40: Wedding Plans

[Music] hi this is Deborah Lasky and welcome to the wrapper Alaska show this is episode 40 and whether you are listening on tour anytime or wherever you watch or listen to your podcast we're happy to have you on board and we have a sponsor this week Elisheva Cohen who is sponsoring this podcast in honor of her father rabbi Cohen whose birthday was on Pesach Shanee so hope you had a happy happy birthday and she says he's a regular listener to the podcast so gosh what a great present yeah the gift that keeps giving so so happy birthday Mazel Tov and thank you for the sponsorship and speaking of Mazel Tov's I'm going to be in America this coming week because my brother-in-law and sister-in-law mrs. nobody misses Rock'em ganz in Lakewood the daughter is getting married and big Mazel Tov to the home of Olga I'm going to have this quiz to be able to participate what a wonderful thing to be able to be able to be a December and I thought to myself you know I as I pointed out last week these weeks after Schwarz I'm trying to use a sort of a Mott entire theme and as we've pointed out the past there are dozens if not hundreds of Cazale that compare Matt and Tara to a husana coach beaucoup and I and class II shall get married it's not just a friendship yeah it's something deeper very deep relationship videomic us from know sighs ooh Martin Taylor says the says the Kamara on the plastic and sure sure this is our car sauna in fact there is a version of the famous Metro scuffle America gigas that he held the mountain over there like a barrel that he held the mountain over the head like a Copa remember somebody asked me once how do you have to cos Allah that are so dramatically different one he held the mountain over their head like a thread and the other one he held the mountain over their head like a hook but I said I can tell you're not married or you'd understand it's the same exact thing because what's shot couple aim higher gigas he held the mountain over the head like a barrel they already said no sevenish MA they already agreed [Music] we say when you go to the doctor in the [Music] they already said not seven ish man why hold the mountain over their head yeah what's the threat involved the answer is it's not so much of a threat as much as to say there has to be a certain amount of its high route of obligation when you go into a relationship you you can't get married with a two year you know arrangement with an option to renew right it has to be something that is forever no I've taught for years and seminaries so sometimes I'm at the vort on the behalf of the girl I'm sitting next to my cousin bright-eyed and bushy-tailed you know hats a little too big for his head luckily his ears are sticking out so that's keeping it from falling down you know he's got a smiling that no one of those skinny guys you know with a shirt you know sticks out past the Adam's apple you know look you know that sort of earnest look you know and no it was my turn to speak I say to the cousin you know marriage is forever forever and forever and forever Kyle is smiling and the guy the sweat starting to drip down yeah people don't want to think of him at this as a forever but that's what it is yeah a real relationship is forever and that's when we go into Cabarrus Uvas a gear cotton so they converted Oz based when he becomes a adult he has the option to opt out yeah I don't want to be Jewish I know such a story when the kid becomes permit so they raised him they sent up the Shiva you know do you want to be a Jew he says nope No so that's it but once you have been a Jew for a while you know it says the shove shocked us even for a short amount of time then you can't back out anyway you've taken it on it's a real relationship it's something that's permanent you can't suddenly just change it and bring it out so so we go into territory is compared to open marriage is something that is real and that is absolutely because Matt and Tyra is compared to a marriage and the relationship between the fussing and Kali is a relationship between us and I could borrow who so you want to be able to as much as possible yeah look at a marriage from that point of view from that joining together so I thought what a wonderful opportunity for me to speak a little bit about weddings not marriage marriage let's face it people spend a lot more time planning the wedding than they do planning the marriage a marriage they figure it all work out the wedding there's so many details so many details I remember my own Casa and you have to pick out the invitation and they bring books invitation books albums you're going through which paper which color ink which print you're working it all out and until you find and then you have to have a logo because you're performing a new corporation without a logo than you can't get married you know you have to have the official logo trademark you know and and you spend so much time on it you know you know he's Eleazar and and I'm rifka and you see it's like a well and you know see how it forms and letters over there and it's a and I get that you know they're not believable yeah listen young people when someone gets an invitation the first thing that I go is who's this and then they say oh yeah and they write down on the calendar the date and the time and the place and they toss it in a drawer assuming that you have directions