Rabbi Dov Brezak - Effective Discipline for Difficult Children Overview (from Torah Anytime)

this torah class is brought to you by torahanytime.com okay everyone welcome back this hashem i was already giving the webinar on a different place and i said if anyone could chat me to make sure that i'm in the right place and nobody answered then i look and nobody's there so now you hear me you didn't see me i was talking i was in a different room i'm happy to be back welcome back and it's back but we're only starting this is the effective discipline webinar for difficult children allow me to explain what this means and before i do i will say a short to feeler that this webinar be mad in the most successful way so until now we gave a webinar effective discipline it that's it period nothing additional now we're giving a webinar effective discipline for difficult children what's the difference we like to categorize children into two different categories number one children that accept your assertiveness and your authority and children that don't those are the two categories of children so for all practical purposes the children we spoke about in the previous webinar were the latter children that accept assertiveness and accept authority please understand today in this generation even if you exercise your authority and even if you'll be assertive it has to be done in a different way it can't be done in the way it was done but even so and you'll adjust and you'll do it differently there are children that are allergic to it will not accept it especially especially nowadays and that's who this webinar is for those children that when you tell them do this do that they say no and when i don't want no i'm not they just ignore you and don't even pay attention to you and you but i said something i don't care i'm doing what i want i don't want they don't accept the no they don't accept yes they do what they want to do and that's why they do it so the assertive children the authority children we call them the accepting children if you'll push it they'll accept it at the end of the day it may not be an easy it may not be easy but once you do it they'll accept it that's what we spoke about in the previous webinar that's the first category of children now we're talking about the other types of children the fighting children we call them we said difficult children we mean fighting children children that will defy your authority they will stand up to you and fight you and the more you'll try to be assertive and the more you'll push your authority the more they will stand their ground dig their heels in and fight back and that's who we're talking about today now there are different types there are number one the types of children that are just breathing the air that exists in this generation it's the spirit of chutzpah that we've seen today that is in our generation that is nothing like has ever been seen until now big [Music] is so widespread and and all over the place that's one reason a child will be difficult and then there are children that were born with difficult meadows then they are difficult upon difficult because they have the attitude of the generation as well as having difficulties in any generation they're born with short fuses they're low frustration tolerance their rough and gruff and self-centered and powerful steamrollers controlling independent type kids they're all kinds we're going to lump everyone into one category and call them difficult children for our purposes here in this webinar we're going to call them fighting children so rabbi said we're dealing with fighting children and we're going to learn how to discipline them now who says we should discipline them for anything maybe we should leave them alone maybe we should just get along with them be nice to them give in to them and forge a relationship with them who said we need to discipline at all now you have a point but you know there was a big uh series in the mish-bah magazine a few years back it was called hefkervant and it was a big debate between two very big mohan should you just let kids off the derek alone should you be makkar of them what should we do how should we work with it i see that there are okay some people are having technical issues but i am being heard by many of you so i hope as jimmy as many of you can hear me as you can for those of you that don't hear on the webinar perhaps you can go to the audio i will ask the administrator to put on the information just so you can go to the audio and be able to hear on the audio which you can dial into just in case you can't hear on the webinar soon you'll get that information hopefully bear with us look at your chat if anyone can put up that information yes so why should you discipline your team maybe a relationship is the most important thing i do clarify we're not talking about kids off the dera kids of the dera have a different set of rules and require a different approach we're talking about kids on the dare and we don't want them to go off the dara so is it just about playing up to them is it just about spoiling them is it just about giving in to them and doing whatever they want now you have on the chat just for a moment you can look you can see the information to call into if you can't see the information if you can't see me on the webinar i am live and i am uh i am being heard by many of you so rabbi kids going off there are no kids on the there are they be disciplined says that the one there are many leaders many good medias and many not good meetings says the husband is it they all come from one good media and one not good the one good me tha says