A Generation Of Spoiled Brats (Ep. 249)

Hi, this is Rabbi Alansky and welcome to the Rabbi Alansky show. Whether you're watching with our friends of our attorney time, wherever you watch and listen to your podcast. As always, it is a thrill to have you along and don't forget to like, share, and subscribe. Assuming that that applies to any of your places that you're watching. And uh this is sponsored. As I mentioned last time, we need sponsors and they make the show go and keep it going. So, a special thank you to everybody who in my last appeal, you know, stood up and and came up to the bat to make sure that we have sponsorship so we can keep the show going. And uh we're we're looking forward to reading your sponsorship. Sponsored anonymously with tremendous gratitude to Rabbi Alansky shlita. That's me. For making so many people's lives happy and meaningful. Thank you. I I cannot think of uh better epitaph than than to say that uh I was able to make people's lives happy and meaningful. I was asked once, "What do you want people to say at your levaya?" Look, he's moving. But short of that, making people's lives happy and meaningful would be just as good. Um Well, it wouldn't be just as good, but it would always be good. I think it's actually moving would be better. All right, that brings us to the question and answer portion of our program. Not really. That is usually at the end, but there's one question that I decided to start the show with. By Yedidya Schefferman. You once gave a shiur and mentioned Planters Peanuts. It was one of the best shiurim I've ever heard. Could you do the same topic in a podcast? Um okay. That's why we started with that question. Because, you know, I take requests. We take requests. I don't know if I've ever done this on a podcast before, but if I did, I'm going to do it again. I know there are those of you out there who listen to every single sheer I have ever given and remember things that I don't. And I had somebody come and join as a live audience at one of my podcasts and at the end he said to me, "You didn't say one thing I haven't already heard." So, and I didn't do that because I was repeating. I just don't remember. I don't remember what I say. I was in America recently and someone came over to me and said, "I was in high school when you were recruiting for Or David and I still remember what you said." Now, that had to be 30 years ago. Yeah. He says, "During the question-answer part, somebody asked, 'How do your boys come back from Israel?' and you said, 'On a plane.'" Now, I don't remember having ever said this. Every now and then I see quotes from me that I have no recollection of. My daughter was listening to a sheer and this person quoted me on the sheer. She says, "Abba, listen to this." And I don't have any recollection of ever talking about this topic. It was a famous Gemara with Reb Preida. Reb Preida had a talmid who had a lot of trouble learning and he had to repeat everything 400 times till the kid hopped it. So, one time he says, you know, "Okay, after you know, we finish learning, I'm going to a Sheva Brachas, whatever." And he did it the usual 400 times and the boy didn't hop it. And he says, "What happened today?" He said, "I was nervous the whole time you were going going He said, "No problem. I'm not going." And he did it another 400 times. And a bas kol came out and said Reb Prayda has a choice that he can become a ben olam haba or have a very, very long lifespan. So, the person who was giving the shiur asked, "Okay, Reb Prayda got this bas kol, why didn't the boy get it? The boy sat there and learned the same thing for 800 times until he hopped it. Why didn't he get it?" He says, "I once heard Reb Dovid Olvsky answer this question. I have no recollection of ever talking about this gemara ever." Yeah. He says, "Why didn't the boy get a bas kol?" And Reb Dovid Olvsky said, "Cuz the bas kol didn't want to have to repeat ITSELF 400 TIMES." UH HAPPENS TO BE BRILLIANT, BUT I DON'T remember ever saying it. I remember half of the stuff I say. So, um uh So, uh when when people ask, you know, "How could you say this over again?" etc. It could be I talked about this on a different podcast. I don't know. I don't remember. But, uh but it could be. I um we have 250 podcasts, give or take. Yeah, I didn't go back and re-listen to all of them. Yeah. Not that I wouldn't because I'm listening to my podcast is still the most enjoyable thing I can think of even for myself, you know. And because I have no memory, I'm listening to this and I'm like, "Oh, this first time I'm hearing this." Uh there is a um a best of season 1 and season 2 rolls. They were I don't know if they were put up directly on the website or or or we just added the link at the end of a podcast, but uh I watched those and I'm just amazed of how much stuff I said that I have no recollection of what I was saying. So, we're still waiting for years 3, 4, 5, and 6. So, uh if you're out there, you know, we're we're thinking of you. Anyway, but it's it's just absolutely amazing to to the body of content of Like I told you, I talk all the time. I'm always talking. Just some of it some of it gets recorded 1 hour a week. So, uh yeah, I'll I'll I'll talk about this. I've talked about this in the past and it's a very important concept. So, if I've spoken about it before, you know, Mesillas Yesharim talks about the importance of chazarah, that how you have to go over everything and to be able to remember it. And um um the chazal say, you know, daima uh learning 100 times to 101 times. The more you review it, the stronger is your hold on it the form or you remember it. I haven't had the Rabbi Yisrael Salanter mug for a while, so. Um I'm thinking maybe uh you know, when we have too many sponsorships, we'll we'll start selling merch. I don't know what you think, you know. Everybody should have their own Rabbi Yisrael Salanter mug in the morning. Doesn't that Just look at that Look at that bright cheery face. If that doesn't wake you up, what will? Anyway. The topic to which the Plants vs. Zombies appear is the following topic and I definitely have talked about this topic many times in different forms, but Reb Dovid Brisker used to tell his talmidim when he would give them mussar, "What can I expect from