Episode 5: The Pain is Real

[Music] hi I'm Remy devid Orlovsky and welcome to episode 5 of my new exciting podcast can't believe we had 5 of these already this is amazing and I know what you're thinking wait a second you said that you were gonna be an American now and you're in America so how come you have the same exact backdrop well obviously I'm not filming this at the same time because see I have a different tie I couldn't be that I just went and changed my tie now you may think how is it that your hair looks exactly the same because I ran out and got a haircut three days before this podcast just so it would look the same this is my commitment to you to be able to maintain that so you say well it's the same exact backdrop but as I already mentioned these aren't real swaram this is a poster I just took it with me to America and hung it up on somebody wrote a comment and said where could I buy that poster we will be marketing thus far and poster for people who would like to have the reverence key backdrop in your own home and you could make your own podcast and we could see who does it better up Orlovsky me or you so now I have to tell you the truth I really don't have to say it I will tell you truth anyway we actually are filming this in Yerushalayim so I'm this has been reprove according so you know I want to make sure we get in these things so I don't miss him and I'm in America you know I'm sure they must have recording equipment in America but I don't I don't really know where or what how to do it and America is such a backwards place it doesn't have the technological advances that we have here our nights Joe so it's one of the great things being in Israel is that you know Israelis are sure that they have everything better Oh somebody Dovie you know how come there's no real cream cheese here you know if you've ever been to Israel you know that they sell the cream cheese and that based on flavor but based on fat content you know so you go to the store they have nine percent five percent three percent half percent but it's all the same thing you know so someone told me that in the early years of the state the owner of friendship dairies came to Sita Nova and he says it's so beautifully sits the only thing you don't have is cream cheese we're gonna teach you how to make cream cheese and he said you'll teach us we'll teach you I came we got married we came to each other you know first year missionaries showed 1982 they just came out with lasagna noodles it was this large if you if you're listening to this it was this large you have to use your imagination imagine very very long Ruth there was no pot that you could possibly boil these in but what happens someone said you know whoa you don't really lose on you isn't mozzarella's on your noodles because they're long noodles because we will make them even longer so we convinced here in Israel that whatever we have is bigger and better than anything you guys have out there you know and and the Chris Lawrence so anyway that's the reason that we're recording this beforehand just to make sure that you know we can keep up with this exciting podcast and so it's parshas toll dos not really anyway so but it's very much like it's very much like barges told us and November 8th well like a time flies anyway so so we want to talk about yeah I want to tell you a terrible story I have over the course of my lifetime acquired many terrible stories no now there are many terrible stories I've heard and I don't include those because I used to teach I used to say every now and then I have to go to the horror files and the horror files was a collection of stories that I was directly involved with on some level they're terrible stories you know terrible stories by the time the girls were a second year you know if I'd say I'm going to the harvest I have to go to the horrify was it like don't go to the harm vials it up someone's asked me why don't you like put them all out as a book like in the heart of files I said what do I need people killing themselves at math and I need the very depressing stories each one is terrible anyway but they're all they're all true and I've a good exposure to them and this is a story about a young man who I knew who calls me up Erev Yom Kippur I was living in America time and he calls me up and he says to me I'm out of faith heir of Yom Kippur is a really bad time to be out of faith yeah and I said what's what's the problem and he tells me about his life and his life was a life of tragedy his father was institutionalized and a mental institute before he was born his mother was also mentally ill she tried to kill him as a baby she was institutionalized he went to live with his grandparents who were poor he had a little store that he ran and so he would go to school and would help his father in the store and his severely mentally and physically handicapped aunt also lived with them and he had to help take care of her and change her and all the things that you need to do with somebody who's just not self-sufficient and he was taking care of the aunt and taking care of you know helping in the store and all the things one time someone came in to rob the store they shot his grandfather in front of him who lived but but it was a serious thing and he says I I was left behind to clean