95: Thanks for Your Time

hi this is Deborah Orlowski and welcome to the rubber life ski show whether you're watching with their friends over it or any time or whatever you watch or listen to your podcast it's very exciting to have you along with us once again for this adventure I just got an email from somebody who said he just found the podcast he's going through it to say - wow that's amazing two years of podcasts almost and it's a the amazing thing feedback I get from so many people seem to enjoy what we do here each week and it's interactive absolutely it's just together and we have response to this podcast it's sponsored Leo a mishmash the tenth yurt site of our father and father-in-law schmelff Lima been with speed Ovid halevi Obstfeld obstinate I hope I did that right abraca wishing your continuous at slaughter and meaningful inspirational you Duncan so thank you very much and this podcast should be a source oh the many people who watch this and then look forward to it and give us some positive message and I wanted to give a positive message this week and I I guess I'll get there by giving a negative message I've been told over about the comedian we'd said I want to give you a positive message but I don't have one so I'll give you two negative ones there I want to tell you two stories in the two stories juxtaposed is what I think has the important message for us especially during this this difficult time that we're all going through I remember how many years ago it was a whole bunch of years because I went with my entire family to America and we were staying with my in-laws or at the time were living in Kew Garden Hills and one of those row if you know and curing Hills they have the row houses and we were can I know her even back then whenever this was a large family a bunch of little kids you know they were it was it was not a very big house so we all sort of cooped up there and we had planned an entire day of activities to be able to go out and do nice things and my friend pays off chrome called me up and we were just about to set out they called me up now by the way I got an email from somebody who said I don't understand why you don't get covered to commit you say things like Pesach Kron instead of you know I wrapped Pesach Chrome so I'll tell you that the difference is that you know perceptrons a friend of mine because we don't with Mike or Mesa you know one of these people you know you meet you say honey you can call me Malcolm and I say how you can call me olanski I'm not careful with the title myself when when I sign things unless it's official correspondence I double our ski you know I've had rib am always referred to themselves by their regular names there are certain historical characters who you know people did not add on the honorific at the beginning so that's what I've heard from a Romanian certain people where they they just say the name without adding you know the route beforehand no I started an NCS why and I was had I was known by my nickname were alone which is shown for more love ski as we can imagine and [Music] you know eventually I went from against misa you know and I became rabbi Orlowski you know and I was speaking once in Long Island where I used to be the NCAA regional director and one of my former advisors told me that they saw a sign up and they said oh look David speaking and there was a gasp behind her there was a seminary girl who said that's rabbi Orlovsky shelita and she said to me I thought to myself I didn't call him Warlow I thought I was pretty good but anyway my friend pesach crone well if it makes you feel better I grabbed Pesach crunch later so he calls me up and he says listen I need your help that's what's going on this is a no woman and her son just came back from Eric's job and he's having problems and she thought it would be good for him to talk to her of about hushka for issues and I know that you're very good at discussing hush Guffey issues so would you be able to come and do us a favor you know and come and and and speak to a boy so I said I said okay how about a friend you know this summer each of them my wife said what am I supposed to do with the kids you know I said listen I can't I can't say no my god help somebody and you know you know I'll make it up to the kids you know and whatever so I go to face his house and this is good and he looks the nicest word I can use is someone and I said what's the matter you know what's the question because what's the point of being alive okay got your camisole susharma teach basilica sharm you know we have enough yummy share online that that we do for the website wheels out to still see Sean shares one on Sunday one at Monday so okay that's how he starts yeah you so look I see the sure-shot hood that meat to me man she's Burmese Ami's a debacle bustle well lovely first question to ask yourself is why are you in this world so I said okay cuz well who created us to get the the ultimate pleasures what for I said because that would be the best kind of a life anyway I'm sitting here trying to explain this and whenever I say the kid is like no no no what's the point what's the point this is going on for quite a while and I'm surprised because I'm usually pretty good at explaining you know certainly the beginning missiles are sharp here for many years and he just keeps saying I don't see what the point is why not just tell you something oh he says I don't say what the point a nice thing with the point its way you know what do I want pleasure for but I want to be happy for why should I want to be close - I wish I'd want any good you know why