Toldos: Timeless Torah Parenting For the 21st Century {Heichal HaTorah Hollywood}

Rabbi Gladstein sought after speaker. We want to thank our sponsors lavine and families leish Mrs. Janette Lavine. It's the yard tonight as well as Norman Ginspark and Gerald and with also Michael and Yel Shirts David Lavine and anonymous want to thank anonymous for sure. I don't want anonymous to get offended. Um, Rabbi Gladstein is a sought after speaker. A racial sought after speaker. Usually when you say sought after speaker, it's like, you know, nothing else to say, but Ra Gladstein Mameish is a sought-after speaker. Uh, in my extended family, there's a 13-year-old boy who's obsessed with Gladstein. Mameish holds to be his rebi, as well as I have myster in Baltimore, a six-year-old woman also goes walking every day. You didn't know that. She goes walking with you every day in Baltimore. And um really it's one of the only like events we have here that people ask to sponsor. So people very much appreciate your toas what you have to say. It's a big for us to hear from. Thank you Rob for the warm introduction. Thank you very much. Thank you for all the sponsors, those whose names were enumerated, those who shall remain anonymous. Special thanks to my dear friend Rabj Lavine for uh taking the initiative to uh make this happen this evening and for bringing me here. And it should be an alias nama for his mother who among many others was ma nephesh to send him and his mishbah to yeshiv and that allowed the whole to be and it should bring a great aliyah to her. It's much easier to talk about when my children are not present. It's also easy to talk about to actually successfully implement is an entirely different story. So then you know we have textbook but then how it applies you know you need a great deal of desay and what we call the fifth but I want to bring to your attention an important rashi in this week's para I want to share with you how I would have read the rashi and I want to share with you how reads rashi so here we go this week's para is so we have for the first time a family trying to raise children. That's the name of the para children. We have the fatherson relationship and Abraham Abraham and then has two children and ultimately they couldn't be more disparate than east and west but they were twins. And here's what Rashi tells us. Rashi says on the and the children grew old they grew up. So let's pay careful attention to the words of the grew up and then became a hunter and learned in the base mash. Listen to the words of Rashi says Rashi As long as they were young, they were not recognizable in their deeds. You couldn't really tell them apart. Obviously, they looked differently, but you couldn't tell that one had a different inclination or a different personality than the other. People didn't pay attention to determine to ascertain what their nature was when they became 13. This one set forth set out to learn in the yeshiva and this one became an idoltor. The simple words of Rashi are saying that so long as they were young who pays attention to the personality to the inclination of the child and then they grew up and all of a sudden it became clear as day that one had an inclination in one direction and the other one had an inclination another direction. That's how I read the rashi. I've seen the rashi many times in my life. I think most people would have read the rashi that way. Shams falh detects in the words of Rashi a criticism of Yakov of Rifka. Now you have to be very careful because even though kazal in many places in dozens of places find and detect a critique on the whether even when kazal find a criticism in the you have to understand the criticism is always in light of their phenomenally great levels. We are to us the are greater than the malar and if kazal detect any fault in the it's only they're incredibly high madrega they're being faulted and they're being put under a microscope that magnifies their sin thousands of times. But if kazal do not detect any fault in the we are not authorized to so to speak analyze from our own perspective and say you know I I I think uh made a mistake over here we're not authorized to do that that's considered an egregious affront to the honor of the butch in his opinion rashi quoting the matter are detecting a critique on Rifka. And that critique is no, not that nobody paid attention. The Tory is criticizing and Rifka for not being perceptive and attentive enough to recognize the individual nature of their child and they felt trapped to one of the common pitfalls in that is what we call wholesale. What's wholesale? Well, you know, my first two kids are in this school and they do well there and carpool becomes much easier if the third one goes to this school. So, for the family in general, you know, for tuition, for carpool and for other conveniences for me and my wife, it's better to send the third kid to this school, but the third kid would do better in the other school. Do you understand who your child is? Do you recognize the individual nature of your child? Every child has to be treated like he's the only person in the world. He's the only picadan in the world that God gifted you with. So says