Keeping Our Children Close in a Chaotic World - ATT Chicago Mayefsky Lecture

on behalf of the associated tomaras and its Affiliated schools I'd like to welcome you to our 37th annual Rabbi Isaac mayki Memorial lecture tonight tonight's lecture gives us an opportunity to improve our parental relationship with our children and at the same time pay tribute to an outstanding educator and Community leader of four decades he served our students as a teacher principal of the Consolidated Hebrew High School school and supervisor he was a Pioneer and advocating for students with learning differences and their need to be in our schools with the proper support he was at the Forefront in starting the which has expanded now into reach and administered it with passion and enthusiasm through abami the child always came first and he wanted to enable every child to attend the Jewish Day School his vision of excellence in teaching had him create courses for teachers which at that time was an Innovative idea the at still follows this belief that teaching is a highly skilled profession and that the best teachers continue to learn and grow even after they are teaching for many years re mayeski was a loving husband father and grandfather had a great deal of nakas and his supportive family that have been actively involved in education and Jewish communal Affairs his lifelong partner Mrs Florence mayavi who sponsored and attended many of these Memorial lectures until her prti 6 years ago Mrs mayki was a wonderful educator in her own right and was a true partner in her husband's accomplishments and Legacy I want to acknowledge the presence of her family her children and grandchilden who have joined here tonight as we learn together leat n for these two great people and thank you tonight's topic is keeping our children close in a chaotic world we are delighted to have Rabbi Daniel gladstein as our presenter Rabbi gladstein is a well-known public speaker author pric researcher Pulpit Rabbi and teacher with a global following his shum are prominently featured on various formats including Toran time.com OU website kber radio and chass illuminated RBI GL has been invited to speak Yesa synagogue schs organizations institutions around the world ER Australia South Africa jalar London you're getting the hint to ready everywhere right United Kingdom and across the United States Rabbi glenstein combines passion and inspiration in his in-depth tar knowledge and insights that he shares through his lectures his sh and classes have been received enthusiastically by audiences around the world and we are grateful that we have him here tonight joining us I would just like to add on your way out if you'll see there's a number of books everybody glass is offered I haven't counted all of them but there seem to be a number of them out there if uh afterwards please take a look at them if you would like for yourself to purchase and without further Ado I'd like to thank you GL and welcome you to come for good evening everyone welcome it's a real honor to be here at this address Rabbi Mrs mayi who is a great Pioneer in the field of Jewish Education for children with special needs and in terms of dealing with our children you know it's interesting to me many think that some of the Innovations in some of the new methodologies some of the new techniques are new and original but we have to understand from time IM Memorial Judaism has always embraced revolutionary methods in you know it's very interesting we go to the and you look where the describes the four children the the Russ the the and uses very unusual [Music] terminology why does it have to say by each one one one one one just say from here we learn Le the fundamental principle in raising children and that is when it comes to each child we have to view every one of our children every child in the classroom he's our only child he's the only child we have to think about we can't get caught up yeah but that's not how we do things no that expression does not work when it comes to Jewish Education that's not how we do things things how do we need to do things for this singular child Story Goes that Razer Gordon great rashash of TS was once showing a a potential donor the various in the Yesa and the donor asks who's this child andaz Gord said he's our only student and then a little while later and who's that child he's our only son student yeah but then who's the one in the corner he's also our only student that is the only attitude that we could have when it comes to you know it's interesting in the times of the there was a man by the name of was the author of The shilas and actually R had a revolutionary method in terms of conveying until all the the they presented by subject matter be it the we know the ra and all the B they organized based on subject and and topic came and he utilized a revolutionary method R was the first to organize based on the par these are theas connected to baras these are theas connected to these are the connected to why would he do something like that why did he deviate from the way that the tried and tested method in in CL comes the and the says had a son the son of was not interested in learning so did say well we don't use PowerPoint and this is not how they did it in Europe no because we don't say that what works for my Ben what works for my only child there's only one boy there's only one girl how do they learn do they learn visually do they learn through hearing do they learn interactive that is the only criteria when it comes to effective Jewish I would like to share with you this evening what I consider a novel approach to how we need to deal with our children interestingly it should not come as a surprise but to many it does come as a surprise the end of his life is about to convey the blessings of Abraham to one of his children and he actually summons asov to fetch him some catch to make him a nice meal a barbecue so that y could enjoy the type of meat that he likes and he would bestow upon asov the blessings and we are all familiar that there are two fundamental ways that a spoke differently to his father than yob did Rashi points out both of them because we know that when yov masqueraded as comes before knew something was off knew something was fishy over here what are the two differences that yob spoke to his father differently than ASA so Rashi says that yobu would usually invoke the name of Hashem yov always said God's name he always said