Essential Shidduch Questions (Shidduch Series #7) (Ep. 121)

hi this is debbie rolowski and welcome to the robert alaski show whether you are watching with our friends over at anytime or wherever you watch or listen to your podcasts it's so nice to have you along and we have a sponsor this week uh the sponsor asked for his name not to be mentioned but it is in memory of his grandfather lily nishmas uh israel ben yaakov and he writes i hope my contribution will help others to continue to be inspired and hashem it will and uh yeshus will be for you and for your grandfather and uh the homicide yeah who uh i have the privilege of actually knowing and uh they sometimes participate in our studio audience when we used to have studio audiences remember years ago when you know before covert you know going back 10 20 years but anyway uh that's the story so um as you could uh probably tell from the last podcast this uh this subject is getting a tremendous amount of response a lot of people have a lot to say on the subject and um there's many other letters and and comments that i really want to uh speak about but we gotta we gotta move on we're gonna move on and uh hopefully at some point before the end i will once again um try to deal with some of the comments uh that have been coming up so [Applause] i mentioned uh we were basically up to which is self master first you have to um have clear what it is that you want and that's why when a person wants to get married if they're not really sure why they're getting married and they don't know what it is they want to accomplish in the marriage and they don't know where the important issues are then i don't know how you're going to advise anybody what it is you're looking for because it's it's an amazing thing people sometimes have extremely unrealistic expectations based upon who they actually are i'll give you an example i had a student who said to me once i don't know what you want from me yeah you know i i tend as you probably have picked up over the years that we've been doing this i have a general theme that people should strive for greatness i assume he says to me i don't know what you want from me i'm just uh just an average guy i'm good enough good enough is good enough yeah so i said that's interesting because uh you know i know a girl for you he says he does because he wasn't she girlfriend says yeah so tell me about her she's okay nothing special good enough for you so he says no no i want somebody exceptional i said why you you just told me that you're good enough you don't want to be exceptional in fact you resent the fact that somebody like me is telling you to be exceptional so basically you're okay you're okay she's okay you'll get married you have an okay marriage couple of okay kids and when you die they'll write on your tombstone he was okay no i why do you want you want exceptional for what for what you don't want to live an exceptional life so what you want for an exceptional girl you want an okay girl you're okay she's okay california has to say i'm okay you're okay you just have ashcroft out there cody i'm okay i'm okay you're okay yeah so so you gotta really get clear what it is that your image is of what it is you're trying to accomplish tell your story uh i got married and uh my shabbosha brachus which was of course hosted by my in-laws so uh so my father-in-law said to me so you'll say something he says i hope you're prepared he says to me so i said well you know the minute you sing the hustle down he says oh no not over here we don't yeah yeah it had the same thing in my son's bar mitzvah you know people were singing down it's like i didn't come all this way to here i'm sung down you know but the the minute is uh that uh that you you know you sing down the question because you don't know whether or not he really has what to say besides there's been enough speeches already so like so someone said to me once there is uh i'm not sure what the macquarie is but that the shmaisa was said by the soyuz and the shiva bronchus he said one every day i don't know if anybody sang him down while he was doing the meissa yeah i've been in shirem when people tried to sing down the shmeister because it's too hard for them but anyway so he says to me no no you'll speak no one's gonna sing you down here well i had to prepare quickly so i thought of a madrish that's uh the basis of [Applause] says that of course shabbos is the kala the kamaru says that they used to go out into the fields to greet the shabbos and say bowie color bowie color everybody has a zug every day of the week has a zug except for me posh does sunday is monday tuesday is wednesday thursday is friday according to the guru sunday has wednesday monday has thursday tuesday has friday all right why because he says on sunday he created tremendous and on uh and on uh wednesday he put the uros up the son of the moon and the stars in the sky on monday he made the water and on [Music] he made the fish and the birds which were made from the mud and the third day he revealed the dried land and on the sixth day he made all the animals that go on dry land so uh anyway you want to look at it everybody shoulda shabby says i don't have a shirt it says no you have a sugar your shirt is going to be benediction the yom kodash for the arm kadash now if you think about it i said it's a very