Are you a successful criticizer? - Parashat Devarim - Rabbi Alon Anava

We are in Parshat Devarim. We're starting a brand new Chumash this week. Also this week, the diaspora and Israel are back together for the last uh almost 2 months, the diaspora was lagging before behind in the parashot because of Shavuot. And we were one parasha ahead. Now we're matched together back to Parshat Devarim starting a brand new Chumash. And I want to address today a very important, yet sensitive, difficult, and hard thing that we all try to somehow incorporate into our life, but find it very difficult to be successful. Now, we're all doesn't matter who you are, you're either a parent, you're either a spouse, you're either an educator, and you can be even a friend. That that don't have to be such a unique individual. We all part of it that not once or not twice we wanted to help somebody by telling them something that they're doing wrong. And it's coming from a place of love. I'm not even calling it at this point a rebuke. I'm just telling that I you, me, everyone you want to help another person cuz you notice them doing something inappropriate, wrong, difficult, whatever it is. And you want to say say or share your opinion and that opens up World War III. And what did I say? I just wanted to say something to improve your behavior. Now, of course, this will come a lot in marriages, in relationship between parents and kids, but it comes often between one person to another. And all I wanted to do is help. I'm noticing you doing something inappropriate, wrong, or could be even as worse as a sin, and I'm just trying to to help. Oh, you know what? Sometimes something sits on my mind, and I I I I think I can tell you what's on my mind, whether it's my wife, my kids, my boss, my employee. And that triggers World War III. And how can I find the way to approach a person that does something that bothers me? And I have all the rights in the world to say something that bothers me, especially if it's in a important relationship, but how do I do that without triggering the other person to be upset, angry, and flip out, and be completely against me? So, I'm sure you had this encounter not once and not twice, that you're coming from a good place, or you feel that you are mistreated, and so forth, and there's no communication. Now, the reality is that in most encounters, that's there going to be the results. There are very little encounters that they result from approaching with a with a problem, it comes smoothly. Cuz you know why? Because most people have an ego, and they don't like when you come and tell them something that they did wrong. So, with that said, this week's parashah, and the next few, by the way, we are introduced to a different approach in the Torah. The last four books are really Uh, you know, Hashem talking to the to the world, to the people through Moses, through Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob and many encounters. But the entire Chumash of Devarim, it's Moshe Rabbeinu talking. Even though it's called the Five Books of Moses, really this is the book of Moses because he's the one who's talking and all the other books Hashem is talking. How many times it says in the Torah, "Vayedaber Hashem el Moshe lemor." That Hashem spoke to Moshe in order for him to give it over. This entire Chumash, Moshe is talking to the nation. And in the next few parashot, he's not talking nice things. He starts the Chumash by telling them a few things and then he goes on a rampage of three parashot. This week's parasha, next week, all the way to Ekev, and Moshe Rabbeinu is giving it to them. Now, what's interesting here is this whole thing happens five weeks before Moshe dies. Where were you 40 years approaching the nation? Now, five weeks before you die, you talk to the entire nation. Lenei kol Yisrael, and now Moshe Rabbeinu opens up his mouth and he lets it all go. Now, up until now, Moshe was the image or the the the leader that was uh symbolized by love, unconditional love to the nation. Fought for the nation, was willing to be erased from the Torah if chas v'shalom Hashem doesn't uh uh forgive the nation. Loving, caring, supporting, never said anything. Okay, one time, a slip of the tongue. He says, "Shim'u na hamorim." Listen to me, you rebels. At the time with the water, the incident with the water and the rock. But for 40 years kept his mouth shut, never said anything, showed great love and caring to the nation. What happened? What what what what suddenly changes the approach of Moshe Rabbeinu after 40 years of leading the nation? Greatly, suddenly, he flips over. Now, as I mentioned, the whole thing happens 5 weeks before Moshe Rabbeinu dies. As if he knew that he's about to die, he knew that he's about to give over the leadership to Yehoshua, and he says, "Okay, now's the time to let them know what I really think." And he talks to the entire nation of Israel. Not just to the sages, just to the Kohanim, to the priests. Call call Israel. Like as if he had some Zoom broadcasting system and he's talking to everybody and somehow miraculously they all heard him. Now, you would think that before Moshe Moshe Rabbeinu leaves, what would you expect him to conclude the 40 years? With blessings. "I'm about to leave. I want to bless you that you should be successful, that you should have nachas, happiness from your kids." That's what you would expect, no? That Moshe Rabbeinu should give them send them off with blessings. "I'm about to leave. I want to leave uh you know, a good memory, some uh you know, some good taste in my mouth in your mouth." Okay. All that you hear is just complaints. For the next three parshiot, all we're going to hear is complaints. One complaint after the other what we didn't hear for 40 years. Now, that begs two questions. First of all, now? Before you leave? Why now? At least leave some leave us with some nice memory. And the more difficult question is, where were you till today? And if you're rebuking us to make us better, wouldn't it make sense that you would rebuke us 40 years ago that we can do chuvah? Now? What took you 40 years to wake up? Moshe? Okay, Rashi says something very, very interesting. Rashi says, you know why Moshe Rabbeinu kept his mouth shut for 40 years? He says, it wasn't the right time. He says it in a in a more metaphorical way, the time was not ripe. Okay, 40 years didn't the time didn't ripe? What are you waiting for the right moment? Yeah, Rashi says, yeah, he was waiting for the right moment. It wasn't the right time to talk to them. He had to wait for the right time. Okay. So now comes another question. What's the right time? It's almost like me saying, listen, I have an issue with with my kid. Some something bothers me with my wife. Well, I'm going to wait 40 years to tell her? It's not the right time when she came home upset from work. You know, so when is the right time? When do you tell somebody what's on your heart? Which that of course we're going to address throughout the class. Is it the right thing to do or the wrong thing to do when something's sitting on your heart? Is it good to keep it in or is it or do you have to say it? We'll address that as we go. So, now we are presented with three questions. First of all, why is Moshe Rabbeinu doing it right before he leaves? He's uh leave uh on a good note. Second question, where were you for 40 years? What took you so long to rebuke the nation? And the third question now is, uh okay, you you you answered the second question with saying it wasn't the right time. So, the third question, so what is the right time? How do you determine the right time to open your mouth and tell the person in front of you what is on your mind or on your heart? Now comes another problem. Is the Torah commands us to rebuke my fellow friend. That's a commandment from the Torah. So, if the Torah is commanding me to rebuke, this mitzvah is called to the mitzvah. If the Torah is commanding me to rebuke my fellow, then why why did Moshe Rabbeinu wait so long? Now, interestingly on that, the Gemara says there's