The last golus!!! Emotional Golus!! Struggling Teens.. Chizuk for Parents in Modiin illit Israel

good evening and welcome everyone it's a great honor to welcome you to the special event a night of inspiration enrichment and empowerment we're privileged to have with us the world-renowned expert from Mony New York who will address us in a few moments first and foremost a heartfelt thank you to Rabbi and Mrs cats for graciously hosting this event making this dream into a reality and uring every detail is taken care of to make this evening a true success mayem bench them with abundance of from all their children G to hate a special thank you to Dari of Amica nla for sponsoring this Hall and we're very grateful to him this week's begins with the words Rashi asks what did he hear that made him come and he answers he heard but there's a difficulty here the already says that he heard about meaning that he already heard everything about including what's Rashi adding what did he hear and the answer is that Rashi is asking a deeper question the whole world he the whole world heard about this Miracles as it says but heard something different something more there's a difference between hearing and internalizing the world heard but yro understood the world was amazed for a moment and moved on but yro leted it transform him he changed his entire life he was missa and he joined the Jewish people we know the final words in we read last week after of's battle is still with us today and will continue until Mia's day am is the gatri doubt when we have a doubt is there is in control a plants confusion uncertainty instability disrupting our peace at a home and our decision making and our ability to move forward with Clarity tonight we have gathered here to be like yro to listen and understand to gain Clarity and practical guidance to learn how to combat doubt and confusion tonight we have gathered here for an evening of learning and growth to internalize what we hear to make it real and to create change if we do our part Hashem will do his part and very soon to see the Fulfillment of the promise which is the last of our that we received before going out to this G close to 2,000 years [Music] ago without further Ado it's my honor and privilege to introduce okay good evening everybody uh first of all I'd like to thank to Any Time recording us any time is you know we're the M spreading the word what's your slogan it's God's reason for the internet like okay lar mess in the world okay so let let's let's dive into the thing we only have an hour to speak and then and then we'll get into questions and answers um I think we're going to speak very General on the concept on how we should view our kids that are keeping us young you know people say my child is you know they're making me old it's the opposite people that have like a life their life is blah they get old right they keep us young they want to they want to make sure we're growing we're moving on in life on my way in someone approached me and he said that he learned in da Yi a few days ago the says that if someone has a child AR a Russ AR then is he's called Russia Ben Russia so before we start the the conversation tonight we got to deal with this kazal because it could be very uh a lot of people the husbands learn the you know we all learn many of us learn and it could seem like what's going on what did I do wrong if I have a child that's that's so first of all to make something very very very clear that none of our children are not even close what does mean means someone that does something D planned to do against all the time aad could do a at that moment you can see this person did you stole money from someone you embarrass someone a person to be called AA and let's go back to Kaz so let's say we did find someone that is AA why is the father calleda and I was thinking as this person was asking me this question saying what what he learned a few days ago is that something very interesting question the T tells us we're not going to talk to it the whole time don't worry I just want to be mtic this should it should make sense says parents will never be died or punished because of the sins of their children and children would never be punished or killed because of the sins of it just doesn't work that way but then we D and we say sometimes by say that yeah that we have the like we see the they the says clearly that they were lied because they were killed because of of uh of of the between the so they are dying because of the sins of someone else or they're not how does it work but really doesn't mean that it means to say if the child still has the same trait the same mid from the parents it's not the child is actually transgressing that a now so it's called You're Dying of the sin of so the was because of so we still called on the name because of the the they that had and you still doing it in other words it wasn't eradicated from E jeans it wasn't eradicated in your going over from parents of child it's called on their name but if they would not have S the time of they would have never been died killed just because of that it was called in the name and the same thing with if someone does a real is what does it called you're doing was the first one that did such big extra extraordinary so the children whatever we do you're doing you're doing the name got got got bind together with the name of got by the name so we say his doesn't mean if he doesn't have that mid not that so it's in so means to say probably that if someone the real if I Haven met one I I'm only 47 years old and I only met thousands of people in my life I never met a real I never met I'm trying to I don't know I just never saw one to fit all the criterias according to who's consider but if let's say we do find such a person why do we say like his F like the father of the parents because probably not to say that the father must be AA specific trait that he shares that's all it means so we got that off our chest done okay now let's dive thing Hashem gave me this to work with teenagers teenage boys for many many many years we'll talk about probably 18 19 years by now stopped counting close to two decades oneon-one with the