Epic International Chinuch Event - TORAH PARENTING

welcome everyone I would like to express my gratitude first to the Epic family rabi Goodman Rabbi Cohen for giving me this wonderful opportunity to share with you about the most important topic that is relevant to our lives today and that is the subject of our children they are the Next Generation they're the future of the Jewish people and there is nothing more important than the proper perspective attitude and approach to however before we can acquire and study what methods what techniques we need to use for proper we first need to identify and Define our role as parents what is the definition of being a parent because if we cannot Define what it means to be apparent then we cannot even begin to approach the subject and I believe we're going to discover something quite revolutionary you know when the Torah compares the way that Yu spoke to his father as opposed to asov Rashi is quick to point out that there are two basic distinctions and that's the reason why Yak was incredulous that this the man standing in front of him was asov it sounded like yakob that's why said Rashi points out that that the person standing in front of him when he was asked how did he make it back so quickly he said well he invoked the name of Hashem he also said get up please he also used words of courtesy politeness he said please as did not commonly use the name of Hashem and he did not say please and this made y somewhat suspicious who indeed is a person standing in front of him however point that there's a third difference between the way yob spoke to his father and the way asov spoke to his father and in this sense it almost seems like asov had more honor to his father than yakob did and that is the says when yakob spoke to his father he said get up please he spoke to him in second person like you speak to your friend get up please however when asov comes in asov says y will the Tata get up will the father get up third person the way like you would speak to a rebbi or a rabbi and it almost seems like asov has more respect for his father than Yakov did whereupon the says that he has a tradition from his great rebi rnos Adler that actually the proper way to address one's parent is not third person but rather second person the says in the Gentile World they may address their parent third person that is because there's a certain disconnect a generation gap a certain separation between parent and child but in Judaism according to the hash of the tah Father and Son parent and child are so connected are so close there's such a warmth that a child does not refer to the father in third person rather the child says get up please that's because there's an idea child is the leg of the father a child brings Merit to the father and therefore a child speaks to a parent in second person from here we see that a very important element of parenting is the closeness between child and parent we're going to go so far as to say that this is not just an element of parenting because I want to take you to the episode in the T the subject in the T the subject of the mesis the mesis is the Seducer someone who persuades another Jew to leave the religion and to serve aara and the PK refers to different close individuals in your life who may do this to you the PK says your brother or your son or your daughter or even maybe your wife or your friend that's like your soul your soul friend your best friend who is this individual that the Torah refers to as your best friend says Rashi says the halash Rashi was the re and the father of the Jewish people Rashi says you know who this best friend is it's referring to your father says RAB from this simple comment of Rashi we see that being your child's friend is not an element of parenting being your child's friend is the very definition of parenting in fact says RAB when YF reveals himself to his brothers and he says don't worry don't sweat it don't be concerned says his brothers God made me a father to par a father what does that mean says Rashi a friend Aon and a patron and a supporter an advocate says shwab from this simple comment of Rashi we see that being your child's friend is not merely an element of parenting it is the very definition of parenting itself it is the identity of parenting it is the Mah and essence of parenting says RAB we can trust Rashi the father of the Jewish people to Define for us what does it mean to be a parent if I may share with you one more illustration when Yakov was running away from Lovin and finally Loven catches up with him and the PK says Yakov says to his brothers in barus peram what do you mean says to his brothers he doesn't have brothers he has one brother ASA and he's certainly not calling ASA to help him out says Rashi who are his brothers his sons he comes and he says again from Rashi we learn that at least to your older children you need to treat them not like inferiors don't act as if you're the superior you treat them like they're your brothers and if you do that you will have a peaceful and calm household in fact the even quotes the safer who brings a support to this idea we know there's a famous the numerical value of is which indicates says that if you treat your children that is the correct way to treat one's children treat your like like they're your brothers and I was I was very taken I uh enjoy very much studying The Works of the wrote a wondrous book called Shame in the his son and he says I heard from you did my beloved friend his son RAB AB so this is not something the merely preached this is something he lived where he treated his children like they were his brother and I found in the writings of the that the son brings that their father treated them not like children but like friends like brothers so we see the entire gamut of the history of the Jewish people from Rashi the that this is the of our the that it's important that a parent cultivates a relationship of Friendship with a child the child will understand you're the authority the child knows you're the link to SII but it should be given over in the context of friendship and although this may sound like a revolutionary new Vogue idea it is well documented from G today shwab going back all the way for the and Rashi I want to share with you another amazing comment of Rashi that will also create for us a reality shift