Rabbi Akiva : was Rabbi Akiva? Based on a series of Maamarei Chazal - Rabbi yossi Paltiel , 5767

What I'm figuring to do is this Sunday is and uh we celebrate two personalities one more than another but we do celebrate two personalities. We celebrate um naturally it's his stalkus is it yard site and everybody knows the big zo and so forth that tells about how he passed away and he told us and so forth but it's also a day that's connected to a for a variety of reasons not the least of which that was one of right it says that had 24,000 who died in a very short period of time because there was a deficiency inv that's the and he collected five and he was reestablished and these were the of and one of them was um so for these reasons has a connection with so what I did was I copied from a safe there's a book that I have it's like an encyclopedia of the biographies of the people who prepared the encyclopedias I don't know exactly how holy they were insulted Um so I again the people who prepared these these have problems with their in the but all we're going to do are pis we're going to we're going to read which is to discuss life and the various facets of life. I don't think that you're about to hear something you haven't heard before but I think this is a wonderful way in preparation for to journey through the life of using a handful of my statements and episodes of the and therashim about you'll notice that I numbered them if through and then there's which either will or will not get to so on the bottom of the first page the very very bottom you have alf right and of course the famous story as you know is would live for 120 was a shepherd by who lived in Kabu was a a god a very very rich man very very well respected man by the by the Romans and he had a daughter and Rahul was the daughter of this very very wealthy person but she had this very very special and deep um appreciation patient for and she noticed that although he was a shepherd and a poor person and unlearned even she noticed that that Rabika is unusual in his adite and his finest of character and so forth. So she proposed to Abiaka that he should go learn. And she said to Abaka, "If if you will go learn, I'll marry you." Which was so brazen. It was so amazingly disconnected. Here was a girl who was a daughter of the richest person in all, one of the richest people. And here was a shepherd who was old. He was 40 years old. And she proposed to him that she would marry him if if he would go learn ta. And did it he was and he went to learn tada. She's a very unusual woman. I mean is not the word and of course sorry of course they had children was their son was bald something called the son of the bald one that's you don't want to call him because somebody else already has that name so they added yeah had children sure and it says that he had a daughter who had the same character of his but was not so quick to go learn when made proposition to him because he felt like it was a lost cause. I mean, how can he ever succeed until the following episode occurred? This is a medish at the very very bottom of the first page, three lines from the bottom where I made my olive p. It happened once. He was standing next to the mouth of a fountain of a well. He saw a stone that was bored. A hole was bored in the stone from the drip. Right? There was water apparently dripping from a higher source to a lower source. And there had been a stone that was there naturally. It may have been there for hundreds and hundreds of years, perhaps thousands of years. And the drip had created in the stone an a hole, an inverse, you know, an indentation. So made for himself though he was 40 years old. He says im water so soft we're able to carve like the word soul a hard stone words of hard and tough as iron and steel much more so that they can carve my heart which is of the flesh. So the say him and his son went they sat in a taught he held one side of the chart and he held the other side of the chart. So the Muhammad wrote for them the whole alphabet went home and he rehearsed it until he memorized the base and then he went to another to teach him something else all on his own. He was continuing to learn and to go learn to now you know and I know did not have an ordinary was a very very special naturally obviously you don't become I mean if you made a list of the five mo most important Jews in Jewish history starting with five most important Jews in the history of the Jewish world yeah would be on that list that's How exclusive that's how great was it wasn't just his personal greatness his contribution to the is historic historic the whole of is all about one man until 40 years old he didn't know he was an amazing amazing personality but what is so remarkable about his life and the ever used to tell the children this was how he was so persevering he was so determined he was never ashamed and he never gave up and he kept on working and he worked and he worked and his desire to have the em was so infinite was with this that he reached in this is the story of said I may be old and I may be dumb but if if a stone can be bored by water I can can penetrate my mind and now of course we have to go back to the story of his wife if his go back to the first page please and we're going to several of the that surround his wife. The story of course was that when her father heard that she had allowed herself to become betrothed, he made a that he wouldn't give her a pen. He threw her out of the house. So the say that it was winter time. Okay. You see when I made my B and then I made a one next to it, three lines above. It was winter time for they couldn't find a place to live except a mat means a silo, a place where you store wheat and grain. So there's hail around. He was picking the hair the straw out of her hair. He says to his wife, "If I had the power, I would make