Lecture for Chabad Melamdim Merkaz chinuch Kinus week

This Torah class is brought to you by tora anytime.com. >> Okay, everybody. I just randomly took out a gator from the I opened it up randomly. So I want to read two lines writes over here. You should raise every child random open to this face should come out. There's no random raise every child in their own way, in their own path. When he'll get older, he would not leave the the vent. Just want to say that I mish feel so humbled such a to such beautiful. I was asking a few where they're coming from from literally all my life I wanted to be in Quran from the the week of the uh here I am have this to to speak for you a little bit and share with you we don't have much time I wasn't given much time we're going to talk on a very heavy topics I'm going to try to compress it to zip file it into very short So you were able to comprehend it in a quicker fashion. I shouldn't have toel spell out everything with mulam and just talk in order to raise the next generation the new generation that we're dealing with. There was never a time that we what we what we're facing now was God puted in the whole world raising the kids today. They should be they should grow up to be we're fighting get against many winds, many different stuff happening around the world. So what do we need to do? Sometimes the right thing to do is to look at the failures. We look at the kids that fell out of the system that fell out of the school system as the world calls them OTD. I don't like that word. the children that are the and the teenagers and the girls that are falling out searching coming from and what they end up doing is searching around the world and we look at them and we see what's the common denominator what's happening to them and how can we prevent it when it comes to the the children that are learning the the whole world there's one common thing that all the in the whole world the from America from I have this to speak for many many for organizations that are training parents how to deal with the children that are struggling next week in two weeks I'm going to speaking at 11 engagements I'm being in a shabas a Thursday in all over in this suga of how to heal our children that that are struggling that are not not finding themselves yet. One thing that all the M are saying, all the professionals from around the world is that children that are born and raised in a moset with malam and at home with the parents that feel safe and secure seen, these are the kids that grow up very resilient. The children that are not resilient, those are the ones that fly with the wind. If a child goes through their elementary yeshiva years and they're being bullied, bullying is a very very serious problem. It's a very serious issue. It creates a child that's for life running away from themselves. Bullying is one of them. Of course, being molested or touched by other people, these kind of stuff. We know that 80% literally 80% of the boys and girls that are drifting out of our systems are the are were were inappropriately touched somewhere sometime in their lives. So, it's all trauma related. in order to be a healthy yid and we grow up. We go through the tamati years. Many times at home a lot of our the children that you're dealing with, of course, we need to talk about collaboration, talking to the parents, reaching out to the parents, which will touch on soon. But sometimes if it's not the parent, it could be the Mhammed. The Muhammad, the Makan could save a child by detecting early detecting if a child is being bullied or hurt in any way that could ruin their life forever. How does it look like when a child is is not healthy? When a child is not in a good place, the toyra starts with he says buru is also bas is health. First you need to be healthy. You need to be healthy. You need to you need to be emotionally, mentally and physically healthy. If if someone is not gaz physically, we all understand. But if someone is mentally or emotionally not healthy, they cannot be an do you know how healthy you have to be to make smart choices to be every single moment of every single day. You need to be a very healthy individual. The toy starts you need to be healthy and even more so to grow up to be even a higher level that should be selfless like all of you. You know how healthy you have to be. I was by a wedding by one of my Talmida in my we have yeshiva for bkim that are struggling and one of the boys got married and we were dancing there and the boy comes over to me I didn't see him two three years totally shaved he looked like put on a suit but he looked came over to me and I hugged him sadik and he tells me I want to tell you something I started putting on film every single day two minutes but I put on film every single day I said what inspired you tell me sadik I'm you know he said yeah one of the people years ago, whatever. I said, "No, no, no." He said, "I have a hobby. I travel and I'm always stopping in a kabad house. The first thing they told me to put out film, I start I got connected to it. It was rewritten. I started enjoying putting out film. I once had another Talmet which is reminding me that was also very struggling terribly in his kite and his relationship with and he told me he cannot wear film ever again but he started keeping shabas. So I asked him what you know what happened with film why do you have such