boys I was involved in different yeshivas different places we had different groups I'm in this field for many years now I'm dealing with girls that are struggling really really struggling I haven't met nowadays A boy or girl that went over the D so to speak because they realized that they went through all philosophy and they had all the questions in the world and they realized that that that atheism is the right thing or agnostic or whatever you want to call it because they M saw that evolution is true and was not true I haven't met someone that stopped keep Shas for that reason so we need to get it off out of the way that as well there's no such thing a boy going off the the the D today or a girl struggling with with with chabas with all the other stuff or substance abuse because they realized that isas that doesn't exist I hav met such a boy such a girl I've met a few of them that claim that just because it's easy for them to fight with their parents after they went struggling dropped out of school and and and got into trouble many many times started to comfort their their inner ego guilt sorry their inner guilt they they came up with things oh I have a question on hasm this one and that one and who says how do you know maybe Christianity is right maybe this one they come up with these silly questions but he talked to them five minutes you realize that's not the C we did have this in many years ago we did a lot of Eden in the times of the Enlightenment movement our school we had manyen that there was there was there was such a in the world is going around our school they were selling books to little kids and making fun of yish and if they went over the there was some kind of now it does not exist so what does exist what's going on in the world of we all heard his name I don't know 20 years ago said that gas consist consist of G started from after the first Gus was the G the everybody's trying all this sun trying to fight they were trying to fight so you had to break us the every it's all to break yeen away from toz that was that was going on for for the first third of Gul after that it came it started by maybe Spanish maybe there was a that was struggling and had to be not only for now that be for the gift to stay and they they slaughtered us left and right and the last biggest biggest biggest one was was the Holocaust which needless to say which was probably the biggest physical gift so said the last gas before comes G the emotional goulas we are living in a time where emotions are so you know you look at a person and they have a plain face you have no idea how they're feeling now or El they're doing extra outrageous behavior extra happy extra sad it's a very fine thing it's not it's not seeing with the eyes naturally it's it's you can see some of a broken leg they're physically broken an emotional broken leg you don't see until you talk to the guy till till you get to see how they behavor so the only way we see and we know if someone is hurt emotionally we see on if they're doing risky Behavior their their behavior is telling us where their emotional system is up to so we are actually living and this is our ra as parents and as teachers and Educators and Rebus and whoever they are our Raa is to help CL will manage with stress anybody has stress ever no no who stress these days not exactly right I think that every single family not I think I know for a fact that every single family has multiple issues to dealing with now I remember just 20 30 years ago there was you know certain issues happening certain places and then every family at one issue now I think we're all dealing with a lot of it and 90% of it if you look into it is in our head it's in our thoughts in our feelings it's it's emotional stress that's what we're living with of course gave a big before the Mak and he sent so much therapy in the world there was no psychology going on till till 200 years ago and and 200 years ago till 20 years ago as much as we have now there's so much help there's therapy there's so much to help there's the Fe for the Mak to help us manage and work through and work out how we could manage with emotional stress emotional goulas we're living in an emotional goulas for someone to survive our school system for someone to survive our Mo for someone to survive our lifestyle as a teenager and a child let alone us in our age of course it's you need to be so healthy you need to be so healthy to to be successful in school you need to be so smart you can't you can't have a tiny learning disability you can't have a tiny ADHD you can't have a tiny anything if you do you're you're already doomed you're you're out of the the other 30% of the class you're just not making it and then the stress from the friends and and and and uh peer pressure and so much going on in our communities in the whole world but we'll talk about us now for a little girl a little boy to survive and let alone many many many if not most of our kids that went through terrible abuse some of it that we know and some of us that we don't know going through bullying by teachers malum by other kids older kids neighbors of being molested being touched inappropriately or being exposed to something in a sudden way inappropriate things for little child for our kids they suddenly see something that they're not supposed to see that's the biggest trauma so can I say the word that all of us and all of our kids are living in trauma can we feel comfortable with that that's the m is they have emotional trauma we're living in such stress we're not saying this that we give up we're not give up first none of us are give up first how do I know you came here for every person here in the room there's another 30 that didn't come I'm being nice really there's 50 more that didn't come but I'll be nice I'll say 30 so we are not give ERS what does not give opers mean that we're taking more stress on ourselves in order to help our child deal with their trauma with their pain and they should heal from it that that's that's why we're here you know they say a chain is only as strong as the weakest link all of us are here the whole CL that exists today 2,000 years of goulas we all here all of