59: How can I forgive them?

[Music] hi this is Deborah Orlowski welcome to the reverie live ski show and agamotto CeBIT over to my listeners out there and welcome aboard whether you listening on tour anytime or wherever you listen or watch your podcasts and it's a pleasure to welcome you to the second podcast of the year as we're in the ice Harris made chuhwa truth the matter is that there is an overlap as we spoke about last time during the Sarris me chuva between the last year in the new year going to the grub as he explains it so whether you want to look at this as last year this year it's both of them are legitimate we're okay either way and we have a sponsor this week it's in memory of the first UART site of Alan Kazdin Avraham Ben Yitzhak Dashami said Amelia certainly appropriate names during this time of year I remember Benny look so so the podcast and everybody who's listening this should be a yeah and malia for him and in the next world and and he should be a melody HR for us in the next world you know we we everybody's judged during this time even people passed away you wonder you know people passed away what are they doing the answer is when you leave behind people who are continuing to do good things your memory the effect that you had in this world it's something that's very important and so we are approaching Yom Kippur that's where we are as we reach Yom Kippur and Yom Kippur is the Yom Mahela loosely huh here's the day that I could borrow who forgives us for all of our sins it's an extremely powerful thing there are sheath is in the Gemara that even if you don't do children you don't change your Mahara feel don't get forgiveness for you there's such a power to this day that it's that occurs Burcu comes all the way down to us it gives us the opportunity to really be able to change there's also the Minich that we go around and ask people for Mahela that we may have wronged or hurt during this time and sometimes we're on the giving end and sometimes were on the receiving end yeah and there are people who frankly walk around true and they just got everybody you Michael me you Michael me you mock me you might for me and they actually step on to some person they cope to some person who they really hurt they say Michael me the guy says well you know I don't know because dear Michael me write song I'm trying to tell you that what you did with the Amaze with me so I told you I can't yeah forget it I asked you three times is your lair Oh heartwarming is a famous story we'll have a tie him when he wrote safe a cup of time he brought it to be so cilantro to get ask him and Roberto salon to asked the cover time the following question and shmear solution he says how do you date you've uh fresh Murray solution for a loshon Hara how do you do true review spoke bad about somebody how much time says well you have to tell the people what you said about a bistro silent I said can't be hard times away so campy says every him keep her and I walk into Shore when I go to somebody and say I do Kippur this special Mets wouldn't forgive me and I I really feel bad I told everybody that you're a gun if I told everybody that you were sleeping around I told everybody that you are look up please be money for me I just have Yom Kippur everybody knows the drill you know yeah this automatically say yeah I'm okay oh so now this guy who destroyed this guy's life and reputation he's gonna go in TM kipper he's gonna sit in Davin uh I got my feeling I'm fine I'm great and this guy's gonna sit there a whole Yom Kippur and go people think that I was unfaithful people think I'm a gun of people he's a camping time said that's rebelling the rights in Chowchilla it says would be so awful PG&E camp so someone asked his questions are very cutler Lamesa yeah Shh uber Ben Elena is a region how could they be so so loud to argue with him and Rivera answered when it came to in your name uh sir when they came to matters pertaining to Musa be so salon - who was the founder the first woman had a dinner of arisia that's what he answers him now putting putting aside the whole story and how it unravels and no things are there listen to every swirl salon to the master of Musa said it can't be that I walk over to you and tell you everything bad that I did to you and you're gonna be able to be Michael that can't be right to nation today I don't notice personally but what I've heard people don't even bother going around show the same welcoming they said that a white app please be loved anything run yeah boom oh the sincerity sincerity so I'm reading you an email that I got and I gave this young lady an answer and she said maybe it's could I for you to mention it on the podcast and if you want you to read my email so I'm going to back in ninth grade there were a few girls who bullied me really believe me you know there are people who are bullied who commit suicide there are people who are traumatized for life it's a very serious thing bully we we don't handle it as seriously as it should be I didn't go to school most of ninth grade because of it they sent me letters saying they don't want anything to do with a rebel that I should trap stop trying to be cool they looked for ways to try to get me into trouble with the principal they spread horrible rumors about me they spread all the bad things that I did when I struggled with day-to-day life they pushed me down so much my self-esteem suffered terribly they got my sister kicked out of school they made my ninth grade year miserable there's one main girl who did this I keep trying to forgive them I tell myself they were just ninth graders didn't know what they were doing I tell me her selves they must feel bad themselves or they wouldn't have done it I try to think they are just messages from Hashem but no matter what every time I think