Basic steps to parenthood (Chinuch) - Rabbi Alon Anava

[Music] So good morning. This is our third class. So a third is so from here we should continue and having the rest of the when something repeats itself three times this is called as a a strong foundation from here we should grow I can tell you that many more thousands of viewers enjoy these shim the shim they go on they go online they go also on audio and soundcloud and iTunes So Bashem, I didn't look exactly at the count, but I think it's around 10,000 views. So we have a lot of good followers on our screen. So this is much more than the ones who are here present. Even though to hear it live is totally different. So the topic we chose for today is about about educating our kids and BT this is a this is a course not a class because a class will not even do justice to the topic. The topic should be learned in depth and should be spoken in in length. And really who should put most of the emphasis into that is is the is the the the heads of the generations which nobody's really giving enough attention to the topic of educating the kids both in the religious world and the secular world. uh even though we're going to look now more in the in the religious aspect of it but even in the secular worlds the whole concept of of educating the kids is totally neglected both in the Jewish world and in the non-Jewish world we're going to try to to to more concentrate on the Jewish world today and in the room world but in general it's such a neglected topic and when you really think of it the education of the kids is the foundation and the space for everything because if you're looking at in a very limited way then we come down to this world for 67 years and then you leave. But really what keeps us having a continuation is our kids and then the grandkids and then the great grandkids. Because if you're looking at in a very very limited physical way then you come here for 60 70 years and then you go 80 years if you're lucky. But then what if you don't leave something behind then what continues you and you see many people that unfortunately don't have kids or very sad in especially in the states you see that people intermarried and then one side is not Jewish and then it totally cuts off the chain and that's really our continuation is what we leave behind us is is our kids and our great great grandkids and the great grandkids and you see many people that if you look in their in the past you see how great the person was by the offsprings and not too long ago I got I met an an amazing family and I quoted the shala kadosh and she told me I'm a great great great great great granddaughter of the shala kadosh and recently I also met another individual with an amazing story and as we're talking I was mentioning a certain rabbi in the kabad dynasty and he told me I'm a great great grandson of the mitler rebi who was called dobear so amazingly we see that when somebody leaves a mark in the world then the legacy continues and continues and and the the original one that you can see that left a mark in the world is our original father which is Abraino and And if you notice, everyone in our in our history got a title. But not everyone, but the major ones. So we see Moshe got Moshe Rabeno. He's our teacher. He gave us the Torah. And David, David Aik, even though there was many other kings, but David got a title, Hamelik. Yseph got Yseph. And Abraham got our title, Aino, our father. Because this is the beginning. And Abraoi, we have three fathers. These are the basics and the foundation of our nation. That's how it started and what they paved what the the path that they started they we inherited it. That's why we see you every day we pray what is the first thing that we say in Abraham why am I not saying Moshe or No or David or anyone else? Why these three spiritually what happens when I mention these three names when I start I'm arousing their merits because my merits is not enough to turn to the kadoshu and pray cuz I'm nothing and if I come with a bag full of sins that I did in the last week or month or year who am I to stand in front of the kadoshu and open my mouth so I mention my fathers because I'm coming with the merit of my fathers so I mention all three of them but each one of them actually paved the path of our of our lineage. So is the most important thing. Eventually yesterday I spoke with a young mom and she told me I don't like being a mom. It's very hard for me. I don't want more kids and and and I don't like it. I didn't ask to be a mom. And I told her, you don't ask to be a mom. It's autous thousands of women there that crying their eyes out every day cuz they can't be a mom. And people who lose kids and you have the merits who gave you four souls to take care of this is don't complain. Besides you see that for 20 to 25 years says okay you can go free do whatever you want then you get married and for about 30 years give or take you are devoted to your kids. So the whole concept of is is really the most important thing in our life because essentially first of all if I pave the right way to my kids if I want to look it in a very selfish way I'll have nut I'll have an easy life because the way how I'll raise my kids that's how they're going to reflect back. Now a lot of people when they have already teenagers they're going through a very hard time because the teenage whether they don't listen they go after they they rebel they do all sorts of things and there's no greater sorrow for a parent to see their child going in a path they don't want them to go and in essence you doesn't matter how old you are you can be 70 and 80 your kids are still your kids even if they're 50 they're always your kids you're always going to call them puchini much all these little the names he can be 60 you still call him by the nickname Now really when you're looking at it, the real of the kids is not necessarily to the little ones who run in the house. It's for us. We're the kids. We might look like adults, but we are kids. We're just big kids. And the is mainly for us. I mean it manifests into the to the young ones but ultimately each kid that you get comes to represent one mirror in your life that you have to look and you see everything that you need to correct in in yourself through the kid. So one kid will be real real real misfit. So you have to work on your attribute of patience and one kid will be a certain type. You have to work on your attribute of tolerance and each kid will come to push one button. The thing is that the whole concept of you know when you master it when your kids are already out of the H. They're like h if I knew now what I if I knew then what I know now then things would look different. The point is to kind of first of all realize and to understand the general idea of and the general idea is that I got the merit from the master of the universe to raise couple of his children and I'm the architect and the engineer of the next generation. So the responsibility is not necessarily just for my own sake that I want to have nat that I want to have peace and quiet. I have a respon a moral responsibility to society. I'm designing the next generation. I'm designing the the the the whoever's going to continue after us. More than that, this is what I'm going to leave behind. what I do will actually put the imprint on the children which eventually will put the imprint on their children and so forth and really when you see when you're looking at it when parents who who are they have pride in they don't have pride necessarily in their kids they have pride in the grandkids now how you design the child that's the pattern it will continue it's like uh you know clay However you're going to fetch it for whatever amount of time, this is the shape it's going to get. But once you leave it alone, that's it. It dries and that's how it's going to stay. So the responsibility of the importance of is needless to say that it's way beyond anything else. It's the highest priority mainly because I have an obligation to the master of the universe that deposited these souls in my hands. And he tells me, not only that I want you to raise them to believe in me and to fear me and to serve me, you have to design their personalities. Now it starts, it goes all the way back and we started talking about it last week. I mean last sh that it starts how the child has been conceived. I even went back even more how it is that when the how the parents meet each other because if you're looking at it in a very mystical and spiritual way the soul of the mother and the father the husband and wife is one soul it's one soul that before it comes down to this world is an angel that cuts the soul in half one piece of the soul goes into the female one piece of the soul goes into the male one falls in New York one falls in Chicago or wherever for 20 30 years They they looking around for each other and then they finally find each other. Then they fall in love because there's a certain spark that belongs to me in that other person and that other person has a spark that belongs to them in me. So the attraction if it's based on the on the right way then the attraction is is natural because the sparks like a magnet they fit well. Now originally it's one soul. Now when a man and a wife are together, it's basically God giving them godly powers to bring another life into the world. This is the first mitzvah that we got. The Torah just started. The book just started and the first mitzvah that we got be fruitful and multiply. So it all starts even way before people think and they they they they look at things based on the birth date. people like analyzing, you know, the the the personality according to the birth date and the month and the sign. This is all true, but it's much more accurate from the night it was conceived. The Z gives accurate calculations that if you really take a note when the husband and wife were together, which is very easy to know if you if you keep a note when was the day of the mikvah, you can kind of know more or less when it was. The Z gives accurate calculations that if you know the time of the day even and the time of the year and the month and everything, you have literally the the the DNA of the nishama where it came from, what it has to do, why it came and it all starts with how the parents conceive the child because if they conceive the child in kadusha in holiness, then the child gets dressed into the to holy garments. Our soul is so holy that it in order to interact with this world, it has to get dressed into garments. Now our soul is built from five levels. The highest level of our soul is called we mentioned it in the