many mitzvot to do, but one of them is very very difficult. Now, you would think maybe our sages will say, you know, observing Shabbat it's very difficult. Or not speaking not slandering another person, that's very very difficult. Our sages don't choose to say that. Our sages choose to say about one mitzvah that is very difficult and almost impossible to do, what is the mitzvah? Of rebuking and proving your fellow friend. That's what our sages choose to say, that's a very hard mitzvah to do. I mean, Shabbat that's should go on like that. Kosher, slandering, everything, not to murder, not to commit adultery, that's as they say easy peasy, right? That's what they say? But to rebuke another person, that I don't think you you can handle that. Which now comes and sheds some light that up until now all the rebukes that we do is not the real rebuke, it's coming from a place of either anger, a place of ego, a place of control. It's not It's not a real rebuke. Now, just to be official, the mitzvah that we're talking about The mitzvah in Hebrew is called You can find it in the book of Vayikra, chapter 19, verse 17. And there the translation the the verse goes, "You shall not hate your brother in your heart." Which means that if I'm not telling you what you're doing wrong, I actually hate you. "You shall surely rebuke rebuke your fellow. You have to rebuke your fellow." Whether it's your son, your daughter, your wife, your boss, doesn't matter. Now comes the big question. Why did our sages choose that is a mitzvah that is hard to do? I find many other mitzvahs difficult to do. That? So, our sages say, "You know why that mitzvah is very difficult to do? Because very few people are willing to accept rebuke." If you would be accepting the rebuke, it would be easy for me to come and tell you what you're doing wrong. But since it's not easy for people to accept it, in most cases people don't accept it, therefore it becomes a very difficult mitzvah to do cuz I can't really do it. If I'm now walking on eggshells cuz I don't want to tell you something that you're doing, and for that I can't rebuke you, then of course it's difficult to do. And now my mind I have to when do I when is the good time? When should I tell him without him flipping out? So, this is the case. How do you do it? How do you rebuke another person? On one hand, the Torah commands you to do it. Which means that when I see you doing something wrong, inappropriate, unacceptable, I have to come and tell you excuse me. Sorry, I didn't I don't want to bother you much. I know you're having a pretty bad day, but uh So, how do I do it? If the Torah is already commanding me, then give me the the ways how to do it. How many times did you try to help another person by saying something like that, and you got a normal response? I mean, you tried a few times, but when did you get a normal response? Most of the response will be a uh uh a uh uh uh comeback. Not like, "Oh, okay, I'm sorry. I didn't notice." It usually will come back as some other response. Okay. So, when the Talmud is talking about that this is a very difficult mitzvah to do, it says, "Who can actually fulfill this mitzvah?" And of course, the Talmud is saying it's very difficult to do. Why? Because when you're coming and approaching a person, right away you'll get a war. And again, with exceptions, many times you will tell a person something they did, and they will accept it. In many of the cases, they won't just won't react. Let's say there's a little bit of refinement. They won't react bad, but they don't accept the rebuke. You're talking about a fraction of the times that a person will actually accept the rebuke and be like, "Wow, thank you so much that you're telling me that." Now, what would be the cause that most people will not accept the rebuke? It's because of ego. Pride. The pride will not allow them to accept, "Why are you telling me that I'm doing something wrong?" Now, the Talmud, when it's addressing this issue, it says that if a person will come, the the example that it says that a person comes and tells their friend, "Uh by the way, you you have something stuck in your teeth." Now, wouldn't what wouldn't you want somebody to come and tell you, uh you know? I told you the story not once and not twice, maybe a thousand times already. The one time I gave a class, after the class was done, it was loaded on YouTube. After a day or two, somehow, I don't even know why, I saw the video. And the whole class, my entire peyos standing like this. I look like Krusty the Clown, like one is like a one antenna. And I'm like, "Oh, no. Oh, no." And it happens to be that my kids were with me. They were laughing. "Look how you look." And I'm like, "Oh my gosh. I look like a fool." I I wait Oh, my god. And I tell the the editor, the YouTube guy, "Get it off. Take it off." He's like, "What do you mean take it off? You know how many places this video's already on? It's all over the place. You can't take it off." And in my mind, I'm like, "Uh this is ridiculous. I look like a fool." But I came to the conclusion, I said, "Okay, you know what? A few thousand people got a good laugh. Good. Nothing wrong with me looking like a fool." But the next day, when I returned to class, I told the local people, "You couldn't tell me? You're sitting in front of me. You don't see that my peyos sticking out. You can't just go like this to me? Why won't you tell me that? Now, wouldn't you want somebody to come and tell you, "Uh by the way, your your Sometimes your collar is off, whatever, something is it looks weird. Now, you don't see it? You know how many times happens that I leave the home and there's some dirt in the beard. I need somebody to come and tell me, "Uh by the way, your So, the Talmud says, gives an example that a person has something stuck between their teeth. How many times do you eat something, there's something in your tooth? And imagine you going to your million-dollar uh interview or some business deal, and you have a piece of seven stuck in your tooth, then you look like a fool. So, the example that the Talmud says is that a person comes to his friend and tells him, "Take a toothpick, you have something stuck in your tooth." And the person lashes out at them and tells him, "I have something between my teeth? You have a bar between your eyes that you can't even see yourself." I came to tell you have something stuck in your tooth. You look like a fool, and you're attacking me back. Now, the thing is, it's the How does the Talmud conclude the story? It's not that there's no person that knows how to receive the rebuke. The problem is that nobody knows how to tell the rebuke. Receiving the rebuke, that's one thing. Nobody knows how to receive it. No one wants to hear their faults. The problem that the Talmud concludes is nobody knows how to say it. Even when I come to say, "Listen, you have something stuck in your teeth." Say it in a nice way. Say it in a loving, caring, quiet. You don't have to say publicly. So, before we continue, just to emphasize the idea of the say how you say the message, I'll tell you a quick story. I think I told you the story not once and not twice, but I'll say it again in case you forgot. That there was once uh a single mother and with little kids that couldn't make ends meet. One month after the other dragged more and more debt, and at some point, the bank wasn't willing to take it, and they gave the lady a notice that she has to leave the apartment, and they're going to throw her out to the street. She didn't know what to do. Crying, upset, she goes to the rabbi and tells him, "This is the situation. What am I going to do?" And he says, "You know I actually know the banker. I'm going to go and talk to him. Please, rabbi, whatever you can do, I will be grateful." So, the rabbi chooses to go to the banker not during business hours into his home. He goes to his house in the evening. Happens to be it was winter, it was cold. The rabbi knocks on the door. The guy opens the door and says, "Oh, rabbi, whoa, father, you know, the rabbi comes to me. How can