The reasons you can't find your Soulmate - Rabbi Alon Anava

[Music] so good evening thank you all for coming and we want to talk about tonight's a little bit about what one can do to hastin or not necessarily hasten but make sure that they can easily find their other half the reason why I was saying hasten because many people they can't wait any longer and they want it to be imminent but nevertheless we will talk about tonight that sometimes Hastings something is not necessarily the solution but rather we want to wait for the right moment and needless to say for the right person unfortunately in our generation and we spoke about it yesterday many that are struggling with finding their other half and we spoke about it yesterday in the class about mushiya and the redemption that it was already prophesized that before Messiah who come one of the problems of the generations will be that people find it very difficult to get married to find their other half so I can't testify for the past but I know in our generation and at least in the last a 20 30 40 years it is very difficult for many people to find their other half and needless to say this is one of the most inconvenient challenges that one needs to go through and comes an age when a person is ready to get married and they're wishing to find the other half quickly and not only quickly to find the prince charming or the I don't know what you say for the ladies but you know princess whatever they're ever they call it but nevertheless this is that not one of the first problems with looking for the other half is that we have a very high raff of expectations and usually it's out of proportions bhavish em we have in Israel two Institute's tour Institute's one for ladies and one for men so by default it's very natural that we're trying constantly to match one another and many of the students when they come whether they approached me or my wife or some of other the spiritual leaders in our Institute's then I look at the list of demands or the requirements and that's completely out of proportion not too long ago some individual came and we sat down and I told him okay what are you looking for in a wife you asked me to help you find your wife what are you looking so he gave me such a detailed list and at first I was very uncomfortable telling him that but I knew that he needs to hear it straight out and I told him I'm sorry to tell you but this creature doesn't exist so stop looking because you never find something like that and this is another problem is that when we grow up the the level of expectations is growing and growing and growing for whatever reason it doesn't matter it's almost irrelevant at this point why but the level of expectations is not what one needs to look for and that's kind of what we're going to talking about today but more in a spiritual part of it but also comes another problem that the environment and society are feeding us from a very early stage what we think marriage is about and what do we think that the relationships are about and we grow up with a very distorted way of thinking about marriages for example when I grew up for me marriage I took as an example for movies and movies they don't show you real-life movies show you a couple holding hands and they're walking into the sunset and he whispers to her and she so he said this only works in Hollywood by the way it doesn't work in real life and unfortunately we are our slaves not only that we are slaves we are a victim of the movie industry and many other industries now it's a little bit change because we are also victims to social media and many and advertising and all this a brainwashing type media that we are fed what my standards should be and and there's no real education what's a real marriage is about nobody will come to tell you in movies that marriage is about working on yourself and refining yourself and building a the ability in yourself to be able to nourish another person people come to marriages with only demands what I want to get from this marriage and nobody comes to a date with that mind frame is how can I make that person's life better it's usually is how that person will make my life better and I blame a lot on it on society and the environment that we live in and many people will maybe disagree but if you grew up watching movies and TV shows and romances and books or whatever it is then the idea of marriage is completely distorted nobody ever told me when I was young that marriage is hard work and marriage is living with a woman that usually usually and I'm not saying it in a hurtful way will be the one who's gonna drive with the most crazy that's usually the case nobody told me that I mean I love my wife dearly but she's my other half and therefore she knows all the right buttons were the press to get me completely out of balance not because she's me in hospital because she is the other half but when I was young I thought that marriage is about holding hands and sitting on a beautiful romantic beach and all this nonsense it doesn't exist this maybe exists in the first two weeks of dating that's it and then when you once you go under the Hupa that's it story's over you are locked so no Hashem I've had this hood in the mirror to be many many weddings and you see always the excitement in the wedding and I was standing in the side and say oh no I'm so excited but you know life is about to begin the moment you've smashed that Cup as the famous Jewish joke is that this is the last time you're gonna put your foot down so my nevertheless it's a problem because I was also at a very late age I mean not very late I considered it late I was in the so to say the dating scene when I was 28 29 I thought it was very late later on I saw that it's actually pretty young but nevertheless I also experienced it on myself and my attitude when I was going to dating was completely completely different and I think that's why I found my wife like that because my attitude was completely different we're gonna talk about it later on but first we have to understand a few things that we're going to look at both spiritual and the physical aspects of the reality in my life when I'm approaching to find my other half and I always like starting first with a spiritual aspect because if I know how to enter through the back door and to go straight to the source then I have a better chance of understanding the situation and also changing the situation and the holy book of Zola teaches specifically in parashat Liliha that it says that the the desire for me to get married for any person to get married is because I am possessing only half of a soul if I would have a whole saw I wouldn't look at any other person I wouldn't have any desire to marry because technically when you're thinking about it sometimes there are a lot of people they come to me and they cry whether with tears or just with words how hard it is to be single and so forth and I look at them and I'm like wow you're such a fool you by yourself nobody's making a mess in your home nobody's driving you crazy you were able to do whatever you want and you're you I I sometimes I envy you of course I don't not gonna say that to a person you know don't step on somebody's toes when they're in pain but that we all have this built-in desire to find my other half to build a home only because I am only half of a soul and before the the soul comes down to this world the soul gets so to say cut in half and there's a female part of the soul and the male part of the soul and right before the person is ready to be born the soul is about to take the plunge down it goes through a certain process and that one of the last parts of this process is that a cern angel commonly cuts the soul in half and one part of the soul jumps into the female another part of the soul jumps into the male and it doesn't mean they have to born and born in the same day sometimes they can be born in the difference of 10-15 years and usually in completely different places in the world very rarely I mean that's not saying it's not an option but very rarely it's around the corner and sometimes it's somebody that lives next to you for the rest of all your life but nevertheless the soul is built from two components and it falls into the female and in the male and then part of the soul is by the man and part of the souls by the woman and therefore we have this strong drive and the strong desire to find my other half now the soul says that if I have the merit then I do find my other half and if I don't have the other merit why would I won't have a merit is because I go down in my spiritual level as a result for my sins if I go down from my level as a result from my sins then what's going to happen is if my other half is higher than me spiritually gonna find her Oh him too I mean I can say him and when people start thinking all sorts of weird things about me but they're but if I have gone down in my level and it can only be from sins and my other half is higher than me all no find her and then what's going to happen is that if I do find it's not my real other half I will be a B so to say matched with another soul based on my level and that's not going to be my other half and then that you see that many people they have the merit they do marry their other half the real other half it's not a sane it's not a just a slang it's the other half of their soul and that's what you've seen many times and I'm just giving different scenarios don't take it black and white it's not always the case but you see many times that some a couple will be married they can be married for 10 years 20 years then they get divorced something and get remarried again and could very much with it the second marriage is the real marriage and sometimes you see it's the other way around and sometimes one of the spouse dies and then the second marriage could be there the real other half can be so many different scenarios and I just specifically don't want to talk about it because people take it very literally and then they start saying oh my god that's the second marriage and this is it listen that it there's no rules here well nevertheless I'm just laying down a foundation that if the person has the merit they will find their other half and usually will come fast and quick and right away with no no much difficulties and if ha special um and again don't take it as a black and white that oh my gosh if I'm 10 years looking for my other Efrain it