strange mattress because sunday and monday that's a they're both days of the week they're both 24 hours they grew up next to each other makes sense but you take a day of the week and you make a shirt between that and a people on the face of the earth doesn't sound like a shirt to me so the answer is that the madrid gives the answer very clearly what makes uh is holiness and whether one is a day of the week one is a people those are differences but those are not enough of a difference to make a difference in finding a sugar that's really based on condition and that's what i want to talk about in this podcast is what is considered essential and what is not right okay so as we have established let's let's because of what we have established thus far yeah one is a boy and one is a girl if you're not sure about either one of those two things you got you got work to do right it's a boy and uh they both have to want to get married they don't want to get married it's going to take a very long way right and they both have to be clear on what it is that they want to create yeah both jewish yeah if they both believe in torrid mitzvos they want to build a home build ontario fine all those i would consider to be essentially uh necessary values in order to be able to go in but there's a whole bunch of things uh that one has to ask themselves is this really important to me or not now when you're writing up your wish list so okay i have it all clear yeah i'm looking for a boy between 22 and 24 who lives in flatbush uh went to the following yeshivas comes to the following type of a family you know uh yeshivish or hamish or whatever the case happens to be yeah uh i want him to learn for x number of years and i want him to uh then go out and race going to his father's business be an accountant whatever it is i want to live such a such a place i want to wear such and such a shade so we have it all worked out have everything all worked out but she took a more funny thing and and a lot of the things that we might think are essential might not be essential as much as peripheral so i'm going to go through a number of issues now that you need to think about whether or not they're essential or not now i'm not talking about looks not talking about attraction yeah they say beauty isn't the eye of the beholder and i say that's true but ugly is clear to everybody even though there's somebody who you might think is ugly and somebody else thinks they're beautiful and i've asked this question to groups all around the world and everyone has agrees with me that sometimes you see a gorgeous guy who's going out with the most beautiful girls the end marries the girls likewise you see a girl is gorgeous she goes out with the nicest looking boys you know and she had some of the guys [Music] but they think each other's attractive so nobody nobody's in a position to to judge when it comes to that yeah so i'm not talking about attraction i'm not talking about that uh i'll talk about those things later on traction personality nego's all that kind of nice stuff yeah i'm not thinking about many of those things i'm talking about externals in the litvish community by which i mean the non-hasidic community there is what's called the shirt of crisis the of crisis is based upon the fact that there are more eligible girls than there are boys there is a theory that was put forward why this is and that is that since in this community there tends to be uh something of a gap 19 year old girls tend to marry 23 year old boys and since the firm community has been propagating at a very high rate it ends up that every class as you go down becomes larger which means there are this many boys for this many girls so if you're going to stick to that then you're you're gonna be limited so the question is can a boy marry a girl who's the same age or dare i say it a girl who's older now uh this was something that was being pushed at one point i don't know if it's still being pushed but at one point it was being pushed uh there were certain groups that offered financial incentives if a boy married an older girl a girl who was older than him and the idea was that this would help to alleviate the demographic problem in the shidduch problem um i had a couple guys at my house for a shabbos suit and i brought this up one of them said no it would never go i said what it says because if a girl is older than me she's not going to respect me and i said are you so insecure that you're afraid that a girl who's older than you is not going to see your mailers and respect you and they all looked at each other and just shook their heads and said you don't get it now i get that a lot i get that a lot from people you don't get it yeah it's true i don't get it but evidently there is a feeling i cannot marry who's older than me now i have to know shidduchim where people married girls who were older than them it worked out fine yeah but i could see where that might be an issue for somebody but is that is that an etsom problem is that something that's that's an integral problem no that's an external problem yeah how old the person is does not have to determine whether or not you know i mean again it depends on the age gap yeah it was a famous uh evan costello routine where they were in the hillbilly country and they wanted uh costello to marry this girl who was 10 years