Rabbi Shloime Ehrlich - Kesher nafshi 6

Huh? We had such an amazing Shabas. In a way, it's a was a very heavy Shabas, but it made us lighter. It's oxymoron maybe or it's a contradiction or it's both. It's a heavy shabas and a light shabas. There's so much emotion, so much feeling, so much information, so much, so many classes, so many information and inspiration. 30 seconds of inspiration. I'm not really the uh maybe I started the 30 seconds of inspiration, but I never trademarked it. So, anybody could do it. Someone asked me the Shabas if you could also use the same format of saying 30 seconds of inspiration every day. I told them I didn't trademark it. Everybody should do it. Everybody should use their voice. That's what it's made for. That's what technology is made for. In any case, Clalis is the most amazing nation. We all know that whenever we come to a new place, whenever we open a new town, whenever there's nine Eden moving to Wyoming, within a few days, there's going to be a shul, maybe two shs. In any case, there's going to be a there's going to be a yeshiva right away. After that there is a so we take care of the spiritual needs of the food to have what we need right after that what opens up we have and to take care of the physical needs the physical body someone gets hurt we have come we have a whole there's not need and there's over We have we have we have whatever it needs. We always constantly set up new. Whenever we were in gulas, we were going from one country to the other. We're kicked out of one country went to the other. Kalis never fell in despair. We always started a new started fresh. We always had something new to do. There's one thing that we didn't have all the years and the last few years started focusing on another need besides taking care of the need of the spiritual and physical of the of Eden. There's a whole new awareness is the need for emotional hats. One of the things I I got slept into the last six seven years is that I volunteer for project kai from Kai lifeline. Project Kai from Kai lifeline web is familiar. I hope none of you are. It's for crisis intervention. If loyal line if something happens accident or something like that and we need to inform the parents about children or the other way around. We're the ones that are trained to talk to the family to let them know all these terrible things that should never happen. What is it? It's the emotional hatsa knows already for sure where I live. Whenever there's a a tragic accident or something, they right away call her lifeline as well. You don't just call someone to take care of the physical boo. You take care of people that were w standing by were witnessing the trauma. people on the kids on the side. We recently had a seven-year-old boy that was witnessing something very tragic. Instead of him going home having nightmares and turning into a nightmare right away, we were there. We send in some volunteers. We talked to the kid. We help him. We help him process. It shouldn't be so traumatic. And Matesh is able to move on in life at least to make his life better. We all know that we we have to operate and a mature adult has to operate through the mind through the whenever we make choices. I remember I was once in a in when I was a teenager. I was in yeshiva there in inhiv and I used to go to a very often have a cousin there Rabbi Mati B of my my family so I felt close. So I used to go very every every Sunday sometimes Fridays used to sneak out of yeshiva I used to go there and listen to the I remember once Rab Mati was talking to the whole class and he said whoever's an adult should raise the hand whoever's a child should raise the hand he said nobody raised the hand when he said they were a child why he said we are all adults sometimes when we make smart decisions and sometimes we make foolish decisions and we're a child you could call the godless theness. There are moments when we are in clarity. There are moments when the child in us is operating our our body. Sometimes the is that's what so what's the difference between a mature person and immature? A mature person is someone that's most of the time they're mature. Most of the time their decisions are based on cycle. But we all know we how many times we make conscious decisions very logical decisions. And we don't end up acting upon our own decision that we made. Let's say if someone decides to go on a diet, it's a very conscious decision. You know, you need to go on. You need to take care of yourself. And you decide, you know what, for the next six weeks and the next two months, this is what I'm going to do. I'm not going to eat this. We need that. The whole diet and very the first few days. So is here and then you keep yourself back and you you say then suddenly your brother-in-law is making you come to the and you're a good mood. Everybody's dressed good and musicish and then comes out this big smorggas board and it looks like you know today's days they designed the the party plan as a enticing and you go and you you love that keg you grab it and est and then the next day you wake up you're like I just I just I just cheated on myself. I cheated on my diet. I get look what happened and then again and then again what happens at that moment your emotions were operating your system not your cycle it is an avoid to live more and more in the cycle but we need to be realistic that we are emotional beings as well and we need to tend to it we need to be aware I once heard from someone I forgot his name except professor and he gave up some method. I don't know why it didn't catch on as much as I would think that it should should have he has a program. It's called think, feel, things done. TFTD, that's how he calls it. Think, feel, things done. What is it? He says like this says amushul. Let's say you come in, your desk is a mess. You come into your office, there's so many things you want to take care of. There's Yeah. Tomorrow you can take off this pile and that pile and the other pile. And every day you come in to work and it says, "Okay, I'll take care of it later. First you get you get to work and you never you come in every day and you make tomorrow I'm going to clean up. I'm going to make my office. I'm going to be misad. I'm going to buy new file folders. I'm going to I'm going to have throw that in the garbage and certain things put away storage. I'm going to be misad." And he tries so many times it doesn't work. So what he says, his method is like this. He says, "Come into the room, look at your desk and envision the desk. Close your eyes. Envision the desk being clean for a minute. Close your eyes and you see the desk clean. You walk into the