Listeners' questions (Ep. 296)

Hi, this is David Alowski and welcome back to the Rabbi Alowski show. And whether you're watching with our friends over at Tory Time who are our new producers or whether you watch or listen to your podcast, as always, it's good to have you along for the experience. Some people watch, some people listen, some people call up on the telephone to listen with Torah anytime wherever you are. It's uh uh the tens of thousands of people who get from this show. my new producer, Ari told me, he says, "There's a whole backlog of questions and comments. Nobody's been managing them." And uh he started going through them. He says, "Do you know how many emails you get of people telling you how much they get from this?" And I was like, "Nope." So, I'll send you a few. So, you know what? Maybe before I do that, let me read my sponsorship. Yoseph and Dr. Kana Richmond. Hi, Rabi. My wife and I love your show and we gain so much from listening to you. We love your powerful insights and incredible sense of humor and we are constantly amazed by how you use both to weave your way through so many complicated topics all the while coming out with a practical real world application. That is so nice because uh you figured out there's a method to my madness. I used to give a share every other moi shabas in Harnov. There used to be hundreds of people who come. Now it's like two people. But when I used to do it, people uh would say to me, "What is your goal with this year?" And I said, "I have four goals when I give a sh." I said first of all it's got to be because I have people who would come to the show who would tell me I was always amazed that they would come but uh but they would come and they they they would uh they enjoyed the Tory that I had to say and the I had to say and then other people come and they say I coming for the inspiration I can't get out to many sh and you know here ineli shabas that's your entire weekend as you go from shabas shabas then Sunday morning you're back to work so that someone's giving me their entire weekend so they want to be inspired and then it's got to be entertaining because today that's where we are we want to be entertained in our Torah part of that is not just for my audience part of that is for me because if it's boring I'll fall asleep I hate speeches I always have there are pictures of me on panels where I'm on a panel with like three or four other people and I always have the same expression. It's like I just I can't I can't always handle speeches but it should be entertaining. And the fourth thing is it should be practical. Yeah. Lilas it has to be practical. So you basically figured out my whole uh my whole system over here and you know that when we talk about it might be the most mundane topic there's always in there sometimes you don't realize it in fact I used to have a guy come to my shabashir and he'd always have a good time and one time he couldn't come he listened to the tape and he says you know I don't realize it when you're talking because I'm having such a good time but you say a lot of deep things. I said, 'What are you trying to do? Kill my parnosa? Just say he's funny. Leave it at that. But um uh but the idea that you know uh hopefully it'll be practical and it'll be meaningful and something that people are going to enjoy and get something out of. Yeah. So I wanted to sponsor a show in honor of my wife on our 5th anniversary on September 6th, the 17th of El. That is beautiful. This is the second dedication to spouses that we've had. And uh gentlemen and ladies, you know, if you care about your loved ones, you will sponsor an episode for them. If not, then you're going to have to sign up for my online sham bias course, and that's going to be more expensive. Trust me. I wanted to thank Hashem for blessing me with such an as and my prayer is that all the singles in Clay Israel who are looking to get married will be blessed with finding such an asious kyle. Um that's about the man. I'm hoping that the girls don't find such an asyle but find a wonderful bent. Listen, I know it's controversial today but here on the Rabolowski show we take stances. if not before this rash is certainly married before the next. Amen. Lastly, I wanted to give Rabolovski a bra that you should continue to share Torah in good health and strength for many years to come. Thank you so so much. And uh as it happens, I I I mentioned that there is a backlog of uh questions. There are also some comments. Uh I wanted to read a couple of the comments that were sent to me. Whatever whatever my producer sends to me, I basically I read. Yeah. Thanks for all the wonderful and support you give to I'm a learning yes and listening to your is a form of for me and gives me to carry on trying. Hashem should bench you with only and thank you so much and I can't tell you how much that means that to know that you know I'm helping somebody who's in yeshiva that to me is so important. I'm a mass bak in America who has secular studies. I can't put my or many of my friends appreciation for you and your show into words. So I will just say thank you so much and hope you can derive the heartfelt appreciation invested in the statement. Isn't that beautiful? Okay. So uh um so that's that's what goes. But now I have a backlog of questions. It's so interesting. When the podcast first started, I spoke for about 40 45 minutes and uh as time went on, um I started talking more, which is a little counterintuitive cuz you'd think after like 300 hours, you know, you'd get tired after a while. We're coming uh to our sixth year anniversary, we're about