Rabbi Avi Slansky- Strengthing Relationships

i'd like to begin by thinking hazak for fishier and older shirum and the truth is it could be that this month the month of the benamitzarim the month of terrible tragedies could perhaps be the month that hazak thrives the most this is the month that we're in here we're going to hear tons of words of inspiration via the channels of khazak whether it was on shavasana is whether god willing will be on tisha b'av and now as we see here in the middle we're going to talk a little bit tonight a little bit about strengthening our relationships a topic which is tremendous a topic for seniors and any topic for seniors that means it's a topic for juniors as well because who's the one that interacts and we think takes care of but in truth it gets taken care of by the elder generation so it's for all of us together to sit hopefully to enjoy to walk away with words of inspiration words of encouragement so that together we can continue doing what we need to do of course we all know that the world stands on three pillars one of those so crucial pillars is doing good deeds and we think doing good deeds is perhaps a hotel member going out and saving a life or maybe it's when it's four o'clock in the morning and getting out of bed to help someone we forget to realize that doing a good deed is when you stop and say hello to someone when you see that person in shul that looks a little downcast and you stop and ask them how you're doing and of course like our visa solanter teaches us it starts at home and the home is the greatest litmus test the barometer how are we doing in our interpersonal relationships because behind closed doors when no one is there to watch that's when the real you comes out that's when we either could shine thrive or unfortunately the opposite so we're going to spend a few minutes here tonight hopefully walking away in a better place a more encouraged inspired ready to tackle and not just trudge through the mud at times because of course there are difficulties but rather to grow through those difficult moments so to begin when i see the word relationships it sounds very scary relationships we're reminded of million dollar industries both in the entertainment industry but more in the relationships in the therapy in the tons and tons of money that could be spent on healing broken relationships unfortunately divorce unfortunately families is strange that won't talk to each other parents who won't talk to children and children that won't talk to grandparents and cousins that are almost sworn to not talk to the other side relationships could be so difficult and complicated so what we're doing here is something that could help us all save us a lot of money we'll talk a little bit about free advice in a few moments but let's begin but let's understanding how this is a wise investment that god willing that anyone that clicked on to watch this lecture or the lecture of our verilati will realize that you're making an incredible investment one that will only help you and your family for eternity so i'd like to begin with a story sometimes these stories seem exaggerated but we've heard so many stories in in this particular regard in the regard of relationships of shalom of peace of healing of giving in to the other side of stopping all the fighting out there which of course is the tenets and the basis and the framework of everything we're talking about because we want to talk about a relationship we want to know how to interact with an elderly cousin a grandparent or the other way for an elderly person to react with a youngster who they don't think knows anything we have to begin by understanding how important it is to let go let go just let it be is it that important is the fight yes i know it was a million dollar fight or yes i know it's a 30-year fight but don't let go and don't give in for the right reasons but for the wrong reasons let me explain there are two families we'll call them as always the family is ruvain and shimmer and reuven and chimin were families for years friends david in the same shul their kids were friends they did business together and as all friendships sometimes go it slowly started to to fray a little bit and slowly but surely no one even knew what happened but like they weren't so friendly anymore and then amidst that fray one day ruvain remembers shipment saying something to him and that was it he realized wait how dear shimmin say that to me to me his friend from 30 years i'm done and roofing stopped talking to shimon and as it goes the trickle down happened then slowly over time roovin's children started realizing that their father wasn't so happy when shipman's children came over and shimon's children realized that their father wasn't so happy when they were caught talking and hanging out with ruvin's kids and slowly over time this fray this little bit of a distance grew and grew and grew until it became the point that the two families had nothing to do with each other and then it got worse rouven decided he's gonna make the bold move he's moving schulz then the next simran he didn't invite shipman's family and then shimon retaliated in whatever that means and when he made and when he was honored by the local institution he didn't invite ruvin and in the course of a year there were these two beautiful families friends loving generations that all of a sudden almost became enemies the two of them wouldn't look wouldn't talk would cross the street when another one was coming would cringe when they hear the other family name and that's how life went on and amidst this whole fight life was going on like normal and ruby's son became a hustler and became engaged to a beautiful girl from a different family and reuben was all excited of course he didn't invite shimon's family to the engagement party and as they're planning for the wedding one day ruben receives a call almost abruptly from his son in tears daddy you're not going to believe it what happened what happened is everything okay yeah but michaela she just told me we're done we're not getting married you're what ruby almost dropped the phone what happened and and ruvving's son didn't even know how to explain himself it was so sudden he didn't know the cows psychologist said i i heard all the stories i know it all i can't believe you withheld it from me how dare you not tell me and that was it and reuven told his son as well was shocked and slowly they put the pieces together it must be from shimon's side rubin said he must have spread some lies maybe his daughter or his son or someone else said something not nice threw some