means that maybe I'm lower layer or higher but in general if they don't find the other half very fast the one of the ways of looking at it that one is in a higher level spiritually than the other one I always give the same example that when I got married we were a group of friends that we all kind of got married in the same time and within about a year all the the the couples got married and there was one girl they didn't get married and nothing was wrong with her she was attractive she was brilliant she was funny she was easygoing I mean literally if I would look at her there's nothing wrong with her really nothing wrong with her nothing that you can point and say she's boring she's annoying she's coming from a broken family she has issues it on the external part and we knew her very well she looked like a very normal above every above-average individual she couldn't get married she was the only one every time we would go to weddings she would be the one who sits by herself every event she was by herself Shabbat meals whatever it was and nobody understood what she can get married years have passed of course she relocated trying to find probably the her other half in a different place as they say mashaallah mcComish Animas allative ah you change your place you change your muscle which we're going to talk about this muscle very soon masala is not luck that you have in the casino when you're rolling the dice is not the masala that we're talking about but nevertheless years have passed and we kind of lost contact with her about maybe four plus years before I moved to Israel I lived I moved to California I lived in Los Angeles okay one day my wife tells me don't ask who we going to have Shabbat meal by oh she tells me the name Wow we're going first Shabbat me or she tells me and don't ask she married Oh shame what amazing news okay we go can't wait to see well what was the story we come to meet an amazing man tall broad handsome has an amazing career very very made like polite and courteous and seems like a gentleman helping around and they had a kid so he was holding the baby all the time seemed like a wow this is like the mr. perfect okay as we going through the meal we're talking and of course my wife and me are dying to hear what's going on here what what was the story long story short is that he became observant measures of course fully observant when we were at the time when we she was around us he became observant maybe two years before that day that they got married and the whole entire time when she was looking to get married when she went to matchmakers or whatever services she used whether it was a website to a matchmaker or what she was looking for an observant man and he was on some beach in India I don't know what he was doing there and he doesn't really matter but she was here and he was here so she couldn't find so every person she went on a date she looked no that's not the one and right away and of course people saying okay maybe she's picky maybe she's this maybe she's that no she wasn't she was actually on top of her game and saying this is not the person and finally when mr. perfect decided to get his act together and he became observant suddenly he became on the list and that's it and so it took her maybe 12 years that she was and she wasn't growing younger she's our age she waited and waited and finally she came at the right time so this is a perfect proof that when one is in a higher level spiritual level than the other will become a difficulty to find the other half because if you are observing Shabbat and you follow the laws of kashrut and you dress in a very modest way or you learn TOA half of that whatever it is then you're holding a certain level and your other half is lower you're not going to find him or her and needless to say if you lower and that person is in a higher place so this all says that if a person goes down in their level and it doesn't matter right now they were born observant became not observant was born secular became observant it doesn't matter if a person is lower in the spiritual level the cosmic ocean is waiting patiently for the person to step it up it will wait and wait and wait and wait and at some point if the other person cannot wait anymore then a Chicago Jew who will match another person that is not the other half and they will get married and it doesn't necessarily mean they're not going to marriage they might have a good marriage they're gonna be matched according to their level according to their needs according to what their tycoon is and yes and as I know it sounds very sad but one can live their entire life not with the real other half and again don't think it means it's gonna be a bad marriage can be a very good marriage just that the instead of going with partner number one you went with partner number two and you still achieve what you're supposed to achieve so first of all very very important is that of course I want to meet my true other half what is called from the root of my soul and I'm sure you mentioned you met many times situations when people pray for another person and they say you should meet your other half but from Shoreditch motto from the root of yourself why because they want it to be the other half but if not then you have to do a certainty cool in this world now can you really know who's your really other half no and you'll never know I don't think that there's a way to know to know that and I know a lot of people come and tell me oh me oh I know they go to different rabbis and they say can you save that's really my other half and if it's not you're not gonna get married you're gonna waste another 40 years there's one very famous rabbi in Israel don't want to say his name cuz you're gonna call him tomorrow and he he first of all he's the grandson of her very big said [ __ ] nice it's a dick himself and he knows by the names he sometimes he matches names and he and he can tell it's a very good shedule he will never tell you yes know whatever but but the point is there are ways to see if the matches very well but nobody even a great so they can tell you yeah that's that's the real other half so don't have that on your on your agenda saying okay I'm going to go now to every Mecca battle in this world and find out if that person is my other half now needless to say that when you come to to to the whole concept of marriage it's a huge decision sometimes people go on dates they go in one day to day 20 dates it's very confusing and it's a very big decision it's not the right person it's not the person I'm gonna relive with for the rest of my life it's uh not only a big decision it's causes a lot of people to become very confused maybe it's not the right person maybe is the right person I like this but I don't like that and needless to say we talked about it last week we talked about it today also is most people are very confused they normal thing in a negative way and has fish alone to hurt anybody but most people there are spiritual balances computer neshama is completely off balance and what its gonna cause is that when you look at something you don't you can come to a clear decision that's the problem with most people whether it's a place to leave a job to take a profession to learn or that person to marry it doesn't matter most people they're their soul is affected from different types of impurities that will cause the soul to be not balanced that's why if you are we're a little bit aware of the teachings of the Jewish mysticism specifically Kabbalah you'll see that the entire basics of Kabbalah is to bring your soul to be balanced that's why if you look at the structure of the spiritual sphere the ten emanations you see that there's a right side there's a left side and there's a middle side and the middle side has two extras feedlot cattle and manhood why cuz the whole system has to be balanced and if you're not balanced if you're swinging from side to side you'll never be able to come to a clear decision most people find it very difficult to come to decisions whether it's what to wear today whether it's if we're going today to Italian or sushi and or big things like where should I live what profession should I learn and needless to say when it comes to a date so much more so I like this but I don't like that and I like that but I don't like this and maybe this is good maybe that is no good this is in itself already a way to to look at is that one needs to bring themselves to a very high level of balance spiritually and emotionally that will already will remove 50% of the problem but I mentioned before about this concept about Mazel Mazel is in the translation of Mazel is luck but really it's not normal talking about luck masalas will be more equivalent to the spiritual force there is held in the world above that is holding in it a lot of us a huge abundance and when it drips down into my new Shama I get it in a certain way that whatever my soul can actually handle to put it in seven simple words sometimes people are lucky and they inherit millions of dollars from their parents or their grandparents but they don't get it in one check it's placed in a fund in a trust fund and you get twenty thousand here twenty thousand there you go to college you'll get X amount of money you want to buy a house you'll get X amount of money it's held by a trustee and you don't get the whole thing why because if you get the whole thing then you have three Ferraris on the back on the front porch and a year later you have nothing so I have a friend that they inherited the massive amount of money him and his sister from a grandparents something that you can easily buy a few Ferraris without even without even blinking they didn't get the money they got portions of it but they went to study in University they that was paid they went to buy property that was paid same thing here master of the universe gives you an abundance he says if I'm gonna give you the abundance in one shot you're gonna blow it up in one second but comes in it drips in that's why the word masala comes from the word in Hebrew nozzle nozzle is that it's dripping if you know when a person cries it says in Hebrew layha Zilla Deema when a tear drips down slowly slowly this is the word Mazel and it comes like an IV drips from above one drip under one drop after the other now there is another thing that we know of that is called fate fate or destiny which makes the whole thing very confusing because if