office. Visualize you walking in and the office is clean. You open up your eyes and you see it's a mess. So do it again two times. Close your eyes. Envision it done. Feel it. get into the feeling how it feels when I walk into the house and the and it's spotless and it's clean and the office is m and your mom is enjoying it and then your friend comes in with you your eyes are closed still you walk in and you see ah you can bring in guests you can show people your office there's nothing to hide and you open up your eyes what do you see the messes do he says you don't need to do anything else within the next few days your hands are going to clean it up automatically why because your subconscious feelings felt it done and it your your feelings cannot stand walking into that room anymore as a mess. Try it out. It works. I once had a boy after I I I got into this method. A friend of mine, I don't deal with kids, but a friend of mine's son was very very overweight and the parents were very very worried for him, you know, he shouldn't get issues, health issues or whatever. They didn't want, you know, so they would they took a very different diets this way and that way and the other way. So I I told my friend, let me try this method with him. So I got this boy knows me very well and he's sitting there with his father Mishm and I tell him, okay, envision who's which boy in your class do you want to look like in a year from now? And he was envisioning I gave him like a whole kulam and he sees himself in a half year from now he comes pis his mother's buying him a brand new suit he fits into his mishmakad in the suit how he looks like in it and how he runs up the steps he doesn't have to breathe heavy and he Allah's a whole mish and he and I told him I want you to feel it he was breathing and was feeling it mama is feeling it he opened up his eyes and I told him do you want to go and die you want to get it done I did it with him twice eyes. A few months later, he was very skinny. It worked. Why is it? Because his feelings were muscim. When we undertake something, we need to understand that tak we have to do cyclic things. But we need to remember our emotions have to be masc. If the doctor tells someone next time you eat, someone loves sour pickles and he says, "Next time you eat a sour pickle, it's going to eat you up. You're going to have such pain and you're going to die from it. The person even is by in a good mood and everything is amazing, he's never his hands are never going to take that sour pickle. Why? Because his emotions are so worried, so scared that even when he's an emotional, his emotions are driving his body, his system, it's not going to let him do it. How many times do we see people that are it has to be balanced? How many times do we see a person deciding that they're going to go to the gym? God to the gym. If the reason is not strong enough, then you're going to lose the but if you felt how it feels, you vision yourself how it feels when it's done, your system is going to help you do it. It's just going to help you do it. You're just going to get it done. So basically our feelings are a very that that's what makes us human. That what that's what makes us very human is that we have an emotional system, a feeling system. this whole Shabas this month Shabas thisdullah everybody was in Gishmak music feelings is at the end of the day we have to face it that this is something that actually drives us many times more than our cycle so if they're in sync our emotions and cycle are in sync for something we're going to get it done if one of the two are not muskim you're not going to do it you always have to make sure that everybody both of your systems are are ready to do it the police the police uh when they when they arrest a shik a drunken guy, alcoholic goes walking down the street and he's drunk and they they know what to do with him. They're allowed to hit him. They take out the stick and they hit him. Stand up, get into the car. Why? Because the emotional system only the cycle sleeps. When we drink alcohol, the got but the subconscious, the emotional system still works. And the emotional system is very scared of pain. You give him a hurts him, he stands up, he listens to you. You could talk to him logically, his logic is not here. So if the emotional system is scared of something, you are going to end up doing it. Now what happens? Where does the emotional system get built up? How does it get built? A little child is born. Hashem gave for a little baby. The children little babies are taking from us. They sucking every piece of out of us. A whole night we're up. We're giving them We're giving them We're giving them What are we really giving them? Then I can't talk to them. They don't know what's going on. You're giving them emotional support. You're holding them, you're patting them, you're kissing them, you talk to them, you're singing to them as they get older. Their emotions are being filled up and being given a very healthy um it's filling up healthy their physical also. We're taking care of their food and making sure they have food and then we're taking care of the emotional system, their mental, everything. As we grow up, we go through the school, any school, any there's always going to be a few kids telling you things and who you know and and suddenly your emotional system gets hurt. You get hurt once, you get hurt twice, another kid, I'm not even talking about bullying, the world's most of the world, not enough became aware there's such a thing as bullying. You have to be careful. I uh work with Bkaram sometimes and uh this BA last week he came to me and he he told me that he's being bullied in yeshiva not he that there's a boy in yeshiva that that that that is has has some issue I guess he's in a wheelchair I'm not sure what he said but he's he has some and uh all the kids are making of him they're chappening him and this boy was telling me that mish hurts him I immediately called him anala told him this is bullying you have to make sure that nobody this kid could grow up to be I remember my class when I was a kid there was one kid in the class it was always he was funny it was I guess now we could look back and I could frame it and name it I know things make sense already but at that time I remember the whole class used oh the mach all kinds of names and by now I know where he is now he's he's out he's not he's not part of the normal culture the culture you know he's so we all we're aware of bullying but let's say not even that extreme if a kid wasn't nurtured their emotional system the way it should be, what happens is eventually it hurts them and it affects them. When a kid grows up and they were not violated, they had more or less a regular school system, more or less a regular home. You know, us parents are not always 100% of the time, 100% perfect. We're only 80% of the time 80% perfect and that is perfect. For perfectionists, I always say perfect is 80. 