last show. I'm just going to repeat it for the new ones. The highest level of the soul is called comes from the word, not is one. There's only one and that's but is unity but a unity that is more powerful than anything else. This is why when couples get married and some some sects don't do it but most of the sects they go into the realm and the is unity. So this level of it's one piece with the is called a piece of God because it's constantly 100%. The next level underneath it is called in English they call it aura like a a surrounding light or m the term in in the cababalistic term to that ism is the shape that the soul gets dressed in it and then we have these is the low levels of our soul but for the to come down for the soul to come down to the road it has to get dressed in the talem now the if you're looking right from the beginning when created man. It says in the image of God, man was created. When God wanted to somehow form himself to be able to be revealed to the prophets, then he dressed himself in a in a shape. That's why we're not allowed to have. This is the the complete opposite. This is the ultimate going against the if I created So the nama has to get dressed in the talem is just im just image the the have a picture in your mind that aim is a shape. If you're looking at the spir it says in in the zor in yao how the the spir are in the shape of a of a man. There's a head there's a body there's hands there's legs. In order for the nama to manifest to come down into this world has to get dressed into like a I like calling it like a puppet that you put your hand in a puppet. Now the puppet is a dead piece of cloth but you put the hand in it you start moving the hand and the puppet starts moving. So you move your your finger then the hand of the puppet goes you move your thumb so the other hand goes and you start maneuvering the puppet. Same thing the nama gets dressed into this body. I can't move a body. A body is a piece of meat. It's bones and meat. So the nama gets dressed into garments. Now we know of three major garments that are called thought, speech and action. And then nama gets dressed into these garments like a puppet. That's how it kind of interacts with the world. So these are the three actions how we interact in the world is our thought, our speech and our action. Now when the father and mother are together and they're conceiving the child, they are designing the garments. They are deciding how the garments that the soul will get dressed in will be. So if the husband and wife are doing it in a holy matter, then the garments that the soul gets dressed in are holy garments. And if not in a holy matter, then the garments are not holy. So the child will have unholy garments which means unholy thoughts, unholy speech and unholy actions. That's why the whole ceremony is not to annoy the couple. If you're looking at the whole concept of family purity, it's genius. It's a genius system. Besides that, even medically, it's even proven. Everything that we see in the Torah now medical and science proves that it's actually good. and and doctors prove that religious women they keep family purity never gets cancer of the ovaries over the entire woman's section they don't get ever cancer there because this whole organ needs these 12 days to rejuvenate and to heal itself so the whole concept of the family purity is beyond genius beside the fact you separate the whole excitement everything but we talked about at the last class how the preparation is so important the prepar separation is the two weeks of the separation. There's a reason for there's many reasons for that. But if you're looking at it, even the preparation, the woman has to go to the mikvah. It's like a spa. She cleans her nails, she cleans this, she cuts that. She prepares herself mentally, emotionally, spiritually, physically, everything. The right ways that the husband also has to prepare himself. He doesn't go and watch a football game that night. Goes and study Torah and he sharpens his mind. He makes his mind holy. I don't want to get too much into the to the whole process, but the preparation is extremely extremely important. Now, of course, a lot of people ask me the most famous question, but that's after the fact. I'm I'm already after the process. Now, what? So, first of all, it's important to know that the process and the way the child is conceived is the most important part of the of the is the foundation. It starts even more back how the husband and how the husband and wife went met and if they were if they were if they touched each other before if they were shy or not is not to make our life hard and to make us annoying. There's a reason for that. Okay. If you're looking at it according to based on it's like offense over offense shalom from one act it's not going to lead into another act and shalom fall into a to a sin. But spiritually, spiritually what happens is that the same, it's the same soul right now in two separate bodies. But up until this point, this woman is called she's a fiance. If you're looking at the under the is she's a to him. She's she's not permitted to him right now. Spiritually, what happens right now? If a man and woman are about to get married, they touch each other. Forget about an act, the physical act. Touch each other. There's a spiritual short circuit because right now they're they're not ready to be together. There already causes a separation. That's the whole concept of not touching each other, not being together before the wedding is is is not is is not to make their life hard or to be fanatic or strict. There's a spiritual reason for that. So it starts how the how their husband and wife meet. Then it starts how the child was conceived. But after that for the first 12 years of the ch of the daughter's life and the 13 years of the boy's life the bo the children directly get everything that the parents do they get it like Wi-Fi they don't even have to be connected anymore whatever the husband thinks and how he operates and whatever's going on in his mouth and thoughts and actions directly affects the child the same way that The child, a baby eats from the mother. Physically, it's attached to the mother and it's getting everything from the mother. Then spiritually the child still gets from the mother and father till the age of but and bar mitzvah. Which means if I keep my minds pure, my mind pure and I'm thinking pure things all day long. I'm not talking about in a specific time all the time and my actions are pure and everything is is is according to the to the teachings of the Torah. By default, my kids get affected from that right away like like a like a wireless Wi-Fi. I don't need to be even connected to the child. So I have 12 and 13 years for a boy and a girl of of investing in how much I can actually give them. Now a child in the first 12 years for a girl and 13 years for a boy child is called yelled yelled is a vessel. It's a cle. If you're looking at the the the letters of a yelled it's yud lamemed and daled. If you dissect the letters, each letter has a a meaning to that. Dalid cabala teaches comes from the word dalute. Dalute means something that doesn't have anything of itself. Dal like you have milk, it's dal shuman. Doesn't have fat. So dal comes from the sh of dalut something that doesn't have anything of itself. Yud in Cabala it it expresses the sphere of which is the the where the the or the light shines from this is the the the sphere that that affects all the rest of the spir the highest and lamemed lamemed represents what's called a khel a knot if you're looking at the lamemed there's a kesh between one side to the other so the concept is that the child is a vessel but it's a empty vessel though it doesn't have anything from itself and you have the responsibility of pulling light light this godly light from the sphere of and putting it into the child and making a kesher in it. So child is a vessel and when the child is born it's an empty vessel. You are the one who are responsible to start filling the vessel. So that if the child is conceived in a very holy matter then the vessel is a holy pure clean vessel. If it's done the other way, then the vessel is damaged. That's how it's called. The vessel itself is damaged. Now, if the vessel is damaged, if I have now a cup and it has a crack, anything I'll put in it, anything I'll put in will go out of it. So, my vessel always has to be constantly complete. So, my child is a vessel. Now, if a husband and wife, they didn't start the right way for whatever reason, we're not judging anyone. We're all human beings and especially the in our generation there's thousands and hundreds of thousands of bal chuva okay you do mistakes in your life everything can be repaired everything can be reversed so if shalom it started the wrong way then one can do chuva and retroactive fix the damage we spoke about it in the last sh that that a woman that is not observant or did not keep family purity she can still go to the mikvah 20 years after she finished having her cycle and it would retroactive affect all the years that she didn't go to the mikvah and it will affect everything that besides the fact that a woman that has her cycle and doesn't go to the mikvah she carries on her impurity this is called tumatida the impurity of nida of blood it's a very strong impurity and if doesn't keep the flaws of family purity all these months She's carrying this impurity on her. Needless to say that when the child comes through her out, the whole area is impure. Full of the blood that is impure, the child gets is this impurity on on it right away. Even if like sorry like you said in previous occasions um you're not blamed for the sins. You're not punished for this for the misot you didn't know about. It's nothing to do with punishment. Yeah. But even still the child bears the impurity from from like parents who let's say were completely unfortunately it's not about being punished. I I spoke about it a bit the last class that take the concept of Hashem punishing you. Take it out of the system. It's not the it's it's not the right way of looking. Hashem is not a mean God standing in the heavens and waiting to punish you. That's not how it works. Yes, there is the concept in the Torah is called reward and a punishment. But a punishment, I would say it's a very harsh way of explaining the concept. I call it a reaction. Not not a punishment. But it's a m on the child. Excuse me. It's a m on the child. I would say a mum. It's just like take this beautiful big uh window now and throw an egg on it. Is the window broken? No. The window is perfect. Just take a and wipe it off and that's it. And