Get Ready to Change your Davening (Meaningful Tefila #6 - Ep. 152)

hi this is doug dolowski welcome back to the rabbi yolowski show over 150 of these we've done already pretty amazing huh anyway uh i want to start with our sponsorship lavsky i greatly enjoy listening to your podcast and even sometimes go back to listen to older episodes i do sometimes too uh this episode is sponsored anonymously this quiz for three couples i know and they should each have a happy and healthy child this year bisha atova and she asks please do not read the names of the couples but i will be mithikaven if you'll give me one second and uh we should be blessed with kendall and uh it's hashem so thank you for that and it should be a big squish for them uh okay we're talking about temila on the subject of three diving for me and i'll dive in for you yeah on the subject of children it's uh very effective very effective tefila darwining for other people rashi says by sarah sarah davend for avi melech and she got answered first so when you're diving for somebody else yeah it's a uh it's a very powerful thing so i'll dive in for you and i've been for me anyway so uh yeah 100 all right we're talking about kavona we're talking about uh working on concentration my brother-in-law of david lichtman i heard him speaking once and he said something that i found particularly incisive uh that i've really tried to incorporate he says when you dive in the most important line of tifila is not even punishment it's right at the beginning hashems hashem opened my mouth so that i can doubt it the first feeling is i should be able to darven and you it says a little strange i have to dive in that i should be able to darven because siata de shmaya when it comes to tefila is such an important thing let me tell you a story it's it's kind of mind-blowing i heard this from somebody many many years ago i never tried to verify it i'm not pesach crone now actually goes and checks out all his stories i hear something and i say it over but um there was a woman it was a girl in the veyusha line and there's this uh idea of being able to go to the coastal go to the western wall for 40 days and dive in 40 days straight to be able to get something i'm in a story inside of a story uh there's a fellow rabbi stefanski who gives a very large daphyomishir um in person he gets a very large it's in beijing in person it gets very large attendance and there are many people who listen uh um listen online and if you join they give you a free article gomorrah it's a it's it's a tremendous uh sheer so i spoke at their cm on yuma just before um the nine days and uh he told the story he said i wanted to do this schooler to be able to dive in 40 days and this is not an easy thing you have to go the same time of day every single day and so you have to work out shabbos and arab shop it's emotional when do you go and how do you handle it and there's many conditions to be able to make this work he says but i went and i did it for 40 days and what did i ask for i wanted to be able to have a shear where i could teach shots choices she said so when i was in america i had a small you know little kabura in brooklyn and i said okay this is because baruch who gave it to me you know gave me my request because i had no idea what he had in store for me in the future when i would come to show and i would end up with hundreds of people listening to my share which is a tremendous thing and and i really it made a big impression on me because if you could go to the castle for 40 days and diving for something is that what you would choose obviously i never went for 40 days to the castle and if i did i wouldn't have chosen that and that's why my daughter's share is not so big but it is a lot of fun but i just remember i thought what an amazing thing i don't know if you could go what would you ask for we talked about this a couple of podcasts ago when we talked about you know vacation what would you ask for yeah so it was a girl in the va and she asked to be able to diamond with kaplan she went 40 days to the cursor to davin that she had should be able to have kevon she reached day 20 something and she stopped and a friend said why and she said because i would open up the sitter and my whole body would start shaking and tears would start pouring down my face it was too intense i couldn't handle it real carvana yeah you have it it's if you can reach it there would be a keeper with davin and he'd find himself on the other side of a river the gemara says if you're dividing shimano and a snake curls around your foot well don't stop dabbing because the snake's not gonna bite you unless you instigate it if it's a scorpion okay you have to walk away but uh snake so what are you worried about i don't know i find that when i'm diving and there's a fly uh flying around my head that's enough to kill whatever little bit of come on i had going in but uh but to ignore a snake that's uh that's really something else but the first thing is you have to dive in that i can darven you have to ask hakush baruch who helped me be able to darwin because you need see this maya for everything in this world uh my rebbe ruby oliwick i had this course of having it was a rebbe when i came to israel my first year and uh he he told the interesting story he had been teaching in khadarim for many years and they wanted him to teach uh mishnays to a fifth grade class and uh he was like yeah i could do that with my eyes closed it's very simple at