Rav Shloime Ehrlich - Five Tips; Bring Your Marriage to Higher Level While Going Through Challenges

many different in the animal kingdom there many different uh like pigeons they they married the sister it's like the parents leave two eggs a boy and a girl and they have children why did Hashem make that kalisil that that humans should marry from one family to the other that we all have different backgrounds of different natures is to work on ourselves to become better it's like to integrate and work out stuff but that in itself leads a lot of a lot of practice, a lot of work and a lot of until we become better beings. But when a huge challenge comes into life, that's when it becomes that's when we have to bring our marriage to the next level. Just two months ago, they hired me to speak by Mikimi. If you know what it is, you shouldn't know. It's an organization that helps uh patients and families of patients that have were diagnosed with a very sad situation and they had a mala they got they got in my there were like 150 people so they wanted me to some give them some guidance and some comfort and so I spoke some how to deal with you know different types of issues and with the other kids and the families but really it was a question and answer session afterwards All of them there was very calm. They were saying how do we deal with it? I deal with the issue very different than my husband deals with it or than my wife deals with it. We all have a different outlook how to deal with the child. How do we tell the other kids? But I think it's even more so when we deal with the current with children that challenge us or I don't I don't like the labels the OTDs. I don't whatever label it is. That's when I think there could be a lot of um I don't want to use the word conflict or it could be a very different way and a different approach how to look at it. Let's say for instance there's a uh people are shopping in Walmart and suddenly there's an explosion at the other side of the store. There's explosion of some smoke, right? There's a few hundred people in the store. Everybody's going to deal with it very different. Some people are going to run out. Some people are going to grab others and run out. Some are going to run towards it to see how they can help. And some are going to freeze, right? There's fight uh flight, flight, and freeze. They don't say freeze. I added freeze. But you see it there. The light shines in the eye. It freezes. It doesn't know what to do. Doesn't it's not aggressive and it doesn't run away. But many people do that. We freeze. We don't know what to do. And within that is a difference between the men and the women. How they're going to see and deal with this. When there's a a tragedy happens in a family, something goes very wrong, a health issue or a child that goes off the just chooses to going through different stages. Usually the husband and wife have a very different outlook. There are certain things. We all have different egos. Men have egos and women have egos. We all have our own co our own but it's very different. Sometimes the the husband or the or the father is is uh more concerned about shame. what are the street going to say and how do we deal with this? How do we deal with that? And the mother, the wife is dealing with a total different issues that that bothers her. What's going to be with the other kids? She's our own maternal. So there's different types of concerns. They they both are concerned for the same thing. They want the child to grow up healthy and and happy and and from and productive. But what happens is if you don't work together as a team, obviously obviously it's not going to be not only it's not going to be uh it's not going to work out good, it's going to be destructive. It's just not going to be there are so many times in in life that we have to work together on an extra level. Let's say looking for shitta for good thing. You look for sha for your child. It's very common that you have a different outlook than your wife or than than your husband. It's a very different what you're looking for. How does she go about it? Should we call or should we not call? You know, there's always in general there's always, you know, I deal with couples a lot in Shumbai. It's so common that you have he's always on time, she's always late. Or the other way around, he's a perfectionist, she's a Slav or the other way around. I just had a couple. They went on vacation. This guy spent I don't know like $5,000 on vacation. went or whatever. He wanted to run around. He spent so much money. He wanted to run around. And she said, "What do you mean? I work so hard the whole year. I want to sit in the Yama on the beach and just just relax. I'm not interested." And sometimes I had the opposite. Everybody's different styles. Some people want to go on vacation, just relax, some want to run around. Some are spenders, some are more saviors. It's it's it's it's part of Hashem's uh I don't want to say comedy, but but that's what he does. We could we could date and go out I don't know how many times and when we get married you get to see there's so many things that were opposite but that's the beauty of life. That's the beauty of marriage that we grow together and we become we integrate. If you're if you're a lemon and she's an orange, the children are going to be grapefruits, right? So it's it's always it's good to integrate. But when it comes to a challenge with something way more way beyond than just, you know, always always have to wait for you. you're never on time or you're always, you know, stop spending on this. It's it's, you know, all these differences is when dealing with your own child, your own inner and what you're sharing together, it could be so painful. And even more so when the child is already in a stage where where it's it's it's it's just I don't say dreadful, but it's already in a in a in a in in a state where it's it's a danger mode. There's a lot of thoughts back, you know, last year I was here for this for the Shabas. And so many people just wanted to tell me how it happened. Oh, when he was in