Rabbi Bentzion Shafier - Mastering Relationships

foreign Schaefer on the topic may have missed in relationships are they everyone for joining us on this cold winter and this cold winter at night where we were where where we just had this great holiday of of Hanukkah of of of igniting yourself igniting others and that's what we're going to be doing here tonight we're getting tremendous words from Arabic seon Schaefer I want to thank oyasagi shimogue for always open their doors because there's a place of Torah and physic and the Tila of course I want to thank to our life David Applause amazing I think I was cheaper in the schmooze and things surrounded around no pause so much fun is what they do of course grab machine for going from place to place inspiring people in person and thousands of people online of course and we're gonna be hearing about some everyone's gonna get a free book and you're like dumb mistakes the very smart couples make so I definitely uh tremendous insights and wisdom and I think of course kazak which people might know kazaka because of events and shirum which which they organize like uh from he spoke about about this tremendous safer um from Kazakh in uh in in Queens and in Roslyn and professional reporting together but they were David today to our life to be here in Brooklyn and what might not be known is that is that the thousands of of upon thousands tens of thousands of Jewish public school students in the Jewish Education so kazak is on the Forefront of the Jewish Education through Sunday school after school programs in 15 different locations and just since 2017 over 1300 children have been transferred Public School Yeshiva if anyone knows anyone who has children in public school like to go to Jewish Education please reach out to kazak and design is now our time to follow up on uh man of the hour we're here tonight because of the day but two rounds so it's gonna go smoke very much today [Applause] okay wow what a beautiful crowd today really give ourselves a round of applause it's really amazing thank you all so much for coming I really appreciate it it really means a lot to me okay I'll use the mic I usually don't use the mic when I come to the to make the lectures and give the intros but uh I guess it calls to this time right now uh what I wanted to say first of all is okay that's young Schaefer is a very special person to tour life my organization because he was the very first person to ever give a share By Us in 2016 and uh he met us Midway in 2019 when there was a ridiculous blizzard that was called to be here and uh somehow some way made his way over from Muncie to get here in time for this year so really all right Benson Schaefer thank you for being there throughout the journey I really appreciate it uh one other thing is I was getting a lot of um calls and texts asking if it's an event for couples or for singles or for this one or for that one this book is really for everybody I know it says as uh it's the mistakes that smart couples make but really it's a relationship with advice that's relevant to every single person individually and with us so I highly advise to take a book it's free it was sponsored uh um it's not just a bit still available for us and um really like take uh take advantage of the information it's a really brilliant information without further review of Revenge thank you thank you thank you yes and yes for tremendous work for life and empath or great partners um good um okay so this is uh again the name of this book is a 10 really dumb mistakes that very small couples make uh I wrote the book because um the schmooze began as a regular issue you know we've dealt with issues in life but over the past maybe 10 15 years people have been coming to me with problems and in the past couple of years especially things have gotten a lot more Rocky and I've dealt with hundreds and hundreds of couples literally hundreds of couples have come into my office and I can't tell you the amount of times I'm looking at him I'm looking at her my jaw drops down I go what what are you guys thinking what is going on between your ears and so I wrote the book The 10 really dumb mistakes a very smart couples make because again and again I found very smart couples doing really dumb things now and before we get into the marriage part of tonight because there are quite a number of singles here I want to share with you two perspectives on finding the right person let me begin with the following imagine that you're single and you ask a married friend well the person very happily married or mediocre whatever ask them the following question the person that you married to now is that the same person you were dating right imagine you have a couple of married two years three years four years the person that you're married to now is that the same person that you were dating back then invariably not same person no connection whatsoever if the marriage is great or horrible whatever it may be I guarantee the person that they're married to has no connection to the person they were dating that's observation number one and observation number two is like this we all have our list when we're going out of what I need what I should have what are really deal breakers ask a person two years after they're married those things that really really were important to you when you're going out and those things that were absolute deal breakers and those things that you were willing to negotiate on do they matter now absolutely not there were seven other things that I never dreamed about that are so much more important that I was unaware of and most people make that discovery that I made you see I knew everything that there was to know about marriage and then I got married and then I discovered that I didn't know an awful lot at all now my wife and I were married now coming up in 36 years I love my wife and we have a great marriage my wife is not here to argue so we're going to take my word on this but I'd like to share with you I learned some lessons along the way and what I'd like to do this evening is deal with some of the 10 really dumb mistakes that very smart couples make a if you're married and B if you're not married because I think it's going to be very very essential for understanding the institution of marriage and specifically what you're looking for when you're looking to get married so let's begin lifts up his eyes and on the horizon he sees three Wayfarers three Travelers he doesn't know who they are he thinks they're Arabs and he runs out