100% is OCD. It's too much. Yes, 80 is perfect. 80% of the time 80 it's 80% then you're perfect. That's that's that's good. So a regular child that grows up regular system, regular schools, regular friends, other so a person like that is emotionally quite quite stable. I always say when someone comes to my office and they sit down or anybody I see I see three people. I see the physical person sitting in front of me. I see the emotional person sitting in front of me. And then I see the the spiritual person sitting in front of me. And always check is it balanced. There's a person that could be a 30-year-old walking into my office sitting down as a 30-year-old. He could talk logically like a 30-year-old, but the minute he starts talking about emotions, how he feels about his wife or his kids and and his emotions start talking. I say that his emotional system is seven years old. Sometimes his emotional system is 90. Fine. But you could see the emotional system and the physical system is not always balanced. Most of the time is not exactly balanced. And then he sees the sha is is okay which which is not important for now. But different types of to understand what's important for this person. And then his mental system but we could see on a person when you talk to a few see if they're emotionally in a in a mature place. If the emotional system is in a mature place and the physical system is in a mature place. A 30-year-old and they decide a person like that decides to to to undertake something let's say to to go to the gym twice to wake up fat at every day morning six 6:00 and she and to do everything the way the way it decides it goes one week another week and then it rains and then it goes late what happens as I said before if your emotional system is muskim it's going to help you do it if not not the bashtov now it's mashab so I need to talk from bashtov the bashtov was 300 years ago about he was very very early in the world to be aware and to talk about the emotional system. Of course, it was a very logical school of thought with brilliant people. But they one of the things they were very aware is a person is made out of emotions and you need to if you want someone to be he can't just be technical and you can't just do what you got to do because you have to do if not you're going to go to if not you're going to go to and this whole system he said said it's not going to work. We need to make sure that people are in emotionally in a healthy place. They're going to end up doing the right things. they're going to be if not not you can give Mr. from today till tomorrow it's not going to penetrate. But if the people are going to be aware of their feelings, they're going to connect to their feelings. going to make sure that their emotional system is in a happy and stable placem and you could see throughout all the from theem they constantly talk about this aid there's a story the uh again the uh son was nif and his son one of his sons took over was the shin at that time when the son was lifted there was many different rebel became rebas there was a lot of rebish as long as that su was a rebu was like rash kebab at least in his neighborhood in in Poland in galitia and while he was nobody would proclaim to walk call how do you call yourself a reb you got to sit over together it's like you felt like you couldn't he was nifty all the became rebas opened up and every so the son said when the light the house when he turn off the All the rats come out. What did you mean to say? Only Tim Simpson is kapita. Nishkapita. We to we said nishkapita. So what what did he mean to say? He meant like this. In the olden days he had tents. He wasn't so sealed the homes like today. There were there were there were mice and rats. When he closed the lights he used to come out and eat up all the food. Avoid this which taught us he said keep open the lights the rats are never going to come out. There was and before the bashtov came and they used to tell people all the rats that they have in them. You have this this and this all your telling you you have to work on gava you have to work on tava you have to work on you have to work on this and that. We all have a lot of rats. We have an we have a lot of bad parts to us. But when we're in a good mood, have you ever heard someone talk about other people and gossip if they're happy and usually not when we're down when we're broken and you're not happy suddenly you realize this? If you see someone talk a lot of would go over to him and say no how could I help you miss a job was felt when a person is happy they feel satisfied they feel happy with themselves their emotional system is happy you don't you don't end up doing ais so the bashto said keep the lights on the whole time when the was on the light was on later came oh everybody's What happened? This was one of the avoidance that the bashtov wanted all of us to work on is that we need to be aware of our own emotional system that we need to be emotionally stable and happy and calm and only like that we could be annoyed and only like that we could be successful in in all our endeavors. But the moment a person becomes weary of themselves, insecure, you're out. There's a he said that he said the sahara does not want when tries to get you to do an aa he doesn't want your a he wants you your atas after the aa. He want he wants you to be broken afterwards and say look at myself. Ah I fell through again. I'm such a what's with me and you get broken you get you go into that's the moment you start doing even more so what was the method of theem you did a say forget about it and move on immediately don't sit in it the why have I mentioned Friday night the brings that when I says you have to chishk you have to look back and you have to do the same he said it doesn't apply anymore says you need to just move on because as long as you're thinking of that you did it's still in your head and when it's there you're broken you're hurt and you're upset at yourself and your emotional system is is fractured you're going to end up doing a you're going to end up being bitter. So the means to be aware of our emotional system should always be in tune and that's why when you dav you look at the words the the articulation in the food it was always ding should be with a fire with a burn with a everything should be your d should shake this whole shake by start original it was always to do