Rashi quoting Kazal is criticizing and why didn't they recognize that the gave Jacob au will not work for as says of Shamsh what happened to the kid here you have an as he became a murderer what happened to him nature or nurture yes he had a nature But it's a parent's fault. What was the problem? The problem is they gave Asov Jacob's They told Asov, "Look at Yakov. You see how well he sits and he learns for hours and hours and hours. You're going to do what Jacob did. You're going to sit and you're going to learn for hours and hours." [clears throat] And they destroyed him. Could we say this? We're not allowed to say that. Could Kazal say that? This is a tradition of kazal msi. In other words, Asa woke up in the morning and he said, "I'm not capable of being an ish. I'm not capable of sitting in the I'm energetic. I need to be out in the world and I can't be au." So what should they have done? They should have recognized that the nature of Asov is different than Yakov. And they should have harnessed his ability and his inclination and his talent to to be active for the Jewish people to be involved in communal affairs to take a little bit of a different path than Yakovinu and they didn't do that and they ruined him. Who says that Rashi according to which is the first and most basic rule when it comes to we talk about it we say it everyone subscribes to it but means that before they turn age 13 when they're one and [clears throat] two and three you're looking at them in the crib are they the kind that's very gentle and they're not crying too loud and they're not they're not annoyed and aggravated when they don't get what they want or are they aggressive and you're studying them and you're analyzing them and you're trying to understand their personality and their makeup because you know what you cannot provide to a child if you don't know who the child is and the primary and the most fundamental responsibility of the parent is that you need to be you need to recognize their actions. You need to be you need to study and be analytical. What is their nature? You can't wait till when they turn 13 and all of a sudden you realize that what you wanted for them doesn't work for them or vice versa. You may be an active kind of person and you're out in the world and you can never imagine or see yourself being studious or applying yourself to long-term learning and you're not realizing that for your child he could be a scholar, he could be a and you want to push him into what your father did or what you did or what you know your brother did. But you can't do that to the kid. Do you know who your child is? Who is the gift? Who is the picad that God gave you? You know there's a similar idea that Falhar says that you know what was the mistake you have these two boys Cen and Hel and Cayenne also he he became a murderer. You know what what happened with him? What was the mistake the parents made? And Rasham Shin Falhur says you know what the mistake is? It started with the name. It started with the name. The name the parents gave was cayenne. Cayenne means acquisition. God gave him to us. We own him. He's ours. [clears throat] The child is mine and I'm going to do with him. You know, I have my car and I drive it the way I want and I have my house and I decorate it the way I want and I have my kid and I do with him or her what I want. But that infiltrated the personality of Cayenne. So now Cayenne sees the world as ownership, possession, competition, and he doesn't like the fact that he is sharing the world with him. So the parents projected their attitude toward life into him through his name. No, a child, you don't own your child. I know you would like to and I would like to. We would all like to own our children. They're not given they're our picad. They're given to us as security to watch, to guard, to harness. We don't own them. We're given we're given them for safekeeping, to develop them, to cultivate them. I want to share with you some ideas that emerge from none other than paras to this coming week. para I hope what I say you find controversial but I stand behind it and there's no budging on it and there there will be nothing that anyone could say because it will be so firmly based in from the beginning of time until the of today but it might not be so easy to swallow. And that's always a good way to rile up an audience on mats shabas. Okay, so here we go. Jacob and Jacob and Asov have very different ways of speaking to their parents. We know that Rashi says that Jacob is very polite. Jacob always says please and Asov is uh [snorts] very rude. Asov never says please. And we know YaKob always invokes the name of Hashem and Asov never invokes the name of Hashem. And that was the confusion over here because when this individual who was Yakov masqueraded as appears before the father says, "I don't understand who's in front of me." You know, you feel your hairy. You're hairy. You know, by the way, Jewish kids always have allergies. You know, they're always itchy. They're always itchy. Like you ever notice that? Like Jews are always itchy. So it's it says, you know, why why was Jacob why were they kicking to get out? Why are they kicking to get out? Because