Is It Really The Kids... Or The Parenting?

Hi, this is David Alansky with our question and answer series where in a few minutes we try to answer listeners' questions. Chaim W writes, "Hi, thank you so much for your thoughtful common sense approach to Yiddishkeit and its practical life application. After listening to the Q&A, I went back and listened to episode 302 and I perceived that the issue of children not being respectful to their elders does not come from the children innately being bad people, but rather from the lack of education they would received. They were never told no. If we as parents allow our children at age two to take control of our lives, how can we expect to have a healthy control of their lives when they're older? So, while it's true that this is a more challenging generation, there's still something we are meant to do to make our children with the correct values from when they are young and still learning the world. It may be harder than previous generations where it came more naturally, it's still the utmost importance to show them that the parents are boss and that with me at Hashem, you won't have the issue with your children never heard no. So, okay. Here's the problem. By the way, you definitely right. You should definitely try to to as much as you can and a person should not throw up their hands and and give up. No, absolutely [clears throat] not. But here's the problem. The problem is that all chinuch throughout history was based on an assumption. I am the parent and you are the child and I tell you what to do and you listen. That that the society destroyed that. So, does that mean I'm helpless? No. But it means that a lot more of parenting is negotiation than what it used to be. So, you could just come down and say, you know, I'm I'm the mom, I'm the dad, I said so, that's why and that's it. And that'll get you to a certain extent. But only because the children know that you have credibility. And so, when they're very little, okay, they'll listen to their mommy and daddy. But you can see little kids say things like shut up to a parent. Little kids or I hate you. They don't even realize what they're saying. Once I had one of my little kids say to me, "I hate you, Abba." I said, "I'm not that crazy about you." Kid burst into tears. He didn't even realize what he was saying. And so, whereas in past generations, we were all struggling to survive together and we understood the papa the papa tradition and everybody, you know, understood their place and where we go. It was a lot easier. Now, we have to establish who we are. The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People, he talks about the emotional bank account. He says, "And you can make a withdrawal as long as you've made enough deposits." So, you have to work very hard to establish credibility with your children. >> [snorts] >> And the more Listen, when you're a teacher, a teacher is an actor. Everyone teacher knows that. You can't come in one day and say, "Look, I'm in a bad mood. Keep quiet and then just do your work and don't talk to me." You know? You have to be the same tipus. You have to look the same way every single day. That's what it is to be a teacher and that's what it is to be a parent. Parent can't indulge themselves. Yeah? I know somebody wrote a column. I don't want to mention his name in case he regrets having written the column, but he says one time he got really crazy. He started screaming at his kid and he really lost it, you know? And after he went out, his wife said, "M- Our son turned to me and said, 'And he's supposed to be a chinuch expert.'" >> [laughter] >> And he realized he made a mistake. We make mistakes. But if you've made enough deposits in the emotional bank account, you're entitled to some make some mistakes. But the more that we establish a relationship with our kids and they understand we have their best interest in mind and we work on it. So, yes, should we set limits as much as we can. Needless to say. No, we're not just mafke and say tell kids, "No, you can't have that uh you know, if a kid has a knife, you take it away from them. Kid's trying to stick a uh bobby pin into a socket. I don't know what the fascination is, but I've seen it more than once. You know, you pull it away from them. If the only way you can get through to them is to give them a patch on the hand, you give them a patch on the hand. No. You have to speak loudly. You speak loudly. I mean, obviously, their safety comes first. But you have to be very careful because today's generation, you know, as somebody said, it used to be where parents saved up for their child's college fund or their wedding fund. Now they save up for their uh for their therapy bills, you know? Everybody comes out, you know, we we make our kids crazy, yeah. So, uh in the old days, everyone just accepted, "Listen, these are my parents and you work with what you got." So, yes, should you just say, "Well, I give up"? Absolutely not. You have an obligation. Is it harder today? Yes, it's harder. Can we do it? Can we succeed? You know, there was a fellow in Europe who always when kids were going off, all his kids came out good. And someone asked him, "How did you do it?" He said, "How did I do it? I fasted every Monday and Thursday and I said to Hillel every day." >> [laughter] >> You got to see other than this Maya. And that's the key. That's the key. So, yeah. No, you should not give up and you have to do the best that you can to be able to move forward and be successful. This is David Alansky with the question and answer series.