Rabbi Shloime Ehrlich "Crisis Chinuch" Attachment Based Parenting, Explained

[Music] I usually try I try not to be emotional in public and definitely not on camera but a shabas like this you have to be very uh you have to be a robot not to have feelings or to I've been to I had this to being about by 15 shabus like thisi and other shab say last year and now I think it's just about 15 shabus I must say someone asked me before how do I feel about this shabas I think that the specialty about this particular shabas this year over here in Manchester was the vulnerability from the parents the being open wanting to listen tell us they reached out to the runam and to the therapist the speakers with the ofen hearts in gunon completely like tell us what we need to do we are here in gunon we are we want to he vulnerable we're sharing our story I know it takes a lot of Kus to want to come to shabas like this it's not easy to to come out in the public a lot of us our children are not so public yet what they're doing the streets it's a little more hidden so why come out and everybody should see it's one of the greatest beaches as we D every morning we say ly D is sorry l l we ask he should not give us any how in the world can we D for that that we know the is that hasem brought us in this world to give us his hardships It Started from the first of that's where it started and it continued with constantly this is what makes this is what refines us this is what makes us grow this is what makes us of said is yes you give us the is fine but don't give us such a the type of that's also a B and it's a bisha a shame shaming me my family my loved ones with don't give me an ass sign that everybody's going to have to see what's going on a lot of us are going through different Nas a lot of us going through different but not everybody has to know you don't have to wash your laundry in the street not every to know and a s like this is very very painful as we all know and we have to come out and face the world and we understand that a lot of people could be judging he said he want share the story he said it was by a he had a talet with this talid was a A1 student Mish the best Booker that he's had in many many years the learning was once by and someone came over to him and he told him you see this ye is your best book father this is the father of this boy that you always rant about this is the boy that the father he went over to him I just want to give you regards your son ah tell me what did you do to have such a child I tell me the the formula tell me the ingredients tell me the what kind of did he do I want to share it with all the parents everybody wants to have a child like this that he takes out a picture a photo a picture from his pocket and he shows it to thei mat looks at the picture and he says what are you showing me it was a picture of a guy with a long ponytail tattoos with nose rings and he says why are you showing me he says this is my other son they both grew up in the same home they both grew up in the same place Thea I didn't I don't take credit over here I don't take blame over here I have to do Myles I need to do my job but really the outcome is after we all know when someone asked one child look at another child look at this one look at that one I must say I'm not moving here so fast but beautiful I remember last year I went to speak to a few different moers I saw the such sh and do and from the we all have different and now we have a shared so it's evident that there nothing to do with the outcome we have to do our you got to do you got to do you don't have to accomplishing the is up to we just have to do our so this brings us to talk about a little bit about unconditional parenting of what is the Mahal of unconditional parenting what do we do over here what's our goal what's our mission for this group for our group that's here now and for the future to save what is the idea behind unconditional parenting it's in the word it's in the name but what does it mean we all know that a person would go jump at the fire to save the child we've seen it so many times throughout history went through programs mothers jumped into fires and fathers to save the child what would we not do to save our kid to save our child I remember when I was a teenager of there was the bus bombs that years in those years 1995 those years there was bus bombs unfortunately for few months and I remember there was a story there was a a mother she knew her babies inside she jumped in and she died together we'll do everything in the world so what happens to all of us including myself guilty in the beginning when I started with my ass sign what happens to us when we have a child that gives us an ass sign which is a that we forget how much we love them by the previous Shas someone asked me how could I love my child more I said you cannot love your child more than you love them can you I had a boy I have a was called I'm working with them for many many years there was a boy from Ultra Ultra home and he went in his own way and he started wearing jeans and and his father kicked him out of the house he didn't know about unconditional parenting he didn't know about and he was very this boy came to me was crying where is where's my father what's going to be this book worked in construction building houses one day few months later I was in marar him used to come to us shab Thursday nights I used to make aab for the boys in my sh and we made so one one day I get a phone call waslick something terrible happened this boy was working in a construction site and he was sewing sawing cutting wood with a chainsaw and he cut off his hand 99% it was hanging on a piece of skin helicopter came he was metac taken to the hospital surgeries and surgeries and surgeries few weeks later he calls me up he said I want to come I want to see I want to come to you I said happy tell you're alive he walks into our house with a body cast like from all the way covered in white like holding his hand and I hug him with him and I tell him