is to do what's right not what you feel like and that's the opposite of the fighting child because the fighting child does what he feels like and not what's right and so rabbi say that is the one good media which is the source of all the good meetings so do we want the fighting children not to have the one good media which will bring them to all the good medias we want them to turn out rotten and do whatever they want and not have the strength to say no to themselves and who knows where that will take them all their lives don't they need discipline just as much as everybody else don't they need good meat days we're talking about for kids up to about the age of 15 if you're asking we're not talking about older children from 15 and up we're talking about younger children from about five to fifteen if you're asking me so getting back to the hazard is that's the one good media which brings to all the good meat days do we want that our fighting children should not have this one good meeta is that what we're looking for don't they deserve also to have the one good meet and we want them to have bad meet us all their lives just because they're difficult people to deal with just because we don't have tools to use that's why we're giving this webinar to give you the tools to help your children the difficult children to become disciplined now will discipline get them to become disciplined not necessarily we're going to learn how to get them to become disciplined but understand not leaving yes leaving your children your fighting children to their own devices backing off doing nothing giving in to them and letting them do whatever they want is the worst thing in the world you can do for your fighting children for your difficult children so so many parents tell me so just let them do whatever they want i can't on how to deal with them so you tell me i can't fight with them just let them do whatever they want and we're not saying that but you have to learn a different way we're here to teach you this different way the way you're used to the other way doesn't work with these children so we have to learn a different way we want them also to be able to have the one good media of being disciplined now we're going to approach it from a site we'll study it step by step and let me go into the steps with you so now we're talking that's the first introduction to what we're speaking about we're speaking about the fighting child who defies me who talks back to me who doesn't listen to me right away and they can fight me passively i have to say something seven times until they listen it's like pulling teeth they do whatever they want and they don't care these are the fighting children the more assertive i am the more i push my authority the more difficult they get they are allergic so we have to help these children to become disciplined as well how do we do it that's what we're studying you're the second person to ask you what ages are we talking about tonight from the age of five to the age of 15 approximately we're not talking about teens basically and we're not talking about very little children so first of all let's study chutzpah this hoods for this attitude it's all over the place all over the place it's the likes we've never seen children calling their parents by their first names children hitting the parents children um throwing things at parents children parents afraid of children basically you've seen it seen it and there are children that can get stronger than parents physically and then what do the parents do especially mothers and it's a big problem kicking punching hitting yes yes what about this good spot what what do we do with it what do we do with it number one we have to know that rev elio la piana heard this from the great mechanical turks that's who just passed away he just passed away i think a week ago and this unbelievable muhammad talbot of the hazarish was close to 100 years old said in the name of eliot in the times of mashiach is a blessing that's our time the times of visiya and chutzpah is a blessing why because there are so many temptations and challenges out there that if a person doesn't have khuts but he won't stand up and do something to not fall in so chutzpah is a blessing not a curse i know you just love this blessing you wish you're really enjoying it in your home what blessing it brings you makes your life miserable this blessing but here's them please kritzbah is a blessing a blessing a blessing rabbi saying a 15 year old told me he was on the bus on the bus in eric's israel and someone sat next to a non-religious person started playing with him and his private parts at this point today is off to there but he told me that he was too shocked like too scared to do anything so he let this person abuse him while he's sitting and doing nothing on the other hand a mother told me that her seven-year-old very feisty a real fighter difficult child somebody tried doing something when he was seven he tried picking him up a pedophile and it was in a i don't know what this boy was doing it was in the downstairs near a shore where nobody was there and this pedophile started picking up not a religious fellow but a pedophile and the boy started scratching him and scratching his eyes and punching him and kicking him and the guy had to let him go for a minute and he ran away so here we are did these this kid had chutzpah not afraid and the other kid was shameful bashful shy and what happened to him and that's regarding predators what about regarding the own things you're faced with there are people that will you'll be faced with inappropriate material if you travel in public