102: Marriage and Geula

hi this is dominic welcome to the rabbi orlovsky show whether you're watching with our friends over at or anytime or wherever you watch or listen to your podcast it is so exciting to have you along for this continuing adventure uh this week our podcast is sponsored by ellie and she-ra in honor of anniversary how wonderful how wonderful a lot of weddings yeah i'm just going to give a shout out to rabbi and mrs gopin their 50th anniversary this week we want to thank this alien cheater we want to thank our parents for supporting us in so many ways our appreciation is boundless that is beautiful what's nice on your anniversary than to recognize your parents i'm speaking as a parent may hashem continue to bench our families and all amazing things amen amen and i uh i come in on that action too i am a cohen so i do give alcohol uh bronchos so uh consider yourself debenched and the last point of their dedication is can rebellowski briefly share his most important bikes you know how loath i am to give out any advice you know it really goes against uh who i am i don't like to get involved i had it down but maybe it's trouble i have to tell you he's one of the reasons uh he's in baltimore he's one of the reasons that we start this podcast because he says you know you're everybody's uh tony time and everybody's you know and you're not there so i said well you know when i do assure someplace to record it and they put it up you know he says no he started quoting this guy and that guy there everybody's all over the place and everybody makes recordings all the time and you don't there's a lot of people who want to hear from you there's a lot of people who don't want to hear from me also but uh so he was one of the reasons that i started this and when he uh became a cousin he says so if you have any marriage advice and i said don't hit her i said what i said even if she gets very gets you really really upset never hit her he says you don't do this a lot dude i said no not really that's not uh that's not the uh that's not the truth of course um best marriage advice i got engaged i'm i'm married now 38 years of giving steven 38 years and uh when i got engaged the old man in the show you know the old man on the show who let the kids into the kiddush i'll give you and put your towels back i got that and put it back in the ceiling what's going on over here right there the whole man in the shower might know so uh so he says uh he says you're engaged so i said yeah he says why me and i'm in love i said of course i was young [Laughter] love he says you kid you're not anything about love it says when between the two of you you make 25 000 and your expenses are 27 000 and you're the one who gives up that's called love when the kid gets up in the middle of the night and wet is better he threw up and you tell your wife you stay in bed and i'll go and take care of it that's love which is of course true i have others from the word hog which is to give and i remember reading an article on psychology today this must have been in the early 80s and after psychologists had given people advice on how to have happy marriages for so long um that they managed to push the divorce rate over 50 they decided to ask people who were married a long time what worked for them why they were happy yes people some people married a long time 15 years 15 years that's a long time i'm married 38 years i just mentored gopis back 50 years yeah yeah a long time so uh 15 years and they were surprised that the answer the number one answer they got was i go into marriage expecting to give 80 and get 20 percent because psychologists have always been telling us the importance is 50 50. divide everything in here 50 50 is the best way to destroy marriage because i spend my whole time on my side making sure that you're taking care of your side yeah if you ever had to share a bed with uh with a sibling or with a cousin or something like that when you were a kid and you get into a fight and say this is my half of the bed that's the aim 50 50 never works if you go into a marriage saying am i get what am i getting what am i getting am i getting enough as opposed to saying am i giving enough that's the best evidence i don't see that's the best advice where you have a successful marriage making sure that love is based on giving and best enough advice this kind of advice is is in my opinion really very simple it was i may have told this story i feel like i told it recently but i don't know if it was on one of my the online showroom that you can sign up for i'm still sharing or da filming we're about to start next week uh aravind so this is where we shake off the dilettantes who got into duffy because they thought wow i would love to be able to stay in zero degree weather in the meadowlands stadium outside in the freezing cold that's worth seven and a half years so uh the people joined in they came to broncos yeah and they say both shop is born manuka you know people who just came in for broncos so they hit showers they're like well that's enough yeah then you get through shabbos enormous massage then you come to ireland two cycles ago i remember they uh they uh they said um so uh they had some of it on the list the top ten reasons i didn't finish shots so i remember one of them i got the flu during irreverent [Laughter] so i'm gonna be starting airfit and i i have to tell you we we really try to make it interesting everything that we do you know uh as a young man who joined the da fiomi and uh he's in high school and uh he he apparently seems to be having a nice time and i said to him eventually you're gonna have to go back to school and it's not gonna be this much fun but amen um so uh so i feel like i told the story recently