Parshas Toldos: The Ten Commandments of Raising Children - Set 2

this tour class is brought to you by torahanytime.com I remember three years ago uh parishes told us a few days before Wednesday night I Was preparing this big shirt called The Ten Commandments of raising children and the reason why three years ago I Was preparing that chair it's because um my wife was due and I knew I had to really prepare early because uh you know you never know I might lose my Tuesday Tuesday is the most important day of the week for me I prepare the Wednesday night cheer and sure enough um I had just about finish this year and my wife's like okay I think we gotta go I said one second give me a couple more minutes so you could ask her I just got to finish preparing the sheer this was the round one and I said uh okay I came home after the show was complete we went to the hospital was born three years ago today wow yeah thank you and yeah yeah and um so that was what we called the Ten Commandments of raising children part one but the whole concept of having a sheer about ten commandments really I got from somebody who I learned a great deal from Victor Miller who had his famous sheer called The Ten Commandments of marriage I don't know if the oil I'm here yes I'm here a year but the oil is not ready to hear that one yet but the concept of breaking something down into Ten Commandments I learned from him okay how do you have the right to say ten commands only the Revenge that makes ten commands but we see we have already uh we have a paradigm we have um we have the concept already so we know by the look like so even if you have Ten Commandments you could always have a second set so this has nothing to do with the first 10. I do recommend if anyone has an opportunity to check out on tour anytime the uh first ten commandments of raising children and these are going to be um another Ten Commandments these ten are ideas that I picked that are not my own ideas these are not uh ideas that I invented and these are not typical Concepts and typical ideas I try to pick 10 Concepts that are maybe a little bit what we call out of the box a little bit Innovative maybe ideas we would not necessarily think of but are based in authentic sources okay so with that introduction let us begin we begin with some Eerie the Miri wrote A Commentary to perki others like you're right he wrote for the rest of Shahs it's called basehavakira and the miyuri talks about in his the chain of Messiah going from you know all the way till his time and he talks about an individual by the name of Goin or also called he is the author of The Shelter the shelters of course is something like a halachik midrasha commentary to the hamesh then it SIV wrote A Commentary to the shelters called emek Sheila and the Miri says about this this pay Rush this work called shelters that it includes most of the hello and it's a it's a hibor he says that is Roy to rely on it in bereavedovarov in most of his words in other words this is a very authoritative authentic set called the Shelties okay and the ravagoi passed away in the year 4512. but then the Miri is not finished with uh explaining to us what what is the Shelties you have to understand the shotos was revolutionary because up until his time the those we shine them or goinim who wrote halachik works wrote it in groups of halafah so what they would write are they wrote it was all grouped in order of various like the Tor like the ramam the show toys was a Trailblazer in what way was it a Trailblazer he was the first to ride hawaka based on the parashah of the week in other words until then you know you don't mix when you learn hummus you learn promise when you learn but to write on the parasy eyes that was like Innovative that was something that nobody ever did before after the shotus came along it became standard like and many other works of reshinam wrote halachas on the parshyas but the shotos invented this this system and the question is why you know he basically broke the protocol he broke the tradition so let me rewrite a a Dover nifla look at number two we have a clear tradition he had a son the kid had no interest in learning now it doesn't say he didn't really like to learn or learning wasn't his thing so much he had absolutely no interest in learning so the father stuck what's the father gonna do so he decided to sort of revolutionize the learning process instead of teaching halacha presenting halacha in the order of different groups of Allah he presented on the parties of the week why for his kid I nobody ever did that before and it was unheard of and it was sort of a breaching protocol that's you got to do what you got to do in other words when it comes to kind of you got to do what works even if it's unconventional even if it's out of the box even if nobody ever did it before if your kid needs to stand on his head while he learns so put the kid on his head and let him learn that way the kid needs to jump up and down while he learns whatever it takes no kid ever did that before no Yeshiva ever did it before well your kid is gonna do it and this class that's what's gonna be done if we in other words the first principle in raising children is you got to do what works for the kid even if it was never done and people are going to look at you like you're off your off the wall you gotta do what works this is the study that we learned from them Eerie so you study that we learned from he basically revolutionized the learning process you know they say now some kids learn visually so if your kid needs a picture of everything you get you make sure he has a picture and if a kid needs uh um integrates