transportation and people are using their phones next to you and you're seeing inappropriate stuff you can see somebody watching a movie on his iphone right in front of you buddy you're on a plane on a plane going and people next to you all over the place are watching movies and some of inappropriate stuff is on the movies you need clitzba to look away you need clitzka to not succumb do you need cuts for today or so you can't walk anywhere you can't do anything without falling how necessary how critical it is to have hudson why am i telling you this you don't want the kids to use it for you you want them to channel it i'm telling it to you because when you see it don't get upset in it don't be angry at it don't try to uproot it we're here to channel it not to get rid of it what's the difference the difference is we don't get upset let me see how could it be my parents would never talk to me like that i could never get away with that i would be on the floor my father would be after me with a belt my mother with a cane this one would do this so you get upset you get angry and the whole day long you're walking around how can this be i can't believe it mother tells me her son told her she's she he called her a name dude mother was like almost fell to the floor dude you call me dude a special special mother yes and then he said something to uh some other comment ma i think you have learning disabilities so like the mother was like but she she was com she remained composed she's in touch with me and brought hashem she answered him back and it was a very good answer and i was very pleased but the first thing we're looking for you to do is to realize why the is here hashem put it here and he put it in your children and it don't get nervous about it don't get upset about it don't get broken from it that's the first thing to know that's it now the next thing to think what oh how are we going to deal with our children with this hot spot are we going to push the authority no matter what it doesn't work if it doesn't work you see now the first thing why is the first thing so critical here to not get upset because if we get upset and we get all irrational we can't use our we can't use our heads and we'll just do what comes naturally and what comes naturally is not going to be what's effective naturally and effectively are not necessarily the same thing and the famous famous educator nerds over here yaakov and once told me when i spoke to him about speaking for parents he speaks to parents all around the world he just came out with a book in english but he is the king of khinokanersi so about 30 years ago he came out with the issue of kids at risk he discovered it in any case he told me one spoke to of steinmen and he said how do i know what i'm saying is right i speak to parents all over and rashteinman that's all told him makes no difference if what you're saying is right or not the main thing is that you're getting parents to think and that's most of the answer rabbi is saying if we can think think think if we can think before we met the chutzpah and the difficult child that's most of the answers so that's why the first piece is so critical here and that's realized this is not only the norm it's a blessing don't get heartbroken from it your child needs it just he doesn't need to use it against you he needs it he needs it now the next piece is are we going to we know that so now we're going to continue using the old ways the ways we use with the other children the ways we've used in previous generations are we just going to push the values no matter what you have to listen to me zero tolerance for chutzpah you will not get away with this you tell me i have learning disabilities so you're going into your room for a week and only having bread and water and it's of course you go to school then you come home into your room bread and water until you come graveling to me on your feet begging for mercy then i'll think about maybe reducing your sentence no no you know from experience that it doesn't work we're here to help you find tools that work rabbi say tools that work with these difficult children that help them to become disciplined now the next piece is you have to know you have to know you have to know that the only way to help them become discip to help discipline them is if they become disciplined as we said earlier but i don't know if you realize what we're saying here what we're saying here is that to help them become disciplined they have to accept your discipline so it has to be done in a way that they accept the discipline any attempt to discipline a difficult child has to be done in a way the child accepts my discipline if he doesn't it's not going to work in order to do that i'm going to have to learn not to be stronger but to be smarter the techniques will be teaching you in the coming classes this is the overview we are now starting a five part series if you want to register for it you can in the same place you registered for this free webinar but we're starting an overview and we're teaching you this is being recorded we're teaching you the different ways that work with these children to get them to accept your discipline and become disciplined and they are counter intuitive they are ways that will teach you not to be stronger than your fighting child they will teach you to be smarter than your fighting child we say don't be a martyr be smarter barbase do you understand until now and then what was used in all the generations until now was the authority and push your authority more and more and more and if they don't accept it more and punish more and threaten more and