The Importance of Family (Ep. 305)

Hi, this is David Alowski and welcome to the Rabbi Alowski show. And whether you're watching with our friends over at Turny Time, our producers, or wherever you watch and listen to your podcast, as always, we're happy to have you along for the experience. And if on your platform it makes a difference, don't forget to subscribe, to like, to comment, and uh to uh do something else. I don't know whatever else it is you're supposed to do on a podcast. And as you may notice, uh there's no bookcase with me today because I am filming in front of the beautiful Nokin Hotel where we are going to be making the first Eurovvski family Pesak program. So, I came up here to do some videos, take some pictures that we're going to use to make a video about people want to come for Pesak. And in the meantime, we uh we thought since we're up here, we might as well do the podcast from up here. So, you get a little chance to see what's over here. Right in front of me is the Canerit. Unfortunately, it's a little hazy today, so you can't really see it too well. Otherwise, I would have put my back to the beautiful Canerit. But of course when you come on Pesak it'll be nice and bright and you'll be able to see everything beautifully. So uh that's uh that's what we have waiting in store. Um and like I say the video will you know those who are interested find out more about Pesak. I will just say as I said beforehand the concept is that I would like to invite everyone over my home for Pesak and I can't. So we're going to invite you all over here and we're going to spend PES together. And that's why it's not the Pesak program in the Nokiner with Rabbi Olavski. It's the Olavski family Pesak that we're inviting you all to participate in. It should be very special. My attitude is I want to give you a better PES than you'll get at home. That's the idea. Okay. So we'll talk more about Pesak, I'm sure. In the meantime, uh I want to share the sponsorship. The sponsor this week is sponsored by Yehuda Zimmerman in honor of my mother FG Basen who is Nifa on Yud Bislave and Mashem the Mafar and spreading it throughout should be something that should be for your mother and aliyah for the nama. And uh Yehuda is a longtime listener and sends in questions and is very involved. And what can I tell you? Thank you so much for your support and thank you to everybody who sponsors because the only way that we are able to do this is because of you know the nice people who sponsor and make this uh podcast possible. Okay. Um I'll tell you what I wanted to talk about uh this episode. Uh and I'll tell you what started me off. Every now and then people send me clips basically to get me upset, you know. I understand that, you know, because uh people get me upset, I get people upset. I I remember I would go to uh visit Masha Shapiro on Purum. He had his tish going that was open and uh you know I remember one year I was sitting quietly. and he says to me. So I said, "Well, since you ask and I went into something that was upsetting me and uh he got very upset and nobody could annoy him like I could. I shouldn't say that. I mean, I'm sure other people could as well, but I was very good at it, you know." So uh so some people like to do that to me, too, to get me upset to get me going. So they sent me a clip. I I'll put this clip into context for you so you understand where it's coming from and uh hopefully uh you'll you'll understand what it is that I want to talk about and what I want to bring out over here. Once upon a time there was a late night host by the name of Johnny Carson. Most of America watched Johnny Carson. I remember reading an article once that said people do not pay as much attention to the front page of whatever hush of newspaper comes out as they do to Johnny Carson's monologue. You know, he was he set the tone for America. Yeah. There were other people tried to compete with him along the way. Uh Joey Bishop, Dick Cavitt, different kind of people like this, but nobody could do what Johnny Carson was doing. And after Johnny Carson left, so then you had Jay Leno and David Letterman, you know, a few other people, Craig Ferguson, these kind of people. When they left, you got basically the people who are there today. Uh Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Steven Colbear, Seth Meyers. These people are essentially political commentators. They're not comedians. They may have been. They started out as comedians, but now they basically talk politics the whole time. And Ben Shapiro described the audience as Clapster. Yeah. It's people just go, "Yeah." You know what I mean? The jokes aren't really jokes. They're not really particularly funny. It's all just political bashing and essentially just bashing Donald Trump and the Republicans. And that's what they do the whole time. They pretend somehow that this is a comedy show, late night TV like it used to be. So Johnny Carson would make jokes about Republicans, make jokes about Democrats. People asked, "Was Johnny Carson a Democrat or Republican?" You never knew. You never knew. Jimmy Kimmel, who's gone over the line number of times, he was actually cancelled by Disney until people threatened Disney and so they put them back and they have him back on, but they don't have any ratings. Nobody's really watching them, etc. And it's just depressing. And in fact, uh not to get too involved in pop culture, but there is a guy who basically does more comedy than them, although it's also basically a political comedy show, Greg Gutfeld, who has higher ratings than any of them. And he is on Fox News, you know, and he doesn't have any bigname stars, you know, he has like belist