As was hairy and Yakov was itchy. That's what says on this. I'm sorry. You know who says that? The balaturator. In the perhatur, not in the balm itself. The perishhatur. He says, "Yaob was smooth and Asa was hairy and Jacob was itchy. He's like, "Get me out of here." You know, so it's mas Jews. Jewish kids are always itchy. I know. My kids have eczema, you know, there are food allergies. Anyway, Jacob, that has nothing to do with anything. Jacob, [laughter] it was a long shabas. I was in Bokeh, you know, spoke at 19 minyanim over there, you know. No, it's amazing what's going on here. Okay. So, Yakov is polite. Jacob Ainu is invoking the name of Hashem. And is very confused. Who's this guy standing in front of me? But quoting his Rabbi Adler has an amazing observation. He says there there's actually another discrepancy between the way Yakov spoke to his father and the way Asov spoke to his father. But it would almost seem like Asov had more respect for his father than Yakov had. And that is when Yakov is conversing with his father. Yakov saysumna get up please. Second person you get up please. But when as comes to tok he says yakumi third person will the tata get up. You hear the difference where Jacob says second person he talks to him directly and Asov says will the father get up third person like you talk to the rv would the rv will the rv right it's danger don't don't get fooled by it okay you know especially if they say with all due respect [laughter] duck duck it's danger run away say I phone call I'm sorry we'll we'll come back to you on that one. I'm telling you, I know from experience. Okay. The worst thing is, with all due respect, also beware of constructive criticism. Okay? I always say I'm willing to take any type of criticism as long as it's not constructive. [laughter] [cough and clears throat] That's dangerous. Constructive criticism is very dangerous. [clears throat] Also the worst kind of lashenhara is letoelas. You know [laughter] I'm telling you letoelas meaning the guy's about to speak you know anyway that just you know rabbi to rabbi. So says what's going on over here is speaking to his father in second person. second personn is speaking third person says quoting his rebadler that's the difference between the Jewish people and the nations of the world by the nations of the world there's a generation gap there's a disconnect between parent and child so there's a certain formality where the child says will the father because there's a lack of closeness between parent and child but by there's a concept a child brings merit to the father. A child brings to a parent. Therefore, there's such closeness. Jewish people do not refer to their parent in third person, second person because of the love, because of the closeness, because of the friendship between child and parent. So, what I would like to bring across tonight is a central ingredient in parenting and that is, you ready for this? friendship. Friendship between parent and child. Okay, but I'm only getting started. So if you're uncomfortable with this, now's the time to go. Ces Schwab in a few places he says, "Let me prove to you because we have to understand if you want to be a good parent, you need to know what the job description of a parent is." You know, how would you describe parent? What does it mean to be a father and mother? Teacher, guide, mentor. What does it mean to be a father and mother? Chauffeur, cook. What is a parent says of Schwab? Listen to the following pak. Okay. The pus is talking about the most severe a whole the seducer. The messes. That is the most severe. somebody who tries to seduce another Jew to worship idols. And it doesn't matter how close they are to you. They could be a blood relative. But listen to the the choices of people who could be the seducer. If your brother tries to seduce you, your son, your daughter, or your wife or your soul friend. You hear this? There's someone in the Tory who's called your soul friend, your best friend. Who Who is this person? Right? We have a new individual in our life. You have a you have a brother. You have a son. You have a daughter. And or your friend like your soul. You ready for a rashi? By the way, Rashi was an Orthodox rabbi. You know that says it's your parent. It's your parent says Rub Schwab. From here we learn the definition of parenthood to be your child's friend. Now that might sound foreign to you. This is what Rashi says. But let's take this further. You say say I don't know it's only one rashi. I don't know how to deal with that rashi. You know let's let's put that rashi on the side. Let me share with you a more blatant rashi. Remember when Ysef Hadik finally reveals himself to the brothers and [snorts] Yseph says, you know, I'm dad still alive? And the brothers were were frightened. The brothers were scared. The brothers didn't know what to say. So says, "Don't worry. Don't sweat it. God sent me to support you." You ready for this? God made me a father for parro for parro. God made me Pharaoh's. Now what is that supposed to mean? Yseph is the father of parro. You ready for a rashi? his friend and his supporter says Rav Schwab. From here that we learn the definition of parent in the