to start our seventh year, and we're coming up to our 300th episode. So, uh this is going to be a milestone. Yeah. Uh I should announce uh that um if anyone is going to be in Israel or in uh you're in Israel and you would like to come for a filming of the show, you know, just contact us and we let you know. We've had a studio audience for the past few shows and uh anybody's welcome to come and see how the magic happens. And it's really exactly what you're looking at. People could not believe it. They said, "You mean this is it? You this is the bookcase and you just this is the chair and you just sit in front of it and and that's the side, right? That's it. There's nothing else. There's this is where the magic happens." So, um, people are welcome to come and to see. And I'm I'm sure for the anniversary show, we're going to have to do something special. So, anybody who uh who uh would like to participate in that, I'm not sure what it's going to be yet because you know, I AI hasn't told me what I'm going to be speaking about, but you know, so anyway, you'd think that after all this time I would run out of things to say, but apparently not. You know, I still find more stuff to say to the point where I talk too much than I've had a number of episodes where I didn't even get to any questions. So the the questions are backlogging and uh this is a big problem. I'm going to tell you something. I may have even mentioned this in a different podcast. I don't remember what I say. Steven Kovi in the seven habits of highly effective people talks about time management. And he says there have been four iterations of time management. The first thing was a to-do pad. I used to remember this when I used to uh go to the printers in the 1980s when I was running NCSY. They would give out, you know, free things that they would print up just as advertising. And what was a to-do list? Just make a list of all the things you have to do. The problem is if you've ever tried a to-do list, you write down six things to do today. You do two of them, and then tomorrow you add another six things, and you just keep falling so far behind that you never catch up. Um, I think it was John Ford. I might not be correct. I'm sure my my fact checkers out there will check me out, but uh he was a famous director and uh the studio said, you know, you're a week behind schedule. And he calls over the script boy with the script and he says, how many pages do we film a day? And he says, uh, six pages. So he takes the script at random, rips out 42 pages, throws it on the ground, and he says, "Now we're on schedule." Now, I don't want to do that with all the questions that I've received. Just throw them away. Um, you know, every now and then someone says to me, you know, I sent you an email and you never responded to it. Let me explain to you why. because my email program, which is Outlook, uh gives you a little window where you can only see like six emails at a time and 20 emails download at a time. And so the emails keep moving further and further down. And when I do get around to answering them, I answer the ones that I can see, and the ones that have sunk down, I have to scroll down to go and find them, etc. That's a much more involved job. And um and so uh I I mean to do that by the way. I'm going to take a day. I don't know when. Uh bleeder and I'm just going to go and and you know see how many of these things I can run through at a time and go through. I remember somebody wrote me a question. And uh I I got around to answering it. And the person said to me, I sent this to you 4 years ago. I said, "Well, I hope it wasn't an emergency." Anyway, but uh so we have a backlog. So I said, "You know what? I'm going to take an episode and just get through as many of these questions as have been here and uh you know, the ones that I have over here." and um just you know just try to just try to plow through them and see what's happening. So uh okay by anonymous and I have to say this is one of the biggest problems that anonymous asks the most questions. Anonymous keeps asking questions and uh it almost leaves me no room for anybody else. Hi Rabbi, thank you so much for this sharum and cheer that you bring into my life. I listen to your podcast constantly and wait each week for the new one to come out. I have a question. In every base Yakov school, they're always telling you that to grow in Yiddish kite, you need to work on something. That's in quotes, which is incredibly vague. Yes, it is. What does it mean to grow? How can a person achieve growth? And more importantly, what are steps to take to work on something? How do I find what to work on and how to do it? I hope that was clear. Thank you so much again for the you give me and all of Israel. So that I didn't answer these questions beforehand because says that this is the key to the key to is that you have to make a nephesh. I have to say this just for a moment because I for many years taught um and in Zahirus. He stresses the importance of that he says that without you will stand no chance of defeating your um Yeshua. If you um if you make a in this world then will give you Yeshua Hashem. Without that you cannot defeat the and every year when I teach it girls tell me that they heard from teachers sometimes in the seminary I was teaching or sometimes in high school we can't make a nephesh today because it'll just depress us. Well, that is one of the most depressing things I've ever heard because if that's the case, what it basically means is that the only way to be able to save yourself and to grow in your is by making which is all about is the