it's off. It's dirt. This is what it is. Now the difference here if a person now will take a rock and throw it at this window. Then he broke the window. So he did a certain action, a negative action. Now the reaction is that I have a broken window. So the owner of the house, she's telling she's going to tell me, I'm not upset at you. I know you me probably mentally ill, but I'm not upset at you. Just pay for the window. That's it. So, Hashem tells us sometimes, "I'm not upset at you, but you fix the damage. You take responsibility." You know, here in the army, they say, "The fact that you didn't know doesn't exempt you from the punishment." The example that I always give is imagine how a little kid goes to the kitchen, opens the fridge, looks all the way up and sees like this beautiful pudding cake. He starts climbing on the on the on the shelves, pulls out the cake. The second he pulls out the cake. Everything falls out of the fridge on the floor, smashes. The whole floor is is a mess. The mom comes into the kitchen, assuming that she's a normal mom, she doesn't get upset. She doesn't scream. She doesn't yell. She doesn't lose her temper. She just tells the child, "It's okay. Nothing happened." That's a pretty rare mom. We're going to get to that. But she tells the child, "Listen, it's okay. An accident, but you clean it. You made the mess, you clean it. That's it. So if I did something wrong, it's not about mashem punishing me. Yeah, one can say it's not fair. This world is not about fair. This world has a there's there's there's always an action and a reaction. So yes, if Shalom the parents didn't conceive the child right or the woman was not pure while the time of of the of the birth and all that yeah unfortunately the child gets this impurity and it has nothing to do with fair or not fair right now or if Hashem is punishing or the parents are punishing has nothing to do with it. You can you can you can take it now we're going to go through now all sorts of acts that parents do that one might say it's also not fair for the child. If you take now a child, wherever you're going to put it, that's how it's going to grow. If you're going to you, we we we have the power of instilling these habits in children. We're going to get to that in a minute because I mainly want to talk about the tas. What do we need to do that to hear all the fancy stuff? It's nice, but we need more practical tools. How do I bring myself to a point that I can actually educate the child the right way and still work on myself? Because it's two paths that I have to walk on. But the in the intro is just to understand where it all originates because you want to psychoanalyze. You want to go back to understand where things are going on. More than that, you want to make sure that if you're still in the process that the new ones is going to be done the right way or if it was not done the right way originally, then you have to do chuva for that. Chua has the power to reverse everything. Chua has the power to to retroactively change things. So I know many ladies that I met throughout my path have many women students that they're in the 50s and the 60s and they become religious and they tell me I never went to the mikvah but I don't have my cycle anymore. You can still go to the mikvah. Normally they can you have to go because you're still carrying this impurity with on you. More than that once you go you retroactively fix all the those years that you didn't go. Yes. You wanted to ask something? I think they do have to be married though, right? No, they do. Even if she's not married as rabbit and she said they have to be married. There's different opinions, but in regards to the purity, she doesn't have to be married anymore. That affects all the generations, children. I recommend to even women that are divorced or widowed to still go because they're still carrying impurity on them. And if she does it the right way, not only just jumping into the pool, taking it really serious and doing chuva retroactively, she will affect the kids. Isn't it more of a chuva though than just the action? Cuz anyone can just jump into a mikvah. If it's like just okay, I'm doing this. It's everything. Okay. Like it's the chuva, it's the thoughts, it's the intention, it's the kavana, and it's the mikvah. It's everything together. The point is that chuva can retroactively change a lot. So the woman has the power to mystically and spiritually go backwards and change what what's when she was not pure. The husband also has what he has to do. We're going to get to that also too. But you have another question. Yeah. And if it's not you don't have to answer. I'm just curious if people are living like where they go to the mikvah and they keep track of the are there specific quotes that I was never taught in kala classes that there has to be at the time of conception have to be fully then 100% 100% it's not about or not in this class we're not talking we're talking practically the the sad part is that most places the way they prepare the bride and the groom they're trying to be super extra sneious and they're not really telling them what they need to do. Unfortunately, you know, from the other gender, they're not preparing the men the right right at all. They're not teaching them nothing. They don't teach him how to treat their wife. If the ch if the man did not have a good example from his father, he doesn't know anything what to do. He doesn't know anything about women because all his life he never saw a woman. He doesn't know anything. Unfortunately in many places, many sex in many groups they do not prepare both couples what to do mentally, emotionally, physically and unfortunately you know sometimes people trying to be so fume they forget that they basic things and it's it's so important because in the act when the husband and wife are together there's so much things to the preparation the act itself after the act everything. Now the thing is like this if you're looking at in a very superficial way then one might say okay know whatever I'll turn the light off and finish with it. No it's a very holy act this is a mitzvah I mean one can look at it in a very you know physical way and say okay it's a it's it's a physical act. Yeah it's a mitzvah. Putting fill in is also a physical act but it's a mitzvah. And to put a talis on is a physical act but it's a mitzvah. So this is the ultimate mitzvah because you have here not only the mitzvah procreating if you do it right you have here the mitzvah is they have many other mitzvah here the ultimate mitzvah is so there's so much into it and unfortunately many are not educated about it but it's not just the husband and wife meeting each other after two weeks and that's it no a's is the preparation the preparation is extremely important spiritually but then the actual act of course it has to be holy what you're thinking of and how it's done and all these little things and the thing is that it affects the first of all no doubt that it affects the couple's if the act is not holy there's not going to be between them ever you're looking at the words ish and ish is a man is a woman they both have the al if and the shin in their name the man has the y and the woman has the hey if they have between them the right relationship then they're together. It's an ish and is if if you take the the the theina away from them, you take the godliness out of them which is the youth and the hay. Then there's esh there it's just fire. So this is the ultimate way when the husband and wife start and and base their schlomite. If the act is not holy, most likely the there's there's going to constantly be friction in schlumbites constantly. And if it's done holy, there's a very low chances that there'll be problems with bite. If the hack is not holy, there's a greater chance for divorce because it's not going to be a a a good fit constantly. Is there going to be something going on between spiritually which will obviously manifest to physically if the act is holy. When I'm saying holy is everything it's a it's it's a big topic when I'm saying holy but even the the way that the the couple respect each other then the first of all and most important the schlumbites the peace between the husband and wife is in a whole different level total different level that's why there's many rules and in the actual act so there's not going to be even an opening to shalom lose respect to each other or many other things but besides affecting directly the schlom Schlomite is the connection of the husband and wife and and this is the the the basics for everything starts with the schlomite. If the husband and wife are not on the same page the will fail will totally fail. First of all the the kids will just see the husband and wife fighting all the time or arguing or mocking each other or laughing at each other or not respecting each other. The child sees everything and registers in their subconscious everything. So of course the schlomite is the is the base and the foundation of the if I have problems with my schlomite first of all I have to go retroactively how did I meet my wife how did I behave while I was dating how was the wedding was the wedding kosher believe it or not 90% of the marriages in our generation are not real marriages we spoke about it the last sh go out to America 90% of the marriages are not real marriages because in most cases the witnesses are not kosher so the the the kdushian is not valid. And the reason that many of the weddings are like that in America because most of the rabbitical authorities made a very quick calculation. If the couple is not they're not keeping Torah and mitzvah or shalom they're they're mocking the Torah and mitzvah with many different ways. Then if shalom they will get to a divorce. They're not going to care about a get. Why would they care about a get? Now if they're married 100% and then they get divorced without a get and then they get remarried and then there's going to be kids these kids are so better them living not married which is a sin every time they're together but if they'll get divorced and they don't give a to each other then at least it's not going to be because you can't trace a so 90% I'm exaggerating 90% of the marriages in America are not real marriages I have an album this thick of about 600 couples that I remarried found out that they're not married at all. Couples come to me with problems of schlumb. The first thing that I ask them, are you married? Of course, we're married. Are you really married? What are you talking about? We had a do you remember? Do you have the tuba? Let's see who are your witnesses. If one witness is one witness