to greet them bells down full face in the sand do please do not pass your master he ushers them in he gives them food he gives him drink and he stands over them like a waiter at a certain point one of these malachim say to avram where is Sarah your wife now if you think about it that's not very polite here the man welcomes you in gives you food gives you drink and you start asking about his wife Rashi says you the highest level of you they knew exactly where Sarah Mina was why did they ask that question to make a more beloved in his eyes you see they asked the question because he was going to answer Hines she's a modest woman she's now out in the Limelight she's in the tent she's not out there in the public seer by saying those words he would have a greater appreciation of a modesty he would come to love her more they asked the question so that he should answer Hine now if you think about it that's a rather unusual statement for Rashi to make why ladies and gentlemen what is the biggest obstacle to a successful marriage the single biggest obstacle to a successful marriage anyone stubbornness stubbornness how about being self-centered when I am the center of the universe I am a difficult person to be married to here's the problem we're dealing with two of the most other scented human beings you could ever imagine avra mavino the Paradigm of hasid and sorry may know his match to perfect sadikim the morale says in the course of history there never was a bond between husband and wife never such a closeness as it was between avram and Sarah so here's the question why did malachim feel they have to overstep their bound to ask a question that might not be so sneeze might not be so proper to make her more beloved in his eyes they had the near perfect marriage and if this question doesn't trouble you let's follow the storyline a little bit sorry man is on the other side of tent she's listening a little while later one of them let him say this time next year your wife is going to have a child but this inside saying how could this be but don't eat my husband is too old Hashem says why did Sara laugh saying that she's too old and it's not What Sarah Said Sora said how could this be when my husband is too old and Hashem changed it to be and why did Sir left saying that she's too old says Rashi Sheena Hashem lied if you see this expression for peace the lock is there's going to be a major battle major fight a war whatever it may be you're allowed to lie for Shalom I heard my reputation that's the following question when are you allowed to lie for Shalom bias if there's going to be a major who knows what right imagine that avram heard the word that Sora said that he's too old do you think he would have fallen someone called me an old man number one he was a giant of a human being every year of his life was another accomplishment he was at that stage in his life the richest man in existence the most powerful man and he had another 75 years to live I don't think he would have gone to pieces I don't think it would have broken up I'm not even sure it would have made a scratch yet Hashem lied Hashem changed the story and why did Sarah say that she's too old the question is number one why did the malachim feel they had to make her more beloved in his eyes and question number two is why did Hashem have to change weather Hashem lie this is difficult to understand okay so let's begin with the following observation and this one is the question ladies and gentlemen and what is the single biggest cause of divorce in the world today lack of respect good anyone else lack of communication good finances how about them right money how about kids religion in-laws right I'd like to share with you they're all true but none of them are the biggest cause of divorce there's one significant cause of divorce today and what's that fighting fighting fighting yeah but Rabbi come on kids in the In-laws in the money and so that's what that's what that's what the fighting's about right nope it's never true you know what the fighting is always about it's never about the issue it's always about to hurt feelings it's never about the issue it's always about the relationship and would you like to know how I know this to be true 70 percent of successful marriages have at least one irreconcilable difference an irreconcilable difference means a difference that can't be reconciled there is no middle point for instance let's say he has a successful business in Manhattan she has severe allergies and she needs to live in San Diego Chicago doesn't cut it for either one imagine he wants to bring the kids up in a hasidish away she wants a literature type of approach you can't send the kids to to Yeshiva with long curly pay us on one side right there's no reconciliation there's no mid ground 70 percent of successful marriages have at least one if not more irreconcilable differences yet somehow they're successfully married why because as long as a relationship is good as long as there's love and respect my way your way we find a way but the minute the love in the marriage starts to wane they are in very serious trouble John gottman is a marriage theorist a marriage researcher he can tell with 94 accuracy whether a couple will be divorced within five years or not and he explains his system he brings him into his lab and he puts them into two chairs and he measures everything that pulls and respiration heart rate he videotapes it and he asks him to discuss three topics one is he calls a neutral topic and the other one is a mutual pleasing topic and the other one is a flash point something they typically argue about and explains he watches a videotape afterwards and he's looking for one thing contempt now contempt is not hatred it's not anger it's just kind of rolling in the eyes like there you go again he says if he sees one sign of contempt without five positive signs opposite it that couple is headed for deep trouble but why and because the glue of the marriage is the love the relationship is the essence of the marriage you see ladies and gentlemen Hollywood got it 100 percent right but backwards in the world of Hollywood we fall in love we get married and we fall out of love we get unmarried Love Comes Love Goes it's a mystery we don't get it from a Torah perspective when you choose the person love has nothing to do with that criteria you choose this person because I believe this is the person that Hashem has determined is the right one for me that's how you choose but if you don't work on a very powerful