first step on the road to achieving. And if you take that away, what are you supposed to do? So the answer is it's like checking for bugs, right? There is a way to check fruits and vegetables to make sure that there are no bugs. I will tell you a story and I'm not pusing but I'll tell you a story. I heard this from two people. Um there are people who do not eat figs and dates because the mak to have bugs and I heard from two different people who said they saw Shinberg cut it open hold it up and look at it and say that I don't see anything here it's fine and he would eat the figs and the dates. Now, perhaps he just had much better vision than everybody else. Um, I don't know. Uh, I know in Israel, people are constantly sifting their flour now. I'm here uh almost 40 years. Full disclosure, when I first came, sometimes sometimes, rare occasions, but sometimes you would find little bugs in flower. But starting about 20 years ago, I never found one bug. And I and I I'm talking about kilos and kilos that I sifted. And I asked a very and he says if tak you don't find any bugs then it's not like to have bugs. You don't have to sift it. I'm not pasking. I'm not that kind of a rabbi. Yeah. just telling you my I uh my uh my trainer and friend for many years Michael Friedman told me that he uh used to uh uh work with certain Russia yeshiva exercising and he asked two of them how do you prepare strawberries? They both told him the same thing that you have to uh cut off the top and cut it in half and put it in warm soapy water you know and swish it around and if you don't see anything in the water you know rinse it off and it's fine. So he says but there are other piskim who say you know that you can't eat them. So so both of them gave the same answer. He says then tell them not to eat it. So he made a maha he told me and he told his kids, "I'll give you 50 shekels for every bug you find in strawberries." They were sitting there with um toothpicks taking off the little black seeds on the outside. Says, "One time I paid out because there was a fly in the box that had landed in the box." So um so what happens? So people don't eat fruits and vegetables. Why? Not because it can't be eaten but because for many people h has been replaced with bessernish bess. Uh I know I have uh uh people who are not um familiar with certain basic Yiddish phrases. It means better not. Better not. That's not that's not you know it doesn't work that way. There has to be ha. So there's a way to prepare fruits and vegetables and therefore so people say well because there's a problem with bugs you know instead I'll eat potato chips and corn chips you know I'll drink soda you know I mean but there's a fruits and vegetables are an essential part of your diet you need it the nutrients Um, I remember, you know, I've I've been I've been a professional dieter most of my life. And um, and you know, very often they say the reason you're always hungry is because you're starving. I you you ate all day. You didn't eat anything that gives your body nutrition. I heard a story. I don't know if it's true, but I'm not pesakron, so I don't care. um that uh they gave a box of Froot Loops to some rats and they ate the box because they sensed there was more nutrition in it than in the Froot Loops. Amazing. But um uh you know so the answer is not don't eat fruits and vegetables. Figure out how to check them properly. Yeah. And if and if not, then get somebody to do it. Woody Allen said, uh, you know, he went to a when he was younger, he went to one of these, you know, self-defense courses to learn how to defend himself, and then he realized he was never going to succeed. So, he just paid the teacher to walk him home at night. So, okay. So, get somebody who knows how to do it. Today, you can get bug-free vegetables and you can get uh sifted flour and you get everything, you know, if you if you're nervous. But the answer is not don't don't eat fruits and vegetables. The same thing by the fact that people do wrong and then based upon that they say uh well I can't I you know I can't do is too difficult. They're making a terrible mistake. So um so let's address your question, right? Which is what does it mean to change and how do I do it? Because it's vague. Of course it's vague. Everything is vague. If you saw last week's uh uh episode where I was speaking with Rabbi Rdman, I said when you ask people what to do during el chuva and I say chuva chuva, you know, and sukus chuva, you know, and in between chuva, you know, and chuva and chuva, you know, but it doesn't help me. I I need specifics. So said these are the four steps you have to do during l in order to be able to walk into rashash and listen closely. Um and I'm pretty sure I must have said this earlier but like I say six years my gosh 300 hours who remembers what I said. Um, and I'm that's me talking because I have met a dozen people who know everything I've ever said and recite it back to me before I can finish a line, you know, but I'm the only one who doesn't remember what I say. Um, four steps he says. Step number one is who do you want to be at the end of your life? Very important. Um I used to say this for years but then I saw Steven Kovi says it in uh the seven habits. So I'll quote him. He says every business needs a mission statement. What what is our prime directive? What are we trying to do? Yeah. um the uh he tells a story where he was in a hotel and he was shocked by the service that he was receiving from everybody in the hotel. He asked a question of somebody where something was or how do I get this and the guy was up on top of a ladder