about this period of time I feel like I'm about to cry I feel so angry I feel like I want to rip them apart even right now I am so mad how should I forgive them why and how you look at just a kekkaishi now here's the correct answer I'm gonna tell you the correct answer this is the answer that every grab are you supposed to give a puppy cane you're supposed to find it in your heart doesn't be able to forgive them and the source of you forgiving them Akash borrow will forgive you and it could die you know that is the correct it but the reason you're watching the Reverend Loski show is because you know that this is a show for those people who are average to blow everything that's where you're listening to me you know I I am amazed the fact that how could his burro who has given me so many forms in my lifetime I I was giving a share one time was a very large group coming hundreds of people and I heard more than once somebody said to me said to my face why are you giving this year you such a big come - you should be giving this year but what there's nobody else you know I could be giving this you know I know more than you I just be giving this year no heartbreaking that must be I said them uh well they become because I'm funny oh oh you a clown oh you tell jokes okay I don't know I tell jokes I don't know type oh look I don't understand understand you're doing you a clown okay okay fine now I feel bad I understand now that didn't bother me at all bother me at all because I know how people so want to give I understand you you find these red bottoms these older up on them you know in America they were very cautious they come to her Strela we have no shortage of old retired American rabbis here and they give me a Chevy to milk all I ever dream three old men ones dead one sleeping was deaf you know black lad and his whole crius is that Sheree cuz of me yeah I was saying to my guy isn't sure today I was doing this does the whole thing and the fact that I've been given this form I think the answer is best summed up by someone who used to come to my she room and they said I love coming to your Sherman because you are so ordinary and I feel like if you could change anyone could now I think that in the spirit of which it was meant under present I am extremely average and I revel in my averageness yeah I'm of I'm of average intelligence below average skills I certainly below average me does you know I'm definitely I've been a work in progress did I hope so so I understand I share with you a story I was once working at an institution an organization whatever it was and somebody wanted my job I didn't top that the guy wanted my job right away I figured it out at some point yeah so he began a campaign against me he spread stories about me who turned the participants against me he turned the the organizers my voices against me he poisoned everything involved in this job and the end I had no choice I had to leave hopefully he told somebody afterwards well Lasky doesn't even know how many tricks I played on him I only knew the stuff that he did do pretty bit and so I was very good now tell the truth I went off and I got another job a better job a more fulfilling job and a job that paid better which means Atkins berroco wanted me to move on and I I wasn't prepared to move on even though between me and you I was pretty sure that it was probably time for me to make a change but I'm lazy so he created a situation for me that it was untenable for me to stay where I was so that I would be able to go and get a better job and obviously this was a big change in my life and was very positive this guy was just a slayer I understand and every heir of Yom Kippur I think about the things that he did and the things that he said and I really want to forgive him but the hurt is so strong now I'm a big believer in this you have to be real you have to be real you can't you can't play make-believe Judaism just doesn't work I had a girl once who had protects iya she was being set up with the best boy in Asia so I was on her list of people to call so his Rob calls me and he says listen before you tell me what the girl let me talk about the boy I know every boy is the best boy in the Shiva this this guy in his Caruso are the two best guys they get to the base measure seven o'clock in the morning they leave 10:30 at night they leave to go and eat their meals and they go back they don't take a rest they don't leave the minister must meet them d'amour and his friend got married a few months ago to a girl who really thought that she wanted to be married to her husband but you see the thing is that a lot of people want to marry a MOSFET but then they find out that it's not much fun being married to her husband because you don't see yeah and she was having a very hard time so he says so my wife reached out to her and some the other women but her husband's learning Youngsville Island and that's what she ostensibly wanted but she's having a very hard time so I asked the girl if this is what she wants so I called up the girl and I told her what what the Rebbe told me and she says wow I don't know if I could handle that and I said I don't know if I could handle it and then she said but shouldn't I want to handle that and I said to her let me teach you a very important thing in life marry what you want not what you think you should want because then you're gonna end up in a marriage that in your mind is what I should have wanted that's not who I am you gotta be real you have to be real I can go around everybody who comes to me and says you might call me away and say yeah yeah mostly what if I'm really not what if in my heart of hearts I'm so hurt and the pain is so real that I just can't be Michael the person so should I just say yeah yeah Michael yo even though I'm not it was a girl