information through his ear or through audio uh through his uh hearing then that's how you need it to have it presented to him so that is commandment number one do what works okay that sounds simple enough okay the number two commandment number two the second ingredient in raising successful children and this is a very frightening idea this is an idea that you need to be a god of Israel to derive it because in the upbringing of yankov we do not find that and Rifka are criticized in the way they brought up their children or at least at first glance we don't find Rashi or the gemara criticizing Yitzhak and Rifka for bringing up their children and you gotta Wonder here you have two kids it's not like uh Yitzhak and Ishmael who had different mothers you know yusuk had uh Sarah and Ishmael has Hagar you have two kids they have the same father they're the same mother they went to the same Yeshiva and one kid is you know his face is on the kise and the other kid is one of the biggest rasham of all time so the question is how did that happen so most of us would say oh this is a classic case of not nurture but nature right they you know there's always the the age-old question is it nature or nurture so if I would stop a thousand Jews on the street corner they would all say this is a case of Nature and that nurture yaakov had good Tendencies and Ace of had bad Tendencies wrong wrong this is 100 nurture and not nature how's that so here here we have possibly the most famous comment of Champions and we're going to read it in the English even though I'm sure you know he didn't write it not in the new Hebrew that came out and not in the English either it was written in his native German but if shamshin followers has a rather novel and perhaps nowadays um controversial understanding of the difference between helyakov and Ace of turned out the plastic says look at number three the kids grew up yourself was a man who knew how to trap ish saw the man of the field biakovich tum and yaakov was a wholesome man yoshima one who sat in the tents meaning Asaf was a hunter and yaakov sat on the base of mattress sounds like this fundamental difference in their activities and personalities was not clear until they grew up as long as they were young it wasn't clear that they had these inclinations and these Tendencies look at Rashi I'm going to read tirashi the way we all read Rashi and then you'll see with shantin followers has a completely different way to read Rashi says foreign when they were young their actions were not recognizable in other words when they were five years old or eight years old they both went to uh Yeshiva together and by recess they both did the same thing it's not like when one was eight years old by recess ASA was like shooting bows and arrows at you know animals that were passing by and yaakov sat in the corner in the gym with his little mishnais when they were eight years old they were doing the exact same thing nobody was careful with them what their Natures were Kevin when they became 13 Russia is this one separated to his shul in other words yakovino went to the base this is so the simple reading of Rashi is that when they were young nobody realized or recognized any difference it was not apparent it was not noticeable and then when they grew up all of a sudden yaakov was seen as the great talmouth was seen as a hunter fall Hirsch season this Rashi the criticism and the critique of yakoi of yusuke and Rifka in the way they brought up yakovanisha and that is not that it wasn't recognizable when they were young because you couldn't tell but rather their parents did not put enough emphasis and effort to try to recognize the slumbering differences that exist in their personality in other words been more attuned to their children and you have to know we are not allowed to find criticism with others even for someone like Hirsch it's considered somewhat um it sort of raises your eyebrows how is he allowed to do such a thing other than the fact this is how he's reading Rashi in other words it's considered in a pro when you hear let's say um a scholar will analyze the others and then attribute his own deficiency to the others we consider that happy Christmas we're not what we're not entitled to do such a thing but here you have a god of Israel and it's he's not offering his own um conjecture here here's he's reading Rashi and the way he understands Rashi is like this and that is everybody knows the famous rule you have to train a kid according to his nature says that means like this that means when a kid is two three four five six years old and this is not really done a parent needs to be attuned with a microscope what are the Tendencies of my kid what are what is the nature of my kid what are his abilities what is he inclined to do yeah should have seen that ASA was a very colorful personality he was a go-getter he was someone who's interested in the in the experiences of life he was somebody who was out there in the world somebody he wanted to see what's going on in the world but the problem was you know what they did they sent both boys to the same Yeshiva and how often are we guilty of saying well you know my oldest one to the Yeshiva so obviously I'm going to send my second kid because first of all it's cheaper second of all just more convenient I know the robbery already I know how to work the system I know how to deal with the administrator so I'm just going to send my kids through the same I went there and my father went there and basically says to do what you did to kid a with kid V is Criminal you're gonna destroy them you can't treat every kid the same way the problem with