but if so i'm repeating myself um i was uh doing a trip to europe and uh saturday night we had a question and answer that's what we used to do each one and the question answer and every question was a different variation of how come the school is messing up my kids how come the issue system is turning my kid off yeah and i said you have to understand i started the hebrew academy of nassar county in 1964. and when i started it was a given that judaism was dead in america everyone knew it every new synagogue that was opening up was conservative orthodoxy was for old men i remember one conservative rabbi wrote a book in the early 70s called four paths to one god orthodox conservative reform and reconstructionist and he basically wrote the the hespin on orthodoxy what the extrovert was dead it's for old men you know and low income and now a whole thing like this anyway so of course times have changed but when rabbi mayor findell came out to long island and started the hebrew academy of nasa county he convinced my father to send us and um and uh most of the school i mean ruben aruba of the school major majority uh were not from orthodox homes new busloads coming from various conservative synagogues and uh and the fact that you were a kid in an orthodox school when orthodoxy was dead and then one thing you were a hero they couldn't throw us out of school there weren't enough of us if you were really mad they sent you to the principal if that would sit there and he would sign i i don't understand i know your parents they're such nice people they'd be so disappointed this is not the way to behave please go back to class and behaviors if you killed i don't know like a lot of people they probably throw you out i'm not even so sure but uh but you had to be pretty bad there was this one kid i heard this story from moshe goddess i spoke about him uh after he passed away but uh there was this one kid who was had a reputation of being like a really big kid they wouldn't throw him out but so he was remy geisman was in the bathroom using the facilities and this kid was trying to sell another kid a screwdriver and the other kid says how do i know it's good he says yeah i'll take the door off the stall right now and screw it and he starts unscrewing the door and the other kid says maybe there's somebody in there and he reaches his head underneath and goes oh hi rabbi yeah but you couldn't throw us out because we were the future of the jewish people and everyone knew that they needed us we were important today every kid gets a message overtly or covertly we don't need you here i don't need you i got three kids waiting to take your place step out of line you're good nobody needs you years ago when i was involved in the cure movement wife of a very questionable rob said to me i don't know what we need all these bali chewing for yeah they just mess up the egos somebody else said to me we need more from jews there's there's no room in our schools there's no parking there's no apartments we need more people well that was interesting i found that fascinating yeah uh so therefore a kid gets the message out we don't need you and they're looking over their shoulder and their parents are looking at this therefore we want to keep everybody under control and if a kid's going to be successful he has to get the message that i got you are essential we need you klaishville needs you you are important sometimes parents talk to me about a kid who's not off the derrick but he's on his way parent said to me says i called up different organizations they said is he on the street he says no then we don't want them he's not bad enough yet in english they say an ounce of prevention is a pound is worth a pound of cure the kimora we say one person who unloads the donkey yeah it's going to take 10 people to lift it up once it collapses same idea oh so they said listen my kid is is it's not the grip what do i do i said get them involved in a project where they need them but they need volunteers let them make lunches for people in the hospital let them tutor younger kids let them you know it's the most amazing thing when i was in ncsy i would sometimes have people who are working there who themselves needed work but by giving and helping other people they felt important and they were able to change their lives around because that's the key a person has to feel like you need me like i'm important comes from the word to dedicate hanukkah hanukkah to dedicate a kid has to be dedicated to the cause we need you you're part of a of a process that's going to keep clients alive you are essential they have this now doing corona you know all the essential workers trust me you're essential got to be the message okay well since that's the um since that's the message it brings me to talk this week about uh one of the minor holidays on the jewish skeleton and that's of course tuba of now i know i'm the middle of my aliyah uh series i don't want to disappoint anybody well those people who are hoping i was done forget about it [Laughter] i'm just warming up but anyway but uh tuba of of course is all about itself and especially coming out of the corbin uh tuba of is so incredibly important now tuba of is one of the most minor holidays it comes out during the summer so nobody's in school so you don't really learn about it you know it doesn't have a nifty song like tuberc we don't have anything in israel right those of you who i have not already discouraged from coming to up is the israeli valentine's day it is romantic or as we say in hebrew romantic those of you who think that i'll never be able to pick up hebrew don't worry about it here for 32 years it's getting easier and easier anytime i'm not sure of a word i just say it in english with an