is not a kosher witness, that's it. It's not a wedding. our our witness that that buried us in Jerusalem was not Jewish. We just found out like last week if you then you have you have to go. We did we did and we it's like we're in there. First of all, it's not as simple because sometimes one witness listen in Israel it's more strict but it still fell through. Sometimes the rabbi that officiates it, he's one of the witnesses. There's a lot of laws in it. We know we we went through all there's a lot a lot of in it do just we don't have video but the thing is that I I retroactively with hundreds of couples which very simple look at the TVA look at the video ask around and most of them you know the first thing the the the witnesses either they're relatives which makes them not valid to be a witness or they don't keep Shabbat which makes them not valid to be a witness. Now in our generation many people scheme they come and say all sorts of there's a lot a long list of things that will make a witness not valid. If a person is a thief he cannot be a witness. So the point is not to get into too much into that but unfortunately most of the couples in the world are not really married. If they were married in a very religious ceremony most likely they are. But take any secular couple not outside of Israel because in Israel they're very strict. then Israel the Rabanut will not allow things like this to happen. Now in our generation unfortunately in the last 10-15 years people go to get get married in Cypress they go to go to Greece they go to Vegas and all sorts of othericks but in most of the couples in Israel don't have this problem because the raut in Israel they're not going to let you get married any other way but in America and I'm I'm saying America cuz that's where I spend the last 20 years but same thing in Europe and Australia and anywhere if the witnesses are not valid and the wedding is not a real wedding and that in itself already as a crack between the bas and wife, then people are surprised why there's so much divorce because they're not really married. Because when the husband and wife meet each other after 20 30 years, then when they go into the hoop, if the hoop is kosher, the kadosh who sews the nama together that's it. And if the hoop is not kosher, then a kadosh is not there. So he's not going to sew the namas together. And then you have a result of a husband and wife and they're not really married. Every time they're together, they're committing one of the worst sins in the in in the Torah. Needless to say, the impurity it brings on the child. Thou look at our generation and you'll understand where all this mishugas come from because it's it's a it's a a snowball. So the first thing one needs to do is first of all trace back the the the the dating period, then the wedding, then the first year, then the the act itself. The thing is that every step of the way will directly affect the child. Now a lot of people don't want to hear it or believe it or or or to agree with it. But the reality is that bar and bat mitzvah whatever the father thinks affects directly the child directly. Because the father is what's called and the sperm comes from the brain. Now medical doctors will prove and show you that the the sterum actually comes from the clot from the kidneys. But the kidneys cook it then it goes to the brain then goes through the spine. While the husband and the wife are together the husband is cooking the sperm in his brain. When it's ready it will go down through the spine and out to the to the woman. Now if he's during the act thinking holy things then he's already purifying and dressing the sperm in holy in in in in a holy energy. If it's a it's the other way around that's what's going how it's going to come. Now the mother is comes from the sphere of bina so she nourishes the midot the the attributes of the child father comes from so he he designs the mo the intellect now till the age of bar and bat mitzvah you know for the first few minutes the child is connected to the mother with the umbilical cord doctors right away cut it it's not the right way has to be connected at least another 10 20 minutes I mean too much is not good because there's too much pressure with the blood and shalom can be all sorts of complications but doctors cut it right away. The right way is to keep it a little bit. So this is the physical umbilical cord. The spiritual umbilical cord is stay till bar and bad mitzvah. So the father comes from the sphere of he's the he's the intellect. Then constantly what going on in his mind will directly affect the child. The mom is more emotional. She comes from the sphere of bina. She's constantly empowering the mid of the child. So the father has to con why why do we we get the obligation of learning Torah besides the mitzvah besides what we need to we need to know what to do but I'm if my mind is stimulated by Torah all day long then by default my mind will be holy. I'm not going to think of unholy things cuz I'm in my mind is going to be trying to figure out the suga that I learned two hours ago and I can't figure it out. But my mind, the wheels in my brain are thinking about Torah. And my mind is constantly occupied with Torah. My intellect is holy. So I wirelessly transmitted to my kids their makaba is holy. The woman is more emotional. The woman has to work on her midot. She has to refine her midot. That's why Hashem says, "I'm going to now take most of the burden off you. You don't have to do mitzvot. Concentrate on a few things. Concentrate on refining your midot. And when you refine your midot, your attributes, whether it's good or bad, but you have to refine the negative ones, anger, jealousy, animosity, patience, all these emotions that you have, they're coming from somewhere. And when they're not under control, they right away affect the child. So the father and the mother have a lot of work to do in the in the in the behind the scenes. And it directly affects the child. So how the mother and father conduct their their spiritual behavior directly with no interference will will affect the ch the children. Now this is more in a spiritual level. Needless to say that if the house is holy which starts with what you feed the kids has to be kosher. Kids in the shamas are very sensitive. A lot of people come and say yeah but according to till the age of six till the age of three till the age of nine there's all sorts of approaches it's not true yeah will give you a lot of loopholes but why do you want to go according to the to the to the minimum of the minimum of the minimum you want to do the soul of a child is such a pure soul doesn't have sins doesn't have anything negative why should I feed my 2-year-old uncosher food why should I I contaminate that nama was something not holy. They're much more sensitive than me. I told you the last show about with my three-year-old that they gave him the milk that was not kalav in one of the kindergartens. I'll repeat the story real quick cuz a lot of you were not here, but when we lived in Los Angeles last year, it was a just a station. So, we had to put the kids quickly in school. So, we put my three-year-old in a kindergarten. And since we, you know, we weren't in the right place and we didn't have the time to find the right place. So we put it in a room kindergarten, it was fine for the couple months that we were there. And this little kid, you're looking at him, it looks like an angel. This face, you just look at the face like this gentle kid, he starts coming back from this kindergarten after like a week or two and he became very aggressive. So we're like, okay, you know, new kindergarten, new kids, he's 3 years old. You know, we were coming with all the excuses. A week later, he became even more aggressive. A week later, he started becoming more violent and answering and his movements were were violent, throwing things. So after us trying to blame it on the environment or because we moved, he's he's three years old, we we it's a we changed kindergartens. At one point, my wife goes to the kindergarten. She tells the the teacher, "Is there anything going on here? He's behaving different." No, he's a good kid. Everything's the same. So, after a very short investigation, my wife found out. She was like, "What are you feeding him anything? Are you giving him anything to eat?" "No, only when they're good. We're giving them candies." So, my wife was like, "Can I see the candy?" "Sure, here. It's kosher. Don't worry. It's very kosher." So, she looked and it was kosher, but not kalav is. And we're very very particular with Israel for many different reasons. May because according to the teachings of the directly affects the brain directly. This is what's called Tim doesn't come from the word. Excuse my language stupid. Tim means unbalanced something that's constantly not balanced. And is known to directly affect the makes the person very unbalanced. So right away my wife was like, "Okay, listen. We don't we were very very strict. Please don't give the child any more of this candy. I'm not exaggerating. Within couple days, back to normal." So you see how even a little kid, a three-year-old, how it affects the the nama is so sensitive. Why should I now feed the child something that is not holy? When we used to live in a building couple years ago, we had a neighbor that every Shabbat would come to our home and she would tell me, "Can you tell your 2-year-old to turn the light on? Can you turn your 2-year-old to do this?" I told them why? No, you know, the light turned off, the heater turned on. Like I told them, why should my 2-year-old do? No, she's a child. Said, of course. So, what if she's a child? There's an in a child. She's still doing a Shabbat. You're not even allowed to ask a girl to do that. You want to ask a little. So, what if she's a 2-year-old? The point is that our children are so holy that because they're so holy, they're sensitive 100 times more than us. What you feed them directly will affect their nama. What you make them watch will directly affect them. What you're going to make them listen to will directly affect them. What they see they register like a a sophisticated scanner and it goes into their subconscious. Unfortunately in our generation parents don't have much tolerance. It's a burden for them the kids. So the kid they put in front of a box and they tell the kid here look at this box and leave me alone and the kid is hypnotized by the screen and forget about the junk what they see on the screen. Even if it's real super duper extra super closure, it's still not what the child needs to register when it's the complete opposite. If you're looking