scream louder and consequence more and hit more and we've heard even cases where parents are locking a 17 year old girl out of the house and you don't come home on time you can't get in and the girl is trying to climb into the house and get into the house or you'll do all kinds of other things to show the child kick them out of the house don't let them all kinds of things we've heard all kinds of consequences what are you fighting with a fighting child it gets you nowhere it's what you're sacrificing the child because of your rules one mother we heard from one mother we didn't hear from the that mother went from a different mother told us about this mother and she said since i've cracked down i feel much better now what happened to your 17 year old well i kicked him out of the house but i feel much better so is that called effective you're feeling better but it didn't work a mother came to me she was so happy she was in a good mood that she her 17 year old had an iphone she just couldn't take it anymore she just got up one day and she smashed it and she felt better she told me she felt better and i understood her i heard i understood the pressure but the boy is off the thera and this didn't help him too much it just pushed him in the direction he was going being stronger the first thing you have to know after we tell you to calm down and not get upset and use your head if you're using your head you have to use your head to be smarter not stronger the way to get your difficult child to become disciplined is if you'll be smarter not stronger now there's something else we have to know in order to make it easier for us that other thing that we have to know is that if stainman made a shocking statement shocking statement stainman said many times and i heard this from him myself i actually went to him once i'm going to give you something we are not teaching this but maybe i won't say it not to mislead you but i went to a statement with a case and i gave him one application of how to be smarter instead of stronger i spoke over this technique with him which we will be teaching in our coming webinar this is only the overview so i said it him and he screamed at me he loved it and he screamed at me and he said i already said there's no such thing as now this is a cryptic uh thing to say it's like me the hair it's contradicting what we see what what does reshayman say when a kid calls his mother a dude where he tells her she has learning disabilities or a child or four-year-old child would take a plate of chill and hot steaming chunk and shove it in his mouth in his face in his father's face or kids that are kicking their mothers and the mother is telling me it hurts they don't know what to do boys who are 12 and 13 and uh we won't go into all the uh and a boy that tells his mother seven-year-old you didn't make me suffer you don't deserve to be called the mother so he starts calling up by your first name what is this this is not what is this how do we call it a mother just told me recently that her daughter took her and grabbed her cheeks and held her face a 14 year old girl held the mother's face and like what is that that's that's their character what is in the world is there steinman saying what in the world is riv steinman saying so restaurant is saying somebody asked me what happens if you use any of these techniques on non-fighting children not convinced to show that any of my children are fighting children so if you are in the last webinar we said that you have to experiment with your children we gave you a host of techniques to youth for being assertive and we said you have to expand with your children and be assertive for a week or two and see if the techniques work then you know that they are not fighting children and you have to really follow through if you don't know then you can you keep being a student until you do know okay back to where we're holding so rabbi is saying again i'm getting questions to many of them people online they don't know if their children are fighting children or not again i tell you if you don't know and simply experiment be assertive and be assertive for a week and try to be assertive as much as you can what does it mean to be assertive i'll tell you very quickly we spoke about it become be confident and be consistent follow through being assertive means you be there and you see it through you follow through and you want to see ad hassa now if it works some of the time if it works most of the time then you'll know that this child is someone who accepts assertiveness most of the time is what determines the child you have to do it and you have to follow through and you have to follow through for more than one time and more than just one day it has to be for a good week at least if you see these are children that tell you no i don't want no i will not no and they do what they want and they fight you these are fighting children you can see them at the age of two and three already just that at that age you can overpower them but we're talking the age of five and six and seven you can see already what kind of children they are i'm going further so everybody's saying we're teaching you once you've determined what kind of child you are what kind of child you are once you determine that so now you have to go further and be smarter with your with your fighting charm now we're in the middle of telling you rip steinman he says there's no such thing as switzerland what in the world is he talking about and the answer is it's funny as it sounds the children are only acting with chutzpah that's not what they really want they really want to please you every