you? What have you ever seen? I once saw Reb Boruch Ber come out of the bathroom and make a asher yatzar, it changed my life forever. And it's a good point. What have you seen? What what do we know? I've told students for years now because there was a time when my students were the age of my children, now my students are the age of my grandchildren. And um and uh you know, I said, "Listen, I feel bad for your generation cuz you were raised by my generation. And my generation never grew up. My parents were adults. My father and mother went through the depression. People who went through World War II. Uh they were called the greatest generation. My father went out, started a business with nothing. Had nothing. Had to borrow the money to to buy the business. He worked young and valila. And he bought a house. Nobody helped him with the house. You know, and uh he supported his family and he you know, he did what he had to do. My mother would go to work with him and you know, she would come back and she would cook supper and she would uh and she would make Shabbos right. There was never never complaint. I didn't complain cuz she did what you had to do. That's what it was. And they raised our generation that they we should have it easier than them. Yeah? I'm probably at the edge of the baby boomer generation. I don't know exactly what comes next, but uh I was born in '59. Yeah, close enough. Um my brother, my oldest brother alav hashalom, he was born mamish 1950. Yeah? He was uh he was mamish a boomer, you know? And uh when I was a little kid, he used to line up the younger children to sing uh backup for him as he practices doo-wop. You know, so he'd be singing and we all of us little kids would be sitting there going, "Duke, Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl. Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl. Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl." Which explains why I turned out the way I did cuz when other children my age were memorizing Mishnayos, I was doing, "Duke of Earl. Duke, Duke, Duke of Earl." But uh you know, we were raised with a sense of entitlement. Where uh uh my father grew up in a house where they only spoke Yiddish and in poverty and we grew up middle class um and uh y- uh Americans, entitled. And everything was coming to us. That was a sense. It was a sense. But we at least still had a sense of of priority. All right? I never called one of my parents' friends by their first names. I would never think of it. It was Mr. This and Mrs. That and Miss This and Dr. This and and and uh you know, you you spoke to people with a sense of respect. Um at some point, you know, they came up with using your first name when they would call you and I I know somebody who uh they called him up and said, "Hi, you know, is this uh is this uh Steve, you know?" And he says, "This is Mr. So-and-so. Yes, how can I help you?" Well, you're my buddy. You call me by first name? Well, uh you you conducted yourself with a sense of there are adults and there are children. When I was growing up, it would never occur to a kid when their parents told them something to say no. You know, you did what you were told. You might not be happy about it. You might mumble and grumble, but you did it. Uh there was there was a still a sense that there was something in society. Um you had your school clothes and your play clothes. You would go to school and you'd wear a nice shirt, nice pair of uh slacks, you know. And uh you didn't wear sneakers, a pair of shoes. And these were your school clothes. When you came home, you changed into your dungarees, you know, and your polo shirt. And you went outside to play in your your sneakers to go outside and play. Your kids, you know. Uh and you you set aside your school clothes and you you kept them nice. Uh there was there was a sense of going to school. There's a way you go to school and there's a way you behave and there's a way you talk and people didn't scream. People didn't run around. People, you know, there there was a certain sense of discipline that we had even though we were brought up as spoiled brats and entitled. Yeah? The next generation, forget about it. Ev- everything was coming to them. I've told this story, I'm pretty sure. Uh my official Nados will I'm sure remind me where and when, but um I have a friend and he said that uh his cousin his daughter got married to a young man and he supported them. He himself supported them in Israel for years while he was learning. And uh he uh paid their rent, got them, you know, gave them uh you know, credit card for food. They would go out to eat, you know, and clothing, whatever they needed for themselves and for the children. He managed footed the whole bill for years. Finally, he decided that he had enough of learning and he wanted to become a lawyer. And he wanted his share to pay the tuition for NYU law school. And he says to him, "Listen, I can't afford NYU tuition. It's too much money. But I'll pay for a state school." They broke off relations. They stopped They stopped talking to him. Wouldn't let him see their grandchild. You don't give me what I want? Forget it. We We want nothing to do with you ever again. As an Israeli fellow, he said he told us this story. He says, "This wealthy fellow came over to me and said, 'Can I borrow money?'" He said, "Sure, but don't you have enough money?" He says, "It's all tied up in investments." He says, "Yeah, of course. I I I trust you impeccably. I'll lend you whatever whatever I can afford. I'll give you, sure. Why?" He says, "Because my daughter got married to a boy and as part of the arrangements, I promised to buy an apartment. But I don't have the money right now cuz it's all tied up in investments. So, I'm paying their rent in a very nice apartment. And I got a hazmana to baystin. The boy is taking me to baystin to demand his apartment." So, I'm going to buy them an apartment right next to his parents. And that's it. You're done. You're going to take me to baystin? Sue me? That I should buy you an apartment? The sense of the sense of entitlement is frightening. Absolutely and frightening. And and the next generation, forget about that. Don't even try to discipline them. The The next generation at all. Just you know, wild wild people. And