this yeshiva, he was kicked out and I shouldn't have let him leave and then he went to here or she went to here. They always I I kept on hearing that everybody's repeating the process how it happened because suddenly we find ourselves our child is is you know is doing all kinds of stuff and it's it's it's already so what happens is this could bring blame. Oh, my husband should have listened to me when we started in the first place. We shouldn't have sent him that stroll. That was a mistake or we sent her to this school or or we listened to this one, we listened to that one. There's a lot of those kind of things. So, obviously, we have to minimize that if we want to to be productive and work together to save the child and ultimately to save the whole family. If you're working together as a team, you look and you understand the difference, the gender differences, the way a woman sees the situation, a man sees the situation, and you see beyond. Yeah. So, I want to ask when we when we go back to the Torah, the first time we see, we see it's h and they're not agreeing on as right. Right. She has only issue with it. It treat them like gold and she doesn't. So, maybe was planned was good, bad. Yes. But but the way I look at it, I'm saying like maybe sometime it's not so bad to say to the kids this what Aba feel this what I feel but I'm agreeing with with that's okay that's okay in on a daily basis in a regular thing we'll talk about in a general plan right you're setting up a a a plan how to deal with this child the child is out the child's a teenager she knows or he knows what he's doing already at least I think so and they're out in the street they're big they could there there's huge decisions that has to be made together obviously it could be on on on a daily basis, a child could ask you a even a little kid could ask you, I I want to have a snack before I'm going to bed tonight and you can say yes and then they ask daddy and daddy says no. That's okay. It's not a conflict. It doesn't doesn't it doesn't take away the stability of the child. It's not that's not the we talk about the plans and how to deal with the whole with the whole situation. The worst thing in marriages in general is that people sometimes grow apart. while you're dating, while you meet, you're on the same level in Yiddish Kite and other things. And then eventually, you know, he he gets his influences, she get her, they read different papers or they get 20 years later, they find themselves in two different sides. And the kids end up feeling that. But if you have to work together to save a child, you have to start growing together. And growing together is a choice. It's a choice. It's a it's a um it's a decision. we have to make a decision that we have to work on this project together on saving this child as much as we can and the rest of the children and that's something that that that why why why we're talking about this today and I think that there many different um speeches on this topic because obviously this is something that has to be discussed this is just not again as I said before this is not only with parents that are struggling with teens this is parents that are strug struggling with children that are not healthy or or or or married kids that are not happily married and there's so many other things that that life could bring. We have to we're forced basically when we have a struggle like this, we're forced to work on our marriage and to bring it to the next level and that's that's something that we have to focus on. So, I think that getting a little more practical, hands-on, how do how do the marriage together and a place that we could work as a team to save this child and to make all the other kids stable. I always say just before that, just one second, I always say that people say I remember like 25 years ago, 30 years ago, Rabbi Abraham J. Torski was the first one that came out with a book and he was talking about uh self-confidence, right? It was like a new thing at the time and everybody was into it. It took a few years till it penetrated and all the speakers now it's a given. We all know we got to give your child confidence. You have to build them up. You have to give them and then love. Everybody know you have to give your child love. We all know we have to give our ch child children love. I mean you know post Holocaust the our my parents whatever the parents of 60-year-olds their parents were Holocaust survivors. They didn't give if you survived you were good you know wasn't but today's generation we need to give. But there's one word that is is not mentioned enough and that is security and stability. If a child feels secure, my parents are always going to be here to protect me. That's a very important ingredient. If you don't have that, you can give them as much love as you want. The child doesn't feel comfortable in this world. They don't they don't feel uh secure. You can give them love and try to build up their confidence. It's not going to work. You need to give them security. They need to feel secure. And what makes them feel secure? If Taty and mommy are a team, if the father, if the husband and wife are not a team, again, not like I said before, if he wants a snack before goes to bed. I'm talking it's in a stable. The child is not going to feel stable. And the child doesn't feel stable. Whatever you put into the child afterwards, it's all full. It's like it's like building a cup and then you could fill it up. If it has holes and if it's not a stable cup, you could pour in whatever you want. it's going to leak out the the the structure of the human being, the structure of the child of every child is to feel that my father and my mother are a team and this is a stable home. It's okay if they my both parents think a little different than different things. It's okay. But they need to feel that. And how did they feel that by working together say ask daddy, ask mom or you know different things. They see working together they see that the parents respect each other. They see this parents love each other and that's fine. That's that's saying