Torah Parenting for the 21st Generation {Yeshiva Tiferes Moshe Melave Malka}

good can I hold this good everyone it's an honor to be here at this beautiful malava Mala I want to share with you something very interesting something personal I've been speaking I don't know years I was once invited to speak for post Seminary girls which is not my typical audience usually I'll speak to bakim adults across the entire strata of Jewish observants but posts Seminary girls that that that's not my specialty and when you speak to a new audience you want to cultivate some kind of connection with the audience so I just threw out there you know I just came back from the airport yesterday yesterday where I dropped off my own daughter for Seminary and the Friday night before I dropped her off to Seminary at KES thinking you know this is the last shabas I'll be together with my daughter until she comes back I was crying during KES now I just threw that out it was had nothing to do with the subject matter I was speaking about y inspirational words for the high holidays and one girl after another came over to me and said you know I wish somebody cried when I went to Seminary and I'm thinking to myself besides the fact that that's a very telling comment I'm thinking to myself that's not what I spoke about I spoke about the Y did everything I say was it so incomprehensible that's that's the only thing you got out from my talk you don't even know the subject matter that I spoke about all you remember is that I cried during KES which was completely irrelevant to anything else I said and I realized something very important so often when I speak or give a Shear the comments afterward have nothing to do with with what I spoke about it's most often relevant to a off-the-cuff remark that I just happened to say unprepared and I was thinking about this why is that that why don't why are people not as interested in the subject matter as the offthe cuff remark and the answer is very simple you see the subject matter was prepared the subject matter is what I said the off Rec offthe cuff remark is me and people are not influenced by what you say people are influenced by who you are so I may have this really wonderful draa but what really makes an impact on people is who you are and not what you say thinking back in my own life of the things that had the biggest impact on me I'm remembering when I was a teenager my grandfather my mother's father his name was Mr Shimon hang he once told me before y he said Dan davell the rebun listens to your he wasn't a rabbi he wasn't a RV he was a reg he was a working person but he said those words with such conviction with such heartfelt meaning these were not words that he said this is who he was and it resonated very deeply with me parents want to know what could they do to really influence their children children are influenced by you not by what you say you need to be authentic you need to be real if you're going to come to the shabas table you know you want to speak about lanara so you pick up these chabas booklets I know the schools are very into booklets they're great and all the programs the papers and the sheets and all the they're not influenced by what you read at the table they're influenced by your personal conduct who you are you know the ales comments you want to be successful in giving over to your children that will only be when it's on your heart then but when you're just saying something over and it's not you it's just your words then it will be external to the recipient it will not really make an impact I can't help but share with this crowd from who are craving to hear an amazing Insight of the bow I know no just joking but I'm going to tell you anyway we're learning now we just finished and I met someone who told me he saw the personal gamar of his father who was a survivor and on the side of his father's gamar in the last ofus he wrote a note of a tradition inashi from the B I actually had seen it a day or two before in the name of IM and the thought is very powerful the gar in the end ofas talks about so the gar speaks about the various practices of the kissed the stones of the gar says say RI and RI would go from the Sun to the shade and from the shade to the sun they didn't want to be uncomfortable because if they would be uncomfortable they may inadvertently criticize the weather and they didn't want to speak badly about then the says would roll in the dust that's the gar rolled in the dirt of is like the PK says for your servant cherishes her dust says Rashi you ready for this rashi rashi says nothing but quoting the and Rashi omits the word shenar so what's Rashi explaining usually Rashi is there to explain a difficult passage to add beor to add explanation all Rashi does is he quotes the without saying the word Shen says the B if you think the right thing to do is to go to pick up a stone and kiss it oh you know why because the Tyra says love the stone that's fake that's phony you're only kissing the stone because the Tyra says so but you don't have genuine feeling feelings toward so then your entire Act of Love is just a put on show because sh no that only has value if it's genuine not because because you learned the and then you engendered a real genuine love on your own accord then you could kiss the stuns this is the nuda that we're emphasizing children you could go to SCH but children know who you really are they know if you're genuine they know if you're authentic they know if you're for real and if you are and it's then you will be successful in we just read this week the man dared 120 years it's the longest recorded jussa in history you would think after a while he would GA gather a following you would think he would have at least a million of people who accepted his message aino after all the ram says had R he had tens of thousands of students yet n was not successful in influencing seemingly even one individual and there various approaches I know the farno at the end of barus you know ra Sher had wrote a very interesting Sherer uh saer called and he says he remembers in one of one of his class says that he was in Yeshiva back in the uh back in the day the outcome of many of the tamim in the class was a lot to be desired and is was trying to look in what happened with this class and it turned out that the Jewish teacher of that class he himself was not fully m in the tah he was teaching so what do you expect if the rebi isn't M what do you expect from The Tam says Rashi tells us that there was some minuscule deficiency in his own conviction that the Mable would come so is there any wonder why he was not successful influencing people if this this is not who you are are if this is not your conviction if this is something you're just saying over at the shabas table then how do you expect it to resonate with the Next Generation I would like to share with you a revolutionary Insight this is one of the most shocking insights I've ever seen or come across a very powerful understanding of this comes from somebody who is one of the very interesting and Powerful masim in the Jewish world today not only one of the powerful Mas and one of the biggest experts in Jewish Youth and at risk youth a very beloved personality in the Jewish world one of the great mum today Ram rebovich he has a revolutionary Insight in a simple Rashi at the end of par you know ab and are walking to but right before that comes to AB and what does Abraham say h behold