the Gamorah says if a kid's not succeeding in learning and whatever, you have to be masada them. Kids want seder. As I always say that teaching and acting are the same profession. Because if you are a teacher, you have to be the same teacher every single day of school. You uh you had a really bad day and you can't come in and just like say, "Okay, everybody just read your book. I'm putting my head down, you know." You have to be teacher. And even if you're very upset, you can't come in and say, "All right, quiet you little rats. You better be quiet or I'll kill a bunch of you." And if you're feeling really happy and giddy, you can't come in and like do, you know, a little little dance, you know what I mean? Cuz it'll freak the kids out. They don't want to see you too happy or too sad. They want to see you when too angry. They want to see you as teacher every single day. And today everything is just a hefke velt. You know. And people are afraid afraid of the students, afraid of everybody. There's a fellow I know who is uh runs a kid of Kailua someplace in Israel. He told me had a kid who was having problems. He was hitting his parents. He it was stealing money from them. He was breaking things in the house. Like just, you know, out of anger just smashing things. So he finally says, "Look, I I have no choice. I'm going to call the police and, you know, have social services put you in a home. I I I can't deal with you." And a friend of his said, who was in the area, he says, "I wouldn't do that." He He "Why? We we can't handle it." He says, "Because if that kid says to the social worker, my parents hit me, then you'll go to jail." So, parents cower in fear of their children. And uh every- everything's broken down. So, um the example I give is uh I was uh walking and I tripped. Now, let's be fair, it was at night and there was a tree, and the tree roots had extended into the sidewalk, and the sidewalk was misshapen. And I couldn't really see it at night, and I tripped and I fell and I broke my ankle. And uh I was uh taken to the uh emergency room. And they called my my father, you know. And the doctor said to me, "Stupid kid, why don't you watch where you're going?" And my father comes and says, "Stupid kid, why don't you watch where you're going?" Now, this could have happened in front of somebody's store, and the storekeeper would have come out and said, "Stupid kid, why don't you watch where you're going?" And that was considered you didn't watch where you're going, you tripped, it's your fault. So, uh the the moral of the story is, next time you'll watch where you're going. You'll be more careful. Today, I'll sue the shopkeeper. I'll sue the homeowner who didn't take care of the sidewalk. I'll sue this one, I'll sue that one cuz it can't be it's my fault. It can't be it's my fault. They have no fault insurance. No fault insurance says, no matter what happens, it's not my fault. Because being an adult means taking responsibility. Achrayis. That's what it means to be an adult. I take achrayis. I am responsible. And uh that's why I point out Ronald Reagan was an adult. Yeah. When the a suicide bomber blew up uh the barracks in Lebanon with the American troops and over 200 servicemen were killed. He got on television and he said I'm the commander-in-chief. And nobody else to blame but me. You point your fingers at me. I'm the one who's responsible. When uh Bill Clinton lied under oath right? It's a felony. He was disbarred. Uh the the the the bar association kicked him out of his lawyer because he uh because he lied under oath. He's not allowed to be a lawyer. Or as Jackie Mason put it, he's such a liar, he can't even be a lawyer. Um his defense was it's not my fault that I lied. They shouldn't have asked me the question. Oh, okay. Now I understand. It's not your fault that you lied. You had no choice. They asked you a question. I wouldn't have lied if they didn't ask me the question. Because that generation does not have assume any responsibility. Nothing is my fault. Nobody wants to take responsibility. No one wants to be a grown-up. I used to teach in a seminary. And sometimes the mothers would come. And uh sit in class with their daughters. And not everyone, but very often they would come in, they were wearing a full and a baseball cap, and jean skirt, you know, sneakers and pushed down socks, chewing gum. I don't let gum chewing in my class, but can't really discipline the parents. And you didn't know who was the teenager and who was the adult. You're like, "Don't you have to grow up at some point? Don't you have to become an adult?" It's not even a value today. It's not even a value to be an adult. Tom Hanks, who has been at this point in about 450,000 movies, yeah, it's it's a contest between him and Nicholas Cage who can be in more movies, you know. So, he was at the beginning of his career he was in a movie called Big, where he's a 13-year-old boy, and he makes a wish that he'd become big and he becomes a 30-year-old man. And then, of course, he's a he's a child in a man's body, and that's what the basis of the of the humor is based on. And um uh similar to Freaky Friday, I guess, where people switch places, parents and children, but anyway. So, I remember reading an op-ed piece in the New York Times by a woman who wrote, she says, "I was watching this film with uh you know, uh I was on a date with a guy. And at one point, he says to the girl who thinks that he's a regular adult, she says, 'I'm I'm only a 13-year-old boy.' Says, "And every man in the audience started laughing hysterically." Says, "Because at the end, they all think that they're a little boys." Nobody wants to be the grown-up. Nobody wants to take responsibility. Have you ever been in a home where everybody's whining? Mom, I can't find my shoes. Well, I don't know where you put it. Why don't you look for them? Well, I don't know where to look. Ask your father. I didn't see the shoes. How am I supposed to know where they are? Oh, where are we going to find the shoes? I'm not going to be able to go to school. And you're just waiting for an adult to come in and slap everybody like grow up. Take responsibility. Ugh, I can't make Shabbos. It's too hard. We can't make Pesach. Let's go away. I can't handle these kids. I can't