abuse now somebody came over to him and said listen revi I he's you know I said some lush and her about you whatever it was it's okay so love is yeah I tell what you say and the Rebbe was shocked it was before Yom Kippur he says I'm asking my shoelaces I don't know if I can just come back tomorrow I have to say the easy thing is to say yeah yeah yeah Michael are you mind there was some discussion in between mimic amirev in the base mesh yeah Rosh Hashanah and and their number of the misspelling were arguing about a particular point whatever it is not important and I was joining in because as you may have noticed I have opinions too I like to share it there was a lot of people saying things and going back and forth attention and this young man gets up a third of my age and he stands up and he says ok we heard what you have to say already you just keep repeating yourself enough already nobody wants to hear it we heard what you said and he walks out to go and learn because he's very question yes then and after the discussion died down a little bit I went the back room and I said to him you realize you would just move I if somebody three times your age who you clearly have no respect for but there are people in the world who consider me a rough and do consider me you know on Rosh Hashanah on a youma did you am advised me but Rabia because the more dead people in the room in front of people who are my severan people are who am i who are my neighbors and you embarrass me in front of everybody you invite somebody Arab you embarrass me probably your place in the world to come you lost your haba is that I always a joke I said it a joke Russia sure all right I'm sorry what am I supposed to say my face is still burning from the shame so I first say yeah yeah it's fine well I I could lie I could say yeah yeah it's fine no it's not fine one side of the coin now let's move to a different side of the coin yeah there are times that people hurt us and they didn't even mean to they didn't realize what they said I have a fellow I know whose Rebbe and he was substituting for a class and this kid was acting up I said to the kid if you father knew the way you were behaving what would he say the kid didn't say anything he says no tell me if you father knew he would behave why would you say and the room went silent and finally the kid ran out of the room and they said Rebbe he's a yes'm he doesn't have a father okay he didn't know you didn't know he hurt this boy obviously didn't know yeah in my generation okay my generation they were different yeah do my father said it about somebody went there that guy's crazy I said he's a little eccentric my father says he doesn't have enough money to be eccentric he's just crazy we weren't we weren't sensitive to nuances and mental health you were crazy yeah now the term was used liberally my father said to me once you're crazy you're crazy I'm crazy mother's crazy everybody's crazy how much what everybody wants there's two types of people this crazy and this crazy with a capital K it's like really crazy yet so you know whether a person is Marley neurotic o person is psychotic look what is the president you know we had one catch-all term for that back then you're crazy you know look I do the guy's crazy yeah that was it now today you can't say things like that can't you very sensitive I know this because I have a being in psychology from Queens College it's my wife's but she's not using it she said I can have it so so I understand now a little bit more about psychology so but sometimes when I'll say something like that guy's crazy my sister you can't say crazy you know he's gonna be a little neurotic about it I said I don't know what I grew up was crazy yeah that's great anyway split personality you know if you were inconsistent behavior bone Aggie you know so you kill yet a split personality some people say he's acting schizophrenic it was a catchphrase it didn't mean anything it just meant like you know one time you do this one to do that yeah I think schizophrenic a I said that once Ana Shira and I got an Mary hurt email from a schizophrenic that's not what schizophrenia is and that's not really what it comes down to and I say okay they're right I really I don't understand the terms I'm not I'm not really sure all the time you know there are people who are constantly fact-checking me you know to make sure somebody just posted on the website the correct words double Bobby Myshkin heaven evidently I made some mistakes whatever it is yeah I understand I understand there's um there's you know there's definitely fact-checking that kid that is that is necessary when I speak I'm not as careful yeah I'd like to think that I'm no worse than the president United States but but the point is that you know people talk people talk and they say things sometimes and sometimes you hurt people's feelings without meaning it sometimes you tell a joke which II didn't really mean in a bad way or even realize it not that I would get up and embarrass somebody in public or something but you make a wine you make a little language you don't think twice about and persons devastated where's the devastate yeah and and I really feel terrible and I asked the person I'm looking and sometimes they tell me no now when somebody does something that was clearly without poor intention yeah they said something stupid he said something thoughtless okay it's a lot easier to be Muslim sometimes you know even though I once didn't say something but someone thought that I said something and I called them up and I proved to them that I didn't say it and they could not forgive me for what I did not say because they were so invested already and being hurt about what I said even though I didn't say it now this culture the the the the coach we live in today has changed