how you feeling he says I just came came to tell you one thing I need to go back home I need to be in bed most of the day I went through seven surgeries I woke up after 3: or 4 I woke up in the hospital I found myself my father was standing near me in the hospital 24/7 making phone calls getting me private doctors to do private surgeries I couldn't believe that my father was so Mo andish he didn't go home to sleep he was there with me for weeks it paid for me to cut off my hand to know how much my father loves me I'm shivering when I'm saying it I remember it you like like in my face this is something that's not to take likely we will do everything for our kids so what Shain what happened that we even doubt of of expelling them from the house or trying to what's happening what happened to us this is our signature this is our DNA this is something something that we we we preach it we live it it's it's in us what happened I think that deep deep deep down because we're not educated yet how to deal with them We Believe by being strict with them and telling them what to do and telling them I'm not buying you this if you're doing that I'm going to throw you out of the house you're not going to be part of it this is going to bring them back it comes from Run's place but from a very Twisted Ra's place from uneducated place but imagine if a son or a daughter could walk around and feel that just because I dress differently or I'm not keeping shabas or whatever Tas and all these thisis that they're going through the hardships they could even doubt for one second that maybe my father my mother does not love me and because they have that misconception we are here to train ourselves all of us how to remind them how much we love them we do not have to work on loving our kids anymore we have it it's in us we love our kids I remember I told my daughter the first time she walked out with a miniskirt I went shopping with her in the big famous stores and a lot of people know me and I'm a that and I'm walking around with my daughter like officially first time in the street you know theisha ah most of you know how that feels you could you could unbearable unbearable that's S I didn't say a word I was telling myself schi Practice What You Preach I was preaching many years before I had my own sign I had experience I was working with this I work in yiva now I have my own school I came into the car she says tati right you were very very embarrassed you're so embarrassed with me I told her I said there's I grabbed her like my should I said there's nothing in the world that you could do that would take away my love for you there's nothing in the world you could do you could embarrass me you could walk around with yellow hair with orange shoes you could burn down my house I could be in pain I could be hurt my love for you is not possible butas to cut off meist I worked with a boy 20 years ago 25 years ago when I was when 8 was young I I I worked in a in a shop I remember my first job and there was a a that worked with me he was he came from a very a very his father's a and he was he was a as we called him a kip a kid pain so I was talking to him and at that time he was already more came to DAV a little bit whatever he's still dressed very very different than his family but so said what what turned you back what was the moment what was the that that that made you start he takes out his driver's license and he shows me a picture of how he looked like just two years ago with huge hair like those years was like the style like the huge hair and no y no couple he says this is me two years ago I said what did it this B told me he has a zider that lives in New square one of the new Square this is ultra Ultra as you could get if any one of you ever been there and Za calls him up and he says come to me for shabas where you being for shabas come to me shabas said you sure I don't keep shabas I said I know but I keep me shabas he drives down this boy tells me he drives down to new Square he comes in there with a red convertible car without a roof and the muffler is making that noises and the loudest music and he parks in front of his zaida's house and Z comes out and H comes to sh man and the Z goes to D in and he says how about you come with me to sh I should come with you sh I don't D I don't need to D just come with me you have ever seen such a big sh there thousands of people come he says I went with my za with torn jeans with my big hair and I come to and he says ma holds me around like this and goes over to everybody this is my this is my grandchild that's what he was doing this sing man tells me you think I don't know what bees my head is a person that from a Zid I know very well that zaida I happen to know I had a a dentist that I was that I was when I was 13 years old that I had root can I was by him for a few weeks he was uh e and i t to stay by they e this he would make like AIC he told me that Sunday he switched something happened to him he knew the bees that his grandfather and he saw that his Zid gave away his whole image his whole C his whole Prestige everything from me because he wanted to be me marar and that's when I started changing my life that's when I realized that I am so lovable and so admired and so important and therefore I'm able to to Z our children don't think for one second that we don't have vishas when we're nice to them don't worry you don't need to tell them they know it I have a school for these girls 9 10 months ago I keep on saying nine months I don't know we were up to already and my daughter she was going through her own journey and we didn't have a school for long when and the school closed down so kids I didn't have a choice I decided I'm opening up a school for her and that's what we did me and my wife and my wife typed up a nice uh email and and we sent it out day one the first 24 hours you had over a 100 inquiries within a few weeks we had 250 inquiries for for people NE that that don't have where to send their daughters and it was very clear what the school