comedians and a couple of people like that. some people from Fox News who comes on and he has higher ratings. You know, it just just shows you that this is not really capturing the country. Nonetheless, every time they say something outrageous, it gets a lot of press. People want to talk about it. So, here's what happened. Yeah. Apparently, Jimmy Kimmel and his wife, who is his producer, was on a talk show. And she said, "Before the 2024 election, I reached out to my relatives and I said to them, if you don't give me a commitment that you're not going to vote for Donald Trump, then I want nothing to do with you ever again. I'm breaking off relations with you." And she said, "Because if you vote for Donald Trump, you're voting against me and my husband. You know what my husband tries to do and how Trump is tax him and you're voting against my values, etc. And so I want nothing to do with you." This made the news. Made the news. Um, I don't know how many people were supportive of her position, but it certainly became a topic of conversation. Yeah. Should you break off relations with relatives who have different political views than your own? Uh in America they have a yontiff. It's a secular yontiff. It's called Thanksgiving. It's the only yontiff that's not tied into any religion. It's American. There's a question in whether from Yid is allowed to celebrate it or if it's called or not. You know, I'm not I'm not getting into that. But uh it's definitely an American. It's not a Christian holiday. You could argue the people who started it, the pilgrims were Christians and they did it to thank God. You know, that's probably true. But the original Thanksgiving probably came out in September, October. It definitely wasn't at the end of November. It was put there to basically give thanks to all the blessings that America has, etc. And it's it's relatively secular. Christmas is also a national holiday, but nobody's going to claim that it's a secular holiday, right? That's obvious. But Thanksgiving is seen as a secular holiday. And that's why Woody Allen, who's a Jew, his real name is Alan Koisburg. And a lot of his movies, he centers it around Thanksgiving because he has nothing to do with his Judaism. He's not going to take a Jewish holiday. And he's definitely not Christian. So, he's not going to take Christmas. So, he takes Thanksgiving. In a bunch of movies, it it it focuses around uh Thanksgiving. I'm thinking Broadway Danny Rose. I'm thinking uh uh Hannah and her sisters. I'm sure there are some others like that too where it focuses on Thanksgiving because Thanksgiving is seen as this secular yuntive and it becomes a big problem. Should I invite over relatives to Thanksgiving or should I go to Thanksgiving to relatives of mine who voted for Trump even if they don't discuss it at the Thanksgiving dinner. But can we have Thanksgiving together uh if we believe different things? And I thought to myself, it's an amazing concept because there is a concept of family and we are very careful about family as Abraham is told. Leave your country, leave the homeland and leave your family because to leave your family is a very serious thing. Family is uh is very important. You find in the garra many times where the family can say something or do something or stop something because it's a bean to the family for this. What did we do that we should all of us be tred and feathered with what this particular relative did? That's the concept the family. So I wanted to use this as a jumping off point for a moment to speak about family we talk about the families. Yeah. When we uh do the census in before we go into we do it by family. The concept of appears many times in the Tyra lema the first rashi in the Tyra says why does the start from the creation of the world he says in case people would say to the Jews list you stole this land from the canananim so we'll say to them Hashem created the world he took it away from them and gave it to us because it's his world he can give it to anybody that he wants Why would the nations of the world accept that argument? Why should they accept that argument? We say uh God created the world and he gave it to us. So if you don't accept the Torah, there's nothing to talk about. Obviously, that argument is not going to work. But even if you accept the Torah, you could say, "Okay, he took it away from Kanan and gave it to Sheame who said that he will be an EV to shame." And so Kanan had no right to it. But there are other children of Shem besides Abraham. So you have to bring in that who specifically gave it not just to the descendants of Shem, but to Abraham himself. And because of what Shem does in the story when they come off of the tava that carries through to Abraham and Abraham can trace himself back to Shame. It was before Pesak and I was giving a ride to somebody when I have the opportunity. I tried to somebody was waiting for a for a uh what they call in Israel a They call in America a hitch. And he waves me down. So, of course, if I could do it, I try to do it. And um he says to me, "Thank you so much. Let me uh pay you back with from my father-in-law." So, I figure, "Okay, who's your father-in-law?" He says, "Ribak of Kamki." I said, "Okay, you got my attention." Maybe he would have said uh you know barrel I don't know but from asking he says he asked a question on the haga it says in the hagada and by the way if you come from pes full full disclosure you might hear this again yeah if you join my seda you don't have to join my seder you can make your own seder or you can get a private room for your for a family seda but if you join my sed I might say this word again yeah it says over