How do I convince my spouse to make Aliya? We don't see eye to eye - Rabbi Alon Anava

[Music] when you when you are um debating between moving on from from what you're saying the materialism to a different lifestyle which could be Israel but you have a family but your inside is saying go go go you know keep them go where to Israel to Israel oh okay so who's the depends who's the family not not a big family it depends if the family is a husband if it's cousins if it's kids yeah know is a husband and well and it's uh and it's the son that's my family right now my immediate family and they don't want to go no in a minute just in a minute and I say well for me the minute has been 30 years so you're asking how to convince your husband and son to go how can you say okay yeah I'm on my way yeah this is your truth and this is his truth and how can it work you're married and how come when we married you have one that has his truth and one that doesn't have the same truth on how to comb doesn't want to see it or scared scared thing is like this are they knives are they you the thing is that a husband and wife are a perfect fit customade the real husband and wife not the 90% of the couples that get married here in North America based on how much zeros in the bank account but the real marriage it's a custom fit it's the same soul it's the same soul that before it comes down to the world there's a certain angel that cuts the soul in half and one part of the Soul goes into the female and one parts of the Soul goes into the male and then one Falls in San Diego one Falls in Los Angeles or New York and all their life they go around and whoop they meet in a bar a good a good tequila and that's it Shalom that's the problem that's the problem is when they meet in the bar so is this real life that's that's the reality if they're lucky they will meet because unfortunately tomorrow we having a very interesting lecture about this topic in in laay the the topic of the lecture is fishing the right soulmate because people go out in the dating world and they're trying to fish in their mind the right soulmate it's not the right soulmate because just today just this week when I came I spoke to a young lady and she was talking to me about the shid and she was like he has these qualities that qualities how do I know and the reality is that usually the Kosh will give you your other half that is everything you don't want that's usually the case because your other half is your other half he's not going to have what you have he's going to have the complete opposite if you may you take in electricity two minuses there's not going to be a good a good result you take two pluses there's not going to be any result you need a plus and a minus because everything in this world has to have what's called a friction that's how it works you can take now the match and you can take the parts I don't know how you call it in English where you strike the match put them now here nothing's going to happen you have to have a a friction in Hebrew it's called so same thing with the soulmates you put them separately nothing's going to happen they have to be opposites and then they have to have friction constantly that's why physically not friction in a negative way friction means like uh rubbing each other in different ways that's why you see that the ultimate unity between a husband and wife is a physical Unity CU they have to be connected in some way but then they separated connected separated so ultimately your other half is the complete opposite now if the connection is done the right way then there usually they see eye to eye the problem is that 9 99% of the couples the connection is not done the right way so you might not relate with it some men will maybe relate with it you take now two plates metal plates and try to screw them if the screw goes a little bit 1 mm crook it doesn't sit well the screw doesn't go in well it's in it's holding it but it's not 100% men men may will more relate with it you take two pieces of wood and you drill a a screw if the screw is 1 mm crooked it's all going in crooked and the woods they're not 100% parallel they're holding so the same thing if the connection between the husband and wife initially was not done 100% the right way something things are going to be crooked in the connection a screw is going to be popping out here here is going to be not aligned and then the couple they don't see eye to eye it's friction constantly the negative friction problem in the schom they one one person wants to pull here the other person wants to pull here it's not that they're not sometimes it's not the other half and then there's two different opinions and that's why it never works out but if it's the real other half what happens it's two souls two bodies one soul and then they meet now it starts already at the time of the dating that's why according to the Torah when you date you're not allow to touch no touching because when you touch something and it doesn't belong to you at the wrong at the wrong time there going to be a problem it's going to be a short circuit it's why according to the the Tora not to touch not all to touch at all touching not talking about having relations touching why because the woman before she's married to the husband she she's prohibited look at the that we read under the now she's not prohibited anymore now she's mine now there's a connection so it starts already the dating process that's why unfortunately even the couples that are out the other half and they were dating before the marriage and I'm not judging anyone I was like that myself too but they're together before the wedding it causes a lot of problems throughout the we the connection is not sitting very well there's constantly fights not they don't love each other don't like each other they don't see eye to eye in the past there's too much too much cuts and then of course it goes into the entire relationship before the wedding now if you're talking about a secular couple you know the entire process till the wedding it's all messed up and I'm not saying it inom to judge anyone I'm just painting the situation and then it comes to Thea Thea is not done the right way it's not a real wedding you can love each other till eternity Thea is not a show everything you do in the K there's a mystical reason for that because at the time of Thea and the husband and wife are together standing next to each other that's when the Kosh takes the soul and SS them together so if the is not koser then the connection there's no connection and 90% of the couples in America they're not really married koser 90% 90% of the Jewish couples in America they're not really married why because they w't particular that Thea will be kosher now if the K is not Kosher they can have you know beautiful wedding beautiful