again I would never say such a thing this is is interpreting Rashi is that they didn't recognize that you can put Ace of in the same classroom that you put yaakov in yeah yaakov went to the eight track yaakov went to the sheer that goes two hours straight without a break yaakov went to the sheer where they tell them you have to sit and learn your whole life there is no way itself was becoming a RAV or Russia Shiva a rebbe as of needed to be out in the world in the world of Commerce Ace of needed to be out in the whether it's the business world or he needed to travel or he needed to be a merchant or he needed to be a judge or he needed to be a he needed to be something that yaakov would never be but they were not able to detect what representative calls the slumbering differences in personality and they basically said look they both come from from yitzlak they both come from Rifka they're identical twins they probably have the same personality so if yaakov went to Rabbi Friedman and Rabbi theftricorn and Rabbi you know Rabbi title bam so then we're gonna put Ace of in the exact same class and if yaakov is going to sit and learn for indefinitely then Ace of needs to also says if they destroyed ASAP because a kid who doesn't have the inclination and doesn't have the talent and ability to become then all he's thinking every moment every waking moment is that for me Judaism has no relevance because Judaism is relevant if you're going to be a scholar and you're going to meditate and you're going to involve the intellect but I'm not such an intellectual guy I'm a man of action I'm a man of activity I'm a man of creativity this is not my Realm and they basically um gave Ace of the message that Judaism and the tradition of abramovino is relevant if you're able to be in avraham avina or yitza kavino and sit in your tent all day and if you're not able to sit in the tent all day then this is not something that will resonate with you and ASA was sitting there in the classroom thinking to himself I can't wait to get out of the system and throw it all away but had they recognized that ASA was not going to be what yaakov was they would have nurtured him and harnessed his energies to be maybe a world leader or a world uh um Emperor World um you need soldiers no the Roshan follow her says that yaakov's vision of kalistral was not to have 12 people named Levy sitting around his deathbed when he said Shema 12 people who settled all day in the basement jacovino's Vision was there's going to be yahudah who's going to be a king and a minister and there's going to be a zebulance there's going to be a sea Merchant and there's going to be an Oscar who's going to be a baker and there's going to be uh Reuben and Simon who are going to be Scholars and there's going to be various tribes that can be done who's going to be a warrior and God who's gonna be a soldier and that was yaakov's Vision in other words says Hirsch Judaism is very easy there's one goal the goal is to sanctify the name of Hashem many ways to get there and says somebody who spends their time working out in the world in an honest way in a courteous way and sanctifies the name of them is no less than somebody who spends their time all day in the basement studying Torah they are all loyal soldiers in the collective nation of Kalisa and what area should a person try to sanctify sham's name in the area that he has inclination on the area that he has ability and ASAP did not have any inclination to spend all day in the basement nor did he have that ability Cesar Chandra Paul hearse now yes this is not the uh approach of uh today's Yeshiva system and there might be reasons for that and I'm not here to challenge the current system I'll leave that for people much greater than myself but the concept is that you can't make a kid what they're not and if you try to do that you're going to destroy them and yaakov and uh what you think Rifka did to Asaf and again it obviously was in a very subtle way and we have to say to ourselves if they didn't detect Ace of slumbering proclivities and inclinations then if we were there we certainly would not have but on some minute level according to obstruction Full House they're held accountable for what we call wholesale yeah send them all through the same track send them all to the same camp have they should all have the same teachers no why why should they all have the same teachers send them to different schools send them to different camps if that's what they need if it's working there's nothing wrong if they go to the same achievement there's nothing wrong if they have the same round bam as long as that's what's good for the individual child and that is rule number two rule number two is a parent really has to be very observant and watch very carefully and be very attuned to an individual child's personality inclination proclivity ability Talent and try to harness and channel the particular needs of the child in a direction that they could be successful in life and it might not be a direction that you would want for yourself or you would want for them but it doesn't matter really and we'll see about that it's what's good for a child something okay well Sarah threw you smell out of the house yeah yeah okay so that's rule number two clearly even before they were born that they're two separate Nations yeah so yeah there are many perusiness they they had it yes Ghazal are saying that they had inborn inclinations from time that they were young but has but the Posse says that it wasn't recognizable until they turned 13 years old in other words even though in utero already there were some tendencies that each one displayed