Bond of love if you don't keep that Bond of love going on an ongoing basis in a very short time you're going to be distant you're going to be far apart and I believe that's exactly what Ash is telling us as near perfect as their marriage was and the malachim said you gave us food they want to give something back they wanted to make her more beloved in his eyes why did Hashem change and avram would not have gone to peace she called me an old man but it would have made a scratch maybe an infant maybe not even noticeable scratch but enough for Hashem to lie because Shalom bias is kadush is Holy and love is the essence this glue of a successful marriage okay so far we're good okay I get the phone call and it happens only too often and the phone call sounds something like this Rabbi Schaefer yep thank you for taking the call how can I help you well it's my husband what's up well he's a good guy he's responsible he learns he takes care of the kids he runs a good living I said so far sounds pretty good what's the problem and what's the problem the problem is the problem is I don't love them I don't love them okay how long you married 10 years how many kids five kids okay good so ladies and gentlemen what do you do when you get the phone call the woman's married 10 years five kids and she doesn't love her husband what do you do so I'll tell you what I do what I do is I ask a question that I always ask at that point I say Madam tell me this last month how many times did you and your husband go out but go out doesn't mean to a wedding or by midsole to your in-laws how many times did you and your husband go out to connect to bond to spend time together the answer is we didn't okay the month before that how many times did you go out we didn't the month before that we didn't month before that by about eight or nine I stopped and I say don't you understand if you're not going to work on the bond the connection if you're not going to work on the love in the marriage you're going to Veer apart you're going to be distant you're going to be two ships in a night and ladies and gentlemen if you're married I'd like to share with you that radical and incredible approach that I sometimes often say and I get into trouble for this if you're single you can you can hear what I'm saying if you're married you will not here we go if you are married you have to be going out at least once a week you go out as a couple to connect to bond to spend time together and you go out you leave the kids behind you leave the issues in trouble and you go out to spend time together to connect to rebound to be together as a couple you see a couple is supposed to be having an ongoing love affair it's not just during the courtship stage it has to be ongoing year after year year after year and requires constant vigilance constant attention now when I say these radical lines like you should be going out once a week the pushback I get is incredible once a week round are you crazy you know how expensive it is who has a time for it my husband just started a new job or who could ever do that right so I have an answer it is true it is very expensive to go out once a week would you like to know how much it costs for alimony and the divorce court it's very very time consuming how about shuffling kids between two homes and figuring out who gets them which weekend the best investment you can make in your health your happiness and certainly in your shown bias is to go out because you have to reconnect but you see gentlemen it's not just about the going out once a week it's the love notes it's the gifts it's all the things that a couple in love need to be constantly doing not when you're going out not just when you're dating but after you're married you're one year two year ten year 36 and it means ongoing constantly because the glue of the marriage is love and if you're not constantly working on the love in a very short time you're going to be distant and you're going to be apart and how many singles do we have in this room how many singles okay how many married uh-huh how many who are not sure wow we had like five singles ten married and like we got a lot more people okay whatever I guess the binary yeah I guess you're fluid okay fine I'm not getting I'm not going there why okay fine anyway let's assume you're married if you're not married listen to this anyway but again gentlemen oh here we go am I popular am I liked good now I become unpopular and gentlemen it is your responsibility to romance your wife it is your responsibility to plan the date and it's your responsibility to buy the gifts and the notes and and the minute the guy says to me well I told her pick the restaurant and let me know I'll be there I said you blew it you blew it because the message you want to give your spouse is I love you I cherish you if by the way ladies anyone who's married will vouch for this it is my firm belief that most women when they get married are insecure about their husband's love the beginning of the marriage I would say the first 30 or 35 years they're insecure about their husband's love all right you know that girl little girl with the Daisy He Loves Me He Loves Me Not most women are incredibly insecure and most guys do a very good job of feeding that insecurity they don't take her out they don't spend it pay attention they don't buy the gifts the notes the cards all the stuff so gentlemen do yourself one second anybody here would like to be happy go like this you'd like to be happy a happy wife is a happy life if you romance your spouse if you let her know one message you cherish her you love her life will be very very sweet the minute you stop giving her that message what's going to happen is she's going to become very very difficult oh can I mention this out of you here where's Avi yeah okay can I am I allowed to mention this okay a long time ago I was going to write two books one from women and one for men right the women it was explained to them their husbands and one for men was to explain to them their wives so the women like the title that I had for their book I was going to write a book for women how to understand their husbands the book was going to be called how to train your lizard you know guys are reptiles cold-blooded you know how to train you and the ladies sounded very funny right but they didn't find it so funny Once I explained to them the book for the men the book for the men was called how to tame your dragon like like she's okay she's nice as long as you but the minute she stops feeling that