up my grandfather's blood on the store of the store's floor you know and it went like this this was his life yeah and eventually he became from it went off to Israel and he's learning and he starts dating but he doesn't have an easy time as you can imagine yeah plus he has some of his own physical difficulties yeah it doesn't think he's ever gonna get married and he finally in spite of his own handicaps he gets married finds a nice girl he gets married and and he says we've been married for several years and we just got the message from the doctor that we can never have any children and now I'm out of faith and I said I need to think about this let me call you back I hung up the phone and I looked devastated and my wife when she when I tell the story over she said I never saw you like that I was I was I was physically ill these two Buffum went to see with moshe feinstein and they were waiting outside the room and the door was a little open and they could hear what was going on and there was an Amana inside with a terrible terrible tale of woe and just crying and just terrible anyway she leaves they were afraid to go in they said they have to a story like that read my shall be shattered and they walk in and he has his usual yeshiva das and his usual some hustle fight and they were amazed they said remember how is this possible what do you mean so we heard what went on again so he says first he gave him what sir not supposed to listen in on people's conversations the second thing is he said to him is you can't get involved in working with it Seaboard unless you lock away a certain part of yourself that you say for yourself because otherwise you won't be able to won't be able to function you know I said to Bowman once you know right Bowman had a very weak heart it pops and I said to my said Rebbe you're gonna die of a broken heart because he took everything he took everything right right in his heart and at that little place that had Misha said that you have to have locked the way he didn't have you know anyway so this hit me I mean you know you can handle a lot of things it's my wife said what happened I told over the story and she said what can you say and I said I already know what to say I'm trying to get the strength to say it and I called them back and I said I have no right to tell you what I'm about to tell you but I'm going to tell it to you because you know that it's true in this week's Perisher yetze Clark and Rivka don't have any children for ten years ten years they're childless and and Rashi says why were they childless because I could borrow who loves that felis of tsadikim he wants to push them to say beautiful beautiful Phyllis I said I don't know why your colors Baroque who was so impressed with you but he obviously feels that you're capable of greatness and he's pushing you to achieve that greatness and there was a silence and then he said I knew that already I just had to hear it from somebody an astounding astounding astounding concept yeah now that's Story number one his story number two I was asked to speak for an organization called a time this is an organization that deals with couples that haven't had children I always get nervous when I'm speaking for the organizations where there's special children special adults different levels of suffering all kinds of different problems I'm not I'm never really sure what the words are I always dive in that Coach borrow to give me the words to say so I know what to do and I spoke to somebody who was a member who had met children in a while and I said what do you want me to say I said I'm coming in and people get Rizk you know people give the same you know the same basic lines yeah said what do you want me to say and he said say it stinks being us so people come in and tell us what tsadikim UI how special are how wonderful you are guess what I don't want to be special I don't need this I had a nephew who had a daughter with Down syndrome and he says I'd meet these rabbis who said to me and they say to me well you know it's really a broker these people were very close to theirs flamers and only special people are chosen to be able to get such Abraha he says I'd look at them and say should I give you a broker that you should have such a broker like this no like oh no no don't say it to me okay because you have no idea what I have to deal with and it's easy it's easy to say oh it's a broccoli you must be very special you must be this on one level it's true on one level it's certainly true how cutters burrow hole pushes you to achieve greatness I have a standard line when everybody asks me you know how's it going I said wash em cuz Borough Hall hasn't forgotten about me my file is obviously opened on his desk he thinks about me every day yeah the kymaro says if nothing nothing bad happens you in 30 days you should get nervous because it could be that because Berger just gave up on you he don't even care anymore yeah I'm not worried and I know he's thinking about me yeah is there's enough going on that I don't have to worry that I've been forgotten but but who wants to deal with it who wants to find themselves in a situation where you have to confront these kind of terrible challenges and it's easy for those of us who don't have those challenges we can sometimes be a little