Shalom Bayit - Peace in the home - How to attain it - Rabbi Alon Anava

We all We all want a happy life. Unfortunately, some people have they perceive the happiness in their life is based on on nonsense. Some people think that if they drive a Mercedes, they'll have a happy life. And some people think that if they go twice a year on a cruise, they have a happy life. But unfortunately, the reality is that we run after different pleasures and after a certain amount of time of disappointment but not getting these pleasures or even that I get what I thought would give me pleasure and then I found out that it's actually not giving me pleasure then I fall into a a disappointment. I get disappointed. But we were created with a system that we constantly want to have pleasure. That's how we created. Before you ask me why didn't God create us with a system that we just want to do good so God created us the same way that the body has a DNA, we have a DNA to our soul. And God creating us created us with a system that we constantly want to have pleasure. We are creature that needs pleasure. So we constantly run after this pleasure. The problem is that in this world there's a misconception what is pleasure. So when I grow up and I glued to a screen and all day long my opinions are based on what the screen is showing me then my perception of the The is distorted. So I think that if I have a lot of money, that will bring me pleasure. And I think that if I have a beautiful car, that will bring me pleasure. And I think that if I travel around the world, it will bring me pleasure. And I, unfortunately, our generation is programmed by the screen, and I perceive that what my life should be is what the screen shows. And that's the reality. And a lot of people are looking at me like, "What is he talking about?" But that's the reality. That our generation, and the generation before, and the generation before, constantly was looking at the screen. So, 50 years ago, it was a very small screen, and it was without colors. Now, it's a very big screen, and has colors. But the reality is that for about 50-60 years, we are glued to screens. And unfortunately, the industry, the industry of the screens, is an industry of fake dreams. So, and this is called Hollywood. I just came from Los Angeles. The the land of fake dreams. So, we look only long at the screen, because we want to shut our our problems down. We don't want to deal with life right now. So, I glue myself to a screen. And then the screen is starting to plant in my subconscious a bunch of junk. So, kids look at the screen, and they think it's normal to be violent, or I want to be a hero, because the guy on the screen, he's the hero, but he has to beat everybody up to be the hero, and then he will win the beautiful girl. So, the the whole stories that we see since we're young, it's paving our subconscious. And our entire reality is based on this fake reality that we are being programmed. Our fashion, our thoughts, everything. So, even if the screen is not in your home, then you have these big screens on the sidewalk, on these big billboards. And a lot of people think that the billboards Oh, who's looking at the billboard? You don't need to look at the billboard. Just by the fact that it's in your view, your eyes register everything and goes into your subconscious. Like now you have this the election. Everywhere you go, you see these signs everywhere. One might say, who's looking at the sign? I'm really going to vote for a president from a sign? No, but just the colors It's a very smart psychology in all the campaign. The colors and the names and the flashing is feeding my subconscious. And when I come to make my decision, my decision is already based on my my my subconscious. 90% of my conscious is subconscious. 5% is I don't even use it and 5% is my conscious. But we constantly and we totally operate by our subconscious. That's why what we hear, what we hear what we see, who we talk to, every little thing, where I live, is constantly registering data in my subconscious. So, with that said, most of us are brought up with a screen, a box in my living room and in my bedroom and everywhere we go there's a screen and a big majority of the day most human beings are glued to that screen. Doesn't matter what they choose to see, but they're glued to a screen. Are you referring to TV? TV, iPad, iPhone, doesn't matter what. Anything that has a screen, a computer, anything that you're looking at a screen like a zombie like this for 2 hours. Somebody talks to you. You need to go and make to the bathroom. No, no, no, I'll wait cuz I'm now glued to the screen. So, it matter what shape the screen comes in. Like this, like that, like this. It doesn't matter. We are glued to screens. Just and just understanding the impurity that's in the screen, and just if you just have to take something out of today, then just understand that the screens have a very strong power of impurity. But, that's not what I want to talk about. I want to talk about relationships and marriage. And unfortunately, most people, their understanding of marriage and any type of relationship is because of what they saw in the screen for 40 years. So, people think you ask now a 2-year-old, well, 2-year-old is not going to answer you. A 10-year-old, what do they think what is marriage? Oh, we're going to be holding hands all day long, and we're going to walk into the sunset together, and before we go to bed, we're going to kiss each other and say, "I love you so much." And cuz that's what they see on the screen. That the husband has to be a very muscular man, and he smokes, and he's macho, and he beats everybody up, so the woman falls into his hands. And in the mind of the man, she has to be gorgeous with luscious long hair, and that's what we see on the screen. You do not see on a screen a movie of a fat guy, bald, and his wife is is, you know, in the kitchen washing dishes. That's not what the screen shows you. So, what we perceive from the screens is totally distorted. So, we think that a happy life is if I have a convertible car, and if I have a yacht, and then I go on vacations, and I wear beautiful suits, cuz that's what we see on the screens, the successful people. And then I run after that. 99% of people will never get it. And then I fall into depression and sadness, and I'm I'm a failure. I didn't do this, I didn't do that, because I'm trying to achieve something that is not even in my scope and I think that my happiness will come from these things. Going back to the screen. The screen runs the show. And the problem in our generation that now the screens are everywhere. When I grew up, it was a little box in the TV in the living room that barely had colors. Now even the little kids they have screens. Everybody has a screen. Every normal home has seven of them. Big ones, nice ones. With nice sounds. And now it's in our hands and it's in our car and it's in the room and it's in the office. It's just screens all day long all day long you're looking at screens. And the screen is holding the most powerful power of impurity. That's regardless to the topic. But going back we as kids we have two role models of what marriage should be. The screen that everything is perfect and then my parents that everything is not perfect. And then I have a big issue here. In the screen the marriage is very nice. And in reality it's not. What's going on here? So I choose to believe in the screen. The reality is that we grow up and we kind of get programmed how things should be. That's why young people when they approach the time of dating then they come with a completely distorted idea of who's my other half. And they come with like list of demands. So young people when they come to me and then they tell me maybe help me find my other half. Okay, well what are you looking for? Minimum 180,000 a year. Minimum. 