you love her the Flames are gonna come out so anyway I didn't write the Books because I knew I'd be banned and whatever but I did start a Monday night group a zoom group called how to tame your dragon it's a men's group ladies you're not invited believe me and I stress over and over one thing the single best investment you could make in your being happy and I Say gentleman this one's on your side and you're being happy is if you shower your wife with attention if you let her know that she's cherished if you let her know that she's loved she's gonna be happy and guess what you're going to be happy and if you don't give that message again and again but I told it 10 years ago I told her and nothing changed right and try that one see how well it works out really dumb mistake number one is not working on the connection not working on the bond not going out as a couple not doing all the things that a couple in love have to be doing and gentlemen to be honest with you this one's more on your side of the Makita it's your responsibility to romance your spouse okay let's move on to really dumb mistake number two I want to share with you two scenes I'm going to ask you the difference between the two scenes here's scene one a young woman's over here a young man is over here they're walking down the street he trips and she says hi hi are you okay are you all right let's scene one scene two same young woman same young man and walking down the street the guy trips collats what's wrong with you can't even walk down the street what's wrong with you what's the difference between scene 1 and scene 2. scene one is the Hassan and kala scene two is then married three years and this is the second of the ten really dumb states that very smart couples make you have to work on the bomb the connection the love love is the glue of marriage but there also has to be respect because you see if I love you but I don't treat you with respect it's going to be very difficult for you to be married to me and a lot more difficult for you to love me and my friends I have to share with you this is one of the most incredible things I've seen on a regular basis couples who seem to like each other but they say such Expressions such words to each other like my hair wants to say much dumbest stupid thing I've ever heard in my life that's crazy ridiculous how can you say something says dumb like you guys like each other like how do you okay let's go back to John gottman another little study he conducts when he looks at the couples after he brings them in and has them talk to each other he asked the man to leave and brings in a stranger he has the wife talk to a strange man he records that conversation and then he asks the woman to leave brings in a strange basically he has the couple speak to themselves and then speak to other strangers and here's what he finds and whether the couple are newly married or married for five years 10 years or 20 years invariably we are more polite to other strangers than we are to our own spouse but worse than that will far more agreeable to an other Stranger than we are to our own spouse but even worse if we do disagree and we are far more polite and far more accepting of a stranger's Viewpoint different than ours than we are our of our own spouse and this is the second of the ten really dumb mistakes that very small couples make not working on the respect in the marriage you have to love your spouse you have to work and Foster that bond that connection but there also has to be a very healthy sense of respect and ladies and gentlemen I am a big fan a big fan of breaking this device I think this device causes us so much trouble that it's incredible even though there's a Torah anytime.com app and even though there's a schmooze app I believe we'd be a lot better off without this device however there is one app on this device that I think is well worth using and that's the tape recorder put that tape recorder on one time when you're having a conversation with your spouse maybe it's during dinner maybe just you sitting on the couch and play it back afterwards and listen to the way you speak to each other and if you find that you're far more polite to strangers than you are to your own spouse if you find that you're much more accepting of others opinions than you are to your own spouse and it's time to work on their respect in a marriage really dumb mistake number one is not working on the love the connection the bond really dumb mistake number two is not working on the respect in the marriage but okay let's move on really dumb mistake number three Elizabeth Holton won a earned a PhD in Psychology from Stanford University with a very interesting experiment she split up volunteers into two groups she made a list of well-known songs Happy Birthday Star-Spangled Banner and she asked one of the volunteers to be a Tapper to tap out the song and the listener to guess the song So basically she did this with hundreds and hundreds of volunteers and one person's job was to tap out the beat of the song and the listener's job was to Guess the Song now the listeners guessed it correctly 2.5 percent of the time almost never and if you think about it should be rather obvious is that happy birthday or Star Spangled Banner I don't really know it's pretty hard to tell from a beat what the song is but that wasn't the interesting part she asked the tappers to take a guess what are the odds that the listener is going to guess it right person after person said at least 50 for sure she's gonna get it for sure he's gonna get it and you could see the tape recorder well the the videotape when the taper is tapping out the song and the listener doesn't get at the top is like how could you not get it but you know what you earned a PhD for the reason behind it you see when you tap out a song you can't help but play it in your mind and when you hear it in your mind it's so obvious how could you not tell that's the Star-Spangled Banner how and this is the third of the ten really dumb mistakes that really smart couples make assuming that that which is in my mind is in your mind assuming that the way I feel about things is the way you feel about things assuming that my experience defines reality and I'd like to share with you two examples of this one is a very small example but the other one is a lot larger here's a small example as I mentioned we're married now coming up in 36 years and I find the following phenomena incredible to this day Shabbos I typically get a very early the house is quiet I learned