accent nine out of ten times i'm right so it's very easy but it's a young romantic isn't it now that's of course because the laura in tina says that twice a year women would dress up in white dresses and go out and dance in the vineyards and tell the young men to pick their picnic wife on yom kippur and on um and on tuba so this the shadow of this remains this day that's why you know uh they have a break during sean and kipper so that everybody can have a chance to see you know maybe i'll marry you that's why they used to have those shabbos nakamura weekends up in the mountains i don't know if they still have them you know you know women would go there all dressed up and then high heels and play volleyball and you know this was this was the modern version of dancing in the vineyards but uh what's the idea what's the idea of the of the shidduchim of tuba of what is so important about this time and of course a lot of people get married yeah a lot of anniversaries this week yeah my brother and sister-in-law got married on two above my sister-in-law and brother-in-law got married on two above it's a it's such a such a happy happy holiday yeah so uh so you know the menos who uh we had in uh in last week's pirate show moshe motion said any hard question come and bring it to me because i'll be able to answer him and that's why he didn't know the din of the nostal and the banos god uh we're going to inherit their father's property and their shaman said great so they'll marry some other guy who's not from the shavit and they'll and they'll uh take the uh they'll take the uh knuckle away our land will go to a different shape so there was a decree that they could not marry out of your own shame it until the land was divided and that decree was cancelled out on tuba of there was a civil war in jewish history a couple of times one time was been yemen against everybody and the yemen was defeated and there was a decree that benjamin could not marry in their tribe could not marry into any of the other tribes that decree was removed on to bob um the story of tishbob is of course five tragedies one of those tragedies was the destruction of the city of beitar so many people were killed that the blood flowed like a river and uh and they weren't allowed to bury the bodies and the decree when we were finally allowed to bury the bodies was unto above and you can imagine it's three years and uh and and israeli heat what what the bodies looked like and they were looked like they'd just been killed the bodies did not decay and that's the reason we make eddie the brach into uh into the uh into the muslim into the grace after meals when we bench um [Music] so that means that part of the tragedy of whatever tish above was ended on tuba of from the 9th to the 15th and when of course the 15th is when the moon is full moon of full is always a good time for the jews success comes out and the moon is full pesach comes out when the moon is full purim comes out of them when the moon is full the the the full moon is always a good sign for the jewish people two by even of which is bad months but tuba of the fifteenth above that's a good time so so why is it what what are the connections going on over here so uh i saw shot many years ago i wish i could remember who said it the kimono says one of the things that happened is they stopped collecting the wood for the wood pile on two above meaning they had to bring up two pieces of wood every day to put it onto the fire on the mesbah on the altar and those pieces of wood had to be collected at different times and until they stopped collecting it why because the sun was losing its power did we have the dog days of august dog days of summer august august is supposed to be a very very hot month the sun is losing its power you know we fast on the ninth of oath but the basin mikdash was set fire uh at really the end of tishbo it mostly burned through the tent but we celebrate the beginning of the tragedy [Music] yeah which we normally think of as twilight starts at 1201 in the afternoon because the sun has begun to set it looks nice and bright outside but to us we already see night so too um the sun is beginning to lose its power someone explains it to me once this way through june and july candle lighting sunset was about the same time now if you check your calendar every week it goes seven minutes boom boom boom boom boom because obviously we have to go from the long days of summer to the equinox in uh you know in tishrei in september right so it's got to go really fast boom the major changes start taking place the sun is losing its power that's why we can't collect the wood so a swap shot once it said like this take a look at voracious rava and it says the nations of the world are represented by the sun and the jewish people are represented by the moon that's why our holidays are lunar based and a lot of them come out when the moon is full why because the sun always stays the same more or less yeah but the the moon is how we determine the khadesh and khodesh is from the word because the moon waxes and rains waxes and wanes it gets starts off very small it gets big full i'm gonna get small again if you count from abraham avino the first jew the fourteenth generation is and the fifteenth generation is david and solomon that was when the moon was full that's when the jewish people were at its peak and what happens the moon begins to wane immediately after that civil war the northern kingdom breaks off from the southern kingdom you rub them in rehearsal there's this whole civil war that takes place and it goes and it goes and it goes until the 30th generation like the 30th day of the month because sikhiyou the last king of israel when we go into israel we believe that we leave