everything but they're not really married Hally so forget about the right now mystically the soul is not sitting well together now there's a big problem in the United States with weddings because first of all half of the people they get married CI civil and if they don't get married civil then they do a reformed K or conservative K and the Witnesses are not Kosher and all everything is not Kosher in the K so then there's not a real marriage now many rabbis in our generation they don't want to interfere in that cuz I first approached when I first saw this problem is my wife's best friend got married and they had a reform wedding so they had a woman associ making the wedding and then they she asked my wife to be the witness my wife is like what I can't be a witness you know and the friend was like oh you know so and my wife was like in fact I can't even be in the K I can't even attend the ceremony anyway so I went to my Rabbi at the time was 12 years years ago and I told him should I go and try to educate them and tell them that what they're doing is wrong he says you know better just leave it alone go to the wedding don't attend Thea you're know allow to attend Thea but you can be in the party and and but don't do anything and I said why there isn't that isn't that there's you're not allowed to put an obstacle in front of a blind person he says I'll tell you what's the problem here if they don't care right now how the is going to be done then if Shalom they get divorced they're not going to care about a get now if they did a real HOA and now they get divorced and they don't care about a get then they go both separate and then they both get remarried and both have kids and these kids are M and this is much worse because you can't track it I don't even know how you say A M I think a m is a bastard bastard so and that's wedding was in America yeah yeah so he told me better not to even interfere better them not being married and you have to understand when the cup is not really married every time they're together it's a sin they're together intercourse it's a sin it's a severe sin so it's a it's a very big problem so many rabbis in our generation especially in in America in Israel you don't have this problem because in Israel the raban is strict now they're finding all these loopholes in Israel people go to get married in Cyprus and now they're bringing a new B into is whole Bagan but the last 50 years who had this problem in Israel theut is like if you're not doing it the right way you're not getting you're not giving your certificate so in Israel they don't have this problem in America is the problem because there you know most of the wedings here they don't really care if it's done the right way so the result from that that a husband and wife can be the real other half but spiritually they're not married they're not married spiritually they're not married constantly friction and then the husband is looking at somebody else and the wife is looking at somebody else cuz there there's no real connection and there's a whole problem here that's why you have such a high rate of divorce in America talk mean in the Jewish Community forget about the the entire country so all this all this process will bring the couple to to not sit 100% perfect and then what happens 40 years later 20 years later 10 years later they do CH hey now I do now I am religious yeah but you're carrying a a baggage from 30 years ago and then you come to a point you're saying I want to go to Israel he doesn't want to we don't see eye to eye why it's almost like walking on a hill that one heel is 2 mm more than the other what's two millimet yeah but you'll start walking like that take train tracks now you know the train tracks for thousands of miles precise on the millimeter move the train track a thousand of a millimeter after c couple miles it starts splitting so a couple need to be 100% parallel when they're 100% parallel that's there's no issues they it's very parallel to each other it doesn't mean that everybody is always happy I mean sometimes my wife wants a certain things and I'm not 100% with it but since the there's a parallel so I'm like okay now is my turn to to give in my wife now is it's her time to be happy one time I've give in sometimes she gives in one time I give in one time she gives in but it's together so it's not always 100% how I want but if I'm 100% attached to my other half then then it's a system so when you find down the line situations like this now a kid is a total different thing and even a kid there's a certain no he's more than a kid he's 21 I'm saying a child that's why I said here it's different because a child is an a 21 is an adult leave me alone you go I have my friends here I have my business here I have my life Fe that's a whole different thing here you have not not much what to do cuz the kid is already an adult and I know many people that they live in Israel and the kids stay here and I people that the kids are in Israel and their parents are here I mean my wife she's American from five kids three live in Israel two live in America and the parents live here but three made are yeah so almost any family that that with a 21y old that's some kid it's a man that you can't you don't have any any control but with your husband and it's not only making Ayah it's almost in anything in most relationships I want this I want that healthy relationships is one time we do this one times we do that and one time we do the middle that's a healthy relationship but to give you a a a answer there's no 100 there's no black and white answer here because depends like you know some people they're afraid because they they they're afraid they're not going to have a job another person is afraid cuz I don't know anyone there another person I know the situation especially with Aliyah cuz I'm very Pro moved to Israel for the last four or five years all I do is push people to go to Israel so I guided thousands of families so I see the symptoms who's afraid of what all the answers why I don't want to go why I shouldn't go at the end of the day it's only talking about Israel exactly like the MIM the MIM Des spies they came back and they said oh it's a Bad Country there's no jobs there there's no money there exactly what they say people now yeah people come now and they say about Israel in fact Israel is 10 times better than here better economy better health system better everything is better than Israel how do we um communicate with you on through your website you can go through the website I mean I have a whole firewall of filters you don't get directly to me right away no but well I meant the email as well yeah you can email through the website I have a secretary she'll go through the the emails I mean sometimes I get in a day a thousand emails every day so so I