with love and respect and acceptance It's harder because in a superficial world I saw some quotes from vashan Edelstein that I can't believe I just prob you can't believe it that he's talking like you know like yeah it doesn't matter if the kid's from doesn't matter if she she dresses right doesn't matter if you keep shavas you know I mean no don't don't say anything quotes like this that we going aroundi Al said has many other quotes about what a Yeshiva should look like and what a house should look like and what a home should look like and all of those are also true when he's speaking about the exception he spoke about it with understanding that there are exceptions and he and he fully embraced the exception taking the exception and turning it into bad and evil is not going to be helpful to anyone right when G said how to be he didn't say everything's okay he spoke very very clearly about what is and his Yesa and he he made things work the way they're supposed to work right when there's an exception a kid falls out a kid can't do it kid is is has challenges whatever they are then you accept the child where he is and you understand and you work with and you love and you create structure from a different place but it's not it's not the or ad seem felt that we shouldn't be M anymore right and that the world now is just heare so let everybody be heer speaking about it's good to hear that because a lot of the quotes made it sound that way that reading yes because from publication there are people who are who who believe that that's the way it is now that there's no more there is and and we need to be able to say no and we need to be able to boundaries what do you do when there's a child that doesn't accept boundaries what do you do when the child do no matter what you say opposition oppositional or something def def syndrome yeah oppositional defying syndrome then then you have to deal differently because you deal you know how do you feed your kids you feed your kids with a normal diet what do you do with a kid who has allergies give them a different diet right you don't say no you have to eat your stream beans if he's allergic to stream beans you you you obviously you're going to make changes but that's what we're talking about when you see things like that you always have to recognize that it's speaking about the exception cuz it seems like we have extremes there are kids who are on the straight and narrow where they hat and jacket learn three star a day and there were kids who are on the street doing drugs so a mother calls me up and she says I don't know what to do my kid is drifting I see he's heading up there and I called up a number of these organizations and they said is he on the street he said no good we can't help us we can't help him call us when he's on the street I'm like why isn't there some an ounce of Revenge is worth the bound of cure right say one person who unloads the Dunkey it'll take 10 people to pick it back up so what why don't we have a some kind of system in place where kids are when kids start drifting we come down on them like a ton of bricks the shivas and they and they discipline him and they throw him out and like this and once the kids on the on the on the street we'll do everything in the world for him it's it's a very very serious problem I identified that one correctly you identified that very very well very very well I've been Ru so much today I had I had I had a Yesa for for 12 13 years with kids that were having a hard time and I said let's not build a hital under the hole in the bridge let's try to fix the bridge right and that was my motto um it's clever it's it's not it's not my line it's actually I saw it in a um one of the some one of the one Bal Chua artist who was the nevi okay so he uh in in one of the I think in one of the early early magazines of the for magazines so he had a picture of a bridge with cars falling off and with a big and with a big hospital being built underneath the bridge right and that was the that's a very clever so um I uh I were I had a Yeshiva for kids for kids in that space very very difficult for for parents to identify it before it's too late it's like it's so interesting very difficult more understanding for a kid who goes off than for a kid who's going off because because we don't understand what's what's happening why is he going off and and we look at we look at it as our inadequacy and we end up being judgmental of ourselves and of the kids this is another whole whole discussion but this is also part of I mean it's definitely what spoken about in the book but it's it's a it's really a fascinating sad situation where you don't want to put a kid with kids that are already off the D when he's not off the D and that's the these pieces say so we're going to take these kids my kids in this are already M shabas he's not M shabas you want to put them together right and it's a and it's a very serious question should you put them together shouldn't put them together I I came to a conclusion after many many years in the yiva world working with kids like this the amount of money that it takes to take care of one of these kids in these small systems it would be the same amount of money it's harder to raise and harder to get but maybe we it's better to take every kid and build him a his own his own structure than to create a school for that right it's so expensive it's so I my my my budget was something like $600,000 a year for 30 kids you take if you if I would have that amount of money for every kid per year and just take care of each kid um but again it's easier to build it's it's hard it's hard to do I'm not I'm not saying we shouldn't have yeshivas like that I'm not saying I'm not coming giving any conclusive but I what I am trying to say is that these are very