israel we go into baavel to babylonia we go into exile and that's the end of the jewish people that's the history i mean we're 850 years that's a pretty big run how many kingdoms how many how many uh empires in 850 years and so every empire goes the same you move in you have a tribal period then you have a centralized period usually there's a civil war and then there's destroyed by a larger kingdom and that should have been the end of the jewish people and yet we reappear in babylonia and then into persia and then eventually we come back and we build the second base of mikdash and when and the hashtag in the hanukkah story and we reach a peak and then we descend and we descend and we descend and is that second-based ambiguous destruction we go and take this out and suddenly the great academies appear in bothell and suddenly there are the the rich tournament they're the uh show them and the hirono and the and the owner and then level disappears and then we appear in spain and spain disappears in poland and we wax and wane the sun burns strongly i mentioned this in the past maharal says our holidays come out of the equinox we do better with balance not too hot not too cold not too much night not too much day equinox even equilibrium our days of destruction ascerbatee base and chavos of atomos and tish above they come out when it's either very dark and very cold or when it's very hot and the days are very long we don't do well with extremes we have to maintain a balance the basal mixture is destroyed a few days later less than a week later they say okay now you can bear your dead okay everything can start to come back together all the decrees that were made now they cancelled out now things can start again life begins again because the sun the nation of the world are losing their impact and the moon is full and the jewish people are coming back there's a change taking place tuba represents that change that switch from corbin where we begin that march now where the sun starts to lose its power and we get closer and closer to that equinox there's a power there of and the way it's expressed is through marriage the menace and all the other uh tribes are allowed to marry and benjamin was allowed to marry and the girls go out dancing to be able to get married says again will be heard in the streets of ishalayam that's the ghouler we describe the goroola in terms of what uh why because as i mentioned in my tishaw video the gemaras that describe the corbin aren't gemara kitten kinna about what about the the widow waiting living widow waiting for our husband if you're old enough to remember that they asked for issue abandoned they wrote a very powerful song about the about the the kotel yeah and i remember one line that really always hit me she is only waiting for her master to come home i passed by in darkness her expression not quite stoned she is simply waiting for her master to come home for her master to come home represents the ultimate period the ultimate separation the break of the relationship says the gemara magilla that the jews said to navi do i still have to keep the torah if a man divorces his wife his wife doesn't have to listen to him anymore god divorced us destroyed our house sent us away so that's it they're both we don't have to listen to them anymore what's the remedy for the corbin khalsa sun recalls we give to a couple they should desire to build a bias their money is held what's the bias number israel they say yeah everyone knows this one you're you're obligated to say this i once did a uh i was once a masonic addiction and both families were totally secular and i said over this far that they had already heard it everybody heard this word each has a yud and isha has a hate the young and hate joined together to form the name of god you know okay but why does the man have the universe wouldn't have the hag you do and he is arts where does shamayim be ours come together in the base of mikdash what is what does yaakov say this is the bias of hashem this is the house of god biases is where a husband and wife live and we come together [Music] fifteen fifteen steps leading up to the base to make this coincidence i think not and participant lists 15 things that you need in order to build the mishkan the glory yuma says that decorated the base of ming dish with pictures of couples embracing don't try this in your shoulder even if it's very liberal it doesn't go over that way today but that's because he understood that the base of mikdash is where we and akash baruch who joined together as a husband and wife and when a husband and wife get married when they built that bias that is the goola that is the bias them under your shell that is the base of mikdash it's coming together it's joining christopher the jewish people it's joining a husband and a wife i've been talking a lot of technical stuff about itself and problems and things like that but let's face it the reason we come here is for that intensity and i i i think i mention this now when i talk to audiences here i said i'm dealing with the most dedicated jews in the world the ones who choose to move here because it's not easy and if you come here it's only because you know that i'm going to have a greater spiritual existence i'm going to have that that relationship with that that intimate relationship the shia hashirim relationship avinu he's my father he's my king but there's a deeper level that she has two lovers in an embrace some that becomes the goal and that's where the oola begins with what with the marriage that's when we start to see it that's what we start to experience it and understand it that's where we come to appreciate it so let's be very real right marriage is hard marriage is hard i've been talking about how