mud at us and therefore roofing told his son consoled them and comforted him and said obviously she wasn't meant to be but they were both broken and devastated and then life went on and this was right at the point the fight really really really exploded we could call it and then months passed and over time time didn't heal time just made them move further and further away and probably about a year later shimon's son became a cousin shimon's son became engaged and of course reuven wasn't invited about shimon rubin didn't hear about it through shimon's family but it was a small town and he heard about shim and sun's engagement and ruvain laughed a sadistic and evil laugh now is gonna be the moment now i'm finally gonna put that last nail in the coffin i'm finally gonna get shimming back for all these years of hatred and for destroying my son's about a year ago and ruvain slowly started spreading lies slowly started telling stories he didn't want it to be like in the open he didn't want to call off the other side but slowly he started spreading lies and let it be known to everyone how evil terrible the family and everything about shimon was and one day shimon's son receives a call from his kawa we could call it a deja vu moment but the khalid didn't call to end didn't call to say we're not getting married she called saying my parents are are very torn don't know what to do this has been going on we're engaged we both want to get married our families want us to get married but our parents told of me that if your family doesn't end this fight there's no way we can make a wedding we can't make a wedding with all the stories going on with everyone walking around telling stories about your family etc etc and shimon hangs up the phone with his cowl and he calls his father and says dad you know what just happened the college has called and she said that she's sharing all these terrible stories and all these lies and all these made up situations what are we going to do shimmy's father says okay enough is enough i'm calling up ruvain and i'm putting an enter enough let's make peace let this relationship be healed this is ridiculous my son is now gonna lose his wedding over this and he calls the proving nothing he sends some people to talk to rouvene nothing ruling wouldn't hear about it reuben was laughing inside he was so excited shipman now is going to get what he deserved it was disgusting it was wrong it was evil it's a sin but roofing didn't care at that moment he was you know we'll call it almost reveling in the idea that shipman's entire world is about to collapse and jimin is told again and again by the color by the parents we want this wedding to happen we're not calling it off but you need to get a forgiveness for rooving we're not going to go down to the aisle we're not going to walk into a wedding knowing there's another family out there that hates you and everyone tried and everyone intervened but nothing was doing they wouldn't listen to anyone anyone that broached the topic with ruvain was met with ruvain's laugh no way and when it was a rough he gave them honor and different rob bunning called as well one day reuben receives a knock in his door an impartial third party will call him lady of course lady says ruvink we talked for a few moments rumen says of course and levy as he's about to open his mouth reuben says don't talk to me about jimin it's over i am not forgiving him he destroyed my son and i am not giving in if that's you came to talk about then you could just leave levy and levy said you're right moving's bringing light bulb yours pure what i'm right they said yeah you're 100 correct there's no reason you should forgive shimon now reuben was sitting back and listening okay lady so what did you have to tell me and levy said listen you shouldn't forgive him you could be right but are you a good investor ruben says investor of course who doesn't want to be a good investor oh i always like making a good return on my profit so lady says you know what forgive shipment not for god not for yourself not for your families for one reason for your own personal interest because you want hashem to listen to you and we all know the wonderful school of the wonderful things that happen when someone gives in when someone creates peace and harmony in this world god listens to him and leafy says ruvain you might be right this fight went on too long and maybe it should go on for reuven don't do it for the good reasons do it just so hashem will listen to you what you want and as ruben is sitting there stunned leaving levy wishes him well and walks out the door and ruben is sitting there not knowing what to say on one hand he can't believe he was almost like duped into that conversation how lazy sort of got it in on the other hand he's thinking maybe i should maybe i should i know of all those wonderful statements everyone says and i know it's true god will listen to me if i forgive him god loves peace it's true and then ruvin started realizing how he has so much that he wants he remembers the countless trips he's made in the past years to tsadikim to rebbe's to kvarim for broccolis and blessings and all the different sadaka that he gave and he still did not have a grandchild he had a bunch of children married but he did not have a grandchild and he wondered maybe this is the time maybe by forgiving shimon and before he had second thoughts he couldn't believe what he was doing he dialed shimon's number and shimon saw roofing calling and picked up the phone hello almost wondering if it was a mistake and ruvain again without thinking says shimon i forgive you 100 i forgive you i forgive you i forgive you let's move on shimon i love you and ruvin hangs up the phone shimon is stunned ruvin is stunned ruvin takes a deep breath shimmy can't believe what just happened shimmy calls up the other side calls up the collar sends roove in flowers sends reuven invitations to the wedding and of course the end of the story is clear roovin came to the wedding they slowly the families grew back together but most important for ruvain he was a wise investor and that year two of his children had children of their own and reuven finally merited that bris those grandchildren that he so much desired so when we begin talking about relationships we begin talking about making peace loving not fighting giving in talking to people that we haven't spoken to or even people that we have spoken to giving them a little extra time and love we all know there are certain people yeah we talk to them we call them we answer the phone but do we really give them our time is there really a