6.1 minimum this minimum this. If she's 5.7 and not 5.8 don't even tell don't I don't want to see her even. And if she's like this or like that, if she's 97 lbs, not 95 lbs, I don't want to meet her. Why? Because it's a very long list of demands. The reality is that when you go through the list of demand of a young person, that doesn't exist even. That creature doesn't exist. That's why when a lot of people come to me and they tell me, you know, maybe help me with the shidduch, and we go through the list, I look at the list, I tell them I'm very sorry, that person doesn't exist. It does It does exist before the marriage and then it Yeah, but in reality, that person doesn't exist. The problem is that we approach the marriage with a dream, with something that we want to happen, and with an ego inflated like a balloon. So, these are the two problems right now, that I came into the marriage with a list of demands and a very big ego, that I deserve everything. What happens is that the child grows up. I mean, everybody dreams of their marriage. My 3-year-old, she gets dressed up, puts all sorts of shmatas on her. And then she takes like a little flower, and then she calls my 5-year-old, and she's like, you're the you're the husband, stand here. No, no, no, stand here. No, go go give me this. She bosses him around. You're the husband. No, you're not a good husband. She calls my 8-year-old. Now, you're the husband. Stand here. Now, you have to carry me. Now, you have to do this. So, she's already in her mind already, she's already getting married. She's 3 years old. And she's bossing around the husband already. She didn't even get married, she's already bossing him around. And she is the husband Yeah. So, the 5-year-old is like, no, no, no, I'm not going to be bossed around. You I'm divorcing you. You go take your brother. You go take your brother, you can boss him around. So, the the 8-year-old is a nicer guy, so she bosses him around. But the point is that she's already playing the the when she's is 3 years old. Now, my children don't have the screen, so they they already lost 90% of the poison. Now, it's up to me and my wife to show her and the rest of the kids what is marriage about. Now, marriage is not about holding hands, and marriage about is not kissing, and not about walking into a sunset or sitting on a cruise with a champagne with your hands like that. That's only in the movies. Or before the wedding. I don't know any couple that drinks the wine like this with the wife. I don't do it with my wife. Just just take your bottle or cup, give me my cup, let's drink it. I don't need to do it with my hands now like It doesn't work like that. Who wants holding hands? It's sticky and it's sweaty. I love you. Stand next to me. I don't need to hold your hand. You know, it's like you know, here What do you have? You're at 20°. Who holds hands? It's all sweaty. So, our understanding of marriage is very wrong, very distorted. Marriage is to refine me. That's why I said, when you come with a list of a demands and a big ego, you have two major problems. First of all, remove the demands. Second of all, pop the ego, then come approach to the wedding, to the marriage. The Torah tells us very clearly that we were created for the sake of creating unity by two opposites. That's the entire Torah in one sentence. Taking two opposites and creating unity in them. That's it. You open the siddur, every mitzvah, every prayer before you say, what do you say? For the sake of unifying the male and the female part of the The Shekinah is the female part and Kutz Brihu. That's it. The Torah was created to do unity. Everything in the Torah is to take these two opposites and to make them live together. And you see that right when the Torah started was Adam and Hava. In the beginning they were together. They were glued. The Zohar says Adam was in the front, Hava was in the back. They were glued. But then Hashem says, "What's the point here? What type of uh challenge I'm going to have here? Let me separate them. Let me put in each one of them different opinions, different desires, different thoughts. Let me make them completely different. Now let me put them together." And you see that the first commandment that God gave us very simple. He didn't tell us right away to put feeling or to keep Shabbat. He told us be fruitful and multiply. Pru urvu. Get together and bring more kids to the world. That's the first commandment. Only 2,000 years later we started getting commandments. For 2,000 years concentrate on your marriage. Now the story in the Torah is that Adam Harishon was created, then Hava was created, then the story with the sin. Then Adam got so upset, he dumped Hava. 130 years he gave her a get. "I don't want you. Move away. You made me sin." 130 years he was by himself and then he went back came back to her. He did chuva and they got they went to a marriage counseling and the guy told them, "Make peace. Forgive her. Forgive him. Hold hands, kiss, and move on into the sunset and we have a world to create. Forgive each other." So Adam Harishon forgave her and she forgave him and they kissed and made up and everything was good. The point is that the Torah is teaching us that one of the main reasons why we were created is marriage. All the mitzvot are important. Learning Torah is very important. But the marriage is the core for everything. Because from the marriage, first of all, I do something very godly by taking two separate entities and putting them together. And with that, I'm able to bring another generation. That's what why God created the world for so many years. When you think about it, you could create the world for 100 years. Why do we need 6,000 years? Give 100 years, let me finish it here, and that's it. The point was the constant recreating another generation, another generation, another generation, another generation. And that is only can be done with marriage. That's why the first commandment in the Torah is get married and be multiple and be fruitful. The Zohar says that a person before he gets married, he's half a person. Pal Gagufa, half of half of half half a body. Once you get married, then you're already a whole man body. The Zohar says that before the soul comes down to the world, the man and the wife is the same soul. It's one soul. Before it's ready to come down to the world, there's a special angel that cuts the soul in half. The female part of the soul goes into the woman, the male parts of the soul goes into the man. Then one falls into Phoenix, one falls into New York, and then after 20 years, 25 years, somebody makes a shidduch, they see each other, oh, a spark, and then they decide to get married. Listen to the questions in the end if you don't mind, okay? And assuming that they're getting married the right way, meaning that the process from the first date till the chuppah is kosher, meaning that they don't touch each other while they're dating, they don't have relations while they're dating, and many other things, then they get into a chuppah and the chuppah is kosher. Just so you know, 90% of the chuppahs in America are not kosher. 