old he was 40 years old she was 10 years old he goes i can't marry her she's four times my age so bud says now wait a second in five years you'll be 45 she'll be 15. you'll only be three times as old as him and in another 15 years you'll be 60 she'll be 30 you'll only be twice as old as her ah you'll be caught up in no time he says then i'm for sure not going to marry her he says why because before you know it you'll be older than me now how much of an age gap is is you know i can't say i don't think that's something that's inherent i have seen marriages be very successful with a 15-year age gap i've seen it more than once and they're very happy yeah because uh in fact uh at one of these one of these chevy brachas the fellow said it was about true he says i realized when i became from that's when right bashar was born so poignant but is age something that's a make it or break it for you you've got to think about it don't just say yeah yeah i want 23 year old marries 19 year old does that that's the way it goes go think about it see yeah can i live with that and if not why what's the problem what's the pursuit okay um what if the girl is taller than the boy i have seen marriages like this i have seen marriages with the girls taller than the boy and she wears heels now i have to say you have to be a guy who feels pretty secure i saw this once uh a couple and the girl's always slouching back to another one like i talked to the girl wheelchairs is that always over i said to a guy once i said this doesn't bother you and he says no i i always wanted a wife i could look up to [Laughter] is that something that is integral well it's not integral it's it's you've got to decide whether or not that bothers you or not and i'm i'm always amazed how many times you've seen people say are you in i know somebody for you how tall are you okay all right it's a it's an approach you know when it when it comes to height differences i have seen very tall guys marry very short girls and uh like i say you know i also knew a guy who went out with a girl and it was going well but he just could not deal with the fact that she was much shorter than him she wasn't unusually short but she was much shorter than him felt it didn't look right so broke it off okay now again if that's something you can't outlive with but you gotta you gotta be honest with yourself yeah um what about uh a lot of guys make it clear they want to marry a girl comes from a family with money to be able to keep them in the position that they want to be able to learn or whatever it is that they feel hopefully a father-in-law business you can go into whatever the case happens to be they think that'll make for an easier life it's an old jewish joke this woman's on this plane she's sitting next to this other woman she says that's a beautiful diamond says thank you it's the goldberg diamond this is the goldberg diamond it has it has a name it says oh yes it comes with a curse it says a curse how romantic not so romantic it's mr goldberg that's the curse yeah uh in robonus there used to be a uh a truism and say if you find a stella that's offering a lot of money there's a reason [Laughter] you it comes with a commensurate level of aggravation so you got to be real honest whether or not you want to handle that when you're relying on somebody else so you have to understand that money comes with strings everything comes with strings you know if i'm if i'm giving you money then i'm i'm already uh [Music] yeah uh i'm i'm about there i can tell you where you're going to live how you're going to live what you're going to do if i'm paying if i'm paying for the apartment i'm paying that i'll tell you where you're going to live you don't want it no problem do it on your own it's one that too because sometimes girls who grow up very simply have very simple expectations they don't they don't expect a lot now i expect you to keep them in a certain style people grew up simply and had to get by so they understand they know how to live simply and people who grow up i won't say wealthy i'll say comfortable yeah i i always told my wife i said you grew up poor and i grew up middle class she says no we grew up middle class you grew up rich i said you don't know rich you say that because you don't know rich yeah with the whole corona thing of course everybody's going crazy you know can i know her i have a lot of children and grandchildren and the last time we took everybody to america was uh we went to orlando for pesach with my mother she wanted to go to orlando we took the whole family and i still haven't recovered from that experience financially you know my son said to me well you did it wrong if if we do it over again i said yeah if we do it over again i won't go that's how we're doing but uh everyone was talking about hey maybe we should you know so when i used to have uh you know we used to travel years ago before corona so um um i uh i tried to take a different uh couple or kid with me each time you know to give them a little bit of a trip you know so i went a little taste someone's like we're going crazy with the whole corona and it's like can't you can we you know bring him back to america so i said so i said my wife said that's called being rich if i could buy everybody tickets fly everybody to america put them all up rent everybody cars let everyone all