Originally our forefathers were idol worshippers says that's backwards. It should have said originally our fathers were idol worshippers. What does it mean uh the uh of the Zora were our forefathers originally and now Hashem has brought us close to him at Hari and now they're not. So what does that mean? So says of Yakov, because if you want to be perfectly honest, you as a Yid trace yourself back to Yakov, his father Yitkak, his father Abraham, his father Terak, his fellow, his father Narakshad, you go back and obviously these people were over there. But now Hashem has brought us to Hari. So brings a on the rashi in Bahal that says the following. The people were crying on their families because they had been married to Aras and now they had to get divorced. Before the Torah was given, you could marry your sister. A man could marry his aunt. And now that the Torah was given, they had to all get divorced. Mosha's parents had to get divorced because Yaved was the daughter of uh Ley and Kohas was the son of Ley and his son was Amram. So Amram married his aunt. So Minto they had to get divorced. So the people were crying they had to get divorced. there you were married to your sister, you know, and which is great because you only have to invite one side to the wedding, you know, it's a tremendous advantage. I have a guy who the garur describes with Rob's parents that they were step brother and step sister. So I I have a friend who is like that. his father had him, got divorced and married his next wife who had a daughter from their first marriage. And the two of them married each other and it was really interesting because Mr. and Mrs. So and So invite you to the marriage of their children. It's great. You only have one side, you know, and it's a little awkward though because if you get into a fight, how do you go home to mother? I mean it's the same same parents but uh so the glory describes that with Rob's parents I but uh but okay they were married brother and sister they had to get divorced yeah and uh so he asked the why they have to get divorced because it says that a g has no relations. Midyarisa a g can marry his sister. They both convert a brother and sister can get married because gramm don't have any they start over again. So if that's the case um uh why why they all became gimmi obviously we were all the we learn out how you become a g from harinai because they were told first you all have to have a brisma and then they were told they all have to go to the mikvah and then they were told that they had to be mab the entire and that's the basis we use today when a person is that you have to do those things you have to um have a brisma, you have to uh have uh have mabo all of the mitzvah, you have to go to the mikvah. So they all became gay. So why' they have to get divorced? So he says did a special why because gave a special bris to and if we became gay and we didn't have any then we wouldn't have any connection tok so reattached the all the way back to and that's what it means means of no originally of the were our forefathers and now they're not because our only goes to Abraham and stops there is not part of our neither is our they were taken out of the picture. So you see that is a very important thing throughout the Torah. We say remember we're descendants of we ask for that. And everyone knows the famous story with the when Shiman Schwab came to the before he was going to takea in Germany to get a bra and looks at him and says uh are you a Cohen? He says no. He says are you a Ley? He says no. He says how come? He says cuz my father wasn't a Coen or a Ley. Oh how come he wasn't a Ley? He says cuz his father wasn't a Ley. Huh? So, how come his father wasn't a coin or Levy? So, he's starting to think, you know, is pretty old. He's starting to lose it. He goes, "His father wasn't a coy looked at him and said, you know why I'm a cohen and your father wasn't?" Because when Mosher Raenu said, "Mashem lie. Whoever is for God come to me." My alta came and yours didn't. That's why people are kohan and levim today because when that moment of truth came, they answered the call. Now you're going to uh Germany and Hashem is going to call upon you again. Milai, don't miss the call a second time. But I'm a Cohen because my great great great great grandfather made a choice. And other people are Levian because their great great great grandparents made a choice. And people make decisions and it affects them. We don't usually go back three doros. Why' we go back three doros? says Rashi because they were making fun of Pinas and said how could you do something so cruel as to kill a ni is it must be because your za was who was an ozor and that's how you could do this act of cruelty so rashi was miss back to Aron to say just as Aron was an Oam so was ask it's just you're just playing a game here whether I'm to this grandfather or that grandfather the Tina remains the same that your grandfather was an oar says you're right you're right but it means that the power of The yus of Aon was so strong it canceled out whatever he got from Israel. But but they were right. There's got to be something there in your past that allowed you to do this. Where did this come from? There was a fellow who wanted to get into the Tuesday shir Shapiro. I used to go to the Tuesday shir. So the Thursday shar was open to everybody and the Tuesday shir was not and he wanted to go to the Tuesday shir and he says look bakim don't come only you know married people so he says to Shapiro he says but I have a special schooler to become a so says yeah let's hear he says it says one of the three inherent traits of Jews to know whether somebody is descended