90% of the people in America are not married, really, because the chuppah is not kosher. So they're not really married. And I have an album, a wedding album of over 700 couples that we got them remarried because they weren't married. Excuse me? Of course. Couples come to me for marriage counseling and they tell me, you know, we have problems in our marriage. The first question is I ask them, are you married? Of course we're married. Look, I have a nice ring. Well, a ring costs a thousand dollars. Are you really married? Of course we're married. Here we have a wedding album. You're not answering my question. Are you married? Yeah, we're in a chuppah. That doesn't mean you're married. The problem is that in order for the marriage to be for the marriage for the chuppah to be valid, the chuppah has to be kosher. If you have one witness that is not kosher, the marriage is is a void. There's no marriage there. Now, if the the the witness, one of them is not kosher, he doesn't keep Shabbat. Not a valid witness. There's no marriage. Now, you're living with a woman and you're not really married to her. Now, in America in Israel it doesn't work like that because the rabbinate, the rabbinical authorities in Israel, they don't allow things like that. They're very strict in Israel. They do a background check. They want to make sure you're Jewish. The the rabbi that officiates the wedding has to be registered in the rabbinate. He has to be a knowledgeable enough to make sure the witnesses are kosher. You know, half of the witnesses in a in weddings in America is relatives. My I want my uncle cuz if I don't give my uncle he's going to be upset. And it has to be my brother. You got to don't give it to my brother, he's going to be upset. A relative cannot be a witness. There's a whole list of things what makes the witness valid or not valid. So, in Israel you barely have that problem because in Israel the rabbinate, the rabbinical authority, is very thorough. In America they they do it. Half of the weddings are done by a woman or form or conservative or whatever, all sorts of inventions. And even the Orthodox ones, there's sometimes they say, "Listen, we have a very big problem here in America." And that's something that I ran into about 12 years ago when my wife's best friend got married. And she invited us to the wedding, and she asked my wife to be a witness. My wife is like, "I can't be a witness. A man has to be a witness." No, no, no, we're not doing it Orthodox. So, my wife is like, "What do you mean you're not doing Orthodox? What other ways to do it? You either get married like the Torah says, "K'dat Moshe b'Yisrael." It doesn't say "K'dat I don't know what Yechiel." It says "K'dat Moshe" like the Torah says. No, no, no, we're we're having a woman and she's officiating it, blah, blah, blah. So, I told my wife, "Listen, first of all, we can't even go to the wedding. You can't stand in the chuppah there, they're mocking the Torah." So, I went to my rabbi and I told him, "Tell me, should I interfere in this wedding and tell them, 'Listen, you're not doing it the right way, and it has to be the right way, has to be kosher witnesses, and you have to do the right way.'" So, my rabbi told me, "Don't interfere. Don't don't go." And I said, "Yeah, but the now they're going to really not going to be married, and the result will be that every time they're together, they're sinning cuz they're not married. So, they're doing one of the worst sins in in the book. A man and a woman that are not married are together. And the man who I'm talking about, I'm talking about in the home. So, he says, "Just leave it alone." And I was like, "Why? I don't understand it. You're telling me now to ignore such a severe thing?" So, he told me, "Listen, if they're not particular and they don't care getting married the right way, they will not be particular or care if it comes to a divorce. Now, if let's say hypothetically they got married the right way, then they're going to get divorced. The husband is not going to care about a get. The woman is not going to care about a get. A get is a is a a certificate that the husband has to give the woman in order to like to release her from the marriage. Now, if they don't care about the religion and you marry them the right way, they're going to get divorced. They're not going to care about a get. So, they're going to go now and she's going to marry a new man. He's going to marry a new woman. They're going to have kids now. These kids are mamzerim. And that's a very severe thing. A mamzer is a bastard. I mean, I know here in America it's a curse, but a mamzer is a child that was born to a a marriage that that that for a couple that they're married to somebody else. And this is a very severe sin and it's a sin and a very severe problem in Israel cuz A, you can't track the mamzerim. You can't track them. And it doesn't get annulled even. So, my rabbi told me, "Better them sinning all their life and not taking the chance that maybe they'll be a mamzer down the line. Maybe they'll do teshuvah. They'll get remarried." That's why many of the Orthodox rabbis in America they're not so particular just because of that. So, the reality is that 90% of the marriage in America they're not valid. They're not real marriages. And people who come to me to marriage counseling, the first thing I tell them, "Did you really get married?" Of course. So, then they bring me your ketubah. Who's your witnesses? Oh, no, my uncle. That's it. He's not a witness. Your ketubah is void. You have to get remarried. They don't have to do another whole party. Go to the Beit Din. Fill in a new ketubah. Bring in two witnesses. Say, "I love you." And that's it. And you're remarried. It takes 5 minutes. But now there's holiness in the relationship. 90% of the marriages that they don't work is because the connection was not done the right way. Take now a screw in a piece of wood. And if you screw it 1 mm a little bit crooked, then the screw goes in, all the way in, but it's a little bit crooked and a little bit point a little bit the edge is pointing out and it's annoying you. It's like not straight. It went in, but not the right way. Same thing, a marriage can get together, but it's not screwed the right way. It's a little bit crooked. And this little piece that is crooked is causing all the problems. Like a little thorn in your in your heel. You can't step on your heel, so you're limping. So it all starts already how it the connection was done. If you backtrack it even more is how was the time of the dating. 