go shopping you know and do whatever they want okay and a rich person doesn't even consider that rich no the the i was at the kinara hotel here once um uh for pesach and we there was a group there it was the grace goldberg family pesach they all had matching t-shirts there had to be a hundred people there and the grandfather was paying for it now i don't have that big a family compared to like i say you know that that kind of thing and i priced it for half a pesock for my family once 40 000 shekels and i was like no that's not happening and um uh so uh we we i just know i said so can you imagine what was a hundred people put them up there yeah and of course took them on to your limb and they said next thing you know so people have money they can do that and if you use to that you grow used to a to a certain lifestyle hard to switch out of it afterwards whereas uh you know my in-laws if they if they went out to eat it was to a pizza place and that was only on a special occasion yeah so uh it was it was a different it was a different mindset yeah so you got to decide what kind of a lifestyle you want to try to maintain yeah um okay uh also in this category um profession now sometimes i think that can really make a serious consideration i.e if you're gonna marry a doctor you're gonna marry a nurse who may have very long shifts right it's consideration if you marry an accountant during tax season you may not see him it's a consideration marry somebody who has a job that requires a lot of travel running around it's a consideration yeah um it's it's could be something whereas if you're looking for somebody who has a nice nine-to-five job goes to work comes home you know have a life that might be a different consideration so i'm not going to say it's not a consideration but you know you have to decide how much that's important to you um okay uh there's a whole category here that i call handicaps and illnesses i.d uh you know there's all kinds of shylas when do you have to tell somebody you're going out with that you have a condition like you have diabetes or you have this or you have that different kind of conditions when do you have to tell people i'm not prosecuting over here ask your ask your helping advisor you know when in the dating process you behave to tell people or how you tell them et cetera i'm not discussing that i don't even know that should be absolute maybe you should be absolute yeah if a person has a condition that's manageable but uh you have to be honest can i deal with that can i not deal with it was a fellow went out with a girl and she was a very nice girl on every level and by the second date or so he told her that he had some kind of an operation in her somewhere in her digestive tract i don't know all the details and she has a bag that hangs underneath her clothing that uh you know fluids have to have to be gathered in it has to be emptied now she doesn't have to wear it all the time but uh most of the time she has to wear it yeah and when he found out about this he went out one more time and he says i i can't deal with it so a few months later she got engaged to somebody else and he remained single for a very long time but again he kept is saying to himself i don't know was that something not to get married for was that serious enough or not uh so i i'm not going to say yeah um we all know about tay sachs right that's uh so you're sure because i did tell you sure man we're going through right people check it out but you know there's so many genetic things you could you could check out so i know somebody where one of the kids had a kid with some kind of genetic condition and it could be or whatever so the wizard of jaime kane yes he says if it's not something that's common you don't have to worry about it i don't know how many people have perfect dna everybody has some kind of genes everybody has some kind of things over there if it's something like taysac something that's really you know a given all right but uh but you gotta you know check on everything and the fact that a person has a gene like i say doesn't mean that it's going to come out or that it could come out that's why there was a big discussion about doing the genetic test for breast cancer because that's something that tends to afflict jews more than other people and a person could have that gene and never develop it and so a girl's not going to get a off because you know there's the the gene is there it's uh like i say you know you're looking for a perfect uh specimen of dna yeah it reminds me of a person who asked for moisture feinstein how far back do i have to check to see with the girl if there's a shyla of mam serious maisha said don't go back too far because you'll have to go back for yourself and you'll find out that you're moms so just leave it be [Laughter] so uh you know yeah you know [Music] a certain amount of me talking you have to have like i said if it's something like tay sachs where it's uh the odds are very good so okay so you have to take that into account but not uh something that might could happen and under that is handicaps because there people have handicaps right they walk with a limp you know but a definite one here maybe they're a little vision impaired i'm not thinking about you know a person who's uh uh who's blind or deaf etc which i'm not saying is absurd either person