from Aramitz or Jacob or if they came from the Arav they converted in yeah is that they're shimm and they're embarrassed what's called Jewish guilt what's called what's called shame and they're um rakmonim it's hard for them to be really cruel if you look the way that America fought the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, they did not show the restraint that the idea showed in Gaza. Not that it helps because people will call us baby killers anyway. Genocidal maniac. Doesn't matter what we do. We should have just done whatever has to be done because nobody cares about us. But we're Jews. We're hard for us. And we do a lot of and charity, right? He says, so one of the attributes of a Jew is that they have a natural sense of shame. But it says in someone who's embarrassed can't learn. So that means that every Jew who was born Jewish is at a disadvantage because he's naturally a Bishan. And so he said to Shapiro, he said, "But my father wasn't Jewish when I was born. He converted later. So I have I don't come from Jewish stock. So I'm not such a bish. I'm not so embarrassed. So it'll be easier for me to learn." That's what he said to me. So says to him in English, "You're okay, kid. and he let him come to the share. But it's true. Rabbi Zakatinsky works with kids who are on the street. And he says it's easier to bring back a boy than a girl. Because for a girl to make it on the street, she only has to do one thing. And a Jewish girl can do that as well as a non-Jewish girl. But to make it on the street when you're a boy, you have to be able to take a razor and slice up somebody's face. A black kid can do it. A Hispanic kid can do it. An Italian kid can do it. It's hard for a Jew. It doesn't come naturally to them. Whereas Jackie Mason said, "A Jew can't be a mugger. He can't pull out a gun and say, "Give me all your money." Says, "How much you got? Let's work out something." But uh it's an interesting idea. You know, Jews, Jews have certain natural traits that are built into us, what we call genetic characteristics. And I know we don't like to talk about that nurture versus nature, but we say, "Yeah, every has a certain uh national identity. Are there exceptions?" Of course. But we're talking about as a people. There's a certain natural identity that's associated with these people. You know, there are certain things that the Japanese don't get. I I'll give you an example. Steve Allen who was originally uh the host of the Tonight Show before Johnny Carson. So uh he said he once told a joke to a Russian, you know, high ranking Russian. He says the difference between capitalism and communism is that in capitalism man oppresses man and in communism it's the opposite way around. He laughed. He says, "I said this to a communist Chinese and he goes,"I don't understand. It's the same thing." So they're different people who have different senses. They did a poll around the entire world. They said, "Excuse me, sir. What is your opinion of the meat shortage?" So they asked this question in America and the answer they got was, "What's a shortage?" And they asked this question in Poland and they said what is meat? And they asked this question in Russia and they said what is an opinion? And they asked this question in Israel and they said what is excuse me? There's certain there's certain again you there there are generalizations but there are certain things that that that certain peoples have as part of their national identity and of course you could become assimilated you could lose those things but they're part of your genetic makeup. So family is something that's extremely important and the Torah puts tremendous emphasis on it. Yeah. When it comes to giving stalker, the Rambam says the first priority is your family and everyone knows that there's a mitzvah of Maim giving 10% of your money to the Rambam says the first priority is your family. And that's why uh I meet people sometimes and uh you know they say to me I'd like to be able to support stuckers but I tell you the truth I've got a bunch of kids in learning and I need to support them. I'm not m to support them. I look at it as stuck. Family comes first. I know somebody else uh who used to sponsor uh something in the show and uh he says look I can't I have relatives who are going through a hard time. I got to give them the money instead. That's what the Rambam says. Family comes first. So could you imagine you break off with your family over politics or over some other I may have told this story. I was contacted by a woman in Brooklyn asked me to sign off on their organization. It's an organization for parents who children stop talking to their parents. And I said, "Well, are there a lot of people involved?" This this was years ago. They said, "Hundreds of families. hundreds of families where kids just and sometimes they'll they'll go to some rabbi and they'll say, "Well, that's I remember where somebody did this once and uh big said to me, what do you think he is, a child? He knows you're not allowed to pos without talking to both parties." He didn't he didn't speak to the parents to hear their side. Because very often I remember in NCSY, you know, I had a kid who was uh doing certain things that I was going to have to send him home and he begged me, "Please don't do it because my mother's, you know, remarried and my stepfather will beat me." I was like, "Oh my gosh, well then I I definitely don't want to see the kid get beaten. I'm not not out, you know." So I let him get away with a lot of stuff. And at one point his mother called me up after about a couple of months of this and said, "How come my son is allowed to do X, Y, and Z?" So I fumbred