for you was a crown of gold that had what we would call today the um the skyline of like you have the skyline of of Manhattan and the Mishna talks about after the base in English was destroyed, people stopped using when went to her she wore this crown. You see by the by the still have this custom but it says in the that we don't do it anymore to remember the but this is before says to will make for you if I had the money I would make for you and all she had was anyway the end of the story is that his wife had encouraged him but she went to learn for 12 years and abhua of course the two great teachers of where Horinus and each one of them was a story unto himself. Hanus was like he ran away from home right was before he was even born his mother was planning that he's going to be and as an infant she would bring his cradle into the base that he should be in environment of they would of you have a sense was of one of the of Yeshua In any case, he she had permission. He gave she gave him permission to leave home 12 years. Can you imagine a wife who's living in a barn with a little baby just her husband go for 12 years and come back? What happened? At the end of the 12 years, he comes home. He sees an old man saying to his wife, "How long are you going to be like a widow in the life of your husband?" Right? is called an almon. They call it a living widow. Your husband is alive and you're a widow. 12 years haven't seen her husband says she says to him listen to me had he listened to me. He would sit for 12 years. Think about this girls what it means to love. Here's a Jewish woman. She's not going to learn. She's not becoming the scholar. She loves so much. She's sacrificing her life and the life of her children that her husband should learn. What does say to himself? Since I was granted permission, I'm going to go back. He doesn't even go in to say hello. He hasn't seen his wife in 12 years. He hears through the window how she says to a neighbor that if he would listen to me, he would study for 12 more years. So he takes this as an indication that this is the right thing to do. He goes back and learns for 12 more years and she waits for him for 12 more years. So he went again she sat 12 years in after 24 years not seeing his wife all this time she was so impoverished said that she used to collect the undigested food from the waste of animals. That's how poor she was. He came back with an army 24,000. His wife heard that is coming. Her husband now became the rash and so forth. Her neighbor said to her she was wearing rags. But now by now after at first people thought that she was crazy to stay married to this man. But now's fame had reached such great levels. So her neighbors say, "You know, your husband is the greatest of the generation. Maybe you should look like go get some clothes, look like a mench." And she says, "No, no, I'm fine. Just the way I am." She says to them, "The sadic knows the soul of his." In other words, we're we're we're together and his and my dress match. And that's how it has to be. When she reached him, she felt she bowed down to him. So they pushed her away. This this this bag lady, this homeless woman is coming to leave her. What's ours and what's yours is hers. All of our issues. Now if you'll turn the page the bottom of the first column it says what happened what happened that became the and his now regretted having disowned him okay so if you look at the bottom of the first column let's say about if you made the five and the B and the dash five right so a few lines before that it says became famous for his regretted, he questioned, he doubted the legitimacy, the credibility, the justice of disowning his daughter. So he went to gave half his wealth and in one day his became multi multi multi-millionaires became wealthy. He remembered the promise he had made to her a quarter of a century before. He made her made a crown of gold with the um skyline of his student said, "How pretentious, how extravagant's wife need a gold crown like this?" He said, "You're embarrassing all of us. We can't buy our wife's jewelry at all, let alone something." So, extravagant. So he said to them that she suffered for my and she deserves this. She has this coming. This is the beginning of AKA's life. How she pushed him and he went to learn based on this from the sighting of the stone and so forth. This is the beginning of life. Now we talk about itself. Now girls, you have to remember the times of shas things were not written down. Everything was oral. So there was a very very different emphasis and priority in how people learned. First of all, you had to remember everything. So all the that you learned you would repeat and repeat and repeat. There was an an enormous amount of memorization. People say the says you learn this in people normally repeated things a hundred times over and over and over again. But there was another thing that was very very different about their learning than our learning and that is an unbelievable amount of attention was paid to the you go into many yeshivas today boys learn and they never open a because it's not important you're learning you're learning you're learning but then the whole was the analysis of the words of the and the their whole issue was they started the Tanakh. I mean to say they knew the Tanakh by heart is an insult. They broke it apart. They cut it up into tiny pieces and put it back together and seived it and seived it and seived it to get out the that's written into Hashem's book. gave us a it's a very small but in the nobody worked as hard as in analyzing the individual words and letters of the in other words the whole mission is based on the we studied the analyzed the nobody was so devoted to the analysis of the individual words and letters of like and that's why his understanding of exceeded all the his was deeper and higher because