R Shloime Ehrlich What should i wish for? All we really need is "Skills, Wisdom, Strength"

[Music] Trying to encapsulate this chabas and put into a few minutes over here is a very hard job but uh having this and this I've been here the third year already and we we know the Manchester how would you say Manchesterian people how do you mania oh that's a nice one amazing people this is amazing China amazing we're walking the street with my wife walking the street you Oh, where you staying? Is such friendly people. There was a woman outed a woman, an older woman. She reached out to her husband and she said, "How are we doing in our marriage?" And he said, "I'll be honest with you. I'll be honest. I want to divorce you. So she said, "Why do you want to divorce me at this age?" Like, "Well, we like we live together so many years." And he said, "You don't do anything anymore like they used to. The laundry, the this, the that, you're old and frail. You're not the same. You're just not being a wife, a housewife. So it was going as red anymore. So you know, I want to divorce you." She starts crying. She says, "I don't understand. Don't you remember we were young what I did for you what I did in the house I raised the kids and she started crying as she said don't throw me away when I'm getting old when I don't have anymore don't forsake me this is the very same thing we are telling the we are 2,000 years in gulas In the beginning of time, yes, millions of problems on our own, our hiding that we're dealing with. It's rapid. Don't forget who we were in the beginning of times when we got married by we were the most amazing. We did everything for you. We did all our We are we are married to you. We're married to the and we we did everything but just because please forget what we did for you all the for says don't worry I'm going to bring you home soon. Nobody is to blame of what's going on in this d other than the sagulas. of being in gulas for so many years going through a lot but we do have if your child is doing a mitzvah keeping shabas 2025 in America in in Manchester and it's a with all this with the what's going on in the last five years in our life let alone the last 20 the last 30 years since co and we're still ding and we're crying our biggest issue is our child's yushkai Isn't there a greatest keshmay? This is the greatest keshm. What are we worried about? They're kids. The says the is called sometimes it's called the sometimes the he come with his old tactics. He is very wise and he tries to come in every tactic and every generation when we're getting all the ghoul is so long he's trying to come with new with we need to come back and fight the with new our event this shabas for all of you that were here for shabas and the previous shabusim and all the other events that unconditional parenting is doing we are not bringing a new it's all based on it's all based in the past the tactics are changing how to deal with the of the new generation and to save our kids at home and to save the kids that are already the kids that said we can't anymore how can we save them so we are coming up and we're trying to figure out new ways of how to deal with them that last week the night before I I left New New York to come to Manchester. I dam if you know it's factory at my he comes over to me. He tells me my name is he introduces himself. He's a dami. I never knew him before and with him and he whatever it looks like we shared some kind of case or something that he know that I know. But in the conversation he shares with me a beautiful about the we all know that he didn't leave any children but he told me something that I never knew and he told me that the had two kids before the war and what's interesting to know that I'm sharing with you this master now is the because I just ran home to the apartment to pick up something with my wife and with Hashi and on the way I'm sharing with I'm sharing with them this story that I want to maybe say the story tonight and I didn't remember the names of the Bisual kids as I'm saying that I'm bishop wrote say goodbye what were the names of he said the door he said he walks up and he screams after me he said yeah that What's the story? I heard and then he had a daughter. This was a troubled teenager in a certain sense. I don't know how far but definitely the way this told me that he heard the story from it gave me the whole details. Za is a brother through it's it's a master maybe the know the story that this was struggling she was struggling team the came to Manchester and he was by Shabaton from unconditional parenting kidding didn't need this they had to tell you and the way he was treating this daughter he was so connected with her he was mish giving her all the love in the world and she went to the theater He walked with her till there he waited for her to come out and he asked her all about it which part she enjoyed. One time he ran after her with a coat. It was cold to take a coat and he was waiting. Every single time wherever she went he went with her like we witness today. They didn't even know that you're following your own. Eventually she turned out to be at Sadikas. She got married and she