lexicon of the Tyra. You know what parent means? To be your child's best friend and supporter. And the barometer to measure how successful we are being in being a parent is are you your kids's best friend in the world? If you are A+ sole barometer who says that Rashi by the way Rashi has an interesting title. You know the says Rashi is rahen Israel he's the the rebi and the father of the Jewish people. So if he if there's anyone who knows what it means to be a father it's got to be Rashi. But let's develop this even further because in two weeks we're going to read parasit. And remember when Jacob Ainu is running away from his father-in-law. So he finally runs away from Lavan and Lavan catches up with him and Yakov doesn't know what to do. So Jacob says, you know, let's let's have a party. Let's make a suda. So the puss says Jacob says to his brothers. Sashi is bothered. Yakov says to his brothers, he doesn't have brothers. He has one brother, Asov. And Yakov's not calling Asov to gather stones. So Rashi wants to know who are these brothers of Jacobu says Rashi his brothers his children his children says Rashi is revealing to us that if you want to be a successful parent when you're dealing the words of the are with your older children maybe adult children, maybe teenager children, you need to treat them not like your children but like your brothers says the then you will have tranquility in your house. If you don't deal with them as their superior but you deal with them as their brothers not as their superior you will have successful peace in your house. Then the says this is rooted in the now the is one of the strictest you will ever encounter. It's like the the of the original the brings the gamatria heim says bonim bonim. So here we have itam rashi the from a thousand years ago until today. And if you want to know, it was very interesting to me. I noticed throughout the writings of the whenever the writes something that one of his children told him. If you look in if you look in any of the always says by the way the says about his children my beloved friend. Whenever the cites his his children he calls them his beloved friend. So you say really we should treat our children like our friend? I remember I once said this over and uh somebody asked me, you know, I just went to PTA the other night and the the principal said that the number one rule is your children are not your friends. So I said look I'm not big enough to argue on the principle but maybe Rashi is you know maybe Rashi and theamifer and the and the andwab maybe they can argue but you say I don't know maybe that was a thousand years ago but today we have to be much stricter you know we got to really whip them into shape in the official biography of the written by his son Okay, it's in the son says that we were pretty lousy when it came to and we're even more lousy when it came to you know why because he treated us like we're his friends. So we weren't even able to really be him. That's how the treated his children. The by the way was also an orthodox rabbi. That's how the treated his children. He let them sit in his seat. He wasn't mbed. However, if if they didn't treat other people with the proper respect, that's when, you know, made sure to instruct them. This is all warm up. Every whatever we've learned so far, I'm just warming up. Okay? But here's the real here's what we're warming up for. Okay? Let's come to this is literally one of the most astounding things. Now I don't like this. I don't like to say this in front of my kids because they may remind me of this. Like I said, it's very easy to deliver this. Putting it into practice is another story entirely. So, Hashem comes to he says, But it starts off behold here I am. What does the word mean? Says the zeon a language of humility and being prepared to fulfill your bidding. In other words, I am here ready prepared to do whatever you ask me. Is like himself before a little while later is walking together with and says, "Dad, we're we're doing this." And Abram says to him one word. Behold, here I am. Wait a second. What does he mean? Humility. But Afrainu used that word to talk to theam. And now he's saying it to Yitzk says from here we learn with the same humility that you have to speak to the creator of the universe you need to speak to your children says gaml every difficult situation in Israel comes to my doorstep they when there's trouble they you always come to me don't tell me that I'm offering you some new vogue idea and no this is not the the way in the alahheim this is not how they used to do it and then when you have trouble you have to come to me says we learn from Abrahamu that the way and the humility with which you speak to the creator of the universe you need to talk to your children says in gamla let me tell you something what we ask a young man, a young woman to do today in 2025. We say no, don't ignore the outside world. Don't be taken in by the allure of the of the secular world. Don't immerse yourself in the media. Don't get involved in technology. What we ask a kid to do to do today is on par with if not more difficult. says, "There's no question in my mind that the way Abraham was successful in equipping