99% of the couples before they were married, they were already together. That already messes everything up. Because she was prohibited on you. You're not allowed to be together when you're not married. So you already created one problem before the wedding was already done. Then you have to do to work out for that and repair that. Because what it does, forget about the sin right now, it brings a certain certain impurity on the couple. So what happens is, how they say in America, a black cat went between them. Black cats are not There's nothing wrong with black cats. They're just the same as gray cats. It's total nonsense. But they say a black cat They have all sorts of things, you know, I don't know. People believe in all sorts of nonsense. Uh people call me sometimes and they they go to such details. Somebody called me not too long ago cuz I told them, you know, that nothing in this world happens without a divine providence. Everything has a meaning to that. So this guy took it so serious. He calls me every 2 days, don't ask. I saw a bird flying sideways and it landed on Nonsense. So people think, you know, that a black cat went between the the couple and now now they have problems. There's no problems with cats. The problem is that sometimes the connection was done not the right way based on the Torah so there's some type of a friction between the couple. Because exactly how you said, before the wedding everything is perfect. He's my hero. She's my queen. I love you. I love you. All day long I love you. Two minutes after the wedding, get away from here. Why are you throwing thing on the floor? Pick up your underwear. The reality is that till the wedding the couple is prohibited to touch each other, to be with each other. That's why in the Orthodox circles you go on a few dates, you see that it's the right one, that's it. You call the wedding two months later and in the meantime they separate. Not to be this is a big temptation. I want to be next to her. I want to hold her hand. But it's not the right time. She's prohibited. In Hebrew it's called asura. She's not allowed to. But if you look at the bracha under the chuppah it says matir asurot. He he he you reverse it now. Now she's arusa. Now she's engaged to me. Now in the olden days they used to do the engagement about a year. They used to do the erusin, wait about a year or two. Sometimes they used to do the erusin when the kids are like 14, 15 and couple years later they do already the marriage. They already got signed the contract. Nowadays we do the erusin and the shidduch and the and the kiddushin the same time. We do it right after the other. But the point is that even the process to the wedding is extremely important. So most of the couples that have problems in their shalom bayit you have to backtrack 60 years, 40 years, 30 years to how was the dating process. Because if the couple were together physically that's already putting some type of a screen between them because it was done in a very impure way. So there's now a a shade, a shield of impurity. Then comes of course the chuppah. What happens in the chuppah? The souls that I said before it's one soul, the v'chatan angel cuts it in half, one falls into the woman, one falls into the man, and then they walk around the world and then they meet each other, and then there's some type of an attraction. Why? Because I have a spark that belongs to my wife, and my wife recognizes in me the spark that belongs to her. Like a long lost thing, I lost it, and then you see it. You have this spark, the special spark. Unfortunately in this world, especially in our generation, our body is so coarse, and our souls covered with so many layers of impurity and sins, that I get confused with the spark. So, what attracts me is not necessarily the real spark, is the how the body looks, or how shiny the car is, or how much zeros I have in the bank account. So, the spark that attracts me is the wrong spark. That's why people now in our generation and previous generation they go on dates, I don't know. I don't know. He's cute, but he's this. She's nice, but she's that. This uncertainty. Why? Cuz there's some type of a confusion. But assuming everything was done right, that there is an attraction with most couples, there's a certain attraction. Because their souls recognize each other and then they go into the huppah. And now what happens in the huppah? Assuming that it's a kosher huppah, the souls the two souls together in seven stitches, corresponding to the seven spirits that we have, corresponding to the seven days of creation, corresponding to the seven powers of the soul. That's why the girl turns around the town for seven times. All the rituals, it's not an invention, it's not some prehistoric custom. There's mystical explanations for every little thing that happens in the huppah. That's why they say the huppah is the most important day of the person. They say in what are the most the two most important days and most happiest days of a person's life? His wedding, he or she, and his death. People think it's the birthday. No, it's the wedding day and the death day. The day that you die cuz that's the day that you complete your journey. Now, if the huppah is done the right way, the couples are kosher, didn't touch each other, everything is good, the kosher the huppah is kosher, right witnesses, everything is done the right way, the Kadosh Baruch Hu sews the souls together. And then the connection is 100% custom fit, perfectly sitting perfect. Now, a different from what I said before is before I said that you come with a list of demands and an ego. The problem is that the list of demands is based on all sorts of misconceptions and bad education. The reality is that in my other half, we call it the other half is the complete opposite. My other half is complete opposite from me. So, if I'm looking for something according to my my list, I'll never find that person. Cuz I want blue eyes, she's going to have brown eyes. I like a tall one, I'm going to get a short one. Cuz it's my complete opposite. There is going to be some things that are parallel to be have some type of attraction and some time of being parallel, but the reality is that my other half is my mirror. Now, if you're looking at the mirror, if I'm looking now at the mirror, if I smile to the mirror, then the mirror will smile back at me, the guy in the mirror. Right? If I frown to the mirror, then the guy in the mirror will frown to me. But look at something amazing. If I raise my hand to the mirror, I raise my right hand, you know the guy in the mirror, he raises his left hand. Cuz that's my other half. It's an opposite. So, I will get reflections getting back from the mirror when it comes to certain actions, but with other