something just d like And even when you eat your shab, even when you eat something, whatever you do, if you do everything with the you can end up doing everything right. So this is the idea that if we want to be successful in life or if we want our children and people around us to be successful is constantly we have to be in tune in the feelings. So now if someone misbehaves when we behave a certain ways because we feel that way right we know that if you feel hurt if you feel broken if you feel scared you behave that way right let's say you walk into Walmart and you go shopping and suddenly here bang and you look up and you see a little smoke by the corner what happens in your brain you just made a decision danger. So what happens? You feel danger. You feel it's a dangerous place. What happens afterwards? How do you behave? You run. You run out of the store, right? It's all happened in a second. But what happens is your behavior is an outcome of your feeling. You had a feeling that it's danger. Again, there's two types of people. Fight or flight. The fight people are going to run and try to see what it is. Maybe we can help. And the other people are going to run out. But there's going to be an action according to your feelings. So when someone does something, it's a reaction to their feeling. In the olden days when I was a rabbi Russell's son-in-law was talking about when he was he triggered me I was very very hyper kid was never a bad kid but I was hyper very hyper kid I was labic how much up to my life for that any case what was the idea what what what was the idea in the olden days in the olden days in the olden days every 10 years is like a a century. So when someone misbehaved we reacted with their behavior. We reacted to their behavior. Nowadays we should at least focus on their feelings. If they feel us so if they behave a certain way don't react to their behavior because then you also not behaving. You also did something wrong. You patched him. He also did something wrong. What are you teaching him? So then when his sister doesn't behave, he patches her. You ever seen that in certain houses where nobody patches the kids don't patch the parents slap, the kids slap the other kids. You're teaching them. So this is reaction. You react to an action with an action. But the real way is to react to an action by changing their emotion, their feeling. I remember my little daughter once came home from school and she was chapening this one and that with the little kid and my wife I came home from work and my wife telling me I don't I don't know what's today she's she's hurting all the kids I spoke to her I punished I spoke to her so I I right away I sat down on the dining room on the couch I said I started asking how was the school today I gave her 15 minutes of attention I didn't mention to her a word about her behavior I was interested in her I was listening to her this and this girl, that girl, this girl, she walked off my lap. She was in the best mood for 3 hours after till she went to sleep. What happened? She behaved that. Does she do it every day? No. If they do it every day, that also means that they're very hurt. That's a red flag. When a kid doesn't behave, it's a red flag. You don't react to their actions. You don't get angry on their actions. You have to get sympathy on their feelings. And if you're a Bal Madrega, you could even do it for another that's misbehaving. Even it's not your child. Not so nervous today. You look so good today. I missed you yesterday. Where were you? Sunday. But at least to ourselves, we need to realize that some if we behave a certain way, we're nervous. Why am I nervous? What happened? Oh, I heard something before. Okay. We change our feelings, our behavior changes. This is an awareness. This is something that we need to check. I was talking to to Malam and Kaidi and they were talking about difficult children how to deal with different different issues and I I was talking about this concept. Every single Malam, you wouldn't believe it. The next two weeks were calling me and text me. I have a whole new class. I'm a Muhammad for 10 years already. I don't know. I ch everything changed. He doesn't have to scream. It doesn't have to raise his voice. If someone misbehaves is because they feel threatened, they feel unimportant, they feel violated, they feel whatever it is, change their feelings. How do you change their feelings? By talking to them, giving them attention, showing them important, that they're important. The moment you change their feelings, the behavior is going to change. We are dealing with KIPS. For those of you who don't know what KIP is, the world calls it OTD. And there a kip is really in pain. Why? Not all the time we'll be able to know. But regardless what it is, if someone behaves different than they were born and raised, different than their family, different than everything else, there is something bothering them in their emotional system. We have to be Einstein sometimes to figure out what it is. But what is in this kid? I'm giving them all the love in the world and five years already and I'm still doing hard to know. But their behavior is not who they are. Their behavior is not what they're trying to do. They're not trying to misbehave. Nobody ever said today I'm misbehaving. I'm going to kick every boy in. I'm going to pull his pious. I'm going to I'm going to do whatever. Nobody ever makes that decision. If a boy walks into class and he sees talk a secret and showing at his face in his brain he just decided they were laughing at him making fun of him. So what does he feel? Feels like insignificant like a whatever it is the feelings that whatever word is going to provoke in his system and he's going to start behaving that way. If he is the the person that by nature usually caves in he's going to get quiet mute or turn red be angry the whole day and not going to talk. If he's the aggressive type, he's going to fight with everybody. But either way, whatever system this person has, this boy has, it's still going to come out of an emotion that he had. But if we tell our child to say I'm in it, he comes over to you and he says, you know, the manal calls and it says your child misbehaved one day and another day and two days and you say, sadik, what happened? Or girlis, what happened? Gon, right? That's the first answer. Gonba said that something is bothering you. You don't repeat what the rebba told you that he was misbehaving and he was hurting and say the rebba said that something's bothering you. What's bothering you? Do you feel do you feel that you're a second class citizen in the class? Do you feel like you're not part of it? This is