but to the human eye that was not recognizable until they turned 13 years off okay so that's rule number two that is the rule of Representative now he does say that yes a legitimate path of service of Hashem is to be a zivulan to serve Hashem as a merchant in a legitimate path of Abuelita and to be a Don and to be a Yo and their various trades and their various professions and they're all kulam Columbus however we must say that whatever trade you are whether you're a doctor or a lawyer an accountant or a plumber or an electrician learning Tyra has to be a significant part of every Jew's day no question learning terror is not only for rabbis to receive it every single job no matter what you do for a living needs to devote significant time to learning but that doesn't mean that they need to spend their entire day learning that's not for everybody it's interesting you know I got to get the trip in right I'm entitled to mention at least one time right so uh we were in Morocco and I didn't basically I had to speak about the babasali and uh I didn't know so much about him and I I did some research on the Baba Sally's ancestor the abhiriakov biryakov one of the early abujaseras so nabir Yakov has a beautiful uh vartira we are two two Merchants came to Liberia they said you know Rabbi give us a brother we should we should uh make a good living we should make a ample living so he said uh what do you need my brother it says so they said well of course we Davin shakers we dive in Mara we go to show early we stay late so he said no means to learn so he said come on Rabbi learning is for isaka learning is for Levy but where's the volans we're merchants learning's not for us says no you're making a mistake more than anybody else the zavulons have to learn because it says even though they're out doing business making deals but they always have to be by the edge of the yam by the edge of the sea the yamsayama talmud so there's the valons of the world have even perhaps a greater obligation to be involved in learning yes but again the to be all solely involved in spending time for learning that's not necessarily everybody's album okay so that is rule number two rule number two is a parent really needs to be attuned to the what we call the slumbering inclinations every kid you could have a five-year-old kid ah you know Hashem I have a bunch of boys you know one of them you threw them a bull from the time they're two years old they'll jump up and make a catch and another one you could throw the ball now and you know ball is not for them that's that's the way it is every kid is different so I have a lot of good stories but I'm going to spare them okay that is rule number two three this is a very uh important Rule and it's something that everybody needs to work on the plastic says loved ASAP because his trappings were in his mouth in other words he hunted foreign Hirsch the Torah is identifying something that had a very poisonous effect on the upbringing of Jacob and that is there were favorites one was daddy's favorite and one was mommy's favorite and you cannot have favorites in the family it's harmful to the one who is not the favorite and it's more harmful to the one that is the favorite says of Sean should fall harsh now it's interesting scissors as well Hearst and this is like a brilliant thought he said we could explain very rationally why ASA was a favorite of Yitzhak and yaakov his favorite of Rifka why is that you think Yitzhak was always somebody who sat in his tent and never went anywhere and just focused on avoida says very reasonably when he sat there on that altar on the akeda and he saw his father about to slaughter him and he saw how fleeting life was and how quick he could easily be in the next World at that point in time he sort of confined himself and to he withdrew from the hustle bustle of the world to live in quiet proximity and to live in meditation it was the Arcada that sort of bound up yitzhak's Tendencies to be someone who was always foreign however he may have had a lot of ability and inclination to be out and when he sees his son esav who has all that energy and all that interest and all of the talent to be someone successful in the realm of the of the world he was drawn to that he figured maybe he could he could train Asaf to be what he never was okay this is a you know very Innovative thinking as opposed to Rifka think about where Rifka grew up she grew up with a bunch of crooks a bunch of deceitful businessmen she grew up out in the world dreaming of you know the perfect child that she would have who would sit in the basement to be you know that's sad that you said and then she has a little yakoval you know a little Sadiq yaakov was her favorite but whatever the reason is a parents cannot let preference affect the way they act to their children yeah I like this one this one is so cute so adorable so Charming so humorous so you know everybody has a different nature there are no two people right you can have two people and twin brothers and one of them will hate somebody and then the other one will love the same person there's no everybody has preferences and everybody has certain reasons why they just take a liking or disliking to other people even their own children it's almost natural in any family that a father has a certain kid who you know he has a certain uh inclination to love more than a mother also whatever it is you know that that's mere conjecture why it was that loved Asaf and why Rifka loved Yakov but nevertheless says if the parents deal allowed their personal preference and their personal feelings and a personal likes and dislikes to affect the way