peaceful relationship there is that a relationship that god looks at and says i want my name on it so let's do it for the wrong reasons let's do it because we want god to listen to our telos because we want hashem to listen to our requests so let's do it for that reason and shalom and peace is incredible like we just saw it's so incredible it's the seal of god's name a seal is that which represents the emblem the emblem of the president of a king of a monarch is so important and critical what is the seal of god of the creator of the universe peace because there's nothing more in this world that god wants than peace that's what we're talking about here today and that is the way that at the end of the day it is a multi-billion dollar industry and we need therapists and when there's difficulties we need to go to professionals and at all times it's very hard and it's not an easy situation and there's so many times and i'm sure there are people listening saying he makes it sound so simple if only you knew my grandfather if only you knew my grandson well you knew my spouse if only you knew what my cousins did to me and it's true you're all right so firstly do it for the wrong reasons and secondly try something because it's the seal of god and how can we remove god's seal from our lives by not having peace we're basically telling hashem please don't come in here but i dive in and i learn and i do so much good and i get stuck and i give charity that's all true but you don't have the seal if you don't have the seal almost everything could be meaningless you're missing that seal god might have signed it all like if shinjin pinkus writes in one place i could all be waiting there for you all the goodness in the world could be waiting up in heavens gotta open up those doors so he's referring to fila to prayer but we're gonna now extend that to what is the final blessing of all our prayers every day sim shalom god give us please give everyone peace all clients all of israel why that is the seal of hashem so yeah it's difficult incredibly difficult time consuming heart rendering gut wrenching it's all true and i'm not exaggerating and the opposite i'm probably not giving enough honor to the difficulties and probably not giving enough credence to the time that it takes but we have to realize that any bit of energy invested into our relationship into a peaceful relationship into the seniors into the youngsters is a relationship is an investment in god himself and in truth the time that we're sitting in like i mentioned in the beginning between shavasana vitamins and tish above is the time where this is almost the most relevant because the first base i make this the first temple was destroyed because of the three cardinal sins and the second was destroyed because of faceless hatred and everyone hears that and wonders baseless hatred is so bad that's why the temple was destroyed i understand the three cardinal sins death and inappropriate relationships and serving idols that i understand a peaceless hatred and if we think about it for a moment it's almost obvious of course there's many many explanations but we all know that the ahafte loving another that is the tenet of the entire torah as hillel so famously said learn that and the rest is just an explanation because when you love someone else love him like yourself you're bringing god into the equation and when god is part of the equation everything else could work for when god is not in your equation nothing could work so what's baseless hatred it's the opposite of the coin we find love and hate what's in the middle in the middle is that place that we all think that we're living we all like to pretend and lie to ourselves perhaps and say i don't hate anyone i might not love them but we're okay we're mutual friends but we find in the tire that doesn't exist either you love him like yourself or it's baseless hatred and the reason is because of the word baseless hatred as i heard many years ago from every succulent of friends what's baseless hatred we always have a reason we hate someone is it justified is it justified you might have a reason not to like someone but is the hate justified that's the question we have to ask and if not it's baseless and the analogy that he so famously gives and i've heard it quoted so many times after is that if a rebbe a teacher has a child who's not behaving and he tells the teacher stop he tells the child excuse me stop and the child's still misbehaving and he tells the child stop playing with your pencil i told you ten times and the child that won't stop and the rebbe goes and takes out a knife and slices the child's fingers off and the parents and everyone comes and the cops are called they want to lock up that teacher and the rebbe says what i warned him ten times i told him he's gonna have to get punished was that baseless hatred yes but he had a reason he told him so many times to stop that's true but it's baseless hatred because it's not justified you don't cut off a kid's fingers because the kid won't listen to you that's a baseless hatred that's an extreme and simple example to understand but we all in our lives have times that were those quote unquote mutual friends why that's called baseless hatred because why aren't you loving them why aren't you doing more why aren't you giving more if you're not giving more and you're not loving them we quickly fly into the other part of baseless hatred so the few minutes that i have left i'd like to share a fascinating and fabulous idea from the talmudin subus that teaches us that giving son a smile is worth more than a cup of milk and at a simple level this means giving someone a smile showing them that you care about them when we think about this we realize something that only now psychologists are starting to realize if anyone does a search and anyone has heard the power of a smile how a smile reduces stress elevates your mood is contagious boosts your immune system reduces pain adds years to your life those were all items i found on different random places different random encyclopedias and researches secular about a smile the gemara the town we knew this so many years prior that a smile is worth even more than money you have an honey you have a poor person he needs a drink a cup of milk to rejuvenate rejuvenate but a smile is worth what much more because the smile does everything it doesn't just give him physical sustenance it elevates him it reduces that strain it brings into a new place that smile is the key to repairing to elevating and strengthening the relationships that we're talking about today whether it's an elderly person