I help you? Come in." "No, no, no, no, no, no need to come in. I just wanted to tell you one very short thing and then I'll be on my way." "Of course, what do you have to say?" So, the rabbi starts telling him about the weekly portion and then starts telling him here and telling that. Oh, it starts getting cold. Now, the guy is standing outside like, "Rabbi, you know, it's a little bit cold. Maybe you'll step in. I'll make you a cup of tea." "No, no, no, I'll be going to be on my way in a minute. I just came to tell you something very, very small." And he tells him a story and another thing and this. The guy is like already shivering and in his mind, "Oh, rabbi, maybe you come in. I mean, it's it's it's very cold." He says, "No, no, no, I'll be on my way in 1 second. I just came to tell you one short thing. You know, Mrs. So-and-so that you said that you're about to throw them to the street, you're not comfortable right now in the cold, right?" He's like, "No, I'm freezing." He's like, "Well, that's how they're going to feel if you're going to throw them to the streets." And the banker got the point. If the message would be said while he's in a heated room, HE WOULDN'T ACCEPT. NO, SHE OWES THE MONEY. WE can't do it anymore. When he was outside freezing, he got the point. So, it's not the message, it's how the message is given. That's why the Talmud said, "It's not that you can't accept the rebuke. It's the people who give the rebuke don't know how to give it." Now, since I am a father, I'm a husband, I'm a boss, I'm many things, I need to know how to give rebuke. I have kids. I have a lot of situations in my life that I need to give a rebuke. And I'm not limiting it to me cuz one might say, "Okay, you know, you're a rabbi for many students. You need to know how to give rebuke." And I'm saying that as a side note that most rabbis don't even know how to give rebuke. Either they don't give it at all cuz it will hurt their popularity or their image or whatever. Oh, when they give it, they butcher the person. Not too long ago It's actually is too long ago. I was about to say not too long ago. I was on one one of my tours. 3 years now is marking the last tour I did ever. So, it's already long ago. But nevertheless, somebody met me. Oh, I watch all your videos and all the I love two rabbis, you and Rabbi So-and-so. Okay. And he tells me, "You know the difference between you and him? Rabbi So-and-so is like a butcher. You You're like a surgeon. Quietly you and you It's not painful. You don't feel, but you do the same job. But just no no no pain. So, most rabbis don't even know how to give rebuke and that's their job, by the way. But nevertheless, going back to what we were saying, it's not that most people don't know how to accept the rebuke. It's most people don't know how to give the rebuke. Now, whether I'm a father, a parent, a teacher, it doesn't matter. You all will come to a point that you have to face your spouse, your neighbor, your your your your your partner. It doesn't matter. Tell them what's on your heart. And that will come under the umbrella of rebuke or request or a comment. So, how do you do it? How do you do it that the other person will accept what you have to say? Not too long ago, even, I met an individual that unfortunately hard times he had to lay off had to fire some of the workers. He comes and tells me I have a guy working for me for 20 years. How do I fire him without him being upset? I don't want to fire him. He's a great worker. But we don't have the money. We don't have the job. We don't have any more work. How do How do I How do I do that? And letting the person leave I unfortunately I can't even give him any bonus or anything. How do I do that? The person will be upset. Now you're firing me. I can barely pay my my bills. Now you're going to fire me? How do you do such a thing? So I'm now broadering broading the options of how do I do such a thing? So to make a little bit of seder a little bit of order here then in this Chumash this book the fifth book of the Torah then like I told you before this it's this should be called the book of Moses not all five of them. But nevertheless Moshe Rabbenu starts the book starts the parashah with rebuke. Right away. No preparation here. Right away lets it go. But he starts it in a very unique way by saying all sorts of locations that they were but we never really heard of these locations. Dizahab Mul Suf It's not locations that we read in the Torah. If you would say the names of the places where they parked I understand. But you're throwing all these names first and weird that he's just throwing all these locations. I once heard a beautiful explanation that you know when a father goes on a vacation with his kids then he tells them listen I want you to behave I want us to have a nice vacation. And please don't misbehave. You remember what happened when we're when we're when we went to Yerushalayim? He doesn't say what happened. Just remember when we were Oh, hm. Remember when we were at your aunt? Oh, yeah. So, he doesn't say what happened. He just says remember when The same thing. So, some of the commentaries says, "Yeah, Moshe Rabbeinu was naming places. He didn't want to say what really happened there. He just said the place that Oh, yeah, yeah, we remember." But why are you using places that we never heard of? Say the actual place. Why are you using all these words? Okay. So, the Rashbam, a commentary, he says, "No, it's uh it's talking about locations where they did sins." Rashi says, "No." Uh it's like codes to the failures. He's just reminding them. He's not telling them really the place or what happened. Kind of like a reminder. Remember then? Oh, yeah. But that's a a weird way to start your rebuke. Okay. Now, of course, we're going to have to address the first question. Why did Moshe Rabbeinu wait 40 years? Okay. So, Rashi says, "Yeah, uh it wasn't the right time." But it doesn't even make sense because all of the sins that Moshe Rabbeinu is rebuking them was the previous generation. Now, you're talking 40 years later. It's a brand new generation. So, are you telling the kids "You know, remember what happened there?" I wasn't even alive. So, besides that the time wasn't right. It's not the right crowd. It's like me rebuking my grandkids for the actions their parents did, my kids. My grandkids would be like, "I don't know what you're talking about. I wasn't even born. It was 40 years ago." So, why is Moshe Rabbeinu now waiting 40 years to give it to the new generation. Wouldn't you say to the older generation that they can repent and do chuvah now that you waited for all of them to die? And then the new generation comes in. They're about to go into the land of Israel. Now you remember to open your mouth. Okay. So first of all as we said, why didn't you do it before that? And the same question in a different way, why now? Don't we don't understand it. This doesn't make sense. Okay. So Rashi says it makes perfect sense. Because you know I Moshiach waited for 40 years. He waited before the farewell. And you know why? Because if he would say it a long time ago then the kids, so to say, will be like, okay, our father just, you know, rebukes us. They will get up and leave. If you would have a father that all day long would bang on your head, you're bad, you're wrong, you failing, you this, the kid would say, to hell with it, I'm out. So Rashi says, Moshiach says if he would rebuke then then they will be like, you know what? That's the type of leader we have, a leader that bangs us on our head all day long. I'm not staying here. I'll find myself a new leader. More than that then of course later on Rashi says, Moshiach learned it from Jacob. Jacob did the same thing. Jacob rebuked the 12 tribes moments before he died. He also didn't send them with presents and and an inheritance. He did right away on the deathbed was telling them all the bad things. So later on the commentary says, Moshiach learned it from Jacob. But Rashi is trying to be nice and kind and and courteous and saying, you know, Moshiach just made