they act to their children no the child the way representative writes the attitude of parents toward their children should not be influenced by personal likes or dislikes it should be guided solely by a clear intelligent sense of Parental responsibility it's in a way it's a very stoic approach but it's important in other words you have to withdraw yourself and stop yourself from your feelings from your personal feel oh I like this one I don't like that no cut it out stop it grow up and you have to be objective you are the parent and that really leads us to the fourth Commandment and this is a very difficult challenge this is something I think that every parent faces where you allow your preferences oh I like this one this one is more like me right every parent has you know children have a little bit of their father a little bit of their mother and sometimes you see oh this one's going to be like me and you have to stop yourself no it's not about you it's not about what you like or what you dislike it's about doing what's good for the child and you have to sort of stop yourself from personal feelings that is rule number three and this brings us um to commandment number four so you take your kid to shul and your kid's not behaving the way you would like right it doesn't I know it never happened but let's imagine theoretically if that happened so what's your gut react what's your first reaction oh people are gonna think that I'm not a good parent or people are going to think I don't know how to control my kids usually your first reaction is what people are gonna say about you but that's really wrong because what does it have to do with you it's not about you it's about what the right thing to do is what's the right thing to do for your child can the child sit If the child can't sit then send them home tell him you know he could go home now don't make him sit and the child in other words I think we are all guilty of viewing children a certain way and we have to sort of change it and that is most people view their children as a possession it's something that they own something that reflects upon them it's like their suit you don't want to wear an ugly suit because people are going to think you have bad taste and you're a bad dresser so the same way people drive a certain car or wear a certain suit or look a certain way because of the way they feel it reflects upon them most people treat their children as their possessions right you want your house to look a certain way because it reflects upon you so you want your children to act a certain way because it reflects upon you after all their mind no forget that that's not the thoughts that you should have that's not the attitude should have the attitude you should have is they're my responsibility to care for in the way which is best for them but we are all guilty of viewing children as a Kenyan as a possession for Hirsch has really an awesome idea you know we have Cayenne in heaven first two kids in history and cayenne becomes a murderer and have all becomes a great of Asha and we don't find any information given in the hummus about why Cayenne acted in such a terrible way and such a in such a vicious way like what did Adam and khaba do how did they spoil him says who was in The Name They gave Cayenne what's cayenne's name is Hashem I acquired a kid I own a kid and when you view a child as something you own and something that rep oh I better dress my kids well because I want people to think that I dress my kids well why do we always think about what other people are going to say about our kids because we view children as and when you view children as things that you own then they start to view themselves as entitled as people who if they see other people have things that they don't have they look at that with Envy they look at that selfishly that if somebody has something that they don't have it's like they took it away from them instead says let's read instead of considering him as a supreme blessing that should make her aware of the awesome responsibilities of motherhood she sees him only as a symbol of her personal prowess in other words children are not something we own something we have something that reflect upon us a child is a job that God gave you a job to do what is best for this soul finished nothing to do with you don't own the kid he's not yours he's not a Kenyan that's where Cayenne was spoiled when her mother said you know who you are you're my kitten I own you I own you says when the child feels that all they are is somebody who sort of fits the parents concept of something that could represent them then the child begins to feel entitled and you can have a Cayenne who murders his own brother that is what we call commandment number four to understand and to appreciate and to view the fact that a child is a responsibility and not a Kenyan okay let us move on too commandment number five this is very important this is critical a no is a no and a yes is a yes meaning you come home and you're tired and you're starving and you're cranky and the kid says could I and you're really not in the mood of saying yes but for no good reason you got to be very careful because if you say no because you're in a bad mood then the kid starts to learn that no is Whimsical no is dependent on your feeling so then next week when you say to the kid I don't want to ever see you touch a cigarette he's oh you know he doesn't really mean maybe he's just in a bad mood or maybe I don't know he just doesn't like me you better be very careful when you say no never say no because you're in a bad mood think carefully before you issue a Prohibition to your child