that point in my life i had enough experience and i felt confident enough and i had a terrible year i wasn't and then i realized because every time before i would teach i would dove and that i should be matslach and that time i was so confident i didn't dive in france lafayette i've had the swiss of hearing robbie left speak many times the rev moshav matasiyo and every time he gets up i've seen this dozens of times the first thing he does is he goes over to the owen kodesh takes the paroches and says a little tafila before he starts um i've spoken many many times in my life i'm nervous every single time and i mentioned a few podcasts ago when i talked about how i look for something good that's happened in my life when i darven if i speak and it goes over well that's that's i always go right to that because it's maya listen i have i have certain speeches that i give that i know are very successful and sometimes i give it to a crowd and it's okay and sometimes it doesn't go over now sometimes they're a difficult audience but that doesn't help you know it's if you're uh if you're a speaker you can't say i gave a great speech it's your fault that you didn't enjoy it i mean you could do that but you won't get invited back again yeah it's being a speaker is probably the hardest profession because if you're a teacher so you can show i taught the material i gave out the test i gave up my marks if you're a plumber you know i fixed the toilet yeah flush you see it works it works you don't believe me bring it another plum i have him re check my work these things are absolute when it comes to a speaker it's mostly after this maya either people like you or they don't like you either they enjoy what you had to say or they don't it doesn't matter that it worked 20 other times this is the time that it matters and uh if that audience didn't get it it's it's it's up to you i uh when i was teaching discovery so one time uh you know it's very dramatic and the the classes are more or less worked out and i've given them many times they brought in this uh this smarty program and a duty and i'm going through this stuff and they don't care they're throwing paper airplanes is that i'm gonna come to the other dramatic but it's not working so i switched you know because i listened you know here in airtel we have from radio stations and every now and then you listen to one of these uh sweaty mageedum they have a particular standard of speaking that i would never really feel comfortable with but desperate times demand desperate measures so i said i said so what do we learn from everything do you want to go to get hand on do you want to get hand done and they all stopped like a metro if i met i said what's going to be you want your wife to be faithful you want your children on drugs do you want your children on drugs no rev no rafa and i just the whole place turned around they were kissing my hand at the end it was a just an amazing thing and i was just imitating what these guys do on the radio it doesn't come naturally to me but i i told this story once upon a time that uh this education expert was meeting with the teachers and says let's go around the room and everyone say what you teach so i teach history i teach chemistry yeah i teach uh you know english i teach so he says nobody gave the right answer you teach students and so when you get up to speak i'm not getting up to give a speech otherwise you could just listen to a recording i have to speak to the people who are there i have to figure out what they want to hear and what they need to hear and and that takes seattle it's completely because you can get up and give the same exact speech to two audiences and one place changes their lives and the other one so you've got to dive in before we get up to speak so you're going to darven before you dive and hashem open up my lips let me be able to say the words because it's a gift it's a gift to be able to dominate to be able to have that carvana and it's not easy now um what are some of the things we can do and i've mentioned this in the past i have add for me to concentrate is a real a voda anytime and about anything so for me it's a particular challenge but even those of you who are you know more uh more um educationally secure than i am and don't have all of these uh these handicaps it's still a challenge so very often in sure you'll see in front of the schleichtebor there's a little sign shivisi hashem le negditamin and there was a time that everybody had a little piece of cloth that they would have shivers i am talking to a kurdish bargain and that's very important i have to remember that hashem is really there and i'm talking to hashem what an opportunity it's a tremendous focus to be able to say hashem is right here listening to me now and even if that's all i walk away with if i dive and then all i focused on was the fact that i'm standing before kris barucho and talking to that is a tremendous madrega i said years ago when a person's been coming from they go through three stages first they dive very slow because they don't know what they're saying i used to run ncsy and we used to have the transliterated benchers at the end of the meal catamaran people are following along sounding it out in the english [Music] sound is a little difficult for people so it takes a while to learn how to do it because it's just it's a struggle and then after a while we get so good at it it's root we push the darvening button no no no no [Music] uh-huh and