a quick calculation that if he would constantly rebuke them, nobody will stay. They wouldn't like him. They wouldn't even listen to him. But now this is brings us to a big problem. If that's really what Moshiach was waiting for or that was his approach then he's not fulfilling the mitzvah that he taught us about Hochiah tochiach es amitecha. He taught us that we have to rebuke our fellow. So he himself is not doing it. So Rashi's explanation is very nice, but that doesn't resonate very well. Why would Moshe Rabbeinu do it? So there's an interesting explanation that's saying that Hochiah tochiach es amitecha, you shall surely rebuke your fellow is when the person is about to do a sin and you're stopping the person from doing a sin. You're sitting in the shul, a person is talking behind you, you turn around. about to sin. Or the person is coming and telling you, "You know what I heard?" Lashon hara, I don't know what you heard, I don't want to hear what you heard. Let's both be saved from lashon hara. So some will say that Hochiah tochiach es amitecha, you shall surely rebuke your fellow is to prevent you from doing a sin. That's why the continuation of the verse says velo tisa alav chet, that you should not carry his sin. Because if I'm seeing that you're about to sin and I'm not stopping you, your sin becomes my sin cuz I could have stopped you. Now if I rebuked you and you still sinned, your sin. I didn't rebuke you and you sinned, I I carry now the sin. Read the verse. The verse ends by saying velo tisa alav chet, you should If you won't do it, you'll carry his sin. So some will say, "Okay." So the rebuking is stopping you from making a sin. And Moshe Rabbeinu when he was rebuking, it wasn't on the actual act, rather is exposing and explaining and pointing on the past to learn for the future. Whole different type of rebuke. I'm not coming and telling you stop because you're about to sin. Rather, I'm telling you, you know, in the past this and this was done. How can we change it? This is the same approach what I told you many, many times. Every time that we fast, the 10th of the vet, the 17th of Tammuz, now in Tisha B'Av. Then I always said the same thing. If you're fasting to remember what was and to cry and what happened, okay. So, so you fasted. But if you're fasting by saying, "Okay, let me see what was wrong then so I can change it." Ah, now your fast has some meaning. And I said it in the connection because many people told me when I the first became observant and up until today, have a meaningful fast. A meaningful fast? I'm starving. I'm I'm tired. I have a headache. I can't function. What's meaningful? So, it took me a decade to understand, "Oh, you know what's a meaningful fast? That I just didn't lie on the bed for 24 hours and cried that something happened 2,000 years ago. It becomes meaningful when I say, "Okay, something went wrong in the past. What am I learning from what caused it to be wrong so I can change it to the future." Ah, now your fast became meaningful. Same thing here. So, Moshe Rabbeinu wasn't rebuking them because they did a sin. Yeah, you're right. That's the previous generation. But Moshe Rabbeinu comes with the approach by saying, "You know what happened in the past? Don't repeat it. Learn from your forefathers' mistakes and change the past that the future should be a much better future." So, that's coming with a completely different approach. As some will say, Moshe Rabbeinu wasn't even rebuking. he was giving them musar. He was teaching them ethics, morals, a right a right way to conduct conduct. He wasn't banging them on the head, he was giving them nice good musar. What's wrong with that? That's actually a great blessing. Great present, a farewell present. So, with that I can understand the importance of the rebuke. And the importance of when I have something on my heart that I have to give it over. If I don't, I can't carry it with inside. If you carry what you have inside, the the the the the the anger, the the How do you say the when a person is when you're disappointment, whatever it is. The resentment. You just You know what happens when you carry it? Eventually, instead of you saying it out as a rebuke, it comes as an explosion. So, we have to understand that when I say something, whether it bothers me or it's to better you, it's it's important. You can't just keep it. You see something, you know now they have it. I remember last time I was in New York, they have on the subways all these stickers, if you see something, say something. Right? They They We had that in Israel 40 years ago when there was a When I was a kid, there was constantly these Hefaz Hashud, unidentified object, not the ones that are flying in the sky. They a bag, cuz there was bombs everywhere. So, we were educated, I remember as a little kid, if you see something, right away call the the security forces. And every second day there was a bomb squad coming and blowing up a a briefcase or something. So, if you see something, say something. Why are you just standing there? Now, when I understand the importance of me coming and approaching another person, It matter right now in what respect, a father, a a a child, spouse. The problem is that today when people are about to rebuke, they have already the attitude of they're not going to take it, they're not going to listen. Why why should I bother? You see something going on, you're like you're saying let's say you are a little bit older, you see kids do something, you coming and saying what am I going to tell these kids right now? They're going to brush me off anyways. They're not going to listen. And how many times I have said to other rabbis, why aren't you rebuking your your congregation? Why aren't you speaking out? You have a you have a stage. Oh, no, they're not going to accept it. What? What do you mean they're not going to accept it? You deciding who's going to accept what? So figure out a way how are they going to accept it. So the approach of many people is that why bother? Tell the kid he's doing something wrong. He's not going to listen. This generation. But that's not the right approach. The approach has to be no. You shouldn't accept it. You shouldn't accept it and you can't keep it inside. Sometimes there's a certain situation with between a husband and a wife and you tell the wife or the husband, why aren't you saying anything? He's like this already for the last 20 years. Nothing's going to change. But why are you accepting it? So the first point that needs to be understood is saying what you have to say is very important. It whether it's going to be accepted or not it's irrelevant right now. But it's important to say it and not to have the approach of they're not going to accept it. Okay, so figure out a way how they will accept it. So now comes the million dollar question. How do you say something to somebody, rebuke, advice, something that bothers you without triggering now World War III? And that's the question that most people ask on a daily base. How can I tell my wife now? How can I tell my boss, my employer? Whatever it is. How do I approach without starting a world war? Now, many times I can tell only on myself. I sit in a shul, somebody's talking. And I don't have any I'm not embarrassed by anybody to turn around and say, "Shh." But how many times it's in your mind? Should I say something? Should I not something? They'll accept, they're not going to accept, they're going to be angry. What's going to be the reaction? What's going to be the result? Oh, by the time you're thinking, the person is already He left. So, how do you do that? Now comes I'm going to just present another question before we address it. Is that before I told you that many say that the rebuke the to hear that I mean that you should surely rebuke your fellow is about a sin. Not me coming to my wife and telling her, you know, I'm not happy with the situation of the mess. I'm telling with my kid, I'm not happy with your grades in school. Okay, that I mean that you are about to do a sin. Now comes here a bit a great difficult