cleaning the the window. He climbed down and walked to the office and got it from everybody. He says so I sat down with the manager and I said how how I I teach people how to you know run businesses and service organizations. what did you do? He says, "We had a meeting with everybody on the staff, the managers, the catering, the uh housekeeping, the bellhops, you know what I mean? The uh the front desk, you know, uh the maintenance people, everybody. And we said, we want to be a successful business so that we all make money and we're all successful. What do you think we should do?" And we all talked it through. And as a group we came up with provide the best service to our customers that you can. And we were all uh accepted upon ourselves that beyond anything else. Anything else we do is not as important as taking care of our customers. That's a mission statement. And because they had clear what it was that they wanted to do, right? They were able to be successful. He says, "People need a mission statement, their own personal mission statement." And he says, "That's called a eulogy. Write your eulogy. What is the life that you wanted to have led at the end of your life when you look back?" And most people have no idea. Most people don't know what they want. Most people don't plan their lives out. And if they do, they plan a couple years ahead. Um, you know, to to to think who do I want to be when I'm 90. Um, it used to be the average age was under 70. That's why they made the retirement age at 65. You retire at 65, you got three or four years to play golf and then you die. That's it. You know, now people live to their 80s and 90s and you planned your life to what? 40. So, who do I want to be at the end of my life? And be as descriptive as you can. Write it out. Dream your dreams. Now is the time to dream dreams. This that's this part of the equation. Sit down and say to yourself, really think it through with as much detail as you can. I've told this story many times. Somebody said to me, "What do you want people to say at your funeral?" Look, he's moving. But if not that, you know, think about it. What is it that I want to have accomplished? And write it down with as much detail as you possibly can. That's number one. Number two is take on a small cabala for this coming year. Not he says one. I say not more than three but they have to be small because based on your question when it comes to changing there are three areas there are things that I could change easily very easily right I'll give you a simple cabala that mama you could do almost anybody could do put it stucker box someplace that's convenient And every day put in a coin. Something easy. Yeah. Something that doesn't hurt. They say when they asked him for a kabala, what what kind of kabala? He says, well, I was mabo myself that when I bench on shabas, I'm going to use a bencher. That's story's been making the rounds for years. Is it true? I don't know. I'm not bas. That's the story I heard. But it means something small. And that's why the So again, there are things you could change easily. There are things that you could change with effort. You could do it, but it's it's hard. And there are things that are impossible for you to change right now. Who you are. I just got a very painful uh email. Someone who says um I'm in my 50s and I'm just a terrible person. I have terrible midos. And he starts listing all of his terrible midos. He says, "Am I a gle of a Russia? I mean, well, why am I why am I so how do I do this?" I'll tell you what you don't do. What you don't do is say, "Okay, tomorrow no more bad measles." Tada! Time's up. You're cured. It doesn't work that way. So that's why there are things that people could change, but but but I can't do it now. And for some reason, whenever people will take on cabalas before, they take it from the third category. So they say, "I'm never going to speak again." Okay, assuming that you're a Boshara or or play one on television, it's going to be very hard for you to give that up. Cold turkey. I don't know where that expression is from. I really like cold turkey. Anyway, so you don't do that. So people take on a kabala. I'm never going to think of her again. And then they do. And then what happens? and then they uh feel bad and it reinforces in them you see I can't change. So if you took on one, no more than three very small kabalas to the point where you look at your cabalas and say that's nothing. Great. Then that means you will succeed. Based on your question, you sound like you're a regular watcher of the of the show. So, you know, one of my favorite expressions, everybody does what everybody does because that's what everybody does. And so, you're asking the question, they tell us to change. How do you change? I don't know how to change. Of course not. Cuz most people are very content where they are. And nobody thinks any more or goes any further. And you read your Emily Dickinson and I'm my Robert Frost. And we mark our place with bookmarkers that measure what we've lost. What a sad song. Oh, sorry. I'm going to go to sad. It's music to kill yourself by. But it's like, yeah, people just go on. Life goes on and nobody becomes any better. And people make the same mistakes in their 20s and their 40s and their 60s because they they don't have a method. So take some something small for this coming year. That's it. And then you say to yourself, okay, I succeeded. Look at that. I can change. Lordy, lordy. Yeah, jumping Jehoshaphat. I actually can change. So you know what that gives you? The strength to change something else. But if you set unrealistic