printed on it oh boy they might just throw it right in the garbage yeah and you spent all this time if I had to do over again I'd make a flier come to a wedding where when and I would see according to the gift you know could check off the gift at the beginning yeah you know I guess I've been in fundraising a long time I would leave out the gifts you know I mean I'm mr. and mrs. Goldberg hundred dollars thank you very much mr. mr. Schwarz I'm good thank you very much you know Oh $50 I guess you forgot to check the list of how much we gave you a kid all right you know now you sit at Table four but you know them at a time that people put on it yeah the color scheme the the things that people get so worried about now one of the reasons that I decided beside the fact that I'm going to a wedding is because a number of Russia even America just came out with a Coke or a with expectations of the music that is supposed to be played at fasteners and it's interesting because the musician explained this to me 25 years ago and he said what makes what makes the difference between a song and he played a song and I said well you're not it sounds very appropriate and then he played it the way it was recorded right I bring this as an example only because I you know I don't mean to pick on anybody most of the music today I can't even listen to but but this has to be a beautiful song and the words are so beautiful calif enough she saw her egg now she saw her gala calif i now she's so right now she's sarah gala and if you're something recording it's [Laughter] and the tone is fine and the worlds of beautiful and then I said anything we get a bunch of kids with okay so very often it's the beat and if the way it's being presented it's not the song itself this is this is a problem right one of the thick owners is you can't pay any good music don't play any secular tunes I hate to say it and I had this I had this when I was a mush kiyah I was speaking about good music and I said you can't listen to good music because either the music is like you know boom boom boom you know that the techno or the weather has that rhythm and beat to it that's like animalistic you know boom boom pop boom boom boom kill the Beast kill the Beast it's like Lord of the Flies in it or the words are destructive and I still have it someplace a kid said to me isn't that true so I said yeah come up with 10 songs where the music's not bad and the and the words are meaningful and he came back with a list of a hundred songs where the music is more beloved than most Jewish music today and the words are inspiring and I don't know what to say I've asked this question and people say well the kevanna of the person goes into the music the only source for that is what nachman of breslev and of your breast liver i understand but a lot of people don't necessarily say that and i don't know if this is true but it doesn't stop me from saying it cuz i heard it once yeah when I was growing up every show and Kellog a new anchor man yeah again somebody told me that's a Napoleonic March I don't know if it's true or not but but there's music where depends how you presented I need to bring this example it's a tall example to deep cut yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah nein nein nein nein nein [Music] that is a theme to the Munsters which was a TV show in the 1960s with a few buddy bum bums and it sounds like it's Jewish you know so or I used to give this as an example see if you can spot the nananana na na na na nananananananananananana now for those of you who may not have noticed I switched from Miami's PCI to the schmeyer into re the tiger completely interchangeable so it's it's a it's a slippery slope slippery slope I don't I don't know how to be able to make that distinction so they were making the distinction definitely based on and beat you know when you have that kind of a thing and I remember when Jewish music died I was there I still remember it yeah until that point Jewish music was you know kind of kind of harmless yeah kilo Utah kilo Utah sham kilo you touch her sham hi DNA never I need like this in a circle and it was like a really cool group they would switch directions that was about it and then at some point the band would like this and everybody over the age of 30 would get off the dancefloor and they would come out and do that you didn't dance now we sensed there was something strange here and that's obvious because it was actually a song by a group called Genghis Khan yeah and it was a German song and somebody changed the lyrics - you dish and but you just saw the change in the room here's one of the ways know the song is it appropriate if on the girls side you suddenly hear a primal scream nobody ever did that word savvy savvy there's no primal scream this is not supposed to be primal scream when you wake Jewish music yeah but another thing is you have the blast yeah you have to blast it Jewish music never had the blast it was it was it was something that was add in there was something that was beautiful so so how do you how do you find that distinction I don't know I don't know I there are songs that are Jewish songs quote unquote that are completely have a completely non Jewish feel to it and their songs that were not written by Jewish sources that have a very Jewish feel to it so I don't know it's it's a slippery slope and I don't know how to ask