our cousins that are living in t Aviv and or on in America somewhere they they didn't even know they're Jewish is because someone along their from the ELA side in the ELA Bobby wasn't strong enough and got cut off from the chain and they just swifted off if you're still from or if you came back from you're very strong so don't worry we have in our genes a lot of trauma but a lot of strength crazy amount of trauma but extraordinary amount of strength is right in us we have it we don't feel like we have it sometimes we like how we going to do this how we going to afford this how we going to face this how we going is so much going on in this and and for those of you who don't know me I'm living it myself also I'm not just an expert in this field Hashem gave me two such beautiful nishas that I have to deal with on my own I'm dealing with I'm living it now on a daily basis I'm not just preaching I'm living it so I had to say that so we are all so strong and so not give ERS that we are going to do whatever it takes to help our children deal with the last goulas which is called goulas Hanish and our kids are the ones that Hashem chose that they should carry even more of this gulish not because they have weak nervous system many of them do and many of them just the opposite it's just because they're such who which of the kids the most struggling boys and girls today are the most sensitive and in tunee kids in our society can we I see everybody nodding the head right isn't it isn't it our the most sensitive kid I know my own too the most sensitive kid that really she my kids used to blush as a kid if if another kid was punished for no reason took it so serious I remember my daughter asked me she said I don't understand my teacher is such a hypocrite I said why this is way before it's was struggling regular healthy kid I said at least we thought so at the time I why why why why she could say b a it's a Shem it's a Shem and then she she she told the class one day she has stress she's marrying off a daughter and she's all nervous about it she doesn't know and she's like all nervous I don't understand she believes in hasm why is she nervous this is the kid that went off the resonate I remember when she came home and she told it such a t to my wife I don't know how old she was I don't know 78 years old she said mommy my face is shining do you see it so my wife said sure it's shining tell me why my teacher said if you do a your face shines I gave away my snack for a girl that didn't have and and she doesn't even know that I gave it I put it into her pocketbook and her whatever backpack this is the kid that's struggling with hypocrisy around us our kids are going off because they seeing hypocrites that's trauma to them and all kids that don't care they don't go off they don't they don't have to care there kids that do care and don't go I'm not to just understand what we're dealing with so ours these that are giving us so much pain I'm not I'm going to change the word that are giving us so much exercise they are our gym train ERS we're in the gym right most of us are lazy we'll walk around with the kitchen from the gym for a few months you go two times you're still paying every month and we don't show up and here we have a kid that says no no you're going to do that it's not physical muscles it's emotional muscles it's working on our ego a little bit it's working on our Inner Strength it's working on us on our a little bit and our a little bit it's working on us to work out that maybe many of us have to become a little more clear why with Jewish and Tak to really know things one of my kids said why didn't make like that bya so silly and I gave a beautiful answer I was sitting like I said who else wants to know my other K set out right why do we do like that and I once repeated this and a crowd and a few people there said we don't know adults so don't we need to thank our kids for asking questions thank you I don't know I'm going to find out you know what I'm doing things because I'm a t you're not a t i i I would also like to find out not everybody's asking why we do that I'll tell you why we do that the most beautiful thilla that we have and US specifically us should really zoom in and tune into it is theill the first that we have the beginning of every week you know what the first fill of the week is I will have and I will not fear anything that's coming this week how do we start the week you know all of us have you know right and everybody says that's probably the maybe the to feel down no our subconscious said I'm not weak we're going to deal with all this how we going to deal with all this stress and we have to tune into the p and I was telling my kids we say 7 times for every day of the week we say another that says give me a for this coming week when we light the candles there shabas the M what do we do we light a separate candle for each child one Wick and one candle hav it has to be many Wicks together why shabas every child is their own the everybody's okay to go into the week we need to be together it can't be a private candle it has to be a it has to be a torch and that's why we're holding the torch and what are we doing like that because we're making hav and theur says if you don't have how can it be M and the more D you have the more you're able to differentiate even tiny Manu things and the more D you have you can't say is a Russ there's so many in between so much gray area we say even between say between what does it mean we have such a expects from such tiny details the difference between the the and and what comes down on the expects from us so is all about that so what do we do look at our with the gloss of our nail and then our see we see Hava between the mat and and and the shine and then this way we see the the cracks what is it called the lines in the hand so you see the the shade of the but you want to hear a beautiful thing when I was saying this my wife was standing there my few other kids my wife always has nice beautiful ha to look and she says I have a good word why go like that she says that we're holding our hands we're going to do panus this week and we're going to carry everything and we look at