Rabbi Dovid Goldstein Shiur about Kibud Av V'Eim at Bais Medrash Ohr Chaim Night Kollel

for having me. It's a big for me to be avoided time at night to utilize the nights. So it's a privilege to be here and uh handle the sug and he opens it up. So there's a lot in there and he tells me n could you tell me the biggest kdish in the whole cafer I said the biggest biggest in the cafer is that there's a mitzvah called he understood it we all know there's a mitzvah that exists but to take that mitzvah to really apply the mitzvah it's not something that everyone thinks about It's it's not in our minds. We don't have the awareness. And the more you delve into the sug, the more you learn the suggest, the more you get an awareness of it. And it brings less. You know, if you stop a 15-year-old ber, you see him, his mother asks him to do something, a chore, and he doesn't want to do it, and he gets annoyed and he starts screaming at his mother. If you were to pull him over and say, "Yanke, I don't understand. Are you allowed to scream at your mother? Isn't not that's hardly imaginable that he would say, "Yeah, that's not a problem. That's not a violation of everyone understands that you're not allowed to do that. So why did he do it?" Because he didn't think about it. That's not the way he's so that requires a lot of attention and writes in a letter that the best way to be or to be is by learning the mitzvah learning the not just learning it but really going through it properly because that brings awareness that brings the herus and he wrote I want to speak about a shila tonight that's relevant. It's quite and that is elder care. A lot of people have parents of age that the parents get older and they're no longer capable of living by themselves. They need assistance. And the shil is what exactly is a son or daughter's responsibility. There's two options. You could put an elderly parent into an old age home, an assisted living or a nursing home. Or you could take him into your own home and do the mitzvah. And before I get into the sh that I want to be mocked an incredible insight from Rabbar asked why is it that in recent times people are that we didn't find in previous generations. A century ago it was very unusual for a person to live to 80 85 90 was come out unheard of and in the past generation or so we see people lots of people living deep into the 80s into the '9s we hear of many people living past 100 why is it that punt now we have people living so much longer than they did in previous generations now of course if you ask a random person on the street this Shila he'll tell you of Today we have tremendous advancement in medicine, advancement technology, we have machines and testing we never had in the past. We have medications and research we never had in the past. Labs. So of course we have all the tools and skills that we need to extend a person's life and have that's how a person would think. Listen to how Rabbar Lee understood it. Ra said because tell us that this of Asov to be existing in this golus over CL Israel is this of Kav as head as of and that is his that keeps him through the golus until Msiah is going to come. is right now in gol of we all feel the goal today but it's of and in order to get out of golas we have to overpower the co of and that was the power of kovus writes that the reason why Esther Hamal was the one that was chosen for the for was because Esther was of she didn't have a father or mother. She never violated the mitz of and she had that she was able to be says in order for to be to the we need this we needed by to overpower the so the made it that we're going to have more opportunity to do granted old parents, long years, old age to have more years, more opportunity to be able to do the mitzvah and with that we'll have the soim on the one hand is a very difficult mitzvah. It's time consuming. It's taxing and challenging. On the other hand, it's from the greatest mitzvah. calls it and we need that for this for and that's why we have so many opportunities today to fulfill this mitzvah of so getting back to the shila elderly parents that are no longer capable of living by themselves and they need assistance and there's two and there's two options a child could It's a big burden to take a parent into the home. Let's enroll him in an adult age home. That's the easy way out. Sometimes a child says, "No, I don't want my parents in an old age home. Want to bring him to the house. I want the I want all those mitzvah." So, what's the right mahal? So of course >> any that before that you should think about not taking the house because you don't want to >> what do you mean by that >> you don't want to be any >> you don't want to be oh okay so that's very important to we'll discuss that but in the sh the first the first thing that has to be in is really the mits before we get to Every circumstance and situation is different and there's sometimes that it's better for the parent to be in a nursing home. Sometimes you have a child says, "No, I don't want the nursing home. I want the miss." But if it's best for the parent to be in the nursing home, he needs that level of care, something that the child cannot provide in his own home perhaps. So then you have to do what's best for the parent. That is the miss to do what's best for the parent. Very often a parent will get much better care if he'll be in a child's home personal attention not in the facility. So the first thing has to bear what is the mitsus of the parents condition