Yitzkak to pass the Aeda is because Abraham showed him that he values him and he spoke to him with humility [clears throat] and he gave him esteem that his father values him and doesn't talk down to him." says, "There is no question in my mind that the way Abraham was to establish a son like who was the god is by speaking to him with humility. Now I'm afraid to tell you the next thing." Actually, I think Ram Gaml was afraid to say the next thing because in the new edition of the safer, he took it out. And I think the reason why it took it out is I don't know how you could say it honestly. I would think it's heretical. So, they took it out rightfully, but let me tell you what it said before they censored it. Okay? But don't quote me. Don't say, you know, Gladson came to Hollywood and he said this. No, I'm saying that it shouldn't have been said, but I'm telling you what it said and then why they took it out. But take it with many grains of salt, okay? But not not anything earlier. I said should not even don't even sprinkle one grain of salt on it. I meant every word. Ram Gaml said he heard from his mother. No, let me read to you his words. Margula, my mother always said, now the following statement is heretical and that's why they probably took it out. But his mother said if the Torah was given today with that statement alone is a you know you can't say we mean it wouldn't say honor your father and mother. It would say the opposite. Now obviously you can't say that. What it means is that if you want your children to honor you in this generation, you have to know how to talk to them. So in the new editions of Tivhat, you're not going to find that. But in the original edition that I have, it says that. And he doesn't say that his mother said it once. He said his mother always said it. And when Gamlo's mother was an Orthodox woman, says Gamliel this is the only way that works in our times and it's the only way that ever worked. So it doesn't matter don't say you know in this place and that place this is what works this goes back to the times of it's documented by the that now obviously you're giving over values and you're giving over direction and you're giving over all of the teachings that we need to give it over but in what kind of media? In other words, what is the relationship? Is it authoritarian or is it friendship? And especially with older children. If you want to have a successful and peaceful relationship, this is the way that works. Hini lashova. You know I saw uh an amazing idea in a safer. This safer is is a incredible safer. It was written by the sadic of Ranana. Here's a makabel. He happened to be a kabusa. My great-grandfather. My great-grandfather was uh the last R in Sakav. And this Saddic Rana never had children. He actually writes that anyone who says over his detra he'll bail you out of any trouble in this world or the next world which is always a good way if you want to get people to buy your safer you know that's always obviously that was like go you know and he says you know if you look at the beginning of the starts go tested love Abraham Right. This is the beginning of the of the begins. How what's the test? Abraham. He said Abraham. And yeah, what is this? That's the test of that. Hashem said Abraham. And Abraham said, "Yeah, get get cut to the chase. What is this masterpiece theater? What's all this formality?" And the Almighty said, "Abraham." And Abraham said, "Behold, here I am." Just cut to the chase. Just say, So the talana says you know usually when Hashem calls Abra he says like at the end of the Abraham Abraham double you know what the test of the was you know if Hashem would have called to Abraham say Abraham Abraham I was whoa it's me and Yakov and Moenu I'm on like the Mount Rushmore in the Tanakh yeah bring it on I could do anything I I know you have a high opinion of me. But Hashem says, "Let's see you pass the test when I talk to you like you're a nobody." That's the test of the test of a isra. You're a regular simple person. You get no special attention. I'm not showing you any affection. Now, let's see if you could you could do something above and beyond. That was a very difficult test because when you when you speak to somebody that way, but imagine you tell somebody, I don't really think that you're too uh capable. Would you mind doing X, Y, and Z for me? There's no way you're going to get a good job. People live up or down to the way you talk to them. And Abraham sees he sees God off in the distance. He doesn't really feel that close to Hashem. And the test is if Hashem's talking to you that way, could you still pass this test? And Abraham passes with flying colors. That's why right after says, "Look, let's set the record straight. Abraham, Abraham, I know exactly who you are. I was just testing you." But it's interesting. Abraham sure doesn't talk to that way. And let me explain. In parasit when Jacob has the dream so he sees the mal the going up and down the ladder listen very carefully it says you hear what's going on Hashem's talking to he's saying I'm the god of Abraham your father what Abraham is not Jacob's father and the god of is his father. So it should say Abraham says the opposite. I'm