has to decide whether or not they they uh you know can handle that or not but there are imperfections the person has to ask themselves can i deal with that or not does it really make a difference at the end of the day or is it just something that i i i want perfect specimens okay because you know people there are people who have limitations sometimes people have learned disabilities i know shidduchim that were called off because they found out that one of the boy or the girl had a learning disability and they said it could be genetic so why take a chance take a chance yeah so uh i'm not saying yes or no again none of these things am i saying yes or no i'm just saying that before you start the process of who i'm going to go out with ask yourself what are icker problems and what are not culture culture yeah um we live in a much more international world than we did and uh i knew this uh girl american girl went out with an english boy and after a while she she broke it off and she said i feel like the cultural difference is too great now are there cultural differences between americans and israelis yeah americans and and englishmen yeah so as once said england and america are two countries separated by a common language uh i know people who marry boys from south america from europe i have been assured by my listeners in switzerland that it is an unfair uh accusation that swiss people have no sense of humor some people think that swiss people have no sense of humor and my swiss people say we would not listen to your podcast if we had no sense of humor we find you're quite humorous signed heidi but anyway uh listen there are cultural differences people come from south america israelis israelis and and uh and uh americans but let's let's move it up a notch it's not just a question of culture uh what about uh if there's actual difference in language so the boy the girl speaks it hebrew and so they get set up with an israeli but he's not gonna be able to communicate with your family they don't speak hebrew now that's a lot of fun because you can talk about him at the table and you don't have to worry you know he doesn't know what you're saying but there's uh it's a consideration is that enough to say i'm not going out with somebody unless we both speak the same language now this is something that's particular for people like my children because they said to me abba we're not israelis and we're not americans we're american israelis we uh you know we live in two worlds and so you end up marrying another american israeli because you know straight israeli that's not really who we are straight americans not really who we are and uh you know you have to figure out so it's a consideration i'm not saying no if you feel comfortable yeah um listen kaplan he went out with an american girl and she didn't want to continue because he doesn't speak english okay but he's going so he says i'll i'll learn english he picked up english so they they would converse in english i i know people who went out with people who spoke another language and understand the language i said what'd you do on the date because you know i said how are you going to communicate because i don't know i think there'll be less promises of marriage if we don't understand what each other's saying it's a cultural thing there's no question it's a cultural thing and and on the subject of a cultural thing two considerations first is hasidim and litvish what do i mean by this ravitorsky once wrote an article where he says that in the cassini community they have the reverse problem they have a bit of a of crisis but it's because there are more boys than there are girls so he says i can solve the problem very easy easily let the lid for girls america boys what's so bad what's so bad so how different could it be now i have to say i think uh rabbi dr torski might be a little a little uh because he is and so to his mind and he doesn't see the problem but i have seen girls who have gone out with kassidusha boys and they felt that the cultural gap was too much they just didn't see themselves in that lifestyle and like i said a lot of it depends there are people who are like neochassis they're like you see guys who like dress with the la bush and i say oh what casino saw you they said no no i just i just i like the little bush you know i clustered with the rabbits we named later you know okay but uh you know if you're gonna go into one of those because see this we have friday night you have to put a little apron and a little hat on top of the shape to lend in all that yeah you gotta decide whether or not you're ready for that it's it comes with a certain lifestyle and a certain commitment and you gotta be honest i i i'm not so cavalier as to dismiss the concerns i had a girl who was uh uh engaged with a sergeant boy and i said ziggler become a cousin she's like yeah i said so that's it no more gabrus and she burst out in tears okay so you might think what's the big deal okay some people i'm [Music] hey it's one week what's the big deal yeah so let's go to the opposite extreme yeah you want to eat rice on faceoffs mario spiders your boy now today into marriage between sauron ashkenazim is a lot more common than it was years ago but is it a different culture it's for sure a different culture for a different culture people grow up differently people