dramatically I've never sent out tweets I but I do have emails I do have Sherm I do have recordings and I'm not always careful with what I say I contend towards the outrageous especially if I'm not paying attention to to the particular forum and I'm just speaking off-the-cuff you know I have been accused of this and rightfully so that I do tend to be a little outrageous at times and I don't always say things in the most political correct way I recognize that sometimes I'll say things that are insensitive or things that are a throwback to my generation and okay it's definitely true yeah I should be more careful with it but if a person want to go back over everything that I ever said and pull out snippets of it now of course so now what do they do today they take somebody and they go through his old tweets from 20 years ago and he once said this who said that yeah and that's it now he's marked for life mark fillet you once said like this no and it's true so people sometimes say things and they have spoken off the top of their head without thinking they might have been young and not really thinking about what they were saying and all these are possibilities people make mistakes so ok so there has to be a certain room for forgiveness because people make mistakes and that's you know there's nobody who's perfect I can tell you stories of big people that I have known who have done things that were insensitive just you know completely insensitive and ok ok so so where's the distinction why and and that's where they they call it today we call it the cancel culture you know somebody once said something and then they can't ever work again and they have to be thrown out whether it's in politics whether it's in business whether it's and you know whatever it is they once said something that was improper or was it nice etcetera and even though they apologized but that's it they can never work again there is no forgiveness it's the most amazing thing we tolerate so much but we can't forgive anything that was over-the-line of what today is considered even the fact that it wasn't anything right for example people used to dress up in blackface it was mokuba pretty good customer yeah people do that today they they find a picture of you'd risk of a black face 30 years ago 40 years ago that's it you finished your racist look at makes you racist that's how people people used to put up looking like costumes back then no nobody was nobody was doing it in order to try to be able to hurt anybody they thought this was you know I'm gonna dress up like some black singer or some black actor or some whatever whatever the husband happens to be so so now they turn around there oh you're racist you know what people said things that were you know acceptable in the society in which they lived and then so now George Washington he owned slaves no good Jefferson owned slaves no good there right no good we'd go down to like we'll go the things that Abraham Lincoln said we found some things are not no good and we cross off everybody everybody had this big scandal where the Betsy Ross friend flag the 13 colonies it's racist why because slavery was still existed in America when they made that flag so now the whole flag is puzzle and everything is puzzle because one hundreds of years ago they're up that's it puzzle so where's the room for forgiveness Menasha hemella a race that Kurdish burro whose name he homology did everything he could to fight against it and occurs burro who opened up it says a tunnel for him to go through to get back to coach burro home a guy came to me once he says look you know I guess I never really thought about it but now that I'm sitting here learning and you know and you Shiva etc I realize the problem and I've I've been having a ongoing physical relationship with my sister for twenty years how do I do to live for that well I said this is above my paygrade was then and I had somebody bring him to rebel Yosef and I saw me afterwards and I said did level you I shall tell you out it super says yeah says what did he tell you he says I don't want to tell you okay but it means I could do something like that and I could do children now there are things I can't understand listen okay that's tyfa I can understand tyfa somebody decided to make some money nobody did he stole the mezuzot off my door three times I wasn't the only one he stole the mezuzah from other people in the building some of the buildings around here yeah the front door of the building he stole masseuses he came out with an easy way to make a living instead still mezuzahs sell it to some safer who will process them because there's no registry there's registries for a super eater but not for mezuzahs and that's how I'm making money I steal mezuzahs of the doors of god-fearing Jews I don't know how you face a coach burro who know how a guy came to me once and he says can I tell you something you know just privately between us and city owners I'm the gonna believes you so what do you mean so now I'm married a touch but when I was a buffer I was a kind of I remember Alan stole money from everybody and they tried to find this one and that one they accuser they never never never even suspected me how do we get true I stole money I don't even know who I stole from how much I stole what I did like I sent him to a girl to be so I didn't know what to tell him but can you teach you the guy feels terrible hey you know but he was a kid maybe he had a sickness I I know what was driving him and now he wants to do Trula can you make it up I'd be away some things I understand something's an honest an yeah I I admit this certain things that I I just I just I can't relate to but let's get back to this young lady who wrote me this email she's still traumatized but what they did they shall know Hirata I just got