he was so careful so committed there was no such thing as I understand enough's world he was obsessed with finding more and more secrets in the so let's read a few to this effect that described now that we described how became let's now discuss how learned So we're doing gible. It's the second column page 728. It says like this the tell us that he would listen to his teachers and you'll soon see soon see a few characteristics of a style of learning which are truly unique. I mean the talks about different ways that people learned and was very unique for various reasons. He would go and sit by his rabbis and study and listen to them. Okay. And then second line from the and he would go home and he would study it. And he wouldn't just study what his teachers taught him, but he would take what his teachers taught him to the next level, the next level to that. Why is this alf written in the why is this letter B written in the why is this word written in the go back and he asked his teachers and he gave his teachers new depth new clarity new insight into how analyzes I don't have time to give you a long version of this but today in yeshivas sit and analyze How come the Mishna has an extra word? How come has an extra word? But the Mishna is a few steps away from the was closer to analyzed word for word and letter for letter and he showed his you're not going deep enough. You're not breaking apart in enough detail to squeeze out all the that's hidden in there and to find more and deeper and higher and so forth. was the master of the analysis of okay and on the next page we read okay you see how I number them on page 729 we're going to read another thing about which is very interesting there's a that describes the different ways that the learned okay and I'm going to explain it to you in very simple words you guys go to school and your teachers teach you things now there's a difference between how we learn how they learned primarily Because the style of learn that existed back then was predominantly teach them basically what we would call small little passages of statements of ideas. There's also the the uh the Talmud the how those were reached by analyzing but they were taught and there were different styles of there wereim who didn't know that much but what they knew they knew clearly say that Mishn was mean to say he didn't he didn't teach us a lot of what he taught us was pure and each had his strength some only pursued one part Yeud's that great one only learned is business law you know without and sometimes I met different styles different approaches um the reason people different approaches because your mental capacity if you go to school and your teachers give you too much information your brain short circuits you shut down you get nervous you get apprehensive you can't think you'd rather hear fewer pieces of information and get them straight or if he teaches us a lot of things you'll pay attention to the parts that interest you and just neglect the rest. Had an unbelievable unusual characteristic. He had an ability to take everything as said, but he wasn't the only one who had that characteristic. There were other calls him had this ability to hear everything the teacher said, but had another ability and that was when this teacher spoke, he shut up and he listened. He just took it all in and then he went home and sorted it all out. In other words, some people who listen to teachers, the organized types, they can't hear too much. The people with the great memorize can collect all the facts, but they leave the facts just the teachers gave them. Combine both of these strength. Let's read what the say about you see the compiler of the Mishna who was a spiritual grandson of was amongst so he used to call a treasury that's bum that's closed and sealed and I I I should look up the gim but the The way I understand it is sometimes people are a treasury of stuff. People have a lot of information and they themselves don't know what they have. The aka on the one hand was a treasury full of information. But at the same time his comprehension of of the enormous volume of knowledge in all areas of tenn that he collected in him was so organized and so systemized and so deep. He had it all figured out and put into what's called in English departmentalization. He put everything in respective places. So the continue what they say, what would you compare to? A worker goes out into the field with a basket. You find wheat, you put it in the basket. You find B, you put it in the basket. You find is spelt, you put it in the basket. Pull. Pull is type of beans. You put it in. Means lentils. You put it in. You come back home. You separate. The wheat goes in one place. The goes in another place. This is what did when he listened to his teachers. He had the uncanny ability to listen to whatever his teacher said. His teachers talked about any part of they never said, "I'm not familiar with this. I don't know it. I'm not comfortable with it. You're making me nervous. I'm bored by it. I'm overwhelmed by it. When his teachers taught just kept quiet and he absorbed he took it all in and then he went home and he sorted it all out. Then he made he organized into rings into small little subsections. This is greatness would then impart this greatness to his and different took different areas of god luca but aka compiled it all. He got it all together. First he collected information and then he systemized information. combined a great memory, a great capacity for lots of knowledge and deep analytical power. That's that's really very unusual. And one of Akiva's great gifts was his analysis of words and letters. Nobody was as picky, was as precise in analyzing individual words and letters like was. And look at number Hey. Okay. Look at number eight. This this is not not that important. A person separates separating from