deal with this. I can't manage this. Everything is too hard. Why? Why do I have to do it? Why is it my responsibility? Why do I have to take care of this? Everyone's whining. How about an adult stand up and take responsibility? So, when I was in a mashgiach in a yeshiva during a particularly dark period of my life, you know, um Reb Vig Miller, when he became a mashgiach, he said, "I knew I would be the doorman. I didn't know I'd be the doormat." You know? Anyway, there was this one boy. It was mostly guys who came right out of high school. But this particular fellow had spent a year in college, and therefore he was much more mature than everybody else. I know because he kept telling me all the time how he was so much more mature than everybody else. And uh And one point, I just said to him, "You know, davening starts at 7:15. You don't get out of bed till 11, sometimes 12. So, why do you think you're so mature?" Cuz maturity means take responsibility. And without missing a beat, he said, "Maybe you should be asking yourself why you can't motivate me to get out of bed? Because ultimately this is your failure, Rabbi. And I was stunned how he could just instead of stopping and looking and saying, "Gee, maybe there's a problem with me." Right? Uh I have a nephew. He was in Yeshiva. I don't want to give more information than that. But uh he would very often miss night seder. And the Mashgiach asked, "Where are you?" And he would say, "Well, I'm going to have uh dinner with my uh aunt and uncle cuz I'm homesick and it's very tough for me." Of course, he was never here. He went out with his friends. He did whatever he wanted to do, but we were a convenient excuse. But if you're going to use people as an excuse and you're going to have them as an alibi, you better cue them in so they know how to how to tell the story, you know? So um uh So, I wasn't here. One time the Mashgiach calls my wife. Now, having been a Mashgiach, I know I know how these how these tricks work, but my wife doesn't. She's a very honest uh good person. I'm not. Opposites attract. The Mashgiach says, "You know, your nephew's learning by us." He goes, "Yeah, I know." He goes, "I'm afraid that he's homesick." She says, "Oh, I I wasn't aware of that." He goes, "Yeah, uh maybe you should invite him like not just for like a Shabbos, but like, you know, maybe just for a dinner during the week or something." She says, "Sure, I'd be happy to." He goes, "Does does he ever come by? Cuz I feel like he needs to Does he ever come by during the week?" She goes, "No, not really. He's never come by for supper." He goes, "He wasn't by you last night." She goes, "No, I haven't seen him in a long time." He goes, "Okay." So, the next day he goes over to him and says, "So, where were you last night?" He says, "I told you I went to my aunt and He says, "Yo, I called your aunt and she said you weren't there." And he he's telling me all this story. He goes, "Oh my gosh, I'm busted." So, this is what he does. He says, "What? You called my aunt? Oh my gosh, why did you do that? Now, you hurt the relationship. This is the only people I have in Israel. How am I going to look at them now? Oh, my gosh, why would you do this to me? Why don't you just ask me if I was lying? I would tell you I was lying. Oh, no, what am I going to do? And then by the end he was APOLOGIZING TO HIM. UH, ABSOLUTELY BRILLIANT. Absolutely brilliant. So, uh, but but that's what happens is that people you know, it's not my fault. It's your fault for not calling me out that I was lying, you know? There's uh there were the Geffen brothers who ran the hardware store here in Har Nof for many years. And uh he said every now and then, you know, these uh cheder boys would uh like we had things on the counter, you know? So, they would run in, grab something, and run out. So, someone stole something. I don't remember what it was, a flashlight or something. But we have security cameras. So, I see the camera and I get a picture of the kid. I don't know who it is and I send it around to all the chadorim and I said, "Does anyone know who this kid is?" Because he came into my store and stole something. Okay, so sure enough one of the chadorim recognized it and uh sent it out and uh contacted the father and fine. The father comes into the hardware store and starts screaming at them. He says, "You embarrassed my kid?" He says, "He stole from me." "All kids steal." "What's the big deal? You can't afford a flashlight?" Wow. One of my brothers once stole a package of rubber bands from the five and dime. My father gave him a beating in front of the owner. You're stealing? Here he's yelling at them. Why are you getting upset at my kid for stealing? Why did you have to make an issue of it for? Now he's embarrassed. After Rabbi Pindell retired from the Hebrew Academy of Nassau County, Rabbi Gottesman became the Dean. And he asked me the following question. Listen to this question. He says this kid was 17 years old and his father bought him a new car. And a week later he smashed it smashed into a tree totaled the car. So he bought him another car. And he was with another boy from school and they were going to a hockey game and they were late. And he ran through a crosswalk and hit a lady. And the other boy said you hit that lady. He goes I know but we're late. Had they stopped and called an ambulance and gotten her medical treatment, she would have lived. As it is she died. They went to the hockey game and then they go out to see a movie and the whole time this other kid is shaking and shaking and he can't believe it you hit somebody and just go on you know. They get home that night. This kid didn't say anything but the friend was shaking like a leaf and the parents said what's the matter? Told them what happened. They called the police. They found the woman dead. They arrested the kid. And he comes back to school gets out on bail comes back to school. One of the Rebbaim say you know listen sometimes you have to fall all the way down in order to get yourself back up and you know and you don't have to rebuild. He told his father his father came in and demanded the Rebbe be fired. How dare you suggest my son did anything wrong. It was an accident. That's why it's called an accident. He didn't have any intention. So