and I said, "Well, you it's just she says, "Did he tell you that my my husband beats him?" And I didn't say anything. Goes, "He says this to everybody to get out of stuff." He said, he says it in school. He says this one. Says, "My my husband has never laid a hand on him ever. It's all nonsense. He just makes it up." So today, the term abusive is used. Everybody, everybody who has a problem is abusive. There's no question that today my father would be considered abusive. Back in that generation, he wasn't. I used to say and kids today are of course horrified. My father had only one educational tool. He would take off his belt and beat you. And people of course horrified. But people of my age group are like, "Yeah, my dad too." Unfortunately, that was when you took a class back then. You know, he would say expressions like, "I'll wrap you in the mouth." You know what I mean? Or my mother would say, "I'll throw you down the stairs." or other colorful expressions that no doubt they picked up from their parents, you know, and today if you don't let a kid do something, I mean, you read these news stories more often than you can imagine. parents wouldn't let the kid use the computer, whatever it is. And they stabbed him or shot him or some craziness like this, you know, because uh we've raised a generation of people who are entitled and they can do whatever they want, say whatever they want, you know, but uh but to break off relations, it's a very serious thing. And so you have to be very careful before you do something like that because family is very important and we go to great lengths to maintain relationships with family no matter what it takes. You know now are there red lines? Of course there are red lines. Right? In my generation, if somebody intermarried, you would sit down and sit shiver for them. I saw a film from the 1960s put out by the reform movement of a film where you see this man tear Korea, light aside candle, sit down on the floor and start crying and then it cuts to his daughter getting married in a church. that was the reform movement. Okay, today it's not the same thing. It doesn't mean the same thing because uh people have been assimilated for so long that it's not a rebellion. It's not somebody who grew up in a from home and then is turning their back on what's important. I remember there's a uh a book that came out called How to Stop an IM Inter into Marriage. And in it, they had this one scene where this rabbi would bring in the boy who was thinking of getting intermarried. And he'd bring him into the synagogue and he'd open the ark and he would take him tell him to take out the safety Torah. And he was holding the safety. And the rabbi said, "Now throw it on the floor." Kid says, "What?" "Throw it on the floor and stamp on it." And he says, "God forbid." He takes the Torah away from him, puts it back in the ark, and says, "But that's what you're doing today. I'd be terrified to do that. Take the Torah, throw it on the floor, and stamp on it." Sure. Sure. Because what does sora mean to anybody today? Nothing has any meaning. Everything is everything is so vi so far people don't even think about it. People don't understand this. There was a time when you know uh person would get intermarried took it for granted that their family wasn't going to come a church get married. Today people are always shocked. They have a someone who's a baluva cuz the parents go and and the kid doesn't go and the and the person's like I came to your wedding. They don't understand the difference. I I had to dress sne to come to your wedding. Had to wear a long skirt and put on a shawl. No, I sacrifice. Why can't you sacrifice? Don't even understand. So we work with them. We understand that we may have to do more in order to be able to get a sensitivity to what it means to be a Jew. So you have relatives who make fun, relatives who don't keep shabas, all kinds of things. So case you have to make a little bit more of an effort. I've told this story before, but I had relatives who were making a uh I was questionable about the kash. It certainly wasn't mahadin. So I called up the mashk and I said, "A person who only eats mahadin, what can he eat here? So the Mashk himself uh I I checked into him. He was considered a reliable guy. He says, "Well, the bread is bad and the dips are badass. We buy the dips, so they're fine. The vegetables are gush kif and I wash them and check everything myself." So he says, "So you can definitely have the bread and the salads and the dibs." And I said, "The soup?" Nope. The fish? No. I didn't even ask about the main cause. It's okay. So, I went in and I washed cuz I knew my relatives were going to watch to see if I was eating at their sim. And I washed and I had bread and I had the sals and I had the dips. That's a fine meal. When I came here in 1975 to learn in yeshiva to one of my great treats was I go out to the falafel store and I would offer order a humus plate which was an actual plate glass plate and they put their homemade hummus and they swirled it around put a couple of falafel balls on it a little olive oil gave you a nice fresh warm pa what a great meal. So here I am having dips and and bread and and salads. Mom is unbelievable. It's a wonderful suda. But I checked into it and I did what I had to do. My mother grew up uh with no background. Her father did not go to uh Shaam Kipper. She said her mother's father was a big r in Vilma. But you know back then when you came to America as a kid you know to avoid the pagrums you married whoever you could marry. So apparently he nothing he didn't uh he didn't uh keep anything. So uh my father grew up in a sham sham's house. So