a hate was a was food he told me he was violated touched inappropriately while he was wearing twana by a mentor in yeshiva he it's hypocrisy to him he couldn't but I want to start putting out film how do I do it so I told him take it film out of the bag let's not call it film put into a shopping bag and we're going to call it the love letter to the banish letter I couldn't teaching this yet. I was talking practical is also practical teaching simple. I told him film you have a letter tied to your hands and in that letter it says and then he put on another love letter on your head and he put on and the says the same time that we film not film the love letters Hashem also puts out and write on the back this is my love letter and he it resonated with him he took out his film and he started putting out every single day and he sent me a picture on WhatsApp every single day for a few weeks. Did you do your love letter today? I did my love letter. Fine. After a while was able to connect again. We are trying to prevent these kind of issues. So I want to give a very quick mish because we're so constrained in time a to understand the biology of the brain. We all know that a person has a human being has you're able to be an animal does not have a what is it called in in in in medical terms over here behind our mah behind our forehead we have the prefrontal cortex. This is the part of the brain right over here in the front where there's the right hemisphere and the left hemisphere know and the right side is is creativity and understand the left side is numbers and and and and names and logic. The whole the whole idea of a human being is that we have a prefrontal cortex and behind do not have it at all. What else do we have in our in our system? Right over here in the back we have the hippocampus or the reptilian brain. It's the animal brain. It's the subconscious brain. It's the It's the instinct instinctive brain. What tells us that we need to blink our eye, this back of our brain. What tells us to continue breathing while we're sleeping. What keeps us doing things is our subconscious, is our is our hippocampus. A human being, a child is born does not have the prefrontal cortex is not developed at all. It starts at age three and then four different parts. Now we see it in X-rays. We know exactly different parts of the brain, their functions and what they do. When a child is in the age of 6, 7, 8, 9, 10 is the most important part where all these parts of the brain start growing, physically growing in and able to start becoming more logical. By the time they're 13, mish like told us, the time they're 13, they're able to make choices. literally as a time when they're able to start making an average kids, average brain. We have another part in our brain. I'm not going to talk about every part in our brain. And then we have another part in our system in our in our skull which is very important. It's called the amygdala. The amygdala is between the airs. It's central part. It goes down. It connects to the top of the spine or to the whole nervous system. The amygdala, Hashem put it in there to scan our body, to scan our surroundings the whole time and make sure that we are safe. That's the whole job, the main job of the amydala. The amygdala's job is to make sure that we are safe. What does it do? It connects to our five senses. Sight, smell, taste, hearing, feeling a whole time three times per second. Three stimuli per second. It checks are you safe? You look around. Maybe someone is doing a frown. Maybe someone doesn't like me. Or you feel a tiny shoe in your a tiny stone in your shoe. Something scratching you. You hear a noise. Your amigdala is going to scan in a second. Is that a dangerous noise? It's a safe noise. What kind of noise is that? A touch. Someone gives you a clap. You turn around. Your amigdala says it's okay. If it's your amigdala says ah and it hurts you. The amygdala has the ability to decide in split of a second what happens to a child that went through trauma. A child that was bullied by other kids in their class or bullied by by without realizing by their parents neighbors. A child like that their amygdala goes on high alert. The amygdala could scan the five senses up to 27 times per second. You see a lot of these teens that are at risk. You look at them, you see that they're always constantly looking at they're they're they're in danger mode. And what happens when the amydala is is on high alert? It turns off, this is the key, it turns off the prefrontal cortex. It turns off your ability to make to be smart to make smart choices. That's what happens. The amygdala turns it off. And what's controlling the body? The neahamus the hippocampus. becomes control. So what does it mean? When you are a healthy person and your amydala is calm, you feel safe, really feel safe, your opens up, you're able to think and think and look around the the the wonders of the world and and call whatever you're able to do everything. the the the uh amygdala turns off the brain, the front brain to protect you. I'll tell you why. Imagine you're sitting on a in in a forest somewhere. You go on a hike with your family and you make a barbecue and you're sitting there in the suddenly you see a big bear. If you're going to start thinking, oh, what kind of bear is that? That's a black bear or a brown bear. A black bear, it's going to be too late. It's