and the child's capabilities to tend to the parents necessities. So after we're mire the mits if of course it's important for the parent to be enrolled in an institution that's what has to be done and that's what the mitzvah would tell us as much as you want to bring the parent into your own home you have to do what's best for the parent but I want to discuss tonight the more complex shin that is when it might be best for the parent to be in a child's home and not in an institution but the child doesn't he's not ready to take on the burden the oil of assisting a parent in his own home. Is he to take the parent in if that's better for him? Is the mitzv of that he has to take his parent into his own home? That's Shiloh number one. And Shiloh number two, if he's not or if he chooses not to, who has to pay for the expenses of the assisted living? Is that the child's or is that the parents? Is that the child should pay for it or that's not the child's responsibility? That's the parents responsibility. Now I'm sure the is familiar with the in that means one holds that a child is to honor his parents, assist his parents, help them But he's not to spend money on the mitzvah of so if a father says to a son please go to the grocery store and pick up a bottle of milk for me. The child has to pick up the bottle of milk. But he doesn't have to pay for the milk. The father has to pay for it. Omar says part of the mitz you got to have a you have to pay for. A person can't say well I'm ready to take a if somebody gives me a free of the mitz you to pay for. So over here the mit is to buy a bottle of milk. So the m you to pay for the bottle of milk we that is the expenses of come from the father not from the son. So although he's to be and help the father or mother he's not to spend money on the mitzvah. would be that if the child chooses to send the father to the nursing home so he could come visit the nursing home but he doesn't have to pay for it >> is the father >> what is the father or not >> so that's a very important shila that m will speak about so in truth is it's not so simple like that there was a famous ms that's brought down in many swarm with brisker there different variations of the story but uh I'll say one v one variation of the story but the from all the variations is the same yoid that there's a young man that got a telegram that his father is in the hospital in Va and the father request that his son come to visit him so this young man came to and said I'm prepared to take the time out to go visit my father in the hospital, but a train ticket from here to V. It costs money. So, I'm ready to do the mitzvah, but my father should have to pay for it. If he sends me a train ticket, I'll come. If he doesn't send the train ticket, that's to pay for the train ticket. And told this young man, you're absolutely right. You don't have to pay for the train ticket. Go by foot. Start walking. You have to walk. You want to take a train because you're lazy. It's inconvenient to walk. You don't want to walk for several hours. There was actually it's not clear where this mess took place. Assuming that it took place in the city of Brisk from Brisk to V is a few days by foot. So uh Goldstein has a mimer. He was asked how much a person's to extend himself to do a mitzvah. How far do you have to go? If there's a little van, there's no van in the whole state of New York. You're going to have to travel. Mama has traveled to California to buy Lulan. What do you be to travel to California to buy? You say I'm anist. There's no lines available in New York. Golston has a whole he brings this and he said he comes out after many riots. Yes, absolutely. There's no how much to go for to do it. You got to do whatever you could to do it. Whatever is whatever you're able to do to be able to make in the mitzvah told this young man go by foot don't don't go by train what was telling this young man is what was saying is true but the expenses that are for the convenience of the son that's not that's for yourself that's not for your father you're doing it to make it more convenient for self. L Marshall, let's say there's two ways you want to go visit your father that lives uh out of town. You could take the highway that's going to have tolls, bridges, and tunnels, or you could take the roundabout route that's going to take double amount of time, but uh there's no tolls. So, uh if you say, you say, "Okay, I'm happy to visit you. Pay for the tolls." Maybe the Gaz. We'll speak about the Gaz in a moment. But the tolls, what about the tolls? So, no, you could take the longer round roundabout way. It'll take you four hours instead of two hours. But that's your you want the con the convenience of getting there quicker. That's your own pocket. That's not for your father. Now what about the says that even though we pass but that all means to say that to spend more for your father than you would spend for a regular person. If a random person would come to you and say could you go to the grocery and get me a bottle of milk if you're maybe you'll be matri yourself and go for him but you're not going to pay for it. If he's an maybe you would but you give me the money I'll go for you. So any expense that you wouldn't do for a regular person. So you don't have to do if your father but if an expense handles something that's a little outdated. If you write a letter and you have to pay for the stamp says if you write a friend a letter you're going to tell your friend I'll write you a letter