expectations, then yeah, you're going to fail and you're going to fail over and over again, and you're going to reinforce the notion that you can't change. So the reason it's vague is because it depends on the person. So every now and then you meet somebody who says, "I've been maboing myself. I'm not going to listen to go music. Okay, for some people that would be a silly cabala because they never listen to go music if you will. Um, and other people say I couldn't handle that. I can't live with that. It used to be after discovery discovery seminar people would have a meeting with noberg and they're totally non-observant and they say I want to start doing something and he would give them a category says could you keep kosher says no. Could you give up cheeseburgers? No. Could you give up shellfish? Maybe clams. Okay. But cowboy yourself I'm not going to eat clams. Yeah. Can you keep Shabas? No. Um, can you not drive on Shabas? No. Can you not go shopping on Shabas? Okay. So, Mabo on yourself that I'm not going to go shopping on Shabas. There were doc workers who used to uh uh who used to work on chabas and sal said to them if you're going to work shabas at least don't smoke when you say I have to keep shabas I have to keep shabas but don't smoke that you don't have to do right there was a time in America where if you didn't work shabas it was almost impossible to get a And my father told me that on Shabas and Yiff there'd be these very early minyam people would go to schul and davin and then go to work. Whatever I can do I can do. And another one of my favorite expressions just because you can't do everything doesn't mean you can't do anything. So that's step number two. Step number three and this is very important. Choose something a little more challenging for the muva. Not something that's impossible brings for example uh not eating past akum and eating past Israel. If you live in Israel that's very easy but something that's a little bit that you don't plan on keeping the whole year right. Why? What's the purpose of that? Well, I'm not a morning person. I usually dive in at a 7:10 minion. Sometimes I'll go to a 7 o'clock minion and Rokesh I'll sometimes go to a 6:30 minion, but uh during week it could start at 6:15 620. So, uh that's a 7:00. So I have to get up at a4 to 6 and I'm really pushing myself during and one time someone said to me wow look how much extra time you have why don't you get up at this time every morning and I said because I will pass away that's why I cannot handle this I can push myself for a short period of time but I can't do it on a regular basis I just can't the sleep deprivation starts to catch up with you after a while and you start having conversations for with people like you ever talked to someone who's really jet-lagged and you say to them do and they're like going to and they go uh yeah, oh okay because after want that going yeah I'm I'm I'm going to be going. They have no idea what you're saying, but it doesn't make a difference because they're so jet-lagged that they're trying to figure out. They're sure it's their problem. Or somebody once said, "If you ever want to end of a conversation, hang up while you're talking, he'll never hang up on himself." So take something slightly. Now, what's the point over here? We're fooling God. We're going to say, "I'm going to take on something just for a week that I have no intention of doing." So, I'll tell you why. In my opinion, um, I'm addressing myself now to the ladies in the audience. Uh, you're getting ready for a if you're if you're of the male persuasion, it's much easier. You anyway wear a hat and jacket. So, you put on your other hat. Maybe you put on your other shoes. Maybe you put on a tie. Some some people always wear ties, so they don't even do that, you know. And they're done, and they sit on the couch. Well, a team of crack professionals come in to put the women together. Someone's doing their hair, someone's doing their nails, someone's doing their makeup, someone is sewing them into the dress because the dress, if you can sit down, then there's obviously it's not tight enough. They're sewing them into the dress. Inhale. So, uh, why are they doing all this? Because when they get to the hall, they're going to take that picture with the rose, and that's it. Then they're going to go home. They're going to be cut out of their dress. They're going to have to try to take off all the makeup. They're going to remove all the hair, you know, extensions they put and go back to who they regularly are. And then about two months later, they're going to get up one morning wearing their ratty bathrobe and their fuzzy slippers in the shape of an animal and no makeup, hunched over, and they're going to be dragging themselves with a industrial strength coffee. and they pass that picture on the mantelpiece and they say to themselves, "I can't believe I ever looked that good." And the answer is, "You always look that good. You just don't take the time to put yourself together all the time. But you could be more than you are. You're not ready for it yet, but know where you are." as says when we came to the Yamsu we had a Gileina. We weren't on the level for a Gilleshina. God revealed himself to us. That wasn't going to happen till Hari. But very often along the path, God will give you a a glimpse of what's waiting for you at the end of who you could be. That's the third step. And the fourth step is write it down. He says, A is a quill. Yeah. Your pen is your friend cuz in the it's not going to turn into the it's not. But if you write it down and you make it into the mis