you have to realize if you're going to say no to something that doesn't really have a good reason for you to say no I just don't want him to do it then you've lowered what no means in his eyes because if he says why in the world is my father not letting me do this so the next time you tell him I don't want you ever to do B the kid said well he doesn't want to do a and it makes a makes absolutely no sense so be also it's not so severe an asylum but when the kid says you know um I want to do hey it's okay nothing wrong with a then when you say don't be a kid knows that a no is a no and then very important so you tell the kid don't do this no please and he starts whining and fetching and pulling on your arm and pulling on your leg and throwing a temper tantrum don't ever ever ever ever ever give in once you decide a no is a no if you give in and you say yes he'll never listen to you again because next time you tell him I don't want to ever see you touching a cigarette he knows you don't really mean it because if he just asks enough or he begs you enough or he bothers you enough then he'll get you to say yes so basically you have to understand and you have to make him understand that when you tell him no that means it doesn't matter what you could stand on your head you could lock yourself in the room and you're not going to eat a meal for three days I'm never gonna let you do this but you have to watch out before you say no if there's no good reason to say no you make sure you always say yes make very strong guidelines what a no is and what a yes is and if you decide something is yes you're not going to change and if you decide something is no you're also not going to change this way when you offer that admonition the kid will understand that you mean business okay so that is rule number five okay rule number six is really where this year started I heard this concept it's a unbelievable idea it's a really uh New Age idea and this is an idea that is uh brought out by the mccover of novich Marvel Orion so let's go to the acada look at number 13. yes look turns to avram and he says Tata what's going on says behold here I am the lamb where's the Sheep there's one word in this pasta that will change your life forever yitzrook says to his father Tati what does avraham say back himeny behold here I am does anybody know what the word hinene means what does he nanny mean when the reborn Islam comes to avraham and he says take you to do the Arcada what did avraham say avraham said he Nami is Dr Rashi what does he Nani mean this is how righteous people respond a language of humility in other words some summoned Abram and Abram said behold here I am I'm ready to do your bidding it's self-effacing it's humbling it's lowering oneself hinene that's the word that avraham avinu says to the master of the universe so why in the world when the little yitzclock comes to his father and he says Tati why would his father why would avraham say to Yitzhak he Nami behold here I am I am lowly I am humble I am ready to do your bidding that's what you tell God that's what you tell a king that's not what you tell your kid doesn't your kid have to respect you don't doesn't your kid have to honor you doesn't your kid have to Humble himself in front of you why is avraham telling Yitzhak hinene we see from here you saw it awesome that one has to speak to their children not only not harshly not only not strongly you have to speak to your kid bederic Anova in the humble way like the Rebellion would talk to avrahama like avravino talk to you about himself I spend my time being isek in tamidim in bahram who have forsaken Judaism and gone off the dark and in 99 of the cases it's because the parents did not speak to the kids the parents disparage the kid put down the kid he's stupid you're good for nothing what's wrong with you have any brains in your head and the kids of my parents disgrace me then forget the whole thing says Rev gamliel listen carefully what we expect of kids today is nothing short of okay that's it you tell a kid we want you to go to Yeshiva we want you to learn we want you to work we want you to stay away from taivas Island we want you not to partake of all the dirt on the street the the seduction of the street the seduction of the outside world is so powerful and you're asking a poor little kid to give it up says that is a more difficulty sign than the akeda and if avraham avinu in order to get Yitzhak to do the akedah had to speak to him with such humility and such covet like avram spoke to Ivan Islam then you can't speak to a kid any less in other words you need to speak to a kid in a way like they're a king so you say come on that's a hacky that's crazy his mother told him that if the Tyro was written today it would not say in the table it would say that a parent has to be careful nowadays in the way they speak to a child doesn't mean you don't tell them what to do but it's something that we all have to work on you know pull it down a tone take off the edge take off any anger make it make it think about the way the avram avinu responded to rebound someone presented him with and try talking to your kid that way we'll probably have better results if you speak to a kid in that type of respectful way again this is not my this is not my idea this is what we learned from Russia College this is how avraham avino spoke to you it's like says there's no wonder avraham was able to produce a Sadiq like Yitzhak the way he spoke to him the covet he gave him the honor he gave him the Univision that's where Utah came from from a father like avrah Molina commandment number seven this is the next week's parashah