have three girls they filter all the emails and but if you want to get at the end of the day to me I mean I don't read the emails only if it's a private question if you mark it that it's private then it will be not it won't be read if you want to talk to me then they'll schedule you an appointment and I talk on the phone every day Skype phone but you can get to me at some point like the president [Laughter] think would like to talk to him uh with with the help of Technology then uh then then I reach a lot of people yeah and because of that then the the the reaction and the action then the reaction is is waves of messages and emails and requests so but I try to to to get to everybody and to give everybody the right attention but there unfortunately for you I don't have a good answer I mean I have many answers but it depends on the husband depends on many different things but a smart woman knows how to you know it says now people interpret smart woman does her husband husband's will sounds very chauvinistic like oh I'm supposed to do his will but no a smart one she does his will cuz the inside will she knows how to go around and to make sure that she manipulates in a positive way the situation that she does what the husband wants men are very very simple they run on one frequency men are very very simple just put a plate full of food and that's it and a 69 in screen that's it women are very sophisticated they work on so many different levels and components that's much more sophisticated man very simple so as a who's a smart woman she knows what's the will of the husband like a little kid I want my kid to come with me to sh I need to hold the lollipop that's it he goes after the lollipop that's funny true that's funny so the thing is that deep down inside men they might seem strong and and and you know lumpy and the men are very inse you're inside women they have more intuition they're more connected to to to their Source I mean also women I mean it's not black and white don't think every word that I say black and but usually men tend to be like no I need to have a job lined up and the house has to be organized and I see it with all the couples you know the woman's like let's just go and I like no let's go in 3 years and we have to send we have to save and let's search for an apartment and my brother-in-law did aah a week ago and they're not yeah and they're now staying in my house today I Skyped with my wife I hear all the noise in the background so I tell my wife no do they have a place she's like no where they going to live they'll find something where did they move from from New York yeah from New York so say same with me I moved we landed I went on Airbnb I found like something temporary for two weeks and then I looked on the internet and find a place and moved in and that's it and that's why tell everybody that when you decide to make Ayah the job is waiting for you the house is waiting everything is waiting for you K runs the world not you and the ones who go with 100% trust in the K everything's waiting you go out of the airport the tax is already there but that's how it is and you were right to spot no we were two weeks in natana cuz my parents live there yes we stopped there and then we went up I mean listen Aliah is not easy yeah I moved with six it's not easy people think that you land in Israel and bi Nan comes and greets you and waves doesn't work like that I mean sometimes they send if you go on the on the big trip then they send some some officials everybody but h i especially didn't want to go on these flights who needs to weave Flags when you come down let me just go home the whole ceremony but some people like that ceremony but the reality is alah is not an easy process my sister you know you have have to analyze the word Aliyah means to go up so you already spoke Hebrew everything I'm Israeli oh you're Israeli I'm sorry yes I grew up in Israel and I left when I was 23 now my wife is American but her parents are Israelis so she spoke she speaks flent Hebrew and my kids I only spoke with them in Hebrew so they landed they knew already Hebrew that's good so but if you don't talk about Israel Israel is the problem is that we talk about there's bad no money there there's no this there's stabbing there there's stabbing here too there's problems everywhere and you know what if you put it Apples to Apples almost anything you'll put Apples to Apples you see Israel 10 times better I mean I had here I have six kids you know how much you used to pay tuition there's no tuition in it there's no tuition you pay I don't know couple hundred shekels for nothing for registration and for that's it no tuition thousands of dollars here for health insurance there's no health insurance in Israel three you pay something you know we now took the best of the best of the best Plan dental schal everything you want 140 shek a month that's not even $40 for eight people so almost anything you you'll compare bear you know I used to pay here for a small apartment in New York $3,500 a month rent now we're paying $1,400 a month for a huge house I mean almost anything you look at if you're really doing Apples to Apples I mean the only thing that really is more expensive in Israel is cars that's it cars and gas but other than that I don't even just I don't just look at how much things cost me you know my kids walk to school they they're they don't believe it they're like I'm walking my seven-year-old goes to my my seven-year-old goes to the store by himself he's like I can't believe it I'm on the street by myself one time I was I was walking and I happened to see my seven-year-old and I was like I want to curious to see so I walked on the other side of the street he didn't notice I'm following him for like 15 minutes and I see him like he's like I can't believe it I'm seven and I'm walking in the street you know here how many years you been there now one year oh just one year no September 1st one year oh when we lived in New York we lived a block and a half from the school my daughter my wife would walk her to school a block and a half so Israel everything everything is 10 times better people saying oh security stabbing you know that now I helped a family doing Ayah and they came from Chicago and everybody was telling them they started the everything a month and a half ago when there's all the stabbing so everybody's telling them are you crazy it's stabbing there and killing and it was Memorial day and he emailed me that day and he told me there were 66 shootings in Chicago and three murders and people telling him it's it's dangerous in Israel he says dangerous in Israel he's dangerous here have to walk in the street with a bulletproof pressed should have a and everything you do come and visit me in I have a woman Center Learning Center for Women [Music]