actions, it's the complete opposite. That's my other half. My other half is my mirror. She came to correct me. He came to correct you. That's how it is. That's why when the created Adam and Hava, first of all, they were one cuz he said, "Okay, I'm going to make a perfect creation." Then Adam Rishon brought all the animals to him to name them cuz Adam Rishon it's not like this old man that's running naked in in in a in a garden. People think that Adam and Hava these two guys uh you know, running naked in and and you know, eating grapes. Adam Rishon was a was was a pillar of light. It wasn't like what we imagine. But he was in such a high level that he would sit and brought to him all the animals and he started naming the animals cuz he saw the godly power in them and he was able to name them. But Adam Rishon got very upset cuz he saw that every animal has a mate. And he's like, "How come I don't have a mate?" You know, in Hebrew most of the animals, the female and the male has different names. I don't know exactly how it is in English. In English you also have it. But in some of the animals. In Hebrew most of the animals, the male and the female is different names. So Adam Rishon they got all the animals and then he saw that they all have mates and he's like, "Hey, that's not fair. I also want a mate." So the decided to put him to sleep, take a rib out and the whole story. And then he created him Hava. Which her name originally was it wasn't Hava. But the thing is that it says in the maybe just in there the problem there's already a problem. Because if the foundation is not strong, the whole building will collapse. Now we opened a yeshiva for women in in in spot. So we got a big building and the lawyer told me you must get an engineer to check the building. Said building looks uh looks a good building. He's like, "Yeah, but you don't know how the foundation is." Maybe the guy painted the house, the building real nice, and it looks all good. Maybe the foundation is all rotten. And you're going to find now that all the the the the poles, they need to be reins- re-instructed or however they make it strong, reinforced. You have to check. You have to invest the money in the engineer to go and check it. So, we get an engineer, and he goes and he checks the walls, the foundations, the everything. And then then the engineer comes and says, "Strong foundation. Don't worry. This building is standing for another 500 years. Oh, let's move to the deal." If mouth in my if my foundation in marriage is all Shaky. shaky, the whole building will collapse at some point. Either it will constantly shake, so then my marriage is not stable, or it will collapse. Couple years ago, there's a there was a very small earthquake in New York. Very, very small. And suddenly we felt our building like shaking. And and and my wife is like, "What's going on?" I told her, "It's probably it's an earthquake." And we're like shaking from side to side. And she's like freaking out, and I'm like, "What? This is so cool! Like, we're moving from side to side." She's like, "This is not cool, cuz the whole building can fall." So, when something is very loose, at some point it might fall down and break. Sometimes no. Sometimes there you know, it's very flexible. It can move it here and there. But the reality is that first of all, I have to have a very strong foundation. And this strong strong foundation is only built based on what the Torah teaches us, cuz the Torah is the foundation. So, if there wasn't involved the Torah in my relationship, you have to backtrack, and you have to fix it. Like, you have to now how what's the word? Reinforce? You have to reinforce now the foundation. So, if I did it my wife for 2 years, and we lived together, and we were been together physically, then I have to do chuvah for that, because it's now one one of my poles is not strong. So if according to this if if you get the worst, you don't have to give she doesn't you don't have to give get. Is is that the case? If the marriage was 100% not valid, there's there's no get here. I have a student that her husband was abusing her. Severe abuse. Everybody told her stick with him, he's nice, he's this and I told her leave him. Leave him. He's abusing you. So she told me he'll never give me a get. So I said okay, let's see if you're even married. Maybe you're not married. So we found out that she's not married. I told her just pack your bag and leave. You're not married. You don't need a get. So if the marriage is not right not kosher, there's no get here. The rabbi is not going to even tell you to give a get. But when you go to get a get, when you go to the be din, the rabbi tells you bring me the ketubah. Let me see if you're even married. Let me see what's going on. But yes, if there's no marriage, you don't need a get. But but the point is that you have to check it cuz sometimes When a woman and a man start living together and they create kids, they exchange energies, they become connected. So I think it still should be Yeah, even if you think they don't need it but No, no, the thing is The thing is I have many many couples and I'm sure I'm not judging anyone. Many couples, yeah, they weren't observing, they don't know anything, they live together, they were together, then they got married. Not judging anyone. I'm I'm just saying But the energy exchange between husband and wife, even if they're not married properly The Of course Of course, that's why I gave the analogy with the screw. Yeah, they still need a get, otherwise this energy Oh no, that Okay, that's a whole different thing. I I I In order to give a get, has to be a valid wedding. That's it. Doesn't matter how much energy and how much love and how many kids. That's the biblical part of it. That's the rabbinical law that if there was a kosher marriage, has to be a kosher get. That's it. But with a couple that they lived together and there's kids and all that, there of course there's a connection. That's the analogy I gave with the screw that it goes all the way in, but it's crooked and something is like sticking out and annoying. See, most of us is married back in Russia. So, how we know if it's kosher or not kosher? It's very simple. You ask you whoever remembers, do you remember who was your witnesses? Yeah, of course. But we not mean as a kosher like it is this days. Okay, so you go to the Beit Din and you bring two witnesses and you make a new ketubah and you tell your life your wife you love her and you give her a kiss and buy her coffee in Starbucks and that's it. And it takes 5 minutes. That's all it takes. You don't need a chuppah, you don't need nothing. You need to go Wait, wait, let's do the questions and when I finish cuz I want to finish and then you can ask me whatever you want. The point is that you don't need a chuppah, you don't need anything. You need to go to the rabbi. It can be in his home. It doesn't have to be in the Beit Din. You need a rabbi, you need two witnesses and you need a ketubah. That's it. Two witnesses? Two witnesses. The witness has to be a kosher witness. Meaning