a little bit later in the day I bring my wife a cup of coffee in bed she likes to have a cup of coffee and Shabbos and bed and to this day as I'm preparing the cup of coffee I open the fridge and have to stop because I'm about to reach for the creamer and I have to stop now everyone knows the coffee tastes much better with full fat milk at least or creamer for sure but here's the problem the problem is my wife prefers her coffee with skim milk and to this day I have to stop oh it's that but I want to give her the good I want it to taste good I want to give her a good cup of coffee with full fat milk of creamer for sure half and half but the problem is that's not the way my wife likes a coffee ladies and gentlemen do you hear what I'm saying to you what I'm saying to you is the way I experience things is the way I experience things but recognizing that my spouse has a different experience my spouse has a different way of thinking a different temperament a different approach and has a totally different viewpoint on things is one of the key and essential ingredients to being successfully married okay now here's the bigger example of that a young man is married six months and he's coming home from work and as he's about to put his key into the apartment doing system I married such a grounded girl not one of these flighty Dames not when he's Hashem he puts his key in the door and opens the door walks in and sees his wife up on the chair what what that what a cockroach a what a cow okay listen he doesn't say anything but uh hey you know whatever two weeks later he's at work and he's very focused at work he shuts his phone off a co-worker brings the phone over and says you know your wife's on the phone somebody sounds serious you better he takes what is it could you come home please why what's the matter please come on why what's the matter there are there are two of them come on now what there are two of them come on now please I don't believe it she wants me to leave work stop what I'm doing to kill two stupid bugs Furious he gets into his car drives home he's about to put the key in the door he opens the door and there she is where are they over there they're two of over there I hope you're satisfied turns around heads right back to his car drives back to work ladies and gentlemen who was right who is right was she right after all she was terrified she was scared she calls her husband home to save her was he right after all two stupid bugs he called me stop working for two bugs who was right vote who was right is an excellent question to ask in a court of law maybe a divorce court but who was right is a terrible question to ask in a marriage a far more helpful question to ask would be what was going on in each of their minds and their psyches so let me let you in on a little part of reality I have bark Hashem four daughters and two sons I don't know why it is but my daughters are afraid of bugs the boys are not when the girls are little they used to call the baby brother in to take care of the bug there so make sure he didn't eat the bug but I don't know why it is the girls are afraid of bugs boys aren't but here's the point and she's up on the chair and she is terrified if he would like to understand what she was experiencing at that moment let's change the scene a little bit let's say it was him home alone and not her and let's imagine instead of two uh cockroaches two German Shepherds would he be up on the chair uh-uh he'd be out the fire escape down the block because German Shepherds are scary and bugs aren't but that's true in his experience the way he experienced things and bugs are not scary dogs are but guess what if you remain married to your experience and can climb into the experience of your spouse you're going to have a difficult time being happily married because I guarantee your spouse is going to look at things differently feel about things differently and have a different perspective than you do and the very first ingredient in a very successful marriage is your ability to climb into your spouse's reality the mistake number one is not working on the love and the mistake number two is not working on the respect really dumb mistake number three is assuming that my reality defines my experience defines reality my experience is the way I experience it but it doesn't Define reality and learning that my spouse thinks differently feels oh can't you be normal like me why can't you just think like me why can't she because she's not you okay let's move on okay really dumb mistake number four ladies this one's on your side of the Court over here okay for against okay one second uh here we go um we said love is the key glue to marriage what is the single most important ingredient in a successful relationship right understanding communication trust what is the single most important ingredient in a successful relationship communication most women I've asked will say communication woman after women say communication I've seen it time after time I've never yet heard a guy say that not once not once okay Ted Houston is a psychologist in the University of somewhere down in Texas interesting enough anyway he studied 264 couples in depth and one of the questions he asked them is this question what is the most important ingredient in a successful relationship and almost all the women said communication and almost none of the men said communication interesting enough Lily and Rubin who's also a psychotherapist in marriage counseling and once report she's dealing with a couple and she asked the wife to step outside for a few minutes to speak to the husband and she asked the husband describe to me the best party relationship he says well we could just be sitting on the couch holding hands maybe listening to music but we don't have this incessity to talk to yeah we're just going to be spending time together okay he asked she asked the gentleman to leave ask the wife to come back in and ask the wife to describe the relationship well we could be sitting on a couch listening to music and he sit there like a log he doesn't say a word I want to hit him under the head with a bat ladies and gentlemen the single biggest complaint that women come to marriage therapists with is we never talk the single biggest complaint that men come to the marriage therapist with is all we do is talk talk now somebody got it wrong either we never talk or oh he's talking about what's going on here anybody curious to know the answer to this question okay you can answer these questions