the great difficulty because sometimes I see a person is about to sin. Now I have a dilemma. If I don't say anything and that person will sin, then the status of the sin is a very weak status because it's called shogeg. My mistake, he didn't know. But if I tell him and they do the sin, now it's already deliberately. It's called mezid. Now, what do you do? I had this issue 20 years ago. I went to my rabbi. I told him, "Listen, here's an individual that doesn't observe Shabbat. If I don't say anything, their Shabbat desecration is by mistake. It's shogeg. You know how it changes the the the status here? Completely different status. Shogeg, my mistake, I didn't know. Person was born in Alaska, don't even know what Shabbat. Can you hold them accountable? They don't even know what it is. Leave the person shogeg. Now, I'm going to come and tell the person, "Listen, by the way, it's Shabbat and you can't light fire and you can't do this and that." Now they already know, which means now when they sin now I made it worse for them because now they're doing it knowing. I didn't know what to do. So, at the time I went to my rabbi, I told him, I said, "What do I do?" She says that you still have to say, "Even though yes, you you're putting them in a worse place cuz now it's they're chayav, it's already mezid, deliberately. They're obligated. But because of you telling them then they you're giving them the option of doing teshuvah and repenting and fixing it. And you still have to say? You can't not say nothing. I'll give you an example how I came to that question. It's not so much on the subject, but I think it will contribute a lot to what we're talking about. Going back the the those 20 years one of my wife's good friends got married and we got an invitation. Okay, in the invitation uh whether it was on the invitation or verbal, I don't remember. I think it was verbal that my wife's friend told that they want my wife to say a blessing under the chuppah. So, in the beginning I thought they were talking uh you know, you know, you should be happy. Uh in mazel tov. I didn't know In the beginning I didn't know that they she they want her wanted my wife to read one of the sheva brachot. And I was like, "You can't read a sheva brachot under the chuppah? What What of a wedding is that?" So, when we looked at a little more in, then we understood very quickly that the type of the ceremony would be held by a reformed female rabbi, and the entire wedding is like a reformed wedding. That they wanted my wife to say a blessing under the huppah. So I told to my wife, you can't say a blessing under the huppah. And if it's a reformed ceremony, you can't even be present at the huppah. Cuz if you're present at the huppah, you are showing your consent. You are approving that this is okay. You can come to the wedding, but not stand at the huppah. Now what am I going to do? This is a childhood friend. I'm not going to show up. I said, no, we will show up. But at the time of the huppah, we'll step out. And when the huppah is over, we'll come back in. What's the big deal? Now of course me being a young excited baal teshuvah, I said, listen, we got to tell your friend that she's doing she's doing it wrong. She can't get married like that. And my wife who says, okay, you're right. We should go and tell her this is the wrong approach. You can't make a joke out of the religion, out of the Torah, having a woman officiating the the marriage. Not that we have anything against the women, but that's not acceptable. It's not the way of the Torah. This is not what you do. Besides the fact that your wedding won't be valid, etc., etc. So I went and asked my rabbi, what do I do in a situation like this? He told me, don't say anything. I said, what? Up until now now, your record shows that something is about to be done wrong, you put your foot down and you come and you say so. Now you're telling me not to say anything? He says, in this specific case, you don't say nothing. And I'll tell you why. If they marry with a reformed ceremony, then you're right. They're not really married. And every time that they will have marital relations, it's a sin. Severe sin. And if they have kids, that's a problem, because they're not even married. And there there's no marriage there, basically. Which I told you that many many times that 80% of the marriages in the world they're not marriages, by the way. I told you a a few times I have a wedding album of couples that got remarried or really married because they heard me say that. Because the majority of the couples around the world they're not really married according to the Torah. And that's a severe problem. Every time they're together physically, they're committing a severe sin. It's a man and woman that are together having marital relations, they're not even married. And many other implications with the kids and issues. Many many times when couples came to me with marital problems, specifically with their kids, we have issues with their kids, my question was, "Are you married?" "Of course we're married. Look at this diamond ring, $40,000. What are you talking about? Of course we got married. Rebbetzin Herschel married us." So, I'm sorry to tell you you're not married. Now, since you're not married, are you wondering now your kids why your kids are behaving in the wrong way? You never got married. It's a big problem what's going on in our generation because many rabbis or ones who officiate the chuppahs are not checking anything, marrying whoever they want, whatever they want, and the result is that the majority of weddings are not real weddings. Which is important to say, cuz a lot of people are married for 30 years, they don't understand why they have constantly frictions, arguments, shalom bayit issues. You're not really married. You're not really married. You're living with a person that you are not married to. Not you. Sorry, I'm looking at you, but the thing is that So, going back to my rabbi, he told me don't say anything. And I was like, "Why? But I'm now going to cause them to sin." He says, "I'll tell you what's the problem. If they don't care about how they get married the right way, what's going to happen if you going to convince them somehow? You'll put pressure, you'll convince them to get married the right way. But they don't really care about that. Now, what's going to happen in 5 years or 10 years when they divorce? They're not going to care about a get. They're just going to separate. Now, they're going to remarry, have kids, and these kids are going to be mamzerim. The translation is a bastard, but a mamzer is a child that was born from a couple that not married while they're married to another person. Not just two single people. That's not a a bastard, not a mamzer. A mamzer is that a child is born while the parents were married to other people. So, he says, "Now you have a more severe problem. Just let it be." Which was very hard for me. How am I not How am I going to stand there and see these couple getting married and I'm not stopping it? So, going back to what we were saying, how can I now put myself in this situation that I'm about to stop you from doing a sin, but I'm changing now your status. This is it's it's a it's a very difficult situation. You know, many people I know that they don't observe Shabbat, and if I come and tell them now it is Shabbat and you have to observe That's it, I changed their status completely. From being completely not obligated, not knowing, everything is not knowingly, suddenly they're obligated. But nevertheless, you have to do it. You have to do it. That's what the Torah tells you. Okay, excuse me. So, going back to our question, why did Moshe Rabbeinu wait 40 years? Then let's take the approach of Rashi, it wasn't the right time. Why? Why wasn't it the right time? Okay, I understand Rashi's approach, but why? Give an explanation why it's not the right time. Because I need to learn from this to my life. Everything that I'm learning from my Torah from the Torah is to to apply it into my life. If I didn't apply it to my life, what