difficult dilemas because when you put them together it's is right instead of every person beaz each other this kid learns oh that's where the girls are oh that's where the drugs are oh that's where this is that's where that um that's what people say about prison send the to prison he becomes a better Criminal that's right that's right so it's not always so simple so a kid who's like after my own heart because he's a cynic he says if I stay in Yeshiva and I really work and I really try I'll get nothing but contempt and complaints because I'm not up to the standard he says if I go off the D and I go off to the street people will take me out for dinner people will take me on trips people will buy me all kinds of stuff you know suddenly I'm a star and I was like I don't know what to tell this kid he's right so so when somebody feels that way what what they're really saying is that I I feel I'm not successful oh for sure and I'm not successful I'm comparing myself to others cuz our system is not designed for the non-successful kid again there are many we the the you're the average Yesa today there are so many isas you know in in the Bak system here in where there in there are six School five schools that are schools and then six Splinter schools that are trying to build a school but in the yes Kat system in the high school system for boys you have aund Yas but how many of them are different they're all different they're all different that's why more boys are successful because the where and and whatever for all the I'm not going to go into all different reasons now but it's there's is better than yeah in in in in in America it's the other way around here it's um that's the way it said that three am of girls is um is Mal andite says suspicion ratting on each other and small-mindedness that was with my sh that's me that's that me I know somebody else who was cynical I had a Reby no no no and and I had the same Reby and uh I had the same Reby and uh you know we all sent our kids to those schools and we all and some kids did better many kids did better and yeah they they there's a lot of ignorance as to how to deal with the other that's really where it's coming from the same thing I said before about the shivas there an artic just ignorance in how to deal with someone who's any different AR going Jewish Observer about this girl who had tette syndrome bakov right and they had no idea how to deal with it eventually the girl killed herself because she just couldn't handle the the lack of AC acceptance a person who you know but there are kids there are I I know that there are boys and girls with terat syndrome in the from world that that make it that it's not again it depends on which school and who the principal was and how the parents dealt with it it's a very it's it's hard hard it's a very hard thing dealing with the other is a challenge and that's a challenge that not not all people have the intelligence the sensitivity the intuitiveness to know how to deal with the other you're lucky because you are somebody and you have the experience and you can decide with your kids what part of the system I'm going to use and which part of the system I'm not going to use but getting back to our topic of balicha they come in Li and if the school tells him something then okay you know so this parent uh asked in the bakov here the local bakov says you know um a relative came back and brought my daughter Mickey Mouse socks can she wear them when she's at home say no no no we don't do that right would you let one of your kids wear Mickey Mouse socks at the house I for sure would you're okay but you're asking you know what I mean so you're asking it's like B best so I I wouldn't I wouldn't have asked the question right that because you have that that's what I'm saying was Bal CH don't know any better they believe all this stuff to learn it have to learn you don't always ask the school the question as if you're in a school where you see that everything is so the person to ask is not always a school when when when one of my children needed pets I didn't ask the if I should have pets I helped him have and they were in the house and whatever it is I'm not going to go into that now but the only time I would go to the school cuz I don't want any pets in my goldfish have a live expectancy of a weak in my house and said then they're floating up so my wife didn't doesn't like pets even less than you but when we decided that this was what this child needed right so we did it quietly you don't have to always do things that's also part of but being using I think it was Tom so that said common sense ain't so common right a as common as it used to me yeah so so I I think that that people have to learn you don't always ask the school the question there are some things you learn to ask smart people that you know the question that's just being that's just being in Israel there's a famous thing called the kit bag question it's a kitbag question the kitbag is the is the isra um the word the Hebrew word for the big nap for the napsack right so when the when the when when the guy goes to the Army so he gets the kit bag that he's he wearing so the lieutenant says the guy you're late run around the camp three times he says with the kit bag or without the kit bag he never asked that question he never asked that question all right so you did a lot of research for this book um after 20 years how many of them are mainstreamed have if they've managed to make it through all of the challenges and things at what point are they are they not about you anymore again I don't think your person never has to be a Nal Chua like the G rebba said we're always growing we're all supposed to be rethinking we're all supposed to be reevaluating we're all supposed to be strengthening as said to you