there is destiny then do I have a choice who are married probably not if I have if I'm running under my destiny or my fate but if I don't it means I choose and how is it working one to the other now we know there's a very famous story it's not a story it's the reality but it can be found in the town in the track that's called media and it says that when the mother and the father having marital relations the second that the drop comes out it doesn't even get cooked yet comes an angel the name of the angel is called Lyla takes this drop and goes to God and it tells gone this drop de pasto mati earlier this drop what's gonna be its destiny is the person gonna be tall short brown hair black hair blue eyes rich poor strong weak smart rich whatever what's gonna be and the Talmud says they're a cold with a shaman puts me watch a mime everything is already predestined and decided by the heavens besides the level of god-fearing the person will have it's already decided if you're gonna be rich if you're gonna be poor if you're gonna be attractive or not smart whatever it is everything is already decided and that puts things in a very difficult perspective so if this is the case it means I really predestined with my wife is when I'm gonna marry so what am I gonna do let me just sit all day long and do nothing and maybe she's just pop up from the sky but it's not exactly like that because if this is the case that everything is in the hands of the heavens then I don't have to do anything but on the other hand we do know that we the Talmud says that I will get my z book my she took my other half based on my actions so it kind of contradicts it this is do we have your fate do we have your a Mazel all it depends on my actions now comes another question because that's in the front line of many people can I make a decision mistake in my decision that's the question that many people have after they get married because after they get married in a year and two past and they're like oh my gosh I think I made a mistake here I'm not so happy with the with the merchandise and then they come back to the matchmaker I think I made a mistake why I don't know I don't like her I mean you don't like her no she's very messy she's real ouch is there her parents are I think I made a mistake let me give me a mistake already have three kids so a lot of people after the fact they were afraid that they already made a mistake and some people what stops them is before the fact to make a mistake and this is the biggest mistake because a lot people say maybe I'm making the wrong decision so maybe I'm just gonna cancel the whole thing out so comes a big question can a person make a mistake can you actually marry the wrong person this is one of the most common questions I get when it comes to shin to him can I make a mistake if I marry so-and-so is there a possibility that I will make a mistake and I'll find out after 10 years that I married the wrong person so going back to the ZOA that we mentioned and again if you want to see more in details we don't have time now to read the entire result and the entire part in the law but it can be found in parashat lake lacar page saudi caliphs 91 and it says there that the soul is built from two components a female and a male everything in the world above is built from a female and a male now it says that Adama Rishon the first man was born he was like how do you code in English a Siamese twin was attached to faces front was Adam the Mac was kava he was one body one half of it was a female half of it was a male and if you remember the story in the book of beta sheets Adama Gershwin was sitting on a beautiful chair a little bit nicer than the chair I got tonight but he was sitting on a beautiful chair and the collage mewho brought to him everything in creation and on that moment started naming it he brought in front of him a line he says this is going to be called a year but in front of him a sheep this is gonna be called Kiva why he saw the godly power that enlivens the animal and everything else whether it was food or whatever it is and he named it but he noticed that every animal had a mate because in English it's not always like that but in Hebrew most of the animals there's a name for the female and a name for the male in English is not a hundred percent like that but in Hebrew a lion the male is a year and the female is livia and a cow is power or show and the female is power and almost in all the animals in a borough they have different names so he says hey that's not fair how come I'm not getting one how come here everybody in creation they go to the other half and I'm not so ashamed says what do you want one he's like yeah one one and up until today we're paying for that mistake but nevertheless the calash Pope who says lost over Adam leo clever dog it's not good for the person to be by himself as Rollo is a connectome I will create for him help mate but here is where the words in Hebrew are a little bit more sophisticated because it says SL as there is a helpmate can aikido can be translated as in front of him but also can be can be translated as can Nick door against him now she says a commentary in the Torah in Zaha if he has the merit then she becomes an ism she becomes a helpmate if Rosa ha if he doesn't have the marriage she becomes an agnostic because against him well nevertheless we already see that in the beginning demolition was created one person then he was separated for two of course you know the famous story that the rape was taking out this is I think maybe whole market invented that that's all says it wasn't the rib it was the side of Adam ever shown that was taken out Salem means the side not necessarily a rib but nevertheless this is the the key to any type of marriage whether it's before you are you before you're married when you are looking to get married and after you get married this is the keys this whole Ezzor connect door because the Torah says the harmonica Baburam Kadosh people who created them a female and a male and the esel connect though it means that I will have completely different character traits from my wife if I'm looking something that would to be a perfect fit it's usually the complete opposite of me that's why in most marriages then that's why people feel that they made a mistake because in the beginning they get married everything is lovey-dovey and there are a lot of love and a lot of hearts going on and what's up and all these flying a sparklies and arts and arrows in the heart all this junk but nevertheless this only works in the in theory the beginnings out of hearts can you imagine how many hearts are in the database of what's up so whenever the less nevertheless after things settle down suddenly wait a minute it seems like that person is not so such a great fit the more the person is the opposite fit that's where you see actually the connection because we all came here to refine ourselves and in order for me to refine myself I need a very good King Nick door SLK Nick door help me that is gonna stand in front of me I'm going now on a date I guaranteed that 99.999 if not a hundred percent of people in the world when they go on a date they're at least twenty minutes if not two hours in front in front of the mirror I don't know anybody that just says Oh a date no problems and goes out usually it's like this is hair straight is this hair straight and maybe changing three different shirts no no this shirt doesn't you know so and again hostel should I'm not making fun of anybody but I was there too so I know what it means before you go on a date every line oh my gosh oh my gosh oh my gosh what is this what is this and the last I have a date tonight so the funniest thing is that how you get ready for the date it's usually not what the other person in front of you is looking for you're gonna look for the shirt to be ironed of the hair to be like this so this to match that and now the person sitting in front of me doesn't even notice what you were particular about that's the Joker if you're looking from above both sides you laugh because you still work on your hair and the person has even look at your hair it looks at the clothes or whatever it is but nevertheless while you look in the mirror so long because you want to make yourself look presentable and nice and attractive and you want to present yourself in your finest so you need a mirror if and throughout your entire life and how do I make myself better is a neat a mirror can have a good image of myself if I don't have a mirror you know not too long ago oh Hashem we have a lot of classes we have a Shiva and a lady center and at tourism we load all the videos on the Internet sure you saw some of them a few months ago we load the video and the guy who's running the YouTube in the videos and he calls me to see something and I'm looking at a video and oh my gosh look at that one of my hairs were sticking out like that and I'm looking at that the video was already online for like maybe two three days got like five six thousand views and I'm looking at the video and it looked like Gargamel and I'm like oh my gosh why did nobody told me you know I have antennas on the side and usually I make sure they're tucked in very nice and I'll what my hair before I start a lecture I don't know it was some static in the room and I had like an antenna sticking out and I really looked like Gargamel you know the guy from The Smurfs did have their hands down tennis needless to say that my kids were around me and they were laughing I know can you mind ma'am I know my gosh look how I'll okay this is embarrassing I bet look like a very citizen look how I look and then the guy the the YouTube manager says should we remove the video I said what I'm going to remove the video it already got thousands of universe so I said you know made a couple people laugh it made two three thousand people laugh god that's enough so I look funny big deal but the fact was it the next day I came back to class and I told the ladies why didn't you tell me it was that I have lady seminary why didn't you tell me I looked like that just go to me like this or make some man give me some hint or something just go like so why are you sitting there now I understand we're all giggling the whole three hours so and my request was like if I look a little bit funny if I have here no sometimes I'm um you know I love my beard but sometimes you have here piece of dinner and here you have