that's it i had a guy who was becoming about two men um i was having it at home remember what happened it was a snowstorm or something i don't remember i couldn't get my mile in the quarter to go to shore i think i was at my house and he says uh you can't dive in milk and read the paper and i said no it goes oh because i said this other guy he was reading the paper was happening and i said how can you read the paper because yes david and i just push the little dominating button [Music] and it doesn't you know it doesn't bother me at all the darkening is going on behind me that's why sometimes you can see people darkening on their phones and uh now i'm being facetious because when i see the doubting on their phones what i mean is that they happen to have the text of the sitter on their phone i don't have to carry a sitter with them but i said that's great you know you could probably just program your phone to dive in for you so you don't even have to dive in you know just set it and you know say oh man it's four o'clock and push the little button and it'll differ for you so uh so he the guy says no no i need a minion i said no problem it can call nine other phones and they're all diving together in fact you could put it on vibrates it'll even chuckle for you [Laughter] but uh you know first you dive in slow because you just don't know what you're saying and then once you get it down you're diving fast then you have to learn how to dive and slow again but it's the same thing with anything when you're learning how to dance you're spending the time learning all of the little moves and then you can do it automatically and then you have to add the feeling into it that's the difference between a person who's dancing by rote and a person who's putting themselves into it it's a whole different thing and the same thing is true about speaking the same thing is true about teaching you can you can just do it or you can do it with a tremendous amount of feeling you can put yourself into it and that takes a lot more effort so uh uh so this is the problem the problem is when people do it by root what uh the navi calls uh mitsubishi melemuda they do it out of habit and they they don't stop to think about it when i when i was younger and i was first learning how to daven um so there was a process and after a while i got it down pretty good but comes yum kipper yum kippur was a mystery what do we do now what do we say now what is this what is that now barak hashem and age well even young kippers wrote i've done it so many times yeah it there's no mystery left in it anymore but it's not supposed to be the mystery mr shem if you get married you'll know this if you're already married you know this for the most part you wake up every morning and it's the same person there okay so sometimes people have multi multiple personality disorder and then you get to be with different people during the day but for the most part it's just the same person what makes what makes that relationship special is not that every day there's a new person there what makes it special is under the understanding of that person and working with that person and and the the repetition that comes from being with that person is the same you want to answer three times a day most of the days of the year except for holidays because every day is basically the same day you're married to the same person you've got the same children you got the same parents you know you got the same job most days are the same and so you uh you have to learn how to make that meaningful i apologize uh in advance for um for a secular reference um but uh it's such a great martial i mentioned this once that somebody once asked the imagine shapiro if you're allowed to read english literature so he says well you know if you hold it it's so someone says it's a tremendous chakra because you can use it as a marshal so but there was a film with bill murray where he's a weatherman and uh he predicts the wrong weather and he has to go to pascawani uh pennsylvania for groundhog's day you're gonna bring the ground he hates his job he hates this it's a miserable place it's a miserable town and uh it's just it's like the worst day of his life he wakes up in the morning and it's the same thing and day after day he wakes up and it's the same exact day and he says at one point i remember i was on vacation in the caribbean i was on the beach i had a cold drink you know why couldn't i live that day over and over again why does it have to be groundhog's day in pasagohani pennsylvania you know the worst day of my life there's this insurance agent who comes over and hassles him you know he falls into a puddle he's uh everything is just terrible just terrible day yeah and he wakes up the next day and it's the same day again he tries killing himself he tries killing himself in different ways doesn't help wakes up it's the same thing he tries stealing money buying himself a car he's doing that wakes up at the same thing starts over and over again and at some point he realizes this is the only day i have and he works to make that day the best day of his life and at the very end it is the most successful day possible and he says to one of the other characters this was the best day of my life and he wakes up the next day and it's tomorrow i read once in an article somebody made a heisman of what happens in the film it had to have been about 40 years he was stuck in this one day reliving the same day for 40 years and i thought