you know how did it decide these things I just noticed that it was in part of the Coconino guys music in there I'm not I'm certainly not trying to argue with that but but my point is that you know what is the purpose of the music now this is a fact though oof-dah you there are bands that you go to that play at fasteners that have literally caused hearing loss the music is just too loud and I've been the fasteners where I see people pull out their earplugs stick it in the ears I've seen people go around and and you know with like a box of of earplugs to to offer to people because it's so loud that it literally literally and I talk about figuratively literally causes hearing loss 90 decibels already begins to cause hearing loss and the average person is 110 that's my my producer provided me with those facts and and and this is just a reality so why do I have to blast it what is the purpose exactly it's a I may have told this story but it's an amazing thing but for one of my constant is so the the other side the father asked me are you gonna be providing alcohol for the boys are you gonna be providing alcohol so I said well you know I have a bottle for my friends to come over and give it a high yeah somebody told me once and pharisee Rachelle I am mushke ik was sitting there and pour me at a big jump one of those giant bottles nobody would come up and get a little on him yeah and by the end but it was still here phille he says ah Mika I'm afraid estrella going footboards when when Nandu drinks more than the entire nations of the Jewish people yeah but he says he gonna provide alcohol so I said yeah I have a bottle for my friends have come by in Milan I am yet he says no I don't you want to provide for the boys so I said why he says no because the father's like to give the boys alcohols and then they they dance with more more excitement boys lovest I said if my future son-in-law doesn't have any friends who want to dance for him unless they're drunk then tell them that to come so they brought their own liquor but but it's and my son who's been on my podcast says to me as my children will often say to me I but you don't get it it's true I don't get I don't I don't get why people have to get drunk in a castle I don't understand where the music has to be blasting I don't get it I don't understand where the video guy is allowed to take over the wedding you can't see the Casa you can't see the pup anymore because the video guy is there only time I was able to see a hoofer was when I was I was standing by a a little window you know in the video camera I could watch it I was once an aide so you're supposed to watch as they put on the ring they handle part of my job and the video guy keeps moving out of the runway and I keep moving back he says get out of my way or I'll knock you down I'm being paid for this Wow how come how come bail out to take it over how come you go to a sauna and everybody waits there for over an hour while they're taking pictures I understand I understand you want to take pictures today you can Photoshop it all in it doesn't make a difference yeah they just can take the pictures and then a few ideas and the cousin here in the college you know we we make the hold see way for now or at least sometimes longer but I I feel like there's something that's being lost and the the majesty of what hope is supposed to be in order and what a yeah I may have given this example once cuz it's one of the things that bother me I remember my be decadent I hadn't seen my collar for a week and you're now being danced in you know your friends and you finally come into your collar for the first time for the bedecking it's such a beautiful motional moment and I see people have to do stick they bring the rose they do a little dance they do a little something because the moment isn't enough anymore we have to create something in order to give it meaning because the meaning itself isn't there what can I tell you I mean I've seen I've seen fasteners we're okay yeah they bring the cow up sit down next to the fussing you know and the men dance but I've seen men go into the common sight that strikes me as somewhat inappropriate yeah and again I'm not I'm not trying to impose any religious standards this this podcast is a value free zone you can believe whatever you want I'm just saying that link to yourself for a moment what the message is that you're trying to give across my my fastener was the first to Shiva husana and my family and my father was not a not an emotional man he worshipped his mother loved his mom and I remember I went to see him the next day because he took all my wedding gifts so he says you know you'll walk out to your car people waiting for you they'll rob you so he took everything I thought was was I was appreciative yeah so I go by the next day with my collar and my wife to go and see my father my parents hey service coffee and cake you know and my father his eyes started to to well up and he said I just wish my mother had lived to see this that was a moment after what do we tell over the story I was a madhouse I don't know it was crazy with the story changed a little bit with the telling but you know the but there was that that moment there where you thought is there's something so poignant and beautiful of just that here's a piece of advice and you can take it or leave it how have you see it the middle circle