at at at at the what's going on in that box, it's just violence and curses and and I don't want to even say other things that's going on, the child sees it and it becomes normal to the child that it's normal to hit and to kill and to and the child gets affected directly what they see. The thing is that if you're looking at the olden days, they didn't have TVs. They didn't have smartphones to look at games and nonsense all that. They they occupied their mind. They they built things. They went out to play. They were climbing on trees. They weren't hypnotized by a screen. So unfortunately a lot of people in our generation they they don't have the patience. They don't have the kak. They don't want to. It's a burden. People tell me the kids it's a burden. The kid is not a burden. The kid is a child. It's a human being that needs affection and love. The thing is that to take from this is that whatever the child sees it registers. If the child will grow up in a home that he sees respect between the husband and wife, the child will mimic it for the rest of his life. The problem in is that the parents say one thing and they do another thing. And this is where it starts. This is the main problem in the problem in is that the child comes out of the womb total innocent. He believes anything. The level of amuna of belief of the baby is perfect because the belief the amuna in our system is built in. You don't have to build amuna. It's in it's custom fit. It's in the nama. The problem is that the first year the child is totally not connected to anything. He believes anything. You give the child now something to eat. It's not going to ask you if it's kosher. It's not kosher. Mommy gave it to me so it's good. That's it. the the babies they don't run a survey in the hospital how's your mommy how's is your mommy good should I go home with this mom the child is 100% amuna whatever it sees it it believes but then after about a year and a half to two years the child is facing a very harsh reality and people start lying to that child. So from the age of two to the age of five, they're starting to get a lot of a lot of lies. And the first ones who lie to the child is the parent. Cuz parents say, "If you're not going to clean your room, I'm not going to give you this and that." And then they don't clean the room and they still got it. So mommy's a liar. Now you do that a few more times. That's it. In their subconscious, you are a liar. I can't believe you. And most parents use the lying system which is the worst worst system in in educating and you're teaching your li your child that it's fine to lie because the child sees how many times there you know there's a certain situation in the house and you know somebody knocks in the door the husband and wife they're whispering don't open here oh team it's the child sees that and it's like okay some what's going on here why can't we open the door right now or why can't we do this why you saying that why you whispering this the child is he's innocent. He doesn't know what's going on. He just sees mommy and daddy, you know, doing something and he sees and that's what he registers. The first problem is that we lie to our children constantly. And if you lie to your child, first of all, you're slowly diminishing and burying the power of amuna in that child. And then people they don't understand when when the child is 14 and 16, they're completely off the they don't believe. I don't believe in anything. Why don't you believe? Because you lie to me your whole life. So if I Why should I believe you? Why should I believe you that there's a God even? You pretending that you're religious, but you're lying to me all day long. So the child say, you know, he doesn't the child is not an investigator. The child doesn't go up to his room and says, "Okay, mommy said this and daddy said that." No, it just registers in the in the subconscious and they know and they see how you operate. So they're like, "Okay, that's the reality." So from the age to about 2 to five when you constantly lie to a child you see so many parents that they're telling all sorts of stories to the children and lying the worst is that is the direct lying and and and the parent does not understand that first of all you teach the child to lie that it's normal to lie. You put in the child the the the option even that there's something opposite than the truth. the the the long run effect is that the child will lie. More than that slowly slowly the level of belief is diminished. Trust. So he's not going to believe other people. He's not going to believe anything. Now unfortunately in this world some people you really don't need to believe them. But the system gets defected. So the child grows with this constant doubt all the time. So the system of lying is is the first thing that has to go out of the window. You have to be 100% honest with your child because if you're not honest with your child, you have to understand children are smarter than they look. They're adults in small bodies. They might have some habits. But if you take now any man, any man, and take him out of his environment, he's a child. Give him a nice car, he'll get all excited. Give him a ball, he start throwing it to the wall. I mean, it's the same thing. So, it's just in a in a in a in a more mature body. So, I can't like crawl on the floor now. But give any adult male a cool toy. He's on the floor right away with it. So, the reality is that the kids are adults. They're just covered in a very small body. So, they look like a little bit shorter. That's it. But they're so much more smarter than you think that when every act that you do, every word that come out of the mouth, there's an analysis going on. Now, it's not done directly. The child doesn't keep notes. But it's worse. It's going in the subconscious. So if the child sees mommy lying all day long, then the child will lie all day long. So it's not only lying to the child, it's lying to everybody around. And you see sometimes many situations that you know, we'll take an example. A guest comes to the home, the the mother and father, they treat the guest a certain way. Then the guest leaves the home. Did you see that? Did you see what she said? You know that she did like that. He he did that and all these lon and the child is like what's going on here 2 hours ago they was all smiling and hugging and best friends now my parents are bad mouthing them what's going on here so the child is not going to blame the person that walked in he will right away one mommy and daddy are liars so the lying is the the foundation of the problem for your own sake you don't want to lie because People don't accept the the idea that lying is one of the worst sins ever. Shem doesn't like liars. Now you can lie to anyone around you, but there's two that you cannot lie to. You cannot lie to the kosh, but mainly you cannot lie to yourself. I mean, you can make up stories, but you cannot lie to yourself. You, this is the only one that you can really you really know the real the real truth. If you lie to yourself, then you will lie to anybody. If you project this energy of lying, the world will lie back at you. So everything will come distorted to you any type of reality doesn't matter when it's relationships, it's your relationship with the kadosh, relationship with people, business, anything will come distorted back at you because the world is a mirror. And every act that you do, you're projecting something to the universe. You do a good act, a positive act, you're projecting this energy into the universe. You're doing a negative act and you're projecting it into the universe. And the universe is a bunch of mirrors. All around you is mirrors. So you throwing a lie to the universe, it will come back at you at some way. And then people complain that things don't work out and everybody's cheating them and this guy cheated me and this business deal didn't work out and there here they're taking my money. But you you go back. you you you designed it. So since we're trying to stick to the topic of don't lie to your kids ever again. First of all, don't lie at all. But when you lie to your kids, even in little things, I mean, you can round corners because sometimes the kids don't need to know everything. Your kid doesn't need to know how much money you have in your bank account. It's none of their business. Your kid doesn't need to know what's going on in the bedroom. It's none of their business. There's certain things that the kids do not need to know what's going on. When I'm talking about the bedroom, not necessarily talking about when the husband and wife are together. I'm talking about kids do not need to see their parents not not dressed. That's when they learn the attribute of because if the husband walks around half naked in the home, the kid will never be. If the mother is not sneez in the home, forget about outside. Outside is a total different thing. If the mother is not modest in the home, how she talks, how she behaves, how she walks, how she sits, how she sleeps, everything in the home, the child would look at it and be like, "What are you pretending? You're pretending outside the home to be so modest that inside the home you're not." Now again, the child will not make an analysis in in their mind, but they they they registering information. So if the mother is not sneez in the home then the child will register that wait a minute who's mommy frauding here. In the home she's like this outside of the home she's like she's like she's like that. What's going on here? So every little act that you do you are the role model. You want the child to be something you have to be it. Now here we're talking just to the feminine side, but you have to tell your husbands that you can't expect the child to be a talid and to go and do his homework and learn Torah and want to go and pray if the husband doesn't do it. You cannot come as a father and tell the child come with me to sh if you don't go to the sh. You cannot complain to the child if you don't do that. I always say the same example, the same story that on my my second son's shalom Zahar. For the ones of you who maybe don't know what's a shalom zah, Friday night before the bris, there's a a a big meal and you invite a lot of people and and there's a very special event which mystically and spiritually is very very very powerful. But on the shalom of my second son, we had a very big party and and we we we had a lot a lot of guests at night and suddenly like a surprise a very big rabbi from the community came which for us was like this big honor and everybody was toasting and you should have a lot of from him and he should be