is about this High School since then we have we have 20 girls now some are recycling some are going some are coming and I smooth with the girls I go there once a day one of the things that I'm doing you can't these are girls are not into learning much you can imagine so I decided with very few Tunas in this in this school M minimum and M Mish minimum Tas is not part of it and one of the things that we need all the girls to join it's called The Thinking classa class but we reframed it the thinking class one hour a day the girls come they usually sit around the couches they're not going to sit by tables and or it's me or someone else we give them a thinking class we talk about and different s of Life whatever they want they ask me questions sometimes it gets very heated they bring up what kicked them out of school one girl was kicked out of school embarrassed in front of school she had like a a star on a sneakers wasn't according to from the school and the principal screamed she said you never went school to ever since and I'm listening to all this pain kids were doing a little bit like therapy and everybody's sharing their stuff one day I was about to give a you know I talk about relationships I talk about trust I talk about different different concepts but I always start I say girls Whoever has a question could bring it could raise a question if it's something that I feel everybody's going to gain so one girl ask a question and she said I have a question why does Hashem care if I have a nap a tissue in my pocket on shabas without a Arif do you really think Hashem cares about things like that he created the Sun the Stars the moon does he really care about that tissue tissue in my pocket does he really care about that is Hashem so nitty-gritty is that is that that's what he's into I said that's so awesome of a question I asked around the girls what is your question your question different thing it went into shabas I shared with them that just a few weeks before I went my wife we have in our neighborhood there's a nice park and there's hikes you're able to go on Hikes over there and there's a huge sign in the entrance of the park and as I'm reading that sign and I said ah and I made my you know I do my 30 seconds I made a video out of it it says the rules of the park no smoking no dogs no alcohol no trash no no no I don't know like 30 Nos and I was sharing with the girls I said can you imagine we came to the park to enjoy there's so many restrictions and I said yeah so I said you got you girls want to read the restrictions I showed them a picture they're reading the restrictions of this park and I said what do you mean these are all the think that if they would allow it nobody would be able to enjoy to be man in the park I said that's what the rules of shabas are all about shabas is not about what you're not allowed to do all the things that we're not allowed to do shabas is being going to take away from what chabas is made for because wants us to rest he wants us to enjoy to have man everything that we should not do shabas is to take us away away from that so you could get into a moment and say okay but this tissue so I said what a heavy thing a lighter thing you know so driving you know we went through the whole I'm not going to get to go to sh thing but I guarantee you the girls after that smoo was unbelievable I got some text from parents I don't know what you said I don't know what you did but the girls are starting to look at shabas a little different questions questions the S would do it what do we do so people ask I'm going to send my daughter to the place and then you know you don't have any rules we have we have Mom minimum minimum I don't want to point it out the details so we just had a girl that left our school two weeks ago she sent me my wife you okay I'm reading it she sent me my wife a text message and I want to read it to you you should understand the Mahal and like this you understand the Mahal of unconditional parenting hi Rabbi and Mrs I just wanted to say thank you so much for having me in your school I really gained and was able to grow so much from being in an open and loving environment I wasn't like I wasn't she probably meant it wasn't like I was told to stop doing things I was loved for who I was and that really gave me the strength and push to grow to where I am now and the change Came From Within Me Not from external pressure which makes it real and Lasting I some examples of things I gained in my time here is definitely real lasting relationships learning how to live alongside others and so much more so really so really thank you for putting so much into this school even though sometimes it's hard thank you and I feel like I'm now ready to move on for even more growth so yes AEM yes AEM I'm going I'm going to be going to Israel and I'm so happy to have been able to have bny which is the name of my school and part of my journey and I will forever be thankful to both of Rabbi and Mrs ER thank you so much this is a girl that came in she had massive struggles with SAS this is like the peak we never ever mentioned that she went to school now it was out of the window was not an issue anymore by the way I want to share with you I want to share before with I'm going to say it in public one day I get a phone call from a mother in Lakewood and she says her daughter asked her she wants to buy longer I don't know names but this different lens it's not s the KN totally but different she wants to improve at okay so she bought so the mother text she asked why no stop nothing Macho nothing so she Tex sent me a text said what what did you do in the school this week I said really it worked what did I do I came one day to the thinking class and I said girls today we're going to talk about personal space personal space I said you know when you talk to someone and their faces in your face what do you do you back off right you talk to someone it's about on average if you learn about social most of us learn it on our own and some of us need to be