the god of Abraham your father. He's not the father. And the god of yitzk he's the father. So there's an incredible rauim. Rabu Abraim says why would they call the grandfather father and the father nothing says one of the quotes is that you know that Yakov and Abraham were alive in the same time they were alive uh 15 years together and Yakov learned extensively with Abraham and Abraham loved Yakov of Eno and because he loved him so much he called him Beni Beni Beni. So, Hashem says, "You're you're affectionately speaking to your son, you're the father." But never called Jacobi. Now, once in the do we find calling. Now he was actually talking to Jacob but he thought he was talking to as to beni beni beni beni of nothing says abraham called yakovi abram's the dad's the father did not call him beni he's not the father what do we learn from here says that when you talk to your children you have to speak to them affectionately mamala uh zizkite yingala whatever whatever expression you want to use. You can't tell your kids you love them. Put them on someone else's door doorstep and give them up for adoption. You're not their parent. You've abdicated your role. You can't do you've been not equipped to do the job. You can't express to your child when you talk to them that you love them. Take them, put them in a basket, wrap them up, and put them on someone else's doorstep. You can't do the basic job. You're not equipped. You're not emotionally capable of being the kid's parent. Abraham is called Yakov's father's not called the father. It's interesting by the avenam is telling Abraham, you know, you're just you're just Abraham. You're just Abraham. Now, let's see if you could pass this. But Abraham makes sure every time he talks to Yitzk Beni Beni you know the mafam ask why is this a test for Abraham and not a test fork because if hears from the father the affection that the father has of course he's going to do it for him it's not a test the test is a is hearing from the almighty nothing just his name [snorts] that's a big challenge that's a big test all of this is just food for thought. Here's the here's the most important aspect of the Medish tells us a story of a great kaheen who lived in the times of Ezra. And the Medish says that this Kahane he would wallow in the dust. He would roll on the floor and he would cry and he would pray and he would beseeches that his children grow up to beim says the medish the khain did not leave this world until he went up with Ezra to Israel and he saw many generations of khanim sayslah from here we learn that the central ingredient in raising children is incess You know the says the following words. It should be frequent in the mouth of a father and mother to dav in for their children. You don't just d for them onesh when you get bombarded by emails from every school you ever went to and that yeah of course I daven for my children onesh. That's a good That's a good start. Tid. Tid. You know what tid means? Tid means every day all day long. That means when you're driving carpool, when you're shopping, when you're walking down the street, you're praying for the welfare of your children. And the kadesh identifies three key intervals in ding. When you should have in mind to dab for your children and the schlah says, what should you daven for? That they should be lyra. They should learn to they should be what are the three intervals in when you say in when you say and at the end of when you say there are other intervals that you could focus on whether whether the point is not exactly where you have it in mind. The point is it's not relegated to like a specific day or a specific line in the sid. It's something that a Jew should be doing every day all day long. It is the primary obligation of a parent. You know, it's very interesting. You know, the hak is that if somebody is uh standing on a roof and they accidentally, you know, they throw a a hammer or something like that or a saw and they kill someone bash. So, what do they do? They have to run away to the miklat. And how long does somebody who kills bashik have to stay in the ark? Until the khain god dies. So can you imagine you know you have you have a hundred of these criminals in the in the mikl and they they have a nice shaw. They built a beautiful shaw over there and [clears throat] after ding they give a clap. They say what happened? Who's sick? No, no, no, no. The problem is that not that someone is sick. The problem is that someone is not sick. We're who are you dabbing for? Say that name is you know you know fal haken. What happened to him? What you didn't hear? Nothing happened to him yet. We've been domining. We've been crying. You know they want the kangado to die. So the garra asks what did the poor kaying do wrong that people have to run away into the into the ar miklot until the kaying dies. Says the garra because the kangadal is at fault he should have davened that in in under his reign nobody killed bashai. So ask for since when is it the job description of a every day nobody should kill so long as I'm it says that in you ever see could you show me on what does it say the job of a is that no one should throw axes by accident to bring carbon he