the living because was a fountain in a source. I wanted to show you a different pistol. Okay? And that is on page 732 by the Yalef. I I'm not going to read the whole passage. I just want to read you a few words, okay? that the tell us that when he was ine showed him the future and amongst the people the future was I'm reading now you see where I made my about four lines down after thee says there is one individual who's going to exist in many generations 7:32 7:32 five lines past the his name is going to be and as I'm sure you girls know was a grandson of gay Y's father by this will in the future analyze on each crown of the letters of a tin mountains and mountains piles and piles girls again long versions I don't have sufficient time but I I try to give this to you very very briefly is Hashem's infinite wisdom when you say that the potato which is only 305,000 and change letters Hashem's infinite wisdom obviously Hashem is packing a lot of information into these words and letters is a small book if you buy a without any it's a tiny little book you can fit it in your small pocket is not very large. The infinity of the is the keep analyzing it. Keep the more you examine the words and the letters. The deeper you go into splitting the hairs of the TA, the more you see the wisdom of the TA is like splitting an atom. You separate two letters and you have energy. But TA has different levels. The lowest level of the TA are the the letters. The TA. The second level of TA above it is called the T the crowns of the TA. The crowns of the TA are not actually written out. They're just symbolized in the third level of TA is called the vowels. In a there's no vowels, right? When you look at the word Omar and say, you can read it in 100 different ways because there's no we know it's Omar, but it can be read Amad and Omar and A and A and so forth. And part of the infinity of TA is this ability to read the TA with all different and the highest level is called technically means the the music but means the expertise extended not just to but to the to the here says would sit and analyze the crowns. The crowns of are much smaller than the letters. But for reasons that that have to do with and the less gashmic a part of is the more light and wisdom there is in it. Rabaka saw more in the crowns of the TA than in the words and he saw even more in the vowels of the TA than in the crowns and he saw the most in the other words reached the of we cannot begin to understand how much of a understood and the beginning of it was asking questions wasn't lazy he analyzed and analyzed and analyzed and analyzed the tells a story there was a tan who undertook a project to explain every word s in the How many times they say the word S in the taking away my lesson okay I'm sorry okay I won't do it no um it says ask a dumb question bother the S is extra S you maybe have hundreds of S's in the this fellow named Shimha under to analyze every S every single S right um what's the it's coming to include you have to know what the S means each S has to be so there was a fellow who was Dish and he got into trouble came he backed off came along and finished the job he wasn't afraid this type of analysis we we learned We learned that and if we really are interested we could find these S's and these hundreds of S's in the but this was the kind of thing was obsessed with words letters crowns the everything he studied it starts with the question it starts with not knowing and wanting to know and then he was he created and also think about it Let's continue now. There's no question. It says that in the time of the was and anybody could have become great the world was an world. So in other words everybody had you wasted it. It was wasted. If you exploited it, you become in other words is that anybody could have become dead. But it was but 40 years old together with his son. It's dove now. So girls, we just explored two areas of Aka's life. Number one, his pursuits of TA and number two his analysis of and of course number three is his delving into the secrets of the everybody knows about the famous top of page 729 number he's the one he's the only one of the four when the secret came out in peace again this aim which is discussed at great length and so forth. The Gimar says that there is called something called cotton and there's a small and a large what's considered the small the deep intellectual labors of analyzing that's called small things and what's considered great and the secrets of how hem created the world and in a higher level still the secrets of the abisher's throne and the says He didn't overlook and explor but you have to understand if you're going to start exploring and you have a holy sense of you have to be careful. So the gum says that there were that you know about four who entered into the gardens of the secrets of Ben and Alisha and there was only one difference between and the other three you guys are teenagers in America you're very very politically astute right old people forgot about politics but you guys know everything that's happening in the neighbors. So one of the most familiar terms in politics today is called exit strategy had an exit strategy. When went into the when he started to study secrets of says translates knew before he went in he made for himself a plan that he shouldn't forget that wanted to live in this world not to run away from this world and end up in. So though he was dabbling he was exploring he was delving into he did it in a protected way that he should come back to doing mitzvah the other three you mentioned it one of the girls mentioned that Benazi hits his um he passed away and Shim Benaz by the way was son-in-law you know that right Benazi married aba's daughter and it's very interesting that uh she was supposed to die the day of their wedding Right. The famous story with the