that's such a brilliant muscle because that's what every one of us do we live the same day over and over again until we get it right and then we move on to the next day and every day are the same challenges and we're more or less the same person and we more or less have to make ourselves the best day out of what we have and that's it you know it's fantasy is fun it's fun to pretend what if i had a different existence what if i was a different person what if i get i hate to keep going back to the same theme what if i get bitten by a radioactive spider which by the way they changed it they retrograded to a dna altered spider because you know stan lee a jewish guy he said i guess if you get radioactive blood you'd probably die i think it would make you stronger you know but uh you know you're not becoming a superhero you're not winning the lottery you know it's going to be the same day with the same challenges over and over again you have to get up in the morning you got to go to show you got to go to work you got to work with your your marriage work on your kids work on your voters hashem you know worry about how you're going to pay the bills every day is going to be more or less the same day and that's what shmona esri is it's expressing truth in our lives that's why they had to be written by naveem it has to be something where we're working within what we've got because that's all we have so we we approach a day and we say okay i have to take advantage of this day so you're right at the beginning dividing is very exciting what do i say when do i stand when do i sit when do i this you know i remember i was a kid in school in the uh in the classroom in seventh grade we moved into the into the minion you know where they you know there were eighth graders already bar mitzvah they were they had a regular minion yeah uh at some point everyone went like this and the seventh graders we were sitting in the front you know the seventh eighth and ninth yeah and we all looked around and went like what's going on so so we all went down we went like this yeah so i asked one of the ninth graders i said what's that i don't know i came in in seventh grade and i saw everybody doing it so i started doing it too it's uh it's an amazing thing to to say how am i going to make what i have meaningful tila is set up in a way for us to be able to build ourselves up it doesn't start at the beginning of zimra says the morgan of ram uh liz zamer can mean to sing but in shabbos zamer means to prune a tree and so the mugen of ram says psuka de zimmer means it's a process of removing all of the foreign thoughts from you so that you can focus on it and this is so unfortunate a lot of people miss puget zimmer they come late they do the kwiki berkshire feinstein says if you're going to do that at least throw in miserable soda it doesn't take any more time you know throw that in too yeah that's it they'll add a halal or two you know but uh they're just they're they're missing it but sugar december is there to suit the zimran these are the the the prokim that we say that can trim away all those thoughts and help us to focus so first there are the brothers and um in the time of the gemara you said those brachas as you woke up i understand spartans still do it that way i'm not sure but that's uh that's what uh someone told me once yeah you open your eyes you say okay you sit up you say my tears are him you stand up you say it's okay for family you get dressed you say melbourne yeah you say the uh brachas as you go through the process so when you get to shul what are you starting with you're starting with carbonaries a lot of people have never even seen corbanos you're describing the carbonos why because uh the gemaran broncos says tefila is it based on the fearless that the ovo said avraham started saying chakras yitzhak started saying yaakov started saying is it based on that or is it based on the kobanus what's the difference my roof because there was no corbin at night so therefore there was the corbin uh daily corbin carpenter of the morning daily carbon of the afternoon and then there was the the leftover things they would burn at night but that wasn't an obligation if they burnt everything during the day they wouldn't have to and that's why the question is sure but uh but everyone agrees that the way it was set up was based on the qurbanis the times were based on the kibanas the a lot of the halachas were the kobanis so when we say the karbanos we're starting off by saying that that's what my tefila is feel it is bringing a corbin to hakaris baruch that's a real intense thing let me tell you something about kubonas i always say that uh one of the hardest things of jewish education is to make it relevant a lot of things are not relevant kids will tell you this all the time rabby why do i have to learn this piece of gemara i don't have an ox and i'm not planning on buying one and i don't run through the street with pictures and if i uh marry a woman it'll be with a ring not with a piece of silk of indeterminate value and if i divorce her it'll be in based and i won't throw the get from my roof into her courtyard where it catches on fire on the way data why am i learning this relevance relevance is so important and i always when i teach try to show how things are relevant so when you do zvechem at the beginning you have this whole long section of peegle what's peagle if the cohen has the wrong kevonna when he's bringing the carbon the carbon is