Hashem allowed this to happen and in fact when this unidentified individual stood before and said how' you get here so fast soob said the Lord allowed me to get here quickly the ream helped me so is thrown off what you know ASA doesn't usually mention the name of Hashem there's another difference that yakob spoke to his father yov said the words please get up a of Supplication yob was polite said get up get up so we're all familiar with these two differences in the way yob spoke to his father and the way ASA spoke to his father yob utilized the name of Hashem yob said please asov would never say hashem's name asov would not say please but what I would like to bring to your attention is that actually there's a third discrepancy with which yakob spoke to his father and ASA spoke to his father and in this difference it would almost seem that asub would speak in a more respectful way than yobu and this observation is made by none other than the re of the Adler the says Adler when asov spoke to his father he spoke to his father third person y will the father get up like the way you speak to your Rabbi you know what the rabbi like what the revi like you don't say you you say the rabbi and every Rabbi knows that when somebody comes over and says you know would the you know watch out you don't know what could come next but asub spoke to his father third person yako spoke to his father second person come get up please like you talk to your friend and it all it would almost seem like asov had more respect for his father than yobu but no say Jewish people should speak to their parents in second person Gentiles speak to their parents in third person explains there's a very simple reason for that and that is understanding in the fundamental relationship between parent and child in Judaism when it comes perhaps to the nations of the world there's a certain disconnect perhaps a generation gap perhaps a distance between child and parent and therefore in their eyes the child should speak to their parent in third person not so in Judaism in Judaism there's such a closeness a Corva a love an affection between child and parent that it's highly inappropriate for the Jewish child to refer to a parent and third person says there's such an we have a concept in Judaism that when a child does a mitvah it elevates the soul of the parent that when a child has a the parent continues to be elevated in the world to come there's such a connection between child and parent we say to our fathers and mothers second person not third person let's try to put it in the proper perspective the context in which we will be successful in imparting to our children all the lessons and values that we hold theal dear because I would venture to say if you would take a PLL of learning and even observant ches of what is the primary role of a parent what is the the primary role of a father and a mother what's the job description I think many would say the primary role of a father and mother you're your child's guide instructor teacher you need to be there to tell them what to do and what not to do that is the definition of parenting and I am here to to this evening to share with you that perhaps that is not the definition at all and I am not sharing with you my own opinion I would like to share with you the Jewish ideology of parenting from time and Memorial throughout the generations until today and it may come as a great surprise to you let's start with rashi rashi you would agree was an orthodox Rabbi correct let's go to Saar sa devaram discusses what is considered the most severe sin in the whole Tyra it's called a mesis you know what a mesis is a Seducer someone who persuades another Jew to Ser it's considered the worst in the when it comes to other crimes we may look for a way out we we may look for a way to justify somebody's sin when it comes to the Seducer even if you may know some kind of redeeming quality the person has a way to get him off the case no we don't go there we do whatever we can to find the person guilty so listen to the story if he will persuade you your brother Ben the son of your mother or your daughter your son your daughter or even your wife or your best friend friends the T now discusses a person in your life you know who they are they're called your best friend who is this individual that the tah refers to as your best friend says rash you know who your sole friend in this world is a your father your parent your mother you know who your best friend in this world is your father Rashi is now revolutionizing the concept of Parenthood you know what the definition of a father is your best friend say okay that's one Rashi I don't know if I'm convinced from one Rashi let's try another rash remember this week we're going to be introduced with yadik and yadik is sold by his brothers and he comes down to Egypt and he's wallowing and languishing in a pit and ultimately is propelled and catapulted to the Pinnacle of the world he second command in the whole world and then he reveals himself to his brothers and the brothers are astonished they don't even know what to say and YF says don't worry you didn't send me here God sent me here and you know what my job is he made me's father what Y is paro's father says Rashi you know what a means I'm his friend I'm his supporter says Schwab in this simple comment of rashi rashi is revolutionizing and identifying to us the definition of Parenthood Parenthood is not instruction it's not guidance it's not teaching it's friendship and the best friend that every child has to have is their father and mother and don't you tell me that's not what Judaism believes who do we have greater than Rashi you know why he's called Rashi R he's the rabbi and father of the Jewish people and he tells us what the definition of fatherhood is it's a you know who your best friend is he made me a father to par who what does mean theer was also an orthodox Rabbi he also points out the fundamental difference between the relationship of parent and child in the Jewish world as opposed to the Gentile world says the in the Jewish world there's such closeness we don't refer to a parent in third person and sure the parent has to teach and instruct and guide but in one what context in a context of friendship and if two Rashi won't do it for you I'm going to share with you a third Rashi last week's [Music] para said to his brothers remember Lan is running after him thear is running after him so Yakov finally