you make it real. So write down as much as you can who I want to be at the end of my life. what small thing I'm going to change this year? What one thing I'm going to take on for the serious machuva? And write these things down. And that is a practical way to being able to make a change. And now I'll give you one last uh tip on how to make a it's in the I use it a slightly different thing. Let's say you forget to dive in, right? So, you you just forget you forget to dive in or you're not always motivated to dive in, etc. Here's the line that people say. You know, the problem is I never dive in. Now, the odds are that's not true. It might be you often don't do, but you probably don't never do it. So, get yourself, if you're old like me, uh, one of those little notebooks where you um, write down and don't try anything. Just keep track. Every time you dive in, give yourself a check. And every time you don't, you give yourself an X. At the end of the month, add up your checks. Right away, you'll be surprised by how many checks are there because you're sure you never do it. And now you build out from there. Say, "Okay, now I have a consciousness. I want to beat that number next month." Okay. So, the first month I I dive in seven times. the next month because I'm keeping track now. I d 14 times. Next month 22 times. I'm doing great. Next month 21 times. Next month 22 times. Okay, I have now plateaued. So now I need to come up with a tula with a trick or some kind of technique to examine and see why am I not doing. Maybe I need a dinging partner. Maybe I need somebody to remind me. uh I see uh Tuesdays uh I I miss Mkah because uh you know I have a busy day that day where am I going to do it on on Tuesdays how am I going to fit this in etc and you develop a consciousness there are people who have used this method successfully and even after they beat it they still keep counting decades later and you can apply this to anything you can do this with anything see how many times And if you're working on a mida for example, how many times did I lose my temper and how many times did I want to lose my temper and I didn't. Likewise, uh if you get past that, you could then move to how many times did I want to get angry and I didn't and how many times did I not even get upset that I normally would have gotten upset. You can use this for me. You can use this for anything, right? I know somebody who want lived in lived in and he wanted to make sure he went to the kais at least once a month and that's what he had he would have kais on the top of each month give it a check or next did I make it to the kaisel this month or not right okay I hope that is helpful by me ched off after every tishab and during the following lluva season that's where we are asked myself am I really so bad. Am I really playing a part in why the gorilla hasn't arrived or is it actually just everyone else's fault? No. Weber used to do this thing where somebody would come in and he was trying to convince him to stay and learn for a few weeks. So he'd ask him, "Are you a good person or a bad person?" And the person would always say, "I'm a good person." And he says, "Who's more likely to say he's a good person? A good person or a bad person? It's a brilliant observation. Um, Mad Dog, forget his last name. Uh, he was a famous gangster in the Dillinger and Bonnie and Clyde era. Anyway, he had shot a cop. He had robbed all these banks. He did all these terrible things. And as the police were closing on and closing in on him, he said to his girlfriend, "I don't know why this is happening. I can honestly say I've never done anything wrong in my life." They did studies of people on death row who are being sentenced to death. They have very high self-esteem. They don't think they're bad people. Yeah. They can explain away everything. There's a story. It might be apocryphal, but this guy drives to his reformed temple in Yumkipper. And he says to his friend, you know, he says, "You know, Mike, we're so much better than those Orthodox Jews." Says, "Why do you say that?" He says, "I passed by the Orthodox Shaw. Everybody's crying, beating their chest. They must have done lots of bad things here. No one's doing that because we're all good people. You understand the the first step to change is recognizing that I have shortcomings. And if a person can look at themselves and say, "Yeah, I'm perfect. I've never done anything wrong." You're selling yourself short. Now, the way you phrase the question is important because you said, "Am I really that bad?" Well, how bad do you have to be to say, you know, I I I don't know who coined the expression, but if you're not part of the solution, you're part of the problem, right? I I haven't met many uh great people in my life who did not look at themselves as as lacking that I need to improve and I need to grow. So do I need to take all the blame myself? Well, here's the deal. If you want if you take all the blame yourself, then you understand that means it's all dependent just on you. And that's what the wants to make you feel like you're not important. Yeah. Then God cares what I do. I'm going to bring the gula. I'm going to bring Mashiach. Nobody believes it. But if I know that the entire world was created for me and I'm the single most important person in creation and I can bring the gula. People ask me for brahas. I give them readily. First of all, I'm a cohen so I'm part of the union. But besides that, I say to myself, why shouldn't my braha give children to the childless? Perosa to the people who can't feed their family find a for single people why not gave the