our hands into the fire the collection of everybody all theas together the whole family together and we're looking our hands and what do we see just a few weeks before I said on Shin from the he says so he says work that you're going to do means you should work as much as your hand fits into the hand your whole body your whole that's you're just doing put out your hand and do whatever you can as much as it till ha don't let it get into you then if you think you'll work extra you'll do who knows what that's already too much so we put up the hand my wife said just as much at the hands we're going to do AAS this week again not only pan we're going to doas in our with Our Kind everything that we do with our hand that's all that's all that's all what it is so that's the and we start we're going to we're going to try not to fear this week we're going to rely on you a little bit more so if we're given this such a task such a beautiful beautiful amazing difficult heavy complicated Mission we need to face the complications and be real and deal with ourselves be kind to ourselves sometimes put away a little time if you find a little few moments do something extra for yourself to build up socialize a little more but on the other hand we need to get to work roll up our sleeves and say you put into my hands such a beautiful Nas and I will do everything in the world to help them accomplish their mission in their life I will do everything in the world whatever it takes and what does it take it's not so complicated Once We Gather Until We Gather is [Music] difficult if a child gets to a place that they have to hurt their parents they have to behave in a certain way which they know they're hurting us they grow up in our homes they grow up in our moist they know what what's right they know what's wrong if they're doing something self hurting self harm harming themselves and disconnecting and creating being different than all the friends that they grow up with they drop all the friends they start socializing with so-call friends we know they're hurting and if someone is hurting because someone was given the real mission of the last Gul Gish how can we judge them we need to really really really open our hearts and feel bad for the person if someone hurt me and embarrassed me I have two options I could be the little child which is sometimes permissible even when I'm 45 I had to get upset why did he do that but if the Godless the way we call there certain moments that all of us are the Godless we see everything everything makes sense it's clear it's it's everything is we know what we're doing It's amazing And Then There certain times we the and we're not ready to see the big picture we're seeing everything from a from a very narrow place but when we're able to live in a place of the godas we start going to mid next level really really feeling bad for them and thinking to yourself I can't believe it she walked into the house with that minis skirt or whatever whatever they're doing it must be she's so much pain how could I help my child not be in pain are you walking like this I just bought you a new coat yesterday this I would never buy a coat like this to someone else to the other kids I I'm being M so much you know what I'm doing and you dare walking into the house like that we start judging everything they do how can you swear in our house everybody who has different levels but we've seen it all I mean they always very creative they come up with new stuff but yeah they always surprise us there's always a surprise there's like I'm 18 years I'm still learning this stuff it's amazing if we want to help a person that's hurting we could only do it through realus that's the method that's the idea to understand that these kids are really carrying so much emotional pain it's it's just too much for them but why my kid was always she look at my older kids they're doing great this is my youngest and the the kid older him and younger him and everybody's doing so why is this why does it always have to be this kid okay let's ask together why I can't ask your kid there in the we all know we have the one of the greatest top of the pyramid he writes in a one of the most fascinating pieces ofas you could ever read he says that Hashem chooses certain people to do his holy work to be in the Bish and to learn the whole day and to D and to connect hem gives them zero ADHD Hashem gives them a body and eyes they have no dyslexia nothing everything is perfect they need to grow up to be the because this is part of the army of clist and he the L not have the SI in front of you he says like like like a like a eego does like that and he just soes into the sky easy and then you have that hasem puts them in a place of the lowest places in the world because they have to create a K in that that area and whatever they'll do they're not going to be they'll only be over there and he says it's a Gava is the most humbling peace in the world whoever needs to work on on to be humble a little bit take the peace from the beginning it's not too long it's two pages learn it I'm telling you when I learned that it's just it's just it purifies you it's it's like a wash machine but but in a positive way but it really puts us in place still is not going to put you down you're not going to find you go to if you're going that doesn't exist you know there was this okay okay I'm not going to go stories because we don't have too much time some people their a is to work and to have a skirt from here to here and that one inch this is all they need we need to put ourselves on the S side it's not easy very difficult I remember I um I went through this journey I'm still going through there's a lot of avoid that we need to do our uh trainers of our gym are very active they they they make sure they're they they show up they show up every day this is their avoid do we know but it's so easy to do this if you live in the in the in the the of understanding that this is nobody wants to be there if they're there means there were something is is is pushing them there it's just it's just not something they want to do so what do we do to help someone with their emotional stress every person in the