it. But when it comes to a story like this, you have this child that's starting to become at risk acting up by the Shabas meals or throwing things. I I need to tell you all these we all have different stories, but it's in the same category. The other kids are seeing are looking consciously and even more so subconsciously. How are my two pillars, my father and my mother, going to deal with this together? When there's an an eruption in the house, there's an explosion and there's a an 18-year-old making a tantrum in the house. How is my father and my mother going to handle this? Are they strong? Do they know how to deal with this? Oh, she's going to scream. You deal with it. No, you deal with it. I don't know what to say. Why you screaming at him? You should be nice. Don't fight it out in the bedroom. Like, work it out how you want to deal with it. But as soon as the other children, that child and other children feel that when there's a problem in the house, the parents are not a team together, they're not working on this together. This takes away the stability of the other kids and this child also. They want to see you being a team and a strong team that that that's giving the security and and and and the and the stability in the home. So I think that the first thing is the women are going to like this one. Communication, you know, communicate more. You have to communicate more. Yes. Communication is like this. You know that um to say it quick, you know, the moral always talks about there's a right. So this so the is so different. The is a is a water stone. It's nothing. It's a regrowth. And then there's a which is us. What's the difference between a and a madab? That a is alive. An animal could come and go. It could also reproduce and everything, but it can't talk. But is it that that we're is the talking the more is is the talking that the difference between us and the Kai? Isn't it the cycle? We have cycle. We have brains. We could we could build bridges. We could go up to the moon. An animal can't more than his own territory. He doesn't know how to do it. He doesn't. And the answer is he gives is because mab communicating is what makes us more than the animals. It's not so much. Of course, is huge. Our brains is amazing. But if you can't communicate, if you can't give over and you can't tell the other party you're communicating to your problems, your issues with them or communicating or I mean communicating your your feelings or your understandings and understand and listen and everything that comes along with communication. You're not in Madabi. You're still a Kai. That's what makes us special. So if a team works together and there's a huge project when we have a child like this, it's a huge very serious needless to say project and it's not just something that happens on its own. We need to work on it and how is it going to be if we the couple has to designate and put away extra time to communicate how are we dealing with this kid and not only that how are we dealing with each other. So if you put away time, extra time because there's so much stress in the house and so because there's so much issues, you put away a time, you go on a date once a week, you could be married 25 years, I don't care. You just go on a date. You take a time every Wednesday night, Tuesday night, Sunday night, whatever it is, an hour, two hours, it doesn't have to cost money, doesn't nothing. Just close your phone, not a vibrate. Close the husband and the wife. You have time to look at each other in the eyes and just it's time not about the situation. just general just to build a relationship just to have extra time. If you have more stress, you have to add more more more of the of the good things. You have to there always has to be a balance and if pe if a couple has time together they they they fab together and talk and communicate. I think that alone it gives kayak to deal later with the other problems. It has to be it has to be that. Number two, you have to become your spouse's therapist. We could all have outside a therapist who we talk to everything. But at the end of the day, a wife wants her husband to understand and know her feelings about the situation with the child and to validate it. And the same thing is the husbands. Of course, they're not going to admit it all of them, but they also want their wives to really know their deeper inner feeling of how they feel when they go to shu. Their issue, the part that bothers the man other different than bothers for the woman. the the the this this challenge, this child's challenge, and they want the wife to have a feeling and feel along and to say and validate. He comes home and he says, "I was so embarrassed. We went to this in this wedding and our child walked in there looking like what?" And maybe to her this part doesn't bother her as much as bothers him. You have to really understand them and feel it and validate it. And if you again, if you designate a time for this, you're going to deal with this. You're going to say, "Yeah, I understand you. It makes sense. this is terrible that that this is how you feel and this is how it is. We're forced to become therapists. We have to I mean anybody that's married would be but we have to work together and understanding the others the other party's feelings and I think that's that's a very very important thing. Number three I think what's very important is to have a common mentor. You both decide that whenever we have a challenge, if there's something coming up, there's a there's a change, a plan, you have we're going to ask, you try to work it out together. If it doesn't work, you ask this and this professional that deals with these kind of kids or whatever. And you say whatever they say, we both follow like this. There's no one to blame afterwards. If it doesn't work out, there's no there's no difference between the husband and wife. This we decided together that we're listening to this and this professional or to this and this Rav or to this and this person and whatever they say, that's what we're following. It's going to take it's going to avoid so