trained from my nose to someone else does about 17 in on average when you talk to them there there's a study see 17 and 20 in but when someone comes closer there's space physical space then there's such a thing it's called shared space so we talk about shared space I said the kitchen over here is shared space so if you leave your your dirty plate you're invading someone else's space it's your space and someone else's space we're talking about space say shared space how it works amazing then we talked about space for the eye imagine in in America there's a law you can't work naked in the streets well I want to do what I want no you can't you're hurting someone else ey you can't turn on music too loud when someone is sleeping you're take away someone's someone someone wants to sleep and you put on music which happens El a lot because very labor teenagers have a lot of energy overnight like it's unbelievable like yeah we know it they sleep by day up at night even they get to but and so talk about space and when it comes to all the five senses space so then I talked about and it was this was going on back and forth and they were sharing what's your what's not and then I said does any girl want to add something what other space can you think of and one girl says I get it so when I come down to the shabas meal with a very mini skirt without leggings and my brother-in-law makes kiddish like this because he doesn't he wants to be able I'm invading his spiritual space I did not end that conversation I wanted them to learn and to a whole different perspective ofas it's you you're invading someone else's space you can't just do what you want but I got there in a plate and that's where it ended everything could be taught and everything could be given over it just has to be done in a way that that that the that should be able to accept it so the mission of unconditional parenting is to have our kids we're talking generally we need to remind the again that all the everything that we spoke about throughout chabas and the trainings from K and from most of our conversations are when we talk about kids that are in the way we call it stage four right there are kids that are just starting to struggle they're not there yet it doesn't mean that advice that you got from someone that we're dealing with at stage four and then you come home you try to practice it to you know to on on a kid that's just starting not everybody is is in a level of that that they need to go through every single detail but we trust that parents are smart enough and mature enough to understand you hear you listen to speeches and then you see how you could apply it in your own family for your own kids and you have to see what makes sense but one understand it and then you be be on your own and to decide can I uh apply this for this child or that child can I actually apply this but so the Mahal goes like this once a kid was hurt regardless how they were hurt it was bullied or they molested I'm sorry I said that word or any other way that they felt they were traumatized with something or hurt their innoc everything changes things change they don't have that for for life as much as they had before they were hurt rarely nowadays rarely their issue is yish kite the problem is that we only see that they're hurting when we see their yish kite disintegrating and going less and less that's when we realize that there's a problem over here and we think that the yish kite is the issue so all of us we're all guilty of it when we started before we knew about this Mah and understanding what happens to the child when they go through trauma or pain we right away try to make rules or try to bribe them put on I give you $100 or if you're not going to put on you're not going to come to my we all try the natural thing the the way we deal with healthy kids with regular kids because they were not hurt but over here we learn that once someone was hurt physically emotionally usually emotionally hurt it's a different it's a different it's a different method it's not going to work the conventional does not work we're going to crisis and this is what we need to remember that the idea of this place is that we're teaching how to do crisis and crisis is heal first and then they'll become functional and functional means and if you came for shabas or you to any shabas and he wanted to learn how you could bring back your child to yish kite you made the biggest mistake because we're not going to teach you that yish kite is not the problem it never was and never will be yish kite is awesome if I would give up would come and say only to what would I change maybe I wouldn't wear the St a little heavy but I don't you can see this SK it's my own thing it's my culture it reminds me there was a one day maybe but what would I give up would I give up a life but never from family a guy sits with their family Thanksgiving I don't know the Thanksgiving over here what what what would I give up it's the most awesome thing we don't need to sell yish kite this salesman is trying to sell a product he goes to the store and he says would you buy this would you buy this product and he says what is it so if it's a very good item it's a good product he doesn't need to sell him and tell him why it's good for him he just has to tell him why the product is and that person will will know that it's good we don't need to sell yish kite maybe we need to tell our kids our regular kids at home a little bit more what really shabas is and yam of course we need to tell them if not they don't know but you don't need to sell it so if someone dropped yish kite it's not they dropped yish kite they drop being functional in most parts of their life most of our kids not all most of our kids that go through their struggle with yish kite they're not functioning they they get in trouble with the law the boys with speeding their cars and they do other risky Behavior so obvious not why we get stuck Onish kite and this is giving the wrong message for our kids that we only care about their yish