world each one of us to grow up healthy in a healthy childhood what's a healthy childhood we need to be safe secure seen and soothed we all know right some of you know it the four SES and if they're not showing up successfully in in the teenage years a little older means that they're missing it so we do right now so what do we do we see them when each child walks into the house he say hi you look so great today instead of saying wow what made you put on that skirt today where's the couple where's the yamaka what's going on with you that's distancing them more that's giving them more pain the result is going to be they're going to Bear us you even more not consciously subconsciously we could rewrite their childhood but it's more difficult as they get older to give them a and to make them feel secure and to Mage give them security and they should be seen they're important to you you remember everything about them you share with them you go along with them your interest is where their interests are if your child is likes to go gun shooting you go with him go with him take him I don't know what it's called no to the shooting range shooting range that's the word go to the shooting range my son of him asked me that so I don't know that yet I'm learning a lot of things but the idea is not that I should go down to D together with my child the IDE is to try to join them in as many places as we can that if my father my mother is interested in what I'm interested in in this silly song what they're listening or whatever it is that the play games I don't know what it is and you're there with them they're being seen safe secure they soothed you're you're there with them and a child comes home and shares with you that this great movie actor I don't know the house got burnt and in in in California and and and your child is in pain he say wow that's a terrible thing to lose the house I know what you're really thinking I know I know what was thinking when when when s was burning down we know yes it is Sadam and it was burning down but for our kid this is their role model at the moment this makes them feel good because for some reason they don't feel good by us so if this is where they're now go join them where they are and say wow terrible that's the Mahal is not together with your child these kids are walking around with so much pain that they're painting you that they're giving us pain I heard it so many so many times many years OFA Yesa a place a holding place for these for these sadik real bikim and I heard from them so many times the pain and Agony that they're living the guilt of how much pain they're giving to their parents tell never tell it to you never no it's just the way it goes they'll tell it to me they'll tell it to your friend they'll tell it to your aunt and uncle they're not going to tell it to you why whole different conversation doesn't M SE speak to any person that's involved one-on-one with these kids with these boys and these girls they'll tell you exactly this these kids are carrying so much pain all of us naturally want to give Nas to our parents and that's what when our parents give us a compliment we feel good my mother calls me up she still does it I'm already Z I am and and and my mother could call me and say I just saw this clip from you I like that ver that you said I feel like I'm mil what does why does that mean I know she's proud I want to make my mother proud we all want to make them proud or else they abuse you but talk about normal this is is this is this is something and if a child is not doing that they're in pain they're weding their pillows every night no most of them are nocturnal so they're every day day every the day just to make sure and it's normal if a kid is up a whole night and goes out with friends we all need to feel wanted needed somewhere if they don't feel it in school and they're going to outside world by the by the it's in it's the 7-Eleven so the 7-eleven here where did they hang out k it's the only thing I know because I like that crepe there what what else is there they're hanging out somewhere it's so easy to to socialize with other without the without it's so easy to social without us it's it's disc skirt and that and up and I so many millions things need to work by us you need to dive in this way you can't dve in that way you can't dive in a d because you father this go over there it's so easy you say hey what's up you're good to go I know the slangs it keeps on changing they say the music is sick I got sick when I hear that word but sick evidently is a positive world today bad the wedding was sick yeah it's good thing okay but truth we're guilty of the saying because we used to say some and my father didn't like well we said M that's M what so so we're all guilty to die for to die for so it's so much easier to fit in to be part of that commun community no no strings attached you know all you need to have is a bigger cell phone all you need to have is a bigger this a longer nail polish what what what you know green purple orange this week and the what what else do you need you just need to come up with six piercings and seven what what does it take and you're you're the hero it's very difficult to be a fir you today if if you're struggling with it and if it came easy to you you don't even know what I'm talking about so if we could create for them a place place where our are going to feel by us welcome we are your team we are your best friends we'll chill with you come chill chill used to be cold right chilled water yeah so let's chill we're healing them we're starting to rebuild they should start feeling a little bit more the sense of belonging by us rather than than there and one of the most painful things that happens in a person's life when someone went through trauma any type of trauma learning trauma yish trauma abuse something happens to them they get disconnected there's a disconnect they disconnect from everything because you need to fend for yourself it's like it's like a coping mechanism everything that that disconnected from reality from everything so what do we do we create attachment we attach to our our kids in a very very loving not judgmental Place way