if you pay for the stamp. Of course you know that's that's normal. You pay for the stamp. You send somebody a letter. So if you want to send your parents a letter, they want you to write home, write a letter, pay for the stamp. I'm assuming that it's reasonable to say that, you know, uh if you wanted to go visit your friend, you wouldn't think about who's going to pay for the gas. So >> it is >> true. It's true. Everything's, you know, has to be within. But uh but if you're not driving too far, you know the G is not such a who's gonna pay for the G then that would also go into the same sh and we wouldn't say that the father would be to pay for the gas >> the what >> can you go straight to the say that he should walk anywhere >> you're right you you could say that >> the father doesn't want to see you today. Oh, so if the father says, "I want to see you today." Then you say, "Todd, the only way I could see you today is if you know if I get a train ticket or a plane or uh if I pay for the bridges and tunnels. So if if you help out with expenses, I'll be happy to come and visit." But if he doesn't give a date when he wants to see you, he says, "Please come visit." So if it's going to take you extra time, that's that's on the sun. >> What? What about what about you're going to be walking for three days is we know somebody's walking for three days straight up. So the brings off the that is that is if you're not in the city if you want to leave the city that if I leave the city I won't be able to do so and that is better to leave the city you learn to don't do but when you have you can't pot yourself with every loves to go to medish Friday afternoon when his mother needs his help Friday night sh Friday afternoon when his mother needs his help and he pulls out to card Right. And go to So that's true, but not when you have when you have when it's your parent asks you to do something. There's no So you have a that you could go learn but that your parents can't ask you to do something. You won't be there for them to ask you. But if you were there and you had the to do it, then to do it. So if you're traveling for three days to visit your father, and say parents come to visit like when stuff level against the level >> if the parents come to him. So yeah so let's get back to our two shas that we started this evening. If a uh parent needs assistance and there's two options, one is to bring the parent into the child's home or the second option would be to enroll him in an old age home. So the second child was if he goes to an old age home whose is that to pay for the expenses. So we said just give it but which by the way the po can go with this not just and the and others go with this that any expense that's for the convenience of the son that's on the sun that's not so it comes out like this if these two shas are really to if the son is to bring his father into his own home if is that. So now the son wants to for his own convenience, he doesn't want the oil of being metab he's going to put in the old hom. So it comes out that the expense of old hom is for the son's convenience to get him off the hook of himself being the tab with the father. Then we don't say then the son if he decides to enroll the father old hom the son has to pay for it because really the son's to bring him to his own home. there wouldn't be any expense nor the son doesn't want the the people he doesn't want the oil or it cannot do the oil whatever it may be so then for the son's convenience he's to pay for that convenience >> son's going to give up his job >> okay that's a very good question so if we're going to discuss that this leads us to the first shil so now we so now we realize that the second shil is totally in the first shil so we have to clarify the first shilm is a son to give to bring a parent into his own home and be met with a parent. Is that is the mitzvah of such an to such an extent that a child has to exert himself put himself out to that extent. That's really what we have to discuss and m will be able to be po now. [Music] We know there's this is a general rule by all mitzv a person is not to spend more than on any there are a few exceptions to the rule but generally speaking a person's more than for a mitzvah if a person only has $100 to his name and now it's he has to buy he's to spend up to $20 more than $20 not what about for the midst of how much is a person to spend for and the answer is nothing right if we think about it it's a plea if a regular a person's and now you have which the says And that to spend even a penny. How do we understand that? No. >> Did you have to pay? So >> even if you're going to get even going to get to the you have to >> the what? money is on the so says a vert that kud does not translate into money. Spending money is not being kud of kibbut. Putting yourself out helping those are actions of kibbut. Spending money on a parent is not kut. And therefore the fact that it there's money involved in the expense of the k that's not part of the kibbut that's aim how to do the kb but the k itself has no to the expense involved that's not being the father and therefore you're not to spend money for the but my child is like this there's from the she of is not only limited to money if somebody were to have a tremendous or that would be equal to has a if a person's after 10 years he's married for 10 years and didn't have any children he's to be mish's wife or marry an additional wife the mission says because there's a pu so has a sham that