flippant yeah good for once you feel is want you to dive in it I speak to parenting groups get out and we're all struggling we're all struggling we'll talk about we used to talk about parenting one time you know but I just told this is a little too a little too hard so a point but you know you got painting groups and there's always one mother who says the important thing is to make sure that you tell your daughter what your expectations are you have to set boundaries my daughter says can I buy this outfit and I say I don't think that's the right thing for you and she says okay EEMA and sometimes we you know she wants to go someplace with her friends and I'm not comfortable about it and I say I don't think you should go there and she says okay mommy you know and sometimes you know everybody's gonna whatever it is and I say I don't think that's right to say okay mommy and that's the things you just have to tell them what you expect and every mother in the room is sinking into the ground because how many mothers have had the experience when we tell our kids we don't want you to do this and they're like tough you do it anyway what do you do throw me out like know what to do you know his mother tells me says I tell my you know my husband tells our boys that they have to get him the morning go to show they can go to the 7 o'clock opinion or 8 o'clock but they have to go to school I said but what if they don't get up no no my husband tells them they have to get up in the morning go to show they can go to the 7 o'clock I already collect but they have to get up the morning go to show I said but what if you tell them they don't go no no my husband tells them they have to get super where they got anywhere so the husband and I said you tell you boys because I told me have to get up and want to go show us it what if they won't get up he goes I don't know is brilliant parenting video listen if I tell my kid I want you to do this I don't want to do this and they say okay what's the big deal yeah so I would tell these women cuz I saw how everybody else was like devastated and I would say I'd say you have to understand that a coach Baro who gives the most challenging children to the most talented parents a colorful obviously realizes you can't handle anything so he gave you a yes mommy girl and whatever you say she says yes mommy and you think you're a brilliant educator anybody can do that there's no trick to that Lee Iacocca named it probably means knows nothing to anybody over here Lee Iacocca was a vice president over at Ford and then he was taken in to save Chrysler and he did a wonderful job he saved Chrysler Motors but he tells the story of his biography called Iacocca that when he was a vice president over at Ford there was somehow a discussion about barbecuing and Henry Ford the third I guess it was said nobody makes a burger you know like my chef bill he makes the best burgers in the world and you know every man believes that he can barbecue you know that's that's that's you know something primal they are they were returning to their caveman roots you know so everybody should be able to you know to barbecue so they don't say what do you mean I make the best burger in the world I make the best burger in the world so they decide to make a contest at every weekly meeting a different person would make there would make the hamburger now let's see see who's the best and so each one would make it this one had his special method he spent his special sauce he had this you know and each time he would say it's good but it's not like bill it's good it's not like bill he says so one day I went down to the kitchen and and I said the bill I said how do you make your burger and he says oh I'll show you he takes the most expensive cut of steak he sticks it in the meat grinder forms it into a patty throws it on the grill and says like that there's your question how hard is it to be able to take the greatest thing in the world and be able to make something out of it you know there's the television show on the Food Network called chopped yeah it's a very very emotional show people with with high blood pressure should not watch this this is too difficult yeah what it is basically is for chefs and they have to prepare three courses and they have to each each round you eliminate somebody yeah and they have a basket of weird ingredients and they give you all these weird ingredients and you have to make a course out of it you know so I said oh they shouldn't make a kosher chopped you know let's take a look what's in the basket brisket potatoes paprika and onions hmm I think I'm gonna make a roast person when you have like canned haggis you know and lollipops you know like you know go make something out of that you know it's what we're challenging of course them you have so if you got a yes mommy kid there's no challenge to it everybody gets the challenge that they can handle and you know I speak for organizations like a time and I see people who are struggling with childlessness and it's it's so painful it's so painful and it's one of the amazing things that I've seen is I've seen people wrestle with childlessness and then have a child and then complain about how the kids no good now you know what I don't fault them it's a Raschi yeah luckily mainu is crying she says