that's going to heal them they should start be able to think and see the world in a more Healthy Outlook and then they'll start that will bring them to a place they should be able to make a little more smarter decisions speeding is not the best idea in the car you know driving or drinking too much alcohol it's not not the best idea you could talk to them and try to give them a whole D and explain to them and statistics it just doesn't even go in they're not in a place of being real they're not they're not grounded they're not that's not the case first that need to be cuddled cuddled from us they need to really feel that my parents love me endless they are my fans each and every one of our kids the regular kids and the other type of regular kids all of them if they know that we believe in their future you don't need to believe in them now you believe in their future I know you yeah you're you're going through your stage you're going through your phase you're doing certain risky risky Behavior but I know the world is waiting for you you have the best heart all all of them have get Mal and we just need to bring it out and believe in them theas and there is what to believe in them in all of them there is what to believe in them and just bring it out and again and again and again and again and again they should start knowing that all you're building a relationship with them is not because you want to bring them back to yish kite it's just because he care for them you're my child health first yish kite second you know why because if health is first yish kite will be forever if health is not there you just will never be there so child should never feel oh my parents are nice to me because I want to bring me back the yish guat oh the child started wearing a longer skirt or a bigger yam or wearing a yam not keeping the phone on the shabas or whatever and you say wow I'm so proud of you don't do that don't do that let leave idish kite to them they'll be healthy they'll choose yish kite do we really believe that idish kite is the best thing in the world if you do don't sell it don't you don't need to sell it I don't need to sell a good product if I'm a Salesman of uh I don't know this record if I'm a Salesman of this and I go into stores and I believe that this is the best uh voice recorder there is all I need to do is go into the store get my way in to talk to the buyer of the store and say I'm selling you this product it's $100 you can send it sell for $150 done if the guy wants to have a good product so buy it or not like this is not a good product I need to sell it and come back over no I'm telling you this is better you don't need to sell it don't sell yish kite stop it of course they don't even know what it is they grew up in our homes if they saw good bias and if they saw people and kindness that goes on in our communities there's no place in the world what we do but you do yes we have a lot of issues yeah but the most beautiful thing in the world everything which part is not so we don't need to sell them yish kite we don't need to a lot of parents need to sell they themselves are not 100% excited about it and if you're not come will make about it we should we need to jump every day that we e i remember my father wased two months ago we had a debate between me and my brothers the his most favorite filler and we came up there was he was jumping he meant it he lived it he so happy Z Y is is everything we don't need to sell yish stop selling yish don't tell your kids nothing if they're not doing it they're in pain they're hurting they're not able to make smart decisions let's fix the root of the problem yish kite will come back yish kite is the last thing that happened to them you know that when they dropped it was the last thing that you do you're in so much pain the problem is we didn't know our kids are in pain until never they dropped out of dropped waiting or or or doing other things so oh problem no it's not a yish kite problem there's something in this kid why they dropping all of this yish kite will come back the last thing if they choose so most people when are healthy in a good place they'll choose to be a from but that's not our mission we love our kids regardless how how we not love our kids let's all remember when our child was born our little daughter our little son I went to The KES I just just last we went to the hospital with the balloons and the newborn and the let's go back to that feeling with that kid that kid had a few bumps along the way something happened with that love went away let's go back to that let's go back to that moment and say I love this kid endless regardless we jumped into boss bombs of sh I remember when I was a teenager a mother jumped into a bus bom to save her child she got killed and the child was threw out of the window we die for our kids suddenly they're doing a few things a lot of things that we don't like and that's it the love is endless tell them live it don't let your pain your ego your image and your worry about the other kids get educated we're trying we're all growing together and trying to figure out how to deal with this but they should walk around feeling that my parents don't love me as much as because I'm struggling so because there's a shag there this pain the whatever it is that's driving so now they they're doubling trauma and you know what it does to the other kids it makes them also feel unsecure unsafe oh so my sibling is misbehaving and I they kids know everything they feel if they feel that you don't love and cherish and go crazy for that kid because they they dyed their hair yellow the other kids feel it and you know what you're doing to the other kids you're telling them if you don't behave you're not part of this and that's trauma for the whole family so the opposite when we have these kids and we give them all the love and whatever we can and we try to connect with them and make them feel seen safe and secure they're part of us the other kids feel healthier they say okay my sibling is going through some turent times they must be very much in pain there some kind of trauma they're going through and we need to educate the other kids and tell them