what it's not a history book. I need to take situations from the Torah, take a lesson from it, knowledge and how to apply it in my life. Okay, so you said it's not the right time. Why? I have a child that is misbehaving. I want to tell him off. Oh, it's not the right time. Why? I have to wait for him to be 30? And when am I When is it going to be the right time? When he's in jail? Oh, when Hashem Shalom in a I don't want to even say. What do you mean it's not the right time? And then what's the right time? When the divorce comes? When the person dies? So, the answer that we have about the why, why Moshe Rabbeinu, I'm talking about Moshe Rabbeinu right now, not you, but we have to learn from that. Why did Moshe Rabbeinu figured out it's not the right time? Because the rebuke has to come from a place of love and care. And Moshe Rabbeinu said, I didn't gain their love, trust, and respect till now to tell them what I have to say. And if I would come and say it prior, it would come as me like as a pretentious leader. Oh, I'm better than you or the Their rebuke has to come from a place of love and caring and they have to understand and know and feel that I love them and that I care for them. The fact that they didn't figure that out in the last 40 years, that's their issue. But I'm not ready to come and tell them the rebuke. Because they'll accept it the completely wrong way. Or better to say, they won't accept it. They would think that I'm coming and showing off, telling them off. They won't accept it as love. I'll tell you a quick story that I heard not too long ago. I think I even actually shared that story once. But it will clarify the approach. And of course from that we learn how to apply it into our life. So in the Lubavitch dynasty, the fourth Lubavitch Rebbe there's a very interesting story with him and his brother. It happens to be that the older brother did not become the Rebbe, the younger brother became the Rebbe. And when they were kids, they were playing. Now, they didn't have then PlayStation 3 or 4 or 5 or all the rest of the junk that the kids play today and you know, being the child of a great Rebbe, their games were different. So what did they play when they were kids? They were young and 10 years old, they played the role of a Rebbe and a Hasid. Like little girls, they play kitchen and or doctor or whatever, they played the role of I'll be the Rebbe, you'll be the student, the Hasid. Okay. So the older one, who his name was Zalman, he was the Rebbe. He went in, put the coat on, put the the gartel, the belt, the shtreimel, the whole thing, sat, took a big book, opened the book, went like this, just imagine a 10-year-old. And the younger brother Shalom, he was the Hasid. So, he comes to his brother who's now playing the Rebbe and tells him, "Rebbe, I need you to give me a tikkun, a rectification. I did something not knowingly and I desecrated Shabbat." The halakha in the Shulchan Aruch says like this and like that, but in the siddur, in the prayer book, it says it different and I desecrate and I need a tikkun. So, the brother who's pretending to be the Rebbe tells him, "No problem. Learn the laws of Shabbat, learn these this Gemara, learn this Mishnah, and you'll do a rectification to your sin." Okay. A few days pass. The mother, who was a very smart individual, comes to the young boy. He was about 9 years old. She tells him, "No, did you do the tikkun that your Rebbe told you to do?" He says, "No." He She says, "Why didn't you do it?" So, the brother the young brother says, "You know why? Because he's not a real Rebbe." So, the mother says, "Yeah, but the what he said is actually right." He says, "I can't accept from him. He's not a real Rebbe. If he would be a real Rebbe, he would sigh before giving me the rebuke." A real Rebbe would be like Okay. This is what you need to do. He came in with authority told me, "You have to do this." That's not I can't accept it. He's not a real Rebbe. Which of course years to come he became the Rebbe, the leader of the fourth Rebbe of the dynasty of Chabad. Now, this is a game of two kids. And he said something very powerful. The the rebuke, the the uh the criticism it has to be given from love and respect. It cannot be that I'm letting my anger out. Sometimes I come home, I'm upset, things didn't work well, I'm angry right now. Then I come and give my criticism. That's not how you give criticism. That's you letting out your anger. So he says the criticism, the rebuke, you have to give only from a place of honor and respect and it has to come from love. If you're coming here just to let your anger go, this is don't go do it somewhere else. Now you can ask yourself a big question. I'm coming to help you. Right? Why is it so hard? I'm just coming to help. I see a fault in you. I'm coming to help. Why Why does it have to be so hard? Now I ignore now the fact that the person has an ego and they don't want to listen. So the answer why it's so hard is divided into three ways. The first thing is when you criticize me, I will take it as a threat. That's the first thing. And why a threat? Because it means I'm not okay. You coming and telling me that I'm not okay. You coming to telling me that you better than me, that you are much greater than me. You're not doing it, I'm doing it. Now you know how person reacts when they're threatened? They threat back. You think I'm going to accept a threat and I'm just going to sit there? You're coming to threat me, I'll threat you back. So the first thing, the first reason is the criticism and the rebuke, it it's interpreted as a threat. Wait a minute, you're telling me I'm wrong. You're telling me I'm not doing something right. That's not good for my peace and quiet right now. Second thing is that when you criticize me or you rebuke me, it demands now a change. Now I have to change. Let's say I was over able to over over How do you say overpass, to ignore, to accept that I'm You're right, I'm wrong. Now I have to change. Now, that's a big thing. To accept that I'm wrong is one thing, but to change now? You know how many people I told them my personal story? And the reaction was, "I don't believe you. You're making it up. I don't think so." Why? Why would I lie to you? There was one honest person, doesn't matter who right now, one honest person in the last 20 years that when I told that person my personal story, the person told me, "You're crazy." And I was offended. I said, "You really think I'm crazy? You think I would bother? You think I would waste my time to tell you my personal story?" She And the person tells me, "You know what? You're not It's not that you're crazy, but the problem is that if you are right, I'm wrong. And if I'm wrong, it means I have to change. And I don't want to change. I'm very happy eating in any restaurant that I eat like. I'm very happy going wherever I want, whenever I want, without being restricted. And I'm very happy with my life. So, if I accept what you have to say, I'm saying in other words, you are right, I am wrong. And with that, means I have to change. And I don't want to change. So, number two, why we don't want to get accept the criticism, cuz it means I have to change. If not, then the person is not only right, he's more than right. I'm not I'm failing and not changing. And the third is that I know it's It's bit childish to say, but the third reason it's because it's not fair. You're changing the rules of the game. That's not fair. There were rules to the game. Now you're changing it. I have to change. Now where do you see that the most? You have a young couple, they get married, they love each other, they're in love. Two or three months into the marriage, fights, arguments, put it here, don't put it here, you did this, you did that. You change I I had rules to my life, now you're changing them. Don't do this, don't do that. Stop behaving like this, you have to behave like that. I have to change for you? So I'm telling it in a childish way, it's not fair, but yeah, you have to you're changing the rules. I used to put my things here, now you're