possible he did everything right he did the shrita he caught the dam he threw it on the mizbayaf he took the right parts out he burned him and they did everything but he had the wrong max over the whole thing is wrong so the makshava determines the carbon so first we do the we say kobanis after the cabonice you come to tyrus that's the incense the incense is a higher level the incense gets taken into the base of mikdash the kobanos are brought on the outside mizbayach but there's a special mess back inside just for the tyrus katyris was something that was considered more spiritual even higher than this why because that kurzberg who breathed in a spirit of life and therefore tyrus which goes in through the nose has a higher level of kedusha that's why on saturday night when we lose are in the summer yesera we smell basamine we smell spices to revive us it's a spiritual experience and that's why uh when yosef is being brought down to mizrahim being sold as a slave the people who are taking him down are taking nice smelling spices usually they take like kerosene or things that smell bad that's what you got to worry about he's in chains being dragged out as a slave at least you shouldn't have to smell bad things at least at least that because that goes straight into your nashamah which you smell and uh i remember moshe shapiro said once he says you can tell it just by nature the world smells better in the morning i remember he said once he goes even for new york in the morning smells good yeah so uh you go through the guitarist then you go to the zimbra now you do the birkshire and then we do that's the one where you go like this where ideally you're supposed to do it on your left hand but if you have your filling there you move it to your right hand but by minkah when you're not it's villain you know you do it on your left hand because you're turning away you're turning away from i'm starting to move away when i stead shimona s-ray i was standing like a malach in front of a krishna that is the icker of voda right there i'm in the kosher delusion i'm in the base of mikdash i i'm in this place what does that mean it says the hasida murashonam the gemara says spent an hour before tefillah tfilo was shema esri an hour in phila they spent an hour saying swanna esri and an hour coming down from the experience when they darvened they were so far out of this world it took him a whole hour to come back down from that spiritual meditative state that they had reached an unbelievable thing so tachnon is we're starting to come back down ashrae again like we did in sugar december it's sort of like we built up to this crescendo called shimona esri called the amida and now tafflin we turn away and ashworthy go back to psuka to zimbra and at the end we do ankelokeno and we do the guitarist but we don't go all the way back down to the corbin you know why because every time you dive and you walk away on a higher level so i started at kobanos and i worked up to qataris and i worked up too so good as imra i worked up the careers i worked up the shimon azrae and then i turned away by tafflin and then i back down to ashrae and then i go back to qataris but don't go beyond that because every davening is transformational there's aloha when you walk into a shawl you shouldn't start diverting until you've worked daladamus or waited the amount of time it takes to walk daladamus four hours why because i've seen this people walk in pivot starts won't ask me you can't you need time to prepare yourself you can't you can't achieve something without some preparation and those are these people walk in last minute and throw on their thousands villain and mumble you know uh berkshire and ashrae and then they jump in there's no way that fila is going to be as meaningful to them because they didn't spend the time preparing in the time of the base of mikdash there was an area outside of yushalayam where you would stop and meditate before you went into shell i'd be going into your shallow you can't just can't just walk in you need time you have to prepare yourself you have to think what am i doing maybe although it tells the story uh publicly so i feel comfortable repeating it he says i used to teach in in uh asia torah and i would take a cab to uh you know to shayafo alex for me over there and going through the security and ran up the stairs to ishitar and one time i realized i didn't even turn and look at the castle had my back to it i was just running to get to class i have to stop and think where am i going today you can't very very hard to park in the old city and during the day you can't even get in unless you're uh a resident so at least i'm scottish we try to go me and my wife sometimes we try to go more often but certainly restaurantish so you have to park in manila and then you have a nice long walk till you get there you have time to prepare yourself think about it you don't just you don't just walk over to the hotel don't just go in there you know oh here's the wall you have to prepare yourself you can't if you want to have meaningful dieting you can't just walk into shawl and and open the city and start davening you have to invest time kavanagh does not come automatically you need time to sit down and to focus yourself and for some people it might be nothing more than walking dalaramos at least what the human gave us to zimmer take that time to say something to focus to la zamere to cut away all the things that are uh interrupting us so that we're