something from breakfast and it's not intentionally but it's very difficult to eat with a beard especially when you like the you know the juicy falafels and the Chihuahua and it's not like you know you have to take a shower right away so a lot of people invite me to eat I'm like no no it's fine I'm gonna eat at home why I'm gonna take you for a very good rest it's fine you do not want to see me eating so a lot of the times were like traveling and then many of my students followers ever they have restaurants come I want to treat you to a meal no I had I had already something at home no no I'm gonna treat you can eat whatever you want and I'm like no no it's not a nice sight so just imagine but nevertheless so my request is always if you see something not balanced tea or something not sitting well and tell me wouldn't you want somebody to come and telling you until you excuse me the hair is out of the way or you look funny we have a crumb here so my wife is my mirror to shape me to make me understand that what I need to work on now if I have a problem with anger then my wife is gonna be the one who's gonna get me out of my balance all day long she's gonna make me angry all day long not because she's mean I not because she's no matter half because she is the one to make me work on my deficiency which will be anger if I have a problem with the patience then my wife will be causing me constantly to to lose my patience whatever it is I'm just giving two or three examples out of many I came down to this world to be refined now my other half is my mirror so if I'm already into marriage that I have to understand that thank you mirror yeah you know you want you you want to yourself to look good and polish the mirror so and if it's before that I'm getting married I have to understand that the woman is sitting in front of me in the date that is going to be the mirror is that appropriate person to be my mirror or is that a person that is not appropriate to be my mirror nevertheless then the talk comes and gives me the basics the key to any type of relationship is that my other half is my easel can ignore is my helpmate that will be across to me or against me it seems to me that it's against me but it's not there's a beautiful interpretation of I'm sure you're familiar with the famous Star of David most people they go proudly they wear their Star of David most people don't even know where the originates from but nevertheless that's just that in itself can be a beautiful lecture where the Star of David coming from the people wear it proudly and on their chests and there and many other places the half of the synagogue's they have the Star of David it's way before David by the way but nevertheless there's a beautiful interpretation of the Star of David is that the the female and the male they are these triangles and the female represents the triangle it's called the straight triangle the triangle that goes up and the male represents the upside-down triangle and each one they're identical if you turn them around it's two identical triangles but they're completely different they're completely completely different and when you try to put them together you see that they're completely upside-down completely opposite but if you put them together in harmony together they feet fit and they they become perfection so the husband and the wife is always gonna be opposites they're all gonna be always going to be different they're always gonna be from completely different places in the beginning when there's a little bit of love in the air then you don't so much see the faults before in love you get excited but after suddenly the cloud moves and oh my gosh what did I do so the point is that I have to understand that my other half is if I work in world and it becomes perfection it does become perfection now as this is all said that when the when the for the person is born then the soul is about to take the plunge down to the world then this angel will cut the soul in half female part of the soul will go to the female the male part of the soul will go to the male and one will fall in London another one will fall in New York one for this family that family and then they start growing and moving and learning and and they're looking for each other here and there and there now you have to to find how many how am i bringing this connection together now if you're looking it from the spiritual point of view then you need to know how to refine yourself how to elevate yourself to the point where you are not applicable but rather you are ready for the other half to be brought to you so this is one very large portion of the problem of most people is that spiritually they're not holding on the level they're supposed to hold and the result will be that it's very hard for them to find the other half now going back to the question that we asked before is it free choice do I have control over finding my other half or not maybe it's fate because in one way we're saying that it depends on my actions and if I'm spiritually elevated and I'm supposed to I'm doing what I'm supposed to do then I'm it will be easier to find the other half but it doesn't work so well because there are there's a place in the Talmud specifically in tracted SOTA in the beginning of the tracted Stern Tana his name is Rachel acacia and he says that a person receives his other half based on his actions his or her that's what the Talmud says comes a different time that'll be you do it you'll be a Buddha and says that's not true because we know that 40 days before the person is born it's already announced in Xiamen but Polonia been pruning this her is gonna get married with him it's ready announced so how's that how is that corresponding how is that working that that in one way it depends on my actions and another way it depends already it's already decided it's predestined so one of the answers that we have is that people are looking for the other half in the wrong in the wrong level and I have to understand that a lot of it is depending on my spiritual level and a lot of the the problems is that I'm not looking to the person in the right level and sometimes I'm in a certain level spiritually I'm only talking about spiritually I'm not talking about right now your academic background or your financial state and this is not what I'm talking about I'm only talking about the spiritual level where I'm holding and could be that I am holding in a certain level and my wife is not and I'll give you an example for my own life when I became observant and I was looking for my wife then after I found her I was already pretty pretty much observant that was already in yeshiva I had a beard when I met my wife one of our first dates I dropped her off we didn't even go to eat we were just sitting and talking after that I told them very hungry is there anywhere around here to eat she told me go to that restaurant I walked into the restaurant wasn't even a kosher restaurant well I'm like what why am i doing here later on I told her why you sent me to that restaurant oh no it's just it's a good restaurant no I tell the buddies not even kosher oh I was like what's gonna marry me Oh lei lei later on I mean it was pretty obvious to us that we're we're a match later on when we were already more dating I believe it was even after we got engaged at some point I came to my Rebbe and I told him I don't know if this this relationship is going to work and he tells me why yes then I told him because I'm in a much higher spiritual level than her now I thought I'm gonna get a good feedback from my rabbi Wow it's very important that you're in the same level and this and that instead of getting good feedback from my rabbi he almost beat me up he told me how dare you say that you're in a much higher level than her who do you think you are to say that I'm in a much more spiritual level than her I'm much more observant than her oh he gave me a piece of his mind so and which I was like okay okay I'm stepping back but in my mind I felt that in my mind a much higher spiritual level than her because I was already in yeshiva I was fully observing Shabbat my strictness and kosher was in a very high level and she was still much much lower so in the beginning I was like okay you know it's cute but then I was like no this is gonna be a problem because I'm much more advanced than her instead of seeing that you know what maybe I'm here to elevate her and at some point maybe she had a later start at some point she'll either catch up or maybe even pass but with that said a lot of the times I'm holding myself in a certain spiritual level and that's what I look for and there's a very good chance that your other half is much more observant than you and that's why you can't find the other half because your standards are here and that person is here and that person that poor person is sitting and waiting for you to get your act together and they don't understand where is my other half if somebody could just tell them well right now they're not really observing Shabbat like you and right now they're not in the level of kashrut of of supervision in in kosher diet like you and so forth so you have to also understand that a lot of the times you are the one who's causing the the the the the other half not to be found because that person is already in the right level and you're the one who's dragging baby behind and it's you that needs to step it up so to say there's a story like a parable to kind of understand kind of understand that because when it looked my a lot of people looking for the other half they're looking in the wrong level so the story goes at one time a person myth meets his friend and he sees his friend wearing a beautiful shirt wow did you get that beautiful shirt oh I got it in that mall down the street really oh I love that shirt and he says I want to get myself one like that he goes to the mall and he walks on the first floor and all he sees her are our stores for shoes for toys for stationary food you can find one store of clothes it's like what did my friend sent me here there's not even one one store that sells shirts here it goes back to his friend and tells him I don't understand you send me to that mall I didn't find one one a store there so I tells him which floor were you looking at he's like when I was looking on the ground floor he's like well it's on the second floor so he went back to the mall and needless to say went to the second