when my father became my mother went along with it. And then when my father died, my mother was left over as a from almana, but she didn't know anything. She never grew up with these things. She only did whatever my father did. So, uh, my parents had moved to West Hamstead where three of my brothers were living. And, uh, my brothers and their children would all come over and visit, uh, after Davening. And my mother would put out food. And one of the things she would do is put out cocktail franks. Cocktail franks are for my non-Jewish listeners because I get letters from them from time to time. Think of pigs and blankets only instead of pig it's sausage it's beef. Okay. It's like a little frankfooter and it's wrapped in dough and it's baked. Is it the bane of my existence? Yes. Luckily I live in I can't get them. The only reason I've lived this long is because I live in Eritell and I cannot get cocktail franks and Loen's Bakery went out of business and stopped making cream puffs. Otherwise, I would have been dead 20 years ago because those things are terrible and I just I don't know how to say no. The first time I had loan cream puffs was in 8th grade. It was a shabatone in the youngest of woodmir and uh we were placed at somebody's house and before shabas she puts out a box of lowens cream puffs and some drinks and says here you know before shabas have something I was there with another guy and I ate one he ate one and we looked at each other we went oh my gosh we just p the whole box which was not cool and I don't remember who I stayed by If you're still still alive and you're watching this or your children, I apologize. I add that to uh the sins of my youth. But um but to to be honest, I was on I cannot be held responsible when there are low cream puffs. In any event, so when I would come, my mother would dapka make cocktail franks. Yeah. But she would put them in the oven on Shabba's morning. So I went to Reb Yehuda Kalammer, one of the finestim of the past generation. Uh really outstanding individual. I don't know if I've ever spoken about Rever Keller. There's somebody I know who knows a lot and doesn't have a lot of respect for for most rabbis because uh they're a lot of show and very little substance. But he used to speak in awe of Reverend Keller, you know. He says, "I was once doing a suga in um and I I went over to ask him a question." I mean, but so he goes, "Yeah, yeah. Sim and so and so." Yeah. What's your question? He says who's holding in which is causing pain to animals. I said remember very calm was he says one time I asked him a question and he sent me to some journal and I read the article it's not talking about what I asked at all and I come back to him and he looks at me and says you didn't look at the footnotes footnote 17 but that he knew what it said in footnote 17 in some article in some journal you know it it was it was amazing what he knew and and how much he was holding. So I said to him, "Listen, my mother uh shabas morning takes the uh cocktail franks out of the freezer and puts it in the oven." And he looks at me and he goes, "And she knows you love cocktail franks and she's going to be watching to see whether or not you eat them. And if you don't eat them, she's going to be upset." I said, "You got it." He says, "Cocktail franks are already cooked. You're not you're not cooking them. They're just being heated up. So just wait till they're not yachts lettuce bow and you can eat them." But he didn't say what what cooking on Shabas. Don't do anything there. No, you see how you can work it out. Yehuda Alban runs an organization in Chicago called Torah Hub. works with different balabatum. And he says, "I had this one balabos. I kept trying to get him to come over to my house for shabas. It wouldn't go." So finally I told him, "Yeah, I'm coming over your house for shabas." And my wife cooked all the food and we brought our own hot plate and set everything up and they joined us for the suda and we sang smear. And then they went to watch TV or to go to the mall or do whatever they did. But we kept shabas in their house or at least they could see how to keep shabas. This is sort of the concept of the traveling. If you've ever met them, they're a group of in my traveled around to different communities where they make aidish shabas for the people. I want you to see what it is. They eat their meals in sh and everybody's invited and you know and they just if anybody wants to see what aid shabas looks like to get a t this is what it looks like. This is how it goes. It's a beautiful idea but the easy thing to do is just to say I'm not having anything to do with you. You know person says to me I don't think I'm a because I think my father has a dinner I said taka he says yeah he's not show I said didn't you go to yeshiva day school says yeah he says your father paid tuition to send you to a yeshiva day school and you think he's a Russia the only reason you're from today is because of your father and you decide he's a Russia cuz he doesn't give chabas. It's very easy to write people off. Years ago when my father still was not chasing me, are your parents religious? And I would say I don't know. I don't know. It's hard to say. You know, when I was younger, I asked my uh father once. I said, "Are we reformed, conservative, orthodox?" So, he knew we weren't Orthodox because he uh he worked on Chabas, but he figures we go to a conservative. They go, "We're conservative." Says, "We're conservative." So, I said, "Dad, you know, conservative also says you have to keep chabas." He says, "Okay, we're reform." My father was nowhere from when I told him once that that the conservative movement took