Jewish people the power of so what does everybody else do I'm not that good I'm not so great I'm not so this forget about it maybe I am I don't know I'm certainly not the worst person in the world I know who that is but uh um but I I I'm looking at from the point of view and that's one of the twisted things you know we say bishola um I think it was Schroeder it was either Schroeder or Lionus I think it was Schroeder says to Lucy everybody was put into this world to make people happy and she thinks about it and she shakes her little fist and says there are a lot of people out there not doing their job. You understand? In other words, it's because I should be looking at it. The world was created for me and everybody is here for me. No, I the the world was created for me and therefore I'm the most important person in creation. I can bring the gula. I can bring the braha. I can solve all the problems. Why not? I've told the story uh beforehand now the founder of Kazak was speaking once when I was speaking and he says I basically started this organization to bring Msiah and people started laughing and he looked at him and said I'm not kidding and was like whoa this guy actually believes it that's right I believe it too why shouldn't I be the one to bring Msiah how do I know and that's why the Yates wants to convince you that what you do is not important that you don't try. By anonymous, does Rabiowski have a method of being able to retain focus when learning alone? It could be quite frustrating to have such a lack of focus, especially as I also have ADD. Yeah, I I make no bones about it. I have ADD. I have dyslexia. I have like basically every learning disability. Whenever they find a new one, they test me for it and I have it, you know. And uh people don't talk about it, which I think is a terrible thing. Uh a fellow contacted me once, he was writing a book on dyslexia and he says, "Can I quote you that you said that you have dyslexia?" And I said, "Yeah." He goes, "You're the only rabbi who will admit to it and I'm sure there are other people who have it." I said, "Yeah, and I certainly have ADD, but nobody will mention it." Yeah. I was speaking once some place and I mentioned about my ADD and this role came over to me and he says count your blessings says you have ADD that just means that your your mind wanders all the time. So you they just sit in the back of the class and you just go he says I have ADHD. I was the one bouncing off the walls. So I was the one who got beaten. They didn't beat you kids. They just left you in the back and forgot about you. Um I gave this at earlier like when it comes to davening ding is very hard cuz my mind wanders. Yeah. Okay. Abraham. Abraham. His son. Abraham took his son Yitk onto Haria to bring him as a corbin. Closest we can get today is the Kaisle. When am I going to the Kaisle again? Where's the park in Mont Miller? Oh, last time my credit card wasn't working. I had to pay the machine. Luckily, I had some cash with me, but otherwise, I don't know why. I have to call the bank. I wonder if I'm overdrawn. Anyway, that's it. I'll never find my way home. The birds ate the breadcrumbs and Hansel and Gretle are lost. So, someone give me an eight, sir. Dive in fast. Keep your focus. Your mind is a muscle. You can train it. Yes, it's harder for us us people with ADD. Yeah, we have a tendency to be more creative, but uh and we're good at multitasking, but to sit down and learn a piece of kamar when our mind is wandering around is very hard. And that's why what we have to do when I try to train myself is as soon as my mind starts to wander I literally shake my head and say okay back what did I say and so when I'm learning I learn it out loud and when I'm kazaring I write it down to help keep myself focused because otherwise I will be around the world three or four times before I find my way back And uh it's an avoda and as people say to me easier said than done and I can only say that everything is easier said than done except for keshma where the saying is the doing okay last week's sponsor according to Torah what is love and it is the same meaning across all healthy relationships including our relation with Hashem Where his love? Does it come from sky above? Is it underneath the willow tree that I've been dreaming of? Uh we put on Oliver when I was in camp and I applied for Mr. Bumble and uh I tried out. They said, "Are you kidding? You're the best actor here. You're going to be Fagan." Which was the major role. So, I did what I often do. I sat down and memorized the entire play, so I know all the songs and all the parts. Uh, when I was in high school, I had a friend who uh was as crazy as I am. And we were reading Pyon in class. Pymalian is the uh George Bernard Shaw play that was later made into a musical um My Fair Lady with a happy ending. Pyon doesn't have a happy ending. Anyway, he got the part of Henry Higgins and I got the part of Alfred Doolittle that it was quite a challenge to be able to put together a Walsh Kne accent. Not everybody can do this. people were actually impressed by my why except anyway. So, uh, we're both crazy. So, everybody's standing there with the book reading and the two of us memorized our parts and we actually came in costume. We're just crazy, you know. That's that's my approach. Anyway, that was from Oliver. Oliver sings that song, not Fagan. And uh um but uh love Yes. that we say in the um all of it is the same thing. Yeah. What is love? Love is drawing close. That's what aava is. Ya. Fear is holding back. I'll tell you something that's very interesting psychologically. When something