child alive today wants to please you and find favor in your eyes they want to be good steinman told me that it wasn't necessarily the case may be years ago maybe years ago chutzpah was chutzpa but today every child wants to be good every child wants to please you every child wants to find favor in your eyes you should know the difficult children the fighting children the ones that define you if you don't get along with them they are not happy they have no self-confidence they are broken they are miserable kids that go off the derrick by the way are miserable very miserable kids that are fighting with their parents are miserable they have absolutely no self-confidence because a child gets his self-confidence from his parents approval it's very very not apparent but that's the truth we dealt with children i'll give you an example of 15 year old bulldozer child this child was so full of himself that he would steamroll the parents especially the mother and she would fight with him and fight with him and fight with him we took the child to the therapist and the therapist said this child has zero self-esteem not an ounce of self-esteem we couldn't believe our eyes this was a fighter a bulldozer a powerhouse an independent child would do what he wanted and would tell his father and especially his mother no no and he would do what he wanted went outside and he had zero self-confidence it's so clear because him and his mother did not get along and the fact that they were fighting the whole time gave the child zero self-confidence please understand if we know this it will make it easier for us to work with our fighting children that's the next piece aside from having to learn how to be smarter we have to know what's really going on in our child's hearts they want to be close to us they want to find favor by us they have their struggles because of the chutzpah and because of the personality and because of i please forgive me i can't take a lot of the questions right now i have to go through the material so that we can complete it but you can join us for the webinar coming up this is only the overview we have another five parts and we do have breakout sessions we have coaches there are questions and answers i believe the first 50 that register for the webinar we'll have a question and answer session with me for free so check it out check it out i can't get to all the questions no it's just not possible there are too many people on the line so rabbi say if we know that our children really want to find favor in our eyes if we know if we know that without finding favor in our eyes they have zero self-confidence that's what they really want it could make it easier for us because many of us are threatened by our children we are threatened by the fact we think they're controlling us we think they just do whatever they want and they don't care and we get hurt from their opposition and defiance and if we know that there is no clitzba if we understand who they really really are then we can help them and we can bring out that good part of them which is the real them everything you see is not really them it's they're acting they're acting with hutzpah they're acting defiant they're acting oppositional it's not really them it's not the way they want to be that is such an enlightening piece of information for us which can be so helpful for us we don't have to get hurt at all no hurt at all are we saying so now we know we know that the khuts was a blessing we don't have to get upset or thrown by it we know that we have to be smarter not stronger than our fighting children we know that they really really want to please us that's who they really are and all we have to do is bring that out and we know that if we're going to keep fighting with them just to be stronger with them and not to be smarter than them then not only will we not get anywhere they will not get anywhere so understand if you're doing it if you're going into a business and you're making a business prep you're deciding how to make a business deal you will never enter a business deal which is what they call in the secular world lose lose you will at least try for a win you will always try that you should win if the other part loses that's another question the optimum business deal is win win when i win and the other person i'm doing the deal with wins and we both win that's the best type of business venture to pursue do you imagine anybody pursuing a lose-lose nobody in their right mind would pursue lose lose but this is what fighting with your fighting children is lose lose that's all it is we lose because it doesn't work and they lose because they lose every ounce of self-confidence they have and they wind up living a miserable existence and they can't be much sleek in life they're upset up for failures how can anybody be matsuyak in life when they feel that they're nothing and if they don't get along with us they'll feel that they're nothing so it's a lose lose sai let's stop it let's learn different ways let's become smarter let's bring out the good in our children i will tell you these fighting children can be your most powerful powerful ally we've seen parents that have changed the techniques and the fighting children are the ones a mother told me two weeks only two weeks she was working on stopping to fight with her fighting seven-year-old girl and the girl she was cooking in the kitchen on thursday was hot and the girl said mommy can i get you the fan and she brought the fan in to start cooling for her mother understand these children that are full of the energy they can bring be their parents biggest allies i know a mother