grow up with different types of values i'm not saying it's right i'm not saying it's wrong and i'm not saying it can't work it's got to be honest so uh some inspired him they don't let their wives wear shade luck they have to uh you know cover their hair with you know a hat or a or a uh you know a kerchief or whatever it is no shade some girls are okay with that some are not there there are considerations i knew uh ashkenazi girl who got engaged to uh swedish a boy now again this is an eric show i don't know about how the situation works in america but she says you know she's gonna have a hard time when it comes to getting her kids into school because there is a discrimination in ashkenazi schools against sparta we talked about this in an earlier podcast why where it's coming from and everything i i'm not going to go into it but it's consideration yeah so these are things to think about are these things really important to me or not then there's stuff that goes on with the family right what if the parents are divorced whatever kid grew up in a divorce family now years ago uh this was more of a deal somebody told me about a particular basico in the new york area where they said uh the majority of the first grade class were coming from divorced families so it's a lot more common today than it was yeah but there's still there's a stigma associated with it i knew a wonderful girl who had a very hard time finding a shirt because a father had passed away and that was considered a pursue that she was an orphan yeah now there are those who take it further they check into the family they have a brother who's divorced they have uh a brother who uh has down syndrome they have a brother who has uh some sort of uh you know is on the spectrum you know uh for autism they have that so we're possible up the whole family vice does and people do some people do so it's probably family so let's even though this particular girl or boy has no problems right you know the brother this the sister that ambassador is that absula not now i'm not going to tell you that a kid who grows up in a divorce family is not living a different life than the person who has two parents having said that you know i get emails from people who tell me that they grew up in homes where it was abuse going on with the children the parents were married that didn't stop the fact that there was abuse of all kinds i don't want to get graphic but all kinds of abuse that were going on that these kids grew up with i've had several students over the years who have told me that from the outside everyone thinks they're the perfect family and the parents uh live in different rooms they they can't get along with each other but they're staying together for the kids but from the outside you can never tell so uh so you gotta take those things into account as well uh there is a more um fundamental issue that i think has to be considered when it comes to families and that is the issue of marrying a balchuva or aguer now you understand what comes with that that means that you have an issue bringing your kids over to your in-laws and even though there are those that are very respectful usher wade used to be a baptist minister and uh he became a gay compared to jews so somebody asked him once says how does your you know do you still relation with your parents yeah we went there for shops when i got there my father said don't worry son i used to be a shops [Laughter] and uh you never know where it pops up i was with somebody once very she was a fellow i had no idea that he was again you know and he says to me ah oh great my anti-semite take my mother she's the worst i did a double take yeah david alaska a famous individual speaking uh jewish courses all around so he says when he was in the process so he was in heritage house not heritage house he was in the hill house on a university in england and he says to the president since you're the president of the hiller house you should uh at least put on a yarmulke when you eat he says you're not wearing a yarmulke he said i'm a guy what's your excuse you know but it's a consideration i how you go with it will you go with it i'm not i'm not saying there was a very poignant letter it was written to the jewish observer by a balchuba couple and they said you have no idea what we go through you know and he was listing all kinds of different problems that to go to and they said just take something as simple as finances we don't have a bobby and zadie to buy the kids shopper's coats bobby and zadie will go and pick up something for the kids we don't have that so many things that you take for you take for granted when uh you grew up this way and also obviously uh depending when they became about suga uh you know and where they were coming from you know so if a family grew up christian and he suddenly found that he was jew when he was 22 until that point he had been doing missionary work in africa i mean then he came from you know so it takes a while some some people pick it up better than others and and for this i have to take a moment to praise asiator asia toro always called themselves a shot until they realized that was too hard for the balichuva to say aysha torah because it comes out they just changed it to aish or samaya decided to name the ishiva something that they knew that their students could not pronounce