Lan catches up and they have this meal and yob calls his brothers calls his brothers she's troubled his brothers he doesn't have brothers he only has one brother asov and asov is not listening to yakov's call says rash you know who the the sons of Yakov are his brothers the brothers of Yakov are his children why are they called his brothers because they have a Brotherhood with him says the Great from this simple comment of Rashi we learn that if you want to have peace and Harmony in your house if you want to have you want to have Tranquility in your home [Music] says treated his children not how dare you sit in my seat why are you doing that you should have done this where were you yakob treated his children like his brothers says you don't have to listen to me but if you want to have a tranquil household says don't take my word for it it comes from earlier sources it comes from the the numerical value says of is BN how should you treat your children like brothers not that you're the superior not that you're the authority you te you treat your kids like they would be on par so to speak these are the three comments of Rashi this is the teaching of this is the teaching of the say I don't know you know Rashi lived a long long time ago that's not what I heard and Alim they never said this and I'm not and I'm not of Germanic descent so if you want to say you know this doesn't apply to us in our generation we have to follow you know the socalled Iron Fist did you ever hear the he's also an orthodox Rabbi in the the son of theim says that when he would walk with his father people did not even know we were father and child because my father treated all the children like we were his brothers this is unanimous approach to this is not in any way to abdicate guidance teaching instruction but you need to know in what context does it have to be and I urge you to study the simple comments of Rashi who defines as and I would like to share with you right now now perhaps the most revolutionary angle on this approach that I have ever come across from another simple rash the perhaps the greatest challenge that anybody was ever posed in this world was when AB was told by to bring upia his only son and the comes abam God says Hey Abraham and what did Abraham respond one word you familiar with that word h did you ever hear that word h do you know what the word h means says rash this is how the righteous respond you know what h means a language of humility a language of being prepared the way Abraham spoke to the almighty he whatever you want I'm at your calling fast forward a few later is starting to get suspicious something's going on over here his father is bringing him to hararia why does he need to be there if his father is bringing and slaughtering a sheep and is getting a little uncomfortable father is that you what's going on here and Abraham said he the same language of humility and preparedness that he used when he talked to the the same humility that Abraham spoke to God he's speaking to his son says rovic is one of the leading in the world today he very often is the number one address when there's difficult uh when parents have difficult y with children with teenagers rovic he points out by the way also an orthodox rabi he points out from Rashi we learn that the same humility a person has to have when he talks to the almighty you need to have when you talk to your children digest that who do we learn this from Abraham AO say gel you know why Abraham was successful and producing a sad like because he spoke to him with humility says what we ask our children to do today in 2023 we say young man young lady don't pay attention to the ideal and the values that you see walking down the street that you see on the buses that you see in the world around you you should focus on the ageold values of thees do you understand what we ask a child to do today do you understand the sacrifice we asked them to make we are asking a Jewish child today literally to give up the allore of the streets and the world and sacrifice their life to the ideals of the Tyra says Rael that might be more challenging than the AA and if the only way Abraham was successful in ushering y to this great task was by speaking to him with humility by saying he there's only one way we could be successful with our children today and it's a good thing I didn't bring my kids to this lecture and that is to speak to them with humility and I hope they don't watch the recording now from Gamel takes it further and I'm a little hesitant to say it and I'm going to give a lot of disclaimers because I don't think you could say it and I'm not sure how he said it and it's probably heretical and I don't know know and I know in the new addition of the safe they took it out so but I want you to know what it said in the original Edition and you'll understand probably why they took it out because you can't really say such a thing but the reason probably why it entered the first addition is it was trying to make a certain point so if we shouldn't be say it saying it we never said it but I want you to know what it did say ra gam would say that his mother margala bua would always say that if the Tyra was given today and again we can't even say those words because the t is immutable and it can never change but if we could say such a thing if that wouldn't be heretical then R G's mother said if the T would be given today it would not say honor your father and mother it would say honor your son and daughter and of course it is not given today and it doesn't say that and we can't say such a thing and probably that's why they took it out of the addition but in my addition it said it and I'm sharing it with you and then erase the tape and then you know destroy it or something but you get the drift you get the point CES Gamel I'm telling you from personal experience he says the vast majority of children their challenges in growing up is because the parents don't speak to them respectfully and don't value them I'm just here as an honest reporter sharing with you the ageold values of Parenthood going back from the safler if you have some other approach that you got from har let me know about it this is the way the and have viewed parenting from the day that God gave the Torah on SI 3,300 years ago of course you have to teach your child but in one context will it be successful and I guarantee you one thing if the wrote 250 years ago that you'll only be successful with