back from her wedding they looked at me made snobby faces and walk right past they don't feel bad they're not asking Sheila how do I forgive them she asks and I told her don't don't lie don't say yeah it doesn't bother me when I'm still in pain when that when the when the wounds are still bleeding if you're big Sadiq I don't know why you're watching this but if you're a big static call kavod you could forgive everybody every slight too thick listen when I was diving for the Amin this guy was angry at me it was angry at me because he said I'd have been too loud now he sent right next to me and I said there were people all the way in the back of the room they need to hear me no you Dominic dewlap I said there's a gap I tell the guy Mike I don't tell the guy bear I'm telling you don't dive in so that that wasn't McConnell so this guy only was very upset he told me a couple of times complain so so what did I do you know anyway I have allergies because one day my allergies really bothering me I had a package of tissues but I was coughing and sneezing it was allergies I wasn't sick and at the end of that I put away my chili he starts screaming at me yeah what you coming here yeah I make everybody sick stay home nobody wants you hear that screaming and yelling at me there are people in the show were like enough enough you know he's yelling and screaming you know the roof of the show dive in the minion he called me up afterwards he was he was so angry so I'll throw this kind of the villain and I just kept saying so da da da da then Cain Cain yeah afterwards when he finally left somebody ran over to me and said you know I know somebody who's sick could you please you know give them a broker that they should be well and the Swit of the fact that you keep your mouth shut now let him a little secret it really wasn't that hard for me because I had no respect for this guy I'm sorry to say I'm sorry but he he didn't affect me he was angry at me because I dive in too loud and the gob I said I'm diving fine you know I mean I decided to go into a rant to start screaming at me okay okay but it didn't really bother me so much so uh you know wasn't that it wasn't that hard for me to keep and when I think about it I you know every now and then I think to myself you know the guy should really ask me my feel of it I mean to sue this like dog the anniversary when I had my heart attack I almost died he refused to take a bigger brother didn't want to celebrate the fact that I was still alive okay okay so it doesn't bother me so much you know was there just a dive in there when I was when I was a novel you know I haven't been there in a while I just went back there today and I said where is he this is he only came when you yeah cuz Broca's sent them special just to have somebody to scream at me Baba chef it didn't really it didn't affect me yeah not like some kid who I know embarrasses me in front of all my friends buddy but yelling at me to keep my mouth shut on as a partner Mook so I say what's he gonna do in your caprices whis was we're not the hood says submit screaming at somebody three times your age and ranking him out in front of everybody anyway like you know okay so I'll forgive him I'm sure at some point you know but I but I can't do it when my face is still burning with shame I gotta be real every time I think of this guy who tried to destroy my life and hurt relationships for me forever and I hurt my relationship with with with participants and stuff and I think he did this cuz he wanted to get rid of me and take my job and every time I try to forgive him I I just think about it I know he was actually off and I know that this girl who went through this terrible bullying I know she's obviously sudeikis she wants to forgive these people you gotta be real you gotta be real from both sides if you know that somebody didn't really mean to hurt you and they really feel bad about it and they're coming forgive them but if there's somebody who has privatised you yes you have to work towards it a hundred percent you have to work towards it I'm not giving you Apatow but be real be real hurt the wounds sometimes take a while to heal and if you're a big sadiq and you can find it in your heart to forgive them I met somebody once who said to me what's it like to lose your temper I can't even imagine yeah I say the same thing about not losing it then what's it like not to lose you I was born I was born the COS was one of my is one of my me this and and there's no question about it don't I see people who have that problem and infuriates me but yet something I have to work on you know I'm working on it etc but when people you know really really hurt me I'm doing it in a deep deep way Todd like oh you try you got to work on it got to work on it and so we go to a coach burrow and say I'm trying to be like you I'm trying to be like you I got to be real gotta be real and if you're the person who hurt somebody and you know you hurt them as much pain as you caused that's how much sob you have to put on the wound that's how much you have to try to make it up to the person and I mean such them if we can find it in our hearts to ask forgiveness and we can find it in our hearts to give forgiveness we'll be happier people clients will be a better people and I made such them all of us will be there for two graphs in whatever that's it for this episode and this brings to a conclusion our extended holidays sets of programming and if you want to find out more about the show you can go to rub your Lansky comm you can make a comment you can click on the sponsor an episode button and sponsor an episode you can you can contact me find out about upcoming events and mid-session all of us will be zarifa to a beautiful year I remember you're asking and this is the rebel ASCII show [Music] you