or samayak i mean there was zemiak yeah and uh and then they uh made a coil after that called mesh [Laughter] oh that's just cruel but uh you know to pick it up you know you see sometimes and they haven't got the the pronunciation you know especially when it's their name you rock me out you know it can be uh you know you have to you have to decide whether or not you're okay with that now again do i think that's an inherent soul i don't think it's an arab soul does it mean that there's a different set of issues that come along with it yes it does yes it does so people can make a very long list i only want somebody who comes from here i only want somebody who does this i only want this kind of family i only want to wanted a girl told me she was meeting with a shotgun and it was a very long time asked questions about this one about this one and this one this one this one and with a girl really you know had enough is when she said um which concentration camp were your grandparents in so she says why is auschwitz harsher than bergen-belsen [Laughter] oh a little dark humor over there you know she's like why in the world should that make any difference but uh you know this is amazing there's there's so many gradations uh this like this is like this like this okay now i'm i'm the wrong one to talk to on this i i tend to air on the other extreme that's why i have two daughters who are divorced because i'm not very good at checking things out yeah in fact after my second daughter got divorced someone said well there must be something wrong with your family i said there is i brought them up with poor values i told them everybody's nice and they're not some people are terrible people but we're always down the couch close we're always willing to give the benefit of the doubt and that's a mistake all right now i know somebody does investigations but put the most sad to shame and uh you know but as you're weighing the considerations there's always going to be a problem [Music] yeah so i had a relative went out with a girl first of all he went out with says it's great fine so his mother said but did you notice it was this problem says yeah did you know it was that problem yeah this problem that brought me yeah and finally he says mom nobody's perfect you're just gonna trade one set of problems for another set of problems nobody's perfect you can wait for perfection yeah those people are called oldest singles waiting for the perfect person there are no perfect people my wife got the last one [Laughter] i tell it all the time i don't know uh one day i think i'll convince him but anyway the uh the fact is everybody every everybody has limitations and that's why there's this concept in halacha sovereign people i understand there was a problem and uh okay i can live with it i can live with it so uh so you got to be realistic you can make everything a consideration but you have to be honest with yourself you can talk it over with people with your advisors with people who were there but before you start the dating process you have to get clear what are my red lines what would be nice to have you know turned into a yeshiva guy once and i said so what are you looking for so i'm looking for a very i'm looking for a froome girl from god sanuit and uh she's got a bigger you know he's gonna know how to take care of her house be a bella buster and uh i'm looking for somebody with very nice meet us i'm a very a good person a refined person you know and uh you know she's got to have a job where she can make money to help support the family that's important to me and uh you know that's about it i said that's it says yeah i mean she has to be rich and look like a model but other than that you know i don't have any any serious demands [Music] [Laughter] so you gotta be honest be honest with yourself be true to yourself that's the message sit down and be honest say what can i do and very often people are like i i never thought that i would marry a guy from mexico i never thought i would marry a guy who does this i never thought i was going to marry this kind of a girl that kind of a girl i have i have we have pictures in our mind and the question is which of those things are essential yom kardash for the aam kadosh it doesn't matter if one is a day of the week and one is a people on the face of the earth if they are united in a common goal of building kedusha that's all the other stuff is is an irish guy all the other stuff is secondary in my opinion but uh that's that's me talking you have to be honest you have to be able to look at it from an honest point of view and that's it for this episode if you want to find out more about the show you can go to my website alaska.com you could leave a comment you can send a letter you could sponsor an episode uh you can read articles you know play the karaoke version of the ravioli theme song whatever you want to do how about knock yourself out and that's it until next time i'm devin dolowski and this is the rabbi alaska show it's the rabbi orlovsky show torah and simcha ready to go the rabbi orlovsky show knowledge and wisdom will help you grow lots of fun in every episode and we don't have to rhyme no it's the rabbi orlovsky show on rabbi orlovsky.com [Music] till next time till we meet again throughout my orlovsky show it's the rabbi yolowski show it's the rabbi orlowski