yakovino had the dream and the malach was sitting out the Revolution was on top of the ladder wait a second who's Hashem talking to he's talking to yaakov and he's saying I'm the god of avraham your father avram wasn't his father avram was his grandfather and I'm the god of yetzok was the father should say avraham why is the grandfather and not by the father foreign avraham used to say my entire is in shefala mamala sweetheart jacoville yankaler yeah would speak to him and call him an endearing name and he would say to yaakov my son the knee the knee beneath the knee and if you talk to a kid in that way you're the kid's father but if you look through the hummus yitzclock never called yaakov beneath he just said hey hey Reuben Shimon Levy Yehuda but he did call ASAP bini kamad every single time YouTube has interaction with ASAP look at number 19. by the way look carefully the way avraham spoke to Yitzhak is the way Yitzhak spoke to asaph look what says to ASAP look at number 19 yes you know how many times let's take a look at this that way if you just call your kid by their name you are not their father God give you the kid and you've abdicated your job as father you're not their father unless every time you call them you say my son shefala mama loves this kite otherwise you're not their father so avraham was the father of yaakovino because he when he spoke to him spoke to him the way a father should speak to a child doesn't call you took his father so try that next time try that remember that when you speak to your kid it's dripping with Ava every single time that's sometimes not a couple times every single time otherwise you know although you're not their parents okay number eight commandment number eight get ready for this one daddy you know everyone in my class has the latest model no you can't have it why not what do you need it for that's all kids do not need things they don't eat things it's not good for them kids do not need to have things they need a bed and they need food okay you're not going to get away now with not with that without giving them anything in general do you want to know is it good for kids to have things the answer is no kids don't need stuff yeah they need they need to play they need to have toys they need to keep themselves busy we're just giving a generality your house should be open wide he basically and the poor should be members of your house says it says you're it's saying the same thing twice your house should be open wide and the poor should be members of your household you know if our states that we understand if your doors are open wide then that nehem are going to come in no so they're going to think two different things first of all is your door should be open wide so that all the animal could come in and don't worry you're not gonna have enough money you won't lose money you're doing some will pay you back you know what it means you should have a name in your house you know who the animal are your children they shouldn't have things what do they need to have things for they'll be better off physically spiritually without giving them excess says with Jacob zoice this is good advice for their soul be stingyukum do not give them too many luxuries make believe you're poor if you want to know how to apply this ask somebody bigger than me but that's a general rule it's a concept concept is that a lot of times I think parents think oh I you know I would like to give my kid everything no why do you feel that way why do you feel that way why do you have to give your kid everything you need to take care of your children they need to be clean well fed give them a lot of love let them play but why do they have to have a lot of things again this is something that requires a lot of Seiko and obviously the parameters are dependent on how quality has number nine so you ever have sometimes a kid they get into a stubborn mood right and there is nothing that you could do the louder you say yes and the more adamant the way you say yes and the more forceful you are the more they say no you know that's just the way that's the way it is in the in the physical world even the law of physics the stronger Force you exert on an object that is the force that that object exerts back on you that is the way it works in the physical world and laws of physics that's the way it World it works in rockinius in other words the more the you tell the Yates I'm not going to think about it the more Esther is going to make you think of it you you can't fight head on so here you have the kid you say go to sleep now lots of luck right we want to say hey so you tell them you want to stay up no problem you want to stay up another two minutes yeah yeah and then they go to sleep you have to like give in you can't but the the concept of number nine is what we call joint responsibility this is uh Volvo one of the leading Bali monster of Our Generation when I was an artist I had as close to hear him speak a number of times boba in one of his in his classic safers he says like this so you have a newborn baby and you know the the kid who is the youngest until then is very jealous you know you're mommy's not paying attention to him or her anymore and he's not he's not the focus of everybody's attention so he starts to feel jealous and he's gonna lash out at the baby so the Itza is you want to make the kid your partner instead of the kid feeling that they've been rejected you want the kid to feel that they've been promoted and this by the way is in the first set of the Ten Commandments where we find in parashants that it says yakovino gathered his brothers to gather the stone so Ashley isn't that