was fighting with her daughter for i don't know how long and she learned other methods and she became close with her daughter her daughter now goes shopping with her for shabbos the girl is over 17 but she goes shopping with her for shabbos and she will not let her mother carry the groceries she wants to make sure she's very very close with her mother i know other cases where a girl and her mother they didn't get along they were fighting the girl didn't talk to her mother for almost a month but they the mother changed her technique and they became very close the girl always tells the mother how much she misses her when she goes away and how much she loves her and she's so close to her and so on rabbi say these can be your biggest allies if you play your cards right what is the main theme the main foundation that all our techniques are based upon let me just take quickly such some questions from the chat just for a moment does this mean a fighting child is only happy if not acting out being difficult it means the more they act out and difficult they are the less happy they are of course that's what it means yes they're not happy when they act out even if they get their way through the acting out and they have to do a fight even a winner is a loser in a fight is a fighting child always born a fighting child who they develop into them they can develop into fighting children they didn't always have to start out like that usually it's a personality and a nature so if all your kids are fighting kids you ask me then the other one probably you don't need but it was really good if you can get the recording okay fine in any case that was regarding the previous webinar so there we go rabbi say let's go further so now what is the foundation that all our methods are based on the methods we use we call them dot com slash md dot com let's see what to do with a child who bothers everyone it doesn't mean that he's a fighting child a child that acts out doesn't mean that he's a fighter a fighter means when you discipline him how does he respond to your discipline the fighters are allergic to discipline when you try to overpower them they fight back and you have to fight to overpower them even more and then they fight back even more and the discipline doesn't work those are the fighters your assertiveness and authority doesn't work and therefore we don't know how to discipline them in a way that will work those are the children we are talking about here so now what is the one thread and you forgive me if i don't get to the questions now anymore we must go further the one foundation that all the dot com md methods that's what we call them dot com slash md those are about anywhere between 20 and 30 different techniques that can help you deal with your fighting child to get them to accept your discipline and to help them to become disciplined but they're all based on one principle this is the principle here's a muscle to help you hear it better a patient comes to a doctor and the doctor says to him okay you need to take penicillin and the patient says doctor i'm allergic to the penicillin so the doctor says i don't care what you say i'm the doctor and you are the patient don't tell me what to do and don't tell me what you're going to do you better listen to me or else do you understand i'm the doctor and you are the patient don't you dare now you think this is a joke nobody would do that i saw i was in a hospital where i saw a patient and a doctor have a fight the doctor wanted the patient's wife to leave the room it was a it was a recovery room after surgery and the wife wouldn't leave the patient was screaming the doctor says i'm the doctor around here they were fighting it was hilarious the patient started calling the doctor names the doctor said instead started flexing his muscles and he called the police the police i was in that room when a close relative of mine had just undergone surgery i could not believe in my mind this was happening the policeman came and he was a little bit bigger than the doctor meaning he was a little bit smarter and he calmed the patient down hey tell me what happened it's okay don't worry that's what the doctor should have done the doctor was too taken up with his authority it was mind-boggling i saw this with my own eyes do these techniques work with a child who has adhd yes they do there's recession so the the idea here is if a doctor starts fighting with a patient because the patient tells him he's allergic then the doctor doesn't he has it all wrong it's not him against the patient it's not that he's the authority and the patient has to listen they're working together you are working together with your child you're working together to help your child become disciplined if you're working together to help your child become disciplined you will use methods that work for the child i'm going to give you one example of dot com md there are many different methods let me go through the initials and what they stand for so you get a glimpse of what we're talking about i'm afraid i said before i was afraid i'll give you one method to stay unloved but i don't want it to be misconstrued so but let me go through first the initial dot com md c means control it means you give your child a feeling of control not that you put them in control a mother told us about her eight-year-old girl who told her before she left for school mom when i come home i want the living room clean i want my lunch ready and i want the air conditioning on is that clear she didn't say is that clear i added it on but so with these kind of kids we're going to give them a feeling of control not going