not just kill yourself and kill some happening so I said even in the non-jewish world the secular world they understand the person wants to kill himself is crazy that's crazy you know they they put on the suicide watch they put you under you know mental institution killing yourself is considered a bad thing everyone understands it likes a good thing you know I said that I said if you want to kill yourself then I mean that's crazy you know you should you don't want to see Robin would see psychiatrist I said to me I am seeing a psychiatrist I'm on medication for depression and I'd like to pay Saif and he looked at me the mother had left out that particular detail she said my son came back from Israel and he has some questions in hush COFA I am a rabbi I am NOT a mental health professional what do I know about dealing with people with suffering with depression the mother sends the kid to a rabbi to ehlo that he has haschke for questions when really the kid is suffering from from chemical depression he's on medication for it well I did whatever damage control I could under the circumstances obviously because I knew that the person was actually crazy I wouldn't have called them crazy and I caveat here because I know I'll get some angry emails you know I am 61 years old when I was growing up we didn't have any medical terms craziest my father used to say to me you're crazy I'm crazy mother's crazy bull crazy is that everybody's crazy you know so what I mean is I did not understand it there was serious underlying psychological problems here or I would have said quite openly I am not qualified to do a psychological okay okay what can I do I did the best that I could to backtrack but he was very angry you know and right I made my exit the next day I called the base after I said you know I mean how did it go after I left this is not good you know he's upset his most upset about I wish they would have told me that I was dealing with the situation here where there was some kind of mental illness and obviously I would have just said that this is not my field and I'm really not qualified to view it fine fine that's the story a year or two later I remember exactly here at two later I'm giving a lecture at the end of lecture this woman comes up to me with a friend and she says I'm mrs. so-and-so and I said okay so I'm I'm the mother of the son you know the boy that you spoke with and I said Oh how's he doing terrible it was a total train wreck you just made everything worse I said I'm not I'm not sure which is he goes you are not a you're not a mental health professional you're not in a position to deal with the situation I said did I claim to be a mental health professional what kind of a mother sends her son to speak to a rabbit without mentioning the fact that he's being seen by a professional it was totally irresponsible you apart the kid is completely messed up now it's all because of you okay III listen in front of everybody at the end of the lecture who's all coming over to ask me questions I was beside myself I was so upset I made the cardinal mistake when I got home I was so upset my mother what's the matter and I told her and she was aggravated four years later she would always bring up this story she was so upset poor old sick woman and and I was moved by this on a lot of different levels Robin Nate Siegel I would normally made single but since I got this this email even though we were both long aliens he's right there actors together but so so he he said to me you know when he was working in and he's fine he says he drove 45 minutes out of his way to drive this kid home and as soon as he comes out the mother comes out and starts yelling you my son didn't get to stay with who he was asked to be with so he said first of all thank you for driving my son home I'm sure it took you a lot of time out of your way second of all thank you so much for making such a wonderful Shaba tone that my son joined so much from thirdly your son got to the Sheraton and asked if he could move to be in a house with different people I won't tell you what he said [Music] was his conclusion from the story because it said that lesson Nikki it's not cause for solemn word but he's the reference of what he felt when you go into cloud work you become and what your role is as a particularly clean that's using this is this is what you do for somebody who came to help you I left my family I came down to help I was not being reimbursed for this I came in to try to help your son I wasn't able to help your son because you lied to us and then tell us that he was dealing with a serious mental condition and then you come over and yell at me in front of everybody that it's my fault what I didn't say is you know if your son ended up in professional care you had him a lot longer than I did and he was already seeing the psychiatrist before I met him so if you want to look at somebody in this situation who's a problem I don't think it's me I didn't say that because I was so flabbergasted that there's an expression it's a terrible expression no good deed goes unpunished yeah so hey I said to Pesach Crow to Rabbi pace I've grown my good friend I'm not available I'm sorry I'm taking my kids out my wife would have been happy my kids would have been happy and his mother would had nothing the Albert I don't know maybe she'll yell at me don't bother making time to deal with her son who was on the you know professional care of it I could then you know she blamed me I don't know what I'm so amazed I was so amazed now that's not a positive message I promise the positive message so I get made sure