going to eat you up. So, what did Hashem do? He created the amygdala to turn off our brain. No logic grunt to your hippocampus where over there you have fight or flight you and it knows already bear flight. Maybe we get into car it was only a black bear. Where I live in my mella we have every night big black bears like this big. They come to visit our garbage cans. We have bearproof garbage cans. I got salvo. We my kids have already names for them. One of them is limping. So, we know the limp is that those beers really that I could go out of my porch and go like that and run away. The black bears are not dangerous at all. I mean, don't try it out, whatever. But New York State is only black bears. Fun fact, but the idea is >> they ate my chicken. >> They ate the chicken. Okay. >> Okay. Where are you? Which state? >> Pomon. >> Pomon. Oh, you're also Okay. I had herand eating up my my fish in my pond. the co big co their lunch was a few thousand of love. So the idea is that we need to understand this. This is going to give you a very important understanding of what's happening. So when a child is developing, they're growing up. They need to feel comfort. They need to feel safe, seen, soothed, understood, wanted, needed. And that keeps the amydala safe. They're able to comprehend. They can learn the toy. They can understand everything you're teaching them. They're able to make smart choices. And when they a child is a child and the do end up fighting with a sister, a brother, with another kid in the class, you're able to rationalize. But if the if the amigdala is on high alert, how many times you sit down with your child and you give them a half an hour, you feel like you feel so good afterwards. You give them such a suck. You explain to them so rational why you should not do this. You know what's going to happen? You're going to knock a door. You're not going to get a not to move on like and you walk away. Ah, I did it. I get the next day the child is or the teenager is totally disconnected. They didn't remember what you told them. Why is that? Because the front of the brain is just not working most of the time. There are little parts of it. There's a lot to talk about and then there's the hormones. There's a lot. But this is more or less as far as I could talk in this sh is to understand how the system works. So what is our job as malam to teaching them educating them that's not that's a different sheet you're going to get. how to teach to how to give it over. That's that's a total different model. What we're going to talk today about is how to connect to the kid in a way that they should feel you have the ability that they should that you could save one kid in your class's life. Imagine that. What would the Reb do for you if you would do that? You've come to the say my was this one kid. All of us remembers our malam. I remember every single reb in my childhood. I'm almost 50 years old. I remember my highb used to he believed in me. I'll never forget. I'll never forget. You'll stop people in the streets and you ask them who is your favorite and everybody will say oh his grades and why I don't know. I just I just love him. He was a role model is what did he teach you? Can you tell me one thing that you remember? I don't remember. Most of us are walking around remembering and the mama that believed in us, the looked up at me, the was me, you know, there's a I forgot which you ever knew that a child a little child is a with small feet. He's just young. He's he's not just a kid. A kid. All of us were little kids one day. This kid is going to grow up. If you have one child in your class that you connected to and he gave them, you should be mik with all your kids with your own children at home. Many children in the the mistas. If you could give them that leaf shove their isn't that you know had a son had a daughter and she had two son three sons two sons was was and and and brings in the name of I think it's a paras if I remember correctly and he says he talks about that hashem feels ourem feels that's not like I have my child hashem is all overm is all over so he says what is a feeling that is what is a feeling of a person your feelings are your your actually he's just feeling that way my my feelings is actually And what's my so my feelings says the you have to is ex is how Hashem feels now. Hashem wants you to feel that or that feelings are real into feelings. Every feelings every mitzvah has to be done and nowadays were very aware of it. I mean were always aware it but the world is trying to teach kids and they should you know you should we say you should you should not just you should feel it you should connect to the shoulders with your learning it's it's a real relationship and if a child feels wounded they actually become wounded what happens is I I first want to make another quick disclaimer what we're talking about is over here is what we're trying to do but I don't want any of you to go home today and feel like [snorts] I need to do more. I'm not doing enough. Again, you're sadikim. You're doing so much. I'm sure it's it's it's one of the most underappreciated job and it should be the most paid job. Halan, every malam can be paid a million dollars a year would be an understatement. You are the ones, Em. Yeah. You're the ones that are mameish telling a do a Mhamad is such a it's Mish I always think I I gave a hitch for Eid and