to give them control we'll be smarter than them we'll give them the feeling of control so that we can gain control c is control o is on their side we let them know we're on their side they come first and being of them comes comes second that's something which bears a lot of explanation but it's something that wins them over and gains their trust and once we gain their trust they are dedicated to us that's the o m is motivating children these children if we come to them with right and wrong it won't work because they care more about doing what they want than they care about right and wrong so we'll give you seven categories of what we call positivizing to help you motivate them i'm going to explain the example of what i said i didn't give you the example yet bear with me so m is motivating the next m is making it easier for them to listen because if it's easier then they'll be defined as less and d the final method is discussion there's a lot to do about that i'll give you an example a child comes to her here's a case a case of an air conditioner a mother 11 year old girl was sitting next to her father at the shabbos table is an actual case and i'll conclude with this you get an idea of what we're going to be teaching you besides if you want to join us for the next five parts you can the first 50 people that join get a free question and answer session with reviews i think you can get a discount as well so it's up to you an 11 year old girl was sitting next to her father in the living room and all the kids were sitting next to the mother near the air conditioner it was at the shabbos table but for some reason the father wasn't sitting close to the air conditioner and the girl would say next to her father and the girl and the mother are not the best friends not the best of friends and so the girl the mother the father didn't feel one i have to move over to the air conditioner he moves to the other side and the girls left away from the air conditioner so how do you join you you contact info at lifelines.org info lifelines.org that's how you join so the girl said i'm moving also i'm also moving next to the air conditioner 11 year old girl and the mother said no you're not there's no room over here well i'm all sad i'm sorry you chose to sit over there you're going to have to sit over there there's no room there wasn't a move is packed all the kids were sitting in the air conditioner so this girl so this girl starts telling the mother what she thinks of her you are a this and you she didn't use any curse words hashem but she didn't [Music] you say it you're disgusting you're obnoxious you're she probably used the id iot word and all kinds of wonderful so words does the mother do you just start fighting with each other fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting and fighting the mother came to me and i said use some of the dot com md methods change your approach start working together instead of you against the girl you and the girl don't do a lose-lose anymore do a win-win we're working together to help you accept the discipline and become disciplined please note working together doesn't mean to drop your discipline it means to go about it in the way the child accepts the discipline i'll give you one more example but let me tell you what happened here we tell this to the mother become the girl's friend become close and be on her side the o of the dot-com md five weeks later the mother can't know when you hear this many of you will say okay no more discipline that's it it's the end to discipline we're not saying that no we are not saying that we're saying to discipline in a way they accept it and if you become close with them and you become you gain their trust they accept your discipline so it happened five weeks later the same thing the father didn't feel well of course to the air conditioner and this time the mother said to the girl listen to this the mother said to the girl instead of saying the girl said i want to move to the air condition the mother didn't wait for her to say the mother said would you like me to change seats with you so that you can sit next to the air conditioner too and the girl said no mommy i want you to sit next to the air conditioner can you hear this five weeks later that's all it took turn the fighter into your biggest ally and that's an example of the oh method being on their sign there's a c method giving them control i had a seven-year-old boy that would not not my boy a parent came to me adhd all the all the stuff he won all this stuff but adhd and very strongly and probably odd and all the other whatever so the parents could not get him to come in at night from playing no matter what they did and i used this c method giving him a feeling of control i went over to him i said tell me you tell me how we can get you to come in at night you know what he said he gave me a whole long list first you have to call me and i'm telling you right now i'm not going to listen to you you have to call me again i'm not going to listen again and then you have to punish me and punishments don't work with me this is the punishment you have to use to me that works and the parents followed exactly what he said and it worked because he felt he was in control now we were in control of him and then he accepted the discipline that's our goal rabbi say be smart learn smart methods join us with hashem for our five part series coming up now and you will learn how to get your fighting child to accept the discipline and become disciplined as hashem thank you for joining us today you've just experienced another torah class brought to you by torahanytime.com