it has to be shomer Shabbat. He can't be a thief. That's a big thing. A lot of people, you know, they don't really check. But you want to have a God-fearing Jew that is shomer Shabbat. He's not a thief. He doesn't He doesn't cheat on his wife. Sorry that I'm saying it like that. And you have to have two kosher ones. They cannot be related to each other and I cannot be related to you or your husband. That's it. 5 minute thing. The rabbi writes the ketubah. He gives you the thing to do the kinyan. Shalom Aleichem and everything is good. It doesn't matter I said America. Yeah, it's also Russia, it's Canada, it's anywhere. The thing is that some people tell me, "Listen, my marriage is fine. I don't buy what you're saying." Your marriage is fine? Fine. We're not talking about the ones that our marriage are fine. The reality is that spiritually it's not good because if the couple is not married the right way, then every time they're together there's a sin. So, a 5-minute act 5-minute act guarantees to you that at least when you're with your wife there's no sins, even if you have the best marriage ever. And I have a couple like that. They told me, "Our We have a very good marriage. We understand each other. I tolerate her. She tolerates me. Everything is good." I told him, "You still have to do that because you every time you're together, according to the Torah, you're sinning." In the beginning they're like, "What? No, nonsense, nonsense." I told him, "What do you care? 5 minutes. 5 minutes sign the document." What do you need to come now to the world the world to come after 120 years and they'll tell you, "Listen what a bag of sins you have cuz every time you were with your wife, you weren't even married to her." So, I'm more talking about the ones who have problems cuz I'm trying to make an analysis. Where do I have a problem? If I have a a couple that all they have is they're kissing and hugging, that's not an issue. Let them have a happy life. I'm talking about the couples which unfortunately is the most of the couples that they're not happy in their marriage. Now, some couples it's fire. That's one issue. Another problem is, that's how I started the lecture, we only want to be happy. Some couples they might not fight, but they're not happy. He's in his room. She's in her room. They go to separate vacations. Everything is separate. Shut up. I'll eat with me. With myself you're They're together, but they're not happy. Or deep down inside maybe there's a conversation, not happy. And what do you know what it causes? The eyes to start go going at somewhere else. Maybe that is better. Maybe here is better. The point is, that's why I started the lecture by saying that we all constantly we're seeking for this happiness, for this pleasure. The pleasure will only come from a stable and good home, marriage, kids. That's what's going to bring me pleasure. I can have five Mercedes outside. If I'm fighting with my wife all day long, doesn't matter how fancy my car is. It's not going to make me happy. It won't make me happy for 2 minutes. The problem in our life that we constantly seeking this happiness in this pleasure, we can't find it in the right place cuz it requires us hard work. So, I look for it in the easy way out. So, I'll go to a good restaurant. So, I'm happy for an hour. That's it. So, I'll go to a vacation. I'll be happy for a week. I'll buy a new car, a nicer one with more gadgets. So, I'll be happy for a month. Then I get used to the car, then I'm stuck with the car for 3 years. So, I'm constantly searching, how am I going to feed myself to be a little bit more happy? But I'm buying these very short gratifications. The real happiness has nothing to do with all these things. I mean, there's nothing wrong with having a nice car. Don't get me wrong. You want to have a nice car? Go ahead. You want to have a nice home? Fine. Fine. There's nothing wrong with that. But that's not the source of happiness. What's going to bring me happiness is in my home. Is when I come home, how are you? When I come home all upset, oh, now I have to see her face again. And now she's going to start complaining, why did you leave the toothbrush outside? And why did you leave a mess? And why did you do this? And why did you didn't go to pray? And why? And why? Oh, leave me alone. That's not happiness. I can come home with a million dollar check. If I just heard that, it's not happiness. What kind of a happiness when I have kids running around the house, fighting, answering back to me? Even worse than that, then I see them dating a non-Jewish person, not coming to shul. I see see so many fathers saying, "Please come to the shul with me. What am I asking? Once a week, just come with me." No. And what type of happiness you get when your son comes home? Yes, uh yes, yes father. How can I help? It's in the heart. That's the happiness. It's right in your home. So, we don't need to to go much more about where the happiness is. The happiness is in my home. And everything is my home. My home is my sanctuary, is my mikdash, is my is my temple. But that we know already. I want to try to psychoanalyze how I'm getting to that. So, first we talked about the spiritual part before the went marriage and during the huppah. That's one thing. You have to make your own analogy. And it's very very simple to make a quickly a new a new document. I'm not exaggerating, 5 minutes. Doesn't cost money. You don't have to do a party. No need of grading this. You know what? I actually have a a couple. They're in their 60s. She got a nice dress. They made it nice. She got all excited and she sent me a picture with her flowers and the dress and Okay, fine. You want to be romantic, fine. Good. That's not the point. But you want to correct that. Then the next thing is only the ego. Only the ego. And the point is that if you wake up in the morning and you look in the mirror and you and you say in the mirror I'm not that great. What is wrong with me? Then you start the day the right way. You know there's a joke and I hope there's no Polish people in the crowd, but they joke about Polish women and they say, you know what a Polish woman does when she wakes up in the morning? She looks in the mirror and she says, he deserves it. So And by the way, in Hebrew it sounds much more funnier. I hope there's no Polish people here, especially not in the viewers. And nothing against the Polish people. My wife is Polish. So, my father keeps telling me, "Magia lecha, you deserve it." So You know, Kadosh Baruch Hu gives everybody what they deserve. But the joke is that she looks in the mirror, she sees a cloth and she says, "Magia he deserves it." So, the point is is to look in the mirror in the morning and say, "I'm not so good." No, of course you want to say I deserve something. I'm not that great. I also have issues. I'm also not so nice. I'm not so organized. I do this. I snore. I I make noises when I eat. The food is falling here and You know, the has such a funny sense of humor that he puts in front of you exactly the things that really annoy you. If you