very very simply all you have to do is go to a shop this morning Kiddush and listen to the conversations on the women's side of the Kiddush and listen to the men's side of the Kiddush and this is sort of what it sounds like you go to the women's side and sound something like this oh free talking to you okay that's a woman's side and now let's go over to the men's side conversation sounds something like this foreign why did I do that what anybody anybody curious to share the pain no wrong answer you married no no no Deborah Tannen is a sociologist she wrote a number of books describing men and women in conversation and she describes that men and women talk about different subjects with different intentions with total different ideas in mind very often the reason why a woman speaks is to communicate to bond to connect most of the time the reason why is guys talk is to share ideas and why does she make all of those oohs and Oz because she's connecting to the woman next to this connection oh ah okay so gentlemen here we go are you ready let's go back to that key question would you like to be happy he's not look he's typing into his phone yeah you want to be happy or no say no if you don't say no say no go you want to be happy good okay hey what's the rule a happy happy wife is a happy life you have to learn to listen to your wife you have to learn to share with your wife and the gentlemen I don't know if you're going to do so well at the oohs and Oz but you got to learn that communication means something very very different to your wife then likely it does to you women Bond they connect that's how they create that sense of of unity that's how they send the create the sense of connection and you have to learn to share with your wife you have to learn to listen to your wife and gentlemen don't make that dumb mistake that I made this is the mistake number four is I'm not understanding communication is different for men and women I was married for about 10 years and then I realized something very interesting I was a high school ready a big part of a job of rebbe is to teach you guys how to learn but probably the biggest part of his job is to teach the guys about life and guys would come to me with questions all the time we'd sit down we'd talk and I thought it was doing a pretty good job 20 years later guys would come to our machine for that advice you get me back in high school it's great I still use it today okay whenever a guy would come to ask me for my advice and generally speaking I would listen we'd discuss it and he left pretty happy and then I'd go home and my wife would ask me for advice and she was never happy it was like my IQ dropped 80 points then I crossed the threshold I I didn't get it okay and you know what I discovered after 10 years of marriage my wife was not asking for my advice she wanted to share she wanted to communicate so gentlemen here's the big rule don't change it don't fix it don't improve it don't tell what you could done listen just listen Bond empathy and we could discuss that in the uh Monday night group but empathy is about how to do it but gentlemen this is mistake number four not understanding that communication means something different to your spouse than it does to you mistake number one is not working a loving marriage really dumb mistake number two is not working on the respect really dumb mistake number three is what assuming that my experience defines reality not understanding that my spouse views things differently a really dumb mistake number four is not understanding the communication means something different to your wife like Linda does to you okay so ladies we got the straight it's all the guy's fault right not that everybody agree right everyone in agreement yep all the guys fall so I would like to agree with that but I have found that there are things that women do that make it difficult for their husbands to like them let alone love them let me share with you one of the top 10 of those here we go it is my firm belief that every young woman as she makes that way down the aisle has a 10-point home improvement plan in place and it's that guy under the hippo who is the recipient of that 10-point Home Improvement policy first of all those ties have got to go and those shoes and those dumb jokes are coming late now we'll give a credit during the Chevrolet but surely after the chefs have ended she begins on her home improvement policy and she can't help but notice that if her husband was neater he'd be more efficient so she points it out to him and it doesn't get all warm and fuzzy so I guess he doesn't get how much I love him how much I'm concerned so she points it out even more clearly and why she I mean don't you understand if you be neater you'd be much more efficient and get much more done and he doesn't well up with love and appreciation I guess he doesn't get it so she says in Jehovah how do you even find yourself in a mess and he doesn't laugh and for the life of her she doesn't she's making the fifth of the ten really dumb mistakes that very small couples make she's trying to change her spouse now I say this to you ladies why because if I spend a lot of time and I really really focus on this I can get most guys to buy into this and I can get most guys at least intellectually to understand that their job is not to change their spouse I have not yet succeeded once in getting a woman to stop changing her not once I've not once succeeded now you guys don't know what I'm talking about but I've tried and tried and tried not once have I succeeded now let me explain to you what what what it looks like again here's the phone call and the phone call sounds something good right Shiva what do I do with the guy he's 40 years old and he leaves his socks on the floor I say okay tell me have you mentioned this to him before mentioned I told him ten thousand times pick up your sex what's wrong with you I said okay let's assume he has an IQ above 80. and he got the idea that you probably don't like his socks on the floor I have an important question to ask you why doesn't he pick up his socks that's exactly my question why did he do it okay so let's think about this for a minute now in this case I told this woman a little story I had been recently before I was at a marriage seminar and a fellow comes home and says Rabbi you gotta help me my wife she had her first baby she put on some weight she didn't lose that weight she had a second child and she put on some more weight she had our third child she's 40 pounds overweight