children if you have friendship with them I guarantee you in which direction it has moved since then that if this was true hundreds of years ago how much how true it is today and anyone who has experience in Jewish Education will bear testimony to this I want to emphasize another Point how do children pick up values from parents you know there's an amazing the original system of education and the Jewish people the original system was that the the firstborn did the Abida right if you were firstborn you did the Abida in the temple and your firstborn son took it over and his and then the system changed and God took away the from the and he gave it to why because the were involved in the Sin of the golden calf but thei says no it was much deeper than that writes thei here's the problem you know what the problem with the original system was if the first born will do the so I happen to be a firstborn but what if your father wasn't a firstborn so if the kid's father wasn't a firstborn we would send him to school and the teacher would say Hey you firstborn let me show you how to do the you she like this you Slaughter like this you catch the blood like this you sprinkle like this and the kid sitting there you know he's taking notes you think you learn by taking notes better than not taking notes but that's not how you inculcate something in your system the best best and really only way to teach a child is to lead by example and the problem with the original system that the did the is that if your father wasn't a firstborn then you never saw it in real life you had to learn in the classroom and you don't really pick up like that values ideals you have to learn it and experience it firsthand you have to learn from a living example I would like to emphasize the fundamental nature of how important is not only for children but really for us our entire life there's a man by the name of Cen remember Cen the first murderer he killed his brother and the medish asks why did he kill his brother how could he do something like that says the medish a wondrous comment shall ha he had no one to learn from how is he supposed to know you're not allowed to kill someone how's he supposed to know there was no convention there were no teachers he didn't know you know how to kill someone that's how he did it what he didn't have someone to learn from the gamaran Sanhedrin says God told Adam Harish and whoever else was there don't kill what do you mean he had no one to learn from God told him not to do it fast trck Ken has a kick do you remember the name of cen's son not only does he name his son he builds a city you know what he names the city why did he name his kid why did he name the city K realized something very important people don't learn from what you tell them people don't learn from classrooms a little bit they do if you have an organization like ATT where the teachers are living embodiments of values then the children can pick it up when teachers become the virtual parents through the dedication of these two wonderful sikim RAB rman and Rabbi Zimmerman and the entire staff where the teachers become like the aim RAB Muller yeah and I didn't meet all of the wonderful uh dedicated volunte uh staff but Hashem should bless all of you Cen realized something very important that if a person does not have practice and training and is not inaugurated into something you could tell them you could write on the Blackboard you could say copy down 150 times people don't learn that way the almighty could come down from heaven and say don't kill and you're looking at it like huh you know what Cen was lacking training see the problem was the gar says a very unusual expression Adam and got married and boom Cen and he are born Cen was born an adult and God told him don't kill huh a person doesn't learn just because you tell them something every human being needs they need to be trained they need practice they need to observe they need living example and therefore Cen realized the essential importance of so he named his son to internalize this lesson says and in order that he never forget this he called the city because the truth is let's put our children aside for a moment even for our own personal growth whatever we're working on we want to we want to grow in our dedication to learning to to kadus you think we're just going to read a saer or go to a sheer and then we're going to be new people we don't change that way we need to train ourselves so if a person let's say you know I have a hard time learning well you think you're just going to go to a and now learn an extra hour a day you need you need to do yourself this week I'm going to learn one more minute and then next week I'm going to learn a second minute and the same way if you're building up endurance for jogging you have to train yourself and build up your muscles the spiritual world is no different whatever a person is challenged in this world in any me person gets angry person has a hard time guarding their eyes it's not 0 to you know 0 to 60 and 3 seconds train yourself that's is not only for little children there's something called is the essential element of growth in this world we train our children because that's their time of development but we're all developing developing we call him n it's a compliment his whole life he viewed himself as a child who needs to be trained throughout the course of his life I would like to conclude by segueing into a very important dimension of raising healthy and successful children so there's a man called the k and this K we give him a very unusual responsibility you know what the responsibility is here's a man he's climbing up a ladder he's holding a bowling ball why he's holding a bowling ball that's beyond the scope of this lecture and he's walking up the ladder and he drops the bowling ball and heaven forbid he kills someone he killed inadvertently what do we do with this guy we send him to a City of Refuge we send him to an AR mclan and we say stay there because the relative of the person who was killed is allowed to kill you unless you run away to what is called the City of Refuge he says for how long do I need to be there we say until the high priest dies until the kadal dies the K says what do you want from my life that this this guy is going to be praying for that I die in the jail I mean why why' you do that to me I what do you want from my life we say hey Mr K you should have DED that nobody drops bowling balls on