here I am says Rashi what does the word h mean God knew Abraham was there what's Abraham saying H says Rashi a of humility and prepared to fulfill the bidding of hem a little bit later Abraham and Y are walking to the and's a little bit suspicious what's going on over here where is the Sheep dad is this really happening he behold here I am the same word that Abraham used when speaking to the almighty God Abraham used when speaking to his child says rib from here we learn that the same humility with which you need to stand before the a parent needs to speak to his child with the same anos and the same modesty and the same humility that you speak to God a father and a mother needs to speak to their children say Ram ribovich you might call me revolutionary but one thing I could tell you is that I deal with disillusioned children today more than anybody else and in most cases one of the primary causes is the child does not feel valued and cherished by the parent that the child feels the parent maybe speaks down to them or doesn't understand them and does not speak to them there is no question that the reason why Abraham a was successful and producing a child the caliber of producing a child who is the next God producing one of the is because Abraham spoke to his child with humility say G what we ask our sons and daughters to do today to ignore the outside world to ignore the pleasures of the street and to focus on Torah values and Torah living that is no less difficult than a what we ask our sons and daughters to do in 2024 what we expect out of them in our society that is no less than an AA and if the only way Abraham successful in equipping a to to pass the Great Is by empowering him with a feeling of value by speaking to him then all the more so in our generation we need to do so you know if I were to ask you what's the job description of a father and a mother Define it what does it mean to be a tati an ABA a daddy a mommy an IMA what does that mean what is the definition Define it if you were writing the dictionary Websters calling you up how would you define father and mother teacher guide instructor role model let's turn to someone who theet calls a ver let's turn to Rashi let's see how Rashi defines the term a you know who uses the word a when the brothers were getting nervous that ysf was going to take revenge against them so y says hey don't sweat it God made me Pharaoh's says [Music] rash friend and supporter the definition of parent is not a teacher is not a role model is not a guide is not an instructor says Rim Schwab from the simple word of Rashi we learn that the definition of father and mother is best friend sayab the PK says it openly remember the episode of the mesis in par it talks about various people in your life who may persuade you to sin it says maybe your husband your your wife your or your best friend says Rashi who's says rash your father is says if you wanted to measure how good of a job am I doing as a parent the question is am I my child closest friend in this world that is the main barometer of determining one's role as a father and mother and if that this sounds surprising to you I found in the that the son describes his relationship with his father son write that when he would walk with his father in the street people would think they were brothers from the great closeness that the displayed to his children so this is also something that we need to cultivate in our times because as important as this was in the times of Rashid and as important as this was perhaps in the times of RAB today our children need our dear friendship more than ever and this is a critical ingredient in being successful in raising children here's another you know the gar tells us that if somebody kills by accident so we send them to the AR M we send them to the City of Refuge and they have to stay there for quite a while until the demise of the high priest of the K and the question is what does the K have to do with this why does the person who killed accidentally the why do they have to stay there until the demise of the K so the says well the K should have prayed that under his aices something like this would not have happened so therefore we keep the unintentional murderer in the AR mikl until the demise of the K as if to say hey K it's your fault you should have prayed that this didn't happen SBA asks since when is the K responsible to pray that while he's working in theik nobody kills unintentionally nobody kills B this is the job of the where do it say in where do it say in K that the job of a is to pray to D that nobody throws an axe up and then the blade doesn't fall on somebody that's the job of the K he has to put Theus in the right place he has to bring the sacrifices in the right place since when is this the job of the K says from thisor we see a great principle that when you're in a respons a position of responsibility your main tkid and your main job is to pray for those you are responsible for and therefore says RI the main job of a father and a mother is to pray for their children and we're not just talking about in and we're not just talking about inic this means all day long you're stopped at a red light you're praying for your children you're driving carple you're praying for your children you're pushing the carriage in the in the store you're daving for your children the main responsibility and tet of a father and mother is to Davin for your children they asked the brisar brisar in their early days in Israel when there were many rash Yesa who did not necessarily fare well with their children in the early days of the state and the brisar Kaya each one of his children remained on the straight and the narrow as they say and they would ask the brisar you knew what's your trick what's your Technique brisar said never in my life did I ever DAV in one dry eyed every I daved I cried bitter tears for the welfare of my children he said many CH many parents you know they Rock their kids to sleep people want to know why kids have so much anxiety maybe it's because when the parents rock them to sleep they sing them nursery rhymes about people rolling down Hills and having their heads decapitated says AB brisar I didn't sing nursery rhymes when I put my children to sleep I would say to hm that they grow up being God-fearing Jews I'll end with one story one of my favorites so parents would come to the stier and say you know stier do you have an a technique should we go to classes so we learn skills stier would say there no techniques there no skills there's tears and he says you see over here kki you see every day I DAV that this boy should be a God-fearing Jew learning already was 52 years old one of the G so the job and responsibility of a parent begins even before they're born and the job hasem continues past when you walk them down to the these are the spiritual Investments we make in our children they're influenced by us by Who We Are by our genuine self whenever we pray for our children if you'll notice we always first pray for ourself first we say open up my heart in your and only [Music] then let it be passed down to to my children we say at the end of we say open up my heart and only then if you'll notice whenever there's a for our children it's and only then in of coming together this evening in this of your partnership with this wonderful yes mayem bless all of us with the that we're hoping for all of our we should all Merit a thank you very much