what's going on but this not a conversation not how to talk to siblings but even without talking to them even before we talk to them they'll they they they sense a stability in the home they sense that this is where we are doesn't hem do the same thing with us so Isel doesn't behave we're out the Christians this is what they're saying they're going around saying that the Eden sinned andem gave up on the Eden and he made it they they they confused the p and whatever and they do whatever they want and chose someone else a different nation and is giving them the to this this is Chris all of Russell says a beautiful V he says that just last took out from right says I don't know how to define it I don't know what that means but if there's 50 levels and by 49 it took us out 50 would be too late I think it's worse than the world is today I'm assuming why did he wait asks why did he wait till such a level like the level two take them out 49 living with doing the in the world and why he said that I'm taking you out regardless of your behavior forever we had did the agle to Days Later of G the whole story the whole we're living it now these Paras it is no will never be if goes the still going to love us they still well it's not connected with our Behavior we need to tap into that because really we do love them it's just so much pain that's covering us more more layers and we don't have to show it we don't have to connect with it and we start feeling maybe I don't like this kid as much you could say I love this child and I have pain from this child pain and love is not a contradiction even a marriage you know when your spouse says something in by your in-law's house something that you said and she embarrass or he she embarrasses you you feel so turned off you can't talk to her enough or weak how she got hurt right we feel disconnect feel turned off sometimes it shouldn't be that way we need to think to ourselves okay my wife said something that hurt me I'm very very hurt but I still love her she's important to me just sing that and you'll see you not turned off you just you could you could love someone and be in pain from that person you can't love and hate someone that you can't the problem is where does that come from many of us when we were little kids when we were punished we felt oh my parents don't love me now when I'm good my parents love me I come up with a test that's 90 and above my parents love me I come back with a 30 my parents don't like me so they feel you always if a child feels my parents always love me regardless even when they're punishing me telling me I need to be in my room now for half an hour I do that I have my son he's he's hurting the next brother it happens in some homes kidding three little boys quite active and he beats up his younger brother yeah and I say you need to go into your room right now for half an hour don't even dare come out of your room I can't wait for you to come out of your room in a half an hour it really bothers me but you need to go into your room right now so I talk strong and I give all the love and I can't wait for you to come out because that's not so my child is in his room he doesn't feel for a second my father doesn't love me and that child grows up he can be upset at someone without losing the love so all of us let's work on that theam is doing this all the time he didn't need this lecture he doesn't get turned off it doesn't get cold it doesn't feel like ah we're disconnected disconnect the come out between husband and wife living hundreds of times parents and children partners in business neighbors so how many times things are going to happen that the other one is going to do something going to hurt you so every time we get turned off turned on takes two weeks to turn on our our our feelings again towards the other and back down we shouldn't be living there I don't think it's that complicated think to yourself for a second am I going to lose my love no the person were connected I'm hurt immediately it comes back in and that's does with us and that's what we need to do with our kids I remember my daughter when she started her journey when she signed up to be my my gym coach trainer my personal trainer went shopping I shared the story many times but I just need to say it and we walk into the big you know been to man the big the biggest grocery over this called Evergreen not a promotion and I'm walking in there and she's dressed like the way she wanted at the time was the first time was public and started going through the aisles and quite a few people know me the town it's my neighborhood I live there and people and I saw all the faces was him yeah no it was no was no that's I saw everything I was dying from inside and this is a person that was preaching exactly this 10 years before this happened because this line almost 20 years and I said schi oh up practice what you're preaching this is the time right over here right now I put myself together and I just like a hero like a like a going down the aisles nothing and and I must say if by the third four di was good to go this is it this is come to the car my daughter starts crying tearing up with her she says TTI I I really hurt you I'm so sorry I hurt you and I said no you didn't hurt me I was hurt that's my own issue you're going through your journey you're exploring yourself whatever you need to do you do you me do me if I was hurt that's my issue my journey you don't need to live a life that's going to give me I need to live a life where I'm going to get my own self-esteem let's say it my own place in this world regardless of how my kids look like and then I told her I remember was holding a shoulder and I said there's nothing in the world you could do that's could take away my love from you nothing in the world and and I'm living it I'm not saying it's very easy all the time say the least it's a journey but this the truth there's nothing in the world you could do not to love a child you could be in pain don't be scared to have pain and love at the same time it works it's it's it's two feelings that work together simultaneously it's nothing but we need let's talk about El now a few minutes we need so much why do we