free to be able to focus on what we have to do but there's no way as i mentioned last time when you're gonna cop a quickie minha and make that a truly meaningful feeling you have to invest time so hashem take your time to remove all of the distractions from you and understand that fila is set up in a way to build up to something i have to go step by step by step yaakov aveeno sees the ladder and the malacca island vr dim they have wings why don't they just fly because there's no way to get to shamayim by flying you gotta climb a ladder you have to go step by step corban ice kataras sugar zimra krishma amida and then you go back down ashrae teres it takes steps it takes effort so we're going to talk about this more next time but uh but this at least at least is a starting point for us there's a few a few techniques a few ideas that we can use to try to start to make uh make it more meaningful and now we're at the question and answer part of our program anonymous asks i have to say anonymous you've managed to send in the most questions what do you think about giving your kids things that you perceive as luxuries or extras if everyone in the class actually has it for example weekly pizza day in school every child in my daughter's kindergarten class has been ordering pizza do i get it for my kids so she won't feel resentful being the only one left out or will she learn resilience and my value of saving special things for special occasions wow what a hard question the world's gone crazy yeah we live in a crazy world and they've done studies it's very interesting and they found that kids are more influenced by what their friends think than what their parents think um i did a informal study um i used to ask guys who were learning yeshiva how they chose the yeshiva and most of the time the answer was that's where my friends were going it's uh a role as parents becomes more limited now you ask the question very well what about luxuries or extras meaning we're not talking about something that we consider to be in absolute terms evil my kid wants a smartphone i don't want my kid to have a smartphone i don't even know why your kid needs a phone at all someone said well you can't live today without a phone surprise for thousands of years of human history people lived without having a phone when phones cell phones were starting to become more widespread uh i was under a lot of pressure to get a cell phone and i said why and they said because then people could reach you any time any place i said remind me again why would i want this what do i need it for i'll call you when i get home no i don't have to talk to you at any time i'm not available all the time sometimes i'm traveling and it's okay this has been the big fight on planes because we have the technology that our cell phones could work on the plane and people were like give me a little space where i don't have to listen to people talking on the phone day and night i don't have to have people hacking me all the time at least i'm on a plane leave me alone on amtrak there are certain no cell phone cars you want to talk on your cell phone go over there hack each other everyone could sit there and talk and talk and knock themselves out i go out to eat to see two people talking to each other on a cell phone so i'm not talking about buying your kid a phone or something else that is perceived as being negative pizza i'm not going to say pizza is evil i could say it may not be the healthiest choice but few and far between are the families that don't take your kids out for pizza what's bothering me about this example is if everyone in the class is getting pizza and she's not then she's gonna definitely feel persecuted if it's a question of some people have it and some people don't that's different when my son was in grader so this story is at least 20 years old they asked us not to send the kids with the manachama for lunch what's the management it's what in english like in america they call it cuppa soup it's like a little cup and it's got some like noodles or instant mashed potatoes or soup mix whatever it is and you add hot water to it and it's a big treat and they said please don't send your kids with this because there are some families that can't afford it and you're going to make them feel bad so do i have to get my kid a manager if there's a few rich kids in class who have been no no i don't have to do that the problem comes in with what if everyone is doing it the whole school is going on a ski trip so do i tell my kid i'm not spending money for a ski trip now i know some parents who tell their kids no problem you want to go on the ski trip you gotta you gotta get the money go and babysit you know rake leaves whatever it is get the money i'm not paying for for a ski trip will a kid become resentful yeah maybe and that's why when it comes to parenting i always say you gotta choose your battles you gotta decide what is worth fighting or not but it's no question about it when you have a kid who gets everything they want as soon as they want it a new book comes out i want that this comes out i want that what happens when a birthday comes around what am i supposed to do they have everything already so what i up the ante find something new to be able to get it becomes very problematic we have kind of a lot of kids a lot of and it's tricky when it comes to a birthday so more or less the minute that we made was the shabbos closest to your birthday we get a cake we make a cake decorate