telling me put the things here. Not so simple. Therefore, when I want to come and give rebuke or criticism, then it has to come with a lot of preparation. What is the definition of that preparation? It's one word, love. If I'm feeling that I need to tell you something, I can't just throw it out. That's why when our sages say it's not that you can't accept the rebuke, cuz you don't know how to give the rebuke. Ah, so you came to the conclusion that this person has to be rebuked, prepare it. It might take you a month. How? You build up. When the person came and told me not long ago, how do I fire my worker for 20 years? I told him, listen, you come and tell him, you know what? In the last 20 years, I never saw any worker so dedicated like you. You you you are you know, you you flatter him. You tell the person, anyone would want an employee like you. You build him up, and then you tell him, I'm sorry to tell you, the situation is very bad. I I have to. I I've no other option but to let you go. You can't even imagine what a loss it is for my business, for my You prepare. You don't just throw the bomb on the person. You know, in the in the Midrash on this parashah, Midrash Rabbah on the book of on the parashah of Devarim it says how come Moshe Rabbenu got the job to rebuke and Bilaam got the job to bless? Right? It should be the other way around. Moshe should come and bless the nation and Bilaam should come and rebuke them or curse them. We just read about Bilaam. He came and and blessed blessed the nation. Very good question. The answer is if Bilaam would come and rebuke them then you know what the nation would say? Ah, he hates us. Of course he says that. He doesn't even mean it. He hates us. So, it's coming from a place of hate. So, the rebuke had to come from a place of love. Moshe Rabbenu says, I love you. Therefore, I tell you where you're failing. People will only accept the criticism criticism and the rebuke from a person that really loves them. If it's a If the person is not really loved, they're not going to accept it. It's going to be interpreted as an attack. Now, where do you learn this tactic from? From the source. Look at the master of the universe. The God of all gods, when he came down to Mitzrayim, to Egypt, to take the nation of Israel out of Mitzrayim he first took them out of Egypt and if you are following the text in many different places Asher otzetanu me eretz Mitzrayim, you took us out of Mitzrayim why? To give us the Torah. Why did Hashem take us out of Mitzrayim? Only to give us the Torah. So, doesn't it make sense to first come and say, "Hey, listen. I have a Torah. If you will accept the Torah, I'll take you out of Mitzrayim. If you're not accepting the Torah, sorry to tell you, you stay." Right? That's what would make sense. Hashem does the complete opposite. First, he takes them out of Mitzrayim, shows them a year of miracles, plus all the journey to Har Sinai, then he gives them the Torah. You would think that first, he would put the condition if you get the Torah. But, Hashem says, "No, first I do the miracle, then I will come with my offer." He took the chance that they might say, "We don't want the Torah." It wasn't mandatory. It wasn't Pfizer. He says, "You You want the Torah? It's It's It's a zechut." Hashem took the chance that they might say, "Thank you so much for taking us out of Mitzrayim. We don't want the Torah." But, that's what we learn from Hashem. First, you show miracles. First, you show the love and the caring and the respect, then you come and say, "Oh, by the way, you know, on that note, we learned not too long ago about the concept of the red heifer." There's a big question if you follow and you pay attention that doesn't make sense. The red heifer is coming to purify the person who's impure from the impurity of death. But, the ones who are dealing with the heifer, the priests, they become impure. Someone's coming to do you a favor to make you pure and I become impure. What's What's the common sense here? Why would it be like that? Making a situation that the ones who are going out of their way to make you pure, they should not be affected. Only the answer is only to prove that if I want to make you pure, I have to go down to your level. And when I'm going down to your level, then I'm able to make you pure. That's in the respect to the red heifer. So, when I want to help you, I can't come like this. I have to go down to your level. Why are you behaving like that? What's your way of thinking? Maybe there's a an agenda. Maybe there's some type of What's going on? Try to relate with the person. If you don't relate to the person, how can you come and just say like this and like that? Yeah? And I told you that I told you that many times. I'll tell you again the same story. The son of the Baal Shem Tov Tanya once a person came to him to a a meeting. And within 3 seconds of the meeting, he threw him out of the room, locked the door, and for 3 days he was didn't come out of the room. Didn't eat, didn't participate in the the prayers. They didn't understand. What's What's this type of behavior? 3 days pass, he opens the door, tells his secretary bring the person back in. The person comes in, sits with him for about an hour. Person goes out. The students they come and say, "I mean, what was this all about? You person is coming for advice, and you throw him out of the room?" He says, "Yeah, the person came and told me confessed about a horrible sin, and he wanted me to give him rectification at the what to do. So, I had to let him go out of the room. I had to fast 3 days and to meditate in such a way to go down to the level to understand how can a person do such a sin? And only when I can relate with the sin and understand why a person would do such a sin, how, what would be the motive, what would be the pleasure, then I can tell him how to correct it. Other than that, I can't relate with the sin. How can I tell him what to do? And I told you that in the respect that Moshe Rabbeinu had to relate with everything. When Moshe Rabbeinu wrote the Torah, when God told him, "You should not kill." Moshe Rabbeinu had to imagine in his mind all the types of murders. Murdering with an axe, murdering with stabbing, murdering with drowning a person, murdering with throwing somebody out of the window. Why? So he can come and say, "Oh, I understand what it means not to kill, and I can also tell you how to repent and fix it after you did it." But if I don't relate with the sin, then how would I be able to help you? Same thing here. If I want to make you a better individual, if I'm coming to rebuke, if I'm coming to criticize, then I have to create this closeness between me and the person and come with honor, respect, and love, then I'm able to affect a person that the person will come and say, "Huh, you know, okay." That's why the time is that you has to be the right time. And when it just comes out, it's not going to work. It's not going to be the right way. Now, Rashi says when we were asking, "Why did Hashem make all these invited Moshe Rabbeinu had all these hints?" is because First of all, there's a question, "Why would he hint on all these places? Just say it Say it clear. Just say you sinned here, you sinned there. So, the explanation why Moshe Rabbeinu was saying everything with hints is that the rebuke has to start with a good word. You can't come right away and attack. Like I told you with that employee that I with the person, don't come and tell him, "You're fired." After 20 years, you come and say, "You know what? You are the best employee I ever had. You are so dedicated. You are so honest. You are so this. You are so that." And after you start with a good word, then you come with the bad news. That's why Moshe Rabbeinu started with hints, not to come right away so so strong. Now, I'll give you an example. Not too long ago, literally literally a few weeks ago, somebody came and told me something coming as a rebuke. I walk in the street, I go out of my house, the person stops in front of me, and he lets it all out. Now, I have no problems with rebuke or criticism. If somebody comes, I listen. And I'll make a very quick analysis if the person is right, I will accept and change, or if the person is some attacking or going on some rampage or whatever. And I told you a different story many many times about this certain individual who was a worker, who was an employee, he was a volunteer who helped, and and the person came and told me something that was very irritating to me. I think I told you that story maybe a thousand times. Well, I'm exaggerating. 