out of their sitter the concept of because they don't believe in he got very upset. What do you mean they don't believe in that? Of course you believe in it. The problem is people give themselves labels reformed, conservative, orthodox based on observance. So if you keep 30% you're reformed, 60% you're conservative, 90% you're orthodox, 100 you'reidic, that's how you can have a term like conservox 75%. Reformative 43%. But it's not the philosophy. Most reformed Jews don't know what reform believes in. And most conservative Jews certainly don't know what conservative believes in. One might argue most Orthodox Jews don't know what orthodoxy believes in either, but there's more of a chance that they do. Yeah. But uh people define themselves by their level of observance. So at some point when people asked me what's your father, you know, reformed, conservative, Orthodox, I said he is a nonpracticing Orthodox Jew. Because he was completely Orthodox. I'll never forget on Yamiper where he was complaining to the Reb because my father always went to Yamiper. He didn't go shabas. He he was in the flower business. He felt it was the busiest day of the week. He he couldn't take off. You know, he would go occasionally on Yandiff. But but Raship always went. So one young Kipper, he says to the rabbi, he says, "I really should be keeping chabas. It's not right. I need to, you know, whatever it is." He was giving his, you know, how he really should. And the rabbi who was an Orthodox rabbi in a conservative synagogue, he says, "Look, look, Marty, you got six kids, you have a big family, you support them, you give a lot of charity, you know, uh, the fact that you work is not such a big deal." And my father got angry at him. And he said, "You're the rabbi. You're supposed to be telling me I'm doing the wrong thing. I know I'm doing the wrong thing. Don't tell me I'm doing the right thing." So Ashkoffically he knew that what he was doing was wrong and people write off their parents and people write off their brothers and sisters and people write off their their uh their children, their cousins. This girl told me that she met this rabbitson and the rabbitson said, "What's your name? Where you from? Are you related to this one? Are you related to that one? So, uh, she didn't know what she's asking about. We have nothing, no connection. And the Reverson said, "We're all related. We just don't take enough time to ask enough questions. Otherwise, we'd see we're all related." Uh, a very good point. We're all related. and and you're going to start writing people off because they didn't vote the way you wanted. They don't believe in the same things you believe in. I was speaking for Jeff Sidell on Hebrew University and I was speaking before Rashashana and I was talking about using the opportunity to look at your life. etc., etc. There were these two reform students, a guy and a girl, and they tagamed me, and I should have seen it coming, but the audience was so receptive that I didn't see it coming. It's my fault. I blame myself. So, one of them said, "Well, isn't it important to have a good relationship with your fellow man? Isn't that what rashash shana is about? And I said, "No, not really. Rashashana is about your relationship between you and God. Yam kiper is between you and your fellow man. Rashana is just about between you and God." So he said to me, "But your relationship with your fellow man is also important." I said, "Uh, yes, but that's not what Rashashana is about. Might be what other, you know, Yam Kipper is about, but it's not Rash." And he kept pressing me. And so I wanted to be accommodating. And I said, "Yeah, okay." you know, relationships between people is also important. And they looked to his friend, the girl there, and of course, I fell for it. And she says, "Well, then how am I supposed to go into Russashana when I see these who are throwing rocks at people at the hotel and I fell for it. It's my own fault. I have no good excuse. I fell for it. I should have seen it coming, but I was fooled. They they tricked me. Yeah. So there's an old expression, fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. I used to teach a course and how to answer basic questions. And someone asked me, how did you learn how to give so many good answers? I said by giving bad ones. And then whenever that happens, I go back and look at it and say, what would I say the next time I find myself in that situation? So I replayed it in my head. I put myself back in that situation. The person says to me, "How can I go into a show when I see these Orthodox Jews throwing rocks at people?" And I said, "What a great point. Let me explain to you about Russia Shana. You hear a day of judgment and you think that means I should judge people. Let me judge the Orthodox people. Let me judge the reform people. Let me judge my parents. Let me judge my siblings. Let me judge my friends because I think I'm God. And I hear day of judgment. Let me go out there and judge everybody. No. God is the one who's judging. You're the one who's being judged. I would spend a lot more time looking at yourself than looking at other people. And if you walk into Russash and you say, "How can I go into Russash Shana when there are so many people not living up to my standard and I'm upset with them?" Then you don't know what Russash is about at all. It's all about you. You have to look at yourself and how God is going to look at you and stop looking at other people. That would have been a great answer. I wish I'd given it. instead I lost complete control of the room and uh well you know you you learn lessons that way. Anyway, I just wanted to share this idea with you because