serpent. Huh? With the needle, with the pin because she did stuck it. The bottom line is they were never married really. Right after the wedding, Benaz says, "I changed my mind. I don't want to be married. I want to sit on all the time." Even though it's a say to have children. So somebody said to wants a world. So he says the world can be the mish were never married. They had a kadush and he immediately gave her a get. And the interesting thing is that if not for the fact that she had given daka, he wouldn't have had to give her a get. In other words, the aish's plan was that Benazi should be the daughter and they should never live together as man and wife. But the original plan was that she would die the day of their wedding and Benaz would be in the end because of her baz had to exercise and to say and the is that if you're like Benaz that you don't have to get married but only if you're like Benaz otherwise you have to get married and be married even an old person is not supposed to live without supposed to be married was a very unusual man but he passed away young and then Ben was says he lost his mind and Alicia And it became an and this was what was unique about discipline also loved he loved he loved the light of the but the discipline was love the do what hashem wants not what feels good not even what feels good in yiddish made the great man that he was this is about dabbling in the which is another whole dimension of which we know very little out the only thing we know about has quotes statements of was his you don't need more than that the father of the creator of the z and so forth was the and the says used to say be happy that I and said be happy that I and the know how great you are. In other words, nobody else could understand the greatness of but says but I do. And then there's another said learn my says that this means learn my way of learning because my is the best of the best of the in addition to his and his depth in was also deeply involved in which a very strong connection to Msiah which leads us to the fourth point presided over in a very difficult time you know one of the that's missing in this pamphlet is the famous rights were the facts that he was walking with his two friends and they they saw they saw the great city of Rome And then they came to the place of the Bik and they saw a fox running through what used to be the Now you have to understand was in the BT was he was alive when the BT stood and he watched it burn if not literally then figuratively he when the mish was destroyed the leader of was his who was but nevertheless lived 120 years he was killed approximately 7 years after the soak was a 50-y old man. He was no boy and he witnessed the so for him it was a real thing and by the holocaust the once told the survivor a survivor once told the there was never such a genocide of Jews like the holocaust and the said the destruction of was worse than the holocaust. If you learn the mentioned billions of Jews were killed but the said more Jews were killed was destroyed than in then in the Holocaust. It's a lot of Jews and witnessed this and his friends are crying and laughed. What are you laughing about? There's something funny about it. So he said just like these prophecies that were fulfilled for sure the good prophecies O you know will sit and so forth will bring he looked at the sard and he anticipated the coming of this and finally he had the m the yen the was destroyed and the yed remained in many of them did and there was of course the yeshiv yav which the Babylonian with the Romans was left alone as the says and the king who ruled during that period about seven years after the was was extremely extremely cruel to the Jews I think it's Nid but I could be wrong I forgot what name of the case it was maybe Adonis case he was anx and he was so cruel to the Jews he made they couldn't learn t they couldn't do anything his gaz was so terrible that he forced forced the Jews to rebel. They had no choice. They plots, you know, if you're a dictator, you squeeze people, but you don't want to squeeze too tight because you want the people to to accept your your brutality. If you become overly brutal, you have nothing to lose. And rebelled and you could decry. He was so evil. It was impossible. And was the god lad during that period. And of course, there were two parts to Aka's contribution to the history as it unfolded. I want your girls to understand something. This happened around 70 years after the and remember the second Bish was built 70 years after the first B mikdish was destroyed based on based on there were many Jews who believed that 70 years after the Mashia come rebuilt. So there are two pieces of contribution to hatred's and um and what happened to the first is his support of Abaka um decided that it's time for Mashia to come and he supported's rebellion right it's inab Yes, but it's also in the so we're going to do now Z which is on page 730. Okay. Soaka said name they called him but right means star that it says in see I made my little aster little bit below the look this goes and the said that he was he carried he became he supported rebellion about was a tough guy. It's a powerful leader. And you should know he he he beat the Jews into shape. He was a tough warrior. He created a very powerful. If you know the history, the Jews were great warriors. The Jews including time of Kanek. They weren't nebs. They were tough tough warriors. The unusual characteristic of Kaneka was that it was the Kay who were fighting wars. But they were very very tough fighters, very very loyal. They fought like lions. Baka whipped them into shape and he made them all behave and people got out of line. Mh was a very tough ruler. I have a relative who happens to be historian. They have documents wrote where he's telling his generals that they don't listen to him. He's going