was she ran the the the moist schools. I don't know exactly this didn't bring them in. So what we're preaching over here, what we're learning together over here is and there's many many like this we all know the story he kept him by the tish lost some of his said and we were leaving he said you could go he's my son he said oh near him for years at the end of his life this this achieve it became healthy. So what are we doing over here? We're not coming with new Titus. We're not bringing new stuff. We're we're being that we should be able to implement it and do it. So what are we doing? We're doing a shift change oldest son was traveling in Poland and he stayed in a hotel in an inn. Was in a motel. He stayed over there overnight and it started raining and pouring and he had to stay for another night and another night a few nights. He couldn't leave. It was misha storm. There was some buggies. couldn't and he didn't have enough money to pay for this for the for the baboos for the extra nights there was no credit cards was not he couldn't pay so this is whoever own and said listen I see but you can't you can't leave before you pay me he said you know he said maybe I have something he went opened up a suitcase he started looking through the possessions the things that he had and he said he found a watch a clock a clock and a nice clock and he said if you give me this you're good to go you don't have to pay me it was much more worth than the the three nights but he didn't have money and he was a tadic he didn't want to I eat gel kazm he said okay you you satisfied I'm satisfied he left what was that clock that clock he yashed from his from his father the he just came back from leing And all the brothers took different we know of the says that every that uses he takes out the just like the it's can be sometimes a gash in this world they elevated they used it for such that that it's not considered from a few months later was the of the happens to He stayed in that same motel and he sleep he slept in the room and the morning when he was checking out and he checked out from the place the the baboo tells him what's going on with you he was singing all night and I've had such kind what kind of people who are you said I'll tell you something very very interesting happened in this room you know me all my life every time I look at my watch I see the the tick tick another second another second another second passes. Every second that passes, I get I'm a closer. I'm another second closer to to to give it a little I think was all my life I lived when he said something happened when I was in this room. There's something about the clock. Every second that I get tick tick, I felt like I'm closer to Msiah. Another sec closer to Mashiah. Another second close to Mashia. I started dancing. I never had my whole perspective of life changed in this room. What is this clock? Where do you have it from? She told them that this was so interesting. But the story is that Sadikim he was able to tap in. It must be that the lived like that and the understood why he had to stay in that room to change his way. Why you looking for negative another second of tus another second of two? What's going to be a negative? That's that's that's not that's not running towards gain. That's running away from pain every second. It's like a hard no. It's terrible what we're going through. This problem, that problem. This is something that's called a shift change. We change the way our perspective, the way we see the world, and the way we've seen. How do we want to be every time we look at we're 2,000 years a When we stop focusing on our problems, looking backwards, it's it's something that's impossible to change. If I would ask everybody in this room to close your eyes and give one wish, think of one wish that let's say I have the magic button and I would say whatever you wish, think of something. I'm going to press this button. You're done with that with that thing. What would be your wish? I'm sure all of us thought about one big major issue in our life. I wish this problem would go away. I wish that problem would go away. I wish I would have enough money to solve all the problems. I wish I The wish is to take away a problem. As we said, today we're talking a little bit about. It bothered me that it was such a short time to to bring out the is conversations of days and months and but the you should make your should we are trying a whole day. We're teaching kids to do this and it's false. It's not Emma. We're teaching them that they should try to change Hamm's roots. Hashem orchestrated exactly what I need to go through in this world. We all know that from from crisis always says when a child is conceived the malik takes off the tip and asks what should this child be rich or poor. So everything is pre-ordained. So the Buddha says the only thing really up to us is you have to work on the rest is pre- orchestrated. Says how many times do we hand this every event that's going to go through your life is orchestrated before you come down to this world. The good, the bad, and the ugly. There's no bad and no ugly but in our eyes the tough moments the good moments it's all