kite what they're really telling us I am in pain I am hurting I can't tell you but I'm hurting that's all they want us to do so what do we do what do we preach over here what do we what what are we saying you should do we don't have to sell it we're just telling you what it is it's the first heal everything else is to follow I got a fun call a a a WhatsApp voice note from a a man few weeks ago and he tells me is a regular kid at home a 12-year-old kid my son came home if he was angry slamming doors and I went over to him and asked why slamming doors what's happening and he spit me in the face the boy spit his father in the face he sends me a text what do I do do I punish him do I scream at him do I lock him in his room I ignore it what am I doing I leave him back a voice not I said I'll tell you what to do take his son don't say a word in an hour from now take him in your car take it for a drive conversation with the car is sometimes a very good thing you're both looking that way right even with the wife some sometimes we drive get the conversations the scenery is moving you don't have to look at ey you can have certain conversations happen in the car so I told him take your son on a drive and tell him it's a regular kid not a kip if you spit me in the face it must be that you are hurting very very much and I don't know about it please tell me what it is I want to help you it can't be that you spit me in face because you don't like me he tells me I'm not doing this I'm I said you called me this is my M do whatever you want call someone else a few hours later this see man called me on the phone he was crying is said SL you wouldn't believe what just happened I took my son in the car we're driving it took me a few minutes we need to talk about this and that and I said sadic if you spit me in the face it must be something is very very hurting you he said tati thank you so much for telling me you know that my rabi is not feeling so well we have a substitute in KA for a few weeks and the substitute is embarrassing me and belittling me in front of the class every single day he called him name so his father felt so guilty I was about to punish my kid I was about and and so he asked what do I do now I said tomorrow morning you're going with the son you're going get to the manal's office and he say I am not walking out of this room until this substitutes out of the building and never walks in here [Applause] again and this s man did it and the manal apologized and said I had no clue he looked to me like such a I had no clue what's happening in the class and he thanked him and B this boy is shining away he got even closer to the Sun ever before cult can even more so when we're dealing with kids that are being hurt that they're hurting inside we don't know what it is some of us trying to figure out so when was it oh it was two years ago was this was that if you know what it is and you can still help it you can still try to get them to therapy fine not all the time are we going to get to the bottom of what is really hurting them and why there but the fact the matus is if someone is not behaving is not functioning in Ras and in G the way they should in that age is must be that they're in pain prove me otherwise maybe in the times of Enlightenment is probably also hurting but they were reading books ofus and L a total this is not the case today I've seen hundred B for hundreds of B and girls throughout these years I've never found I didn't find anybody that's functioning in everything the life besides because evolution is real I haven't found that person so should I say it in English okay a person does not do an a only if went into them a a uh huh foolishness so if someone is not functioning means that they're in pain so what do we do we treat the pain that's it you can go home we're done this is this is the whole idea of unconditional parenting unconditional parenting means there's no terms and conditions you don't make with them first heal them the cou is fellow of the last thing it's going to be the last thing that's going to come back on and it happens it happens some of us need to go through this journey a month a year 10 years I don't care as long as it takes until they are going to be healed and suddenly they're going to become functioning beings and going to be successful and R is only going to be stronger and better than ever last week shabas I was in bar by Sim I met a very very he told me that he had a son he knows what what I'm involved in and he told me you should know that many many many years ago he had a child a that was Mish was called the beach bumps that there was a group those guys many many years ago his son was Mish went through he said I don't know what you guys are doing but this is what I did I never threw him out of my house my neighbors are complaining he brought him his he came over with a dog sometimes and he gave over with a girlfriend and he came over they got s it's my son my house my a neighbor it's your how you should do when your neighbor every comes along with other people around it that they need to know how how they should deal with their it's not your if if my in-laws don't know how to deal with or or my parents or whoever don't know how to deal with my it's there no how they should deal with the inle with a grandchild it's not I don't have have to carry them as well I need to do what's what I think is right and that's what he did he said he took his he said his son lives in sh today got married he's every heit and he was there been there done that he gives them all the love in the world and acceptance and they is unbelievable want to tell me that he never believe took him so many years so many years there is no short cut there is no shortcut two weeks ago before we went to shabas was she made one shabas two weeks ago for the yish for the people they don't understand English you can imagine the ultra came that for that chabas and it's a very nice to it was a very intimate beautiful sh such a nice o was like very very nice 350 couples