many so much pain and so much confusion. It's it's going to avoid all kinds of issues that could come up later. We say listen we decided and we're following and we ask Hashem that this person that we're asking should have whatever they say that's what we're doing. It's very important to have a mentor someone that we discuss and it has to be an agreed mentor that whatever this person says that's what we're doing and that's and I I think that could avoid a lot of issues and that could bring people together. Then I want to talk about something which I think is the most important of all of it is to put away a time when you're going to deal with this issue or any issue in life. If someone let's say you're looking in a regular issue you look for your child your child is getting a little older and so what happens is it's constantly on your mind. It's constantly your mind. You think oh what are we going to do? What are we going to do? I'm not calling this should be called so or people that have even some people that don't have it's also constantly on their mind on their mind and their mind. What happens is it's stealing them from life because they're constantly thinking about that particular problem. Life is so much bigger than that. We have so much pleasures and so much good things in life. We could focus on our good kids. We could focus on ourselves and our health and everything. It's sim and there's always good things in life. But if someone has an issue that's bugging them constantly on their mind, they're stealing their own their own their own their own life. I was once in a uh in a old age home and uh there was an elder over there says tell him this kind you should you should learn from the elderly. So I was had a schmuz was very smart to eat and I asked him this all kinds of question about life and he I asked him if you could relive life again what would you do different let's say you turn 20 now what would you do different he thinks a second and he says nothing I would live life exactly the same way I did now the only thing I would change I would never worry again whatever I worried for I'm looking back I was worried for my son was not married. He's a Za already. I was worried about this. If it has to work out good or the other way around, it worked out anyway. It happened anyway. The worrying stole my time and stole my life. And this it sounds simple, but to me it was this was such a deep message like giving an old deed an opportunity again. It says nothing. I just never worry again. You don't worry about how you're going to pay your mortgage. You don't worry how what's going to work out with your child. everything is going to work out the way Hashem wants to be and it's going to be anyway. So why should I steal? But the only way to do it is if we learn I think this is a general uh gift you could give yourself that you designate a time. So let's say every Sunday night you sit down for two hours and together and you discuss this child what are we doing next? Where we up to you have a file a folder you write down last time the mentor said this we should do that. Did anything change this week? did it not change where where we're going from here and as soon as the time is up you close that book you leave and the whole week you don't think about it when if it's emergency you deal with it twice a week three times a week but you designate a time the rest of the time the rest of the week you're focusing on yourselves you're focusing on your other kids you're focusing on the world you're focusing on on your business and whatever it is on your relationships whatever it is don't let it come if it pops up in your mind you tell yourself Sunday 6:00 clock will deal with it. You have a thought we should call maybe this. So you write on the thing you put it away and then you push it. After a few weeks what's going to happen is I tried and tested this many times and worked with so many people. I was I was by Shabaton this year um for sister to sister for divorced women and I spoke there for them on Shabas and and then M Shabas there was a lot of some women sitting around and they wanted to like it was like it happened. It became like like a workshop sort of. So I was elaborating on this topic how it works. Exactly. We have our subconscious a subconscious constantly brings up the issues a whole time and all. So what's going to be with that all the worries? What's going to be? What's going to be? So I told him it's just like a little child. If you have your little child, a 2-year-old knocking, "Daddy, I want a candy. I want to go already." Right? And you say, "One minute, one minute. I'm on the phone." Right? I'm I'm I'm on the phone. Mommy, I want this. I'm on the phone. One minute. Child doesn't know what one minute means. again and again and again. How can you get a child to stop bugging you and say you do something physically? You say, you see the the clock, it has a stick. When the stick is going to be straight, that's when I'm going to take it. They're going to stop because they know that this is this time you're going to deal with it. Our subconscious, the same thing. If you give it a time, after a few weeks, the same way when you go to therapy, I always say the best thing is to do it the same day of the week at the same time. If let's say you're going for therapy for a few weeks for something, you make it the same time. Your subconscious is going to know, it's going to learn after a few weeks that Thursday 3:00 is when I deal with this issue. And it's really going to let you live the rest of the time. It mamish works. It's like it's like a nest. So you cannot live and breathe. I talk to parents, they say, "I'm I I'm not sleeping at night. I'm not eating. I'm this. I'm so worried about my child. I'm It's true. It's very worrisome." And this is this is one of the worst pains a person could have. Murus has cleared this is the worst pain to have in in in the world. I think uh as I said before I was by many different Shabatones. Last year when I came to the Shabaton for the teams at risk to me this was I've seen more pain over here than I've