Should I deal with toxic family relationships? - Rabbi Alon Anava

so you kind of answered yourself okay up until this year every year I would do I lived in America so I did two saders one of them would be just my family doesn't matter the first or the second but one would be just me my wife and the kids and nobody else and it was the best s ever and if there America fardi been New York with Los Angeles so almost any family has some toxic when you put them all together so in something so holy and special like like L said you say I'll keep the toxic part for the barbecue on and the S I'm going to make something special now in Israel you only have one so you you keep the toxic meal to the to the H barbecue if you're in America so you say okay one of them is just the family even if insult people you know listen you can't make everybody happy ever so you you can do it in a very diplomatic way and you can you know always find a loophole now if you're in the same hotel that's a little bit harder than when you live somewhere and you're saying we're invited so you know listen you are you you can't make anybody happy 100% but spiritually you want to have at least one night that it's you your husband the kids and it's powerful and it's uniting and special and no screaming and No Nonsense you want to have it anyways listen if People's personality is like you say that you don't want to get them hurt they're going to get hurt doesn't matter what you're going to do that's a personality so you do what's good for you and what's good for your family Dynamics and for the spirituality for your kids that will grow with this s for the rest of their life and the person that can't hold their anger will still get upset at you doesn't matter what you're going to do so you just maneuver it that the damage is as minimal as possible but spiritually the way it's going to affect the family Dynamics is priceless so you know like I said every family has their issues so I make sure that when it's suspicious times that I know it's going to directly affect the the close part of the family then I make sure okay so I have to make some other people not so happy but I some times have to be a little bit selfish and think of my own personal family and you want to do it with as least damage as possible and as with much is as possible and to know that not everybody's going to always be happy happy how do you say Troopers that's part of the the fun what when you don't know what God really wants you to do nobody knows what God really let's say for if my husband wants to invite his parents who don't keep that real s and I know they will have their toxic remarks let's say so it's kib of his his kib or listen when it comes to K is a very big mitvah but if it comes on the account of doing the opposite of what God tells you then you don't have to do the kib if a person no but will have those toxic remarks at the S it's not that they will do something culture but they will have those remarks there's no black and white because so you can look at it in two ways one way you can look at it that if you will invite them maybe it will affect them and something positive will come out of it so the toxic remarks you turn your head around but sometimes you can look at it the dka if they will come the the the reaction is going to be negative so sometimes better not to come that's why he says you have to see what's going to be the result if the end result is going to be positive but on the way the journey is not going to be 100% so you're saying I'll sacrifice the journey because the result is positive but if Shalom the result is negative then why should I sacrifice the way if the result anyways is going to be negative unfortunately there's no black and white answers to any situation because you have to say the way how I look at it is what's going to be the results I I try to look what's going to be the end results of what's going to happen right now and if the end result is going to be positive so even if the RO the road is not or the journey is not or the process is not okay I have to do that that's my neish But ultimately ultimately is the result and if the result same thing with you if the result is going to be not good so what's the point and again you have to kind of weigh the pros and the cons what's going to be positive okay sometimes nothing is 100% And if I'm going to cause now somebody to observe the the holiday because I'm inviting them and I have to tolerate a few remarks so I'll tolerate the remarks but that person will do a Mitzvah yeah it's like somebody not too long ago one of my father's best friends's daughter came to visit New York where I live and she called me like a day or two before K and she tells me I want to spend yum kipur the right way now this is a secular girl I was like wow I have an opportunity now to host a secular girl to do yam kipur the right way and then she came with a condition but I have to bring my dog with me told her what the dog the dog is not Jewish he doesn't need to keep y a problem with the dog sh that was the condition that wasn't a problem with the dog the condition condition was that she has to bring the dog with her now in my mind I'm like I don't want her to bring a dog you know it's a holy day I don't need a dog between my legs now anyways the point was she came with the dog that wasn't the point because the bottom line