someone chapening you, someone bullying you. Do you feel that you you don't know the you don't know the medium? You're not you're not you don't know what's going on. what what as soon as they are able to say it hopefully or even if they see that we're interested to knowing how they feel sometimes that alone is good enough they're going to end up changing their behavior. So what happens if someone's emotional system was really hurt was violated by a perpetrator or just life you know different things sometimes happens to people then it's not just good enough to have a schmoo with them and try to put them into a good mood our kips the kids in pain their wound is sometimes so deep that they can't even tap into it like the regular kid the regular kid everybody's regular everybody's is irregular. Everybody's regular. But we talk about just for conversation purpose. A regular kid, you put him into a good mood. Like I said before, you talk to your child, you put him into there's something deep inside their system that's mish mish hurt. And sometimes just by talking to them and we're trying to be rational and giving them love. There's something missing. How do we heal that? How do we do that? I feel that sometimes it turns into an addiction. Let me explain. An addiction is something that brings dopamine into the brain sometimes with different stuff and makes you want to repeat it because it's some kind of runaway or gateway a pleasure that you're trying to seek. You run away from something and you want to find the pleasure over there. If it's alcohol or drugs or something else in the to language, it's called means something that you're used to doing. You do it again and again. you become it becomes second nature if you do something repetitive it's going to end up becoming part of you so all the say if you're a stingy person and you have a lot of money you want to give sudoka give a penny a day and then tomorrow give two pennies and next day give three pennies and then a dollar for sudoka your your body gets used to doing something then it's able to help you're able to become about seduka sometimes we get addicted to our pain. This is what happened probably the first 30, 40, 50 years after the Holocaust. Kalis was going through so much pain as a nation, as a unit. We got addicted to it. We got in Sevent like I see when the uh sometimes people moved to new neighborhoods like a Muny and different places. We could we could expand and expand and some people need to build the the ghettos again. It's like it's in our DNA. It's in our city. We got used to it. Miss Von Gaga the city if you don't have a choice for we have to we get used to it even in a different place where there's so much place they always there's something in us we got used to it some people have a fear of success they were told they can never be successful and one hand they want to be they make up a go they're going to do this and that there's something in them that's always going to do something wrong and you're not going to be mik that's what happened look if not for that I would have made There's something in people sometimes that we don't want to be psychic. We want to be our emotional system does not want to be does not want to succeed. Why? We got addicted and we know how to live over there. Some people are very comfortable being in a even world they they they they're used to living in a very low neighborhood. You come to them, you talk to them, I can make you rich, I can bring you, they'll be excited for a few moments, but their system is going to make them do wrong. They're going to lose their job again or lose their job again. They something in their subconscious is going to make them do it wrong again because they know how to live in the hood. That's the way they call it. They know how to live over there. They don't He doesn't know how to operate between rich people. He doesn't know how to operate between successful people. So, every person in the world has a certain circle around them which where they feel comfortable over there. They would never go between people that are greater more successful. They're going to always surround themselves with the same people more or less in their in their circles because over there they know how to operate. They know the lang the lingo. They know this the other it's comfortable. So some people want to be successful and move up the ladder but their subconscious has a fear of it. Why? Because they got used to it. our children and many of us probably most of us have it somewhere where we don't we want to be mat we want to we want to do things we want to we have a fear of being skinny we have a fear of joining the gym we have a fear of of really being successful and moving up the ladder going into between whole new circles of people and and and and a if someone was violated in the most horrible way things that we spoke about throughout Chabas. It was all kinds of abuses and different types of stuff. We need to send them for therapy for trauma and everything. But there's something in there sometimes that they they got used to it. Some people like to be a neb. You ask them, they say, "No, I don't want to be. I want to get out of this." a lot of people that come. There was a that came from to America and uh and he came one year every child he marries off 5 cents 10 cents a dollar he's here for two months away from his family finally say $10,000 and he goes back and he's so there was this he told the fifth time he still have another six kids I have a brother-in-law in he owns a nursing over there and he's looking for someone to be a manager. You going to make pani, you don't you don't need to know any have some very high credentials. You can you could you could do it. You could he got all excited. True story. He got all excited. He said, "Okay, fine. He hooked him up. He went back. He could have seen him and he forgot about him. Few years later was got food. I I what with that job this and that." This person told me said some people are so used to his three generations doing it already. They got so used it's been people label themselves. They get addicted to that label because it's because they're used to it and because it's hard for them to go out of it and that's that's the way they live. So what's the method? The bashtov says when you see a rush, he didn't like the word rouch ever, but when you see a person that does everything wrong, you call him sadic. Why? You're helping him change his label. People have labels in their brain on themselves. I'm a I'm a $200,000 type of a guy. I can make $200,000 a year. That that's who I am. I'm not the type of guy that can make $500,000 a year. So who I once