there to shape us and to and what we need to go through in this world. So why are we ding saying you don't know what you're doing? Of course there's there's very few parts in that we actually ask for for the fear and everything else because Hashem wants us to ask because we have a Hashem wants to come through us but we can we are not here to change the Hashem's roots. We are here to make it easier for us. We are here to take out the message of the of the challenges that we go through. So I want to read to you three lines that I I tried to live by these lines the last and I felt it's a good thing to share. We all made a wish before. Don't wish for your problems to go away. Wish you would have more skills. Don't wish for less challenges. Wish for more wisdom. Don't wish it was easier. Wish you were stronger. But we came for this Shabas is Thank you, Hashem, for giving me this. It's hard for me. It's taking over. I I've been I threw my tantrums already. Imploded, exploded. I did everything. But now in a place I realized, but what do we need? Skills. Once you have the skill to deal with something, we have millions of problems in our different thing. When you have the skill, it's easy. I have a friend of mine is a mechanic of my and he explained to me this there's like the carburetor I don't even know whether it's a part in the car that used to take him 3 hours to change he had to take out the engine he went to some kind of show uh mechanic show where where they he found a new tool over there something he could change in a half an hour he picked up the skills so now he can make double triple the amount of money he heel he how silly he was didn't go to these Shabbat from mechanics so to speak to pick off the skills and the wisdom and the strengths the from other mechanics how to deal with this. What we need in our life is skills. Anytime you have a problem in front of you, you say, "What skills do I need now?" You have a business, you say, "Okay, I need to bring more customers. So, I'm probably missing skills in sales." You're good at sales. I need to have I'm missing skills on how to hire and fire workers. I'm missing skills. We are missing skills. Learn and reach out to people that have the skills and then suddenly you're able to deal with it and you feel stronger and you have more wisdom. You're able to deal with it. Shabusim like this events like this are to give us the skills. Understand what do I do when my daughter suddenly walks in dressed like a certain way? What do I do when when my son goes over the deck? What do I do when that happens? What do I do with my other kids? All the beautiful conversations we had throughout Chabas. These are new skills. We're going home with new skills in our pocket. Nobody came here to take away your problems. But when you have the skills, the wisdom, and the strength, it's a walk in the park. I spoke from Malam a while ago, while a while ago, uh how to deal with difficult kids and different things, different training, different and it was we're going through different challenges, different things. And one Mhammed says, "I can't control the CL strict city. Kids are dancing and sitting in the and the other Mhammed walks in there. He has conviction. Conviction is the right word. He owns the place. Everybody is there without screaming, without yelling. He's controlling the class perfectly. What does he have more than the other guy? Skills. He has a skill. There's a there's a mahala. There's a way to control a whole place. There's a way for a speaker to get everybody quiet to listen to you. There's a way. There's a way to do it over here. No, over here it's easy because you all came to But how many times you're sitting by my friend made in Williamsburg a couple years ago and he asked me to speak over there. People are not really the every night and people speak and I was like I'm interested but it's a toy for him for the mitzu boy feels good that his father's friends are speaking but I stood up over there and everybody music so loud I couldn't even hear myself. I I was talking I trying to all my skills. Okay. I started speaking in English. I suddenly switched over and I started to continue talking and everybody's like chopping the spoon looking at the I within 2 minutes something caught their attention so different and then suddenly I switched back to Yiddish and I got them till the end. It was funny. It worked. It's like whoa. What does do there's a skill for everything. There are skills. There's a set of rules. There's a set of tools. There's a mahalak how to deal with a child that's behaving like a maniac. There's a way. There's a way to do that. There's a mahal. There's a mahal for everything. So, what we need? We need to stop I talk to myself. Believe me. We need to stop crying about the challenges. We need to start being excited and looking out for having the wisdom, the coy, the the strength and the skills to deal with it. Every new challenge that comes in, they say who in the world is the right person to reach out that can give me the skills. People go people think therapy is only therapy. Yeah, let's talk therapy. Getting really most of the times is picking up skills. Shalom