but yeah that's insane I'm a doctor I work in the ER all these young nurses the thin and and I I tried to get her to to lose weight I offered a nutritionist you know for an exercise plan I told anything she wants and she just won't do it Rabbi you got to help me help me what do I do I said to him young man you have a choice to make you either Embrace her as she is or you suffer I said to him I've not yet met a woman who's 40 pounds of weight looks at me and says oh schmuck 40 pounds heavier than when I got married that's just what I always wanted to be right so why doesn't she just lose the weight you offer the nutritionist you offered an exercise plan and why doesn't she just do it and the answer is because right now there's a lot on the plate three kids might have a lot to do with it but for whatever reason right now it's not going to happen and you either accept her as she is Embrace her as she is or suffer and what I said to this woman with the socks on the floor is don't you understand is he a nice guy yeah is he responsible yeah so why doesn't he pick up his socks why doesn't he do he's passive aggressive no he doesn't love me no it's not true why doesn't he do you know why because he's like the rest of us he has many strengths and he also has things to work on and like all of us he has many many talents many many good qualities and he also has castronos and the minute you're able to understand that is the minute you're able to be happily married to be able to understand that my spouse is the way they are because that's the way God made them and that's the way they is because that's the way they is now I have spoken about this time after time after time if you go to the shoes.com you'll see hundreds of schmoozim many many series on all kinds of topics happens to be for the past little while now maybe two years or so I'm focused dramatically on marriage because there's so much trouble in any case I was speaking in Chicago to a group of women there and after I was finished one of the women said Roy Schaffer do you remember you were here two years ago I said I do she said do you remember what you spoke about I said I don't she said well you told that story of the socks on the floor I said okay she said it changed my marriage I said what do you mean she said we used to fight was the final time you told me that story and it changed my marriage I said explain to us please what do you mean she said well in my case my husband would come home Sunday night take his jacket off and leave it on the dining room chair Monday night he'd be wearing a different suit and take that jacket off leave it on the dining room chair next to it Tuesday night the next chair Wednesday night by Thursday night his entire wardrobe was in the dining room I said what you stop and I said scream I said yell okay and what happens now now what happens is Sunday night he puts his jacket on the chair I take it upstairs Monday night puts on the chair I take him how's your showing bias now it's great I asked the women in that class to stand up and clap to cheer because this woman got it right now what am I saying why doesn't he just pick his socks off the floor why doesn't he just bring his jacket upstairs why anyone know the answer to this very very difficult query what is the answer to this huh because he's a human being and guess what he has strengths and he has weaknesses much like you do and ladies and gentlemen here is the single most important muscle exercise you could ever engage in if you're having difficulty in your marriage if you have complaints about your husband or your wife I have a muscle exercise that will solve many of them are you ready are you ready go yes if you're ready go no if you're not ready are you yes yes here we go you may be sorry you said yes so quickly because this is not an easy one here we go if you're having difficulty with your spouse's Behavior or habits or whatever it is listen to me very carefully listen to this muscle exercise you go over to a mirror you look at the two eyes staring back at the mirror and you say the words I am a difficult person to live with I am a difficult person to live with I am a difficult person to live with now do I mean you're obnoxious and I mean you're uh miscreten you are a difficult person to live with because Hashem made us imperfect were put into this planet to grow to accomplish to change the essence of me if you were perfect you'd be done your job here and it'd be safe come to show him time to go home let's hope you still have work to do but you see when you look in the mirror and you say the words I am a difficult person to live with you recognize that we all have stuff all of it is secrecies quirks we all have strengths and weaknesses and when you recognize that I got stuff it makes it a whole lot easier for you to accept your spouse really the mistake number one is not working a love in the marriage early dumb mistake number two is not working on their spec really dumb mistake number three is not understanding that my experience is the way I experience things but my spouse may have a different experience she may like a coffee with skim milk or heavy milk or whatever may be but because I feel this way doesn't mean my spouse feels that way a really dumb mistake number four is not an insane that communication means something different to women than it does to men and really dumb mistake number five is trying to change your spouse now we're all going to go home and do what change our spells I know it I know what's going to happen I know the guys maybe I have a shot maybe maybe you read the book and you'll see the online seminar and let me say 50 times maybe I know for a fact you're still going to change how do I know this for a fact by the way I did a five-part marriage seminar in Brooklyn and I went on my rant don't change your husband don't do it the socks on the floor the whole the the brace just about I did the whole routine now because it's a very large group we dealt with the questions afterwards people write the questions on card and they bring the questions up to me someone went to the women's section first and after my 40-minute rant about not changing your spouse the first question I get from the women's section is well what if I try to change them by being very sweet say no no don't do it all it does is erects a relationship it won't connect you at all it's not going to change it's just going to make it very difficult for you to be happy don't do it okay next question I get is what if I try to