I went for an interview recently you know I said listen you can ask whatever you want but you can just go you know online watch my podcast I talk about everything and where my height on my sleeve I share everything that's going on in my life you know sometimes to my children's consternation you know and my son was now in his thirties people still come over and and chide him about something he did when he was three you know what can I do I'm I'm you know I'm a little too open to open you know I felt this story before you know I once had the second year girls over the house when I was teaching and I was saying the same things I say in class you know but my wife was this so she'd say rebel or ski I don't think that's what you want to say maybe Alaska I don't think that's what you mean memory allows good so so the next day I was back in class I said to say something one of the girls said if you wife was here she wouldn't let you say that I said you're right but she's not anyway well if somebody once said to me I feel like you stop and think whether or not it's appropriate what you're about to say and regardless you say it anyway but you at least take that moment to stop and think about it which i think is a nice thing in any event so I got a call from a woman of my shear she says listen I wonder if I could be so bold as to ask you how I heard you say in the shear once that you have two daughters who are divorced and I mentioned this in assume once I mean I don't Israelis have so much better it's Raley's don't say anything they keep everything it ah that's Americans are less good at that we're a little too but too you know in fact this one is really mother you know choice to go to the parent teachers meetings you know and Israelis are masters of understatement they said yeah oh yeah actually and they will get very uncomfortable so she came back from meeting when she said I was so proud of myself they said no if I co I said dude yeah that was it that's do understated I was waiting on line at the pharmacy and there were a few people behind me who I knew that several people behind somebody was standing there who knows many and he goes ah I'm in Alaska are you doing I said great he's so great why are you here I said it's great that's great they have a medication to my blood pressure it's great that they have medication for my diabetes it's great that they have a dedicated anyway every Israeli in the place is dying I mean literally dying pharmacist you don't to tell everybody everything I have always erred on the side of being a tummy yeah oh yeah it's one of my one of my problems when my dad walls but it's like I say like everything else it's toven its ride although it's when I you know everybody knows that I'm being honest and I'm being open on the other hand people wish that I wasn't always so that's why that wonderful expression and English that I had learned from personal experience where I'll be explaining something and people say TMI which means too much information yeah sometimes I get a W TMI way too much information but okay okay you know what I tell ya I wear my heart on my sleeve as I said so um so I mentioned them this year yeah it's extremely painful for me it falls under the category of the fact that I'm a tummy you know somebody said to me goes well actually the I know I'm too much thinking but somebody said to me wants well there must be something wrong with your family if you have to divorce children I said there is I taught my children wrong I told them everybody's nice and it's not true and so we we look for the best in everybody that apparently is a mistake when it comes to shidou yeah or if one person said to me I know the dirt is there I just have to find it see look you look you look yeah but seems like a nice person you know somebody said to me many years ago don't you want your daughters to marry the best boy put image I said why I don't have a fever and what am I gonna leave them I'm looking for a son loaded film like-minded you know they know where to tell some funny stories I'll see if I get them some gigs go around and speak you know I mean but I said I'm looking for someone would be the best father and husband that's what I'm looking for for my children for my daughter's not for my head not for my sons but anyway so she says I know you mentioned this in you know in the shear ones and my daughter's going through a difficult time she's met with a number of therapist Sandra Burnham they all told her she should get divorced she push it doesn't know what to do there's no how would you would you be able to find some time to meet I said try don't do anything and my best but you're sitting here wait for people to come by and visit me i I was always a trendsetter I was doing this before korone said no no I'm waiting for something to happen I was wearing a mask even back then just to show you how how forward-thinking I am anyway so she comes down and the whole time she's apologizing I'm sorry for taking up your time thank you so much for making time to see me thank you so much I appreciate it so much it and I kept saying it's my okay there's my pleasure but you know we have to be there for each other I said when I was going through a hard time for Hashem so I had some people who were unpleasant and said unpleasant comments and I have to tell you it was an opportunity for me to learn who my real friends are and who are not who stands by you and who does not who says bad things about you behind your back and who comes over to give you a pat on the back and say I'm there for you it was an eye-opening experience for me but but