in the in our attitude and our perspective towards the greatest challenge anybody was ever given was where the comes to he says and what does Abraham say back to the behold here I am rash says what does it mean h of humility and being prepared a little while later Abraham and Y are walking and Y is getting a little suspicious so he turns to Abraham what's going on what does Abraham say back to behold here I am wait a second that was the exact same word that Abraham used when speaking to the almighty that was a word of humility and preparedness and being prepared and now he's using that very word to his son he's talking to his son with the same humility that he speaks to the almighty says rovic one of the leading mik and Mas today from this simple comment of Rashi we understand we learn that the same way you have to speak to the almighty with humility and and humble one must speak to their children with humility says what we ask of our children today to leave to forsake to turn their eye on to close their eye to the allore of the street the allore of the material world the allore of the glamour of that is nothing short of an AA that is a sacrifice no less than the AA how do you think Abraham was successful in raising a child that was going to listen and sacrifice his life it's because Abraham spoke to him with humility that y understood that Abraham valued him and Abraham spoke to him with anos well if Abraham needed to speak to his son y with anos in the same anivas that he spoke to the almighty and what we ask our child today is nothing less of AA we must learn the lesson of Abraham to speak to children with the humility that we have to the creator of the universe that's how we have to speak to our children and R gam in one of the earlier editions of his work said a line from his mother that has since been taken out so I'm sharing this with you with many grains of salt and don't take it at face value and it sounds almost like something you can't say and you really can't say it and that's why they took it out but I want you just to hear it but then forget about it just as a way of putting into context of what we're learning Raam would say and again it was taken out of the next edition of the saer that if the T was written today and you can't even say those words so don't say them but his mother would say nowadays it's not honor your father and mother it's honor your son and your daughter understand the context that this this was set in take it with many grains of salt but these were the words that raam's mother said that he printed and subsequently took out of the next Edition but you're a mature and sophisticated audience so you understand the point I'm bringing out but don't take it completely literally but the idea is that if we want to be successful in raising great children this R Gamel says and continues to print in the next editions that how do you think Abraham was successful in raising a god like it's because he spoke to him with great humility and great anas so these are keys to developing the proper approach to realize and recognize that friend ship is not merely an element of parenting but the very definition of parenting it is critical that we speak to our children with great humility and let me end off with a medish the medish tells us in the Y that t there's a story with a Kain who is a God-fearing Jew he had 10 Sons 10 children six boys four girls every day he would roll in the dust and he would pray that they should grow up on the straight and the narrow says the medish this man was to go up to is with Ezra and thisen did not pass away until he was and great High priests from his children and his grandchildren for 50 years what do we learn from this medish sayses from this med we learn that after all is said and done the most important ingredient in raising good children is is the key ingredient the Mish writes quoting from thees every father and mother needs to be in the habit it should be of the it should be common and frequent in the mouth of a parent name to pray for their children what should one pray for them sh says three primary things they should learn they should be righteous and good character and the M from the identifies three key places in daving that one should invest tremendous kavana number one in when one says when one DAV that one's children should learn T and it should be sweet in their mouths a second juncture is when you say and then at the end of when you say that should not let us give birth to emptiness to bahala that our children should be productive Jews but it's not only these three intervals because the L of the the is it should be frequent in your mouth a parent should be doing for their child the entire day you you're at a red light utilize the opportunity to pray for your children you're driving carpel utilize the opportunity to pray for your children you're walking down the street you're going for a walk taking a minute to pray for your children you're on the way to the store this should be something that a parent does throughout the day all day long it's never too early a child is never too young even before they're born you have to start doing for them and even if you're a grandparent or a great-grandparent the obligation never stops I'll share with you one final story parents one once came to to K's father the stier going and they came to the stier for advice in raising children advice of methods methodologies and the sniper said there are no techniques there are no methods all there is is TM and tears this was many years ago the Stifler says you see my boy over here every day I D that should be you friends at that point of time was 52 years old and was already one of thear and his father did not stop davening for his spiritual success so this is our greatest obligation in this world to pray for the spiritual physical and emotional success of our children and as we know thees identifies that ER is one of the most opportune times the whole year to DAV for this but it's not limited to that day it's not limited to that month it is a lifelong obligation and practice that every parent has to develop this habit where praying for one's child and one's children is the lifelong obligation of every parent May our we should all be to children and may they all be may all of our children illuminate the world with thank you very much