Nowadays where we don't have the option to marry another wife it could be to divorce your wife because that's giving up for the mitzvah of more than is the the what you're giving up that means more to a person and if a person not to spend more than on a mitzvah so it's not limited only to money that means a person has doesn't have to be mitire himself or compromise or sacrifice more than what's worth to him for a mitzvah. So when it comes to money for any if a child will take a parent into his house and the oil the burden the the of taking care of a parent would translate into more than is the much is there by or maybe there's no how far does a child have to exert himself for mitzvah. There's a miskim. We know that by various mitzvah there's a tour of if somebody is walking down the street and he sees a mit on the floor and it's embarrassing for him to pick it up and walk around with it. What exactly? It means but whatever is the father or mother asks the child to do something that's a big bizo for the child to do it I can't do this huh >> you can't do this >> you can't you can't respond you can't answer back but And and over here the father's mad you there's nothing you could do other than just retaliate. But over here if the father asks you to do a shimush I need help with something. Imagine the father was a soda bottle collector and he ask you to you know I need help pushing the big shopping cart full of soda cans you're going to push down the street. You know it's very embarrassing. Are you to do it? What? Not to do that. >> So that's that's part of the Shil. Very good. That's M the Shil is there by this Shil to the famous is a or because the is generally by other but we don't find a of so we could say that the so is part if we say there's You know there's no says that is a and very same says there's no way by by how you talking. So there's a safer on he says that even if you say because so just like there's no so it comes out that most go with this that there's no and even if it's embarrassing but that's part of the mitzvah that's what the Mrs. like says in a person shouldn't say it's not my used to uh say what people come with on Shabas they got a big stain on their suit on Shabas and they want to know how they could clean it up it's embarrassing to walk around with you know a big stain on the suit on Shabas say that's your badge of honor by having that stain you're showing that you're keeping Shabas Shabas. So, uh, what we might think is that's the in that discusses the and the says, "What happens if the father does not have money and the son does have money? Then we force the son to be from the son's pocket. Even though that's if the father has money. If the father doesn't have money, then the sons from his own money. What happens if the son also doesn't have money? You're not to go around collecting to feed your father. The simple reading of sounds like that. that a child is not to go for his father that that much to do. You don't have to go says the on this when the says the doesn't mean you're not to collect for your father. What the means to say is that if you don't have enough money to for yourself and for your father, you're not m to collect for yourself and give what you have to your father. That you're not to do. If you the son only has enough money for either himself to buy lunch or for his father to buy lunch, the son could buy himself lunch. I his father doesn't have lunch. Now the son's going to be to go collecting for his father. So when the mahabra says that the son's not to go collecting, that means he's not to go collecting for himself, but he he could buy his own lunch with his own money. He doesn't have to give his last penny to his father, but he can use the last penny for himself. And now that he doesn't have money for his father, he's to go collecting for his father. And the son does not have the ability to give the father from the son's money. And the father now has to go collecting the sons to go collecting for the father. Why? Says that if a child is to go collecting for his father, his father needs money and the father needs to go collecting. Forget about it if the father is old and can't do it himself. Even the father could, but the father needs help. He wants some help. He says, "Yankei, I need help collecting. Please go to the local today and collect for me." Says that's part of the mitzvah. The doesn't say this is not like that. And the fears the says she doesn't understand why the should a child's not to go collecting for the father. Why is it in any other that the father needs that a child is now perhaps the held that there is it doesn't pass for a child to go collecting it's and that much the child is not to do but takes with that there is a for child to put himself out even in a mat of a Even the sh that says the child is not to go collecting. But the shak does say that a child is to give as much money as he could up to the point that the child cannot uh would have to go collecting. That means if the the child has enough money for two meals, the child has to give one for himself and one for his father. He's not to go collecting for the father. But up to the last penny, the child to give for a father and even the agrees that there's no a person's to give his last penny for his father up to the point that he had to go collecting. So the even but he's asking that a child to give up his last dollar for his father. There's no by there's a gamorus the gmor brings a also the kamera of there was a lady