and right before I left I had a few minutes and I went to my sweat room and and I grabbed the cipher that I just picked up from the s store a few weeks before Tois uh someone made a collection there's different places different places someone made a collection a very nice we talking about so I opened up randomly my wife was waiting she run we packing the car minut maybe will give me a gift and he gave me such a mat and I want to share it with you he says that someone as L of Mag you're so mock on every diber you never say a word extra sadik very mock on your di you call everybody sadic people think it's a new thing now you call sadic it was like that in the olden days for sure so he said this person is a Russ and you called himad he's a a you call himad you're lying you know so brilliantly answers him he says if you learn a rash and you don't understand the rash would he say rash doesn't know what he's doing what you say I need to understand what did rash mean to say over here you learn another hour you understand the Rasha if you learn gamar and you have a question why did the gamur mean to say you don't get it you're going to say theur doesn't know what it's say say I don't the says you don't understand it doesn't mean that the mean that you don't know how to learn this the T says that this person is a tadik I don't know how I cannot say the T doesn't know how it's doing so this is a tadic I was always wondering when I was a little kid we used to read the books sh we Lear so much about extra very the SE was was uh smearing the wheels with oil from from his horse and buggy for his buggy and and and the guy was putting on film while he was and the V comes out look how beautiful CL is this person while he's taking care of his aome buggies still D what would other people say when they saw that the other way around and I used to think is foolish like he really or he's fooling Hashem hashm doesn't really know how does it work being someone in a m like that but then 17 18 years ago when I went to study a little bit psychology and I was learning and understanding I started to realize that we me I do not have the ability to see and know where some someone else's B is every person has b in a different place we all have kids right as I always say the sh every child is a different so they're all born they're beautiful they're cute we kiss them we love them but they're like a gift wrap they're full of wraps we don't know yet what their nature is we don't know if they're a cast we don't know if the cast is level 80 and the jealousy is level 20 and we we don't know anything but as they grow older we got to see this kid s oh he an anger issue and this kid has a that issue this is their Ava whever they need to work on we don't really know the struggles of another person so if I don't know what the struggle of another person how can I judge how could I know about this person's this person could be a says he it's a alab a girl from pre-war she came to America before the war and she was fighting to keep shabas for many many weeks she lost a job and she worked and she was here alone her family never was killed and stayed in Europe and and she caved in slowly Surly she she went over the D according to our eyes and she became very very rich and she lived in in in Boston and kabad over there was building a mo and they knew that this woman this alter lady over this very rich lady is a is a is a is she's a she so she gave Tak a very big n a few million dollars to the few months later said she was in Brooklyn and they wanted to bring her into the the she said I have no come to the RAB you gave money for his she came in and the start saying I heard that you gave money for to and such a and this and that she said he called her by her name he called her by her name he remembered her from the whatever name was and he said so she tells him looks at says we don't know who it's from we don't know we have no idea some people have different missions some people and all they needed to do is that one little thing and other people have morim and other people are pain and other people are we don't know what someone else's is so to me I think that could help us tap into the real us which loves our kids endlessly and tell ourselves my child is the greatest sadic in the world I don't know how who says one person learns 15 minutes a day and another person can learn 10 hours a day the person that lived 15 minutes a day could be more than the person live 10 hour do we know this person struggles for him to concentrate 15 minutes on Tyra it's something that he can't it's just doesn't work for him that's something that we don't know that came to the and he said my son I remember when I was a little kid my grandfather took with him twice so the seat comes re my son dropped and he's crying what should I do she said call to me he comes home he said tells his son over there and he said I'm going to go to the re the re's calling you you're not so he had respect he comes to the Reb's room and he says re before he started to talk I just want to tell you I'm a shabas just just just you know disclaimer shabas like do you still want to talk to me then says wow you shabas what do you do for shabas I smoke says really smoke shabas wow how many cigarettes do you smoke in in every 24 hours and L say 10 cigarettes how long does it take you one cigarette to smoke he said about 3 minutes so said 24 and a half hours you keep shabas only half an hour every shabas you don't keep shabas it's amazing 24 hours he keep Shas the last half an hour is the cigarettes that you smoke this boy went home next chabas he he smoked one cigarette less and I continued he's now and he tells the story said I told myself already that I'm gone it's all or nothing and it's was so connected my wife's family is very connected to Baba came to America after the war war and he had a SCH in in Manhattan and he he was looking for Minion literally looking for minion minion he trying to and there was like seven eight men nine people finally and he sent