heard from uh someone that talks to sales people I forgot his name he says encyclopedia of uh of sales and he says if there someone goes into sales let's say you want to sell a product you want to sell an item and you sell Judeica so you're going to store you make I'm going to sell enough products I'm going to make $30,000 a month on on sales he goes out he goes from one food store to the other and he shows the products and he wants to sell them and the moment he made $30,000 in sales, even if it's only the third week in the month, his subconscious is not going to let him. He's still going to go to stores and try to sell the product, but he's not gonna have the right words. It's not gonna he's not going to make more sales. But if he ups his self-concept and he says, "I am a $50,000 salesperson by $50,000. I need to make more." Again, we can't raise the bar too much because then we fall and we give up. So, we constantly have to raise the bar a little bit. So if that's what on ourselves but the bashanto says if you want to raise someone else's bar you want seven I'm a type of guy I'm not shabas but I am the you know every person has their dimensions someone told me only has a selfish but he doesn't smoke and the other only drives with the when his friend drives in the car and every it's alik but everybody has their own concept I'm a type guy have one one hour every day is my she every one guy like I'm not on just in the morning and at night the she during the day have another sh Everybody's a self-concept of of how much roughness they should do and how much gashm and how much they're they're they're going to do. But if someone's self-concept is so low, their self-concept is that they need to belong between the lowest friends to do self harm to surround themselves with other kids that are doing the most silly things. They all know that it's silly. We don't need to tell them. As I said on Friday, my we never need to tell our kids what they're doing wrong. They know if something is driving them to go between because that's their label. They have a label in their subconscious that I am, my concept, my self-concept, my circle where I belong is between these low lives, between these losers. What do you do? You change the label. You call them. You know you are someone said one of the speakers he said from one of the I don't know who that the last generation that someone came to him and he said rebba I think was the bash speaker if I remember he said my son started smoking he's going he's crying so the rebba says bring him to me I don't know if want to come bring him to me he came and the Tell me you don't want to talk to me. He says, "What do you mean Shabas?" He says, "I smoke Shabas." He says, "Really? How many cigarettes do you smoke?" On average, 10 cigarettes a day. Okay. How long does it take you to smoke a cigarette? Three minutes. Oh, so only a half an hour in total of every Shabas. Shabas the other 23 and a half hours you keeping shabas you know of you are it's not all or nothing but lamas he gave him a concept this boy went home and he started thinking I'm going to smoke only five cigarettes next shabas and I'm going to be keeping shabas 23 hours and 45 minutes and whoever said the master over there said the death man kinder beautiful family. How did it happen? Where did it come from? It all came from that little meas from the bashtov and his and his teachings where they brought awareness of feelings how important a person feels is how it's going to impact on their hashem and he told them focus on the fact that he kept shabas 23 hours divis how easy is it to say these how easy is it to say and sometimes we didn't have to say they feel it if we don't even think that way they're not going to feel it The problem is that sometimes you're so scared to tell someone you're good because you feel that oh they're not going to want to go better. It's not true. We are pleasure seeking beings. It's always pulling for more pleasure. We always want more and more. We don't need to be scared if we're going to tell our kids ah you know even I'm not talking about the kips even before that why we're scared to say it because we're going to think oh it's not true if you have $10 you want to make 20 goes on any successful you don't have to be scared the mallay Mitsimmon they're full of mits is like a like a like a pomegranate pomegranate is full of healthy seeds full of self of his essence of the seeds of the the pomegranate is the whole thing tells us because this is the way we should talk to them and usually our kids all these kids are usually usually not all the time a very big they love doing a person needs to feel somewhere good they they take the their friend as flat tire. They're going to go in the middle of the night and they're going to help each other. This is amazing. The friendships, the the the between Let's elaborate on that one. This is something that's going to speed up their process if we help them and we tell them you are amazing. You think we need to tell them you put on a tattoo? He doesn't know. She doesn't know. We need to tell them that that you look like Peter Roof that you decided to to to spray paint your hair green and blue. Literally saw a boy like that last week. What is that boy saying? What is that boy saying? What is he telling us? What is he telling his parents? Despite rebellion, hate most of the time not. He really his self-concept is that he belongs between the hippies. He walks down Soho in Manhattan. He feels at home over there. You don't need any over there. You don't need to have language. You don't need to have nothing. No credentials. You fit in. All you need to know is, "Hey, what's up?" And that's it. And I feel it's so easy to be in that circle. And our circle is very complicated. You need to know things. You forgot that it's everybody. There's so many details you need to know. And the second you're not in, you you lost the hole. It's hard for them sometimes. Certain kids went through the system, the Kaida system, great system, but they didn't catch on to things. So, they always feel I'm going to always going be a failure because to be and there's so much things that need to work in our community, in the community, it's probably in the alo. We all have this garb. It has to be white. It has to be black. And I don't know if you know, my mother's a regular American lady. And I remember when I was bit mitzvah, we went shopping and then she got me a a sweater and it had like a thin red line, very thin tim. And I put it on with I came to I went to I was so chet I threw that sweater out. I never wore it again. You know, like they say like a Viva comes to the community, everybody's