get annoyed from somebody popping balloon from the gum, your wife will pop balloons all day long. And that's how it is. Not during the dating. During the dating, mouth is closed. I would tell my wife, "Why don't you tell me that when you were dating? Why didn't you do this when you were dating?" No, I wanted you to impress you. The wait wait with the questions in a minute. The point is the funny sense of humor and he puts in front of us exactly what I need to refine cuz my wife is my mirror. When I lift up my right hand, she has to lift up her left hand. So, I can perceive it as a complete opposite. But no, my wife came to complete me. So, if I have to work, if I have an issue with anger, I have to admit it and my wife will be the one who's going to help me work on my anger. And if I don't allow her to help me, the anger will go out on her and I'm stuck with my anger. And if I have an issue with patience, I can't I lose it very easily, my wife is going to be the one who's going to be the mirror who's going to show me how impatient I am. And if I have ego, my anger and impatience will go out on her. Instead of saying to her, "Thank you, my dear. Thank you so much for showing me How many people do that?" Yeah. Who comes to his wife and says, "Thank you so much for telling me I'm a slob. I love you." Hold on hold on, questions in a minute. I know you have a lot of questions. The point is that we want to strive to get to the best relationship ever. Why? Because this is my ultimate joy. This is my main reason why I came to this world. Is to create unity in two separate two things that are separate. Needless to say that if I do my job right, I'm designing the next generation. If I'm going to bring flowers to my wife on every Shabbat, most likely my kids my boys will buy their wives flowers on every Shabbat. And if I respect my wife, most likely my boys will respect my wife. That's how it is. Cuz the kids see a role model. Yes, they have the screen that gives all sorts of junk in their head, but they also see the reality. Now, if the reality overpowers the screen and they see a very good relationship then the kid goes in his subconscious that it's not normal to scream at my at the at the wife or it's not normal to humiliate her. All those are the things that if the kid sees it then it becomes normal to him. So, I have a double responsibility. A, for myself. B, for how my kid is looking at me. If my kid is looking at me respecting my wife telling her nice things, complimenting her, thank you so much, the meal is amazing even though it's horrible it's amazing. I appreciate your hard work. The point is that the entire relationship is based on false the least false expectations and a very big ego. If you remove these two things then most likely your marriage is going to be I'm not saying you're going to be all day long have hearts flying over your head. That's not marriage. People think that marriage is all the time they're hugging and they're kissing. No, marriage is hard work. And if I do it the right way, I'm the one who benefits from it. Yeah, it's constantly going to be another struggle and another struggle and another struggle. That's marriage. But if I approach it with no expectations and I accept that the other half is my mirror and I remove my ego, most likely my marriage will be successful and at some point I will be very happy cuz it's calm. It's not going to be a storm. I'm going to have a little bit of choppy waves. That's it. Which is fine. You need some excitement. You need a little bit of uh fire. The point is that you want to concentrate on all these things. And one last thing, the name in Hebrew man is ish and you write it aleph yod shin. A woman in Hebrew is ishah. Aleph shin heh. Now, if you put the Kadosh Baruchu in between the husband and the wife, putting the Kadosh Baruchu between the husband and wife means that I live my life like what the Torah tells me. Meaning they say that man has three partners, the mother, the father, and God. So, God has to be in between. If God is in between my marriage, meaning that I'm honest and I'm faithful and I don't curse or cheat and curse and all these things and I bring the kedushah into my home, my home is holy. Everything is holy in the home. The Kadosh Baruchu is between me and my wife, then we are ish and an ishah. And we have the the letters of the Kadosh Baruchu, yod keh. The yod of the ish and the heh of the ishah. But if you take the Kadosh Baruchu out of the equation, then you leave You take the yod out of the ish and you take the heh out of the ishah, you're left with esh, with fire. Both in the women and the men, aleph shin. So, you must have the Kadosh Baruch Hu in the relationship. And you must follow what the Torah tells you. And if you don't, most likely there's going to be only fire. And fire and fire makes a bigger flame and a bigger flame. And fire kind of, you know, it's it doesn't fight each other. Fire joins each other, but makes it worse. So, the last thing one needs to put into the marriage is make sure that the house is holy, that the mind is holy, that the relationship is based what the Torah says. If the Torah tells me that when my wife is in her cycle, we don't touch each other. So, 2 weeks you hold up you sleep in a different bed. Good vacation. I like that time. All right, don't have to squeeze in a bed. I'm on cover. And more than that, the Torah tells me exactly what it needs to do. The Torah comes to teach me how I bring the Kedusha into my home. So, Bezrat Hashem, what you need to take from this short class is that all the ultimate happiness comes within. And the ultimate happen- the ultimate happiness starts in my home. And then it will manifest out. Needless to say that my entire Bracha comes only if the marriage is good. And a lot of people say, "My marriage is bad and I have a lot of money." Imagine how much money you would have if the marriage would be good would be good. And Bracha is not only money, but the Bracha only can come only can come when there's peace in the home. If there's no peace in the home, there's no Bracha in anything. It says in a Bracha Shura Ela Badavar She'einbo Shumnazek. And you know, you know when when there's nothing holy to hold the Bracha, the Bracha cannot dwell in it. So, the entire Bracha for Chinuch of Hayeladim, the education of the kids, for Parnassa, for everything comes only from the the unity and the holiness in the home. So, Bezrat Hashem, what you need to take from that is to understand that my ultimate happiness can only come from one major thing. Okay, a lot of people can argue and say, "Yeah, but I can be also happy when I have money, and I can be happy when I have this, and I" Yes, I'm not negating. You can find happiness in many different places. But the foundation and the core of happiness is a happy home. A happy home is a happy wife. A happy wife is a happy husband. Happy kids, everything is happy. You don't need a lot of money, but when you have the in the home, by default you have the financial stuff. And if you don't, then that means that that's what