with the Hudson and his friends there are the second circle is the third circle sometimes is a fourth circle and at some point the dancing starts to peter out and the synthesis not seem to get it and if while it's basically over there's just the custom and three guys dancing go out on a high save it for the second dance don't don't beat it to death this is a piece of advice and I can tell from from observing and that I want to share I find the absolutely amazing thing see here in Israel we things tend to be a little bit more laid-back you could always tell the Israeli relatives they sit down at the table while they're waiting for the hope of the starting they eat all the food and they leave [Laughter] yeah but you go to these American fasteners and first it's a smorgasbord with 27 dishes that's that's really a sudha really right in there itself I mean you know there's you know you have to come up with something more dramatic when you go in for the next meal yeah and I'm very often the thing to get wasted here in Israel we don't have that problem because every seat is gonna be used three times you know people come and they come for the foot play and they sit down a little bit and then people come for the first dance they stay a little bit and then people come afterwards I stay a little bit so you know that the seats are constantly being used or different courses of being eaten by different people at that same spot yeah is he getting a lot of people in America can't do that takes so long to get us to Acosta and then you have to get a babysitter and the time constraints are such a dear and they're spending all evening and and I don't know the idea is everybody need prime rib don't get me wrong I am gonna object to it I think that's fine I've been the classiness button they put out the desert there's nobody there there's nobody left to wrap the one thing I've seen in American Carson is that I think it's great that they haven't picked it up here is they have a coffee station or a tea station on the way out and make yourself it with little covers you can take it for the road developing yeah but how much do you need other people coming for that is that what the people coming from this by the way is you know in an America by the in the churches they used to say sermon every Sunday so when they started having synagogues so they told the rabbi to speak every Shabbos now in Europe you spoke twice a year he spoke on chap as a girdle and you spoke on Shabbos Shuba that was it those only drush as you gave them in the year otherwise you're passing halacha is you were doing counseling and yeah so they came to America and they said that the robbers should speak every week and of course the assimilation rate shot up you know because that wasn't the way that Judaism was meant to be we need a dredger every week yeah but in the secular world the crossing kala are the hosts and they're taking care of their guests in in the Jewish world they're the king of the Queen and we are going to the wedding because we have a mitzvah to be miss ma a host of a color that's the reason were there and that's the only reason giving the phone when Salman or Bach of course has a lot of weddings to go to and he stood this buckler in the yeshiva who was every night at a Kozma instead of being at night Seder so finally he says to the boy he says listen if you go to hospitals every night you're never gonna become a double column he said wherever you go every night he says I go in for 10 minutes yeah do a quick dance with the cousin which Mazda and I leave okay so I'll go for 10 minutes he said there's a mitzvah we miss Americas makalah when I was your age I didn't go to fasteners so now I can be Miss America as my cow in ten minutes you're right if you're gonna go every night you have to stay for hours to do the same thing that I can do in ten minutes yeah so we go to a concert no we have to remember we're there for one purpose we're there for the cause in college we're there to be Miss America them to make them happy to to make this the most and the more that we can do to be able to make this into a delicious simcha I'm Connie ASCII says you know we always say Yiddish a novice why because if you take a look you'll see that a sieve had a son named novice you could you could have a sub novice or you get a musician office em it's a sham we'll all be Zartha whether I have a lot of young people who watch us you know so if you are going to get married think of how I can make my wedding a day that's filled with Khadija Vitara if you're marrying off your children if you're marrying with your grandchildren if you're marrying the Swiss to go to to a niece's wedding yeah whatever we can do to fill that with that you just should not mess with it with that true Torah and kedusha that should be our goal at a consonant that's it for this week if you want to find out more about the podcast go to Rebbe Olaf's Keep Calm slash podcast and if you want to make a comment about this particular episode go to memory loss Keep Calm slash podcast slash 40 if you want to find out about upcoming events go to our ulanovsky calm / events if you want to contact reverie olaf's could go to every Lasky calm slash contact and if you want to sponsor an episode go to Alaska calm slash podcast and click on the sponsor an episode button I am Deborah Lasky and this is the rabbi Olaf's key show you