need because we're still human it's very nice in theory to sit over here and say all the beautiful things it's still hard for still difficult so what do we do we get together we try to make Gatherings like the most amazing and his wife they're doing Ines and no what's I forgot your first name sha and and and and Rit of cats and everybody doing groups of support groups and coming together and being Each Other M and sharing the stories we should have K to continue going back to the gym we need to talk about it we need to remind ourselves that we're doing hashem's work we need to remind ourselves that this is the best thing in the world that could ever happen to us we need to REM remind ourselves this is the best thing that our child can ever go through we need we need energy and we can't do this alone and not everybody's to be able to do with their spouse try try try very very hard but if you can't get from someone else pick yourself up we need a lot of we need reminders to remember what we're going what we're doing this alone we all feel like we're in dead ends we're like such a trap the worst feeling is to feel like in a trap here we want to help our child here we don't have extra money here we have this issue here we have that issue we don't have enough room in our house it's tiny there's no space there's so much add on you know all these add-ons right you buy a product comes with add-ons this this product also comes with a lot of add-ons and and and then it's like all these tiny letters in the back that you didn't know he's signing for you know the clo us and then then and we signed the signature in the bom we had no clue what we're signing we're like that's the deal I would say that everything in sign comes along with many small ones and someone sometimes the the small ones around it are worse than the ass itself right he go through difficulties we're dealing with a major issue but everything around it is is so much more difficult so we need to tell ourselves maybe that's the ass maybe that's the gym maybe that's the exercise you know I Envision it sometimes like we're walking down with this big um shopping cart I walk around the down the oh I need a little bit more someone told you word I need a little bit more of uh something lus now you filling up our Hab shopping cart and and anything that comes our way oh what what mid could I work on now okay on anger on C and jealousy what what it's a shopping cart really really really we only need to cry together and give out all our give out our pain and scream and Y yell that these walls should fall off it's healthy to do it sometimes whatever it takes we do to excel in our gym and Excel on our emotional muscles our mental muscles and build up our savings account in ad and build all the other kids around us to have all theas that we have to to to do it I'm going to conclude with this for now because we still have to answer go through a lot of the questions and answers the B said one of the most famous words he said it says hasem is like your Shadow just like you the shadow does exactly what you do the light is shining whatever you do in sh Hashem does everything what we do we forgive people forgives us sometimes in show him some kind of hardship that they need to go through some kind of and then hasem says you know what let me see if he has let me send him some kind of to pick up someone on a hitch is he going to do that let me send him this child to do one more difficult thing today and whatever we do we forgive and we move on and we do extra so much for our kids does we're his kids hasm should give us all the to fulfill our mission that hasem gave us and we should do when we can we can we can but the only way to be is we're able to cry we need to cry sometimes many times I don't need to remind anybody to cry do I no I don't need reminders either I have many reminders like alarm clocks so we need to have reminders to be we need to have moments when we focus and we think and we plan ahead and we need to have so much more moments to be with all the kids need to be us if we can to see us happy and and and with your spouse can I ask you one more thing about your spouse go on a date once a week I am serious I don't think I pass a week without going a date with my wife if I don't remind remind her she'll remind me you have to do this on a weekly basis it does not have to cost any money to go on a walk to take a drive alone cell phone off not un vibrate off and that walk or that date is not to discuss heavy or complicated conversations that's to be a teenager when you met your spouse the first time do that again just laugh make funny silly jokes and just just rekindle the marriage that's all we need to do you know who's going to benefit we you know who else kids we need to go on a date I'm telling you if the title would be written today it would be in I'm telling you you know why it's not in there because it's the of course hasm doesn't say in the S go eat right doesn't say there so we didn't need to eat we didn't need to be told but it looks like we're so Str I'm not I'm living this world I'm I'm here I'm just standing here now I'm I'm here I I know I have a lot of my own struggles going on in my life currently besides these these two beautiful nishas that I'm dealing with but if I wouldn't do that date I don't I survive I try to do two hours and if it can we do one hour and some families could do it 12:00 in the middle of the afternoon so 10:00 at night but every week and if you don't make make it you do it the next day and the next week you do one and a half times to make up I'm serious telling you no I'm telling you it this is it nothing gives us more strength than that Chill on a date and if you can't go out and play something I don't know what you're doing whatever it is do it St going to buy ice cream I don't know whatever it is everybody in their own thing okay there's so much so much more to talk there billions of things I really hope that let's all go home with this some an advice that we spoke about just to to remember that our kids love us we love them they're just in pain they're just in pain and put on your glasses that says ra just that just that just that