the wants right now. It says there was Who is the rich person? The one who's happy with what he has. You don't need to have a lot of zeros in your bank account to be happy. You can have a little bit of money and be very happy with it. With what you have. So, ultimately we want to reach the ultimate happiness, and we want we have to work for that. It's hard work. Marriage is hard work. Don't think that marriage is not hard work. Marriage is a very hard job, but you do it the right way, then you gain everything that you wish for yourself. If you take notes from this class and you start applying it, you'll start to slowly slowly put pieces together. Doesn't take overnight. But if you have the right approach, then you know how to start dealing with it. And the first and most important, just get the ego out. Start communicating in the right and healthy way. That will by default start building one block after the other. And the result from that, the will will dwell between you, will dwell in the house, and with that will come in an abundance of stuff. Of it, and and of the kids, and happiness, and health, and everything else will just will be delivered. So, I wish you great success. From this day on, you approach the marriage in a completely different angle. You appreciate your wife. You appreciate your husband. You compliment each other, you share the love, you understand each other, you learn from each other. This is the basics from everything and the met the most important is the of the the kid what the kids see. But ultimate from that we all want one thing at the end of the day and that's coming the coming of Messiah. And the ultimate marriage is between us as the Jews and the Jewish people. And if I practice a kosher marriage in my ready home, I'm just making sure and ensuring that the ultimate marriage between us and the Jewish people is hastened. And it all starts in in the home. It says make me a dwelling place and I will dwell in you. Make me make me a temple. So you make your house a temple a to dwell in. Our people is already going to come in. And with that we're going to see the coming of Messiah should happen very speedy in our days. We should from here move on to Israel with joy. Have a beautiful holiday. And a beautiful with God's help. I hope you can all come with me. Have a good year and a good year. And a beautiful successful year. And now with God's help and now you can start your interrogation. I have a question. Let's say a husband or wife it doesn't matter. Someone one of them is wants to go to the right path which is the Torah and the mitzvah in the house. And the other part of the house is resisting. And And the the husband or the wife they learn you know they grow and and the other one doesn't do as much. Maybe they try but not as much. And how do you deal with it? Do you stop the other half from learning? Or or that person wants to stop himself because he wants to be in the same level her husband, not to grow as much because it it I understand. like a struggle, you know? I understand. The The thing is that first of all, there's no black and white answer because every couple is different. One husband will would not want to play along cuz he's afraid that if he starts, it will require for him to be more observant. One One doesn't care. One doesn't want to be more observant cuz he says, "Oh, now I Once a month I can be with my wife. This I can't eat this. The Everyone has a different thing. The thing is that this is unfortunate, but every human being has to deal with some type of hardship. One person has to deal with very bad parnassa. Business is not working out, lost of money, all sorts of things. One person deals with a problem with a kid. Another person deals with health problems. Everybody has to deal with something. We all We all have to deal with at least two three things that are very very hard for us, and that is called an essayon, a test. And each one gets it different. Some people, unfortunately, their essayon is exactly what you're saying. That one person is more observant, and they want to grow, and the other one is not tagging along. It's a very big test. Not Not everybody have it, but a lot of people do have it. Now, the answer is there's no black and white answer because depends why the other other half doesn't want to tag along. There's different answers for that. Some of the times, it's the person just doesn't want to because he's like, "I don't want to be religious. It doesn't interest me even." That's a very big essayon to the one who is religious because how do you deal with that? Another person Each one has his ulterior ulterior motives what causes him not to want to be part of it. Ultimately, it's all an essayon. It's an It's an essayon. It's a test to see how you reacting because a lot of people what happens in a situation like that they lose their faith. They say oh I'm becoming so religious and now my a shame is giving me a husband that doesn't want to and you and you the person totally lose their faith and they go back. The test is for example in that particular case is if you go how are you going to react if you're going to still going to love the husband if you're going to still going to keep Shabbat. Unfortunately there's not a black and white answer because each and each couple is completely completely different. Sometimes the one who's religious is more opposing it on the person and the person doesn't like to be opposed. Like let me do it my way. Let me do it my pass. Sometimes the other end more religious one you know is not putting enough pressure not demanding too much it's it's so many different types. The point to take from that is the first of all it's a nice day on it's a test. It's a test to see if you will be upset at the assuming you're the one who's more striving to grow and the husband is the one who doesn't then your test is to see if it will affect your serving of God. If you're going to be if the situation let's say even if it's not going to change let's say it's me it's not affecting my relationship what if I'm just taking a wisdom and saying hey if it's bringing a shame on my problem in my house maybe I should hold on and not grow as much that's that's why the question if it's bringing an issue to the house that's why I said that the answer is there's not a black and white answer because it depends a 100% on the couple because I have many couples that come like that and each one gets a completely different answer. So if it's individual if it's personal to you then better to talk personal and you give me all information and then I can give you a more clear answer. To give a general answer, it's not going to be applicable to you because it's totally different to her or her or her. The The bottom line is it's a big nitzayon. And And the in most cases the the one who's more observant has to pull the one who's observant and it might take that person 40 years to do that. That's might be the nitzayon. It's a matter Same thing with dealing with a child that doesn't want to be observant. It's a different This is a relationship.