change them with a sense of humor I said no no don't do it though it's not going to work it's not going to change him and it's going to wreck the relationship you're going to distance yourself okay don't okay and the third question I get is what if I try to change him with consequences oh that's a clever idea Moishy hey pick your socks off the floor you're not getting lunch tomorrow let's see how that one works out for you yeah okay I made my point I made my point again and again and again now I'm not maybe I'm not the most clever guy in the world but in any case the seminar I was in Brooklyn I live in Muncie it's an hour and a half drive that was enough time for the emails to come in and I made that dumb mistake of opening my emails as soon as I got home the very first email Rabbi Shaffer if I don't change by being nice if I have a sense of humor accounts how am I going to change him I'm not kidding I can straight emails the next one was the kicker Rabbi Shafer after all the time you spent on the subject maybe it's not that we don't understand what you're saying maybe it's that we don't agree oh and it's true she's gonna change him if it kills him her and the marriage which it will but it will never work so ladies and gentlemen if he leaves tonight with one concept it's to understand that you are a human being with many strengths and some weaknesses and guess what you also married a human being with many strengths and many weaknesses and if you try to change him you know what's going to happen it ain't gonna work but it sure is going to make it difficult for you guys to be happily married I have a theory by the way and again ladies you'll forgive me again I bash both sides of Nikita so it's not that I'm beating up the ladies here I beat the guys up also but I have my little Theory my little Theory most marriages go through this kind of like first 20 years and then suddenly gets much better you would you like to know why I believe that's true so the first 20 years she tries dog Elite to change her this way and that way I'm finally she gives up he's a stubborn ax and finally after 20 years he starts acting different he's so much more pleasant to be with he's so much more nice he wants to take me out he wants to spend time with me so and you have a choice you can wait to 20 years or you can learn the lesson now it never works it's not going to see do you know why it doesn't work anyone hop by it doesn't work anyone in the same way doesn't work I'll tell you why it doesn't work because it's always my strength and my spouse's weakness that bothers me the most it's invariably going to be that area that's my strength and it's going to be my spouse's weakness that's going to flare up and bother me all the time and I can't help but point it out I can't help but notice it it's so obvious it's so clear and you excuse me for saying it this way we become experts at what our spouse does wrong it never changes the spouse but it does wreck the relationship if you would like to be happily married there's not just sort of guys Ladies as well if you'd like to be happily married they have to remember the rules number one you have to work on the love because that's the glue of the marriage you have to work on the respect because without respect the marriage will never succeed you have to learn that the way I experience things is the way I experience things but my spouse is a whole different world when she's up there on the chair why is she up why is she so crazy what's her problem you know what a problem is she's experiencing fear but she shouldn't I wouldn't experience fear bugs don't scare me they shouldn't scare her maybe but because you experience things one way and doesn't mean your spouse shares that experience and really dumb mistake number four is not understand that communication means something different to men than it does to women and really dumb mistake number five is what I forgot what it was already I forgot what was it mistake number five the one I forgot what was that again oh don't change what oh yeah don't change your spouse we're gonna forget that one real quickly don't worry about it it's not gonna blast okay now and I think there's a tremendous lesson to learn from this Rashi you know Rashi is telling us is avra mavino and sorry man who had the near perfect marriage but Malacca had tremendous wisdom and he understood that the essence of the successful marriage the glue of the marriage is a love and they asked where is sorrow why to make her more beloved in his eyes because that's the essence of the successful marriage the reason why Hashem was mashana Hashem lied and avram Dino would not have gone to Pizza like they saw her called me an old man but who made a scratch maybe almost not noticeable but Hashem says it's worthy for me to lie because Shalom bias is Holy and the love in the marriage is the glue and I want to conclude him with a story that I think well defined what a successful marriage should be while I'm doing this conclusion I'll give you a chance to think of your questions because I I do want questions but here we go I'm a talmud hello it's my was my review was much older than the rabbitsen and everyone knew what was going to happen and the Shiva was going to pass away and leave the rabbits and almano that's not what happened the rabbitsun turned ill and very quickly passed away and I heard my review get up to say a haspid a eulogy for his wife he got up and he said these words everything we did we did together we built the Yeshiva together went there at stroll together everything we did we did together I didn't have to worry about anything I'd have to worry about my food I didn't have to worry about my medicine everything we did we did together she worried about me more than I worried about me he must have said that expression everything we did we did together 12 maybe 14 times and then he said these words I said a husband I said a eulogy for my father I said a husband for my mother I cannot say a husband for my wife and saying a husband for my wife is like saying a husband for myself I can't do it and he sat down and with those words he defined a marriage one unit bonded connected it takes a lot of work to get past the dumb mistakes that we do all the time and but once you do that you work on a relationship you're working the love you work on the friendship and before you know you start connecting you stop bonding but that's the ultimate goal and Now ladies and gentlemen we're going to open the floor to questions thoughts observations