floor and the entire second floor was just clothing stores so he was looking for the store in the wrong floor so he could find it and all needed to do is go one step higher one floor up and finally oh that's where I find the match so many times we see that we I mean when you're looking for the other half the person is looking in the wrong Department in the wrong level and that's where it comes to interpret that it depends on my actions yes it's already predestined who I'm gonna get married but I can mess it up I can schlep it a year and another year and another another year and at some points Hashem says okay I see you're not stepping it up it's time for me to match you with somebody else and that person was somebody else you don't want to miss miss your other half I know it sounds very devastating and what am I gonna find my other half that doesn't matter the collage people can find to you whoever you want wherever he wants but nevertheless the point we want to take from that spiritually that I see I see with my own eyes in the last 15 years when I deal with a lot of people they're looking for the other half they're not in the level where they're supposed to be spiritually they need to step it up they need to grow spiritually and that's when they find the other half because their actions like I said before there are two opinions the man opinion says it's really predestined Goodin if it's predestined I'll just sit and do nothing no but the other prince is no but it also depends on your actions and your actions is where you holding spiritually and if you raise yourself to a spiritual level to a higher level then then that's when you're opening another a whole new opportunity to find your other half now in general you know when people go on dates there are different things that a lot of people ask me what should I look in when I go to and in a day to another person what should I look in the other person there's usually a few rules rules of thumb that one should remember when they go on an owner on a date because usually people go with very high expectations not long ago same thing I said with one of our students he's not a young man he's in his late 40s and he needless to say not in a good place he's waiting to get married he can find his other half and he started learning we have a Shiva for have a Shiva for older men and women's seminary for older women not old like 90 but older because usually go to she with the kids there are not 20 years old even though we have in our yeshiva an 84 year old man learning its imagine and I'm like a kid there everybody's in their 50s and 60s and whenever the same with their with the ladies but nevertheless he was asking maybe you can find one of the ladies in their women's seminary and I said okay you know any special requests she must be five point six feet excuse me and if she's 5.5 know if she's 5.5 you don't want her nope told me 49 years old you don't want a 5.5 girl no sorry to tell you I can't help you I can't help you why that's not nice you're supposed to help me I said I'm not supposed to do anything you have to help yourself if you're giving me such a condition if she's smaller shorter I know it's a nice way to saying it she's not 5.6 what do you go here in London by meters nobody their feet feet said I don't understand if she's 5.4 and if she's 2 pounds over the weight they're not accepting her and he a very persistent racist no she has to be told I'm tall I says I'm also very tall and my wife is very not tall you think when I went to to the shots Anita I told her how I'm and what I'm expecting when I went on dates and somebody asked me what are you looking for I said I'm looking for my other half nobody but how what are you looking for I said it the first time I'm looking for my other half you want her tall short fat skinny intelligent I don't care what she is whatever she comes that's how I'm gonna take her I think I'm gonna design her and if she's not in the same academic level that I'm expecting I'm not gonna marry her and if she's not exactly how I want blue eyes and blonde hair and small eyebrows and she the way she's gonna come that's how I'm going to accept it and when I was going on on dates and you know the first person that matched me up he says would you go out with a woman she's not so young she's divorced and she has a child do you want to go out no oh yeah sure of course why not and he's like you don't mind I said no I don't mind why why would I mind if she's my other half so what if she's divorced she so what if you're the child did yes I don't want a child I don't wanna raise somebody else's child but if she's my other half do I have an option here I'm only gonna push her away because she's not in the exact description of what I want and I went on the date then in my mind I was like listen if that's my other half my other half has to come in a package that she's divorced with a child and with the record she came I said well I'm not so perfect myself so she can also look at me since I don't know he's not so attractive so my attitude was like I'm gonna take whatever shrimp thinks is right for me whether it's exactly how I like it or not that's my problem and that's where I lose because most people instead of saying you know on a sham just give me what's good for me that comes with too much demands if she's not like this if he's not like that there and so this man I told him I'm sorry to tell you I'm not gonna be the one who helps you because I cannot match your help you match if you coming in tell me if she's lower than 5.6 I don't wanna and she's chief she's and then of course he had more demands he's 49 she has she has to be not or older than 28 I said why would a 26 year old girl look at a 49 year old man and she wants a 28 year old man a 32 why would she look at you no offense you're a brilliant guy you're smart you thought why would she look at you why would I go to a 26 year old girl tell her I have a man for you he has a cane and and now she must have kids I said but it's easy and I I couldn't get down to the where everybody's talking about and again it's not about hurting anybody or laughing at somebody I just could not understand I told him I don't understand why don't you just tell me just find me a good lady just find me somebody with a good heart whether she's old older younger five point six five point one who cares what are you gonna go and in the day instead of measuring her I'm sorry to tell you're missing three quarters of an inch you got to go home so it's very important I know it's very funny and I know it's not because it's true it's true and it's sad because a lot of people they have this image and and and if it's not a hundred percent then you're not willing to to to give in you know I lived in New York I was in touch with a very special rabbi fortunately passed away few years ago he was known to be the matchmaker everybody went to him and he had such a cool attitude before the date he was so nice he would go and prepare the man and the woman separately of course and he had this funny attitude that he would take the man and then take the woman and he would stand in front of them in front of with them in front of the mirror and he would tell them you know you're very intelligent and you're very attractive Laura tell him all sorts of good things and then before he would send them off he would Pat them on the message as well you know that great now let's see now you can go to the to the dates don't think you'd that great so yes I understand that you also known a big Mattia so but nevertheless when I'm already approaching to the date needless to say that I I have to have some type of and some types of a definition what I'm looking for I'm not going to just go out blindly but it's extremely important that that's how I see that first of all look at the character trysts character traits of the person not on the external part external part is also very important has to be attraction has to be that you like the person how they look doesn't have to be Miss Universe or mr. universe has to be attraction there's no question here no attraction don't even continue because if there's not gonna be a traction physical attraction it will never work but the first and most important is you look at the internal part the me--don't they're characteristic of the person the person is kind and loving and charitable and gentle and whatever it is that that you see that that's what we're gonna be a good fit for you don't look so much as the external part needless to say that you want to make sure that the person has a level of attraction I'm of god-fearing and and and and even if you're not in a such a high level you still want the person to have it even a higher level than you if the person doesn't have you notch Emine god-fearing there's not much more to work with because I see so many people that they get married and the difference in in their service to rush em they don't match and then when you start growing and growing and growing that person doesn't grow with you now needless to say it has to be that the conversation is very pleasant that you accommodate each other you that there has to be some compatibility you can just go blindly in okay whatever shem sends me that's it i'll take the first one has to be has to be a combative combated compatibility and never and of course the external part is very very important to has to be attraction and they have to like how the person looks doesn't have to be that you have to like every shirt that the person is wearing this is some people say is that you know i everything is good but i'm not so happy with the wardrobe okay so buy a new wardrobe what's the big deal that's the that's what's gonna stop you from getting married because you don't like the taste of a shirt well nevertheless i always like looking at the spiritual aspect of it the physical aspect of it is that i have to understand that if i have a wife or husband predestined i have to accept her or him how they come and i cannot come and put a whole list of demands and says if it doesn't fit all this list i don't want to even go on the date has to be a lot of giving in and a lot of flexibility here you have to understand what is the one that they cannot boca wants for you not what you necessarily want because usually what you want is based on opinions based on on how you grew up based on what your your subconsciousness is feeding you from what it was fed for