M one day and I took him I said what are you doing? I said what Mhammed? I said you're Muhammad is so lucky. It's just it's just a shame that but we all know we all remember our childhood. We all remember what a Muhammad could do. If you walk into your class and you every child you look at him the way the looked at you know sometimes when I need I go I confess I go on YouTube and there's different compilations different videos from the and you see him out just smiling to kids the himself didn't even have the kids he had all of us such a let's let's emulate that with that one thing let's try to a child walks into the But as you see in the bash wanted us to see numas not geim see deeper that that's that's our avoid if we could start seeing the kids as big nishumas they're just in small bodies at this temporary moment in this there's a before and after but it's a big nishum walking around in my class if we start seeing it that way and we and we care for the feelings and we realize that so do feelings do and this is mish and if this kid is feeling a certain way, can I listen to him? Can I understand? So, a child that's not functioning, obviously, that's the first indication there something happening or they have a learning disability or they're being hurt by someone or nobody's listening to them. They're not feeling seen, they're not feeling important. So, we need to right away start seeing what can we do about it. If there are parents, you know the parents mention if there are parents that you could work with and they understand you reach out to them and you say you know what we're raising together a we're raising aid over here we're raising a future biggest mashia in the world there's a problem your child is is your child confiding in you is he not confiding is he telling you is he sharing with you I always tell parents how do you know if your child if your child will come and tell you the greatest secret they have. You know you're and if they won't, you still have a to do. If your child feels comfortable in telling you an a they did a a thing they they they fell through or they're a teenager or a child, they're able to come and tell you things that bother them. That's when you know you're because it's all about the relationship and malam are also creating relationships with the kids and this is going to give them the all everything they need is and later something happens they they stumble upon a a bully and this and that they'll be able to handle it because they had their solid a few years when their prefrontal cortex was growing and and developing they had they felt an attachment the closest with that it's unbelievable And we we all think of ourselves as young people. But remember when you were a child, how did you see your reboot? Like an older man, a scary ultimate. We feel our kids look up at us. The kids walk into class. I remember I walked into the I went and as a little kid and a few years ago and I went to I remember the lunchroom was huge and I wasn't there in 20 30 years and there was a silk that hall barak. I walked in, I saw a tiny room like and the kid's eyes, it was huge. The steps were like I can't seven, eight steps. It's a little kid. Everything you say, everything you you do matters. Connecting to to a is a and also many times we don't realize our kids that are not functioning with learning with different stuff. It's not that they don't want to be good. They're missing skill. They're missing skill. They're not missing will. the missing skill. They just don't know how to do it. They don't know how to listen. Sometimes they don't know how to, you know, you tell a child you should stand up and you should do this. Think a second. Does my Does this child really know how to do it? Maybe they don't know how to do it. You tell them every single detail is they can't assume they know how to do it. This is the avoid and we're living overdo overdo overdo the mag writes he writes over you're not going to keep it to yourself are you going to you're going to express our kids can express their I can have an opinion on my reb I can have an opinion on my on my reb I can have an opinion on my teacher but I also a lot of opinions but I didn't dare to say anything today he says that even if they're going to be in such that they're going to be disconnected from they're still going to go out and say I love you the whole thank you movement and And all these interesting movements that are happening people say ah who do you think you are walk around with yes this this is what the told us is going to look like comes yes we're going to say I want to have a sh I know I'm not there I know have a long way to go but still the is that we're going to tell the we want to be connected to you we want to have a sh when our kids are realizing that we at admire them. We're m of them. We see them. You're important. You can come and tell me if something bothers you, I'm here to listen. If you need some skill, I'll teach you. It's an interesting thing that I saw an interview um to say his name, but Carl Young, you know Young, he's a big psychologist. Everything the whole psychology today is based basically on his ideas. Carl Jung was a tal of of the other guy which I don't want to for sure not say his name in this medish. So I saw in 1950s or something there was interview with him on on on television and they were asking him all about his methods. He