people he says why should I have DAV that something like that doesn't happen says from here we learn a fundamental lesson in life that anytime you're responsible for someone it is your foremost obligation to pray for them do you know what the primary responsibility of a father and mother is if God gave you children if you have a boy if you have a son if you have a daughter you know what your primary responsibility is to this child before you feed them and give them a bed and give them a room and board your primary responsibility and is to D for them that's the most important job of a father and mother to pray for their children when how often you know the Mets tells us a story there was a priest there was a Kim in B and the medis uses very descriptive language he would be rolling in the dust praying for his children day and night day and night day and night says the medish this man merited to have 10 children all of whom became the high priest from here we see we could go to shim and we could go to lectures and we could go to classes and gain skills of how to raise children and all of these methods are very important but number one on the list is the obligation of a father and mother to pray for their children when the saw the tear drench to H of his mother the was so moved he said you know why I'm a God-fearing Jew today it's because of the tears that my mother offered that I should have y the brisar said never in his life did he offer one dry [Music] eyed not one sh in his life he did not shed tears that his children should be God-fearing Jews the brisar ru said you know people they Rock their kids to sleep singing inane nursery rhymes about a boy and a girl rolling down a hill and becoming decapitated on the way down and people want to know why kids are traumatized by the time they grow up because their earliest memories are about some kid who came rolling down the hill and his head was lagging behind says the brisker ROV he did did not sing nursery rhymes to his children when he rocked his children to sleep he would say to hm that they should grow up to be God-fearing Jews you know it's interesting the Misha quotes from thees that there are four specific intervals in Thea and daving that are designated to D for your children says the always it should be the prayer of a father and mother it should be frequent in their mouths to pray for their children what should you pray that they should have desire to learn that sadik they should be righteous they should have good character the Mish identifies four specific times in the ding to D for your children when you say when you say in the morning when you in that your Offspring your progeny should learn the T says at the end of when you say so that my efforts should not be in vain I should not have toiled for not these are the times identified by the mishura and now I want to share with you then 10 times in the daving that are designated for prayer for your children but I want you to know that it's not limited to that don't think oh yeah I already DAV chakas do you know how much time should be invested in prayer for your children it should be done the entire day throughout the day you're at a red light you're walking in the store you're driving Carole this should be a primary focus in your life to pray for the welfare of your children we mentioned by the way R writes in Kore when you say the words you should teach your children you should have in mind that the influence of T should extend specifically to your children writes in the when you askem for for for intelligence don't just think of yourself it is a predesignated time to D for your children the next when you ask God return us to your that's designated as a time to DAV for your children the BBA would say in when you say from generation to generation that's like a hidden undisclosed designated unknown time and do Reber writes that we like to keep it like hidden secret because this is such an important we don't even want the angel to know about it because they might instigate so it's just between us okay don't let the Angels know about this that's what the Bel says there are other times in when you say my soul should be like dust what does that mean my soul should be like dust says in it's a the same way the dirt on the ground can never be eradicated it's a prayer for the continuity of one's children Ty says we mentioned at the end [Music] of here's another one when you open up the AR we say by and then you say you know at the end of in some s they took this out but it's a mistake we say May It Be Your Will that you open up my heart in your and then the full text of the [Music] says it's a prayer that our children should fulfill the word the will of also the blessing before going to sleep in H the bottom line is there is no shortage of designated intervals partly for the prayers for your children and if you want to know okay I got my kids out of the house I marri them off am I exempt can I stop daving all day for them so I want to share with you my all-time favorite God story I'm not a big story guy I don't even like stories but here's a story a family came to the styler stier G was one of the sadim of the last generation the father of kki and they said you know we're having challenges with our children could you give us any advice any uh parenting techniques tips this Styer said techniques tips they're no techniques they're no tips they're only tears and toilla the stier said you see my little boy I pray every day that K should be a God-fearing Jew and kki was already 52 years old one of the so if you want to know when does the obligation end it's an investment you make it's never too early and it's a lifelong occupation particularly at the time of the lighting of the man the P writes the Bas writes that that time since someone who Z here in the lighting of the Mana the gamar vouch saes it's a special suula it has special spiritual power to Grant a person success in raising their children that is a special opportunity to pray actually p special prayers to say after you light the for the welfare of your children so in the Merit of us Gathering here today may all the that we learned be in to RAB mayki and we welcome the whole family who joined us this evening but the Merit of us gathering together today our Collective is we should all Merit children Illuminating the world we should all see the that we hope for that we pray for mayem bless all of us with tremendous thank you very much