many years and and usually it's wrong because like i said before we grow in society so society sells you're in different societies as if the person doesn't have academic degree you marry and sometimes people that's what the stock and in a different society if it's in a more observing certain or if you didn't finish your Shiva twelve years and and that's where you see something that society it tells you what you need and it's totally wrong and I had a student like that a lady and she for many years she couldn't get married and one of her standards he has to be academic and I kept telling her but what if your husband is a plumber but he's an amazing man and a good-hearted man and a hard worker and he's gonna be an amazing father and he's gonna be an amazing husband he's not a doctor no he has to be academic and I told her for years you're never gonna find your other half because I think your other half is a electrician or a mechanic or there's nothing wrong with being a plumber and and and and there was one person he was a co truck driver and I know it sounds funny it's not he was the sweetest man in the world so loving so caring so thoughtful and I always look at I said that's her other half and he would come to my classes with dirty hands and a little bit of rough he looked a little bit rough but inside such a teddy bear well now it said he looked like a you know a tow truck driver rough strong guy and a couple times when I told her I think that's your husband oh no no don't even think about that and and sure enough it took many many years and she still doesn't get it and I still they're both not married and they're both in their late 40s I think he's already in his 50s and I every time I see her and tell her you know that's your other half no don't even think about it I said well I'm sorry to tell you might die by yourself cuz you're not willing to settle for a tow truck driver but do you know how you makes a lot of money by the way and tow trucks make a lot of money I don't care I don't care so this is what you see sometimes people are so sealed in their mind is so set on something and where is it coming from from society it was already fed through her mind from an early stage that she has to marry somebody with an academic background and that's where you see the mistake and this is one example out of many a lot of people they have they're locked on something and they can get married and sometimes you have to let go would you locked on I recently heard such an amazing story it's not exactly fits this example but it comes to tell you how sometimes you let go something that you locked on there was a young man it's true story by the way a young man and he couldn't get married brilliant young man he was studying in yeshiva for many many years all his friends get married and he can't get married and the reason why he couldn't get married he had a very big scar here on his face but in a very not attractive way and and he couldn't get married long story short he felt that every woman that comes to the date she's kind of brushing him off because this big scar on his face and he tried to hide it and whatever he tried constantly to hide the scar one time he went to one of the greatest rappers in our generation I love Haim can escape and he asked for a blessing and he says I can't get married so he says why do you think you can get married I see a very fine young man he says I think it's because of my scar so the rabbi told him next time you go on a date you tell the girl why you have this scar this is ok so he goes on a date and I mean it doesn't go on the date yet two months later the matchmaker says I have a girl for you so you know as normal people ask how does she look and the matchmaker says she's gorgeous and he's like gorgeous is not good because I'm I don't look so good and she's probably gonna right away throw me to and and anyways long sir he really didn't wanna go on the day but there was a some pressure and he went on the date and sure enough he comes and he sees this beautiful attractive woman and he sits like this the whole date he doesn't know what to do he's trying to hide the scar at some point he remembers that the rabbi told him tell if the date why you have this scar so of course he very hard for him and he removes the hand at some point and she noticed that she's like looking at it and he tells her listen I know it's very not out of place but I want to tell you why I have this car and he tells there many years ago I was studying in Jerusalem and one night I'm going home and I hear screaming and I see Arab attacking a young girl and he's attacking her and I jumped on him and I was fighting with him the girl ran away and he took out a knife and he sliced my face and he's noticing that the girls with her face down and then she lifts up her head and he sees that her eyes are tearing and he is like doesn't know what to do and the girl tells him I've been looking for years for the man who saved me and she was the girl that he saved and for years she was looking for him he couldn't pick up his head and dates he was you know covering the scar and sure enough it's the scar that what she was looking for the person who who saved her so we see sometimes we're so locked and this is a true story brother I'm not inventing it sometimes we're locked on something and we can let go whether the example that I gave you before that the woman was like he has to be academic or whatever it is and sometimes that's where the the problem is that you can let go of something and say okay my other half is not gonna come in the shape and the form how I was dreaming about how I was building it up how it was in my mind for so many years and you come to one date and another date and that's not the one not the one you have to be very open and not so quick to judge and to really get to let go of these sometimes these little things that are stopping you from being a little bit more open-minded and saying you know maybe that person is the one that fits me and it's not gonna come how I want to it's not gonna come necessarily how I was hoping or how I was dreaming but you have to look one step above you have to locate that person is somebody I can live with for the rest of my life I'd like always the internal things the internal part of things and I always like looking and that's what I was looking in my wife I didn't care how she looks I didn't care she's tall short if she's wider broader on there I didn't care where she came from if she's Ashkenazi she's not she's far I didn't care about anything I just wanted to see the person in front of me and to say is that's the person that's gonna make me a better person is that the person is gonna be my Ezek in Aikido and sure enough when I found her she was more perfect than what I was expecting because I had zero expectations and she came more attractive than I wanted she came everything was perfectly you know what everybody has false everybody keeps coming with baggage there's no such a thing that you're coming into a marriage and everything is perfect there's always gonna be baggage there's always gonna be problems if one part is good the other part will be horrible I know so many people they're breaking off dates because the families like this and the mother is like that and the uncle is this and so what everything is good any type of relationship is always gonna come with a lot of good and also a lot of bad there's no perfect there's no perfection here and you have to really approach that let me see what a shim wants for me it's not what I want for me it all boils down to my ego because I come I approach and what's good for me I wanted to look a certain way I wanted to be a certain a certain way we have very good friends that when when they got married she was looking for a prince charm he attractive money job the whole thing and she found a young attractive man who had a very very very good pair Inasa making very large amount of money every year nice cars everything exactly what she was dreaming but you know there about six years into the marriage he lost his business and everything went down the money the fame the status now with the disaster he couldn't stand the failure so he became very sick mentally and it brought like everything caved down no Hashem she was a smart woman and they're still together and they're going through a lot of challenges but one time she was sitting on our couch crying and she was like in when I got married he was perfect and now I have to take care of him there's no money we lost everything is emotionally and mentally sick and depressed and whatever it is I don't have to go into too many details and she was like look how life just turned around upside down I thought he's gonna take care of me for the rest of my life and I wanted money and being comfortable now I have to take care of him and I have to be the provider I have to take care of a sick individual and I said you see it's I'm happy that you're realizing that life turns around like that and one time a person is here and the next time is here when I got married to my wife I I came with the worst baggage and I came with nothing literally nothing her parents couldn't even want to be meant to see me because I came with nothing and no one with nothing I came with the worst worst of the worst and everybody told her why are you marrying this guy look at what's going on look it's the at the background I'm sure some of you know him and I shared a lot of part other parts of my story and and then and she says I know I'm not looking right now at the presence I see too few steps into the future I see the potential and I see that yeah maybe now it doesn't look so good but I see the material I see what what I what is the potential there and I know what can what will be developed from that and our sages say Ezra haha my weight and a lot who's the smart person that sees what will be born out of a situation and most people they see one step in front of them they don't look many steps after so when you approach to looking for the right person the right person if you're looking at it in a very close view then you're expecting one thing usually it's not going to be that you have to already start developing how is that person going to be in 20 years because a lot of men especially they want the woman to be extremely attractive yeah but she's not gonna be so attractive after three kids and not that I'm saying in a negative way that's