talks about collective consciousness and anybody trained over here he talks about the shadow and all these. So he asked him, "Did anybody precede anybody before you come up with these ideas?" Like you're the first one with such brilliant way of seeing the psyche of a human. He says, "Yes, 200 years ago, there was a great maggot that lived in Mezri. They called him the maggot of mezzich. His teachings are exactly my it's not word for word, but something like that." He said, "I was so curious about it. How does a Austrian go know about understand the psychology? So I'm I'm in a group with a few thinkers interesting that that that know stuff and I asked here and there. So one person told me that he did research that this young had a private secretary that used to write his like all all his stuff and she was kid a girl from that went over there because she was his a brilliant girl. So he used to ask her tell me about Idish tell me about your religion and then she told him about she said do you know anything about said no she went home to v she brought the the the message from she taught it to him she learned with him in turn she became from and he picked up the whole psychology so the ga psychology the ogult psychology can voted again back to unbelievable and it's actually have it in the book now because they someone wrote all his essays and and it's I have it [sighs] we have everything you have everything I'm I'm telling him from whenever I need I go to the I learned every shabas pin's around the corner for me I have mental right near me I learned every morning and make sure that I get but even before I always used to learn the rebate is I go to the oil a few times a year. Of course, well, there's no I can't be mash without connecting. It doesn't doesn't go like that. Sometimes, you know, I I was by the oil two weeks ago and and and I open up random differentus and I learned someone writing a letter. She has a child. The child is crying all night and and the child is not eating and there and the Reb writes back, okay, if the child has a eating problem, whatever, but at least you give her bananas and yogurt. Even for a few months, your child is going to get the basic nutrition it needs. I don't think how does know didn't have little kids at home. That's what mattered to him. You have enough literature for a million years from the Rebalon. I'm not talking about the other way back. >> We all need it. He was the not just the Yeah. >> Go. >> Yeah. Right. >> Right. >> Very good. Thank you for bringing it up because that's that's that's part of the title that I need to speak about. [laughter] There was always a concept of created another concept. If you look into the again and again what is the people very close to you not just having Jacobson once said so beautifully he said everybody's sure you love the we do this with that what's it your neighbor the guy that's sitting near you and making you crazy by Dominic shaking the table oh he's the other neighbor is >> the what Good. I like that. So is something that has to be very very much instilled and I remember my classmates forever from 30 years. I don't remember from Misha that much that I remember. And of course, if the malam were able to create camaraderie and get the boys and to talk to each other and make and and create projects with them, they should all every child should put in whatever project they could do together to create a a hav between the kids. This for sure gives them a a feel of safety and belonging. It gives them uh it gets their amydala to be calm and to let them grow and become and even if they have some difficulties. Sometimes a kid has a difficult neighbor and the parents are not aware the neighbor is bullying your child but at least the child has a good good class connected with the rabbi connected with the with the other and with the with the classmates. A child needs somewhere somehow. We can't we can't protect our kids. We can't just walk around with our kids like it just can't do that. So what we could do is create a very loving environment and I always say the greatest gift you could ever give anybody is your two ears. The greatest gift there is no greater gift in the world that you can give for someone is listening to at home also listen just listen my Bobby used to say you got to listen double and talk talk once you got to listen validation you know what validation is validating psychology came up with validating there's we we understood already 20 years ago we got to feel along I remember when I was a little kid you fall down, you hurt yourself. So there was all kinds of jokes coming, I'll pick you up or hey, I have a bandit. Hey, you have a lollipop just just be quiet and just enjoy. So 20, 30 years ago, we realized that no, you have to say, [snorts] "Ouch, sorry, you made a boo boo." Now we advanced, we came to a new level, even more deeper. We understand we say we need to validate. How would you translate validate into Yiddish oresh? Who knows? >> [laughter] >> It's like how same thing. How do you how do you say that? You're right. Your feeling is right. Even logically and practically you're wrong. But you feel that way. You're right. Your feeling is right. You have a right to feel that way. And if your boy comes over comes to you and says she took away my stuff and he hid it and I was looking for it. and you say, "Wow, Taka, I'm sorry. Can't believe