the husband says to me, "I know a judge. I might be able to get the charges dropped. Should I do it?" I said, "How many people does he have to kill before he faces the consequences of his actions? He killed somebody. If you kill somebody by Shulga, you have to go to Yom Kippur. Cuz you can't just go back and say, "Oh, it was an accident. Listen, accidents happen, you know?" There has to be consequences. You killed somebody. And the only thing the parents were worried about is that nobody should even suggest that he did anything wrong. I was Mashgiach in the Yeshiva. And uh we had a sister school. And there was a boy in the sister school who came from one of the important families in that Yeshiva. And like I say, we were we were somewhat related the schools. And the boy got thrown out. And uh so the the main Yeshiva made a deal that if he would come to us for like a month and do hard time, he could come back. But at the time, I had veto over who could be accepted into the Yeshiva. So I met with the boy. He said I said, "What happened?" He says, "The Yeshiva announced a number of times that if you go to A lot uh after Yom Kippur during uh you know, Ben Hazmanim, you'll be thrown out of Yeshiva." And I remember, you know, the Mashgiach the Rosh Yeshiva spoke uh just before the Eila on Yom Kippur and reminded everyone you're not allowed to go to uh to Eilat. I actually thought of not going, but I already bought the tickets, you know, so I went and I got caught. So, I said, "Okay, what do you want to come here for?" I said, "You should go to Yeshiva X." He said, "Well, I don't want to go there. It's a bummy place." I said, "That's cuz you're a bum. So, you should go to a bummy Yeshiva because you have no moral compass whatsoever. There's no reason for you to come here. We have a bunch of bright-eyed, bushy-tailed, you know, um you know, kids who are trying to grow in in Yeshiva. They have no shyness to you whatsoever, you know? So, I said, "From my point of view, you don't belong here at all." So, the parents pulled in all of their influence, and they put a lot of pressure on the Yeshiva, and he said to me, "I have to overrule you. We have to take this kid." I said, "Okay." And the mother called me up and said, "Listen, I hope there's no hard feelings." I said, "Not from my point of view. I'm not going to talk to your kid the entire time he's here. As far as I'm concerned, he's not in my Yeshiva." You know, he said, "I just want to make sure you don't give him a hard time." I said, "Oh, I won't give him any time. I just I really feel bad for him because he has such terrible parents." And the mother was like, "What are you talking about?" I said, "How long are you going to be able to run black for this kid? Eventually, he's going to do something where your influence doesn't help, and he's going to have to face the consequence of his actions, and it's your fault that you didn't allow him to fall down when he was little, so before it became more serious. He's going to end up in a situation that you're not going to be able to bail him out of, and then what are you going to do?" Yeah, just leave my kid alone. No problem. He did his time, you know, a month, no problem. He goes back to the Yeshiva, and we get a call. The Yeshiva came over to me and says, "Could you take him back?" I said, "I didn't take him in the first place. Why, what happened?" He says, "He went back to the yeshiva on Friday night, he got a whole bunch of people drunk, and they all slept through Shabbos. And the yeshiva says he has to leave." I said, "Oh, why isn't their parents call up and use their influence and keep them in, you know? I said, cuz you'll just go from bad to worse. If you never take responsibility, at some point you have to do it." So, um there's an award that's given out every year based on the lady from McDonald's. This woman bought a coffee at McDonald's and was driving and was holding it in between her thighs. And at some point she that spilled and burnt her leg. Who keeps a cup of coffee between their legs, exactly? It spilled, it burnt it, she crashed, and she sued McDonald's, and she won. Because they sold me a hot cup of coffee. And that's why now almost any place in America where you go, it's written on the cup, "Caution, contents may be hot." Uh, duh. So, this was considered so outrageous that they started giving out awards to the stupidest examples of this. I don't remember all of them. I remember some of them. Um a guy was driving his Winnebago and he put it in cruise control, which in his mind meant it was on automatic pilot. Of course, it's not. And then he went in the back to get a drink, and of course, it veered off the road and it crashed, and he sued Winnebago because nowhere does it say in the manual that you have to continue to drive the car when it's in uh when it's on uh cruise control. And he got a new Winnebago. And uh now, it says, "You must continue to drive the car." And, that's why it's written on a Superman Hollywoo- Halloween costume, "Caution, does not allow wearer to fly." And, that's why it's a sign on a power saw, "Caution, do not cut wood on your lap." And, that's why it says on a blow dryer, "Do not use under water." Cuz, you'll say, "Oh, nobody told me." And, my favorite example is Planters Peanuts. Planters Peanuts is called Planters Peanuts because it's peanuts. The jar is shaped like a peanut. The mascot is Mr. Peanut, who is an actual peanut with a top hat and a monocle. And, on the side of the jar, it writes, "Caution, MAY CONTAIN PEANUTS." BECAUSE, it's not my fault. How did I know there were peanuts in there? It didn't It's called Planters Peanuts. And, therefore, the attitude is, "I cannot be held responsible." It's not my fault. And, therefore, we never are expected to face the consequences of our poor decisions. And, the poor decisions just go from worse to worse, and everyone pays the price. And, that's why they are these, uh Soros-backed DAs who come in with an attitude of letting criminals out. And, you have people who've committed crimes 30 and 40 and 50 times, who go out and just no no no bail, no this, just keep doing it over and over again. Why shouldn't they? I don't know if anyone's ever seen those uh videos of like 80 people just attack a 7-Eleven and just