to chop their fingers off. He's a tough leader and he led the Jews in rebellion against Andreon. But there's one thing you shouldn't forget about. very important detail was a shabas and he was aid he kept and although the kazal the were to him he was the king and they were just the rabbis he was okay but he was aid who fought and respected and honored and lived for this is why that holds that wasn't wrong the whole is is did make a mistake in saying that was a mashiah or not? So was wrong. He miscalculated. Posing wrong says no had qualifications because according to the to be mashia you don't have to perform miracles to be mashia have to be a big to mashia you have to be aid who fights for yishkite that's it was aid who fought for yiddish because the the msiah this is something that the girls have to learn in the is revolves around all about the Oh, Mashiach is Yiddish. It's not about meeting your bubby and your bubby and having your favorite candy and not gaining weight. Mashiach is about to and who was not at he was a general and he listened to the and he was loyal to the doesn't say he was a bad man says he died because of his sins. So we know that he was he was a good Jewish king but Mashia he isn't. But the Raam holds that the Maka was correct in assessing with Mashiach because the model of Mashiach of Raaka which is the model of Mashiach of that Messiah's to fight for Jews and Judaism. When they started the Jewish state, people were screaming that this is and the said how could it be? Mashiach the you have Jews who don't believe in whose whole role is to destroy and that you're calling the beginning of not because he was a not because he had not because he could fly because he was aid who fought for and he had a chance to succeed and that's what held he was mashia and of course the rest of the story girls is of course the famous story is giving his life for the end was a Sorry. Yeah. He was one of If you can go to the bottom of page 7:30, we're doing now. Okay. Right. Well, he's he had a little help with the over there. The was a little bit he used opportunity instead of being murdered. He died. It sounds so easy when you say it. When I say it, it doesn't sound so easy. I don't know why. Okay. Says not afraid of the government. This is a famous himsh. What does this compare to a fox is walking on the bank of a river. He sees fish that are collecting, hurting, right? They're schooling. They're shulling. And they're dashing around. Have you ever seen a fish that's not nervous? Every fish is nervous because all the fish is nerves. Fishes are not very sophisticated animals. Says the facts of the fish, what are you dashing around for? It's because of the nets and the other people are bringing upon us to capture us. Says the fox to the fish. Oh, you're afraid of the nets. No problem. If you so desire the dry land together like foxes live in what's called layers, underground holes and maybe the dark and moist be very comfortable for the fish like my parents live with your parents. I don't know what that means. So the fish said to the fox, "Are you that one? that you're the wisest of all the animals. You're no wise man. You're a fool. This is the place where we can live. We're afraid in a place of certain death. You want to give us safety and security. Allah has come over us also at this moment. We sit and learn gives us life and long days. We're risking our lives to study. If we don't learn, we're going to die for sure. Says, "A short time pass. was captured and they put him into jail and they charged they tried him as a criminal estate for doing what for learning and the say that used to come and learn with him and they had great they saw that they followed too and then the tells a tragic story this is a story that happened in the holocaust a thousand times happened was in jail. Yeshua was his servant. Every day they brought him a certain amount of water and part of the water he used to wash his hands and part of the water he used to drink. One day the guard finds him bringing in this normal ration of water. There's too much water in that barrel. Maybe you're using the water to moisten the earth so you can excavate your way out of jail. He spilled out half the water but he gave half a ration. So then he brings the remaining water. He tells what this what this Hitler did say give me the water so I can wash. This is what happened with the Eb's father. You should know he had a cup of water used it for negas and didn't drink it. did the same thing. There's not enough water for you to drink and keep your body and soul together. You're going to wash your hands. What am I to do? You don't wash. I'd rather die in my own hands not to violate the instructions of that you cannot touch. She can't do anything without says he didn't eat anything. They brought him the water to wash his hands. And finally says what you mentioned to me before they carried him out to murder him and they killed him. They killed him. They skinned him. It was time of his skinning him. They were peeling the skin off his body and there was no anesthesia and he was accepting upon himself the yoke of the kingdom of heaven says and it says dying because he wanted to die. This is the extent of your suffering. who was the greatest of all the whole that we have today is called he was murdering him and he's saying he to them all my life I was wondering pain it's one of the supposed to love with your whole your whole soul what does mean even if he's going to take your life a matter says I used to say one is this opportunity of says I was waiting my whole life no one's allowed to be a martyr you can't make yourself I was wishing and praying and hoping that would give me this to be now I have it I'm not going to do it he was he was elaborate I think about maybe I'm misquing but when he died anyway. Okay, good night and a happy luck