that came before of she was married for a bunch of years and didn't have any children and she wanted to get divorced to uh get remarried and have a child said to you don't have au She said to him, "Does this lady not need a stick for her hand? She's going to need a cane when she gets older and a shovel for her for burial." She said, "I need a child. Forget about the mitzvah. When I get old, who's going to hold my hand? Who's going to be my cane when I walk in the street?" This is the of the of the child that was part of the That's the Ben. That's the child state in Kazal and in thekim that the mitzvah of is a person to be able to give everything that he could possibly do for a parent that he could put himself out. The only thing that he's not to do is the expenses. Now, somebody asked a good question. What about if he's going to take a father or mother into his home and he's going to be busy throughout the day, he's going to lose his job. So that has a truth about said you're not to lose your job. Even though it says in that a person's to be to be able to be take care of your parents says means temporarily. You could miss a day of work even if you're getting paid by the hours. You're going to miss a day of work. That's money lost. That to do but that's temporary. But if somebody's going to lose his long-term that said that's that's already that's not called Ben that a child is not to do. The po can say similarly if taking a parent into the home will cause a big strain on bias. If the spouse is very strongly opposed to it, the police can say of course you should try to encourage and give the the of the but ultimately if the spouse is opposed to it then it'll cause a big strain on the bias then that's very likely that's also considered mish a child's not to lose his marriage or strain the shias for the sake of kibov but Under normal circumstances as far as the a child putting himself out to be with a father with a mother the mitzvah this is the this is the this is the husband not the wife wife. Uh so very important to mention that there's a very big difference whether it's the man that wants to bring his parents in or it's the wife because we all know the that is from she's not in as long as she's married and the would would uh the the bow. So if she's able to do and the bow's happy with it and he's masking to it, the father, she should do whatever she could do. But she's and therefore this whole would be very different in the case when the wife wants to bring her parents into the house and the husband is misn on the isha of and that would be a different >> so that's a shil about it but I'm saying bringing a parent into the home poses that's going to be going to definitely take away from the husband. So the husband would not be masking and she wants to do it but the husband is not masking. Of course the first thing to do would try to encourage him and and you know the bottom line is she is from and therefore she wouldn't be able to have that same as the man would. I just want to be Messim that the whole of the of is not really accurate because the is for one single mitzvah a person has a one time take. So if there was one single of that you're handling if it's a or not then maybe there's a is it more than less is there of or not but taking a parent into the home long term is not a one-time mitzvah. It might be a one-time decision but it's not a onetime mitzvah. It's a it's a continuous mitzvah. It's a continuous mitzvah day in day out. Every minute that you be is another mitzvah. So of course the wholeish is irrelevant. You're talking about hundreds thousands tens of thousands of mitzvah of that the parent is there. So that would be a different >> different what you have left. It's not going to take up all your money. >> Right. >> Right. But the is only for one mitzvah. So over here >> starts with $1,000 $200. Now he's got $800. of that doesn't mean you all of what you have left. >> That's true. It's a of what you have left. But if you think about all the time, so in other words, right now if you're thinking is that or the people or the aggravation whatever you want to call it of taking the parent is worth to me. It's worth more than you're thinking about not for today 100 times. You're not going to get to most of your money. You're only going to get to me of your money. >> No. what you have left that you know of the is going to keep shrinking but personally >> right but for each mitzvah you have the for each mitzvah you have a so each time you do the think about it is this mitzvah right now worth the to me of course you know each time each day each of And one one last there's a famous says that if you have a on shabas that needs bosser he needs boser and he's and you're allowed to be for him. So the is you allowed to on shabas and asks the why are you allowed to on shabas why don't you take we know that there's no is and is so of so why not give him and you don't have to do and the says it's true that if you match the to the one time one against one is but if the has to eat a lot and he's going to be eating multiple of versus one says multiple a small a is more than one aur one time. So it's better to give the one time to one time versus giving the again and again. So if this is by so you know so if somebody thinks about how many mitzvah he has the opportunity to be by taking a parent into his house a mitzvah every single day. It's a tremendous it comes out. So it's definitely something to think about before you make such a decision.