bias is skills most of the time. I have people coming to me for all the time. I I teach the five levels of communication. I have like all mahal heavier complic conversations easy how to communicate. Elast has the solution. They're all going to say if we would have better communication. It's all about communication. You're right. Communication is key. We just don't have the skills. Where did we take this? How do we know marriage? We looked at our parents where they were surviving. They were not living like us or their parents. Not to their fault. They're different things. Our generation, we want to have a good chai. Go pick up the skills and you'll use that skills. Your children are going to learn naturally. They're not going to have to learn it. They're going to know exactly how to communicate effectively with their spouse. There was I had someone in my office and he recently and he said he's very upset. He's very turned off from his wife. very very turned off. He said he was by her father's shabas cida and she's she said something about him and he got very embarrassed something she shouldn't have said in front of her family he got hurt very very hurt so she says okay it's Tuesday it happened shabas I said I'm sorry 25 times I did a mistake I should have said it I was you know can we all make that mistake absolutely he's turned off where does that come from where does that come from there's a beautiful skill that I'm going to give you now which hopefully will do this and our kids are going to have it naturally if you have already this skill. There are different types of emotions, different types of feelings that a person can have simultaneously. We could have certain feelings together and certain feelings you can never have at the same time. You could love someone but you cannot love them and hate them at the same time. You could love someone and be upset at them at the same time. You could be hurt and still love them and many many other types of of emotional equations different types of feelings together this works this doesn't work when a child a little child let's say when I was a kid when I was punished because I hit my brother whatever I did wrong I felt that I'm not loved now I'm not loved now because you know what did he do what why he do And then I had to earn my love. You earn your love when you behave. When you bring your good test at home, when you give for the your parents love you and when you don't behave and you're not you're not so good, you're misbehaving. You're not so loved. That's a we're all trying to fix this with the kids that are already struggling. But imagine what we could do, what I do for my son. my my my son hits his brother, let's say, and he does the same thing that I did when I was a kid. I say, "Uh-oh, you're misbehaving. You're hurting him the whole time. You are going into your room right now for half an hour. Don't you dare come out of your room for another half an hour. You are going to learn that you're not going to hit this brother and that brother. But I can't wait for you to come out to see the most beautiful face. I can't wait to give you a hug when you come out, but go into your room right now for half an hour." He's going into that room knowing that his father's strong his father is disciplining him but love and I'm I'm upset at him why he's turning over the whole house and everybody has to walk around on eggshells around him for that half an hour for this whatever he did but Tati can't wait to see me he loves me so much and it's true I love him like crazy this kid the he's going to grow older and his wife is going to say something by the shabas table he's going to tell himself I love her. But I'm very, very hurt that she did that. How long is he going to be sold for that? How are they going to be turned off? You don't have to be turned off. Your spouse said something they didn't. They shouldn't. They did something they shouldn't have to. Why getting turned off? All of us are getting turned off. I'm doing Shambas 20 years with people. It's why again, if there's no love in the first place, that's a whole different situation. We talk about a couple that regular couple that settled have it's it's inevitable that things are people are going to do things that are going to hurt the other spouse. You forgot something that was important to her. Always tell yourself to fix that or to go back into that motion. Say I'm very connected to him her but I'm hurt or he shouldn't have done it. You're going to see your emotions are going to be not so closed. They'll be a little hurt but okay can deal with that. Imagine our holy kids, the kids that we came here before for the Shabas. They are hurting us, not purposely, but they're hurting us through and through. And they know it and they feel it. But if they could feel that mommy hurt, you don't need to lie. You don't need to lie. It's ems. You hurt your pain. This kid is destroying your home. But you love this kid immensely. And they have that they have that they feel the vibes from you that my parents love me endless regardless how I behave. Even if they hurt and even if it's hard for them they still love me. This kid has the greatest