a and he should be this and he should be that and everybody was giving us beautiful and then the rabbi stood up and he says listen I'm not going to give you a bra I'm going to give you advice. You want your tal your your son to be a Talmid, you be a Talmid. You want your son son to Darin, you go and Davin. You want your child to be something, you be that thing and he will follow. Do not complain to the son that he doesn't go to shu if you don't bother to move your to take yourself to a shul and d in a minion. And don't demand your child to be a student when he doesn't see you going to the class every night or studying at home. So if you want your child to be something, you you be it. Don't don't expect the child. Now you have to understand that the mo mind of a child as much as they're adults. The mind is not developed spiritually. They get the level of dot only when they reach the age of 20. till 20 they don't have the level of that now I don't know really how to translate that I don't know if to say comprehension or or I don't know the right way of that but the child will get the level of since they were born then they will get later on when they're when they're when they're 12 and 13 the level of bina but that they only get when they're 20 their mind is not developed 100%. So you have to understand that the child in the front part of the brain the conscious sees one thing the back side of the brain the subconscious sees a completely different thing. When the child sees a certain pattern of behavior besides of mimicking that behavior he doesn't know how to really analyze what's the message here. So when the child sees a mother walking into the room screaming, "Pick up your clothes. Your room is a mess. Why are you doing that?" and screaming. The child doesn't sees the logic behind the the the the screaming. He sees mommy behaving very weird. He doesn't see the message right now. If you walk into the room and say, "Oh, tell your child in a very calm way, please fix the room and please put your toys in the in their spot because they're expensive. And please make sure that your clothes are not on the floor because it costs me a lot of money to wash them all day long and I'm not your slave and so forth." And you explain to the child it's at least he's getting a message here. When you're waving your hands, the message that the child get is is mommy something's wrong with mommy that she's screaming. I don't know why she's screaming. And the first reaction that will cause this screaming to a child, child right away moves back. I don't want to be hurt now by this crazy screaming woman. So the child right away moves back and the result from this moving back will be child locks himself doesn't want to to to to react to the parent. So children lose their connection with a child with a with a parent. The worst thing that can happen in parenthood and that there's no connection to the child because the child seeks for everything in the parents. You are literally the the machet. How do you say machet uh how do you say this is a machet? How do you call it? Support. Support. It's not really support. Has a different name. Backbone. Backbone is a different thing. Doesn't matter. You know what I mean? The parents are the machet of the child. The child has to lean on the parent. Now, if the child doesn't want to lean on the parent, he would go and look to who to lean on cuz he needs it because they don't have a backbone. That's a that's another thing that one needs to do. But at this point the ch the parent has to develop a deep relationship with the child that the child can tell them anything that the child trusts the parent that the child will go to the parent in any circumstance. That's why unfortunately in the latest generations you see so much child molestation because the first time it happens the child doesn't know how to react. A healthy child will run to the parent right away. Right away. A healthy child. A child that has some type of a doubt that maybe mommy will scream at me, it doesn't go to the parent and then it will happen again and again and again and again and the child closes more and closes more and closes more to a point that it it locks itself. They now get it out can take years. So a healthy relationship the child will right away run to the parent and say that person touched me. He did something inappropriate. Forget about that. You have to educate the child about that. That's what the whole different thing here. But a healthy relationship, the child will come to tell the parent everything because he's not going to be afraid that mommy's going to scream. And he's not going to be afraid that daddy's going to put me in the corner or take my toy away or freak out because daddy and mommy are my best friends. And if if I don't behave nice, yeah, they will punish me. There is the concept of punishing in educating is a very very important part. A child has to be punished. It doesn't have to be beaten to death. Punishment has to come in a very smart way. But the fact is that if you don't have a good relationship with your child, your child will never come back to you. He will not seek any comfort in the parent. So the the building a relationship with a child is the most important thing. You have to shower the child with love. Kids only want love. They don't want a lollipop. Lollipop is nothing. And they don't want all sorts of toys. In our generation, you know, you replace love with plastics. Here, take this toy. Here, take this box. Play with it. Child doesn't want that. A child wants love and it wants affection. You You spend 10 minutes of unconditional love a day with your child. That's it. It's a 100 lollipops. The problem is that most people they don't really they maybe they love their children a lot, but they're not showing this affection. Children need affection. They need hugs. They need kisses. They need supporting words. You can punishment. You can scream. I mean, not scream like a maniac. Raise your voice a little bit. Yeah, children need all these things. A child needs a a very strict environment. But there's a way to do it that you're not being translated and and and and and looked at as a as a not case cuz that's how children look at you. If you walk into the house screaming, I gave the example with the fridge and you said normal mom. It's not normal cuz the kid What did I do? I didn't do anything. I just wanted the cake. Why are you screaming at me? The child doesn't understand where you coming from. You have to understand that if you had a bad day and you are under a lot of stress or whatever you're going through and you screaming, the child doesn't know what's going on in your body. The child doesn't understand where you're coming from. So yes, the the the popular qu answer that I get, yeah, but I'm going I have my cycle now. I'm I'm the hormones are driving me crazy. Okay, I understand. But your child doesn't understand that you have hormones now. So even if you already lost it and you screamed at your child, go and apologize. 5 minutes later when you cool down, go to the child and says, "I'm sorry." Parents don't apologize to kids. And it's a very bad thing because parents, yeah, you have to keep yourself in a level. The child needs to know that he has to respect you. But when you are doing something wrong, you need to say sorry to your child because a you're building this relationship. The child says okay. When mommy's wrong, she knows how to apologize. And mommy's also human and she sometimes screams, "I'll forgive her." More than that, you already teaching the child that when you do something wrong, you come and apologize. The child will now go when they do something wrong will understand. I will do wrong things in my life, but at least let let me be a mench and acknowledge it and apologize. So, anything that you do, you're giving it to your child. So, when you walk into the home after your day of work or whatever you do, you have to take a 5 minute break and think, what am I bringing into the home right now? I'm angry because everybody annoyed me. I'm hot. I'm I'm I'm whatever. Okay, sit down, relax for two minutes, drink something cold, then come into the interaction. You pick up your child from the from the kindergarten, from school, take five minutes to say, "Okay, there's another human being now, a fragile human human being that will now be in in my in my way. If I have a lot of issues right now, then I have to get rid of these issues for 5 minutes to put them aside. I can't I can't throw them on my child right now. Now I said before that our children actually came to refine us. The reality is that we are dealing with those sorts of issues. Doesn't matter right now if we're carrying them for 40 years from our childhood. Doesn't matter what. Why are we dealing with issues? But our children came to refine us. And if I'm looking at my child as my mirror that actually comes to refine me that by default will make me appreciate and respect my child much more besides the fact that each and every one of us has a lot of faults. We're human being we were born with these faults. We came here to fix these faults. Now, if I'm not going to be aware of these faults and and and have the acknowledgement that I have to fix them, if I have an issue with patience, it's not my children's problem. It's my problem. And if I'm not going to work on it, then I'm losing out here because I came to this world not to live here for 60 years or 70 years or 80 years. I came here to fix my midot. That's why I came here, my attributes. Khu was kind enough to give us a guide. He gave us Torah and he gave us mitzvah. Torah and mitzvah are air and food to sh the same way that you eat and you breathe every day. And you cannot deprive yourself from breathing. No person will say okay to know you know today we don't really need to breathe all day long. Let's take five minute breaks. You don't do that and you don't segregate yourself from food. So Torah and mitzvah are the food and the and the air for shama. But we came down to this world for 60 70 80 years to refine my midot. This is a concept that is called tikun midot and each person will have a few midot that they have to work on. And the thing is that our children will come to point them out. And if I if I have an issue with my my my anger, it's not because my child is making a mess on the floor. And if I have an issue with patience, it's not because my child dropped something or spilled something on the floor. It's my issue. It's not my child issue. And I should not take my issues and and and project it on the child. A, it's not fair, first of all. be the result the devastation the result is