if i don't have a child it's like I'm dead yeah Mason ivy yeah well unbelievable thing and she finally has a child and Rashi says she says now if something breaks I have somebody to blame it on that's what you needed a child's worth yes buy a puppy your job that so the bali Musa says even that in other words now I'm normal I could even complain about my kid I'm so normal that I have a kid that I can complain about like everybody else complains about their kids I don't have to just sit there when I don't have a child then listen everybody complaining about their kids and I'm thinking if only you had a child I have a child I can complain about him dude like with everybody else yeah I had a student she went into Social Work and she was working in a mental institution people who had lost their mind and she said to me I would look these people up on social media and these people were normal they had normal lives there were normal people and then they weren't insane and they lost their minds and now they they have no chakras to who they used to be and she looks at me and she says that's the most painful thing in the world and I said there that's a real hard thing to say I spoke for an organization at time for for children for couples that have no children and they'll tell you that that's the most painful thing in the world I spoke for parents whose kids went off the Dera who who are they don't know where they are at night they know what they're doing where they went you know as parents we have we have expectations and dreams for our children and it's all gone and they'll tell you that's the most painful thing I've spoken with older singles I'm talking about groups of all the singles where the girls who would tell me their ages were in their 40s the other ones wouldn't even tell me their age and you know which each passing year they you know they asked me do you think I should freeze my eggs you know so I could still have children at and I speak to two parents who who have children who are severely handicapped and what it is for them to have to try to be able to take care of those children and I talked to people who don't have money literally to put food on the table I speak for Karin Ezra Shabbos and they said the reason they started it is because they used to see they were they were Tommy demand teller or and people would come by at the end of the meals and collect the half-eaten masala and on bread or for the tables that took their family ate he says and I asked one of them I said what about Shabbos he says well and a good week we buy a can of tuna fish that we all share you know I spoke for the Tom Kha Shabbos in Muncie you know and they said that the guy had a you know garage with with no heat you know no no electricity nothing you know that that a family had to had to live in because they lost their that lost their house had no place to go you know and and and the freezing cold Muncie winter you know well you know what that is not to be able to feed your family you know and and it goes and it goes and it goes you know and which is the worst pain my answer is my pain is the worst pain Mel Brooks when he was during the 2000 year old man you know they call Reiner yes mrs. did you ever have comedians he says oh we had a guy Murray one day a tiger walks into the cave and he grabs him by the tail and goes yeah yeah and the tiger turned around and ate him haha that doesn't sound very funny you know he says what do we have back then RKO then with Murray and the tiger you know he says but that sounds more like tragedy he says what's what's comedy he says what's tragedy what's comedy tragedy if I cut my finger comedies have you fallen to an open manhole and died my pain is something that is so real and it's very hard for people sometimes to move outside of their own pain to be able to see and understand somebody else's and in this week's Punisher yeah yeah you get the gamut you get you get to see a father who's blind you know I'm going to give a Braja to his children one of them is Russia Abraham dies before ASA became a Russia because a Kurdish borough promised him save at over that he's gonna have a good old life I gave a good old life if you see a grandson go after there you know and and you see ten years of childlessness you know and yeah and and you see all the different kind of difficulties that people have to go through life is going to be filled with challenges and it's so interesting that it's called told ace this is where we begin the generations of the Jewish people and we're in this world to face challenges at the missile's asurim says Vellamo i'd been sayin we're gonna be given tests and challenges if you have no tests and you have no challenges it could be says the kymaro you have to worry that a coach merical just gave up on you hasn't care anymore the challenges tell you something if you studied for a test and you walk into a room and you're smart and you're capable and the teacher hands you a blank piece of paper and you say no no I want to test like everybody else says don't worry about it I already gave you a hundred no but I want to take the test that's cute you know why don't you draw a picture and we'll hang it up afterwards but be to a quietly because everyone else is taking the test this is mystic eraser covered yes so