there were those who helped me along the way so much occurs at oh listen can I Dora I've got 11 children and some of them had issues though who miss Karev is that sound I heard him once in a present inspired convention and he says you know I make this boy he has issues what when I was younger we used to call them problems but now they're issues thank you issues and there were people who opened up the doors to me let me speak to them let me talk to them or from me advice for me sometimes a shoulder to cry on you know I always thought to myself you know face of Crone tells an unbelievable story rabbi pace I'm a bit of a fanboy I don't know if that's ever come across in this video but uh but um you know one of the great things about about professor Kron is that he's so easy to mistake for an ordinary person and he is such an extraordinary person no I just just in his his nice and things that he does so he tells his story mmm mazing story he says his his father passed away when he was young I mean he was a young boy he says and people don't want to hire young oil I'm right somebody who's old a long white beard and a lot of experience go practice on somebody else's kid you know so that was his perilous Espinosa was a mile and it was too hard and so a guy in troll came over to me he said and the guy says listen are you having difficult to you yeah lends him a sum of money he says I don't take charity since that charity it's alone when you're able you'll pay back okay he says I'll tell you the truth it carried me through a very hard time very much eventually I got more established again I get my feet on the ground and I went to pay him back and he says nobody don't get me the money he says I don't take charity it's a loan so tell your story says years ago I was having trouble with my business I was afraid I was gonna go bankrupt and you remember mr. so-and-so in the shoulder he came over to me so you're having a hard time so he says yeah I am he says let me give you some money and I told him I don't take charity he's that charity it's a room I used that money I paid off my debts I get my business back on firm footing and once I was in a position I went to pay back he says don't give him the money he says no no you don't pay me he says I don't take charity it says I told you it's a loan you don't pay me pay the next person you see who's in trouble it needs to look so don't pay me back he said to him since find the next person who's in trouble one person on dam and he said cut hiya I found that person like paste about them yeah so you hear stories like this but I might miss is the firsthand story I mean not for me but I'm face like but it was I heard second you but so those of us who don't learn in a position to pay back with with money we can pay back the time with caring and whenever somebody asked me can I help them with something I look at it from the point of view of all the nice people who helped me along the way I want to pass it forward and and this woman was so thankful and so appreciative and I mean mines made me really a story of the woman who was the exact opposite yeah who somebody comes to help you and then you maybe they can help you maybe they can't they try and then you blame them for your problems my terrible thing to do what a terrible terrible thing to do and all it does is reinforce you shouldn't try to help anybody my boy watch em like I say so many nice people have been there for me along the way that that's who I channel when someone asks me for help does it sometimes come back to you know to to attack me yeah yeah not often but occasionally and when that happens do I regret trying to help somebody on some level but it's not enough for me to lose my faith not enough for me that to give up thinking that people are good people most people are good people yeah and and that's what we have to do we have to look at a situation and say you know as a concept the member hazdeb or him and cookie ovo's ya know Sabo Omaha they carry the burden with somebody else sometimes I know people we have kids who've gone of the Dara I don't know what the answer is the OTD kids and I know what the answer is I'm telling you that if everybody knew boy they'd be in a fortune there are people who tried to fortune but I've become more of a discriminating consumer so when someone says am i work with OTD kids I said what's your success rate well that's hard to say I said no it's not when you are done working with these kids how many of them go back to school you Schriever get a job get married you know keep Shabbos and Contras I'm not saying they put on a black hat and they said Lennox ice I'm saying how many of them become functional members of society well it's hard to say I said no it's not just go through your files tell me how many successes of your head the answer is that a placebo would be more effective but man that's how small these experts are the percentage and I'll say well yeah understand is that a lot of them turn around and and start working with the parents and tell the parents whatever they're doing is wrong you're too giving you're not giving enough you're too strict or not strict enough yeah you're too busy so whatever it is it's your fault why because they don't know what to do with the kids so they figure I'll blame the parents that's always worthwhile so sometimes people call me up and they say my son is off the derrick can you help I said I'm happy to meet with you I'm happy to meet with you at trial but probably all I'm gonna do is hold your hands and cry with you cuz I I don't I don't know what the answer is if I did boy they