you did that to you." Even if you know that it might not be that took it away. Maybe maybe I don't know, someone else took it away. First, validate his feelings. When a person feels valid, their brain opens up. They're able to hear logic and then you say, "It's I'm not so sure it was him. Maybe it was another kid or who says you need to take it personally. So, he's he's a bully. That's his type." But you could start rationalizing only after you validate. This is also at home. You always have to validate. Validate means that you have a right. You feel this way this moment. You have a right to feel this way. And then you can become logical. If we have a class where a child goes through from yeshiva, I'm not sure how you call it. Yeshiva elementary. What happened? And a child feels I had this class. This was was very warm to me. the other he was clear and I felt loved. I felt needed. I felt important. I felt like believes in me that that there's nothing like it. You know, we wake up in the morning and why do we say where does come from say the same? Yeah, probably. Where does it come from? There was a his name was a huge one of the and he wrote a ciphers called and he took all the concepts in he put it into the and his actually what we use today and what do we say over there so there's a lot of this over it's not so simple it happens to be I have a at home from from I have a lot of I like to study sud one of my thing I saw from the that they have a much longer mud like like 12:30 lines like every single day interesting beautiful words but but we we accept accept back to the side. We say we thank you. How great is your We should have said you. How great is my say? No, no, no. It's not that. You have faith in me. You gave me back my today because isn't I think by now everybody uses that word but I think the the original was the way we call him. He said every year you know how important I am. I'm going to I'm going to say one mitzvah another mitzvah five pennies in suk and I could how special this is again to tell a person how important you are how of you are you are every word you say the god's waiting for you to say what else what else does a kid need we need to tell this our kids again we're learning I'm sure you're doing it but if it could be in that tell the kids how special they are Tell them one of the said I think it was said and says to tell the person of his strength, how powerful you are, how important you are to has self-esteem in the fact that he's aim That's my self-esteem. Not that I'm powerful, rich, good-looking, nothing. I'm talented. Nothing to do with nothing. A person could be sitting in a wheelchair and not the fact that he woke up in the morning and he said that is my self-esteem that their body believes in me that I'm important. I can still do something and every single thing I do is is major major. I had a bal in my house not not too long ago and she had two of her kids. She was divorced at the time. Whatever kind of I have a house I'm under. So, so I heard this lady I have a shield in my house downstairs. I heard this lady telling kids, "If you're going to fight, you can't go to shield. Hashem wants you to." And I was like thinking to myself, we're doing the opposite. When our kids are fighting the shield go to we can't fight her she's she's finish she's that's kind and to give them love and connection and relationship and being looking out the whole time making sure they're not being bullied by other kids and seeing that that's going to help them as Hashem be resistant resilient kids that when they grow older they're not going to have any issue you want Yeah. >> Yeah. >> Yes. >> Yeah. >> Right. No. No. You can't validate something that's not true. Obviously, we're validating how you feel. I understand that you feel jipped. You feel hurt. You feel bullied. You feel like a loser. I could validate that. It doesn't mean that you're right. >> Your feeling is right. Yeah. >> Yeah. Yeah. >> Ask him. Yeah. Exactly. Because otherwise they're not logic when a person is. Should I take a few questions or any any any Oh, >> the kid is not is not aware of what >> I'm not sure >> if something happened in the past. Oh, okay. So, you're bringing up a very interesting topic because >> the question >> Yes. Yes. Good. Thank you. He I think you were asking that what happens to a child that was hurt without them remembering that it happened and it could still affect their amydala. And the answer is yes, it could. According to most doctors, according to the minim I can't explain it. Although I went to school, I can't explain it. But there is a mitz is there. But you can still heal them. you can still heal them because because if you're giving them comfort, you know, and if it's your own child, you can't do it as a malam. But if it's your own child and you touch them, you're allowed to touch your own, you give them a you hold a hand when you touch them, you you're you're balancing their central nervous system. You're giving them a a certain sense of comfort and can only do it with words. Nowadays, I'm can't used to give a I was a guy. But you could do it with words. You could do it other ways. You could tell comfort them in in in with words and different ways. They'll they'll feel important and they'll be able to to overcome the the trauma. You've just experienced [music] another Torah class brought to you by toany anytime.com.