trash the whole place and steal everything and you know, what what are you supposed to do? How do you stop them? Like a like a swarm of locust descends on a field and and eats everything and just destroys everything. And that's why the last mission in Sicha which describes what's going to be the most of Messiah is the young will have no respect for the old. Uh nobody will have respect for Torah. Um parents children won't respect their parents. Uh everything will just fall apart. And it all comes down from one thing, no one wants to assume responsibility. Yeah. It's not my fault. Not my fault. Uh I heard somebody speak about the this I'm pretty sure I've mentioned in the past. I heard somebody speaking about the uh various social issues that the from publications like to write about each week. Along with the disease of the week. My wife keeps making me uh doctor appointments every time another issue comes out with whatever the latest disease is, you know. So uh um so they uh whatever the problem is and uh this one uh this one uh social worker said, "None of these things are new. They were always there. There was always alcoholism, there was always abuse, there was all these things. There's only one phenomenon that's new and that's young couples who get divorced in the first 2 years. That's become a brand new phenomenon. This never happened. And I've spoken to some of these couples. And they all say the same thing. They all say the same thing. Okay, he's crazy, she's crazy. Okay, that goes without saying. He's abusive, she's abusive. Okay, that that goes without saying. But they have another line that they all use. I don't have to take this. I don't have to put up with this. You know, I have plenty of people wanting to go out with me. What do I I don't I don't have to be treated this way. Cuz everybody was raised to think that you're the center of the universe. And then you two centers of the universe collide. And there will be collateral damage. That's what happens. If I'm the most important person in the world, you're the most important person in the world. That's what ends up happening. It's all about me. And then when you have that philosophy and no one's willing to take responsibility and no one's willing to care. I'll end it with an upbeat story. I don't remember where the story's from. I heard it many years ago. Um This guy gets married to his wife and he gives her as a ring his mother's mother's engagement ring. Mother gave it to him to give to her. It's a mother's mother's engagement ring. Very old ring. And uh it was a family heirloom. And this daughter-in-law had a strained relation with her mother-in-law. It happens from time to time and we she did the best she could. I'm sure everybody did the best they could, but it was a strained relationship. And uh at some point they want to deal on Pesach and she loses her ring. They search high and low, they can't find the ring. Well, when tells her mother, her mother goes becomes very upset. Yeah? And the daughter becomes very defensive, and it's mom is at the breaking point. Mom is at the breaking point. Doesn't know what to do. They're They're They won't even talk to each other. They're so angry at each other. Now, in certain circles, when a boy gets married, he wears a kapota. I asked this once to one of these boys. I said, you know, this is for a yeshiva. He goes, "It's like a woman wears a wedding dress. He says, we get a kapota. It's not It's not meant to be like for a yeshiva, you know? It's what they wear." And there are people who wear it on the sholosh regalim. So, sukkas he's putting on his kapota. He reaches into his pocket, and he sees his wife's ring. Says, "You must have given it to me to hold on to, and I left it in my kapota." She goes, "I can't believe it. This whole machlokes is only because of you." And she goes to her mother-in-law and says, "You see? You're blaming me. It's your It's your idiot son who did this." You know what I mean? He goes, "Oy, he's such a dreicop." You know that? And the two of them finally bonded over complaining about him. That's the one thing that the mother and the and the children, you know, had in common. I remember when my parents and my in-laws met for the first time, they were able to bond over who was more disappointed in me. Right? Well, okay. Anyway, for years, this was a running joke in the family. Oy, Chaimke, he's a he's a such a such a dreicop, you know? He remembers and that, you know? And that And it went on 20 years he was taking this abuse, you know? And he would just smile, you know? At some point, she decided, you know, they're getting older now. It's 20 years, you know? Maybe by then they they would have been married for 25 years, who knows? She decides to have her jewelry um insured. She brings it down to this very very old jeweler that had worked in the family for many years. And uh brings her jewelry. He's looking at the engagement ring and says, "What's this?" He says, "Well, this is an engagement ring that my mother-in-law gave me." He says, "No, it's not." He says, "I saw that ring when your mother-in-law had it. I had insured it for her. This is a different ring." He says, "What?" He says, "It's a copy. It's a It's a good copy, but this is not the same ring. I mean, I'm sure it's also worth uh worth something. We'll evaluate it and you know, the stone and such." It turns out that the husband went out and made a duplicate of the ring and pretended that he had left it in his jacket. And for 20 years, he let his mother and wife abuse him for the sake of shalom. To take achrayis because someone has to step in here and solve this problem. And I will be it. I mentioned last week my friend Rabbi Norman Lamm, who was nifter, and uh he was a man of achrayis. He would take responsibility. You know? And it turned out that there was a chevra kadisha that had plots and cemeteries and things that they managed that was uh called Young Israel, but was independent. At the time, he was the head of National Council of Young Israel. He was the executive director, whatever he was running. And they came to him and asked him if he would take this on. And he says, "You want to incorporate into Young Israel?" He says, "No. I'm afraid that if a national organization gets a hold of it, they