was like what's more important me being particular now with a little animal or me taking now a girl that is not going to observe the Y Kip if I don't take her and if she comes I'll make sure that she fasts and she's going to go to the besset and hear the chaar and do it the right way so I'll suffer the dog Asma some people will be like NOP the dog is not coming I don't care so how I see it is what's going to be the result if the result is positive is the result what really what's what wants then I'll suffer the journey and if it's not sometimes M it's not according to what I want okay it's not always about me but not all the case it's right because in some cases you know if the situation is too toxic and the result is going to be negative to don't start this is every so sometimes the result is the sanity of the family and sometimes the result is what the child is going to remember for the rest of their lives my grandmother till the day she died when she was 92 years old always oh I remember how my zi used to do this and just to do that stuck engraved in her mind what the Z used to do so sometimes it's not about you know you know the the immediate results sometimes it's what's going to be Generations so one needs to do an analogy what's going to be the result and if the result is going to be according to the does that also apply to like if you want to invite somebody for a Shabbat meal but they won't stay and they're going to drive and according first of all according to Al you can't invite them you can just tell you can directly invite them if you know they're going to drive to your home you cannot tell them please come to my Shabbat meal you can tell them listen we're having a Shabbat meal my pleasure we'll see you right after P you can't tell a person directly to come to your house on Shabbat you can say what I tell guests or people I tell them Friday night meal is at 8 Shabbat meal is at one we have amazing food and great hospitality and the wine is unbelievable that's it you want to come come you don't want to come don't come so in essence I want them to come cuz I want them to enjoy the Shabbat meal hear some Tor eat koser food listen to Kid I want them to come but you know I you know my table sometimes in our Shabbat table is like a feast 30 40 people every Shabbat half of them are not religious I'm more interested to bring the ones who are not religious so I see some of them texting under the table they going out turning on the lights you know and some people tell me look look look he's texting he's doing this I'm like he's going to text whether it's he in my home or somewhere else he's still going to text I rather him text in my table and It Go of food and he hear some Tor then to text now in a club so of course want them to come but you know you have to you have to know how to do it you can't invite somebody directly to your Shabbat meal but you want to to to say it in a way that you that they will know that you want them to come but you can't directly invite somebody oh please come to my Shabbat meal and it's at 2:00 blah blah blah you can tell the person before Shabbat listen I know you're going to drive and it's Shabbat and I can't be f I have to tell you yes it's desecrating Shabbat you do whatever you want you're an adult the Tor says you're not allowed to drive on shabat but if you have nowhere to eat we having our meal at 1 it will be nice to have you etc etc you have to be very careful with how you say things cuz dka with Shabbat you can't get caught with your words because then Shalom you you you have part of the shabat so you have to be very particular how you say things but yeah you want to have people on your Shabbat table cuz you want them to eat kood and he K and see you know my wife when she grew up she was totally not religious and she saw said that one of the things that most arouse the desire in her to be religious is the Shabbat meals that she used to go to families and see what a what the beauty around the table and she was 16 and 17 and she says I want to have this one day so yeah you want to bring people to you because the power of Shabbat does penetrate you have to be very particular how you're inviting the people it's not so simple so she cooks for 40 and how does she know if she cooks for 20 or for 40 what do you mean you never know how many people you're going to have at your table oh no she she she runs the the the the Shabbat table I I don't interfere she knows who comes as she does know look if there's another three people four people you know if if you ser if the soup is like this if it's 203 people 30 people the thing is the heart is not that big so she knows who's coming somebody tags along another friend it's not the end of the world but but you know on the same idea we have a habit that once a month we don't have guests it's just a family yes it's a very big mitvah to have guests and and to to to to do yeah but once a month we we don't have guest it's just a family it's just me my wife my kids my kids get attention because when we have guest what what attention can I give my kids here and there so sometimes you have to know when you have to do sacrifice and sometimes when it's time to to do hashem's will everything is aem's will even giving you know your kids the right time is also aem's will you have to do everything you know how they say nothing comes so simple and easy