if you can be somebody we all need physic I don't I don't think that there's a um some people deal with things some ways and some people deal with things other ways you know I remember my mother telling me that um that there's certain things when she smells them she remembers that they they tasted very good and I was like what you you you he said yeah it smells good it it reminds me of smell is the most effective memory agid right stud so goes straight into your brain and I I know I remember that there was G music was never my challenge but there were a couple songs that a friend of mine was who was at my house for a while was playing over and over that were very famous at the time and they and I don't think about them because I don't like I said Goa music was never my channel I had other things that I had to deal with that was not something that I but when I go to America and they're playing stuff from the 60s or 70s and and I hear it it's like my head goes into full you your experiences you can't ignore your experiences you I was in a camp here in Israel and cend the girl by Neil sadaka came on I couldn't get it out of my head literally for three months it just kept going yeah yeah my heart's in a world it was I was stuck I couldn't get it out so when somebody has I don't feel bad cuz shinberg said that's the Yan Yanke so whenever I hear the Yankees when I feel good right I think I think I think the quote was that he was sitting in the m m and he heard a boy say to another boy the Yankees won the World Series didn't happen too often so he said it was in the 80s it used to happen a lot I said I I couldn't help that I F he left America when he was eight years old right the last time he saw a Yan heard Yankees he was eight or nine he says but I felt good that little that little feeling yeah it stays with you that's somebody whoa that's right they they carry this with them and and and that's why I don't think could be ignored that's why I think that they have to learn to come to terms and to come come comfortable and self-acceptance children of balich Chua are different than regular kids it depends on it depends on levels of integration grandchildren um less my grandchildren they less much again depending on levels of integration but much less um you know grandparents are uh when when when kids who have grandparents that of aluba usually very very proud of them the parents are already from and when the grandparents become from it's like so I somebody whose grandparents became from and their parents are from and that that my grandchildren hear that I grew up in a house that wasn't from shabas they shocked like what zi zi wasn't shavas so uh you know because they bashem grew up in a in a whole different world yeah all right so what's the happy ending what percentage of people we come from it all ends nicely I think the I think the major percentage of people who who are from for three to five years stay from so this book will help how first of all helping understand ourselves helping accept ourselves for who we are and and and learning to deal with the many different thoughts that go through our mind the situations you know I there's a a person a guy goes to his family that he loves all the time and he and he comes for shabas and there 10 kids and they're saying different T and the're singing Mir he says I want this right you know what it takes to raise 10 kids some people can do that not everybody can do it not everybody in the FR world has 10 kids right right but but the I'm so inspired When I See This I say I want this but there's there's a little background that you need so I go what is it what does it take what raising a large family what it really takes there there's there's a lot of things that people don't think about that need to be thought about so it's it's just I I think it gives validation understanding uh practical practical ideas as to how to get through things how to understand things how to rephrase frame things and and and and what to do about a lot of things that's I hope it's a practical book is the book meant for non balich Chua it was not written and I I wrote in a disclaimer sort of that it it was not written for n balich Chua but I think it's important not for young people but for families for people who are from to understand and to have a better appreciation um uh Dr David Lieberman sure so he wrote a an appr probation and he said the importance of this book is helping us understand right the balas around us I want to stress this because the book is not only meant to be bought by Bali Chua that's that is the point that I want to make all right greenal we thank you so much for your time we know how busy you are with all of your many many activities and your many children and grandchildren and the fact that you were able to Ste away time to spend it with us and uh with the thousands and thousands of people who watch this and are going to go out immediately and buy this book uh for themselves and as a perfect gift idea and if you're not very uh religious it's a great stocking stuffer so uh make sure and go out and buy yourself a few copies and uh uh we thank you so much thank you every okay so that's it for now if you want to find out more about the show you can go to my website row.com you can sign up for one of our online shum you can can post a question you can sponsor an episode please please you can sponsor a question and answer you can download our other materials and that's it for now until next time I am d rovski zi green thank you so much and thank you this has been the RAB olowski show it's the rabbi orlovski show Tor and S ready to go the rabbi orlovski show knowledge and wisdom will help you grow lots of fun in every episode and we don't have to 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