seen them in in other places which so this is a very painful thing but if you designate you put a time you're going to see it's gonna it's going to become easier. Situations are going to change. You're going to change and you're gonna just know how to deal with it. It's just going to become lighter. You'll say, "You know what? I'm designating this time and this is what I'm going to do with it. The idea that that we are in control is something that happens when we're three-year-old kids, four year olds. When we start building blocks and you say I have I built something. I made something I and then you you have it falls down then you build it again. You start building up something and you start taking control of things around you. You cook your own lunch. You know how it is. You you start doing things throughout life. As you get older we start believing in oursel that we're building up. We could do something. We're productive. I know how to deal with this and I don't deal with that. And of course men are different than women when it comes to this. Before there was GPS, a man would never stop to ask directions. He say, "I know how to go there." Even though you go around the block 25 times and still try to find, "I'm going to figure it out. Don't worry, I'm going to figure it out." Instead of stopping and asking someone, you know, but we all are like that in in different ways. These children, these boys and girls, when they go through something, they say, "Don't tell me how to deal with it. I know already." You know, you talk to these 17-year-olds, 18y olds, 20-year-olds, different ages, and they say, "I know how to deal with it. It's okay." Right? And we try to rationalize with them, and it doesn't work. You try to rationalize with with a with with someone that's that's in that mode. It's just not going to it's not going to work. There's the there was a 150 years ago was called he wrote a safe was called he was more like a um like the pett a little more psychological like a little out of the box let's call it was he was but it was a little for those years he was like wow and he writes something interesting it says in the it says that theor says right? We all know that question. If if the Torah says that I'm going to pay you back on this will say if you're going to do the mitz you're going to get and if not not and then you see that people righteous doesn't mean that a person that does righteous that does lives the way doesn't do and does mitzvah and the basics is considered a and and they're and and they're having so of course we know that there's all kinds of nice and this way and that way was trying to figure it out there No, nobody got an answer basically. So he says something interesting. He says if someone is a real sadic, they're living in a in a higher level. They see everything is Hashem and everything is it's all about the next world. It's not about here and whatever Hashem does is good to them. Wow. They don't have a big deal. They have health issues. Whatever they have, they don't care. It's not they're living for Hashem. They're total devoted to Hashem completely. To them it's not. So he says what is sadic vero if someone has a child that's of the d that's the question that mob asked veral how could it be all the other stuff they could deal with but a child going that's that's that's that's the most painful thing in the world and how do we answer that that's called sadi you know the game strateg was my kids are playing last week shabas my 5-year-old and 8-year-old I see them think and then the younger one comes and he wants to figure out how it works and he says let show me where's your flag right you know the flag is the last so he says I can't show you my flag my flag the game is over I said ah if hashem tells us this answer the game is over asked show me show me your face we know is not physical but no show me your plans that that's my flag the game is You can't be alive and see the flag. You can't continue the game. You can't continue the mission and the and the and the avoid over here. If you're seeing the if I'm showing you the flag, you come shim. I'll show you the game is over. I'll show you. Yeah. What my plans were. I show you everything. So, when we go through this kind of challenge, we don't see the flag. Hashem doesn't show us the flag. He doesn't show us when we're going to get there, how we're going to get there. He doesn't show us his plan. But one thing I can tell you just like this old Eid that told us that looking back his life and he says the only thing I can tell you is don't worry. I would never worry again. He says I don't need to see the flag now. I'm already seeing the flag. I'm 90. All the daggers that I had, all the issues that I had but child over it all worked out to the end of the day. I'm constantly I think back and so many things that I was just for an exercise. You remember like two years ago I was so worried about this and this thing. What happened at the end? It worked out. It came from left field. Hashem sent some I don't know miraculous thing and it worked out you know like I just met the I know he came to America to collect money. He was the mach. The first few kids he had money still. He's up to I guess younger kids he can't. So he came. So he asked me I should help him collect money for so he said he he was like so stuck. What's going to happen? And then out of left right before he went back, he said he met someone that someone that had made a promise. That's how it goes. Someone made a promise to Hashem that if this this works out, he's going to give it's a huge sum. I don't know whether it's $10,000, $8,000 for something. And he's going to give it to the first person that needs it. And that person had a issue. Something worked out. I think it was in the hospital, whatever it was. And this my this this maki that I know was went over to him and he said maybe not. He said he lost it. He gave him a check or a cow, whatever it was. She said, "Look, Hashem Mish put into my hands the day before I was supposed to go back." I mean, this is a firsthand story. I I spoke to this mug here. I