990. This individual was close to our family, worked for us, volunteered with our organization in many different things. And one time that person came and told me something that hit a home run. Now, in a negative way. Now, I didn't react. I didn't say anything. I just nodded and said, "Thank you so much for letting me know." And then I went home. And for the whole day I was upset. I I upset. I was like a volcano inside of me. How dare that person tell me that I'm doing and and after not eating for a few hours, and not being a settled, focused or doing anything, I asked myself a simple question. Why are you so upset? And you know what the answer was? Because she's right. The person was right. So, needless to say, I accepted it. I said, you know, she's 100% right. Now I have to work on myself, change, and then it was very easy to thank the individual. So, I I know I'm turning the on myself right now. I know how to accept the criticism because I put a uh uh partition. Don't let my ego get upset. I listen, and very quickly make the analogy if the person is done attacking me, or there's something there. And I was able to bring myself to a place after 20 years of hard work to be a little bit humble, to accept that I'm not perfect. So, this person comes and stops me on the street, and lets it all go, but in a real rude and not nice way, about something. And then he looks at me after letting it all out. He probably had a bad day. And he looks at me and he's like, "You're not going to comment?" And I said, "No." He said, "You're not going to react?" I said, "No." So, he got upset. Why? I said, "Because you don't want to hear what I have to say." So, he got even more upset. "I want you to comment." I said, "I'm not going to comment to you. You're not going to like what I have to tell you. You said what you have to say. Okay. Now, you can leave." I'm not going to You're not going to drag me into an argument. You're not going to drag me to come and say some react some comment or some reaction. What do you want me Do you want me to lose my temper? You want to see if I'm going to use foul language or has vision on do something that is not appropriate. I heard what you have to say. Move on. Happens to be that it was next to my wife my house and my wife overheard it. What happened? What was it? Right? I said listen, he said what he had to say. I I heard. I made already the calculations. He's right, he's not right. He's wrong. I heard what he had to say. That's it. I need now to be offended because I don't need to be upset. Need to now call him out names. I need to answer. He wanted me to answer him. I don't know what to answer you. I don't want to answer you. You said what you had to say. And I said I did plus one plus one. What you said is irrelevant. Move on. So the thing is that if he would come and tell me in a completely different way. Doesn't matter the what the claim that he said was But I was saying to myself this is a perfect example. Stop like a mensch. Like a you know, with a little bit of I'm not we I'm not expecting respect. Well, come with a little bit of respect. A little bit with some Derek Erretz and tell me, you know, this and this happened and happened. Then I would probably be much much nicer to you and maybe you would actually would get a a comment from me. You came and you right away attacked. Right away. Spoken in a not appropriate way. Well, why would even deal with you? Why would I want to deal with you? I said thank you. Leave. Now happens to be that what he said was didn't had any any vow. It wasn't valid. But this is a perfect example. You want to get my attention. You want to get my response a nice respond. Then I'm coming to attack me right away on the street. Come and say, "Listen, I need to talk to you about a certain matter that bothers me. I think it would be of your interest to hear what I have to say. Maybe I'm wrong. Maybe I'm right." Okay, come to me like I'm not going to do anything wrong to you. I didn't murder your kids. Come and approach me in a nice way. So, with that we can understand that when I want to come and rebuke or criticize my wife, my child, my employer, my employee, my neighbor, doesn't matter. And it doesn't matter right now in what aspect it's coming from. I want to come and tell you something that I think is the right thing to do. Then it has to come with the right preparation. It has to come with two things. First, that I have to create this connection and this closeness that you are not feeling intimidated and you feel that I'm coming from a place of care. Not coming to put you down. Not coming to show off I'm better than you. I'm not coming to now insult you or attack you. I'm coming to make you better. So, I have to create the situation of this closeness. And the second thing is that I have to come with the approach that you are important to me. How you behave is important to me. You are dear to me. And I actually care when you are successful or not. If I don't come with that approach, 99.9% the person will be like, "I'm not accepting nothing from you." Cuz you're just coming to attack me. You had a bad day. You trying to prove that you're better, smarter, stronger, whatever it is. So, the Torah comes and gives me a very valued very important lesson that I constantly come to the situation that I need to approach another person, then I have to use the approach of Moshe Rabbenu. I can't come and attack another person because it's not convenient to me. I don't like it. If I'm coming from that place, then I'm not coming to criticize or rebuke. I'm coming to let out let steam out. Then don't say it and keep it to yourself. Better not to say nothing. How many times is a situation and the answer that you get, what should I say? Better not to say nothing. Why? Don't say anything. I think I said that advice maybe a few thousand times. Better not to say nothing. Why? Because you're not coming in the right approach. You're coming to complain. You're coming to show you with a comeback. It's It's You don't really care for that person to become a better person. You don't really care for that person to refine themselves. So you have to think in your mind when you are coming to share your thoughts, your opinion, thinking or hoping that it will affect the person in a positive way, rebuking, criticizing, helping, suggesting, then wait like Moshe Rabbeinu. I'm not telling you to wait 40 years. But wait to the right time when you feel that it's that you are ready to come and give it over. And when you're ready to give over your musar, your ethics, and it's done in the right way, it will be accepted by the recipient. If you're not coming in the right time, it not only that it wouldn't be accepted, you would create you would create greater damage. As they say, think twice before you talk. Think before you act. Prepare your your case and come in the right approach. And the the the really the major question you need to ask yourself is do I really care about your well-being or I'm coming to say that because I want to gain the extra point to be above you? More right, more s- stronger, more correct. And if you that's your ego already. You have to come from a place of caring, loving, and that you really want that person to better their life. And therefore, you have to prepare yourself the right way, come in the right time, come with the right approach, and then when it comes from a place of love and caring, then you actually able to affect another person and change another person's life and make that person's life a much, much, much better life.