his brothers or his kids says Rashi yaakov avinu treated his kids like like his brother so what do you do to the kid you tell your two-year-old oh you tell your three we have a new baby in the house you're gonna be mommy's helper so you know what you're gonna do you're gonna bring the pacifier you're gonna help Rock the baby so now the kid feels they haven't been rejected they've been promoted to a new status now they're not sibling anymore now they're like a brother or sister or a third parent you know I remember one time one time only I can remember just joking one of the kids were acting up so I think my wife said okay you're gonna go set the table now and all of a sudden like he had this turnaround like now he's not the bad guy now he's he's he's the helper now obviously it doesn't always work but sometimes if you give a kid a position of responsibility even something you're not even sure that they could do you know something that they may not be even ready for give them something maybe that's a little bit beyond them so the thing that they're going to feel proud of then they feel a joint responsibility they feel that instead of being looked down upon they've been promoted to uh position of responsibility in the family is that something that gives the kid and instills in them it enables them in their in their image of themselves in the family the last the 10th of the tenth commandment is possibly and in all likelihood the most important of all of them and that is a parent has the Davin constantly incessantly every day every hour non-stop that he should have the wisdom and he should have the Shema to bring up his children properly why do you have to do that where do we learn this from this is a tremendously site everybody knows that if somebody kills somebody besheig the person has to run away to the City of Refuge to the Arie mcleft and how long do they have to stay there until Declan godo dies so the question is like what are the kind God they'll do wrong that they have to stay there until he does so it's like an old Davin that he should die somehow it's the clean goddess fought that somebody killed the shagging so the gemara says that a coin god though it is should should have dabbined that this didn't happen well he should have died in that somebody doesn't kill bashoyage yeah because if you're a leader and you're responsible for others you need to dive in for everybody who is under your wing meaning could ask does the Torah say that is required to dive in for every Jew it doesn't say that do we find in the avoida of Mustafa that they can't go there goes into he dabbans that nobody should make any mistakes we don't find that but it's sort of implicit if you're a leader you need to dive in for everyone you're responsible for you need to Diamond that they should have money they should have paranosa they should be healthy the job of the crying Google is to dive in for every single Jew and if kills me showing it's the Korean godo's fault we see from here if you're a rebby in a classroom it is your absolute Aquarius to Daven that every kid in the class be successful in their studies be healthy if you're a rub in a shul it is your absolute obligation to Diamond for every member of the show that they should be successful they should be happy they should have money they shall notice on their children and has come of a come if you're a parent or a grandparent it is your absolute responsibility and fear of an acryas to Davin incessantly for the success of your children that is your main tafka that's your main job when all day long when you're driving in your car and you're walking down the street and you're dropping them off that's yours how should you say it you should make up your own muscle here on the sheet we have a note of that road for parents to say but it's not something that needs to be um could legislate it it's something that is dependent on the of every particular parent that that it's Our obligation and our in our our responsibility to in order to ensure the welfare of our children that we dive in that the belusham should give us the siata to do our job right so let's wrap it up let's review The Ten Commandments number one you do whatever it takes it could be unconventional out of the box whatever is needed for that particular child number two you have to be a tune you have to be aware of the inclinations proclivities of every child even if it seems slumbering even if it seems minute you have to be aware of it and try to harness it and try to try to bring it along we mentioned we can't have favoritism you can't allow emotion feeling preference to affect the way you act toward a child number four you have to understand the child is not something that you own something that belongs to you it's a responsibility that's been given to you number five who remembers number five a no is a no and a yes is a yes you have to make sure that when you say yes you mean it the kid understands that when you say no it is absolute number six maybe most important hineni behold here I am an evil humility number seven when you talk to your child the knee thank you number eight what is number eight [Applause] hey what they don't have the area you said it is they don't have to have everything number nine to give them a feeling of joint responsibility and position in the family position of achais and finally that one should always put in effort to dive in on behalf of their children and we hope to see how this one will be macabo all about Feliz which all have tremendous from all of our children have a great evening you've just experienced another Torah class brought to you by torahanytime.com