what happens women grow more mature I mean I know it sounds like a cliche women local become better with time but I've never been serviced and I have a problem she's gonna get wage isn't going to look so attractive and so what do you think you're marrying a model so a lot of people they're looking at they're not what's now and they don't understand that life can change in one one second life changes I've seen disasters and Families that everything weren't well for ten years and then one of the spouses have a car accident and becomes the disabled and so many things so you have to look more what a Shem fits for you not what you think is the perfect match of course has to be some type of compatibility you have to be attracting attractive attracted to the person has to fit very well I mean but it has to be in a very very flexible way since what does a Shem really think is the best thing for me to come to the to the to the date or to the whole process with a very open mind and say okay let me try to figure out what the Kenosha Boca wants now when you take these two aspects of the physical and the spiritual and you have to question yourself and I am I in the spiritual level and I'm supposed to be maybe not maybe I really have to step it up maybe I'm here and my other half is so high up he's not looking for me he's not gonna find me right now because I'm three steps behind so this is always the highest recommendation is that you always just have to step it up you know a lot of people would they do and I don't I'm not against it and other people will they do is they will pray and pray for 40 days this is you find it many very many in many cases when it comes to marriages we have something that maybe you'll want to get part of it very soon you know that in about two-and-a-half weeks is the Jewish Valentine's too bad and our sages say that there weren't better days for the nation of the Jews like Yom Kippur women too bad it's a very very powerful day I live 20 minutes from the the I don't want to say the word Mecca but the highest point overall the single people go to pray it's a grave called a mukha and people come from all over the world they go to the grave to pray there and then they just to say what miracles people saw there and so in two and a half weeks is the since they allow again I don't like calling it in not the Jewish names but it's like the Valentin day of the of the Jewish very faith you have even fellow ten days here in the England it's just in America yeah it's in England too so whenever the less we invented the Valentine's Day it's too bad this is the day the Hebrews called hagatha the the holiday of love so I know for many people would take a lot of groups there we have a big event going on in two and a half weeks and and we take groups there and I know that many people they'll take on themselves and pray to say for 40 days whether it's to repair like Sheila whether it's super to read the Shabbat I am whether it's through it Potomac poet this is something very common and I'm not against all these things a lot of people what they do is it's too much over all these remedies people just sometimes just looking for remedies give me this give me this give me that hemming hanging hanging reguarly con my head and doing threes and all this it's a nonsense I'm not into the remedies but I am I do support that when a person takes on themselves a change and saying yeah I'm going to add a sermon prayer because the third component that is one of the most important one is the right prayer most people don't pray for what they need they pray that he should have a lot of money they pray that she should be gorgeous that's not not George you need to pray for you need to pray for Shem to find you the right person with all the differences and all the challenges that's going to be coming with it but nevertheless there is a lot of mystical thing specifically in the prayers I do some strongly support that people do pray for that that they take on themselves at the time to pray for the other half because the collage ma who listens to your prayers now amazingly and a lot of people ask me why do people do specifically the 40 days whether it's reading a certain a prayer or Pyrrhic sheila and all our people will deduce it repelling Shahada the song of creation and many other things a lot of people repeat to mock poet the burning of the incense it's different things that people do but why specifically the 40 days so we know that 40 days is a mystical number in Judaism more emotional Baden was on the mountains for 40 days to get the Torah when the kadosh before wanted to purify the world the flood was forty days we just mentioned that forty days before the person is born is already announced who's gonna marry who so why 40 days because the letters in Hebrew they have numerical value and the letter that it's in the men that it's numerical value is 40s the letter men and mem is a the letter in Hebrews called oat mahabhava what is autumn our vote is a letter my vow is that it moves from one place to another now in Hebrew the letters have different meaning the the letter la method is where it's heading to why because you're saying where are you going now I'm going late Tel Aviv I'm going to Tel Aviv where are you going I'm going a little bit Knesset I'm going to bit Knesset salaamed is the letter that takes you somewhere but mem is the letter that causes what's called my eval coming taking you from one place to another place so somebody will ask you in Hebrew where are you coming from I'm coming any balmy air at Israel me yo shal I'm mayavada it's a letter that takes you from one place to another place this one here is called autumn avow a letter that takes you from one place to another so and usually from one place to a higher place so you use the this letter to go from a lower place to a higher place and this is this mem this 14 s that's why specifically there's a Kula remedy I don't like using so much these words but a school of power in the in the number 40 amazingly you see that when does a mother become a mother for the first 40 days there's there's no fetus there I mean there's something there but only after 40 days they they can know the gender whether it's a man a boy or a girl and even Liholiho if the husband shalom the woman has a miscarriage the first 40 days there's nothing there after 40 days Liholiho to the oral law as if there's a boy if it was a male then there's a it affects the P Jonah been the firstborn but nevertheless you see how the words in Hebrew have so accurate words that the word mother in Hebrew is M M is written olives and mmm because name is 40 the first 40 days she's not a mother one day passes after the 40-day is the olive that's it she becomes a mother now when does the father become a father how do you say father in Hebrew of how of is the letter Aleph in the letter bit when does the father becomes of is that one becomes to the father becomes a father when the baby's in the out in the world so based on the Torah the mother the woman becomes a mother in the 40/40 first day the father becomes a father once the baby is out because one became two when Aleph becomes bit and interestingly our sages say that there are three partners for the child god the father and the mother now if you're taking the numerical value of L which is 3 Aleph and bet is 3 and M is 41 you get 44 44 is the numerical value of the word in Hebrew damn damn is blood but if you looking at the the what our sages sage closure shoot off' in bottom three partners are in the creation of adam hashem and then the mother and the father if you're looking at the word Adam so the olive is who's the Aleph Allah for Chanel Amish a Mahad my solution okay no shame Ishod Aleph it goes on a shame what is left in the word Adam removed the olive the dumb the darling in the mem the mother and the father so that's where we get this number 40 so I do highly recommend that people take on themselves okay I'm going to do something now for 40 days and what is this something I'm gonna add now a certain prayer for 40 days now it doesn't mean that a lot of people say okay I'm gonna start observing Shabbat for 40 days well that's only like 7 Shabbat there it's not even it's like 60 I thought how are you gonna then you're gonna stop observing Shabbat it's not what I'm referring to in the spiritual level what I was talking is you want to grow spiritually because there's a very very good chance that your other half is a few steps above you and you're walking around the shopping mall in the first level and he's on the second level he or she so in the spiritual side of it when we were explaining that it depends also on my actions the my actions is my spiritual work and and the way to look at it is yeah you have to bump it up you have to grow spiritually to grow to a much higher level and the and the spiritual part like when we were talking about the destiny then it means that I have to be very humble and I have to say okay what does the Shem have in mind for me and not what I have in mind for me what is the Shem planning for me this way I have to be humble that's why I have to approach the the the she do the date in an open mind and saying you know most likely she or he will not come in the package how I was expecting for the last 40 years so I know how it is my daughter's they're very young they're from my my my daughter when she was three years old already she would get dressed as a bride and then she would take one of the brothers she would put him here you are the groom and then she would take another brother put him here your other rabbi you're officiating the wedding and she would be wearing her white dress and she would run the whole show and so from the age of three already planning how your wedding will be my my my kids already planning their weddings I mean I don't even know where I'm gonna come up with the money I mean the wedding is in 30 years in 20 years my daughter ready she's firing yells I want purple flowers and I want the dress similar like oh my gosh where am I gonna get the money for this dress so I always tell her you better find a rich man because I don't even know where I'm gonna get the money for that type of a wedding so we have expectations from a very low age go into these lists of expectations and negate half of them and throw half of them out of the window because it's it's not healthy to expect that and you know the more you surrender and the more you