going to know in a second. He could be 20 years, but he's not going to know that the pie is this short that a Bieber head doesn't work. But if it's a little a quarter of an inch, then you fit in. And if it's there's so many nuances and on the levish and and if you have a a taste you're type of guy that wants to look good you want to look fit you want to take care of you have that you have that nature you have nature you ostracize you're out you have no way I don't know gold is already good now I think now it's plastic the issue there's I had I had a couple that came to me second marriage and and one of the kids are from one from one culture I'm not going to say names oneish culture the other and she has and he has his go to yeshiva where you're not allowed to wear plastic because the plastic is more and his kids the are only allowed to wear plastic because gold and silver glasses is misun so says no it was a serious issue because and they discussed it was the kids are like the shy so I remember when I was a When I was mitzvah, I I went to SK Hydra Park. My father's not scared, but we went it was the considered neutral at that time. I don't know if you know there's this cuffs on the pants in the bottom. At that time cuffs was the most modern thing when I was so there's a few that wanted they wanted to be a little more chic a little or from that even knowing two years later cuffs was the most thing for for years for many years we miss cuffs but it can't be the thin one. The thin one is the cool guy. It had to be like an inch 3/4 of an inch the you had you had no you had no chance of survival in this in this jungle of yeshiva you were out you were you didn't fit in imagine this is just a lish and a learning if everybody needs to be if you're not on par everybody needs to know this and you're not pink there's so much that they need to fit in it's so much easier for them to lower the level I have a lower self self-concept between the the gishma over there. It's easy. All you need to do is be friendly and talk the lingo and uh say can and I know all the names. I'm with the boys that show you're good. You don't need more. Can we make it less complicated? Can we make it less complicated to fit in to our house, our home, the way it's supposed to look at Shabba's table? How many kids have they they don't want to sit for an hour and a half or two hours or three hours of Shabas meal? They're not interested in hearing the tata dash the whole time. They don't like the songs change it. How many times I sit I ask my kid hype you call if you want you sing it. You start I translate most of this meas I had a mission just a half year ago. Every every shabas I took one piece of this meas I translated I sang it in Yiddish. I can speak English translated have no idea what they're saying to 30y olds 40y olds we got to shield 90% of the davin would don't know the touch of food so someone doesn't want to do it he's considered the problem why is he considered the problem he doesn't want to just say abracadabra it's not it's not going to work so you make it interesting you make the shabas meal interesting you ask them sing updated songs I know for the older generation the new songs is shy generations mish forget about the nine Hashem likes only certain tunes. The other tunes he's out like like certain colors he doesn't like. He's he's very uh Hashem is color blind. He doesn't like certain colors, certain tones. Because the moment he says to Guess what? If this inspires them, let it be. How many of us, me and older, I'm I'm 40 something and the the 50-year-old 70-y old when we had parents that were children of Holocaust survivors or themselves Holocaust survivors, they still had a certain pain. And sometimes are not so v not so it has a lot of sadness in it. I never until I was I'm with these boys and they say and sad. So they explained with different songs that right some says at least one of the sadik it's errands it's v but it's not sad it's hopey it's singing and but many songs are very sad and today's generation the kids can't stand it they get they get from a rap I once to someone said maybe had rap Rap is not repeating one pig a thousand times iron you repeat I know I know right and you take sometimes every every every m every piece was was a was a niggan so was going it wasn't repeating was so it was probably rap I don't know and they all and they knocked over there on that little jam bus and that's how worked who decide if this opens up the right emotion in the person let it be you decide it's a va music shag Why do you know what? Let's see what it does to the person. How many times you see this? I I make this the sit over there and they sing these songs. I don't know where it came from. I don't want to know. And they're all in. They're And I think I'm amazing. To me, it's like, "Oh, get me out of here." But it's okay. I like new songs, but some the songs that they sing is sometimes already. For me, it's too far. It depends where it brings them. So if they are able to connect this is what talks to them. So we need to make our we need to think about our children and the next generation. They need to have a it should be easier to zed to be part of the culture. It has to it doesn't have to be so cookie cutter. You ever been to a cookie cutter machine this conveyor belt and this every piece that goes through it the star cookies. Million star cookies. Wow. Some people want to be individual. They want to be laso. Let it be a little brighter. Some kids need different types of language, different kinds of clothes and everybody wants a long some like this our conveyor belt needs to be wider. It can't be completely wider. It has to be wider. Our kips sometimes if we tell them and we raise their self-concept, it's going to change their life. Mamesh going to change their life and it's going to bring them to a place because we're changing their feelings. We're changing their self-concept and we believe in them and automatically they believe in themselves and suddenly they're going to start want to surround themselves between other people. They're going to want to be between better people, higher class people, higher class people in and for ourselves. We can do it ourselves the same thing. We should constantly strive to be more personable. He told me makes $200,000 a year every year. Beautiful. I was thinking maybe you can make $250,000 a Who who who stopped it over there was what what's where if you would need to another $50,000 a year you would you would take another job you would do something you would speak up to your boss you try to get a raise sometimes it's and it's in every way so some people are comfortable I am 