it it's on shabbos so you have to be careful how you decorate it and decorate in a way that there's no pictures or writing or things like this this has been a big challenge um i once bought these uh cookie cutters that make letters so we'd make little cookies and say happy birthday and put it on so we don't have a problem of cutting through um i bought these uh little um like banners that say happy birthday you can stick it on the cake you know there's uh i but there's a little sugar letters that you can buy spell out happy birthday so-and-so you know but uh you know set up this your way and that's what we do with the cake a certain uniformity the problem is that this these things only work if everybody plays by the rules i don't know if everybody remembers that at one point the golden got together and made the wedding taconis you're only allowed to serve this you're only allowed to serve that you're only allowed to invite so many people you only have to have so many instruments now they made all kinds of that kindness and nobody kept it so what good does it do nobody's going to keep it and they built in you know a little loophole because they said uh of course we leave it to each rosh yeshiva and uh and guddell to decide whether or not they're gonna go so okay so i've got a donor who's not following the rules but i want to go because uh you know the guy gives me money so it's in my best interest to go so it only works if everybody is on board when i lived in fairaqua so shayoshiv the yeshiva had some very wealthy people who died from there they had some not such wealthy people and and if you wanted to make a kiddush there was a standard kiddush and if you wanted to make a fancy kiddish no problem not here because it's not fair to the other people so they would make a very positive kiddish and no matter who you were this is what this is the kiddush that you got this is what you paid for this is what you got it was very simple and everybody read the same kiddush there are those who say the shot that imparts no so we list what each nussie brought every day and they brought the same exact thing so why couldn't you just write and also die and also gamble and also and just say each each nazi brought the same thing it says to show you the godless that nobody tried to do one upmanship on the person that went beforehand that's what you brought i'm not going to bring anything extra i'll bring the same thing so the answer is you know i used to when i when i teach kumara i always say this there's only two answers to every question it's a mahleikas or it depends this one is it depends if it's something that everybody's doing and the and and your kindergarten daughter is going to be the only one in class who brings a peanut butter and jelly sandwich while everybody else is eating pizza the kid is going to feel deprived you don't want the kid to feel deprived feel like they're left out and feel weird um if there's some kid who you know uh has a little sushi chef that makes them their little sushi in class you know i mean their parents sent along you don't have to hire a sushi chef for your kid it's okay yeah not everyone has to get everything but uh you know you you have to make a decision if everybody's doing it and this has become mikubao this is what everyone's doing so you have no choice you're kind of stuck so uh so it really depends on the situation but as much as but if they come home and they say everybody got themselves this designer outfit i also want this designer outfit you could say i appreciate that we're not in a position to be able to afford that i wish i could we're gonna make sure you have nice clothes clean clothes but i'm not spending uh 300 on a sweater for you because your friends have that it's just not happening so uh it's uh it's a sensitive point and you have to really try to figure out how in the and the way that it applies in each case as much as you can keep things simple then things become more kashev i might be hearing a story in old jerusalem when things were really tight so the father would give each kid for shabbos three shikayde marak these little tiny soup almonds that they put in their soup each one got three that was their treat people couldn't afford more and uh and it was meaningful and now when you see kids take half a bowl of shredding rock and pour it into their soup you know parents will say you know very well you have a little super screen in morocco you know so okay it's up to you to decide whether or not you want to limit how many treats are available and save them for special occasions or just say well you know it's what everybody else is doing and just give up it's really up to you to make that decision and that's it for this episode and uh that's it you can go to my website robielowski.com you can send me uh contact me you can make a comment you can sponsor an episode you can see some of the other material that we have there and that's it for this episode my name is devin orlowski and this has been the raviolovsky show it's the rabbi orlovsky show tauren simpa ready to go the rabbi orlovsky show knowledge and wisdom will help you grow lots of fun in every episode and we don't have to rhyme no it's the rabbi orlovsky show on rabbi orlovsky.com torah anytime youtube and more it's rabbi orlowski show torah and simply ready to go it's the rabbi rolofsky show till next time till we meet again throughout my orolovsky show it's the rabbi raviolsky show it's the rabbi orlowski [Music]