that we find irritable that we find difficult to deal with unfortunately whether it's to a young grandchild to a young relative that we find he doesn't know anything about life that smile is key the smile is what's going to heal and we're going to take this one step level one step deeper to show how the smile is going to show us how to deal with them because the gemara equates the smile to giving money that the smile is worth more than a cup of milk worth more than charity what are the laws of charity the most basic premise of all of charity is you don't give based on what you think the recipient needs you give based on the recipient's needs let me explain we often look at someone collecting charity and we say why does he need that why did he have 18 children and now he has to make all those weddings why does he live in that house and why does he have that job and why does he drive that car and why does he why doesn't he get a job what and we all have all the things that he should be doing but our sages teach us that charity does not go by what we think they should do it's what they need their needs as the gemara famously teaches us that there was a wealthy person lost all his money and we paid for everything from the chariot and even for the person that ran in front of the chariots because that is what the wealthy person needs so it's not our place to decide what he needs he has his rabbi his rabbinical figure who he'll figure out his life it's our job to give him according to his needs and the same thing is true now when we translate that into the smile we sometimes view people again whether it's viewing someone of the elder generation or whether it's the elder generation viewing a youngster who seemingly doesn't know anything about life it's not our place to change them it's our place to understand where they are holding and honor them respect them and give them what they need in their place just like that wealthy person that loses all his money we have to support him on his level of wealth we have to give the elderly their honor due to the fact that they live through so much more and rather whether they are difficult or not or we find them difficult i should say or not we still have to honor them on their level because that's their needs that's the smile is worth more than the money that worth more than a cup of milk because on their needs that's what they need and the same thing is the reverse when an elderly person sees a young child and we say he's making so many mistakes with his life he doesn't know what he's doing he's wasting away his life he's so ridiculous he saw this we can't understand them we can't relate to them we can't relate to this generation and of course that goes both ways we have to understand fine but on their level honor them give them that smile on their level give them the honor give them the respect give them the time on the level that they need even if we do not understand it and once we have that basic idea and sounds so simple and it is but with that simple and basic understanding we'll be able to look beyond all that which is bothering us we'll be able to say okay i don't know why i need to do this and i don't understand what that other person needs but i'll do it anyways i'll try i'll give that smile it costs nothing it's free time is free yes i know time is money but in essence time is free when we give stone of our time we're giving so much to them and that is all that is craved as i read a beautiful article from a rubin leuchtter last week how he said if we show our children and it's the same thing the opposite when children show their parents i want to listen to you and not just pretend to listen but really want to listen but we think i don't want to listen i don't care what they have to say that's true so start caring about what they have to say you get stuck on their level so to listen on their level what they want is your needs what they want is your desire you can't understand it that's perfectly fine but do it anyways because that is what they need and that is what you are required to do and i'd like to conclude with one final beautiful story i heard i read the vision to rebel i don't remember which one many many years ago at three o'clock in the morning tells agave please call so and so the gabby says it's three in the morning you don't ask the rubber questions and he dials that person's number and the person answers and the rebbe says mazel tov mazel tov and per says thank you and the rep says how is the khasana and the other end the person says it was beautiful i just came home and the rep says please tell me more who came and the person starts telling him all about the wedding and what about the flowers and the food and the band and the rebbe sits there and talks and talks and talks for a half hour at three o'clock in the morning and at the end of the conversation he says mazel tov ah it's so beautiful to share in simchas and he hangs up the phone and the gabba turns to the rabbi and says rebel it's three in the morning you could have done that tomorrow you could have done that next week why and the rebel looks at him and says that person who made a wedding tonight he doesn't have a wife his spouse died this past year and after a wedding the husband and wife usually goes home and they talk about the event they talk about the beautiful simcha they talk about the flowers and the guests and the band and the food and i knew that he didn't have anyone to talk to and i knew i needed to fill his void that's real charity feeling the other person's void so we want to talk about strengthening relationships it's difficult extremely we don't necessarily understand it we don't have to it takes a lot of time and energy that's true but we have to always remember the gemarang subis that says that a smile is worth more than a cup of milk and just like we give a cup of milk based on when he needs it give the smile give your time based on what he needs give that listening ear make that difficult phone call sit and talk to that difficult relative because that's what they need even if you do not understand it and god willing if we all try a little bit a little bit in these three weeks a few minutes make one phone call make one conversation aside for getting that tremendous payback like we saw in the beginning that incredible story how god will listen to art felix most important maybe we'll finally get the third temple god will listen to our words but as well will also merit to heal the wounds and heal that baseless hatred and that itself will bring the third temple then here of yamino amen thank you for everything