difficult to come to living there so it is what's coming in trump know what marriage is also corporal him hikers he held the mountain over their head and said if you accept the torah good and if not there will be your grave champion there's another one that says he held the mount over the head like and there are hundreds of hazal comparing harsinai to a football and someone asked me once how could you use the same posik on the one hand it's a threat of being killed and on the other hand it's something so beautiful like a cuppa and i said i can tell you're not married well you didn't understand it's the same exact thing marriage isn't uh i feel like coming home marriage is an obligation it's a mountain of your head you better show up can't just not come home and trust me if you reach the point where your spouse doesn't care whether you come home or not that doesn't mean because they're so understanding they just don't care about you anymore [Music] compliment heidi gigas means that a coach bravo held the mountain over her head and said this is for real this relationship is for real this isn't if you feel like it i may have told the story in the past this guy says to me my wife is so unreasonable i get up early in the morning i go to manhattan i come home late at night i just want to take a shower i have something to eat and go to sleep and my wife wants to talk to me i said well that's so inconsiderate he says yeah what do i do i said you stick to your guns and eventually she won't want to talk to you either now he knew there was something wrong with that but he wasn't quite sure what how many marriages have i seen falling apart just for lack of interest you don't work at it you accept the torah it's an obligation you have to it's not if i feel like it's i have to marriage is something that we should feel obligated to so to being a jew so to living united st you're foolish if the person gets married and doesn't understand there's going to be issues usually the guy women go through a tremendous amount of angst should i get married i'm going to change my name i'm going to get pregnant i'm going to follow this guy around what's going to happen to me and guys are like you cook okay i'll live here because in the words of jerry seinfeld i bet you women are wondering what we men are thinking i'll tell you nothing we're just walking around you know nothing without thinking anything it's really very simple and women spend so much time inside of their heads they're always like oh what about this whatever they did so men come home and find themselves in the middle of a fight that they didn't even know about the wife started without him it's like what what happened what yeah so yeah you have to learn you have to learn how to become uh uh married you have to learn how to share you have to learn how to give in it's a sharing just like mahmud harasinah just like accepting the torah just like the base of mikdash high couples married so hashem tuba of beginning of the gula the end of the reign of the sun and the beginning of the reign of the moon when we begin to see the world moving back into balance each and ever everything in this world is a nice sin and a macabre that's the way it is sends down the rain the earth takes it in and produces life yeah everything in hebrew is male and female everything goes that way so uh hashem then we won't have to have the rest of the aliyah podcast because everyone's going to come here because american is going to send all the planes gather up all the jews bring them here to the holy land and uh ah that'll be a sight to see and it's not as unexpected as it used to be the coronavirus taught us one thing is that a coachbarrel who can change the entire world in a moment hashem yeah those of us who get here early will find the best spots so but uh all i say is come with your eyes open just like you should walk into marriage with your eyes open and uh you know people say well i'm in love everybody who gets divorced was in love nobody spends that much money on one evening because they they didn't like each other one comedian said i was going to get married but i decided instead i would just buy a house and give it to some little woman that i don't like you got to work at it all good things take effort i've said this many times the reason people live meaningless lives isn't because they want to live meaningless life it's because meaningful lives take effort so uh we will go now together into the yemen we should all be able to uh be saying to build a buyer's name on these cells so mazel tov the alien shira and to their parents who well you did something right if your children on their anniversary we want to thank you and to all the other wonderful couples out there to the lichmans and the olofskis and the gopins and oh so so many so many wonderful wonderful uh wonderful couples and uh this is this is what this is the cooler this is this is what we're shooting for it's hashem the sounds of celebration happiness and marriage and that's it for this week if you want to find out more about the show you can go to my website raviolowsky.com you can leave comments you can sponsor an episode uh you can uh download the jingle now that the three weeks are gone and be able to uh sing along with the raviolis show my friend lady solomon thank you so much thank you everybody my name is devin orlowski and this is the rappinolovsky show it's the rabbi orlowski show tora and simcha ready to go the rabbi orlovsky show knowledge and wisdom will help you grow lots of fun in every episode and we don't have to rhyme it's the rabbi orlovsky show on rabbi orlotsky.com [Music] show till next time till we meet again throughout my orolovsky show it's the rabbi olavsky show it's the rabbi orlowski