I was so frustrated when I see people willing to break off with their family and and to and to discount people. What a terrible thing. What a terrible thing. And uh and at least in our own lives, we should make as much of an effort as we can to try to keep family in our lives instead of letting them drift away over issues like politics. Obviously, having said, I always have to add on a caveat. Somebody wrote me on the on the previous podcast where I talked about having children and a woman said, "I was very hurt by your podcast because I can't have children and you spent the whole podcast speaking about the importance of having children and I couldn't have children. I was very hurt." Yes. At the end you discussed the purpose of marriage if you don't have children. But you know, but I was still hurt. So I said, "The person wrote me a question asking why should I have children? How can I answer them in a way that you won't be hurt? They're asking me should they have children?" So should I say no because I know this lady who can't have children. I can't do that. And she said to me, "You're right, but I I was hurt." So let me just add in the end. Are there exceptions? Of course there are exceptions. If there's somebody in your life who's dangerous, who's going to abuse your children, who's, you know, whatever the case may be, then yeah, you have to you have to distance yourself from those people. But, uh, air on the side of caution unless again there's a safety issue, you know, not just, you know, oh, uh, they give me the heebie-jebies. I have a lot of people in my family who give me the heebie-jebies. I'm sure I give some people the heir, but I don't think that's enough of an answer. Okay. And of course, producer Ari always sends me some uh some nice things that people say about me to make up for the fact that I give people the heebie-jebies. I love the Rabbi show for the simple reason that while in the kitchen where I listen to all my Torah Sherman podcasts. I hope you cook a lot. I find myself always smiling and having a chuckle at his random comments and jokes. Yeah, you know, if you ever go and watch the highlight reels, I don't remember saying any of those things and I laugh out loud because they're funny. And there is nothing better for a marriage than a husband coming home and seeing a happy wife smiling and happy and full of things to say and some funny scenarios to share with him. That's the old expression, happy wife, happy life. He said we should share our favorite jokes. Well, the one I always remember is the one about Rashashana. It's always late or early but never on time. I find myself always quoting that when Rashashana comes around in the RV's name of course. Thank you for all the subjects you cover and never disappointing. It's the way you tell over your material with wit, humor, seriousness, deepness, sensitivity, truth, and honesty. Gosh, I wish my mom was still alive. You can't beat that. All the ingredients for a great and meaningful show. Thank you, Rabbi Alowski. A few weeks ago at Thursday night hashkafa, the topic being discussed was Jewish video entertainment. At some point, someone started mentioning entertainment videos with Torah messages and was referring to Rabbi Sid and alike. The second he mentioned your name, the rashiva, Rabbi David Harris started laughing, saying, "Oh, he's so funny. He's almost as good as Rashm Shadron. I thought you'd appreciate that. Yes, I do. First of all, uh David Harris before he was Rashiva, of the whole yeshiva was my rashiva in Rochester and he used to get a kick out of me. And when I was learning in Rochester was not at one of my best uh periods, Rever uh Rey Harris and Rever Dowitz were rush Yeshiva. And in one of these rap sessions, one of the guys told me, he says, "The answer of the video is who's the guest best guy in the yeshiva?" And he says, "Devolamski." He says, "What?" He's not into stuff. He says, "No." But whenever you explain something to him, he cops it right away. And you ever listen to his jokes, you know how fast his mind has to work to come up with those jokes? So to be compared to Shadran by my former Russa, that is of course a tremendous, tremendous cover. Thank you so much. And that's it for this week. Coming to you from the beautiful No Kerat Hotel where we will be here for Pesak. There's only 150 rooms. And I got to tell you, I got people taking six, eight, 10 rooms. So, if you're planning on joining, please take a look at the link uh Castle's Travel Agency and call them up. They don't you can't sign up online over here. They say, "No, no one wants to pay that much money. They want to talk to somebody." So call up Castle, speak to Tippy, tell them I saw Rev Olowski and I want to be part of his family Pesak program and after you sign up and we're going to send you a whole questionnaire if you want to be part of my seder, if you want to have your own seder, if you want to get a private seder, if you're Coen, a ley is or a yeas to be decided. We'll have a lot of questions for you, you know, but uh but for now, if you're interested in coming, we'd love to have you. And that's it for now. Until next time, I am David Olowski, and this has been the Rabbi Olowski Show. >> It's the Rabbi Orloski Show. Torah and Simka, ready to go. The Rabbi Olowski Show. Knowledge and wisdom will help you grow. Lots of fun in every episode. And we don't have to rhyme, though. It's the Rabbi orski show on Rabbi orski.com. Torah anytime, YouTube, and more. It's Rabbi Oravski show. Torah and ready to go. It's the Rabbi Orski show. Till next time, till we meet again. It's the Rabbi Olowski show. 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