40 pounds overweight that that's why I am forever they decided no today I'm going back I'm going to be where does that come because we get comfortable we get used to it and this is what we do and this is our self-concept this are so if you want to change someone else ourselves and our is by changing their label and upping their self-concept. They should look at themselves as a as a best. Any questions? That's the visualization process that you were describing earlier to imagine it. Oh yeah, I knew people were going to catch on that one. Yeah. How long is it? How many minutes? Like is there a process or had how long to do it or Yeah. I just No, it's not a meditation. It's just the idea is to get to a place where you feel it done. Feel it done. Your system is going to want to go back to that feeling. Our feeling always wants to go back to a good place where it was. So even our cycle knows what is right. We know that. We know where we want to get to. We know what we want to do. We know what we want to accomplish. But our emotions have to feel it done. It's going to help you get there as long as it takes. Sometimes you need to do it two times or three times. You do it. Everybody should do it. Do it to yourself. One thing that you wanted to do, that one closet, that one drawer you wanted to clean out and you're going to get to it. The attic, that one box in the the garage that you wanted to empty out. I don't know how long or you want to do something. Just stand in the garage. Look at that box. I'm talking like a month here. Not everybody has a garage. I grew up in Burbank. I know it's a luxury garage. We grew up in a in an apartment with two bedrooms. I mean three bedrooms size my parents. We had two bunk beds in a room and we're living in a in a house with my kids are complaining. I have to sleep. But this one we have 25 bedrooms. I need more. Kids say so you take one box take one thing one mission that you want to do so many times. Visualize it done and then feel it done. The key is to feel it. Feel how it feels when you're going to walk around and you're going to whatever it is. You're going to walk to the garage and the box is not here anymore or or whatever is what you want to do. Em must feel it. Open up your eyes. See it now. Done. Close your eyes. Do it again. You're going to be so surprised how powerful this tool is. Unbelievable. Telling you the again, huh? What's the acronym again? TFTD. Think, feel, things done. Think, feel, things done. Feel it done. That's basically that's the uh the method. I don't know. I didn't see too many classmates other. Yeah. Start calling them names. People live up to their names to himself. You're a smart boy. Say you're a smart boy. You're a smart boy. Every time you do it again at this point, he he starts acting smart. Using the siblings to reinforce this. Oh, to use the Yeah, you have to make a I guess you have to have a family meeting for that. You have a kid that his perception of others is Oh, true. He does one issue. He perceives class a certain way. Yeah. And also because it's difficult. As we said before, it's very difficult to be in a class. something that his nature or his his what he's used to doing doesn't fit into that class. So he feels like a failure between those boys. Whatever it is, if it's if it's the amount of learning, if it's too too long, today's days you still have in 2022, you have book that go to yeshiva, they have to sit two and a half hours a year. Someone should do it to me. I'm going to I'm going to explode. I I can't do that. I can't sit on a wooden bench for two every single day in the morning and then every single day in the afternoon. Some kids push it through. They pull through the yeshiva times and some kids it's they can't anymore. We have to send them sometimes if it doesn't work out you send him to another yeshiva which even though the academically it's it's less and other things less but at least over there he'll be successful he'll be considered a good boy rather than being the not such good boy in the class always put your kids one one class down then class up always I do with my kids I have three boys that are born in other so you can put them one class up or down I always put them one down rather let them be the the smarter kid in the class and he should label himself as a good kid than then being the the youngest in the class. Being the youngest is is is is a very is a big problem and not going to have stimulus to grow better. Everybody has a stimulus to go better. We're never worried. That's we said before the bash said we don't need to worry for that. Everybody wants to be better or you don't believe it or you have a kid just getting compliments. A kid doesn't enjoy getting doesn't enjoy hearing compliments. Wow. Oh, that means he needs it so much. The kid that doesn't let you hug them, that's the kid that needs it every single day, 25 times. The kid sort of scrges and he just doesn't enjoy getting a compliment. He kind of feels it. Okay, that means he needs it. But I'll tell you, I'll give you an iter. What you should do is you should do compliments with a question. By the way, compliment with a question. Man, I'm talking to you. You compliment the other side. Compliment your wife always with a question. How did you do that? It's amazing. Not the cake is delicious. How did you do that? And she'll start explaining to you what you did. Your kid comes home from school and they made an arts and crafts and you say, "Wow, it's beautiful, Zette." But if you compliment with a question, they have time to explain and they say, "You know what I did? I was thinking of this color and I could have put this glue and that and I built it and I'm how to explain it." That's a compliment. It's not only compliment. That's something that's actually building them. So, a kid that doesn't want to take compliments, ask more questions that they're going to have to compliment themselves. Any other questions? Yeah. Go ahead. Doesn't like doesn't like to hear. No, don't say it. You don't need to say it. You don't need to say it. A kip that says it is coming from two places or because they need it even more like we said to him or they don't believe that you mean it. But if they believe you and you really mean it, say it again. That's the only way you're allowed to violate your kid against their will. Give them a compliment. Tell them how special they are. And again with questions. Ask them a question. It's amazing if you're speeding. How do you know how to do that? How did Always ask a question is the best compliment that's solid. That's real. And don't walk away when they start explaining. Just sit there and listen. Yeah. Done. Thank you.