chance of becoming settled and and heal start healing as we spoke throughout the whole Shabas. So we need to have skills and this is a skill for and a skill how to deal with these kids and everything else that we spoke about the shabas how to talk to the siblings how to talk to ourselves and how to deal and how to talk to these kids and how to talk to all these these are all about skills. So if we're going to start ding tom whatever you are sending me is the best thing ever for me but please the skills send me the right people to tell me how I should do this that should be art filler that should be artiller don't worry the put him to the and him enough to actually ask that that should change but that's that's that's in It's in the it's in the we ask if I get the kind. It's all in there. We need to have skills how to dab. We need to have skills how to teach our kids when someone brought up today. How do you get a 12-year-old kid to go d? It's a skill. Our parents didn't have skills. If you don't have skills, what do you do? You go strict. You scream. You bribe. You'll do everything. There's a skill. There's someone out there. Put it into your head. You need strength, skill and the wisdom theata skill. I tried actually when I was thinking about bringing up this topic tonight. I was trying to translate maybe Rab Schwarz can help me. How would you translate the word skills or what's the other word? Is there any language means but means that someone is talented. It doesn't mean skill. Yeah. It's talent. There is no action word, right? Skill. How would you? So I need to use what a a is a is a trait. Skill is a beautiful word happens to be. I once heard a very big professor. He said I think Jacobson interviewed him and he said our kids are not missing will they're missing skill. They don't have the skills how to deal with their emotions when they're angry. They don't have the skills how to deal with their moistness when they're angry. They don't have to have the skills to to to regulate their central nervous system. And if we don't have the skill how to deal with a kid that doesn't have the skill, World War II in our homes until you come to unconditional parenting, World War II. So, we are here to learn skills. I'm begging you. Don't just leave the shabas. Kylum. It's also the kylum. Okay. Don't just leave the shabas the way it is. Put into your plan immediately to set up and to be by I know Mrs. Rosenberg Sedakus does does support groups. Unbelievable in the house and and yo Rosen all the different I'm not I'm not familiar with all the support groups. sign up to support you. You don't have to sign up whatever just go join. We need more skills by sitting with other people that are in the same situation you have. They give you the skills. There's a skill for everything. I was speaking for the for the Gisha for my organiz for theat few weeks ago. They also made a shabat and I was there. We were there together and there's a skill. There's a way how to deal with your emotions when you're gurish. I was giving them skills. How do you deal with your feel for five years? I never I I'm struggling like there are skills. I gave the skill that I know. I'm sure there's other people that know more. Reach out to someone in that it'll blow you away. In other words, it's called experience. Someone has experience. It's not experience. It's the skills that that person learned sometimes at their own. Of course, for me, this design is very my own also. Besides dealing with this for almost 20 years, but I'm dealing with I'm also in this design. Obviously, since I'm in this, I must admit that I understand it way more than I used to before. But we need skills and start seeing you're going to have the skills, you can have easy life. It's interesting in the in the in the it says idol guys. But always learned the and all this not only with we learned. Soisha says he says someone is someone is very very strong naturatured and he's and he does what's right what wants him to do is he could go down to save all the i.e Eat your own kids. Someone is weak. He's not so sure about his madness. Don't put yourself into none of us put ourselves into Hashem is the one that chose us. That means that we are strong. We are strong people that Hashem gave us this. He said, "You are strong enough in your Yiddish. You're strong enough in your emotional and mental to deal with these kids that are in their own ganam in their own self-made or trauma made ghann." So sometimes you need more. Remember you're as we're strong. If we were chosen to be dealing with this ganam and being exposed and to this all this to to all these things must be that we are aspe chose us to deal with this. Now ultimately I'm not going to schle too long. We heard so many throughout Shabas yesterday, two days ago. When we are going through this, there's the emotional component in us. There's the mental component and the physical component and the financial component. All of it is being drained. Drained. Our batteries are not like drained and it could be detrimental. We need to be very very careful of our own health. You have to take this as a mission from the banish to deal with it. I'm not saying