have to remember the exact details, but this is the story. So, looking back after something gets resolved or whatever works out, whatever the way you see that mishad and everything and everything and it's just we just we just can't be worried while it's happening. It's easy to say, hard to do, of course. But if we set a time and we set a place, we say, "Listen, this is the time I'm going to deal with it. The rest of the time, I'm not focusing on it." It's going to make it much easier. It's hard to do, but you focus and you train yourself, it's going to it's going to work out. Um, I have to finish. So I want to I want to say these words that the couples that work together as hard as it is after a big assign or assign that we're dealing with or or different types of issues. If they worked it out together, they sometimes look back and say, "Ah, who knows if this whole struggle was just to bring us to such a place because working out together and and really trying to understand the others perspective and back and forth and getting there and working together as a team through this challenge. The closeness that this couple gets to nothing else could have brought them there. I've had many many people tell me that that when they look back afterwards the child just now in the hall right before we came in here someone gave me regards of a young couple that just got married and they a year ago and they're living in in in Towns River and he gave me regards to them and I said I so took me a minute to his and this is one of the boys that I dealt with probably 13 years ago that and he was like totally he was on drugs he was in everything he like all the real stuff And Msham was he was one of my first few boys that I worked with. I remember this and he got married from regular and his father I remember that time told me if you could bring him to just be a men I don't need to be a ye I don't need nothing just he should be a normal person he shouldn't have we're good and he's so settled and also miracul to to to N what was different the whole now he's doing great it was mamishnissim the parents had no way of seeing this child and it was a very uh let's call it aggressive type of nature like a It was hard hard not to crack but just so sometimes the parents look back and they say wow had I known right imagine Alon never comes to you and he says don't worry this child is going to go through a stage from now till 2 years PM time is going to happen and it's going to change are you still going to be so worried you're going to be pain to see them doing crazy choices but if you know Hashem sends you that don't worry the child is going to be worked out you're going to be much calmer same thing you're waiting for you're waiting for children right someone would say I would I would use that time to you know I would I had a talking so he told me that he was bringing stuff from England to Israel back something and he was caught and they they passed he went to jail for 18 months and he was thinking regular was a cing man at the time he says 18 months I could finish took a longer the time he came out. He went to the and he got became a dy he figured out. So he used he utilized this time he turned it into a a a an experience that he was able to for the rest of his dying today. I know. So if you would know if we would just know things, right? We were just shown that that flag, right? The the we're not but we have to look around the world and we see that eventually things always somehow maybe it's not going to work out exactly the way we want to. It's going to it's not going to be everybody goes through ages and stages and there's no such thing as as saying you know this guy there's um there was one of my sheer once who I I I gave a speech about uh late bloomers and someone came and approached me later I was talking about trees that certain trees give out flowers later and you have children he had a child that the teacher said the the playground teacher and this one and that and the therapist said you got to send this child for speech therapy the child is not talking and the child turned 4 and a half and just started talking like like a za never stopped like suddenly something still had to be developed in the child's brain and everything was a late bloomer some of our kids are mitzvah boys you see them putting on a hat it's a date 13 years he mitzvah he become but the child is still a child you see he's still a 10-year-old in his in his brain is something wrong it's it's our perception we decided that that schools have to go according to age the the classes and everything goes according to age maybe it has to go according to stage So a lot of people need to are in different stages. You see 18year-old boys and girls that are behaving like 13y olds and sometimes you see them it's okay it's going to pass which you have to of course try to keep them from from doing like crazy things that are detrimental for life that it's going to be irreversible damage as much as we can and of course whatever but we need to know that it's a time it's it's a age and it's a stage it's going to at the end of the day. So if we could designate a time and I could I think we'll finish with this to that this particular time let's say every Sunday at night you sit down and you discuss with your spouse how are we dealing with this child what are we doing next what's our plan who we speaking to what's the next thing and the rest of the week try say oh it's not Sunday night you do it three weeks in a row you're going to see immediate results you're going to start think you're calmer the rest of the week you know some people are afraid to let No, because then it's something wrong with me. Why am I not thinking about the issue now? Probably something wrong with me. I'm not I'm not doing right. I'm cold blooded. What's going on with me? Why? No, I'm a healthy person and I'm putting away a time to deal with it. I don't want to deal with this issue the whole time. I think this is the greatest gift you can give yourself on this issue and many and many and many other issues. Okay, shine. Good job.