make a lot more money than I do yeah but but we can help we could try it's Big Daddy buddy reach out to anybody even if it's a kind word I may have told this story before it could be but our mayor Fidel who was the founder of the Hebrew Academy of Nassau County because of him thousands and thousands of people from today that is not a Guzman thousands and thousands of people some very very question with people are from today and active and class or because of Reverend and Fidel he is as we used to say in the old days the real deal so sanga's in stock and and I'm when my father passed away I was relatively young I got 37 - values to call me every Arab shops just to wish me a good Shabbos and to say hello you know when you sit Shiva that can be very busy and then it calms down nobody even remembers you I mean remembers and us was it going with your life but this there's an empty hole there had a young lady who lost her father during her seminary year and she came to stay with us she says I can't go can't stay with us and she would tell me from time to time I feel like I'm losing my mind I forget where I am I know what I'm doing I said no that's called being in avails thanks about a year for it to pass and it's so considerate because you know yeah I know right now knows thousands of people and I'm when I say no I don't mean just like you know he's they came to Electra his once I mean that he has a personal relationship with and to take at that time every single week I've tried it I've tried it from times been very hard to do very hard thing to do I make an effort to smile with people and say hello yeah I try to find a nice word to say you know to a cashier nobody was yelling at this cashier it was before one of us I get when I got there you know and I said I said Kok abode it's so busy here and it's so difficult I don't know how you how you keeping up here because you have no idea when I'm going through you know and she starts to tell me I walked away yes thank you like Samia sometimes it just takes it my friend kind of tell her rabbi rabbi kind of intelligent that you had a book code it's a small world word after all he still has it by the way you can order yeah and it's what the whole book is about a nice word something small that a person can say they can I can show them up and change me I look at there aren't many people in this world who could help you daren't cuz burro can help you joining yeah and that people can help you some people and if somebody ever takes out any time from their day to help you and even if they give you wrong advice and even if they did everything wrong and even if they didn't handle it right tell them thank you appreciate the fact that they took out time from your day to speak to you I'm not talking about somebody who knows is into your business thing that you don't want to know about they just make these for difficut if you go to somebody for help and they try they may not be successful and see how the dish Mayan we could borrow one from the village where they'll be the slave have not not but meet Cedeno for us we have to have a cursor tone we have to say thank you we have to appreciate that when someone is willing to give them themselves to us on any level well the only response we're supposed to do is not oh you didn't handle that right or your to do that is to say thank you for taking our time to try to help me and my family what a beautiful and Noble thing that is and that's the idea I want to share with you the positive idea now when somebody reaches out to us does something nice to us what tries even if they don't succeed yeah because it's easier not to try why should I get involved what what for strike against troubles some get angry at me so if we are successful that's an extra but if someone tries someone takes at their time try to help us all we owe them as a curse to talk nothing else no criticism no curse it up thank you for trying the first rate involved one aspect from others point of view Aisha sugar sadly it's cuz of you you gave me this wife that's why I ended up in trouble says Rashi at that point he was a cuff Leto and you can trace all evil being a cuff Leto to going against the good that people do for us as opposed to recognizing it and appreciating it and saying thank you and that's why this was such a moving experience for me just because of the sense of appreciation you know I would have done it anyway i'ma look for a thank you i I do it just because because my uncle I pay forward so many nice people have helped me out of my life if I could help somebody else out that's enough I don't need anything returned but you know when that happens it just brings home the point for us how important are cars at oaf is to recognize all of the good that people do for us for our family and there we should be more conscious of it okay that's what I wanted to talk about this week that's it for now do you want to find out more about the show go to my website Beverly on skis.com you can make comments you can email me you can sponsor an episode you could sign up for online shiorin in Mesilla so sure enough you owe me and that's about it this is w laughs key and this has been the remote Alaska show it's the rabbi Orlovsky show Turin simcha ready to go the rabbi Orlovsky show knowledge and wisdom will help you burn lots of fun in every episode of we don't have to ride it's the rabbi Orlovsky show a rabbi or on skis.com go anytime you too Lord it's rabbi Orlovsky show Turin while our labs Kisho till it's time so we need again throughout my rollout ski shop it's the rabbi of a ski show it's the rabbi Orlovsky