gets us upset or we disapprove of something, we stare at it. When we really like something, we we're a little embarrassed to look at it because we feel such a strong connection to it. So um love and hate uh similar to ava and ya which is ava is to draw close and hatred is to pull away. You hate something you want nothing to do with it. Now conversely y is the same thing. I'm afraid. Now whether you say I'm afraid or I'm in awe, it's the same thing. You become tongue tied. People aren't able to speak because they know they're in the presence of greatness. And this is uh a very a very important that you can see in people that they um when they when they really want something, when they appreciate something, they want to get closer and closer. And that's why in our relationship with Kesh there's a and there's which means there's always tension because we're trying to get close without getting too close. We want to get close but we don't want to lose that yera that that cover that respect that we have. Yeah. Um like the mission of Perkos that says warm yourself by the hot coals of the but don't come so close that you burn yourself. Aa wants me to be there. Now how does one develop love? Love is aava in Hebrew is from the word have which is give. The more you give the more you love. And that's why people who take they don't have much of relationship. And this is one of the biggest problems of marriages today that people get married thinking what's in it for me. I've met young couples who get divorced after a short period of time. And many of them use the same line. I don't need this. I don't have to put up with this. You know how many you know how many people wanted to marry me? You know what I could have had? I don't need this. because what's in it for me and that's why I remember the bumper sticker I don't know if it was in the 80s or the '9s God what have you done for me lately so if my relation with the kosh is taking and taking and taking and taking instead of giving whereas if it's a relationship where I'm giving then that builds the love and that's why I have asked this question to groups all around the world of all levels of religious commitment. Um, who loves who more? Do parents love children more or do children love parents more? And everybody, no matter where they're coming from, say the same thing. Parents love children more. Why? Because they're giving to their children. Children put it in. I didn't ask to be born. What does that mean? That means you chose this relationship and I didn't. So I'm at a disadvantage in this relationship, which is true. That's true. You are. And uh and that's why very often you see the relationship changes when parents get old and now the the the parents need the children to help them. Uh some of my children believe I'm at that age. I don't think so yet. You know, I don't think I'm that old yet. That infirm. As I told someone, I only look old and infirm. Actually, I'm really quite spry. When I went for one of my uh angria angrioplastes, um so they didn't like one of my kidney functions, so they uh um told me I have to stay in the hospital the night before just to get fluids. There was nothing wrong with me, but I just had to be there to be on a drip all night. So my son says, "I'm going to be there. I'm coming to stay with you." I said, "Absolutely not. You can't come." He says, "I'm coming anyway." I said, "I will have security take you away. There's nothing wrong with me. I'm not sick. I'm not in the hospital. I'm just getting fluids. If if I could get a little drip and bring it home with me, I would do it at home." And so he said to me, my brother died at 63 and one of his sons was learning in Israel and uh and he was about to have this procedure. It was hard procedure and his son asked him, "Dad, should I come home?" He says, "Nah, it's routine. It's fine." And he died. And the kid got very messed up because he missed his father died. And he said to me, "My son, you're telling me it's a routine procedure, but if it if you die and I have that on my conscious the rest of my life, it's going to destroy me. So, I have no choice. I have to come." And I was like, "Wow, what a great line." But, you know, hey, I'm okay. I'm okay. When they cut me open, you know, and uh and I I was I had my my heart surgery. That was pretty bad. But okay, now I'm fine, you know, more or less. Um as well as you can be with diabetes and heart disease, but otherwise I'm fine. Yeah. But as children start to help their parents more, their relationship changes. It's very interesting. And that's love. What's love got to do with it anyway? All you need is love. Yeah. All right. So, uh that's it for now. I didn't get through all the questions, but uh we did a few of them at least. And uh that's it for the this episode. If you want to find out more about the show, you can go to my uh website.com. You can sponsor an episode in honor of your loved one or just to give to the good. Uh you can ask a question, you can leave a comment, you can uh uh sign up for one of our online shimm and that's it for now. Until next time, I am David Olowski and this has been the Rabbi Olowski show. >> It's the Rabbi Orloski show. Torah and Simka ready to go. The Rabbi Olavski Show. Knowledge and wisdom will help you grow. Lots of fun in every episode. And we don't have to rhyme, go. It's the Rabbi Orlovski show on Rabbi Orlowski.com. Torah anytime, YouTube, and more. It's Rabbi Olowski show. Torah and ready to go. It's the Rabbi Orski Show. Till next time till we meet again. It's the Rabbi orski Show. 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