could his burro who isn't gonna give you the test yeah we have challenges and everybody has their challenges people have challenges with children we're not having children or getting married we're not getting married yeah people have challenges with with money with finances with health you know with disabilities with all kinds of things that we have to deal with in life and life is filled with challenges life is filled with difficulties which is the most painful which is the most painful what would you say not having children having children who pass away spoken to parents you know widows orphans illness poverty not getting married not having children I don't know don't don't fall into the trap of measuring other people's pain because that's it you know the pain is real the pain is real and if you try to compare your pain to somebody else's pain you're going to be frustrated because you don't know what a person can handle you don't know what a person can handle some people if they had to face what other people had to face they would they would just collapse they don't have the tools to deal with it yeah and other people are very strong other people can handle a tremendous amount I'm gonna tell you something I heard from a close Talmud I don't know if it's true I can't tell you if it's true yeah everyone knows that if Sheinberg SATs I used to wear a lot of touches a lot of touches yeah and I remember when I was teaching and heard of it so that once took the boys to Heinrich and they said whatever you do don't ask him about the titties yeah so well Sheinberg speaks for a little bit and it says I'm gonna take questions so a guy raised his hand that says okay rabbi what's the deal with the Texas and he says when you get to be an old man like me I'll tell you yeah he never told anybody officially but but when he passed away yeah so close Tom had told me and he says and I asked his son and he confirmed it yeah or Sheinberg was an unusually strong person unusually strong well what do I mean unusually strong when he was a young man in his 80s he used to get up on your Kippur walk from mattersdorff to the castle to Darvin of a secant and then he'd walk back from the Geisel back to your Shiva and stand at the endowment for the armored for the rest of him Kippur that's when he was a young man in his 80s when it was in his 90s already was a lot more difficult but there was one Shabbos when he Anna he had a heart incident I don't know it was a heart attack or what it was and they wanted to rush him to the hospital he says what on Chavez you wait till I have to show he was he was unusually strong and he wanted to be Novato his gosh miss and he used to wear these stitches because it was able to dampen it a little bit the same Talmud told me that one time his fellow yard melted from the heat of all this of wearing all those stitches yeah he was he was somebody who was unusually strong unusually gifted very special person some people are like that other people are like me good people say I say how long has it take to get there they go it's a 10 minute walk I said to get from my bedroom out my front door is 10 minutes what are you talking Jackie Mason says we're gonna have an intermission I'm gonna ask the Gentiles to booze let the Jews leave first she says it takes them longer so Gentile gets up and he believes and they jus goes something pulling over here this leg is something I was laying some people it's hard some people tired they can't get up without a cracks and other people they're very strong some people can handle a tremendous amount of emotional tension and other people if one thing goes wrong babe they just fall apart they don't know what to do they wander around yeah can't handle it and uh I know this lady wonderful lady I used to joke with her I said you know this too is super organized as is used to put away her fruits and vegetables in alphabetical order you don't even like she was it's very old it said whatever she has some spare time she rearranges the sock drawer you know I mean I had that kind of a prison very organized the other people you walk into their houses hop plop everything's all over the place you know just just to get themselves together you know certain people no problem they get up in the morning other people if they wake up in the morning they want a round of applause did you see I got up this morning life is filled with challenges yeah don't measure anybody's pain don't try to figure out who has the worst yeah don't don't don't go down that road just remember that whatever we have to face that's the challenges that a coach burrow who gave me and it would be nice if things turned out better but as I tell the story all the time you know that's classic guy told me this story once when things were going wrong and he says to me I Blade II is but did shift was working with his cause see them and he said if I was a courage broker you know what I would do they said what Reba he said just what he's doing now why you think I'm smarter than him we think we're smarter than him don't be smarter than him he knows what he's doing it's a sham all of us will have the physic when we look at the of us and the most and all the challenges the Jews have had to face throughout history to face whatever our challenges are with a smile [Music]