going to be devastating for the long run. Maybe for the short run no but for the long run. So everything that the child sees, they register and they copy. You know, sometimes I have on my phone, I keep it as proof cuz my little kids, they have the toys is a talis and fill in and they put it on like a fake fill in of course and they pretend they're they're like praying. Why? They see the father doing a certain thing. They want to do the same thing. I mean, no, the thing is that the child will copy the parents. So we can't come and demand things from our children if I'm not doing it myself. So if I'm not doing anything myself, don't don't don't even dare to demand the child to do that. If I'm if I want my child to be honest, you can't, you know, make a show around the child. You have to be 100% honest. And if for whatever reason the situation has to be in a way that you have to manipulate the the truth for one second then at least try to to make sure that you're not doing it next to the child or at least explain to the child why you have to behave like that. The point is that you design the child till the agent of bar and bat mitzvah you are 100% responsible. Once they hit bar and bar mitzvah most of the job is already done. At this point you just have to just support the system. Now the point is you you said exactly the the the concept you have to build the backbone the the the spine of the child because for the first few years they don't have a spine physically they do spiritually emotionally and and mentally they don't have a spine. You have to build it. It has to be built strong. So the entire structure of the home has to be strong and healthy. And if the parents have schlumbai issues, they have to make sure that they're fighting in the room and the door is closed when the kids are asleep. I'm not joking because parents fight next to the kids. The second that the kid will see the father humiliating the mom or calling her names or saying or mocking her or making fun of her. First of all, if the child has a little bit more favor to the mom, that's it. The father is is gam. the child will never respect him. And in most cases, children, especially when they're a lot next to the mom, they tend to love the mom more because the father's at work all day long. And some fathers, you know, they're tough. They're their is being strict because by default, the husband is more they scream. They they they're more firm. The woman is more like loving and kissing and much. So in in the early stages the child has more developed love for the mom especially if the mom breastfeeds. If the mom breastfeeds the connection between the child and the and the and the mom is very very powerful. So if shalom the father will humiliate the mom or will say something not nice. The child that loves the mom extra that's it. The father now is okay I don't want to I I don't like daddy today. And the damage that is done is this separation. The result will be that there's no good communication and a good relationship between the parent and the children. So the f foundations that one needs to focus on in is first of all you want to go back to how it all started and if there's something wrong along the way you have to chew for that. You have to change it. Then if you're already if you're still in the years that it's in the bar and bat mitzvah then it's your entire spiritual work that will affect the kids directly and you have to take that to consideration. You have to say okay the more I work on myself it will manifest and affect the child. So if I don't want to do it for myself do it to the child. Then what I bring into the home starts with my what I feed my kids. Feed through the mouth, feed through the eyes, feed through the ears. It's not only the kosher food. It's the kosher things that they watch on the on the on the TV. Better even to minimize that. Kids don't need to look at a screen once a week. Let them watch a movie or something. But it's not a healthy thing to bring up the kids on the screens. I totally I explained that the whole screen is is a disease. There's a clipper in the in the in the screen. Now the whole lecture that I teaching about the whole concept of the this screen I call it the war the war of screens. The go the z is talking about that is going to be before mashia comes going to be a war go there three wars is talking about three wars. Two of them we already had first world war and second world war. But the third world war we're already having it. We're having we're already in the the middle of go. Go doesn't need to be nuclear bombs. Shalom. It will manifest from the spiritual to the physical. Then we'll have nuclear bombs. But the war is we already started a long time ago. The z when it's talking about go it's calling it gigim is a war of thoughts. Now what is the war of thoughts? Is the screens. Everybody's hypnotized by the screens all day long. You're like like it's a like like a life support system. you know it beeps you jump. Now the kids they they get affected from that and there's a kipa there's a certain impurity in the screens that's why the the the the generation they say don't don't have these things take the TV out of the house take these smartphones everything not because of the the the show that's on it there's a certain impurity in the screen just a kipa it's a very powerful kipa that you're getting hypnotized to that if you're looking at people they're hypnotized to the screen all day long all day long if you will psychoanalyze your day you'll see how many now is you're glued to a screen and 90% of it is nonsense to check your email here and there fine here and there to check your messages good you use it as a whatever GPS here and there shopping fine this is normal but if you're really true to yourself look how many hours you're wasting wasting on the screen now you somehow already know how to handle it cuz you didn't grow up with that but the child that constantly they get this draw to the screen there's a very powerful clip in it clip is a a a spiritual a negative spiritual power. Hold on, I'm going to be done in a second. Then we're going to take questions. So, what you're bringing into the home is extremely extremely important. What they see, even what they hear. We made an experiment not too long ago in in a high school of teenage girls that it's some to some extent a religious high school, but the girls not coming from religious homes. So in the school they're modest and they eat kosher food and they learn half day Torah. When they go home the the dress goes off and they're with pants and and and they change completely. I mean they don't come to school with makeup and go out of school right away. The makeup goes on. So I'm not saying anything in a negative way. I'm not judging. I'm just saying this is the type of of of group we did the experiment experiment on and it started that I told them that the secular music that they're listening to directly affects them and they were contradicting me it's there's nothing wrong with the music I told him let's make an experiment let's cut the music for one month and let's see what will be the result from one month of not not listening to secular music and the result was for the ones who actually participated much more focused in their in their studying much less negative desires for all sorts of ne negative habits and so many different things the level of was reduced everything the way they were talking every little thing was directly affected. So it might sound far-fetched but what you listen to also make a difference. You want to make sure that the music in the home is is coming from a holy source. You want to make sure that the stories you read your kids are holy stories from the Bible from Tanakh that the books that they read. You want to make sure that the house is holy. Last class we were talking about bringing the the holiness into the home. This is what radiates and affects the child. So every little thing in the house you want to make sure that is holy. You want to make sure that you have guests in the home. Guests bring the into the home and you don't talk about the guests when they leave the home. You want to make sure that your Shabbat table is holy, that there's Torah in the house. You want to make sure all these little things the child sees and they register. And the bottom line is is that you you are the role model of the child. Do not expect from the child to behave a certain way if you're not behaving that way. And if you have all sorts of issues that you need to deal with and I'm not saying it in a negative way to don't mock anyone by saying issues. I'm maybe it sounds not nice. Maybe it's how I'm expressing myself. But if we have, we all have to deal with things. We're not that's how we were we came to this world. Each person has to deal with certain things which is normal. That's that's our avod. But you can't project it and throw it on the child and the child will actually will come to emphasize what you really have to work on. So you have to meditate 5 minutes before you interact with the child and you have to give your utmost attention and love to the child. The children need to be surrounded with love. And if you nourish the child with love and affection and attention and where the child comes to you with a question, you don't blow up with the child, leave me alone now. Don't you see that I'm working? That's not a reaction. The reaction is to say, okay, what's more important right now? Me finishing what I need to do or taking a deep breath and turning to the child? Yes, how can I help you? Now, essentially, who it helps? only yourself because if you have a problem with with patience, a lot of people say, "Yeah, my children annoy me." No, no, no, they don't annoy you. You have to work on your patience. You have to know how to control it. You have to take courses in tikuno midot have a lot of videos online. Go and listen to them. How you refine your midot that's why our sages told us pray first thing in the morning. How you start your day, that's how you will project the entire day. The first thing we do, we wash our hands. There's impurity on our hands. It's very strong impurity on our hands. The minhag of many people is they put you put the wash the water next to your bed. According to you're not even allowed to walk four steps before you wash your hands. You want to wash your hands first thing in the morning. It might seem like a very basic thing. Okay, big deal. S wash it in 10 minutes when I go down. You wash it right when you wake up in the morning because the power of impurity that's on your hand is powerful. Start touching your eyes, your ears, your