out his gab or his son of to goap in and every that passed by and one guy passed by and he looked like a and he said are you a he started talking yish so he says we need Aion he comes in where are you from from where you come next week shabas again we're looking for Minion and they go outside they need a tent he finds the seed again and bring him in a few weeks had minion already but then more started coming to America and Po in Manhattan and he had a and said I'm not starting to D until they ye just come in I I wanted to come again so it's because we don't need minion we started up with someone he was here so they said why do you need it we have minute you bring the sh the go you know I not starting to D until we find him they walk down to the corner there's a park and they see this seed over there smoking a shabas they came running back to he smok we're done they knew every week they're gonna have to go look for this guy he's not we don't need him shabas Hitler he smoked shabas Hitler is smoking it's not him it's his pain go bring him I want to have him for shs they brought him they went re needs you he came few weeks later the B moved back to Barak he moved to Barak he created this whole Dynasty this allas we know how now it's one of the biggest kidas a few years later many years later see came in and he tells the Son and the in the back do you remember the that I told you I see him I spot him over there tell him to come over to me hepped him over after that this that I'm not smoking Hitler is smoking I'm pained it's only pain who wants to be shabas who does not want to keep shabas does it make sense not to keep shabas if someone ever did it in their life they never they never experience a lavish dinner that they don't crave a lavish dinner or a fancy house or whatever they have we were born into this if someone gave it away that means that they are in pain this is the message and this is the idea that would constantly and we all need to remind this we need again and again and we have specific questions in different cases obviously that's what the all the training is all about and to understand the details but the subtotal the idea and understanding is that there is noas nobody dropped yish they're in pain for them I'm going to conclude after being this the for very long time we become filtered menion we go up in a higher level of giving up our ego and all the other things that we spoke about we learn how to love even if they hurt you we learn how I mean to see the love that we love them even if they hurt us we learn different things but what happens is people around us that don't have this particular n are not in the the level that you're at and they throw you a question and they throw you a doubt of what you're doing if it's right or wrong and that's when you could fall back so be aware of it if someone throws you yeah you're going to keep it you know what you're doing for your other kids or you know you know all this kind of it just for us it's a not that they like a it puts in doubt into us not these people mean good that they just don't get this they don't get it they can't it doesn't work so remember that they're not in that level it's okay and I want to say one more thing only ask advice for someone that knows this Nan inside out someone that b this or at least someone that was trained someone that was in this Mah because if not you're going to get so confused you're going to go to ask a local R for this one or that one old sadik and they're amazing I just called not long ago to ask him on a on a on a someone asked me information on a family that I know and there's something that family that I and I was in my I don't know what to do on one hand if I don't say I could be that I'm not saying this family might be on the other hand if I am going to say I might be it was a big I called and I asked him he said he said I am not in the call this and this he's in this was so amazing how you could be a big r from but if they're not in this they don't get it or because they don't have this to themselves or they're not do not ask them this question you got for for this has my balab says that maybe be masing with me Myas balab says that Dory has to be only story that knows the or this what you want to call it to help we should have all the all theas that we are bringing down everything that we're doing in this world uh two weeks ago there was the spoke and he he himself has this Challenge and he came and he spoke to the parents it was amazing the that he gave and he said the story the one of the one of the luminary he wrote many different so had a son that was a kip he had him by shabas table by the Tish he was a of and he was a m of the and he had him sit right near him on every single shabas year in year out people used to come to him re if he comes I'm not coming he said you can do whatever you want it's my child and we know at the end at the end this boy at the end of his life he did cha and whatever he did cha he became healthy so he's able to be ear again that's what Chua means in that way this is something that we are doing and this is something that sadim did and this is something so you know that you're doing what's right ask the people that noce and we should be clear oh I forgot the main point was that oh sorry the main point was that shared is that that he said the story and he said that there was a another that came once to the to the and he was wondering what the is doing it at home Friday night after when his son came home with this son what is the doing and he sneaked he was hiding behind the door he wanted to hear how that ever talks to this to to this son so he put him to sleep and he talking him and then when the son went to sleep were such pain and we're misbehaving we not we're not being e the way it's supposed to be look what I'm doing for my son isn't it a about time you should do it with us this is this is the the main point that that he shared so this is a from all of us and we are all going to be marching towards [Music] [Applause] and