it's easy all the time because sometimes we take everything and we say the banish you gave me this mission. I'm going to do I'm going to fail and I'm not going to do wrong. I'm going to write whatever I'll try. I'll pick up more skills and more skills and more strengths and more. But there are moments that we can't take it. And we need to remember to regulate our own central nervous system. Our amygdala has secondhand smoke, secondhand trauma from watching this and seeing this. This is so one of the ways t is to make a samkim big shabusim and smaller groups and other people talk and such validation when you hear someone else speak and you speak and you hear how they did everything wrong and then they finally figured it out and then you pick up skills and we need to take care of ourselves. We can't do this. I know we have the and we have to tap into that and maybe by the we should remember that with and the same thing is our mental capacity our financial capacity and we spoke of today I was happy that it came up by the by the by the panel some people think they have to sell again the ar the m where you need to sell your shoes for your child the but most of the time not this is going on video because so The people are are the people that don't come here. They they think that this is what we preach. Everybody should there's a lot of guidelines are skilled. You have to know how how to spend when to spend for the kids. We are all so drained. So we need to tap into and advice and skills. But really check into yourselves the whole time. If you're able to do it with your spouse, you're able together to go out once a week, go on a date night. People think a date night is only when you're dating. Every marriage cult can the people like us that are dealing with such huge challenges that Hashem gave us until we don't have all the skills until we didn't work out our own system. We need to have if you go out on a date night and a date night is not to go out and discuss all the heavy conversations and cry together that you can do the other night. Date night is for fun just to shme the light conversations. Turn off your cell phone just for an hour or two hours. It doesn't have to cost money. just on a walk, just to laugh again, and just to remember and and and and act out like little kids as if you're 18 years old and you're meeting the first time. Do this all your life. We need to have the kas. I sound weird. Sorry. Too bad. I married 19 years. Yesterday was our anniversary. I don't think we've passed a week of not dating. We needed We have so much to deal with, so much to see on. But the more skills I have suddenly gets easier. Aid came over to me in shabas and said, "How you smiling?" I don't know if he knows my life, but the little bit that nosy could how you smiling. It's a skill. It's a skill. And you know what the skill of smiling is? I'll tell I'll tell you my secrets. I'm telling this person now. I didn't answer because I was rushing. My skill of laughing and smiling and being in a good mood a lot of times is because I I learned something amazing. Three things we have to learn from a little child. He cries when something hurts him. And when he wants something, he'll cry and he's happy for no reason. And I put it together. If someone is able to cry when something bothers them, they're able to laugh afterwards. If you never really cry, you never really tap into your emotions, you never really throw a tantrum, an adult tantrum. How could you be happy? It's always in your head, in your back of mind, it never lets you get to a happy place. I'll make a confession. I once a week when I deal with my problems and I could cry sometimes, sometimes it doesn't go, it does go. I try to be as real as I can and I try to be as human as I can and then later I'm able to be because my subconscious is not trying to put in my face again, but what are we going to do with that? What are we going to do with that? What do we do with that? It's like keeping all the folders open in front of us. Imagine you come to your desk and all the folders of every issue they did was writing. You put it away, you bring it back up. You can't deal with everything at a time. If you put away as man once a week that you deal with your issues twice a week, whenever you need as much as you can, you're going to find yourself happier. That's a skill. There's a skill. There are skills how to deal with stress. How many people are getting sick by the 50 60 they start getting arthritis. I don't know again development. What can we do to stay healthy? It's a skill. It's a skill how to deal with stress. It's a skill how to be the kids. It's a skill how to beh the kids. Enough said. That we should all compliment ourselves, thank ourselves, be proud of yourself. So I can't believe that I am up to this stage. I went through such a long journey until now. Hashem should give me that I should be able to continue helping my child going through their journey. And I want to thank you again for giving me the opportunity me and my wife on behalf of my wife the opportunity to come with you and fab with you to shabas. I'm telling you all season are going to go and it should happen. [Music]