face. You go and touch food, you touch the kids. There's impurity in it. Very powerful impurity. The impurity of sleeping. The first thing that you do, you say your morning prayers. Don't wait till 11:00 in the morning when everybody leaves. Takes the take these three minutes to say your morning prayer. Because in the morning prayers, the how they put it in, you're saying a few from the Torah. You're saying the first of the day, you're bringing some holiness into your system. If you can wake up an hour earlier, then pray before your your kids wake up. You're a total different person. My wife goes to sleep earlier. So she can wake up earlier before the kids get up. So she can pray that when they wake up, she's already after I did my morning prayers, after I did whatever I need to do, my mind now is clear. It's pure. I'm ready to deal now with these beautiful namot that Hashem gave them to me. And you design your day around them. They come home at 12, they come home at 1. The house has to be ready for them. You do what you need to do during the day. During you do what you need to do at the end of the day. Needless to say that the entire energy in the house has to be pure and clean. And if this is not 100%, then this has to be high priority. How do I bring this energy into my home? How do I make sure that my husband he has to go and pray in a minyan? There's a big difference why he prays in a minyan. He has to learn Torah. He has to do what he needs to do. You have issues with with schlomite. It has to be worked on for the sake of the kids. You are a screen that the child sees all day long. If you accept Shabbat 2 minutes after the time, forget about the energy in the home right now. Then your child will learn that it's fine and it's okay to do the mitzvah the last minute. That's it. Don't expect later the child to be super duper fuz cuz our generation is a very a lot of temptation. But if you accept Shabbat 10 minutes before and you're relaxed and happy and smiling and the child will say, "Oh, mitzvah we do way before the time." And I see how mommy, oh, mommy's relaxed and clean and so all these little things the child looks and they register. So ultimately when you're thinking of it, it's a circle. You want to give good education to the kid, but the it back goes back to you that you're actually refining yourself. You're elevating yourself. You're making yourself more closer to the because you want to give a good example to the child. So what you need to take from this little and general class about that you are a screen that your child is looking at all day long. Now you have to do your own aoda. You have to refine yourself. You have to grow spiritually. You have to work on yourself. You have to work on your schlumbai on your relationship with your husband. You have to have you have business. You have friends. This is your avoda. Your child is the one who's going to keep you the right way. So you have to respect the child. Ultimately you you are the source of everything to the child and you have to internalize it. And even if you need to take 5 minutes throughout your day, if you need to write it down and every day read it, then make yourself notes. What am I to my child? I'm their hero. I'm their role model. I'm their backbone. I'm their machet to lean on. I'm I'm I'm their supporter. Read it for yourself. Chant it before they come home that you're saying, "Okay, this little child, this innocent nashama is walking home now. All he wants to say is to tell you how they glued something in in the kindergarten or something that happened to them or something bad happened. They want to come to share it. If they're not if a child keeps stuff inside it will get buried and buried and buried and when they're 16 at some point it will explode because it was not never released. 99% of the problems of adults in our generation, whether it's depression, anxiety, fears, uncertainty, lack of imuna, all these things, you know where they come from? From baggage they're carrying from when they were 7 years old cuz nobody gave them a hug at the right moment. So, they're carrying knots in their in a shama for 40 years. Now, at this point, they don't even know how to let go of the knot. They don't know how to to let it go cuz when they were 8 years old, something happened and it wasn't treated right away. The the the the the blemish was not covered right away. So, you have to make sure that the child is is open and free to come and tell you whatever whatever needs whatever it needs to to spit out. If they don't spit it out, it stays inside. And a child is a spring. The more you at some point when it's time to release it will release very very strong. So parents are always surprised when the child is suddenly 12. Oh he has ADD. He has this he has learning disorders. He has no problems. He's just carrying all sorts of junk that you gave him for 12 13 years. So the the responsibility and the and the and the effect that you have in is one of the most important things you need to take to consideration besides for the for the the long run what it will do to the child. You are literally designing the next generation. This is this is our responsibility. Now you're looking in our generation right now. If you have complaints on the generations then we have to look generation back. What did they do? Ultimately you have to to to constantly internalize how important is your mission. You are on a mission. You were selected by the master of the universe to be a parent. And the right way to do it is every day to to understand to bring it down to the level that you understand. Okay, I I have a job to do. What am how am I preparing myself? And when you're taking all these points and you actually utilize it, you'll be able to reach to a point that besides that the education you give to your kid is in the highest level, you're designing a mench and and our sages say first make a person a mench. Don't worry about the Torah. They learn Torah. If he's a man, he will learn Torah. He will not lie. He will not steal. He will not cheat. Needless to say, Needless to say, you know, we have a custom in our home. My boys all do kush. My three-year-old, he does kush for and for them to be happy that they have a kdish cup and you know the attention. But my wife always tells them when they drink from their cup, give me a sip. And they always drink. They come to her, they give her from the little cup and she tells them one day you're going to respect your wife when you do kush and you make sure she gets a sip from your kush and you always give to your to your wife everything you came to help her. So what you put what you build into the child when he's a kid it will mimic it. It will become like a mold. I don't know if that's the right word, but like a a custom fit. Whatever you put into the child, children repeat it themselves. Look at your own at your own self. You have habits from when you were a kid. You carry it out with you. You want to make sure that the child sees a certain patterns and it becomes their second nature. So all these little things whether you need to internalize it in your memory or write it down or put it on the fridge or whatever every little thing that you do directly affects every every child every person. Needless to say the amount of nut you get in the future and the amount of nut you get when there's grandchildren because they will give the children what you gave them. And you want to see in your grandchildren your fruits. I I did that. I gave that. Forget about I'm not talking about in an ego way. It's a nat. I was able to come down to the world and leave a mark. I'm leaving behind me a path that somebody once say, "Oh, you know, yeah, the great-grandfather, the great-grandmother." Oh, up until the the last day of my grandmother's day, she died when she was 92 years old. Up 92, up until the last day, she kept saying, "Oh, my father did this. My Zi used to do that." This goes engraved in the memory. So you are literally a role model of a child and you are a hero. You are the hero of the child. So you know the hero cannot cannot mess up. I mean here and there you can mess up a little bit but the point is that if you're already messing up you have to be mature enough to come and say to the child I messed up. We mess up sometimes but we clean up the mess and we know how to reverse it. Every little word that comes out of your mouth has to be calculated. Every every every movement has to be calculated and it's so important because you are leaving this mark on the child. So you should take the the little that we talked about and we can maybe even do that all our is just talking about what I told you now is nothing. It's not even the rashim the the the the head of the chapters in I mean there's a lot of good books in there actually there's a lot of good books in coming from many different opinions but the real is is is you know doing practically doing it and the ultimate source that will give us the right tools is only the Torah. The Torah will constantly will teach you. If you look the Torah, last week we read the two weeks ago is like the DNA of everything. And if you're looking at the ten commandments, they you know it goes by hierarchy. The most important was said the first and the least important is last. Look at where honor your father and mother is where he before not to kill, not to commit adultery, not to steal. Number five. Number five. The kadosh is already you have to learn to respect and honor your parents. Now respect you you earn. You don't demand. Excuse me. Not love, respect. But also respect you don't you don't you earn it. You don't demand it. Every little word that comes out of your mouth, every action has to be calculated and and and thought and planned and you have a partner. You have to discuss it with a partner to sit with your partner once a week, once every two weeks and make plans. What are we doing with the kids? Where are we taking them? Where are we improving their life? How can we make them more better and better? The point is there's a lot of things to do. I hope I gave you a little bit of a little bit of material to think about. But Hashem should bless you that you should have the that and the knowledge and the and the patience to be able to to to design and to construct unbelievable human beings that will go later on to the world and represent your home. We'll present our nation. We'll present our our country throughout the generations. and with the with the power of the and what we put in our kids just because of the power of the merits of the kids we can merit to have the Mashiach to come very soon. Yes, you can ask a lot of questions.