humble yourself and you give over to the the control to God then you see that she tells you Oh finally you're letting me run the show now I'm gonna send you the perfect person that is the most perfect for you in your opinion it might not be the most perfect but trust me God knows ten times better what is good for you to share in the rest of your life with so this comes on the on the more spirit on the physical level that you have to humble yourself have to surrender more to the will of the Kadosh mahal and the third part of the triangle is what are you doing in regards to prayers because praying is one of the most all the times people ask me advice it tell them pray what I mean pray I pray three times a day well this is not the prayer talking about you have to pray to a shame you have to open your heart and you have to talk to God like your best friend what is on your heart what is bothering you what are you what are your feelings and you pray to a Shem and needless to say it's highly recommended that'll I know a lot of people did they did that that they saw miracles that they would take 40 days to say certain prayer there's different prayers a different prayer take them themselves I know many people what they do is they read the song of creation it's called pillock Sheila it shouldn't take long it's better of course to read it in a bro some people will do the--can ocularly some people will do Potomac to--it some people will do also all them together so this is also it has to be done in the right way can go out of control some people day long they read three hours a day just the readings to be a very healthy healthy balanced so the point you want to take from that is that look at it in three different ways how we explained the the spiritual level that you have to step it up and I know a lot of people saying on now is gonna want me to become more observant yeah because that might be the point that is the the breaking point where that's stopping stopping you from finding the other half because the other half is in a much higher level and from the heavens they're not gonna put you together because you're not in that level so take that to consideration and I always highly recommend ya look in yourself saying where can I become more observant maybe I can become more strict in the laws of culture maybe I can become more strict in the in the my appearance in modesty maybe I should become more observant when it comes to Meatwad whatever it is you know where you holding and needless to say that you yourself know where you kind of don't want to grow because it's your comfort zone most people they don't wanna grow spiritually because it's going to already start stepping over their comfort zone it's not so convenient to dress a certain way or to talk a certain way or to eat a certain way but you know extreme measures extreme times call for extreme actions and I know some people and they say I listen I need to get married I need to find rather have am I wasting another year another year and another year and another year and in some cases you don't know what's the expectations very high chances that Hashem says I'm sorry to tell you you wanna want to find your other half step it up step it up I know you're really doing a lot but step it up even more and you already should talk directly with your spiritual guide your rabbi or your mother if Melissa to see work what do you think I should grow but I always highly recommend that when you make a self assessment of yourself where can I grow more you can find many places that one can add more things in your spiritual service through a Shem and of course the second part the the approaching the date in the right mind frame not to have some so much high expectations not to come with with a list of demands to be much more receptive to see things in a more broaden way and not to focus on something that is so a emanated right now see how things are going to be in ten years how gonna things gonna be in 20 years you know when I was looking for a wife I was looking for a wife but I was also looking for a mother for my kids because I knew my wife is one thing but I'm gonna have kids Bazaar the shame and I need them to have a good mother I don't want to be a single father class official or not single that I'm that I'm divorced or we don't singled and I'm the only the one who's pulling the weight here the other half has to help in many many things has to be my partner not only in the house outside of the house in my business and my spiritual growth I looked constantly forward because I said now is is is one level how is it gonna be in 10 years how is gonna be 15 years I was gonna be 20 years you know not too long ago literally maybe a week or two ago one of my kids pulled one over oh I know how it was we were looking for a picture of my wife's engagement ring I don't even know how we came up to that my daughter was asking me something and I said pull the old albums they blow all their dust from there it's like all the way on the top and we looked at the engagement party and that period of when my wife hear me go engage and we were looking at it I was like wow okay no good look like so young and my wife looks like a little girl and I was like wow other is like five hundred ninety-two years have passed only fifteen years but you look better say wow what change in 15 years and my wife and we were looking at Ellen when I was I could just imagine where we were 15 years ago and where we now how much how much life changed how many scenes how many things went in during our life in 15 years can white write 17 books so don't only look at how it's the situation is right now try to develop your your imagination how it's gonna be in five years I was gonna be in ten years I was gonna be in 40 years is that the person that I want to spend the rest of my life with that the person is gonna make me a much better person is that the person that were ashamed once he's is glad through for me to be with this is gonna be a good mother to my kids is gonna be a a good spouse a friend and other half so I have to take all this to consideration and needless to say to add the third the third and most important is is to pray you have to really pray to our most people don't pray most people don't understand the power of prayer most people they say three and a half prayers and that's it and they're done and praying is modeling the most powerful things to talk to a shame I'm not talking about opening the book and bring chocolate that's amazing you should do that too but with your mouth you take five minutes ten minutes out of your day you isolate yourself from the reality turn your phone off turn your what's up and facebook off and sit for 10 minutes and talk to him and says Shem you know this is the situation I'm sad I'm lonely I'm depressed I'm I'm whatever it is I'm disappointed I'm I'm giving up talk to him and you talk to him every day because Hashem has a very good ear he listens and he listens and you know what he's the only one who actually answers try that put it to action you don't even know how powerful if the the power of prayer is and needless to say that you want to also pray for other people art our sages air may emit a little have a warning Aquila you pray for another person you get answered first very accustomed a lot of people that they start praying they'll pray if they they want to get married they'll start praying for you and for you and for you and for you give me all your names they'll pray for you we have a system in our Institute's that we have a few people that they're praying for other people and we have a whole list later on if you want you can write down on a piece of paper your full name and we have we have certain times and we mention people's names and when we go to the to this spot Mooka we mention names we know a lot of things because why because when you pray for other people then God loves when you pray for other people and our sages say only Pauline will have a Warne not Cielo you pray on another person you'll get answered first so you have a little bit of information tonight to put it into action and the only thing that is left for me to add here is that I will bless you all to find your true true soul mates and the regime should open your eyes in a spiritual way of course that you're going to see things exactly how they are and Ashim should bring your other half directly to you and you should be wise enough to recognize that's the other half that a shame should give you the bina the knowledge the the ability to see the other half in front of you because many people don't see that many people the other half is right in front of them and he's a tow truck driver and they don't want to marry him so shame should bless you to have this extra extra wisdom and to be able to see the blessing that Hashem sends in your direction you should all merit to build a beautiful home a bike near man-beasts rail and the foundations of the Torah should marry to have families and kids and kids and kids and kids and the name of neighbor name all of scheme bottle of Amit's vote and you should make married to build beautiful homes in the nations of Israel and find your true other half that you should take you to your true place of perfection that you can refine yourself and that your marriages should be a base a foundation of success and love and an understanding Messala shame a shame should bless you all two very very soon at the right time find your other half and and and be blessed with everything that Hashem can give her from his unlimited hands and generosity and I hope to get many many many wedding invitations in the next couple months in a couple years I can't promise I'm gonna make it to all the weddings but I do try my best to show up to my students weddings that's when I came the first time here to London is for one of my students wedding so the Met I bless you all with great success great happiness and that Hashem should bless you too next time that I see or you come to me with an engagement ring or at least with a wedding invitation and I will gladly accept any good news coming in any form of the way you can email it to me you can mail it to me can send a plane in the sky saying I got engaged whatever it is as long as you all get married and live happily and grow spiritually emotionally and physically and busily Shama shrimp should bless you all McCormick's or call me a dog about to ha Donna Lella : you [Music]