won't manage it properly and the funds will be used and this is a care and that's been set up and to bury these people and take care of them. We want you to take care of it. We're not going to give you any money. It's just we trust you. You seem like an honest guy." And he took this on. He ran the whole thing. And at some point, National Council have found out about it and they started pressuring him to turn it over to them and he said, "No. I was asked to keep this separate. I'm going to take care of it." He did this on his own. And whenever a situation would pop up, you know, it was Barry who would jump in and deal with whatever the situation is. It's called an adult. It's a throwback. We're taking responsibility. Saying, "Achrayis." And so, uh if we want to get out of this tell us Remember, we built an eigel. It was a little tiny calf because we didn't believe that we could face Hakadosh Baruch Hu on our own. And we listened to the Meraglim who said, "It's too hard for us to do Eretz Yisrael." And at some point, we as a people just have to grow up. And that's the answer to the first question. And now, we come to the official question and answer portion of our program. And the question and answer this week is sponsored in honor of my wonderful wife Shira on the occasion of an anniversary number higher than I can count. Ellie. Isn't that beautiful? And uh a sponsorship for the Rabbi Laskin show is always the perfect gift. When you say, "What am I going to get you for your anniversary?" You know, an appliance, a piece of jewelry, you know, take you out for dinner. No. Sponsor uh Torah that will be machzik people all over. What could be better? If the sponsorship entitles me to a question, how should women honor their husband? No, it doesn't entitle you to a question, but thank you very much for sponsoring. Uh nonetheless, I'll be happy to answer this. How should a wife honor her husband? I think this is great. I think it's great. What better anniversary present than telling your wife how to honor you? Well, I I ended the podcast portion of the program with a story about how husbands have to honor their wife. Yeah. So, there's a mitzvah for a wife to um to to be her husband. And how do you do that? I Remember hearing Reb L'Astree uh speaking once in a sheer. If you're not familiar with Reb L'Astree, he's a Israeli who um uh is very funny and does a lot of routines. And has a lot of toichen. He's like me, only he's not as funny and he has too much toichen. But anyway, so he said once, when it comes down to a husband, it means one thing. Kavod. A husband needs kavod. When I was growing up, there were a whole bunch of television shows like Father Knows Best, Make Room for Daddy, you know? Um all these kind of shows where the father was smart and intelligent and capable and the wife was smart and capable and the children all honored their parents and this was the way it went. But the wife, of course, recognized that the husband was the husband. But yeah, yeah. You know, "Dear, don't you think you should Yes." And then at some point we ended ended into this era where every abba is uh the butt of the joke and uh and they they aren't being taken seriously and everybody's laughing at them behind their backs. This was best illustrated to me once by one of my kids when I was complaining about, I don't know, something of how the kids were treating me or whatever it was, you know, and my kids, there's a word in Hebrew it's called nakati. It's like nebuch, you know what I mean? And they said, "Aba, don't be nakati. You sound like the Berenstain Bear, Aba." And it hit me. That's the Berenstain Bears. Mama is in charge, and she's responsible, she's this, and and uh Papa is the butt of all the jokes. You know, when when the children are being disciplined for eating too much junk food, so is he. When there's something going on, you know, they're they're procrastinating, so is he. Whatever the thing is, that he's one of the kids, you know? And and the strong female protagonist is there to uh to um to give it over. But but the fact where everybody is strong and everybody is, you know, working together, you don't have that anymore. And so, when uh wife mocks her husband at the Shabbos table in front of company or in front of the children, besides the fact that you're destroying the entire dynamic of the family, you understand? And the kids will not take Aba seriously, and people will now laugh at him, this and that. He loses his koved, which is the most important thing. And so, when you say, "How is a wife mechabed her husband?" she is mechabed her husband by giving him koved. And when you don't find that, then you have in Jewish history Eishes Korach, you know, who makes her husband feel bad, makes him feel small, instead of building him up and making him feel like he's somebody chashuv. And so, uh you know, I remember this wife telling me I asked my husband to learn Gamara with the boys and he doesn't really want to. I don't know if he really can. So, I learn with them. But they say to me it's not the same. No, it's not the same. The children should learn with their Abba. The Abba should have So, there was a story with a Nitziv where this guy is complaining and he says, "I get no respect in my home. My My wife doesn't respect me. My kids don't respect me. What should I do?" He says, "Start learning night seder." He says, "No, no, but I have a problem in my house." He says, "Listen to me." "Go out and and just learn night seder. Don't say anything to anybody. Don't argue with anything." Six months later he comes back and says, "It's a different home." My kids respect me. My wife respects me. But but when a person is machabeid, you know, and make sure that the children are machabeid the father and and and and they're machabeid the father. It's the best gift you can give. give. It's the It's for your husband. Between me and you, it's for you. It's for your children. You know, it it mommish is the part of the bedrock of what makes a Torah home. Okay, next question by anonymous. Is music a gashmius pleasure or can it also be ruchnius? Pashut it's ruchnius. Um The Zohar Kodesh says that the Sha'arei Neginah are next to the Sha'arei Teshuvah. Nagain, right? Music, I think it's the Gra says is nun gan. It's the 50 levels