has to do that mdash it's his weird does it say it's his responsibility that nobody kills says from here we see that if you're in a position of leadership, your position of authority, you're a teacher, you're a Rebi, you're a RV, you're a parent, there are people that you're responsible for. Your primary job is to dav in for the people you're responsible for. You don't need a garra. You don't need a dikra. Obviously, if you're a leader, you need to dive in for the people you're leading. And if you're a parent, you need to dav for your children. when I was uh in yeshiva with Josh in yeshiva. This goes back 28 years ago. I had the to meet a certain saddic who is the the last or one of the last surviving students of I actually met him on a different occasion [snorts] [clears throat] and I once read an interview there's a safer like a six volume set mayor is biography on and they interviewed and they asked him the following question he says you know Rebi he he wasn't a darda there were hundreds there were thousands of so like what was it about that he was a cut above and said four things one of them was the tears of his mother his mother's tears the would always show people the tear drenched to him of his mother and would say that I am who I am from this taleim. My mother used to cry bitter tears that I should be shayim. And you know where she learned it from? When she was a young girl and she was a kala. Her mother came over to her and her mother said to her, you know, it's the minog Jewish women that we dab for our children. So whenever you have a a moment, maybe you're you're stirring the pot of potatoes, you're stirring the lentils, you're cleaning the house, don't forget to davenin for your children and make sure you accompany it with tears. Says the brisker of never in my life did I offer a dryeyed. Every prayed I cried tears that my children should go on the straight on the narrow as is well known that in the early days of the state of Israel there were many many Israel that lost children to different movements but the briskar had all his sons sitting around the table and people used to come to him no what's the technique what parenting class did you go to what do you follow and the briskar said there are no parenting courses. There's Tahillim and tears. The Briskov says, you know, you know why children have so much trauma today? It's cuz when their parents rock them to sleep, they sing them in nain lullabibis about children climbing up hills and rolling down and becoming decapitated on the way down. And people wonder why children have so much anxiety because all they hear about is Jack and Jill breaking their heads open from the time that they're young. That's just my own rabbitic addition. He didn't actually say it quite like that. But he says ch parents sing to their children nursery rhymes. When I rock my children to sleep, it's with that they should be to grow. I'll tell you two stories. Somebody once came to the stipler says stipler a parents came to the said could you give us some in raising children you know is there a sigoula is there anah is there a braha the stipler says give me a break there no skull there no there no brah all there is is tom and tears you see my little boy you see my boy here the stipler says every day I d in that should be shayim was ready 52 years old one of the GDhadar and then I saw a story in the Yatman so obviously it's true it says that when the stipler was 84 years old and Raim was 58 would learn with the stipler every day after Mina and one day The st theim came over to the stipler and he said, "You know, today I'm not going to be able to learn with you because there's a and a that I was and I need to go to their wedding to be." So, you know, if it's okay, I'm going to go to the I'm going to go to the wedding during our slot. So they dive in Mka and then the just wants to say goodbye after Mina and he sees the stipler is sitting there. He's crying his heart out. He's de like oceans of tears. So after mka before leaves he says tata what happened? What's the is somebody ill? says a stipler you don't understand from the time you're a little boy I've been dabbing that you should become a and now what's happening to you without getting into the details of that particular story it's to illustrate you know whereim came from where you think came you can imagine from from oceans of tears of a sadic of a father like the stipler. But that's an important important uh aspect. I remember my grandfather who was a Holocaust survivor. He passed away a couple years ago at 106 years old. He [snorts] would talk about his mother who was at Sadikas and he said over one time he was very ill but he remembers his mother sitting over him and she was y de mo and the tears went on him and he had a rafua but you can imagine those tears were made for him for a very long time and I'm pretty sure that they continue to be made for our family for many generations and that's our responsibility uh as parents. Certainly when children see the investment we make in them especially in the area of aside from the the spiritual effect it has on them they'll see how important they are to us and we're to the we hope and pray for thank you very