that bring you up to Gan Eden. That's what music is. And music, you know how music works? It's an octave. Do re mi fa so la ti do. What do I need do again for? Cuz As comes around on a higher level. You go through all seven notes and then you start again on a higher level. That's an octave. And it it's like time itself. Like we have a week and then the next week is carrying on from the week before the Kedusha of that Shabbos and moving you up. And music has that power. I'm pretty sure I told this story in the past. Um Uh I was teaching the tfilos for Yom Noraim when I was uh when I was teaching. And uh and I decided to, you know, uh of course go over the nigun for uh night of Rosh Hashanah. I heard this. I don't know what the makor is, but I heard that the nigun that we sing Rosh Hashanah night goes back to the Beis Hamikdash. That's what I heard. I don't know if it's true or not, but uh I'm not paresh from I say whatever I hear, yeah. And I said, you know, when we start Rosh Hashanah night I I I I I I I I I I I I And all the boys joined in. I I I I I I I I And I had to stop teaching. I was shaking. I was I was literally shaking. And I said, "Okay, we'll stop here." And I went to the office. And one of the other rabbaim looked at me and I said, "What's the matter?" I told him what happened. He says, "No, that's the I think the Matteh Mosheh. I think it was Matteh He says, "that the nigunim that we sing on Rosh Hashanah and Yom Kippur by themselves have the power to be my area of the Chiva. And that's what the desire means when he says the Shari the Gila next to the Shari Chiva. The music itself is a transcendental experience. It speaks to something very deep inside of you. That was the reason that Nachman of Breslov used to say, "Don't listen to goyisha music because since it was made from a bad place it'll go into your neshama because that's the power of music." Um anyone who tells you not to listen to goyisha music they're basing themselves on Reb Nachman of Breslov. But um uh but the the idea that, you know, it has that power to lift you up and to and to transform you, that's what music does, you know. The Nevi'im used to have minstrels who traveled with them because you can only get into the void if you are happy. And if you weren't happy you would play music and the music would lift you back up. So uh yeah, I would say it's a spiritual pleasure. By Anonymous, "How did people know when zmanim were before the invention of zmanim charts? How did they know when plag hammincha or alois is?" And the answer is they guestimated. It uh they used the sun. And they would look at the sun and they would know based on where the sun was more or less where they was and it's possible to make a mistake. That's the Mishna in Psachim where they talk about how soon you have to stop eating chametz because you might make a mistake between 12:00 and 11:00, 11:00 and 10:00, a cloudy day, you you might not be able to see the sun. You can see where the sun is setting, where the sun is going. Um the Mishna describes, "When can you start saying Krias Shema? Uh when you can tell the difference between blue and white or between blue and green. Uh why? Well, that means that there's enough light that you can differentiate. It says cuz they had tzitzis with treilos. So, they would hold up their tzitzis and if they could tell which was the treilos string, then it was time to say Krias Shema. Others say no, they had to hold the treilos string over the grass and see if they could tell the difference between the blue and the and the green. Um but uh Alos Hashachar, I was once with a rav who was into astronomy and we were coming back, it was pretty late, and he says, "You see in the distance over there on the horizon?" It was middle of night, you know, pitch black. Says, "You see that little red line on the that little pink line at the end?" Says, "That's called Alos Hashachar." You could look and you could see where the light is starting to come back in. And uh that's why they would give you a shiur. It says Tzeis Hakochavim, how do you know what time it is? When you can see three stars. Not small stars, not big stars, medium stars, you know? Means they would go out and check for the stars. That's how they knew Tzeis Hakochavim. Um and shkiah, they would wait and watch till the sun disappeared. So, that was it. So, this so it's my Krias Shema being at uh you know, uh 9:21, that they didn't have. They could just approximate based on where the sun was, what's the third hour, the fourth hour, and based upon that, they would uh they would make you know, their time decisions. So, uh yeah, it was not an exact definitely not an exact science. They did the best best that they could with what they had. You know, the other ways of telling time, they had um sand sand clocks, they had water clocks, they They candles that they would have put notches on and light them and see you know, where they burned down to. They had sundials. You know, but that's just another way of telling the time from the sun, you know, to be able to see it. And uh um Again, on a cloudy day, it's the Maran Shulchan says on a cloudy day you can make mistakes. So, you have to be more careful because of that. You know, and uh you have to do it. So, they they they worked with the tools that they had. And that's it for this week. If you want to find out more about the show, you can go to my website rabbiorlovsky.com. You can listen to other shiurim. You can uh read articles, download the uh theme song. You could sponsor an episode, sponsor question and answer, sponsor a parsha in five. You can um uh you could uh sign up for one of our online shiurim, leave a comment, ask a question. And that's it. Until next time, I am Rabbi Orlovsky, and this has been the Rabbi Orlovsky Show. It's the Rabbi Orlovsky Show. Torah and simcha, ready to go. It's the Rabbi Orlovsky Show. Knowledge and wisdom will help you grow. Lots of fun in every episode, and we don't have to rhyme. No, we don't. It's the Rabbi Orlovsky Show. rabbiorlovsky.com Torah anytime, you, two, and more. It's the Rabbi Orlovsky Show. Torah and simcha, ready to go. It's the Rabbi Orlovsky Show. Till next time, till we meet again. The Rabbi Orlovsky Show. It's the Rabbi Orlovsky Show. It's the Rabbi Orlovsky Show.